Viva Forever

Note:- For the life of me I can’t remember how old Hanabi is and am not sure if she was even born by the time Neji was six. My apologies if that is so.

~ Chapter 3 ~

In all his twenty-two years on earth, Neji had never had a reason to fear another human being besides his Uncle. Until today, and ironically the same person that disturbed his mental equilibrium was the same person he couldn’t stop thinking about.

After the confrontation last night, Neji ambled back to his reserved room. He couldn’t sleep and spent the majority of the early morning hours shifting through his past.

He kept himself locked within the suite in fear that if he stepped out, for just one second, he’d bump into that man again. His paranoia also stubbornly refused to let him order room-service and while he didn’t think he could stomach anything, by mid-day, his hunger pangs became unbearable and his body declared a state of emergency.

Neji cautiously left his room and padded quietly along the hallway. His nerves wound taut like a bow as he expected any one of the numerous doors that framed either side of him to fly open and a raving madman to pounce upon him. He felt like a fool whenever he peeked around corners to see who was on the other side and his bizarre behaviour seemed to draw attention he didn’t want from bellboys and maids.

Strangely enough, the acutely agoraphobic Neji didn’t feel safe until he was finally outside the Four Season Hotel and even then he didn’t allow himself to breathe a sigh of relief as he hastily made his way towards a nearby café.

He was hungrier than he thought and also surprised by the number of sandwiches he managed to put away but for some reason the B.L.T.’s and tuna subs didn’t taste as good as they should, in fact, they gave his taste buds no gratification at all.

He knew why. He was still upset about the things that ‘Sasuke’ stranger said to him last night and he recognized this symptom as one that his therapist said was linked to stress.

Neji sighed heavily and called for his bill. He didn’t need any stress right now. Not after he’d painstakingly invested so much to cure himself of his various maladies with a slight gradation of positive results and he had finally managed to conduct the most miniscule detail in his life just the way he wanted it. Now, this insensitive jerk comes along and throws everything for a loop.

But according to Sasuke, wasn’t he being the insensitive one?

He gave his head a mental shake. ‘No. It’s not my fault,’ he argued with himself. ‘I moved on with my life, it’s his own fault if he couldn’t do the same, right?’

He still didn’t feel so certain anymore and it was getting harder and harder to convince himself, but dammit, why did he feel guilty if he didn’t give a damn about Sasuke or didn’t even remember him?

His stomach churned; another stress attack symptom, and the size of the bill didn’t help matters either. Had he really eaten that much? Well, it was all going to waste now because he suddenly felt like throwing up.

Neji paid while trying to keep the bile as far back in his throat as he could and, just his luck, his taste buds chose that exact moment to start functioning again and the warm, salty mucous made him so sick that the waitress even noticed he was looking a little green.

He wanted to blame the same Sasuke for causing him so much unwanted anxiety but was it his own fault for letting this anonymous person affect him in the first place?

God, he knew he never should have gone to that damned party and regretted not standing up to his uncle like his therapist told him to, but he knew Hiashi was only trying to make amends for all the trouble he’d caused the boy in his youth. Doting on Neji was his way of saying he was very sorry and while he didn’t want to dishearten the old man by refusing his penitence, his ongoing apology was causing Neji more unnecessary grief.

Hiashi’s heart was in the right place. He’d learned from his mistake that he should accept Neji for who he was and not try to change him because he thought his brother and sister-in-law were raising him ‘the wrong way’ and later, when Neji’s biological father passed away, Hiashi became even more involved as he seemed to take on his brother’s responsibility, much to the chagrin of the young man.

His mother suggested he humor his uncle since he was trying to make up for past transgressions but Neji’s therapist strongly disagreed and urged the Hyuuga to set Hiashi straight.

According to Shikamaru, Hiashi was acting upon his desire to have a son of his own, but his wife could only give him two daughters before she developed ovarian cancer. Because the Hyuuga family lived together on one, large compound, Hiashi had always been an active role model in Neji’s early childhood, but around that same time when they learned his wife could no longer conceive, and he had lost all odds of having a boy, was the same time Hiashi made little Neji’s life a living hell.

