Throw it all away

Sasuke watched as Naruto sighed heavily. He lay the scroll down and rubbed at his brow. “It looks like we can’t help it,” he said.

The clients looked hopeful, still on their knees – where they’d dropped to beg the Rokudaime for aide.

“Neji.”

The only response was a visible tightening of the brunette’s shoulders.

“You know what to do.”

Neji paused a moment, before slipping into a curt bow. “Yes, Hokage-sama.”

Sasuke felt the clear gray eyes on him, and turned to look, finding himself suddenly swept up in a tumultuous gaze. However, before he could read into it – or even reciprocate – Neji was gone.

The sigh that followed, uttered by the Rokudaime himself, was rather full of abandonment.


Once the formalities were concluded, and the clients escorted out, Sasuke obeyed Naruto’s order to lock the door. No sooner had the soft ‘click’ sounded, then from behind him came a sob. In shock, Sasuke whipped around.

Naruto was bowed over, one arm tight against his abdomen, the other supporting his weight, which pressed carelessly against the desk. Sasuke was by his side before he’d even registered moving. Before he’d even finished seeing.

“Naruto,” he coaxed, grabbing the blonde. One hand held him by the elbow, while the other reached out to pry his hand away from the wood. Sasuke noticed then, that it had buckled. Sharp, jagged marks were etched across the surface.

Naruto dropped into his chair with Sasuke’s aide and practically propelled himself back into it. Sasuke had to wedge a foot behind one leg so the chair wouldn’t tip over.

Dropping down, he caught Naruto high on both arms and looked into his eyes.

It was a long, solid moment. Naruto’s chest heaving, Sasuke’s heart ready to burst.

And then Naruto’s hands came down upon the other’s forearms.

“I…I’m fine…”

Sasuke didn’t believe him.

“Would you like me to get someone?” he asked. He didn’t know who he’d get. Honestly, he didn’t know how the village operated anymore. But, hell, he’d find someone!

Naruto shook his head and took a careful inhale, exhaling slowly.

Sasuke remained where he’d dropped, trying to figure out what was wrong. It couldn’t be the Kyuubi, could it? It could. Sasuke didn’t know the nature of their relationship. He knew basic facts, of course. Who, what, why, how and when. But more complicated things? How much, how often, how deeply? He didn’t have the slightest clue.

He could feel Naruto shaking slightly and did something that felt natural, but for him, was anything but. He got up and pulled the blonde into his embrace, arms closing about his form tightly. Naruto froze; body tensing with an edge that made Sasuke’s heart ache. Didn’t he trust him?

And then, he relaxed. His arms wrapped about Sasuke’s waist, hands clutching his shirt tightly against his back. Curled fists against his shoulder blades. A grip that would wrinkle, that could tear.

Sasuke held him tighter.

Naruto’s head dropped, forehead resting inches above where his heart lay. In a strange corner of his mind, Sasuke wondered whether Naruto could hear it, feel it…read it.

He stroked the blonde’s back. Long, sweeping strokes, from his neck, down the entire length of his back and upward again. After a few of these, Naruto sighed, and Sasuke’s other hand drifted into his hair. It was softer than he’d imagined. The cut, the color, the complete lack of any formal styling…Sasuke had often thought it would be sharp, crisp. But it was soft, like the down from a graceful bird. Pliant and feathery.

Naruto pulled away and sniffed, drawing his forefinger across his nose. There were no tears on his face, or pooled in his eyes. But those deep, blue orbs reflected a lifetime’s worth of pain. Maybe two.

Sasuke found himself being drawn in.

He hadn’t realized he’d cupped Naruto’s strong jaw in one gentle palm. Hadn’t realized he’d started moving, until Naruto drew away completely. The sudden lack of warmth shocked him back to his senses.

He was about to apologize, when the blonde began to speak.

“When you left…the next morning, we went after you.”

Sasuke’s hands dropped to his sides. “I know.” He felt like hanging his head, but his stubborn pride refused.

“We were too far behind. A couple of hours.” He moved to his chair, and seemed to debate whether or not to sit. “There were five of us. Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba, Neji, and myself…I promised Sakura we’d bring you back. We left her at the gate with Lee.”


