Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 3th 2006, Sunday
second version: October 7th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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35: Bonding

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”Oh, I love it here,” Iruka sighed. “It’s so peaceful. Now everything is a bit dull, but you should see it in the summer.”

He was on his back on the bed in his aunt Sachiko’s guestroom; naked, with a blanket casually thrown over his waist even though he didn’t really need it. It was too early for anyone else to be up except for himself, Kakashi and possibly Sachiko, but she knew how to give people privacy. Kakashi had just come in, closing the door behind him. He would have been naked too, but he had had to go to the bathroom and the man had some decency. Some. He stayed on the doormat and watched Iruka for a moment, then he smiled so hard his eyes closed.

“I love it here too,” he said and took the leaps necessary to get back to the bed. He crawled under the blanket and cuddled close. “Especially here.”

Iruka snorted amused and giggled as Kakashi’s hands wandered, tickled, as he moved up Iruka’s body.

“Silly,” Iruka smiled. When he could, Kakashi kissed Iruka’s nose and wrapped his arms around his neck.

“You have to appreciate it though,” Iruka continued.

“Yeah,” Kakashi said, then he chuckled. “But I’m not sure I could live like this all the time.”

“City rats,” Iruka muttered, but still smiled. “You and Sasuke-kun are so much alike.”

Kakashi smiled as well, Iruka could feel it against his ear.

“You know, I’d say you and him are alike as well.”

Iruka raised his brows in disbelief.

“Me and Sasuke-kun? You’re joking.”

“I’m not. You’re both stubborn and can be very childish when…”

“I’m not childish! Kakashi! I’m very much an adult.”

“Yes, you are,” Kakashi said, his voice in diplomatic mode. “But you are childish as well, sometimes.”

“I can’t believe this,” Iruka muttered and huffed.

“You both have habits that you don’t want to give up,” Kakashi continued. “And you are so sure you have to compromise on those habits if you’re going to live together. I don’t believe that’s true, by the way.”

Iruka sighed, his gaze fixed at the ceiling, his lover pressing kisses to his arm.

“You know I would love it if you two could get along a little better.”

“I would love that too, you know that,” Iruka said. “But it’s just… He’s just so… He doesn’t like me.”

“He doesn’t know you.”

“He doesn’t want to know me,” Iruka sighed again. “I don’t know how to reach him; I don’t know what he wants from me.”

It was quiet for a while. The kisses had stopped and Kakashi just rested his head on Iruka’s arm.

“Do you know what Sasuke really can’t stand?”

“Besides me?” Iruka joked, but Kakashi seemed serious.

“He can’t stand when people pretend to be something that they’re not. He hates facades, pretend-emotions; he absolutely despises them.”

“I’m not pretending,” Iruka protested. “I’m just...”

Kakashi waited and eventually Iruka gave up and sighed.

“I just need some time. Some more time.”

“So does Sasuke,” Kakashi smiled softly. “You don’t have to make so much of this. You don’t have to be a parent from the beginning; you can just be yourself. Start by calling him just Sasuke.”

He grabbed a hold of Iruka’s hand and kissed his fingers.

“You’ll do fine. I know you will. Just think of it as trying to get along with yourself.”

“Right,” Iruka snorted and smiled and shook his head. “Thank you. That helps.”

They lay still for a moment, cuddled close together; Iruka smiled at the ceiling and felt better.

“Sachiko-baachan is working today, right?” Kakashi said eventually.

“Yeah, why?”

“I was thinking I’d have Naruto show me one or two fishing spots you told me about yesterday¸ the ones you used to go to.”

“We’re going fishing? In November?”

“No, no, no,” Kakashi said, as if Iruka was insane. “Not we, just Naruto and I, and I’ll probably grab the little one as well. You and Sasuke will spend the day bonding. Ino can keep an eye on you.”

It sounded like a great idea; a wonderful plan to get two people to get to know each other better. They had done it themselves with Sasuke and Naruto, after all, with the sleepover. It could have been perfect, if it had been another child and not himself.

“No,” Iruka shook his head and had to smile at the absurdness. “That’s not a good idea. I know it sounds like one, but trust me, it’s not. Sasuke-kun and I can not spend the day together. Do you hear me? Scrap that plan now, you’re not going anywhere. I want you here! This is a family vacation, we should be together!”

Kakashi was leaning on an elbow, chin in his hand, watching Iruka in silence.

“Are you listening to me? I’m telling you ‘no’.”

The man frowned as if in thought. Then he smiled.

