Tangled up in Lace

Chapter Three: Doubted

I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.
-- Elie Wiesel


In exchange for Sasuke; bane of his existence, brother, best friend, classmate, rival, teammate and unacknowledged inspiration; Naruto got Saki; girlfriend, lover, odd distraction, painful reminder. From one day to the next, Sasuke stopped appearing altogether and all anyone got to see of him was Saki. The matter was run through the mill on the ninja gossiping grapevines: how Sasuke had finally lost his last loose screw… and how Naruto profited from it.

Saki was seen alone, for sure, but most of the time she was found beside – or close by – her boyfriend; and though the civilians couldn’t for the life of them figure out how Naruto could have snagged such a doll of a girl, the ninja still warily regarded the situation, disapproving of Naruto’s choice on the matter—many on Naruto’s behalf.

As for Naruto, he found himself wracking his brain to understand how things had come to be as they were. He knew the bastard was still himself during missions, those were the only times he was caught dressing as Uchiha Sasuke, but the rest of his time was spent running around as Saki, whether Naruto was there or not. He – she…? – even went into the ninja neighbourhoods as Saki to get supplies, further feeding the rumour mill to Naruto’s dismay. Naruto tried his best to ignore the vicious emotion that gripped him whenever he saw Saki dressed up even though they weren’t supposed to meet. Suddenly, Naruto realised, this wasn’t about him anymore, and that knowledge burned.

At first it had been enjoyable, if a bit strange. He’d come home and Saki would be there or she’d show up shortly after, and they’d have sex like they used to, with Saki pliant and willing as she had been originally, passionate, imaginative… but always in the dark and far from any mirrors. Saki would be Saki at night, and she would still be Saki the next day, and the next… and even though Naruto loved getting his hands all over her, it became clear to him that this wasn’t what he wanted, not really. The sex was fine, but it just wasn’t…

Damnit, where are you bastard?

He could now unlace a corset with his teeth and unbutton a shirt with his toes, but through the layers and layers of silk Naruto found it harder to find Sasuke, and what little he could catch was snuffed out like a candle as soon as he spotted it. Sasuke became Saki thoroughly, and Naruto could not shake the feeling that he had brought this on himself. He constantly went back to that night at Aoi’s, to the way Sasuke’s presence had ruined everything and then…. Saki, delightful, in that quiet little bar.

Having a girlfriend was great, but the constant meekness and the sexual games, the inevitable acquiescence to his ideas, the clothes, the softness… all of it; he was beginning to hate it. He was torn between wanting to keep Saki only to himself, and wanting to crush her image under his foot.

Where… are you?

The more he saw Saki, the more he missed Sasuke, and the more fear began to gnaw at his insides. However, fear only set itself firmly into Naruto when, on the market opening that weekend, he spotted Sakura and Saki walking together.

Naruto’s belly jumped uncomfortably and he found himself leaping to their chase, following them in disguise. It was wrong, it was just wrong; Saki wasn’t real, she wasn’t! Saki was just a disguise, she wasn’t meant to be out there, laughing softly with Sakura or nodding politely at Shino as they passed him. Saki could buy groceries, she could drink tea alone and talk with Kakashi because he – and Naruto – made her originally, but that was it. Saki wasn’t supposed to step into the space Sasuke had left unfilled.

No…

Sakura’s voice drifted to him, friendly and low. “But honestly… those boots look disgustingly uncomfortable.”

Saki’s fluid shrug was relaxed. “You get used to them.”

“The flared skirts too? All those layers of petticoat and… I mean, how can you move around without getting all that lace snagged on branches or chairs and…? Seriously!” Sakura laughed and Naruto could only stare at them. He knew Sakura had been making an effort to help Sasuke too, but he had never imagined--- “I guess I’m a more practical dresser.”

“I’m just careful, Sakura,” Saki’s voice was also low, oddly untroubled. If Naruto closed his eyes, he could see Sasuke whispering in tones such as that one.

“Well, I don’t have the time or the patience to worry so much over stuff like that.” Sakura laughed the matter off, but Naruto began to wonder if maybe she wasn’t a bit jealous of Saki’s looks and clothes. It was a ridiculous idea, but so probable it drove home to Naruto just how badly things had spun off their axis. Saki was far, far prettier and girlier than Sakura could ever be and that made no sense, truly, when he thought about it. There was a tangible reality to Saki, in the sunlight, with Sakura beside her, that made Naruto’s chest constrict.

“You are pretty just as you are, Sakura.” It was a terribly odd thing for Sasuke to say, though Naruto thought it was long deserved. It was also something Sasuke would only be able to say now, when it would not hurt Sakura as it could have in the past. Naruto wanted to smile as he saw the flush that crept up the back of Sakura’s neck, the way she rubbed her arm nervously; but he couldn’t smile, not really. His face felt stiff enough to crack.

“Oh.. haha… give me a break.”

“Besides, you couldn’t possibly be a kunoichi and wear these clothes,” Saki continued, in a voice that was only slightly less even. There was truth in what she said: Sakura wouldn’t be caught dead in that outfit because it was inherently dangerous, but Sasuke would never again participate in any of the bigger missions and he would always be closely watched; he could indulge in such an attire because his life as a ninja was – by law – doomed to stagnation. Sakura, on the other hand, needed to be as practical as possible, it was a wonder she managed to look as pretty as she did. Plus, Sakura was already a woman, she didn’t need all the makeup and finery to make herself look more female, whereas Sasuke….

Naruto couldn’t even imagine what it would be like, to know he had come as far as he was allowed to go and that he’d never ever put a foot outside Konoha again or fight a greater opponent; to know that he could wear those clothes and stop training altogether, for he’d reached a wall that could not be climbed. No, Naruto couldn’t imagine what this would be like to Sasuke, who had made it his life’s path to find a greater opponent every time.

And my greatest opponent is right here, damnit!

“Err… yes, Saki-chan, you have a point. I can’t see myself focusing chakra through those platform boots of yours.”

Naruto missed his rival, he missed the fierce battles, the arguments, the resentment and the tired, sweaty camaraderie. He missed his best friend, scar in his chest and all. He missed Sasuke, and if there was anything in this world he had wanted more than life itself it was to have Sasuke back, not Saki.

Not Saki.

In the end, he’d always believed Saki was just a façade, a temporary thing that would someday lead to what they both really wanted, and that was---

Sasuke.

And I want to have sex with him too. The thought was mind-boggling even though he’d known if for a long time, though he’d never quite said it to himself, not like that. It was the truth, nonetheless. He wanted this person, yes, of which Saki was only a facet. He wanted his friend, the bastard, the monster he’d loved, the monster he’d tried so hard to get back. He wanted Sasuke beside him, however he chose to relate himself to Naruto, friend or lover, just as long as he was himself.

