Our most featured Naruto

A/N: Well…um…at least its longer than the last chapter so rejoice in that! Thank you so much everyone who’ve reviewed, I love you all! And all questions about Shikamaru’s motives, I really can’t reveal anything on that end, yet. But that wont be for a very far off chapter so just stay tuned! Thanks again and please review!

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Chapter Two: Of Tights and Reviews

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Ring…ring…ring…

‘What the hell?! Wait till it’s out goddamit!’

Ring…ring…ring…

‘Shut up! I’m busy! Be patient dammit!’

Ring…ring…RING

‘Oh c’mon! It’s already halfway through!!’

RING…RING…RING!!!

“FINE ALREADY!” Uzumaki Naruto angrily swiped the tissues like credit cards through an unresponsive atm machine. He banged the lever enough to break it as water spewed form the toilet but was left unflushed. Naruto cursed the gods of heaven for breaking his glorious commode. To further add insult to injury, the water spraying on his back caused him to stand up suddenly and trip on his boxers. He fell face first through the open door, looking like a roasted pig as his underwear remained wrapped around his ankles.

Ring…ring…ring…

He groaned as the irony hit him like a dirty bullet. ‘Of all the times for someone to ACTUALLY call, it had to be when I was taking a dump.’ He slinked his way to his tiny bedroom, ignoring the pain and pleasure that the friction presented to his exposed boyhood. He had already sported quite the hard-on when he finally arrived by his dresser, his hand frantically searching the table top as he lied on the floor. He finally felt the cool plastic and was ready to yank the receiver from the wall but decided against it. “What the hell do you want?!”

Naruto could barely make out the sound of ragged breathing on the other side. It reminded him of someone who had just taken one hell of a dump as well. Whoever it was did not answer his question and continued to breathe heavily.

“Who the hell is this?! You’re seriously starting to creep me out…” And finally he got a response when the caller stopped respirating and attempted to speak.

“Naruto…”

He would have seriously made one heck of a puddle, which would have been quite a mess without any pants, if he hadn’t recognized that deep, tired voice. “Shikamaru?”

There was yet another eerie pause but Naruto was no longer bothered.

“Shikamaru-baka! I know it’s you dammit and why the hell are you breathing so hard?!”

Shikamaru took a gulp, swallowing whatever was in his mouth and spoke up. “Sorry. My mom forced me to do Pilates with her.”

Since the toilet incident, Naruto had went from angry, to aroused, to afraid, to annoyed, and then to amused for he suddenly exploded in laughter, rolling on the floor half naked. Shikamaru was far too tired to verbally attack the blond, and so settled upon staying quiet, glad that Naruto couldn’t see his blush of embarrassment.

The blond fox was finally able to settle down enough to wipe the tears from his eyes. “Hehe…wow Shika-teme! Your mom’s really got you whipped!”

Shikamaru grunted in acknowledgement, as if the truth made him miserable. “She thinks I need exercise…and if it makes me any less of a loser, she made my dad do it too…” Before Naruto could once again blow up in mirth, Shikamaru immediately chastised him, but the little blond did not let it go.

“Shika-teme…what are you wearing?”

The brown haired genius was so surprised by the strange question that he actually started to blabber incoherently. “W-wh-what th-the hell are y-you asking that for?! Wh-what are you?! Gay?!”

There was a long pause. A VERY long pause. The stars immediately halted in their orbits, comets crashing into each other and black holes swallowing themselves. The universe hushed into perpetual silence, glad that someone had finally dared to ask one of life’s most basic questions.

Shikamaru started to get perturbed by the fact that time had frozen, and yet he could hear the impact of cars in the distance. He could feel all matter transform into a state of extreme anticipation. “Naruto?” He whispered, concerned that he had hurt his usually loud friend. He held his breath until said friend gave the answer all of space had been waiting for.

“No…” He sighed in relief. But wait, was there more? “…you’re wearing tights aren’t you?”

And with that the constellations fell with a crash, and Shikamaru’s face turned as white as a sheet. His mouth dried instantly, disabling him from denying, from rejecting Naruto’s outrageous accusation and the implications behind it. And thus, he was numb.

“…your mom forced you to wear spandex didn’t she?”

Naruto was surprisingly sharp when it came to the irrelevant. Nonetheless, on the other side, Shika’s forehead was lined with nervous sweat, he could still not speak.

Then, at last, Naruto asked the inevitable. “…it’s the same kind that Lee wears isn’t it?” Two angels had flown up to heaven at that moment, for both his soul and his pride had perished together.

