What the New Year Brings

Chapter 39-The First Time Sakura Sees the Moon and the Sun Up in the Sky Together

A light, cool breeze gently blows against our sweaty faces and sticky, overheated bodies, refreshing us and giving us some much needed relief, while above our heads the moon looms a pale ghostly white, a stark contrast to the sun searing hot red-orange in the west, the direction in which we're headed.

It's an oddity...to have the moon and the sun up in the sky simultaneously, but it's a common oddity if that makes any sense.

"Sakura, are you alright?" Kakashi asks softly behind me.

"I'm fine." I look over my shoulder and smile at him.

Like most of the people in the convoy we're letting pass us by so that we can guard the rear, Kakashi and I are double riding a camel, Kakashi sitting behind the camel's hump and me sitting in front of it. This is mostly due to the fact that Madam Shijimi and Hiraku brought too many belongings with them, and rather than carrying people, about a quarter of the camels are carrying packs instead. Hiraku is understandable...she thought she'd be living in Suna. Madam Shijimi, however, simply doesn't understand the virtues of moderation.

Kakashi reaches his hand out and gently lifts my chin up with his fingertips.

"But that's what gives you away," Kakashi says, "Your smile...It doesn't reach your eyes. Every emotion you feel can be read on your face, Sakura, that's why you're not good at telling even half truths. If you insist on hiding your feelings, maybe you should consider wearing a mask yourself."

"Just because you wear a mask doesn't mean people can't read your feelings, Kakashi. I can tell what your feeling just by looking at your eye. See? Right now I can tell that you're surprised I can even do that just by the way your eye widened and your eyebrow arched up."

Kakashi's eye widens even more and his eyebrow raises up even higher. Then, his eye slowly crinkles as he smiles beneath his mask.

"You know me too well, Sakura," he laughs while rubbing the back of his neck.

"Being around someone for ten years will do that to you." I smile at him again, then turn around to watch the seemingly unending line of camels stretched out before me, their bodies casting long, slanted shadows across the wide expanse of flat desert sand. The magnitude of our convoy is truly a sight to behold and there's little doubt in my mind that if some stranger happened upon us, a nomad perhaps, that he, too, would be awestruck by the scene. And with nothing but infinite sky and sand surrounding us, I can't help but sense how big the world truly is. In Konoha, it's difficult to feel that, surrounded by the dense foliage of the trees and the village's high protective walls. It's so self contained that it's easy to believe that the little world within is all that exists.

But somehow, the empty feeling this setting evokes suits the mood I'm in perfectly.

"Sakura...You're avoiding the question. What's wrong?" Kakashi gently persists.

I focus my eyes on the slow gait of a camel's legs off in the distance, but my eyes blur and I end up seeing only abstract shapes and movement.

"I thought I was finished mourning for her. It's been 7 years and I was with her for only one mission, but now that we're almost at Suna, I hurt for her as much as I did the day that she died. I don't know why I have such a strong connection to her...I barely even knew her." I say, turning around to look him in the eye, which first widens in surprise at the train of thought my mind has apparently taken due to our current surroundings, then softens in understanding. It gives me some relief to know that without even having to say her name, Kakashi knows exactly who I'm talking about. In a sense it's evidence to how well he knows me as well.

"There will always be people who leave an impression even long after they've gone, and it's not about how long or how well you know a person, Sakura, it's about how your time spent with them changes you. You could be with someone for only a minute and that person can impact your life as much as a friend you've known since childhood."

"That doesn't seem possible, Kakashi."

"You think so? In one minute, someone you know nothing about could prevent an enemy from killing you. I'd say that person changed your life just by saving it, wouldn't you say?"

My own eyes widen, taken aback both by the truth and the nonchalance of his words, then I smile and shake my head at him.

"You always were a smooth talker." I admit begrudgingly.

"Not always, but I do have my moments." Kakashi says with a happy eye crease and an innocent shrug of his shoulders.

I laugh and lean back on him at the same time he hunches himself forward so that the top of his shoulder pillows the back of my head. Then, he places his hands on either side of my hips and kisses me on my temple before resting his chin on my shoulder.

"I admired - admire her," I confess, "Because as old and frail looking as she was, she was still a force to be reckoned with."