I could deal with not having sex again, as long as it was you I wasn’t having it with.

Sakura stopped and sighed. “Naruto, will you stop following us already?”

Naruto came to a halt a bit behind them, caught in his female jutsu. Sakura’s lips quirked upwards crookedly. He hastily changed back, drawing the eyes of a few curious civilians.

“Oh gods, all that I need: another girl.” Sakura’s smile was mildly sarcastic, but what made Naruto pale was Saki’s eyes: tame and quiet, demurely happy to see him. The eyes of someone who didn’t even know who the Uchiha were.

Naruto worked his mouth numbly. “Sorry, Sakura-chan. I didn’t know you and… Saki, had started hanging out together.”

Sakura looked at Saki and then at him. “Saki has been on rather good terms with me and Lee for a while, and I think Shikamaru and Chouji were asking her out for a game of cards this week… so, be at ease, your girlfriend is well adapted.” Though well adapted weren’t words Naruto might have chosen for Sasuke, but still, to hear Sakura saying them made his chest feel hollow.

No, no, NO!

Sakura’s smile wavered as she caught on to the look Naruto was giving her. Her eyes seemed to be asking him, confusedly, if she’d done something wrong regarding Saki. It made Naruto all too aware of how much of what was going on was for Sasuke, and how much of it was for him.

“Naruto-kun…” Saki murmured, taking a step towards him.

(I wanted him to kill all the things in me that were weak)

“Sa—“ Where was Sasuke? Who was this person? “Saki-chan,” he greeted numbly. Her eyes were dark and sombre like Sasuke’s, but flatter than polished obsidian.

“Naruto, are you okay? You look a bit ill... let me check your chakra flow, will you?” Sakura lifted a hand towards his forehead, but he batted it off dismissively.

(Stay like that love)

(You just stay there looking pretty and hot like you do. Like you didn’t have a care in the world, babe)

“Naruto?” Sakura’s voice seemed far off to him. Saki’s eyes were both distant and worried, something old and familiar churning in their depths.

( Isn’t this what you wanted?)

(I don’t care what you do for as long as you stay here)

You… bastard.

“I’m sorry Sakura-chan, it’s fine. I just… I was looking for someone and I can’t seem to find him.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Naruto knew he was being petty and childish by flinging it out like that, but the need to lash out at something was stronger. Particularly if he could lash out at Sasuke and be as underhanded as he felt the bastard was being, in his own psychotic way.

Sakura frowned, suspecting but needing to hear it. “Who… were you looking for?”

Naruto grinned wide and fox-like to hide his scowl. “My best friend.” Saki jerked, eyes narrowing into a frown that Naruto found painfully familiar.

“Naruto…” Sakura looked at the two of them, torn between worry and anger. Her eyes blazed, but Naruto thought he saw something nostalgic in them, as if being caught between their frays were the place she wanted to be in, regardless of how much it hurt her. That stopped him, more than anything else.

Naruto shrugged stiffly. “Whatever. I’ll run into the bastard eventually.” Because Sasuke had to be there, if somewhere down the line the bastard had decided that Saki was what Naruto wanted… or if he’d found that it was too painful to be himself and Saki was an easy escape… then, either way, regardless of Sasuke’s reasons for what he did, Naruto would get him back. Again. And again. He’d take Sasuke back as many times as was necessary.

Even from himself.

Because Sasuke owed that to him.


* * *


His window creaked open. Naruto opened one eye and smiled weakly from his position on the couch. Sakura slipped off the windowsill and onto his bed, looking very female and very professional in sheer black.

“Mission?” Naruto asked softly, holding the smile in place. It had become customary for them to warn each other when one was leaving, even if it went against the mission’s security clearance. They did it regardless of their orders, because, that’s what family did; or so Naruto figured.

“Yeah.”

“Discussable?”

“Nope.”

“Ah,” he sighed, and didn’t ask about it again. The familiarity of their situation soothed him even when he knew Sakura was leaving on a classified mission. Then again, it has been a long time since he’d stopped worrying about her; she could definitively take care of herself.

“I just… I wanted to see you before I left.” Unspoken, Naruto heard the true words: I’m worried about you. Strangely, since Sasuke’s return, such open concern had become less irritating to him. A smooth warmth fluttered in his ribcage.

“Won’t Lee be angry?”

Sakura smiled, hands adjusting her weapon satchel, studiously not answering. Naruto considered the hour, her clothes, her presence when she usually would come later, after visiting her boyfriend. It wasn’t strange for her to be sent on mission with Team Gai.

“Ah, so…” A comfortable silence fell between them. “Want a glass of water?”

“No, thank you.” Sakura clasped her hands before her crossed legs – like Saki, oddly enough – and Naruto’s smile diminished somewhat. “Naruto… are you and Sasuke alright, or not?” Very much like Sakura, to take a plunge like that.

Naruto bit the inside of his cheek then forced on a winning smile. “Sakura-chan, so out of the blue? I didn’t figure you’d want all the kinky details…” he intoned suggestively. Then he ducked to avoid the pillow that was aimed at his head. “Hey…”

“I’m serious, Naruto.”

“I am too. Do you really want the gory details?”

“Oh, so they’re gory now?”

“Sakura…”

“Try me, Naruto,” she hissed tensely. Naruto held his breath, seeing the tangled emotion that swilled in her eyes, and suddenly, she exploded: “Because… truly: if this is all okay with you then fine, but it feels wrong to me. I admit I wasn’t thrilled when I found out about you and Sasuke and Saki, but I dealt with it. I found it out and got used to the idea, all of this while we tried to get him back from Orochimaru, so it wasn’t that much of a shock to see it. So, my first love is gay.” She shrugged. “Life sucks. I moved on.”

“Sakura---“

“Of course, knowing that this made Ino’s first love gay too also helped me a bit, but that’s beside the point and—“

“---Sakura-chan…”

“No, Naruto. Let me finish.” She took a deep breath and slouched back unhappily. “If dressing as a girl really made Sasuke happy, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but it doesn’t, so I do. I also have a problem with how this is affecting you, but I’m not as close to Sasuke as I would have to be to give him advice and Kakashi is a friggin’ coward when it comes to relationships. That pretty much leaves you, but since you are a good portion of the problem, I don’t know what to do to help.”

“Er…?”

“Naruto, you have to get him to talk to you.”

Naruto raised a brow archly. “Sasuke, talk? Riiiight.”