He turned instead, and leaned into his desk, not looking at his former teammate. “He wanted to come, but…” He made a vague gesture with his hand. “I was so eager to find you…They had to keep telling me to act like a shinobi. Instead of jumping in and wasting all my energy. They forced me to hold back as much as they possibly could…Work as a team.”

He looked aimlessly out the window.

“We had a plan. It was Shikamaru’s…so we knew it was a good one. Even Neji didn’t complain over the arrangement…Underneath it all…I think we were all happy to be on such an important mission.

Missions were games to us then.”

He looked down at his hands, fingers twining in his robe.

“We were kids. We didn’t know better.”

Sasuke wanted to intervene. Explain himself. Anything. He found, he couldn’t.

“Even after all that planning…You pitch as many kids as you want at a fully experienced adult – let alone a functional group - and you’ve not made much progress. Plan, or no plan.

There were four of them at first. And five of us. We were cocky. Hell, we had two proven geniuses on our side. They were overconfident.”

He crossed one ankle over the other, arms out behind him now, to hold himself at an angle.

“We had to work fast…So, we did the one thing Kakashi always told us not to do…We abandoned our teammates.”

Sasuke felt the surprised inhale draw in his chest.

“First Chouji. Then Neji. Kiba and Akamaru, Shikamaru…We promised we’d catch up with one another later. When I was finally alone, Lee showed up to help. I abandoned him too…All I could focus on was you.

I wanted you back. I wanted you safe. I wanted to kill you, and scream at you, and…I wanted to know why…”

Naruto looked up, and Sasuke felt a tremble shock his spine. He couldn’t move. The gaze that held his was fierce. Angry, and heartbroken, and confused…So many emotions, that Sasuke felt them crash against him, wear him down. His throat tightened, his chest tightened. He couldn’t find the will to inhale, or exhale. Nor to blink, or even open his mouth in a hopeless effort to…to…what?

What could he do?

“You won,” Naruto sighed, gaze dropping.

Sasuke choked, and didn’t try to hide it. Coughing into his fist in an effort to get his lungs working again.

“In the end…you won. We all ended up in the hospital…and you…you walked away from me.”

“I-”

Naruto held up his hand, and Sasuke was surprised by how quickly his mouth snapped shut. His reply dying in his throat.

“Neji and Chouji almost died. Lee and Kiba were in the hospital for a week. Akamaru was lame for a while…I couldn’t forgive myself.” His hand curled into a fist. “For letting you get away. For letting them get hurt. For breaking my promise…and Sakura’s heart.

I swore then that I’d never make a reckless decision like that again. That I’d never, ever leave a comrade behind again. That I’d die before I’d let someone hurt again…the way you made everyone hurt.”

Blood slipped across his skin, dripping off his knuckles.

“I did a lot of growing up in the years that followed. We all did. I may not be the person I thought I would be, but at least I’m not ashamed of who I’ve become. I’ve kept my promises. Every last one. Bringing you back…fulfilled my last promise. And the first I’ve ever had to break and reassemble in order to keep.

I had to redefine everything. I had to see and hear and…do things…no one should have to. All to get you back. And now…I can’t bear to send even strangers on missions that mean almost certain death. Because, I’ve promised to protect everyone.

Do you understand?”

Sasuke nodded mutely.

“And now, you’re here. I’ve sent my closest, dearest friends on a mission that they might not come back from. And you’re here.”

He looked up again, and Sasuke met his gaze.

“So, where does that leave us, Sasuke?”

Sasuke didn’t have an answer for him. He didn’t have an answer that could change the situation they were in, or all the pain they’d each had to endure. He didn’t have an answer for this…thing that lingered between them.

Not one.

“He’ll come back,” he said, confidently.

Naruto gazed deeply into his eyes, perhaps looking for the lie.

“You don’t know that,” he replied.

“Of course I do,” Sasuke said.

Naruto cocked his head, one brow arching softly.

Sasuke smiled.

“He won’t die,” Sasuke continued, voice steady. “If he does, I win by default.” He stepped closer, pulling an unresisting Naruto against him. “And Hyuuga Neji never loses by default.”

Naruto sighed and lay his head against Sasuke’s chest.

“Before that night…” he said softly. “You never did, either.”