“No, I’m not listening to you,” he said cheerfully. “It’s time for morning sex.”

Before Iruka could argue, he was charged.

-

Iruka hadn’t really thought Kakashi would go through with it. Or, well… Deep down he probably had thought Kakashi would go through with it, but not consciously. He thought that since he had said ‘no’, several times, the man would listen! But before noon, the three were gone; Kakashi, Naruto and Konohamaru. Iruka had just been out for a short bit, in the forest surrounding the house; he had been looking at the trees and noticed what was different from when he was young and what hadn’t changed. When he came back, the house was silent. The sneaky devils, Naruto hadn’t even said good bye or said where he was going! It was outrageous. Even if he left with Kakashi, he should have said something. Iruka was seething. And he was worried; his stomach was hurting. He hadn’t gone to check yet, but there was no doubt in his mind that Sasuke-kun... Well, alright then... Sasuke was still around. If Kakashi had said he would go fishing with Naruto and Konohamaru to give Iruka some time alone with the boy, he wouldn’t have brought him along.

One part of Iruka was thrilled. He would love to get to know Sasuke better and maybe not feel so awkward around him anymore. They were different (Yes, they were different. Maybe some of those things Kakashi had said had been right, but they were still different!), but they could still get along. Naruto and Iruka didn’t have all things in common either and they got along. But that other part of Iruka was dead-scared. He didn’t know what it was really, that made him so nervous around Sasuke. He was fine when it was both of them, both Sasuke and Naruto, like when telling them not to fight or fool around in public, but... but just Sasuke was... He shouldn’t be nervous. He was a teacher, he had dealt with loads of different kids and teenagers; it was his job! And surely, he had met teenagers that had been mouthier than Sasuke, more aggressive, more emotional, more… more everything! Sasuke was not extreme like that, but… he was Sasuke. Maybe it was just that Iruka wanted so badly to get along with Kakashi’s... with their child, but he didn’t know how.

He didn’t want to be a bad step-parent. He didn’t want to be like the ones you read about or saw shows about on TV; the ones that were mean and demanding, that the kids hated with all their heart. He wanted Sasuke to like him; to trust him and feel comfortable around him. And at the same time he wanted desperately to be a parent and not a friend. There were just so many things he wanted to make different, because that was what he felt he was supposed to do.

Iruka knew that he and Kakashi were very different parents. Iruka was more orderly and Kakashi was more chaotic. But instead of that difference being something that annoyed them, they both saw it as a good thing. They created a balance together and agreed that that balance was good for the children. Iruka didn’t like the ‘good’ parent/‘bad’ parent way of describing it, that Kakashi had used that time, but they were different.

The desperation Iruka felt toward Sasuke probably had a lot to do with him wanting to balance things for the boy, be that counterweight that Sasuke needed. Iruka would never say that Kakashi was a bad father; he was not. His love for that child had no end to it, really. But Iruka thought that maybe it would be good for Sasuke if some things were done differently. And Kakashi agreed; that was what the whole balance thing was about, after all.

There was the smoking for example. Kakashi had said he had first accepted the smoking because it had been a way for Sasuke to calm himself down, and many of his friends smoked as well. Then, as time had passed, he had just sort of forgotten about it. He had forgotten why he let Sasuke smoke, it had just become a part of life, even if Kakashi didn’t particularly like it. ‘My kid is smoking’.

Kakashi also wanted Sasuke to have his freedom. He wanted to trust him. That was one of the reasons he had let Sasuke do what he had done in the city. He had also been lenient because he felt it came with the age. ‘He’s a teenager,’ Kakashi had said. ‘He’ll do it no matter what I say because that’s what teenagers do. They do stupid things.’ Iruka had said that teenagers didn’t have to do stupid things and that he would have loved to have someone that stopped him when he was that age; but Kakashi had said that he wanted to trust Sasuke and he wanted Sasuke to know that he was trusted.

Iruka had to admit that Kakashi had stopped things when they got out of control. That night when Sasuke had come home drugged, that had been crossing the line and Kakashi had put the child’s safety before his freedom. Iruka would have never let it go that far, but that was Iruka and they were different; and he hadn’t been there to do anything at that time.

Iruka supposed that was one of the reasons it was difficult for him to leave the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke alone. There was a big difference between that and being out drinking every weekend, of course; but Iruka still felt it was a bad idea and this was the first time he had a chance to make a difference from the start. It was the perfect thing as well, because it wasn’t just about Sasuke, it involved Naruto as well.