Naruto almost died from his imagination. He could just see it now…the Nara family and the Gai family collaborating to perform Swan Lake, with Shikamaru and Lee twirling on center stage, declaring the joys of youth. He even went as far as to imagine Shikamaru in a tutu. Somehow he didn’t get grossed out when he thought of Shikamaru and Lee making out under a porcelain swan. Oh the joys of youth.

By the time he had stopped laughing hysterically, Shikamaru had already hung up. He remembered his older friend tell him tiredly that they were meeting in the mall later in between his dangerous fits of laughter.

He placed the phone back in its cradle and stood up, finally lifting his boxers to where they should be. He sighed in contentment, humiliating Shikamaru took a lot out of him. He was grateful for Shikamaru, grateful that he had such a great and loyal friend. Though lazy and apathetic for most of the time, Shikamaru would never deny him anything. Ever since Sasuke-teme had left the picture, it was Shika-teme who had been there to pick up the pieces. He would die without his genius friend.

“Yosh! I’m finally going out! Yipee! He declared as he leaped into his shower. He hoped there would be many things to say in his journal when the day ends.

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I’m a Barbie girl! In a Barbie world!

‘That’s the last time I let ANYONE choose my ringtone…’

Life in plastic…IT”S FANTASTIC!

“All right already!” The light-haired girl sat herself in front of her pc before answering her cell, which was decorated with numerous shiny things hanging from it. She threw her hair back reflexively and answered. “Hello?”

“Ino…” It was a gruff voice that she knew so darn well.

“Sasuke-kun? What can I do for you so early in the morning?” Early for you, you hedonist!

“Yeah whatever.” Came the emotionless reply from the boy she used to love. “I need a favor.”

Ino made a mock gasp, failing to hide her bubbliness. “Why Sasuke-kun, you have really been digging deep in the favor bucket lately! Don’t you feel sorry at all for your dear Ino-chan?” She pouted and batted her blond eyelashes for effect, though he couldn’t see her.

“If that wasn’t rhetorical, then no.” Always the blunt Uchiha. “And besides, Yamanaka, you owe us.”

Ino breathed out in exasperation, more in the Uchiha’s lack of a sense of humor than the fact that due to past circumstances, she and her family were eternally indebted to BOTH black-haired brats. She tucked her one single bang behind her ear. “Yeah, yeah I know. So what do you want now Sasuke?” Finally getting serious.

Sasuke smirked on the other line. Ino was a lot more different than Sakura; she actually had the capacity to be mature even around him. He was unaware that Ino had long abandoned her love for him. And so he sounded smug. “Fine Yamanaka. It’s not that big of a request, you can handle it.”

“Oh? Well, spit it out already! I have things to do you know!”

“Well…it’s about Sakura…”

“What? Again?! How many times am I gonna have to lie to her? She’s not as dumb as you think she is! That huge forehead is filled with SOMETHING you know!” Ino was getting rather weary of Sasuke’s repetitive demands to distract his girlfriend.

“It’s not exactly the same Yamanaka…” She could tell that Sasuke sounded somewhat embarrassed, so she let him continue. “I need…I need you to keep her from using the internet.”

Her eyes bulged. ‘What kind of request is that?!’ “Keep her from the internet? Why?!”

“You’re not in a position to question me Yamanaka.”

Ino growled at the Uchiha’s arrogance. She at least had the right to know exactly for what reason she would have to keep a teenager from using the internet. Not to mention that logging on to friendster was practically a young girl’s equivalent to breathing. “I don’t care! Giving her false leads is a lot easier than keeping her from doing something! I can’t monitor her twenty-four seven Sasuke!” She was getting desperate, that was a favor that was beyond her vast capabilities. “Why do I have to do this?!”

“It’s just…well…BECAUSE okay! Enough already! You’re doing it Yamanaka or else its gameover if you know what I mean.”

Before Ino could thoroughly nag the lecherous Uchiha to death for blackmailing her, he was gone. Ino sighed dejectedly, totally defeated.

“What was that about?” A sinister voice echoed from a dark corner in her room.

Ino bounced on her seat, startled by the sudden presence. “Dammit Shikamaru! Get out of there will you? You look like you’re waiting to rape me or something!”

The sneaky prodigy did as he was told, and seemed completely bored doing it. “Maybe I was.” He tried to smirk, but his lips felt too heavy.

The perky blond rolled her eyes. “Cheh! Yeah right! Coming from someone who finds moving a waste of energy!”

