Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!

Warnings: Yaoi, Anal, Oral, Mpreg – and a mesh of medical yet somehow totally off-the-wall way to explain mpreg. Please note that the medical portion of the explanation will go over your head if you didn’t do well in (or never took) basic Biology. You’ve been warned.

This fic is dedicated to michelerene/lexjamandme.

Special thanks to Master of the Rebels who was kind enough to beta this for me! ::huggles her::

Naruto, You’re Not Pregnant!

Chapter 3: Baby

Naruto blinked, looking at the baby in the baby basket in utter disbelief. His first thought was that he hadn't really woken up yet, and seeing a baby on his floor was just a dream. Once he realized that he was awake, he thought that perhaps this was just some sort of elaborate joke in the form of a genjutsu.

"Kai!" Naruto tried. When the baby was still there, Naruto tried the genjutsu release again, but the baby still sat sleeping in its little basket.

There was a baby sleeping in his apartment. What. The. Hell? While Naruto was fairly certain that the baby was really in his apartment, he had no idea as to why. The baby was asleep at the moment. His earlier cry of disbelief (thankfully) hadn't woken the little baby. From Naruto's experience, when babies woke up, they cried, wanted to be fed, and (eww) needed their diapers changed. What Naruto didn't know about this baby was whom it belonged to, and why in the world someone would put a baby in his room. It unnerved him to think that there had been someone in his place and he hadn't even woken up. Thankfully nothing had been done to him.

Naruto put his hands in his hair, wondering what the heck he was supposed to do. Why would anyone leave a baby for him?

Sighing, Naruto took a closer look at the sleeping baby, careful to be quiet. (There was a strange instinct in Naruto to keep the baby from waking lest it start crying.) The baby was very cute, though the little one couldn’t be more than a few weeks old. Naruto scratched the back of his head, looking thoughtful. What to do?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"There's a strange baby in my apartment that someone dumped there," Naruto said as he burst into the Hokage's Office.

"Naruto, I thought all this nonsense about you being pregnant and having a baby ended ages ago-"

"I'm not saying I'm pregnant and I gave birth to a baby! I'm saying there's an actual baby that someone else gave birth to and then left in my apartment! They left the little tyke in a basket at my place!" Tsunade looked at Naruto searchingly.

"Are you serious?" Tsunade demanded, looking at him critically.

"Yes."

"There's a baby in your apartment?"

"Yes," Naruto emphasized.

"WELL WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE A BABY ALL ALONE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING IT HERE?!" Tsunade bellowed.

"It was sleeping! Moving it might have woken it! Babies scream and cry when they're awake!" Naruto said as though his reasoning were obvious.

"If you really did magically happen to have a baby appear in your apartment-"

"You make it sound like a stork brought the baby because I asked for it!"

"-you can't just leave it alone!"

"I didn't want to bring it here with me in case the parent came back and the baby's alone! But do you really think I'm that irresponsible? I'm with the baby still," Naruto said.

It took half a second for Tsunade to register Naruto's words and what he meant when he had said, "I'm with the baby still."

"You're a clone," Tsunade realized. The Naruto clone in front of her rolled his eyes.

"You really thought I’d leave a baby all alone?" Naruto asked angrily. Tsunade’s truthful answer was yes, but she didn’t voice her initial thought. "You need to come and check the baby out as soon as possible!"

"Naruto," Tsunade said, putting her hand to her face, "you do realize that I am the Hokage which means I have many duties. Why didn't you get Sakura to check the baby over?"

"The instruction manual that the baby came with said to have you check the baby out specifically."

"Instruction manual? Babies do NOT come with instruction manuals."

"Babies aren't supposed to randomly appear in my room either, but this one did AND it has an instruction manual that came with it."

"You know, I think I do need to see this."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"I don't believe this. There's really an instruction manual," Tsunade muttered.

She and Naruto’s clone had left the Hokage Tower immediately and had gone back to Naruto's apartment, jumping in through Naruto's window. (Tsunade had said that it was about time that she got to enter through someone else's window as people tended to do that to her office all the time.) The clone vanished upon returning, and Naruto pointed to the baby incredulously, as though to say, “See?”

Tsunade immediately went to the baby. The baby was awake now, its little body twisting in the sheet, its eyes barely open. The baby's little lip trembled and he (Tsunade had just checked) looked ready to start crying at any moment. His little bottom lip made a downward curve, his chin trembling slightly, and his eyes scrunched up as he began to finally cry.

"Aaaa...Aaaa..." It was a quiet, low cry, and it somehow made him endearing rather than annoying, as most babies are when they cry.

If Naruto had been able to see his own face at that moment, he would have seen his eyes widen comically as he rushed over, pushing Tsunade to the side (none too gently either), practically pushing her out of the way as he scooped the baby up. The baby's cries were slightly muffled as Naruto gently held the baby to his shoulder, cradling the baby's head tenderly. Tsunade took a good look at the baby boy in Naruto's arms as well as taking a good look at Naruto's face. Part of Tsunade felt her heart skip a beat as she remembered that Naruto has thought he was pregnant. He had said, "I have my reasons."