He’d changed though, after realizing he’d made a terrible error in judgment but just because he stopped being his cruel, malevolent uncle and was trying to be his self-appointed, surrogate father did not mean he was any less of a nuisance.

Shikamaru told him time and time again to let the old man know that he had his own children and to stop poking his nose into Neji’s life but Neji couldn’t bring himself to say something so callous even though he wanted nothing more than to get his uncle off his back. Not when he was trying so hard to make amends.

But how many times did he have to say ‘apology accepted’ before Hiashi finally got it? How many times did he have to assure him that he no longer held any hard feelings towards him before he left him the hell alone? He knew his uncle still saw him as his own son and noticed how he would often neglect his two daughters to spend time with him but Neji could never confront him about it because he didn’t want to hurt his uncle’s feelings.

Shikamaru always laughed when he said that and would always tell him he cared too much about what other people thought of him. Which was true, and something he was still being treated for. The underlying issue there, however, was that Neji was afraid of being hurt and, knowing what that felt like, didn’t want to induce the same kind of suffering upon another person. Conversely, he didn’t want to offend someone and they, in turn, try to inflict any type of verbal or physical abuse upon him so he always had a hard time saying ‘No’.

But he was getting better. He’d hurt another human being just last night by standing up for himself and not letting him wipe his feet all over him like some welcome mat and Neji smirked wryly. Shikamaru would have been so proud of him for finally using his backbone but, ironically, his actions then did nothing for his peace of mind now.

He needed to talk to Shikamaru. He was the only one who could help him get over his guilt and was usually the only one who made him feel better about himself as a person and restored his self-worth, but by the time he got to his office it was already a quarter after five and the psychiatrist was just getting ready to close up for the day.

“Here comes my Christmas bonus,” the secretary whispered in jest to her employer as she gathered her purse and locked her desk.

Shikamaru scowled at the woman.

Neji was one of his more frequent clients and what a hypochondriac was to a doctor, Neji was to him. He was always in here, month after month for a psychoanalysis as if it were a scheduled check-up and anytime that Shikamaru was booked solid, he was always willing to pay more so he could be squeezed in but while he could relate to what the young girl was saying he didn’t think it was very respectful.

Maybe because he had a lot more respect for Neji than he had for most of his other clientele.

They had both attended the same college and studied within the same syllabus but Neji never pursued a career in Psycology after graduating and, instead, pursued a trade in web page designing. It suited his reclusive lifestyle very well since he could work from home and Shikamaru believed he was doing the psychiatric field a huge favour because, honestly, how did he expect to treat anyone if he couldn’t even properly diagnose himself?

Because he and Neji had become acquainted through the numerous assignments they shared in classes he must have formed a trust with him, and that was why he chose Shikamaru over the hundreds of other shrinks.

“I’m really sorry for coming this late,” the Hyuuga said, his voice practically pleading the Nara to spare him just a few minutes.

“Actually, I wasn’t expecting you until Thursday,” and a quick flip through the log on his secretary’s desk confirmed that appointment.

“I know but… something happened,” he sighed.

‘Something’s always happening with you, ne?’ he wanted to say, but Shikamaru bit his tongue. He could tell Neji was truly upset this time as opposed to the many other times he was just paranoid about simple things like people talking about him behind his back.

Shikamaru dismissed the girl then escorted Neji into the privacy of his office. “Now, what seems to be troubling you today?” he asked after closing the door and watched as his patient systematically shrugged out of his denim jacket, folded it neatly and placed it at the head of the psychiatrist’s couch to use as a pillow.

He’d always wanted to ask him about that habit but never found the time.

“Last night, at this party-”

“The party your uncle gave you his invitation to?” Shikamaru cut in just to make sure they were on the same page.

Neji nodded slowly and Shikamaru sighed.

“Why didn’t you tell your uncle you didn’t want to go, Neji?” he asked and grabbed a pen and pad and took a seat in the high-backed leather chair nearby.

“I- well… he said that he wanted me to have it so that… I’d go and have fun… and get out of the house… you know.”