"You two are a lot alike. You're both proof that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Unfortunately for Sasori, he had to learn that lesson the hard way."

"Yes. In fact, we're so much alike that it scares me."

"What makes you say that?"

"Chiyo-sama fought so hard to save the one she loved and ended up fighting and killing him instead. I'm afraid of having the same fate as her. I'm afraid that Sasuke will also be a lost cause and I'll end up killing him the way Chiyo-sama ended up killing her grandson."

"Sakura, her fate won't necessarily be your own. If you're afraid of having the same fate as her, then learn from her mistakes and alter your decisions so that you don't go down the same path as her."

"That's an easy enough thing to say, Kakashi, but not necessarily an easy thing to do."

"You won't know unless you try, Sakura. You seem to have forgotten that you're not the only one who's lost someone they love and live in fear of having the same fate as them."

Is he referring to losing Obito or Asuma? I wonder to myself.

"I was afraid of turning into my father once. The irony is that when I was growing up, I adored him. No, I hero-worshipped him. He was feared, revered, and respected by everyone who was fortunate enough to know him and I wanted to be just like him, but then-"

"But then somehow he was disgraced for putting the ones he loved first." I finish for him, now remembering our conversation back at the memorial on New Year's Day.

"Yes, exactly. He put the lives of his team before their mission and as a result, he ended up botching the mission altogether. He was hated by everyone after that and I came to hate him, too. I couldn't distance myself enough from him. That's why I started to wear a mask: So that people would stop saying I looked like him, and that's why I started to do everything by the book: Because he hadn't."

"Were you really that afraid of being disgraced like him that you went so far as disowning your own father?"

"No, Sakura, that wasn't the fate I was, and still am, afraid of following. My father was so overwhelmed by people's hate and resentment, even from his own son, that he ended up killing himself. That's the fate I'm afraid of."

"Kakashi, I'm so sorry! When you told me that your father died for putting the ones he loved first, I thought you meant he sacrificed himself in battle the way Asuma-sensei had. I didn't think he died from his own hand!"

"Yes, my father had no honor left, so his last grasp at it was to relieve everyone of his tainted existence, but the thing is that when he killed himself, he was thought of as even less honorable because his suicide made his character appear weak, cowardly, and selfish. And more than ever I wanted to be as little like him as possible."

"But...you're not ashamed of him anymore, right? I mean, you called him 'a great man' at the memorial so you can't be."

"No, I'm not, because of Obito. He believed in my father for reasons I couldn't understand, but through his own death, Obito made those reasons crystal clear. What he did to protect our team was the bravest, most unselfish thing a human being could do, and it finally made me understand why he had championed my father the way he had and why I should have, too. As for my father's suicide, I've learned to pity him rather than hate him for it. He had all the world against him and it took its toll. Not even his teammates, the very people he saved, agreed to his actions. If only someone had believed in him and told him that what he did was honorable, if I had told him..." Kakashi shakes his head in deep regret. "The point is, Sakura, we can't let the deaths of the ones we loved and lost go in vain. We need to learn from their mistakes and try not to make the same ones."

"But how can I change my path so that it doesn't become like Chiyo-sama's, Kakashi? She told me not to risk my life for someone old like her, that I should save that which is important to me, but what's important to me is to get Sasuke back. In saying that, she dooms me to the same fate as her because Chiyo's mistake was in caring too much about her grandson. In the same way, I care too much about Sasuke. So what am I supposed to do? Stop caring about Sasuke? I can't do that, Kakashi!"

"I'm not asking you to stop caring about him, Sakura. I'm asking you to stop blaming yourself for not being able to control his actions. It's easy to blame ourselves for so many things that go wrong in this world, but sometimes we just have to accept the fact that not everything is within our control. People especially are not something you can control, so stop blaming yourself for all the things he did or didn't do. If you can do that much, it's a start in veering away from Chiyo's downfall."

"And what about you? You've apparently given up trying to live your life differently from the way your father did. You don't even live by the rules anymore. Aren't you afraid of having the same fate as him now?"

"That's another thing I learned, Sakura: We aren't our parents, and you're not Chiyo. The mere fact that we're independent from them gives us a better chance of changing our own fates."