Sakura frowned right back at him. “Or get him to snap. Or something! He’s tearing himself to pieces and he can’t even see it, it’s like… he can’t be himself any longer or doesn’t know how… or he’s afraid to be himself because he needs you close and that doesn’t work or… fuck, I don’t know and I can’t fix your own messed up love affairs. It’s your problem so you should fix it, or unfix it, or whatever. Gods, I hate rambling like this, you know I do!”

Naruto nodded diligently, letting her roll on since she had clearly built up the momentum. A snide corner of his mind was laughing itself blue at her blustering speech; yet, he loved her all the more for it.

“But mark my words, if things are still the same way as they are now when I get back, someone is going to have his ass pounded, and it won’t be Sas--- Naruto! Stop leering! I didn’t mean it like that!” There was something young and adorable in her flushed cheeks.

“Okay, okay Sakura-chan. I get it. No, don’t frown, I really do.”

She got up, readjusting her clothes one last time. “You’d better get it, or there will be conseque--- will you stop leering? Oh… screw you!” Naruto laughed heartily, delighted by the smile he could see lurking in her gaze. She rolled her eyes and quietly slipped out his window. Naruto shook his head and flopped back on the couch.

So Sakura had decided to give him a piece of her mind after all. At times like this he remembered why he’d been so in love with her when they were kids.

But he didn’t really want to think about what she had said.


* * *


The idea of talking to Sasuke was all well and good, but for that to happen he needed to find Sasuke in the first place. Naruto tried dropping hints with Saki, he tried slipping challenge notes under the bastard’s apartment door and he even tried chasing Saki back home at nights – because Saki never stayed the night until morning. Naruto tried his damnedest to find Sasuke, but the other boy proved to be impossible to catch, which was frustrating, because Saki was there all the time; but Naruto knew that actually going up to Sasuke and addressing him as such while he was being Saki would end in disaster. The unspoken boundary was there, and it was a limit that Sasuke clearly trusted Naruto to maintain.

Eventually, all that Naruto could do was try and catch the bastard unawares.

The records stated that Uchiha Sasuke was to finish his mission at 1300 hours and would then be allowed to return to his quarters. It was a simple request to help pluck the highest fruit from the plum orchards, Sasuke being who he was would be done well before the expected hour.

At roughly 1200 hours Naruto barged in through the window of Sasuke’s apartment, sending books flying in every direction. “Sasuke!” He roared as he jumped in, and barely managed to dodge the knife that was aimed at his throat – a good sign? It sank into the wall with a satisfying thunk just as the bathroom door slammed shut. Naruto was left crouching in the middle of the room, watching a few papers flutter around him and that damnable vial with purple nail-polish that rolled around loudly before coming to a stop against the bedpost.

The room was a mess, with clothes strewn over the bed in haphazard combinations of mauve and black, burgundy and cream, violet and steel grey. There was a lustrous white blouse that he’d never seen before, it had shiny pearl-inlaid buttons and belled cuffs; there were tangles of satin and lace all over the bed, an incoherent accompaniment to the dull gleam of polished kunai and a few shuriken. The bedside table was just as cluttered, the dark mahogany was stained with powders and oil beneath the veritable army of little bottles and boxes. A bigger box crowned the set, lid open, like a toad’s mouth, sticking out a thousand jewelled tongues of pearl and silver and ribbon. Some of those jewels looked rather old or were engraved in odd little places with the Uchiha crest.

There was something deeply macabre in the idea of Sasuke wearing his dead mother’s jewels. Naruto wondered if he’d had to sneak into the dusty, cobwebbed remains of the Uchiha neighbourhood to dig those up.

The room was evidence enough that Sasuke had been there for a while already. Naruto realised he’d miscalculated the time he thought he had and had caught Sasuke right in the middle of whatever strange processes it took to transform into Saki. It was something he’d never witnessed - he wasn’t allowed to, he knew – a moment of held breath were one persona vanished under another. A strange instant in which Sasuke tried his damnedest to disappear.

You jerk, I can only guess at what goes on in your fucked up head because you don’t talk. And I shouldn’t even care.

Naruto knew he’d caught Sasuke at his weakest, but he was too tired to be polite about it. He felt that, after all this time, Sasuke owed it to him to be there for this one conversation. Naruto moved to stand in front the bathroom door, darkly amused by the idea of having made the ice prince scuttle away like a girl in a locker room. He rapped on the door. “Sasuke?”

There was no answer, though Naruto heard something being kicked into a wall, presumably a wastebasket.

“Sasuke, I know you’re in there.”

Nothing.

“Sasuke… bastard, can’t we even talk?”

The silence was making his skin prickle.

“… I know you can hear me, and I won’t call you by her name. I want to talk to Sasuke damnit!” Naruto tapped his foot irritably, feeling the silence stretch his nerves thin. “Sasuke!” He banged his fist on the door, making the paintings on the adjacent wall rattle. “Bastard, I know you’re in there and I know you can hear me, okay? I don’t give a flying fuck for your state of undress, but I want to talk to you now. As yourself, understand, fucker?”

“Go. Away.”

Naruto hissed. “No. Come out.”

“No.”

“Sasuke---“

“No.”

Naruto took a deep, steadying breath and: “Please?” He ground out thickly.

“No!”

Naruto kicked the door in a burst of anger. “Fuck this! Fuck whatever is going on in your messed up brain! I’m tired of screwing around—“

“You seemed to enjoy it just fine, dead last.” Insults an all, it was heartening to hear Sasuke, clearly, on the other side of the door.

Naruto breathed in and tried to keep his temper down. “Bastard, of course the sex is great. So what? Did you honestly think I spent all those years trying to get you back because you were good at giving head?” Of course Sasuke didn’t think that, it was ridiculous and Naruto could have kicked himself for saying it. Instead, he leaned his forehead on the door, measuring out the seconds of Sasuke’s silence.

“You should have let go.”

Naruto groaned inwardly and kicked the door again. One of the paintings fell with a crash. “We’ve already had that conversation, jerk. Now will you please come out and stop this nonsense?”

“Fuck you.”

“Whaaat?”

“I said fuck you. You have what you want already.”

Naruto blinked once, then again. “What I want?” He let out a shaky breath. “What I want? What fucked up braincell of yours gave you that impression? This situation has nothing to do with what I want!”

“Naruto…” Something moved beyond the door, and then: “Naruto-kun…”

“Oh, fuck no. Don’t you dare…”

“Naruto-kun, please leave so I can get changed and we can go ou---“

“No. No and no. We aren’t going anywhere together.” The words left his mouth before he could stop them, a crushing cold was filling his chest. “Sasuke, come out.”

Softer still: “Naruto-kun, please—“

“Sasuke.”

“Naru—“

“Sasuke.”