Shikamaru rolled his own set of eyes. “Yeah I get it. I’m lazy, I’m a sloth, I’m about as energetic as a totem pole. I think I’m aware of that Ino.”

Ino huffed and turned to her computer. “Glad you know.” She began to type; she didn’t feel committed to a conversation just then.

Shikamaru extracted as much precious kinetic energy that was needed to move his mouth and so began the exchange. “From what I could gather, I assume that the Uchiha wants you to play with his girlfriend again?”

Ino reluctantly ceased the rapid movement of her fingers, sighed heavily, and spun on her seat to face the not so unwelcome intruder. She once again tucked the bothersome bang and peered at the floor. “Yep, she wants me to keep her from using the net.”

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. “But that’s-”

“I know, impossible.” Finishing his sentence for him. She looked up form the ground and peered into Shikamaru’s dark eyes, clasping her hands together. “You wouldn’t happen to know why he would demand such a thing…wouldn’t you?”

The lazy genius stared into the heavens, making it seem like he was thinking about it. “Hmm…if I can make a wild guess…maybe he doesn’t want her to venture into a certain website…?”

“A certain website…that happens to have a certain…video?” She asked childishly.

“With a certain…blond boy?”

“Are you certainly certain?”

Shikamaru shook his head. “Enough already! This is getting troublesome.”

Ino simply giggled. “You started it, Sherlock!” She spun around and returned to peering at her screen. “I guess he still likes him then…if he doesn’t want certain people to interfere.”

Shikamaru donned a sad expression, but it was gone in a second. “We can’t let him get in the way. Not even to make amends.”

The girl continued with her business, seemingly engrossed, but had digested Shikamaru’s every word. “Yeah…we’ll make sure Naruto gets what he deserves.” And with that a comfortable silence lingered between the two, until Shikamaru once again broke it.

“We’re gonna hang out today.”

Ino only seemed mildly intrigued. “Oh?” She went on clicking.

“Shino will be a problem.”

And with that she stopped, but did not move much else. “Yes…he will be. You better be prepared for him. There’s also the teacher’s.”

Shikamaru was strangely not bothered with the immeasurable amount of effort he would have to give to keep the charade going for how many number of weeks. Though, with faith in his deduction skills, he predicted that things would come to a head at either Christmas or New Years, when Naruto would receive one hell of a gift. “You know that I’ve took into account every detail Ino. I’ve left Chouji with that particular task.”

“Hmm…can’t help feeling sorry for them. The adults will be hard to handle. But nothing to difficult for us eh Shikamaru?”

The boy just grunted an affirmative.

He wasn’t aware that Ino had been analyzing the status of the video until she made it known. “Wow, Lazyboy51, you currently have more than fifty subscribers. Obviously this ‘Hollywood experiment’ thing”, she said that while bending two fingers in quotations, “really capture peoples interest. This is almost like a reality show for them!”

The smug brunette made a real smirk, reveling in his creativity and deception skills.

Ino turned her head slightly to face him with one blue eye. “You know, I understand Lazyboy, but why 51?”

The lazy boy didn’t really think it over and shrugged. “Naruto apparently has an IQ of 51.”

Ino grimaced and turned back to the screen. “Ouch. Is that even possible for a human being?”

The boy shrugged again, not really caring. “I don’t know. Either he really has the vocabulary, comprehension, and analytical skills of a four year old, or maybe the test just had all the wrong questions.”

Ino didn’t really pay any more heed to it. She knew that Naruto wasn’t as dumb as he appeared, apart from being incredibly oblivious, which would serve to their utmost advantage in the future. “You should really check out these video responses, they’re insane!”

Shikamaru grunted in annoyance but complied, Ino had the potential to be more dangerous than his mother. He moved closer, hands in his pocket, hovering his head over her shoulder. Her monitor was pink, he dully noted.

“Hmm…let’s see…this one!” And with a click, it loaded to a video.

The video belonged to someone with the username “shu-eiri” and sported hundreds of reviews of its own. When the video loaded enough, Ino clicked play. What materialized was a kid with pink hair; he thought it was Sakura before he noticed that it was obviously a boy…with purple eyes!

“Wow…he’s cute!” Ino declared with admiration. Shikamaru reasoned to himself that it was only because she liked pink and purple…

“Hello Naruto! My name’s Shuichi and I’m sooo glad I saw your video!” He clasped his hands and started swinging them with glee. Shikamaru silently swore in disgust. How could Ino like…that?! “You’re really cute you know! I would really like it if you could come to one of my concerts! And I’m the lead singer too if you don’t know! Oh no…wait…oh yeah! You can’t know! Since you’re under an experiment and all…” He looked forlorn, and then his face brightened instantly. “Well whoever is watching please tell him that Shuichi wants him to come to-”

“BRAT!!” A much deeper voice shouted from somewhere in the room.