"Kakashi, just because you're not your father and I'm not Chiyo-sama doesn't mean we won't make the same mistakes as them. If anything, our similarities to them only predisposes us to their same fate. Tell me this: Given the choice to save Sasuke, your old teammate, or accomplish your mission, to protect Konoha, what would your choice be?"

"Sakura, that's an impossible question to answer! I have no idea what the particulars in that situation would be, and it's those details that would influence my decision!"

"Fine. Then can you honestly tell me that if, like your father, you ended up choosing to save Sasuke instead, that you'd have no regrets whatsoever about your decision even if all of Konoha hated you later for it? That you have enough confidence in what you learned from your father's fate that you truly believe you can prevent it from becoming your own?"

"You're right, Sakura...I can't. I can't say with absolute certainty that I know better, that there's no way I'd end up doing what my father did because I can't tell the future. The most I can do is live my life day by day and hope that each decision I make is the correct one so that I don't have the same end as him. That's all you can really do: Take life one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. But you also have to remember, Sakura, that history doesn't have to repeat itself. Even Chiyo had faith in change and progress in the world, that's why she gave up her own life to bring Gaara back: So that the next generation can ensure those changes and progressions in the future. And that's what gives me the faith to believe that you and I can change our own fates, because even though we can't control other people and the destinies that they decide for themselves, we do have it within ourselves to change our own."

"For our sakes, Kakashi, I truly hope you're right."

"You have to have faith, Sakura. If there's one thing you shouldn't be afraid of inheriting from Chiyo, it's that."

I say nothing and snuggle deeper into Kakashi's embrace. He's given me a lot to think about and it's a bit overwhelming.

"I'd like to visit her tombstone when we get there." I say quietly.

"Of course." Kakashi says, holding me closer against him.

We watch in silence as the convoy still continues to pass us by, and a smile slowly spreads across my face when I realize that Hiraku and Shinri are the only other doubled up camel riders snuggled up against each other the way Kakashi and I are.

I let out a soft laugh.

"What?" Kakashi drawls, the smile on his face evident by the lilt in his voice.

"I was just remembering how Chiyo-sama tried to attack you the first time she saw you, and I was just wondering what she would think about us now if she saw us together like this. I mean, she loooved me, but she hated you!" I laugh, beaming up at him.

Kakashi's eye widens and a drop of sweat rolls down his temple.

"She didn't hate me, Sakura, she hated my father. She just mistook me for him."

"I don't get that, by the way. How could she mistake you for him when you were wearing that mask of yours? Didn't you say you started wearing a mask so that you wouldn't look like your father anymore?"

"Yes, but it doesn't change the fact that we still have the same build, hair, and eyes. If I took this mask off, I could probably pass as his double."

"Then why bother with the mask? People apparently still mistake you for him with or without it, and it's not like you're still ashamed of him anyway!"

"Wearing a mask has its own conveniences." Kakashi says with an off-handed shrug of his shoulders.

"Like what?" I ask skeptically.

"Well, when enemies are looking for me, they're looking for a masked man, but the instant I take my mask off, I can easily blend in with the rest of the crowd."

"That's ironic. The theory is that you wear a mask because you're so good looking that you would actually stand out in a crowd."

"Really?" Kakashi asks, a bit of haughtiness seeping into his voice. "Well, now that you've seen me maskless, which do you think it is?"

"Honestly, I think you bring more attention to yourself with the mask on than without it, so I would have to go with the first one."

Kakashi visibly slumps in his seat more than he already is.

"But..." I amend, "You definitely have a face that can catch people's eyes even in a sea of other faces. Even when you're not frowning, you still have a determined, distinguished look about your face that screams 'Alpha Male,' but there's also something boyish about your features that makes you look kind and and easy to get along with. Some people have such a sour, mean look on their face that it instantly makes you want to stay away from them, but not your face. Your face draws people in. So I guess the reason you still wear the mask would be a little bit of both reasons."

"Nice save, Sakura." Kakashi says flatly.

"Well, you know, I try." I say, shrugging my shoulders.

"But...you still haven't guessed the third, fourth, and fifth reasons why." Kakashi says slyly.