Silence fell between them again. Naruto’s curled fists shook with the effort of holding himself in check. “I miss my best friend.”

Nothing.

“What is it with you? Can’t you even try? I never thought you’d turn into such a coward,” he goaded, fearing that he was running out of armament and insults were all he had left.

“I’m just giving you what you want,” sullenly said, almost too low to be heard.

Naruto cursed silently. “No, you tell yourself that but you’re not! You’re just doing what’s easiest because you can’t fucking deal with it! Isn’t that what this is? You can’t deal with what you’ve done with your life so you’ll just gloss it away in girl’s clothes? This isn’t you Sasuke!”

“I’m just giving you what you want!”

“FUCK YOU! This is NOT what I want! It’s not even what you want! Do you even know what that is? Where is the Sasuke that would have torn everything to shreds for his mission?”

“He finished it.”

“And you’re still alive, you idiot.”

Silence.

“Bastard… I’m tired of this. I’m tired of Saki, okay? I want you back.” It hurt to say the words and bare himself to such extent when Sasuke wasn’t giving an inch.

“You tell yourself that, but what’s the point in it? You can’t even deal with me in reality.”

Breath was kicked from Naruto’s lungs as the words sunk in. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Sasuke sighed on the other side of the door. “You figure it out. Now piss off, I have to get dressed.”

“Fine, tell me where your trousers and training shirts are and I’ll give them to you.”

And again, silence.

Naruto laughed brokenly. “I can tear this door down, you know?”

“… and I can tear a hole through your chest, just as easily.”

If he hadn’t been pressed up against the door he wouldn’t have believed what he’d heard. It was too cruel, given the situation. Far too cruel. “What is wrong with you, you crazy jerk? Is this some routine of yours? You can’t be bothered to try and be happy because you’re sure someone will screw it up eventually?” Sasuke snorted on the other side. “Oh, that makes perfect sense. No, really, it does! You’re just like your brother, only worse, because he destroyed everything to prove himself, but you just fuck everything up to make sure no one fucks you up first!” Sasuke had gone deathly quiet. A thick laugh bubbled up from Naruto’s throat, raw and ugly. “Why live with the uncertainty of when things will go to hell, when you can screw it ALL up on your own! You ASS!”

“Fuck you, Uzumaki, and damn you to hell.”

“Oh, really? Which hell, Uchiha? Mine, or yours… or Itachi’s? Seriously, to me, to my life… you’re just like him. Doesn’t that make you happy?” A sickly merry voice accompanied his next words, like a curse. “You beat your brother! Isn’t that great? He fucked you up big time – I’ll grant you that – but you… oh hoho, you… you fucked me and Sakura and Kakashi and everyone that risked their asses for you. And now you don’t even have to guts to live with the consequences of your own decisions. That’s just pathetic, even Itachi could tell you that!”

Distantly, Naruto wondered where it was that it was all coming from. It was as if his body were trying to turn itself inside out with each new sentence that crawled up his throat. He wondered why it was that he was still standing and there wasn’t a fist through his lungs already. Somewhere down the line, obsessed as he’d been with getting the bastard back, he’d forced himself to forget just how much he resented him for all that had happened. How he hated the fact that Sasuke had torn everything to pieces with his own hands, willingly.

You took everything from me. You made me doubt Sakura, and Kakashi…and everything in my life.

Forgiveness had limits too.

I just… wanted things to be like before…

(I have no future. All my dreams…belong in the past, and that’s where they will stay)

To his utter humiliation, Naruto realised he was on the verge of tears. “Bastard… are you going to come out or not?”

The doorknob turned abruptly and Naruto stumbled back as it slammed open and Saki stepped out. Her lips weren’t painted and her hair was still a bit tangled, but everything else was in place, everything else was thoroughly Saki. Her eyes were Saki to the core, shallow and strange. She bent down primly to lace up the last bit of a boot and then gave him a tight little smile. “Naruto-kun.”

This is insane. “No, don’t...”

She stepped forward and Naruto almost collapsed on the bed as he touched it with the back of his knees. Saki closed the distance between them and then leaned around him to pick up a pair of gloves from the bed, slipping them on with practiced ease. Naruto could only stare, certain that he was dreaming and had somehow stepped into a nightmare scenario. He had been talking to Sasuke just now, to Sasuke.

A gloved hand fell on his arm and squeezed. Naruto looked at the patterns in the black lace that covered Sasuke’s thin fingers, then he looked into the impenetrable dark gaze that was searching his face. “Naruto… let’s go out now?”

After Orochimaru… he’d approached Saki first, he was the one that had chased Sasuke, searching for a lifeline to hold them together. When Sasuke would have backed down, Naruto had insisted and yet, despite all this, now it was Naruto who wanted to run away. He didn’t quite know how things had come to be as they were, but he hated it all the same.

“I’ll see you in town?” Saki asked gently, with her frail tones and Sasuke’s pain and fear lodged into every word. Still hanging onto him, breaking apart at the edges… not even Sasuke anymore, it seemed.

Naruto shivered and pulled away slowly, feeling as if there was not an ounce of energy left in his body. “No.”

Saki’s hand fell from his arm. “Later then?”

“I don’t think so, pet,” Naruto whispered sadly, unable to look into her eyes.

“… oh.”

Naruto shivered at the cracked edges held in that small word and used the opportunity to back away from her. Saki gave him a long stare, hurt… possibly even afraid. Naruto did the only thing he could: he fled.


* * *


He ran into Saki a few days later.

She was walking down the street; she spotted him first. Naruto saw her, saw her eyes brighten even though she was pale and looked fit to break. She moved towards him with a slightly faster gait, dark eyes boring into him, lips parting to greet him, shake him, cry---

--- Naruto walked right past her, without looking back.

He did see the civilians raise the brows and mutter in surprise, and he saw Kakashi appear out of nowhere and move past him towards the person he’d left behind.

His back itched and he wanted to turn around so badly it was hard to walk straight, but he kept going. Never in his life had moving forwards proved to be so hard, or so sickening.

Naruto got up early every morning after that and went to the training grounds to work out; every morning at the same time, with his hopes up that maybe this time, this time… but in the weeks of Sakura’s absence, Sasuke didn’t show up, not even once.

Seeing Saki became a rarity too. He heard about her a lot, but she had clearly taken to avoiding him right back and Naruto judged that, possibly, this was as far as they’d come.

It was a bitter thought.


* * *


A week or two after Naruto and Saki officially broke up their relationship – as official as walking away in front of an audience could be – Naruto realised that he had not been the only one trying, however oddly, to give Sasuke the benefit of a doubt. Granted, it was probably being done on his behalf, but that fact that it went on after they had broken up…well, it was something, though Naruto couldn’t quite define what that something was; or if it made him feel any better, or just plain worse.