“And while I applaud his efforts for encouraging you to step out of your comfort zone and develop a social life you can’t keep doing things because he tells you to,” the Nara reprimanded him sternly. “You’re only encouraging him to control your life if you keep doing what he says.”

“I- I know,” Neji whispered meekly and twiddled his fingers together and Shikamaru recognized that habit as one he made whenever he was being lectured.

“So, what happened at this party that you didn’t want to go to?” the shrink asked after exhaling heavily through his nose.

“I met this man… Sasuke. A man I don’t remember; but can’t seem to stop thinking about.”

Shikamaru put his pen to paper and began writing. “What makes you say that?”

“It’s not just Sasuke himself, but the things he said to me. I try not to take them to heart and I think he was lying but… at the same time… I get the feeling he’s telling the truth.”

“And what exactly did he say that makes you think he was being sincere?”

“Well,” Neji shifted on the sofa and gazed at the ceiling as if everything that was said that night was written there, word for word. “He said that we were married… I think he said when we were kids… umm six years old, and that he was my husband and I was his wife.”

Shikamaru paused mid-stroke and raised an amused eyebrow as he looked over at the man on the sofa to make sure he wasn’t pulling his leg and when Neji turned to face him with a completely lost look on his face, Shikamaru shook his head and chuckled before saying, “If you ask me, I think this ‘Sasuke’ should be the one lying on my couch, not you.”

“That’s what I thought,” Neji agreed, a bit too distraught to find the humor there. “But you should have seen him Shika. He was obsessed about this and he wouldn’t let it go. He was angry that I’d forgotten all about him and I could tell that he was hurt by it but it was so long ago that I…,” he shook his head helplessly. “I just can’t remember.”

“I see,” the tanned man nodded and after finishing his paragraph he put it aside so he could begin Neji’s hypnosis. It never take very long since Neji was highly susceptible to the technique and once he was sure the Hyuuga was deep within the suggestive state he retrieved his writing implements.

“Neji, I want you to go as far back into your childhood as you can. You are six years old again. Where are you?”

He knew he couldn’t go back to the immediate moment Neji first met Sasuke especially since he didn’t recall ever having met Sasuke. There may have been a traumatic experience with the boy that caused him to repress those specific memories related to him and if that was the case then he would have to revive them cautiously.

Neji relates his sixth birthday in great detail and calls the names of all the children present at Shikamaru’s instruction.

No Sasuke there.

Shikamaru then fasts forward through significant events in his life that would warrant a gathering of family and friends: holidays, school plays, picnics, trips to the zoo until his 7th birthday party rolls around. An entire year of Neji’s life they cover in just over an hour but still no mention of the infamous Sasuke and Shikamaru was starting to believe he never met him at all.

Neji continues to relive his childhood and when he gets to the part where his uncle starts to scare him Shikamaru is tempted to fast-forward because he is very familiar with these details.

It was one of the main reasons he was treating Neji in the first place.

‘Nothing so far,’ Shikamaru muttered to himself as he flipped another page and continued jotting down notes. ‘Neji is highly susceptible to hypnotism, that is a fact,’ and he looked over at the whimpering young man as he described the frightening growl and the terrifying face that peeks out at him from the darkness of his bedroom. ‘Could it be that this ‘alleged’ Sasuke confused Neji with someone else but Neji associated himself with Sasuke’s old friend because he felt sorry for him?’

He tapped the end of the pen against his chin as he thought about it. It wasn’t too far-fetched… Neji was overly-sensitive to others and his will was fairly gullible so he always had difficulty doubting what others told him, but there was no way to confirm his theory unless he analyzed Sasuke too.

“Neji,” he opened his mouth and was just about to snap him out of his daze and share his hypothesis when the Hyuuga said something that hooked his attention. “Wait… could you repeat that.”

“My father is angry and he confronts my uncle about the things he did and said to me. My mother takes me upstairs to their bedroom but I can still hear them arguing. I can’t sleep even though my mother is singing to me. The voices downstairs are too loud. I eventually drift off. I wake up the next morning and mommy’s not with me. I get up to look for her and find her downstairs with my dad. They’re packing all our belongings into boxes and strange men are putting the boxes in the back of a truck. I ask my mom and dad what they’re doing and they tell me we’re moving away.”