"There are more?!" I ask astonished.

"Of course. Things rarely happen for one or two reasons alone, Sakura."

"Alright then, what are the other reasons might I ask?"

"Well, the third reason is that I rarely, if ever, get sick because I'm protected from most airborne diseases."

"I have to admit, that is a good one." I nod my head in agreement. "Maybe I should start wearing a mask after all, especially since I work at the hospital and get exposed to all kinds of illnesses."

"Couldn't hurt." Kakashi says with a shrug of his shoulders. "The fourth reason is because it's become a sort of security blanket...an extension of myself. I guess you could say that it's the same reason some women won't leave home without lipstick...I just feel naked without it."

"I figured as much." I smile at him. "And the fifth?"

"The fifth reason is based on a stupid superstition, and even though I know it's a stupid superstition, I still can't completely shake it."

"What superstition?"

"The one where anyone who gets close to me ends up dying."

"Oh. Well, Kakashi, I don't blame you for thinking something like that considering all the people you've lost, but it isn't just you, it's all of us. It's the life we've chosen to lead. Pick any one person in our village, and they've lost many people as well like...Konohamaru. Before he even reached Genin, he lost his grandfather. Before he even reached Chuunin, he lost his uncle. And what about Naruto? He lost both his mom and his dad, and Jiraiya, and Asuma, and before Chiyo-sama used the life-transfer jutsu, he lost Gaara for a time as well. And what about Sasuke? He lost his entire clan! Kakashi, you are not cursed, so don't feel like you have to hide behind barriers to protect the people around you from yourself."

"I know, Sakura, that's why it's the last, and the least reason why I still continue to wear a mask, and why I made the first move on you on New Year's, and why I continue to let you into my life. I have many reasons to keep wearing my mask, but not around you, not anymore."

I turn to look at Kakashi and his ironically masked face.

"Well, at least when we're not out in public." Kakashi says sheepishly.

"What? What are you thinking?" Kakashi asks when I just continue to look at him incredulously.

"The sun..." I say quietly, nodding my head in the direction it once had been, "It's finally gone."

"Well, what do you know? It is." Kakashi says, turning his head to look in the direction I'm looking.

"It's a shame," I say, "I was enjoying seeing the moon and the sun up at the same time."

"But that's what makes it so special: The fact that it is a rare occurrence to see them together up in the sky like that, but for one to truly get its chance to shine, Sakura, the other one inevitably has to die."

"I know," I say sadly, "But it still hurts to see the other one have to go."

"I see..." Kakashi says, and I can sense him looking at me intently now. "She isn't truly gone, Sakura," he says softly. "As long as you carry the life and vitality she had in your heart, then she'll remain alive...through you."

I nod and wipe hesitantly at my cheeks. "And your father?" I ask.

"There's a reason why I stressed the importance of teamwork to you three." Kakashi smiles at me then gives me a quick kiss on the temple yet again, but he doesn't rest his chin back on my shoulder like last time. Instead, his face is now only a few inches from mine, as if he's positioning himself for another kiss...one that isn't so innocent.

I feel my heart suddenly pound quickly in my chest.

"What's wrong, Sakura? You look flushed." Kakashi murmurs, his eye half-hooded and hazy as he slowly inches forward.

Besides the fact that being this close to you makes me suffer from heart palpitations?

"And to think," I say, shaking my head in disbelief, "All Naruto and I had to do to find out what you looked like beneath your mask was to research Konoha's records for your dad!"

Kakashi laughs, lifts my chin up with his fingertips, and finally lets his lips softly touch mine.

We slowly part, smile at each other with half-hooded eyes, and look up in time to see the last camel of the convoy we're guarding finally pass us by. With a click of his tongue and a light kick of his heels against our own camel's sides, Kakashi pulls the reins and soon we, too, are moving again.

To be continued...

~*~*~*~

- Info: Yes, the moon and sun can be seen up in the sky at the same time:

answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080417013737AA0nYV0

- Photo: Double riding a camel:

lcc.com.au/greg/maxgoesnorth/IMG_0988.JPG

- The part about Chiyo's faith was inspired by Chapter 421, pages 9 and 10 in the manga.