The first time he had suspected the thing, he had dismissed it as his own paranoia. He had read too much into that phone call because he was so determined for this to be good and so worried for things to turn bad. Gaara had just been teasing, he had told himself; they were just getting along.

When Kakashi had told him that there really was something there, Iruka had been so… He had felt incredibly stupid, and angry. He had been angry at himself for not seeing what was going on and for not letting Naruto know about Kakashi. He had been angry at the kids for not seeing what a bad thing this was to do; even though he knew they hadn’t known about him and Kakashi. He had been angry at Kakashi for knowing about this and not telling him and for not talking to the kids when he first figured it out; for not seeing that it was a bad idea that future step-brothers started dating. Maybe things could have been different now if someone had done something earlier. Iruka had been disappointed as well, because he wanted Naruto to have a brother; he had always felt bad about him being an only child.

At first, Iruka had very much wanted the boys to break up, as quickly as possible before things got worse. He still wondered if maybe that would be the best thing to do, another reason why leaving the relationship alone was difficult.

But at the same time, Iruka saw the good things. He saw those things that Kakashi probably had seen weeks, months, ago. The relationship had done something with Sasuke. He seemed happier now. Naruto seemed happier too, but he had been cheerful and happy before Sasuke. He had had his share of trouble in the past, definitely; there had been his time at the orphanage and there had been Sadako, but... right before Sasuke, Naruto had been happy. Sasuke was different. Iruka was sure, and Kakashi reluctantly half-agreed, that before Sasuke left the city he had been on a path that could have lead him to an early death. Kakashi claimed that things had been much worse when Sasuke was younger, but Iruka had said that there was a difference between better and good.

It could have been just the change of surroundings that had made a difference for Sasuke. He could have been just as happy even if Naruto was only his friend or his future step-brother, but... You never knew. Last night, hearing the laughter from behind that door, tears had been running from Iruka’s eyes and there wasn’t a thing he could have done to stop them. It had been such a happy and relieved laughter. Iruka had never thought he would hear Sasuke laugh like that. He had seen the boy smile smugly, smile half-amused and smile without really smiling at all, but laughter…? Laughter like that…? He had hated that he had to quiet them down.

Iruka was sitting at the table in Sachiko’s kitchen. He had ended up there because he reasoned it wasn’t necessary to go check on Sasuke right away. If the boy had left with Kakashi, hard to believe but still possible, it wouldn’t matter when Iruka went to find him gone; and if he hadn’t left with Kakashi he probably didn’t want Iruka checking up on him anyway, so it could wait. He had made himself some tea and was chewing on a soft (because it was old) cookie from a jar he’d found in one of the cabinets. He wondered if Kakashi would be angry if the bonding day was spent without any bonding.

Iruka had no idea what Naruto and Sasuke had done so far. He wanted to think and desperately hoped that they hadn’t taken things too far, but he didn’t know. It felt very strange thinking about his child considering sex, but at the same time he knew all too well how teenage hormones worked. He hadn’t been a very innocent fifteen year old himself; far from it. But Naruto? He didn’t feel very nice thinking it, but it seemed very likely to him that Sasuke was… well… experienced. Iruka had heard enough about his city life from Kakashi that the assumption was very easy to make. Sasuke must have had boyfriends before, and people were so much more... maybe ‘easy’ was a bad word, but… they were exposed to things earlier and therefore tried things earlier. But… But Naruto? While part of Iruka felt he really should give the boy another Talk soon, the rest of him desperately wanted to believe that fifteen was too early anyway.

Iruka snorted and grabbed another cookie. He was probably completely overreacting with his no sex warnings.

“I’m back!” Ino yelled from the door and soon came inside, smiling. “Oh! Hello, Iruka-san!”

She sat down at the table and the soft smell of horses and stables, tickled Iruka’s nose. She frowned at the cookie jar.

“Those are so not healthy,” she said. “I can’t believe you would eat them. Do you know what mom puts in those?”

Iruka shook his head, had too much cookie in his mouth to say anything. Ino giggled.

“I won’t tell,” she promised, then glanced around. “Where is everyone? Where is Sasuke-kun?”

“Um,” Iruka hummed as he chewed, then swallowed. “They’re out fishing. We got dumped.”

“Aww,” Ino looked heartbroken.

“Sasuke-kun is still around though.”

And then she looked all fixed again; the girl lit up like the sun.

“Lucky! Where is he?”

“I… I’m not sure. I think he’s in Konohamaru’s room.”

“Will they be gone all day?”

“I think so. How was the ride?”