I should feel relieved… But he didn’t, and the knowledge of it only made things worse. Naruto had thought that if being with Saki was such an impossibility, then being without her would be less of problem. It was what Sasuke seemed to want, in the end, the only middle-ground to which they could come. Naruto wanted Sasuke and Saki wanted Naruto, but the vital link between one persona and the next was absent.

(… and I can tear a hole through your chest, just as easily)

Sasuke had chosen this for both of them; Naruto had tried the hardest he could and after so many years and so much water under the bridge…

What was the point, all along?

Everyone had warned Naruto time and time again that trying to get Sasuke back was pointless. The only reason the official missions towards his recovery had gone on was because, underneath the Hokage’s patient smile, she’d been aiming to secure one of Konoha’s missing-nin. Jiraiya himself had always viewed Naruto’s insistence on Sasuke as a problem and Naruto wondered – briefly – if the old pervert hadn’t known this was exactly how it would turn out. Getting Sasuke back would never get him back Sasuke, not the Sasuke he was looking for, nor a person he could understand.

(…but what’s the point in it? You can’t even deal with me in reality)

What have I been doing, all this time?

He felt ridiculously childish, it made him flush with sad shame to remember himself boasting to Sakura that – of course, naturally! – he’d get Sasuke back for her. There had never been any getting him back. Sasuke had left them behind and he’d walked on, so now Naruto had to do the same: he had to leave Sasuke – and Saki – in the past and find a different path for himself.

Except that…you bastard… I can’t…even…

Most of the time, it hurt to breathe when he thought about it. There was an aching chasm where he’d once stood and he wondered – also, less briefly – if this was how Sasuke felt when Itachi had died, felled by Kakashi’s honed skills and not his own. There was an absence of something essential in him now, an estrangement from himself that made everything feel grey and taste of ashes. The ideal he had sought was made hollow before his eyes, taken from his very fingers.

He felt foolish for having made the centre of his life something as hopeless – as futile- as trying to recover the one person that had willingly left him behind.

“Naruto?” Naruto looked up, surprised. He’d been too deep in thought to realise the sky was darkening, and he could just imagine what Sasuke would have said: Idiot, letting someone sneak up on you like that? Don’t try to think, you’re not physically capable. He almost smiled in mock remembrance but it never reached his lips.

Deeply concerned brown eyes regarded him. Naruto shook himself and smiled cheerfully. “Iruka-sensei, I didn’t hear you coming.”

Iruka’s lips were pursed into a thin line that spoke volumes of his worry. “Still as easily distracted, aren't you?” He joked weakly and Naruto smiled wider as an answer, the reprimand tasted of melancholy. Iruka had long ago stopped scolding Naruto over his sloppiness – or lack of it – and Naruto had the distinct impression that Iruka was somewhat discomfited by the fact that, evidently, Naruto was far stronger and more experienced than him. But Iruka was the closest Naruto would ever have to a father and so that distance didn’t feel as real to him, regardless of Iruka’s discomfort. It bothered him to realise that Iruka felt he no longer had anything to teach him, when Iruka’s actual classroom teachings were not what Naruto valued most in him.

“Ahaahha… some things don’t change, Iruka-sensei,” Naruto retorted with a crooked grin.

Iruka smiled though his brow was drawn down, wrinkling the pale scar over his nose and cheeks. Naruto’s grin wavered when he recognised indelible frown-lines deep in Iruka’s skin, as well as a few wrinkles on the corner of his eyes.

“I see that they don’t, but I can still complain about it,” there was a comforting familiarity in the man’s presence and Naruto realised that it had been ages since they last spoke. He wondered if Iruka was approaching him now because he and Saki had---- “I was going to go to Ichiraku’s now… do you want to join me…?” Another thing about growing up was that, the more time passed, the more Naruto saw through the adults around him. Iruka’s lying was pathetic but he was, undoubtedly, a firm and caring teacher. Kakashi, on the other hand, could lie like no other, but as for teaching… well, at least he was firm and caring.

“S-sure, I haven’t seen you around for a while, Iruka-sensei.” Naruto smiled to cushion the underlying accusation that slipped out of him unwittingly. Iruka winced and looked away for a few moments as they walked towards the ramen stand.

“Things have been rather busy,” and it sounded like the truth, which stopped Naruto’s thoughts for a moment.

“Oh? Any news?”

Iruka smiled benignly at Naruto’s polite inquiry and Naruto mentally berated himself for his reflexive inquiry; they both knew that Naruto probably had access to far more information than Iruka ever would and –quite suddenly – the fact that he so grossly outranked this man left a sour taste at the back of his throat. It made him feel vulnerable even though he was the stronger one of the two. For the first time in ages, he didn’t want to be stronger than this person.

Iruka’s smile was gentle nonetheless, as if he knew what Naruto felt and found no trouble in it. “Nothing much. I hear Jiraiya-sama arrived last night, though.”

Naruto blinked. “That frog-pervert? What the hell for?”

Iruka winced at Naruto’s words and smacked him on the back of the head with no real force behind the blow. “Don’t disrespect your teachers!” It was an automatic reaction, clearly, but it still managed to melt Naruto’s insides with an achy warmth. He wanted to go back to those days so badly…

“Riiight… eheheh. Sorry.”

They sat on the stools and ordered two servings of pork ramen, fiddling idly with the chopsticks until the uncomfortably nostalgic air passed them by. The old man served both bowls with a flourish and retreated. Steam rose from the soup into the cool night air, it fogged the metal on Iruka’s forehead protector; Naruto dropped his eyes and snapped his chopsticks apart with a gratifying crack. Iruka did likewise and gave his plate a long stare.

“It’s been a while since we last spoke, hasn’t it?” Iruka broke the silence, after slurping up a mouthful of noodles. He seemed to expect an answer from Naruto which didn’t make itself immediately forthcoming, drawing another frown from the older man. “How have you been?”

A twinge or resentment curled inside Naruto’s belly. It had been – indeed – quite a while since they’d last spoken and Naruto had sorely missed their conversations over a bowl of ramen, a feeling which made itself known all the more strongly now that Iruka was beside him. “Haven’t you heard the rumours? They’re all over the place.”

“Rumours are rarely truthful.”

“And what part of it seems untrue to you, Iruka-sensei? You saw that I was dating Saki with your own eyes.” And you steered clear of me after that, did it really disgust you so much? Iruka’s eyes turned alarmed at whatever they found in Naruto’s answering gaze; Naruto hastily looked away.

There was a moment of silence, interrupted only by their occasional slurping of a wayward noodle. “I heard…” Iruka ventured at last, “That you and… Saki… are no longer together.”