Tsunade swallowed, wondering how Naruto could have confused the evidence like this. Why hadn't Naruto told her that he'd had sex? Clearly the woman Naruto had had sex with had given birth. He had been experiencing sympathy pains for the baby’s mother. Why hadn't Naruto thought to ask the woman he’d slept with if she were pregnant?

Sakura had told Tsunade her theory that perhaps Naruto’s sage ability to pick up on people’s chakra had made it so that he had picked up on a random woman’s sympathy pains. It wasn’t a random woman’s – it was whomever Naruto had slept with.

Did Naruto honestly not see the resemblance between himself and the baby? Even Tsunade could see it! Did Naruto honestly not know why this baby was in his place? The baby was his!

"Why is it crying?" Naruto asked confused.

"The baby is a he, not an it, and there could be any number of reasons why a baby cries," Tsunade said as she contemplated if Naruto really had no idea that the baby was most likely his child.

"I know that, but which type of crying is it?" Naruto asked.

"Which type of crying is what?"

"In the instruction manual it said that babies cry for different reasons, but the sound and the pitch of the cry can determine the reason, you know, if it sounds a certain way than he's cranky because he needs to eat or to be changed, that kind of thing."

"Does it really say that in the 'instruction manual?'"

"Yes. Page seven." Raising her eyebrows, Tsunade grabbed the instruction manual from where Naruto had had it on his bed, opening it to page seven. Her eyes widened and her eyebrows raised even more as she read the information that explained, as Naruto briefly mentioned, the different cries that babies make to show what they want and/or needed.

"According to the sound of his cry's low pitch, he's hungry."

"So he just needs baby food? The little guy just wants some milk!"

"You know, for the briefest moment, I was sure that you were going to suggest feeding the baby ramen."

"I'm not stupid!"

"Are you sure?" Tsunade mumbled, but Naruto didn't hear her. "You'll have to get formula for the baby as I doubt there is a fresh supply of breast milk just lying around," Tsunade mumbled.

"Who knows? There might be some in the fridge," Naruto said thoughtfully.

"Haha, funny," Tsunade pretended to laugh as she rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious. You haven't seen the rest of my place. Apparently a new baby wasn't the only thing I got," Naruto said, looking worried.

"What?" Tsunade asked before exiting Naruto's room and striding down the hall in the direction she assumed his living room would be. She stopped in surprise. Her mouth opened wide in astonishment.

"Yeah," Naruto muttered, silently agreeing with Tsunade's unspoken astonishment. Naruto walked by her into the fridge, and indeed, there in the fridge was a bottle clearly labeled "breast milk" along with a katon tag attached to it. It stated that upon setting off the shinobi tag the bottle would warm to the right temperature to allow for the baby's consumption. Naruto shifted the crying baby to his left arm and released the seal, the bottle warming instantly.

"Cool," Naruto said as he took the bottle and placed the baby bottle to the baby's lips. The tiny baby began sucking away at the bottle, his cries ceasing.

Tsunade only half paid attention to Naruto as she stared around the room.

The living room and kitchen were filled with stacks of baby things: bottles, diapers, formula, clothes, a stroller, crib, changing station, and other miscellaneous items including baby bathing items, a grooming kit, and-

"What the hell is a swaddle cloth?" Naruto asked as he fed the baby while nodding his head toward a cloth with a tag that labeled it in bright block letters as a swaddle cloth.

"You have a baby dropped in your place with what looks like a year's worth of baby supplies that make it clear whoever left the baby with you wants you to permanently care for this child, and you ask what a swaddle cloth is?" Tsunade asked incredulously.

"But – but if I really do have to take care of a baby, I'll have to know! And why me?"

"Have you taken a good look at him, Naruto?"

"Of course!"

"Can't you see whose baby he is?"

"Yeah! He belongs to the person who left him here."

"Naruto. You're an idiot. He's your son."

"What?" Naruto gasped, his face paling. "No, no. That's not possible. I mean," Naruto took a look at the baby he fed in his arms. "But...that can't be. It just...I mean...if the baby is mine, then that would mean-"

Naruto’s mouth gaped open, and Tsunade stared at him.

"That would mean what, Naruto?"

"That’s not possible…"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Six Months Earlier...

"You appear to be fourteen weeks along," the incredulous doctor informed Sasuke.

"No way! He's a guy! He can't be pregnant!" Karin cried out.

"Told you," Suigetsu said, smugly. "I don't understand why you're surprised. Orochimaru was known to experiment with mixing both human and animal genes together. There are animals out there that can reproduce on their own. Why is it so hard to believe that Sasuke didn't have his body even more mutated? He could grow wings and could fucking fly, but that's not so odd?" Suigetsu asked Karin.

"But – but it's Sasuke-kun!" Karin said as though that explained everything.

"So doc," Suigetsu said, grinning widely, "any theories as to how he got himself preggers?"

"Actually, with Sasuke-sama's case, his pregnancy did not come about, nor could it have come about, asexually. Another partner was needed. More specifically, another male partner was necessary."