“Oh, just great. We went for some jumps in the woods. Ursa’s gotten much better. Mom says he still needs some more time before I can really start working him, but I think she’s just overreacting. He’s recovered; all he needs is to build up his muscles again.”

The horse had had a nasty accident last year, had fallen after a stumble and hurt his leg so badly that Sachiko had worried they would have to put him down; but it had turned out alright.

“You should be patient with him, Ino. If you start working him too hard too early he might get hurt again.”

Ino sighed.

“You sound just like mom,” she said. “It’s nothing to worry about, he’s fine!”

Iruka wasn’t convinced but left it at that. Ino told him how she had also taken the young Devil for a walk and that he had behaved perfectly. The owner of the stables and Devil had let Ino take care of much of the horse’s training since he was a colt and according to Sachiko, she had done great.

When he was younger, Iruka had spent many summers at Sachiko’s house, but back then the house had belonged to her mother, Iruka’s grandmother. He’d been riding back then too, he and Sachiko. Even though she was his aunt she was only a few years older than him and she had been like the older sister he never had.

“Ino, do you think they would mind if I borrowed Midori for a couple of hours?”

“Hm? Midori? No, I don’t think they would mind. Why?”

“I… I’m thinking the three of us could go there,” Iruka said, before he was even sure of what he was saying. He chuckled. “It’s been a long time since I’ve riding, and I doubt Sasuke-kun has ever even been on a horse. It would be fun.”

At first Ino looked like she couldn’t believe a word he was saying. Then she suddenly burst out laughing.

“You want to put Sasuke-kun on a horse?”

Iruka couldn’t quite picture it either, but for some reason it felt like the perfect idea. It was something that Iruka knew well and Sasuke knew nothing about. Iruka would be showing Sasuke a part of him that he didn’t know and they would do something together. Yes, Iruka was still worried and he still had no idea of what to say to Sasuke or if the boy would even come along, but really, if Kakashi was so desperate about them bonding, Iruka could at least try and do his best. Or maybe the cookies were just getting to his head.

-

“Is it… supposed to smell this much?”

Sasuke seemed a bit paler than usual and he held a hand over his nose and mouth.

“You can wait outside if you want, Sasuke-kun!” Ino said cheerfully. “We’re just getting the ropes.”

“Alright.”

So, the boy had come along; Iruka wasn’t sure if it was fair to ask for anything more. Sasuke had been surprised at first, because apparently he hadn’t known that Kakashi and Naruto was gone, then he had been very skeptical when Iruka shared his idea of spending a few hours at the stables together with Ino. ‘Have you completely lost your mind?’ it looked like he was thinking. But after a moment of frowning in disbelief he had rolled his eyes, sighed, shrugged and said ‘whatever.’

Sasuke stood frowning by the wall when Iruka came out from the darkness in the stable. The sun had finally decided to peek out from behind the ceiling of clouds and was in his face, in his eyes. He looked different in this setting, Sasuke; looked different in the dirty and oversized jacket and boots they had borrowed for him from Sachiko-baachan. He looked less intimidating in washed out brown and moss green.

“Do you want to come down with us and get the horses?” Iruka asked. “You could wait here if you want.”

Sasuke closed his eyes, sniffled and rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. Then he turned to Iruka and he looked slightly bored, slightly tired, slightly frustrated, slightly… Even though he had been dragged out to the stables and put into boots too big for him, there was something calm over Sasuke; he seemed less tense. There was something in his eyes that was not just anger toward the world, the people around him or life itself. Something that made it seem like something wasn’t such a burden anymore.

“I’m coming,” Sasuke said and sighed. And Iruka smiled.

“Alright.”

Iruka realized he had forgotten about the worry and the frustration somewhere between the house and the stables, and now that he thought about it, it wasn’t as bad as he had remembered. Maybe Iruka was just overreacting, with everything; with worrying and being scared of this child. Really, behind it all Sasuke was just a child. Maybe they just needed to spend some more time together and give it some time.

Ino came through the door and threw an arm around Sasuke’s neck.

“Of course, he’s coming!” she said, cheerful and smiling as well. “They’re big, but you know they’re harmless.”

Sasuke let himself be dragged down the slope toward the gate to the pasture. Ino shouted at the horses, for them to hurry up and come over already.

Maybe Iruka just hadn’t taken the time to get to know Sasuke. Maybe it was as simple as that. He closed his eyes and smiled, and it was a smile of relief and happiness, because the world was a nice place today. Then he followed the children toward the horses.

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