Naruto took a long gulp of broth directly from the bowl, setting it down with more force than necessary. “You heard right, then. See? Not all rumours are pure rubbish.”

“Naruto…” Iruka’s voice was pitched low, a tone Naruto could recognise anywhere. “… you still haven’t told me how you’ve been.” There was something frustrating about the way Iruka asked questions, his concern was so open and honest it could not be answered with any less honesty.

“I’ve been—“ How have I been, really? Naruto paused with the chopsticks halfway to his mouth, the noodles slid back into the soup. Angry? Happy? Relieved? Tired? “… okay.” It was a weak answer and they both knew it.

“Okay?”

Naruto attacked the noodles again and nodded emphatically. “Yes, perfectly okay.” He certainly wasn’t feeling defeated or upset or anything. Why should he? Wasn’t this the natural outcome that everyone had seen coming? Why shouldn’t he be okay with something he couldn’t possibly do anything about? If only his chest would stop aching, everything would be completely perfect.

Iruka’s eyes were guardedly disbelieving. “You’ve seemed… down.”

“Well, I broke up with my one and only girlfriend,” Naruto grinned dismissively. “Give a guy a break, sensei.” Behind them, the old man and his daughter moved around the small stand, preparing noodles for later on. Naruto gave them a perky smile and gulped down the last of his ramen. He didn’t like where this conversation was going and he wasn’t sure whether he resented Iruka for bringing it up then, or for not having brought it up earlier.

“Naruto---“

“You’ve been avoiding me so far, sensei. Why ask about this now? Is it because I finally broke up with Saki?” Naruto stunned himself with the directness of his questions and the sourness that lay behind them. Iruka’s eyes darkened but he did not appear any angrier.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to feel lonely.”

Naruto jumped like a scalded cat, giving Iruka a wide stare. “Who said anything about that? What does that have to do with anything? I wasn’t lonely. I’m not lonely.” It sounded as if he were justifying himself and that only made the feeling all the more terrible.

“Naruto----“

“I’m not,” Naruto punctuated, feeling something else crawl up under his defenses, an unfamiliar emotion that rattled his already upset nerves. “And why did you keep away anyway?”

Iruka smiled sadly and drank the last of his ramen. “Two more servings please? Yes? Thank you.” Naruto waited expectantly while their bowls were moved aside. “Naruto I… I didn’t really know what to say to you. Anything I might have said would have sounded---- well, bad.”

Naruto’s mind sorted through the layered pain that Iruka’s words evoked in him. It wasn’t really a new feeling, rather, it was something he hadn’t wanted to consider.

I wanted to make you proud of me, sensei.

Like a father, so that Iruka would look at him and say something fatherly and soft, the kind of thing that made Naruto’s last year in the Academy less terrible; but there had been no way for Iruka to be proud of him where Saki was concerned, in fact, Iruka had looked downright disappointed. Naruto had figured that the best way to make anyone acknowledge him – to make Iruka proud – was to become a man worthy of respect, to never back down on his word and to follow his dreams to the very end; but where had that taken him? Sasuke’s influence spread in all directions, it seemed, corrupting even the smallest aspect of Naruto’s life.

I just wanted you to be proud of me.

And that would have meant giving Sasuke up, like everyone had expected him to; everyone except Sakura and Naruto had always valued her opinion the most because of it – even though Sakura had her own reasons for not giving up. In the end, when push came to shove, Naruto had disappointed Iruka rather than give up the only thing he really wanted, and that had hurt. It had made him feel as if he were losing his childhood, knowing his desires would always run counter to the people he most wanted to please.

“So… now that I’ve broken up with her, we’re okay?” Naruto ventured, throat tight.

Iruka made a strange sound at the back of his throat – something wounded and low – that made Naruto’s insides twist. “No, Naruto, that’s not it at all. I mean… why did you two break up in the first place?”

“You’re interested in that now?” Naruto asked, visibly incredulous.

“How can I not be? Naruto… have you looked at yourself in the past few weeks?” That caught him off-guard. “Have you?”

“…no…”

Iruka’s eyes were moist with worry and it made Naruto all the more uncomfortable. He certainly didn’t want Iruka upset over him like this, not like this! “You’ve lost weight and you… you’re…” Iruka waved his arms helpessly. “Naruto, you’ve always shined brighter than anyone I know, but now you seem… faded.”

The words made no immediate sense, save for the momentary elation he got from Iruka’s glowing eyes when he spoke of Naruto so highly, but the rest of the sentence tumbled over him uselessly. “Faded,” he repeated numbly. A dull throb of pain settled somewhere inside the void in his chest.

“Naruto… I can’t agree with every choice you take and it might take me some time to be okay with them, because I care about you, do you understand? I can’t always like your decisions but I can respect them and learn to accept them… and I won’t mind Saki or anything just as long as you are happy.”

Naruto looked up at him, inexplicably feeling like a dog that had been kicked for no reason it could discern. “It doesn’t matter anymore, Iruka-sensei. It’s over.”

Iruka shook his head. “No, it isn’t Naruto. This isn’t… it isn’t you.”

“This isn’t about me, sensei. Besides, shouldn’t you be happy now? You didn’t like me dating Saki anyways.” Naruto smiled widely, trying to turn the conversation in a direction which gave him a bit more footing.

Iruka would have none of that. “I didn’t like it, no. But that’s just it Naruto: it was your choice and I wanted to respect it. It’s just the way you are and...” a deep, steadying breath. “It’s why you’re so special.”

“… special.” He certaintly didn’t feel it at present. “The only thing that’s special about me is the fact that I got landed with the unluckiest jackpot ever on the day I was born.”

Iruka’s fists tightened on the counter, an angry frown distorted the line of his scar. “Self-pity doesn’t suit you, Naruto. You’re not the only one that lost important things on that day, and you’re certainly not the only one who never had a choice about it.”

Chastised, Naruto looked away. He didn’t like this conversation at all, it felt strange to talk to Iruka like that, as if there was no difference between them, as if Iruka wasn’t… well, as if he was something other than Naruto wanted him to be, not a father but a colleague. He didn’t like it. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, just do something about it,” Iruka murmured and the back of his hand was unbearably warm when he laid over the back of Naruto’s neck. “This just isn’t you.”

“Sensei, I’m not getting you at all.”

Iruka’s eyes flashed in pained anger. “Don’t you? Really? Where is the boy – pardon, the man - who swore he’d become Hokage at all cost? The kid who promised to never back down on his own word?”

(Where is the Sasuke that would have torn everything to shreds for his mission?)