"What?!" Karin screeched.

"Karin, shut up. I want to hear what the doctor has to say without your screeching interruptions," Sasuke growled lowly. Karin cowered slightly, but nodded as the doctor continued.

"In the case of most animals' asexual reproduction, it is through what is called 'budding.' What that means is that the new offspring is a growth from a part of the parent's body. I thought that that might be the case here, but it is not. For starters, it seems too coincidental for such a growth to occur in the stomach as it has with Sasuke-sama. Next I thought, well perhaps it is still asexual, just through the process of parthenogenesis. Parthenogenesis," the doctor quickly explained before Sasuke had the chance to ask, "is when a female's egg grows to maturity without proper fertilization. However, Sasuke-sama, under further inspection, is not really a female, and has no more eggs."

"Of course he's not a female!" Karin interjected. The doctor looked at everyone, especially Sasuke, nervously.

"We-well, yes, he has the male reproductive organs, but he is sterile. And while he has the male reproductive organs, Sasuke also has a uterus and other female reproductive organs."

"What?" Sasuke asked, looking at the man in disbelief. The doctor swallowed.

"I'm afraid to inform you, Sasuke-sama, that you are unable to produce sperm properly due to your current condition and your pregnancy, which is slowly making your body naturally produce prolactin due to the developing fetus. The prolactin is killing any small amount of sperm your condition might produce by preparing your body to produce breast milk when the time comes."

"I understand that I am pregnant, but what exactly do you mean by my ‘condition’?"

"You have Klinefelter's syndrome," the doctor explained quietly.

"What the hell does that mean?" Sasuke demanded.

"Most humans have 46 chromosomes. Chromosomes determine specific characteristics. Two of these chromosomes determine if a human will be male or female. Specifically, chromosomes number 45 and 46 determine the sex of every individual. As an egg always carries an X chromosome, each human has at least one X chromosome. The male's sperm carries two different types: either an X or a Y chromosome. Two X chromosomes make a female. An X and a Y chromosome make a male. However, in some cases, some people develop an extra chromosome. You are one of them. Instead of 46 chromosomes, you have 47, which makes your gender chromosome make-up XXY."

"What are the odds of that?" Juugo asked with a shake of his head.

"1 in 500. It's actually not that uncommon."

"That was a rhetorical question," Juugo said, but was impressed nonetheless that the doctor knew.

"Wait a second. I think I've heard of this disease before, but I don't remember ever hearing of anyone ever having a uterus before," Suigetsu interjected.

"Ah, yes. I was getting to that. Normally most males show very few outward signs of having this condition, though with Sasuke's slightly feminine appearance, it's most likely influenced by his Klinefelter's syndrome. If you have a brother, than perhaps you may have noted you look a bit more effeminate than he does?"

No one bothered to answer him, and the look from Sasuke upon mentioning a brother made the doctor shut up and move on in his explanation.

"Other than sterility, there are very few other side effects. However, it appears that Sasuke's body was manipulated in such a way to play on the fact that he had the two X chromosomes, and was able to adjust his body to naturally further develop his uterus. It appears that during his developing stages in his own mother's uterus, Sasuke's body underdeveloped the female reproductive organs. The male organs developed more prominently which is why he is a male and not a female. It appears that sometime recently, with further stimulation from an outside source, his uterus has been manipulated to partial working order. Now, this still does not explain how he got pregnant as there needs to be a means for the sperm to enter and impregnate the egg. I will need to do more testing to be able to figure out where the sperm entered, as well as to answer if he is able to develop more eggs, but I cannot do that now as it may harm the fetus."

"Yeah, but where did the other male's DNA come from?" Suigetsu asked, grinning wickedly.

"Yes, Sasuke-sama, I wondered if I could ask you about who the other-"

"Everyone else, out," Sasuke hissed. No one bothered to disobey him as they rushed for the door.

Once outside in the waiting room, Juugo put a comforting hand on Karin's shoulder. She seemed to be in shock.

"Well, at least we know a more possible explanation of why Orochimaru did what he did," Suigetsu said thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?" Juugo asked as Karin was still in too much shock to make a biting retort to counter Suigetsu's comment.

"Sasuke was sterile so they had to find another way to get him to make little Uchiha babies." At this declaration, Karin began sobbing hysterically and ran into the waiting room's bathroom. "What the hell is wrong with her?"

"Her dream to be the mother of Sasuke's children was just crushed," Juugo said with a roll of his eyes. Suigetsu snorted a laugh.

"I always knew Sasuke was self-sufficient, but I never realized just how much before."

Next Chapter: And The Father Is…

- - - - - - - - - - - -


Just as a side note: men really can produce breast milk if given the right hormone (or in the rare case that their body produces it). The only problem with that is that the hormone that allows men (and women of course) to produce breast milk, prolactin, also causes men’s sperm to become sterile. In fact, when a man produces prolactin, it’s an indicator to the doctor that he is sterile.

So, if there are any guys out there that want to become sterile and produce breast milk, just ask for a shot of a hormone booster of prolactin!

What did you think? ~ Jelp