Broken

------ Ch. 3 ------

Kakashi settled on the bed beside Iruka, carefully took his hand, and began the same full body massage he'd done the previous night. Iruka said nothing, simply watched the copy-nin, smiling softly.

Honestly, he wasn't quite sure why, but he again started talking to the chunin about a mission. This time it was the first mission he'd been on with his genin team.

It should have bothered him that he opened up to Iruka. He never really talked to anyone, not even those he should have considered close friends. He'd never so much as mentioned Obito or Rin to anyone who didn't already know who they were. Even then, it was reluctantly and usually because he hadn't been given a choice.

Oddly enough, Ibiki knew. It was part of the annual ANBU evaluations to discuss past events that had caused breaks. But, he hadn't been inclined to tell the man more than facts, where as he found himself telling Iruka about how it had grated on his nerves to watch Rin ignore their friend's attentions. He even let it slip that, that had to do with the fact he'd had the slightest crush on the boy. Iruka had laughed softly, and then blushed and apologized for laughing at him.

This time when he finished giving Iruka a massage, the chunin wasn't asleep. And, well, since he hadn't really finished the story he was telling, he didn't protest when said chunin shifted around and put his head in Kakashi lap. Instead, he combed his fingers through the mop of soft brown hair and continued telling his story.

-------

Kakashi stretched and then rubbed at his eyes. After a moment, he registered Iruka's chakra as being in the kitchen and made his way there, still a tad groggy.

He wasn't even through the kitchen door when Iruka shoved a plate in his hands. "I made breakfast." The chunin shoved on his shoulder, forcing him towards the table. "Sit, I'll make the tea."

So, he sat, and he watched Iruka make tea while he poked idly at his breakfast. "Are you okay, Iruka?"

Iruka stopped pouring the tea for a moment. "I'm going to go back to Konoha. I think I should..." Then he finished pouring the tea and brought it over. "I've decided. I don't have to see them. Problem solved."

Kakashi set his chopsticks down and fixed Iruka with a look. "You're just going to hold up in your house again and avoid everyone?"

"No. Just them." Iruka was giving him an odd sort of smile, one that seemed out of place on the man's lips.

"Naruto thinks you hate him, and Ibiki looks like he's about to fall apart himself." He'd intended to avoid them as a topic after the pain it had caused the night before.

"Maybe I do." His voice was cold, but the way he averted his gaze told Kakashi that he was lying.

"I suppose I can see why you might. Naruto, a high strung /teenager/ over-reacted when the person he cares about most in the world was being hurt. He let his hormones and emotions get the best of him." He frowned. "Then, there's Ibiki who was, yes, an idiot and let the kid find out because he was obviously too much of a coward to go to the hokage and tell her that his lover was engaging in self-destructive behavior. Instead, the callous bastard thought maybe if the person you cared about, talked to you about it, then maybe you'd stop begging him to hurt you." He shook his head and forced himself not to grit his teeth. "I completely understand why you would hate them for caring about you so much it was killing them. I can see resenting them forever because they were idiots, which, I certainly won't argue that point, they were." He wasn't trying to be mean, but he really didn't want to fail Naruto again.

"What do you know? Nothing! You have no idea what I'm going through! I can't even look Naruto in the eyes, and I will never, NEVER be able to trust the man I'm in love with ever again!" Iruka screamed, slamming the tea set down on the table. The [tea] sloshed out of the cups, burning Iruka's hand. The chunin ignored it, choosing to continue glaring at him.

Kakashi took a deep breath and let it out as slowly as he could manage. "You're right, you have my apologies." He stood up and headed for the door. "After all," he said, pausing. "The only people I've ever loved, are dead. And, I wouldn't know how it feels to hate myself for failing them. I'm sorry I assumed I could understand even remotely how you feel."

He hadn't even taken two steps when he felt the hand on his hand, stopping him. "I'm sorry."

Sighing, he turned around. "No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have lost my temper with you. I just don't want to see you lose them."

"I don't hate them, I just..." Iruka frowned and looked away. "They don't understand."

He slid his hand better into the chunin's and squeezed. "I know." He led Iruka in the living room and onto the couch. "It's hard for the people close to us to see us in pain and be unable to do anything," he said, laying down and pulling Iruka against him. "Breakfast can wait, you look like you need a nap." Kakashi smiled softly and petted the soft brown hair. "You didn't sleep at all last night, did you?"

"I did too," Iruka protested before a yawn interrupted him. "But, a nightmare woke me up."

"Ah. That explains your mood. I wondered how your smile had disappeared so quickly," he chuckled as he continued brushing the soft brown hair back.

"Kakashi?" Iruka asked before yawning again.

"Hmm?"He closed his eyes and stifled a yawn.

"Stay with me this time." The words were barely out of the chunin's mouth before he was asleep.

Kakashi released his hold on Iruka's hand and wrapped his arms around the man's waist. "K..."