Naruto’s back stiffened in remembrance and Iruka’s words opened up an even colder space within him. “Shouldn’t you be happy that I broke up with her, at least?”

“I’d feel happier, proud even, to know it was because you were true to yourself to the very end. But this...” Iruka shook his head. “This is giving up and it hurts me, Naruto. Not just me, you have no idea how worried everyone is.”

“Worried? I’d have thought they’d be throwing a party.”

“Really? Over seeing you give up hope?” Naruto flinched and looked away, working hard to keep his breathing steady and low; he’d never felt this cornered and exposed and that it should be Iruka who was doing it made him want to run as fast as he could. “You may not know how to deal with it and it may not be what you originally expected of your life Naruto, but there are many people in Konoha who love you, and seeing you like this is breaking them too.”

“And what the hell do they expect of me?” Naruto asked hoarsely, drawing a strange look from the old man’s daughter. Iruka smiled gently and leaned closer to him.

“That you be true to yourself, as you’ve always been.” Iruka squeezed Naruto’s neck, gently kneading. Warmth spread over his back, weakening him in ways he wasn’t accustomed to being weak. “I’ll always be proud of you Naruto, for as long as you are you.”

But I’m in love with a person who forgot what ‘being himself’ means altogether, where does that leave us?

It left him only one real fact: he was still in love with Sasuke, no matter what.

“Iruka-sensei…”

“Just think about it, will you, Naruto?” The warm hand left a vague ache when it dropped from his neck to pat his back affectionately. It made his throat tight. “Whatever you choose, I’ll still be here.”

I’m afraid. I’m terrified that there is nothing I can do.

(Why live with the uncertainty of when things will go to hell, when you can screw it ALL up on your own!)

“Iruka sensei?” Iruka had already payed and stepped away from the ramen stand, but he turned his head when Naruto called him.

“Yes, Naruto?”

“… thanks.” It was distressingly hard to even say the word, but he felt he owed it to the other man, somehow, for trying.

Iruka’s answering smile was brighter than anything Naruto could imagine and it filled some of the empty spaces within him with a tentative hint of warmth. “Anytime.”

* * *

Iruka’s words stayed with Naruto for a long time. He did not immediately know what to make of them, and he wondered how many people were in fact worried over him. Had his behaviour changed so much? He was tired more than anything else, too tired to want to think of other people worrying about him, or of Sasuke.

However, on one particular afternoon he ran into Shikamaru and found Saki sitting beside him. It was so out of the blue that he didn’t know what to do until it was too late to pretend he hadn’t seen them. She was still pretty, though she too seemed to have lost some essential shine she’d once had. Naruto walked up to them uncertainly. Shikamaru gave him a bland look and went back to watching the clouds; Saki avoided his gaze altogether.

A part of Naruto wanted to smile at her and say; welcome home, at last. In spite of it all, even when Naruto was clearly avoiding her – him… - their former classmates were still there. Some of them were still trying to make a space for Sasuke, and not just on Naruto’s behalf, they were doing this for Sasuke. It made Naruto wonder if the bastard would ever realise it and try to take back the pieces of himself he’d scattered. They were both still alive, and Naruto had wanted – so badly – to believe in the future he had glimpsed as a child.

Saki looked away, dark hair whipping around her face like heavy silk. Shikamaru’s face was calm, but shadows of exhaustion lined his cheekbones. It made Naruto wonder, though he couldn’t outright ask. There were other more pressing matters at hand as well.

“Look… the other day… I was out of line,” Naruto muttered, looking down at Saki. Shikamaru closed his eyes. Naruto saw Saki’s shoulders shake. “I’m sorry.” And I hate apologising.

“You… don’t have to apologise, Naruto-kun.” Naruto did a double-take, surprised by her easy acquisence. It wasn’t natural, not after what had happened. Then again, it wasn’t really Saki he’d been arguing with, not until the very end, so maybe apologising to Saki was wrong. But he couldn’t apologise to the bastard because he just wasn’t there and---

“No, I do. I shouldn’t have said any of the things I—“

“Should I leave?” Shikamaru interrupted, giving Naruto a dark glare. Troublesome, was what his eyes said and Naruto would have laughed under any other circumstance.

“…. Sorry, Shika. Could you?”

“You’re both too troublesome,” Shikamaru groused as he got up, dusting his pants with a sigh. “Be nice to her,” he admonished, giving Naruto a pat on the shoulder before leaving, but he stopped after a few steps and turned around. “Naruto… I forgot to tell you earlier: the Hokage asked you to refrain from trying to take any missions outside of Konoha for a while.”

Naruto blinked in blank outrage and Saki stiffened. “Why, exactly?”

Shikamaru shrugged uncomfortably. “The reasons are the Hokage’s own, but her request was formal, paperwork and all.”

Naruto’s mind raced, attempting to divine through Tsunade’s puzzling thought-processes. Had he done something to warrant confinement? Was it… was it something about the Kyuubi? Or had he screwed up somehow? Had Akatsuki done something else to the seal and they’d just found out? “And she gave no reason?”

“None.” That was, in itself, stranger still.

An odd chill coursed down his spine. “Shikamaru… off the record: am I being supervised?”

Shikamaru’s eyes were solid and very earnest, they said yes even when Shikamaru said: “No,” and Naruto knew where to look for the truth, confusing as it was. “I’ll see you two around.”

Naruto watched him walk away and shivered, feeling as if there were a tide moving around his legs that pulled him in directions he could not see or control. It made him uncertain of everything as he was of Sasuke and he could not help wondering if Iruka had sought him out for another reason, not just because he was worried. That kind of paranoia set his teeth on edge.

He also didn’t really want to apologise to Saki; it felt a bit like giving up, even though he knew he shouldn’t have said half of the things he’d said to Sasuke, but he had to say it or he’d choke. “I really am sorry about what happened.”

“It’s just…” Saki sighed heavily, appearing older than she – or Sasuke – was. “Further proof that we don’t mix well. Not the way you want us to.”

“Sa… ki,” he finished lamely. “I… forget what I said? I really just… wanted you to be with me.”

“And that’s pathetic, all things taken into account,” Saki sighed. Naruto blinked, hearing the words and feeling dizzied, because it was –more than ever - Sasuke’s voice and Sasuke’s snippy words, even though the clothes and the posture were not; a mix of both of them and – horribly so – not the proportion he’d wanted.

“Only because you make me so.” She looked up sharply at his word and Naruto shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry then. But if it’s true…” her gloved hand touched his leg, black eyes stared up at him, swallowing all the light into purest shadow. “Let me be with you?” Naruto knew how much it had cost Sasuke to say those words, even in Saki’s clothes and with Saki’s face, but still---

I know I said I wanted you to stay with me however you chose to do so but…

(…be true to yourself…)

“Look, I…” Saki was holding her breath and Naruto straightened his shoulders, taking a deep breath.

