The Price of Love

Dearest Sakura,

I tried to write the word ‘beloved’ before you name, but I simply could not. Even after sixteen years of marriage. You must believed me, when I said I tried with everything I had to love you, to the point of pushing the memories of the man I truly love into a box and buried it away with all my hopes and dreams.

Yet his very shadow haunted my every waking moments and enters into my dreaming state as well. I must have cried longingly out his name in my sleep, even when you have not mentioned it.

Try as I have, you were never more then a sister to me. A woman I cherished as my wife and my son’s mother, but nothing more. I am afraid I did very little to make you happy, trapping us both in this living hell that we had made for ourselves. Once again, all I could do, was offer a feeble sorry for my inability to think of you as my significant other.

But rested assured, my decision to die was solely based on you and our beloved Minato. I give you no happiness when I was alive, I just hope my death will keep you safe from harm, protecting you against the Yakuza that I had unwittingly entangled myself too deep in.

I refused to let my selfishness robbed you of your lives.

My secret mission had gone terribly wrong. My cover was exposed due to a mole within the agency. Shikamaru and myself was lead to believe that our closest friend in the force was in trouble, only to be lead into a trap and finally betrayed by said man. Ironic in the end, as tears formed in his eyes, he shot himself in front of our eyes, as an apology. Death to him, was the same to us. He could not let them hurt his family, but in betraying us, his heart broke, and he though of only washing away the guilt with his blood.

Truth be told , we would have forgiven him anyway, yet to die was his way of telling us sorry. Funny how men think, eh?

So betrayed and led into the trap, we were given two choices: Come peacefully to become a willing pet to one of those Yakuza monsters, or watch our families slaughtered before us for our treachery and still forced into becoming one anyway.

It was a catch 22. There was no way out for either of us, so we could only chose death.

It seems that I am forever saying sorry to you. For once again, I am sorry I could not say my last goodbye to you and my son. But I could not let them hurt either one of you. I had poured all my hopes and dreams into a fatherly love for Minato, substituting it for emotions that I could never have.

Please keep him safe from harm. That is one of my two last wishes. Please humour me the second one, I would like to be burnt and my ashes scattered with the wind across the sea. I would like to have my ashes mixed with the man I loved, like two souls finally joining.

You had me for half my living time, please give me back to him when I’m dead. Ashes to ashes.

Naruto Uzumaki