-----

It was well into the afternoon before Iruka woke up. Kakashi smiled at him and used the tip of one finger to push a stray hair out of the brunette's eyes. "Feeling better?"

"I'd go back to sleep, but my stomach has other ideas," he said, turning his big brown eyes directly on Kakashi. "And, since you kept me from my breakfast, you get to make it this time.

"I can't..." Kakashi said, winking as his smile changed to a smirk.

"Oh, and why's that? And, don't try to tell me you can't cook. I already know better, seeing as how you've been doing all of it lately."

"My arm is numb," he laughed softly.

Iruka bolted upright, blushing about twenty shades of red. "I'm sorry, Kakashi, I didn't realize. I'm sorry." The blush deepened, turning the scar an even darker brown and causing Kakashi to laugh harder.

Despite his protest otherwise, the silver-haired nin fixed /breakfast./ Although, it turned out to be more like a dinner, and he dragged Iruka onto the porch to eat it.

"I'm not normally this clingy, you know that right?" Iruka said, poking at his food before picking up a vegetable with his chopsticks and popping it into his mouth.

"It's normal for a person who's been through a traumatic experience to latch onto whoever tries to help them. Has something to do with our innate desire to be near other human beings. It reaffirms that we're alive and safe." Kakashi picked up a snow pea, looked at it, and dropped it in Iruka's bowl. "Or, in some cases an object they associate with those feelings."

"You're almost as bad as Naruto about vegetables," the chunin laughed, staring at the 'offensive' pea pod.

"Hn, it had a tear in it. It wasn't perfect." He smiled but didn't mention the fact that Iruka had just mentioned the blond without so much as a pause. "And, no matter what Tsunade tells you I do not own a ratty plushie cat with a button for one eye. And, the button hasn't had to be replaced multiple times because I 'supposedly' chew on it when I'm upset." This time, Kakashi dropped half a piece of baby corn in Iruka's bowl. "It doesn't exist, and, most importantly, she hasn't had to replace said eye in the last year."

Iruka laughed and popped the vegetable in his mouth. "What did the corn do to offend you?"

"It's broken. They don't taste the same when they're broken." He carefully studied a bamboo shoot before popping it into his mouth.

"So, you have a little stuffed cat? Do your summons know? And, do they know you chew on it's eye?" A small laugh escaped the chunin's lips.

"He's not little, he's bigger than Pakkun. And, I let them use him if they're hurt or sick, but they're not allowed to chew on Nyanko.[1]" Kakashi winked at him. "That's, of course, assuming such a item exist."

"Of course." Iruka took another bite of food and chewed it thoughtfully. "I wouldn't have taken you for a cat person, though."

"My mother had cats for summons. They used to chase my father's summons around. She used to watch it with me, and we decided Nyanko was the greatest ninja cat ever. After all, only a ninja can henge, and he was very good at henging into food." Kakashi watched as Iruka tried not to laugh. "My father tried to watch it with me after she died, but he never quite understood the fascination or our game of trying to henge into whatever item Nyanko did."

Iruka looked down at his empty bowl and frowned before setting it aside. "Have you ever lost Nyanko?"

"Just once. Pakkun found him for me, though." He smiled at the chunin, reassuringly. "Don't tell, but that's the real reason Pakkun is my favorite ninken."

"What would you have done if Pakkun hadn't found him?" Iruka asked, pulling his knees up to his chest and staring off into the trees.

"I'm not sure. I'd have survived, I'm sure. Although, I might have started chewing on Pakkun's ears as a substitute," Kakashi laughed. "Of course, he probably would have bitten me back."

"Is it really that easy to replace your comfort item? Isn't it supposed to be special, irreplaceable even?" A strand of chocolate-colored hair slipped free of the hair tie to dance in the breeze against the tan skin.

The jounin swallowed, the things left unsaid terrified him. He'd known, when he'd decided to help, that the chunin could easily come to depend on him. He'd thought, however, that it wouldn't happen quite so quickly. And, a very small part of him had hoped he could convince Iruka to focus on Ibiki. He was beginning to doubt that, and the idea that Iruka might always depend on him worried and intrigued him. The fact that a small part of him longed for that bothered him even more. He simply wasn't used to letting somebody rely on him that way. "I guess you'll just have to make sure it doesn't get lost then." He hoped his voice didn't sound as shaky to the chunin as it did to him.

Iruka turned to look at him, laying his cheek against the top of his knees. "I guess you're right." The smile that lit the tanned face was both light and real.

Kakashi felt his cheeks heat up under the sudden scrutiny, a slight smile pulled at his lips, but he held the other's gaze for a moment before taking their empty bowls inside, telling himself, repeatedly, that he did not just blush.

[1.] This is an actual character owned by san-x, a little cat who imitates items, usually edible items. Nyanko is a very fickle cat that gets bored imitating one item and so he has to change to another one. I thought it was cute and could just picture a toddler Kakashi saying that the kitty is a ninja because he henges items.