(…as you’ve always been.)

“Saki… I miss fighting with my best friend. I miss the arguments, the squabbles Sakura had to break up with her own bare fists. I miss competing about the stupidest things and… I don’t want sex half as much as I want to get all of that back.” He finished in a hurry, hoping he could see her eyes.

“Naruto I...” she shook her head from side to side, hair falling over her face. “I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t breathe, I can’t even move… but I don’t want to die either, and I want to give you what you want. That’s why…”

“What about yourself?” Naruto saw her jerk. “What do you want? Or is it something that you can’t accept unless you’re wearing those bitch boots?” The resentment was still there, Naruto realised, and he didn’t have the strength to hold it back. “You wanted to be stronger, more than anything else in the world… where is that drive now? What happened to that person?” What happened to Sasuke?

She got up and flicked some specks of dust off her skirt. “I’d rather have what I can, than risk losing it all again.”

“This isn’t like you.” And Iruka’s face flashed before Naruto’s mind and he knew what Iruka meant, what he’d seen in Naruto since the breakup.

Saki smiled thinly. “Not so long ago you expressed the firm belief that this was me.”

Naruto shook his head firmly. “It doesn’t feel that way anymore, you know? It feels as if… what little there was of you was… disappearing, or something like that. I used to think one day…” Naruto ran a hand through his messy hair, trying to order his thoughts. “…someday, Saki would be the one to fade into… who you should be.” Naruto waved his arms helplessly, incapable of putting that vague instinct into actual words.

“I need this Naruto, don’t you see? I need all of it, because if not….” She stopped talking abruptly, and swallowed.

“If not… if not what?” Naruto pressed on, desperately clinging to that slip. His hand had shot out unconsciously to grip her arm, a thick bicep tensed under his palm. Sasuke’s eyes were glued to the offending hand for a few moments before the tension eased and it was Saki again, to some degree.

“I-- when I pass by a window or a mirror I don’t see myself.” A bead of sweat trickled down her neck. Naruto wanted to lick it away, and hated himself for it. “I just see… him,” hands curled into fists, wrinkling all that pretty silk into a ball. It revealed her thighs and the garters that kept her stockings up. Naruto looked away.

“Sas---“

“You were right, I have turned into him; and when I wake up it’s his face I see, not mine. I can’t do that, I can’t live my life being the man I killed, I can’t live my life knowing I became what I hated the most –or what I most wanted to be – because it cost me everything, and I hate it. I hate it!” Sasuke finished in a rough whisper.

Naruto swallowed, incapable of saying anything to that. He felt helpess and devastated because this was something he hadn’t even suspected. “Sasuke…”

Sasuke – and Saki – shook his head in denial. “Naruto… this is what I want. At least like this, I’m not… me. And… I’m not even sure what that is anymore, anyway. The only thing I know is that… it’s all over. You said it yourself: it will never be alright again. Why not choose this then? Why not be… what I can be?”

Because I love Sasuke, not … Saki. That’s why.

But part of loving Sasuke was, perhaps… accepting that they’d reached a limit in their relationship, and that was that… Sasuke had never been as honest with anyone as he was being with Naruto now, he had probably never spoken as clearly and flatly of how he felt and how he saw his life. A part of Sasuke had died when he was a child and Itachi murdered his clan, and that was, perhaps, the greater part of Sasuke. Now that Itachi was dead… Sasuke had no reason to be strong, or… maybe you just realised just how weak you really were.

Except that, if I accept that this is it, I will give up on the one thing that I valued above everything else. And I wanted to believe…

Saki’s shoulders hunched inwards. “This is what I want.”

Naruto wanted to cry, but he didn’t, there was no point in it. “I---”

“I told you this wouldn’t work, Naruto. I told you—“

(I’m not who you want me to be… and I will never be)

“--- you should have let go.”

Naruto took a few long breaths, trying to fill the emptiness in his chest so he could speak. Sasuke was looking up at him, with his hands still fisted on his skirts. And it was Sasuke that Naruto saw there, without a doubt. He’d been talking to Sasuke for a long while already.

Naruto’s mind blanked for a moment, taking in the spectacle before him. Did he understand Sasuke? Was this what Sasuke wanted… could Naruto really believe that?

(Where is the boy – pardon, the man - who swore he’d become Hokage at all cost?)

(Where is the Sasuke that would have torn everything to shreds for his mission?)


“Saki… I---“ To give up…? After all that had happened? Did he even know how? Iruka’s steady brown eyes were a hot, heavy reminder at the back of his mind. The wound in his chest twinged uncomfortably and Naruto remembered waking up in the hospital, recalling who’d put that wound there and still feeling, despite the factual evidence, that there was hope yet.

That was what he’d always believed, and if sheer faith had got him this far…

(it’s my way of the ninja!)

Bastard… you know what…?

Naruto let go of a shaky breath and squared his shoulders. “You know what? I can’t. I never did let go, and I won’t, I already told you that. I believed in you, and I still do.” The words left him in a rush, it felt good to say them. Saki looked up as if she’d been slapped, eyes widening impossibly.

I will never back down on my word.

“That’s my way, and I will not change it, not for you. Especially not for you.”

Saki looked away after a long moment and her shoulders slumped. “You absolute moron,” there was a terrible despair in her voice.

Naruto grinned widely and crossed his arms behind his head, looking considerably more confident than he felt. “S’what it is.” He was shaky and terrified, yet there was something else now too, a remembered feeling that slipped back into him as though from a great distance.

(I’ll be the next Hokage!)

(I’ll master the Rasengan in three days!)

(I promise I’ll get him back, Sakura-chan…)

His legs felt stiff as he turned around and walked away, leaving Sasuke behind to mull over their conversation; but Naruto felt that old and familiar strength rekindle inside of him as each step took him forwards.

I will not back down on my word.

And, many many years ago, he’d said---

(I will get him back, for sure!)

It had been a long time since he’d last felt that way, and it was wonderful to feel – for the first time in ages - that he too, could someday be himself again.

You know why bastard? I won’t give up on you, because that would mean giving up on myself. I won’t give up on either one of us, because I can’t. I never will.

Because I believe.


* * *


However, Naruto didn’t get a chance to fully enact his determination; life is full of surprises and his was no exception to this old adage. On the eve of that next day, TenTen made it back to Konoha, barely able to stand; and with her, came word of Orochimaru.

If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.


Thanks to all the people who've reviewed here. :) And many thanks to Asuka for continuing to allow me to play with her Saki-thing. :)

Next chapter will be... soonish.