“Eep!”

“What the hell are you doing with Chrysanthemum!?” Was that…the computer?

The pink haired boy looked terrified. That must be his father, Shikamaru thought. “I’m so sorry Yuki I was playing World of Warcraft when I got aggroed and that was bad since I’m a bard an so I died and so I got bored and I went browsing on Youtube and now I’m replying to this video with a really cute guy and-” The “brat” froze quite comically after that last part, having just realized his mistake. “Oops.”

Shikamaru still could not see the man with the deep voice. “You were watching WHAT guy? Baka? Would you mind repeating that?” Did he just sound…jealous?

Shuichi started sweating profusely and sputter out his words. “Uh Yuki…I didn’t mean it that way! I was just…what are you gonna do to me Yuki? Why do you look so scary? AH!! Don’t come any closer! Yuki what are you…” The man called Yuki closed the gap between them enough that they could see him. He was tall, blonde, and quite handsome.

“We’ll see who’s cute…”

Shikamaru realized that they were DEFINITELY not blood related when the big blond started to do things that most fathers don’t do to their children, and when the boy moaned in a way that sons would never do when they’re “fondled” by a parent.

Ino’s eye twitched uncontrollably and Shikamaru was pale as a ghost. She quickly pressed the back button before the men could divest themselves of any more clothing right on their desk chair.

“Ah…umm…ah…well that was…interesting.” Ino tried to be lively, but she just sounded nervous.

The room was as silent as death before Shikamaru spoke, sounding surprisingly apathetic. “You would have kept on watching if I weren’t here. Right?”

Ino didn’t think she needed to answer. But Inner Ino was screaming; “Hell yes dammit!!” Shikamaru would never know how turned on she was. To distract the tension, she quickly spun things around. “Uh…let’s watch something else okay!” She clicked on a random video response.

Shikamaru was relieved for the most part when the video came to show three teenagers. No chance of candid sex there, as he vetoed out the possibility of a threesome. Though he was rather bemused when the video seemed to have been taken underwater, or rather, the camera was underwater. There was a girl in the group who had wavy brown hair. She whispered to the bespectacled boy beside her.

“Harry! You told us we were going to Snape’s office to steal ingredients for the polyjuice potion, not go web surfing on his crystal ball!” She sounded British.

“Oh c’mon Hermione! Where’s your sense of pointlessly dangerous fun?” So grumbled the boy who was on the other side of “Harry”. He had red hair and his mouth was full of what appeared to be a chocolate frog. Hermione looked disgusted.

“Sorry Hermione, I saw this boy in a video on Youtube and I really need to respond. I think he needs help! The muggles are tricking him!” Shikamaru noticed that the brown-haired boy had a very distinct looking scar shaped like a chicken wing on his forehead…odd.

The girl blanched in horror. “What?! Youtube?! You mean muggles can see this? Harry what were you -” They all turned to one direction in successive gasps when the faint sound of rattling keys could be heard.

“Damn McGonagall, that sexy old vixen would have kept me up all night…”

Collective exclamations of “Oh fudge!” was all there was before the screen went to black.

Shikamaru and Ino continued to blink in obvious confusion at what they had just seen. ‘What the hell was that?’

“Well that was um…”

“Very bizarre.” Shikamaru finished for her.

“Yeah…”

“As much as I’d love to stay and dig more into the enigmas of Youtube, I’m afraid I have plans.” He said as he moved away from Ino.

“Oh yeah…Naruto…well take care of yourself then!” She said with a grin.

The brunette narrowed his eyes at Ino, crossed his arms, and tapped his foot, patiently.

Ino withered under Shikamaru’s gaze, getting nervous. “…what? You want a goodbye kiss or something?” She looked down shyly.

Shikamaru just rolled his eyes. “No. Wasn’t there something YOU needed to do Ino?”

“W-what?” And she actually thought Shikamaru would be romantic! She pressed her finger to her chin, thinking about it. “No, I don’t think…”

…

“…OH SHIT!! SAKURA!!” She grabbed for her cell and dialed quickly. Praying to God she wasn’t too late!

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Next chapter will finally center on Naruto and his friend, and Sakura’s first appearance. The chapter after that will be Naruto’s second entry to his journal, and after that will be highschool madness from then on! PLEASE REVIEW!!!