Shikamaru frowns. Why was he hearing this for the first time? Neji never mentioned that his parents moved in an attempt to get him away from his uncle before. Could this be it? The beginning of the memories Neji repressed? Then that meant that Sasuke wasn’t too far behind.

“Do your parents ever tell you why they are moving?”

“Yes.”

“What was the reason?”

“They tell me they’re taking me to a new house far, far away; where it will just be the three of us and I’ll never have to worry about my uncle scaring me again.”

“Where do they move to?”

“Nagano.”

“What happens when you get to your new home?”

“The men start to unpack and my father tells them where to put everything,” Neji continued. “I look at the house and my mother asks me if I like it. I tell her I don’t, that I miss my old home and I want to be with Hinata, Hanabi and my old friends again. She kneels down in front of me and cups my face and tells me that I can still talk to my cousins on the phone and she knows I miss them but this is for the best. One of the men ask her a question and when she is distracted, I run away.”

Shikamaru nods as he scribbles away on his note pad. He could understand why a child in that situation would be upset. In essence, his parents had betrayed him by stripping him away from friends, family and a familiar place they had grown accustomed to. “After you run away where do you go?”

Neji frowns, suddenly very intimidated by his surroundings even though he was still lying on the couch in Shikamaru’s office. “I don’t know,” he whispers. “It’s a new neighborhood… with strange people I don’t know and places I’ve never been before. I’m lost… I’m scared and I miss my mom… I go to a place away from everyone else, behind some trees and I crouch down and start to cry.”

He really shouldn’t put him through this. Shikamaru knew how debilitating Neji’s separation anxiety from his mother was as a child and if it had been her that died instead of his father then it probably would have killed him as a teenager. Shikamaru just found it very surprising that he would run away from her in the first place. This was probably why he blocked this particular memory. He didn’t want to remember what his life was like without her.

He was just about to get him to skip this part as well and jump back to when he is reunited with his parents but Neji mentions a boy approaching him and Shikamaru sits up in his chair and leans closer.

“Neji, what is the name of that boy?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

‘Shit,’ Shikamaru sighs dejectedly. Well, he couldn’t very well expect him to know the name of the boy yet. He was in a new neighbourhood and they’d just met, after all, but that didn’t stop the Nara from having his suspicions. “How does he greet you?”

“He asks me what my problem is.”

Shikamaru stifles a laugh as the all too familiar line. “What happens next?”

“He crouches next to me, and asks me if I’m deaf. I keep crying and looking down at the ground. He asks me what’s wrong and I tell him I’m lost. He makes an annoyed sound and mutters something about damsels in distress. He stands up again and holds out his hand to me and tells me to come with him. I wipe at my eyes and then look up at him.”

“What does he look like?” Shikamaru interrupted.

“I don’t know.”

The psychiatrist sighs and tries to get a reign on his frustration. “What do you mean?” he asks and he wonders if Neji somehow ‘blotted’ out his face from his memory.

“He’s standing in front of the sun so I can’t see his features clearly and my vision is blurry from crying so much. I take his hand and he leads me away but I still look at the ground and I walk behind him so I only see the back of his head.”

“I see,” he said with a nod. “Go on.”

“He takes me to his house and into the kitchen. It smells nice. I feel hungry. The woman at the stove turns to look at us and she smiles. She asks the boy who his new friend is.”

“What does the woman refer to him as?” Shikamaru cut in again.

“She calls him ‘honey’.”

‘Troublesome,’ the doctor grits his teeth and, slighted, he encourages Neji to go on.

“He says that I’m some girl he found lost in the park. I stamp my foot and huff. I tell him that I’m not a girl; I’m a boy. He turns to look at me, then he says that I don’t look like a boy to him, especially in that girly kimono.”

Shikamaru found his chance. With Sasuke giving him the once over, Neji had a clear view of his face and would be able to tell if he looked even remotely like that man he saw last night but there was no need to ask because the next thing Neji said confirmed that they had found their white whale.

“The woman then turns to look at him and she frowns and says Sasuke, don’t be rude.”