If You Love Until It Hurts

A/N: Finally. I apologize for this delay, some time ago I had a full system crash and I had to format my entire HDD and reinstall Windows. I did manage to save my writings folder, but still, it took me some time to sort through the mess and start writing again. Here's the new chapter, I hope you like it.



4



Kakashi’s initial reaction after he read the memo delivered to his hospital room was to go up to the Hokage Tower and tell Tsunade to shove her orders where the sun didn’t shine. Of course, he was mature enough to know that actually doing that was out of the question, so he spent the next several moments daydreaming creative ways to get back at her. Was she doing it deliberately? His stint as Team 7’s teacher had been, to put it mildly, a disaster. Why would she put him in charge of not three but several hundred children? He shuddered at the thought of the kind of trainwreck that venture would probably become.



The Chuunin’s appearance didn’t particularly reassure him. While he held no grudge for their little spat during the Chuunin exam, he considered the younger man to be naïve and overly idealistic – a trait shared by most Chuunin he had ever met. Being forced to work with him, not to mention under him, was a recipe for a disaster. They were just too different – in temperament, in experience, not to mention rank for this to work out without becoming another catastrophe in the long line of catastrophes that Kakashi’s life was turning out to be.



With a sigh he closed the front door of his apartment and removed his shoes, then finally allowed himself to limp while walking in the privacy of his own home. His leg felt odd, almost like a foreign object stuck to his body, stiff and unyielding. He wasn’t exactly in pain, but he certainly didn’t feel comfortable. Of course, it was out of the question to let that show while he was out in public.



His place was unchanged during the weeks he had been gone, even if everything was covered in a fine, thin sheet of dust that needed to be cleaned. There were no tracks in the dust indicating that someone had tried to get in, not even while he was at the hospital, in order to get his things. The medical staff was very well-aware that Nin, especially Jounin, were a paranoid lot that booby-trapped their homes, in case someone decided to break in and lay in wait for them to slit their throats when they let their guard down. Kakashi didn’t actually lay any traps in his home – he was aware that the general reputation his kind had would be enough to discourage any prying from random people, and those who weren’t random and deliberately tried to sneak into his home would probably be good enough to disable or avoid whatever nasty surprises he left behind.



The bloodstained tatami was still there, hastily returned to its place where Kakashi had left it while he blundered about, trying to make himself presentable enough to meet Gai. The Jounin made a mental note to quietly get rid of those after his workday was over tomorrow. Preferably burn them with a well-placed jutsu and then buy new ones.



Limping he made his way to the bathroom to take a quick shower and carefully examined the marks on his leg when he was done, sitting on the edge of the hot tub – the scarring was still fresh, bright pink and quite extensive, the blade having cut deeply into his flesh. He could tell that other than the nerve damage he had lost a lot of muscle tissue, something that would’ve taken quite a while on its own to regain so he could use that leg to full capacity again.



With a sigh he put his clothes on and called to order take out – whatever food had been in his fridge before his departure had stayed there long enough to acquire a very peculiar smell and colour, not to mention fuzzy looking green mold that he was sure wasn’t a good idea to consume.



Sleep didn’t come easily that night – he was still too tense, too worried about what his future held for him to be able to relax, and he firmly refused to resort to the little box under the floorboards. His lapse in control had caused enough trouble already.



Kakashi spent a sleepless night, tossing and turning in his bed, until he finally dozed off in the dark hours just before dawn, only to sleep over well past the time he was supposed to show up for work. He felt quite embarrassed when he finally woke up and looked at the time – tardiness was usually his choice, not his failure, not to mention that he wouldn’t have time to visit the monument this morning. He placed that among the growing list of things to do after workday was over, among tatami burning and foodshopping.



He was pleasantly surprised at the smoothness of Iruka’s face when he casually strolled in his classroom, having asked a passing instructor about his location. The Chuunin didn’t give any indication that he was annoyed by his being so late. He had expected at the very least a murderous glare, if not a scathing remark, but the younger man remained oddly calm the whole time, even when he came to berate him gently during recess. The children themselves mostly ignored his presence, other than throwing a few curious looks his way – they were likely too young to comprehend the magnitude of having someone like him in their classroom – he was fine with that too. He had no desire to be gawked at like some exotic bird in a zoo.



Still, he had no choice but to follow Iruka’s gentle prompt and come out in front when the new class filed in – teenagers soon to be genin, gawking the moment they noticed Kakashi casually leaning against Iruka’s desk.



“Good day, class.” Greeted the younger man. “This is Hatake Kakashi-san, our new assistant instructor for the time being.”



Kakashi got another orderly chorus greeting of “Good day, Kakashi-sensei” He waved at them, but said nothing. He hoped he wouldn’t have to make some kind of a speech. The students didn’t move to sit behind their desks, so he gave Iruka a quizzical look.



“We have a practice class today with them.” The Chuunin clarified. “Go on, kids, we’ll follow you.”

They filed out quietly and the two of them followed them.



“We generally go and gather down at the field for this class, rather than coming here first, but I thought you wouldn’t want to be the center of attention, considering that there’d be other classes and instructors there too.”



Once again he felt oddly surprised – and pleased – at the Chuunin’s thoughtful consideration.



“Thank you.” He mumbled under his nose. Iruka just smiled and followed the children down to the training field. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said there’d be others there – Kakashi could count at least three other classes and five instructors. The children turned to stare at him with obvious and blatant curiosity, at least until the adults barked at them to pay attention to class. The instructors carefully ignored them, other than nodding politely at the newcomers.



Iruka led them to the far corner of the field that had remained free. The grass, Kakashi noticed, was cut carefully, and the free space was dotted with training dummies.



“Alright.” Iruka’s voice suddenly boomed next to his ear. “Today we’ve got kunai practice. Did everyone get down to Satoshi-san’s office and get your training kunai?” A loud chorus of “Yeees.” filled the air. “Good. Separate in pairs and begin.”



The students wordlessly followed his instructions and paired up, then began the stretching exercises before the actual practice. Kakashi and Iruka pulled back, leaning against a broken down training dummy. The Chuunin watched his students intently while Kakashi mostly felt bored. He knew these exercises by heart, and it looked like the kids did too. He honestly didn’t think he had anything to contribute to this.



When the practice finally began, Iruka moved from his position at the dummy and began to walk back and forth between the rows of training students, mostly just observing them and correcting their stance, their grip on the kunai, their movements. He was, Kakashi decided, actually quite good at this, giving sound advice and giving it in a way that made the children listen to whatever he had to say. He engaged their attention and did so gracefully and effortlessly, in a way he had never been able to do it with his own team. He felt more out of place than ever, unsure how to approach the students, and yet too proud to ask for guidance. He was always aware of his rank and the reputation it required him to cultivate.



His gaze slid over the training children and finally fell on a smallish girl paired up with a larger boy. The girl was wore simple knee-long blue pants and a white shirt buttoned at the front. Her movements were slow and clumsy, and occasionally she’d throw him worried gazes, which in turn made her even clumsier. Once their eyes met and she blushed crimson, almost tripping over her own feet. He ignored the whole thing for a while and looked up, searching for Iruka and finding him in the far corner of their training field, instructing a pair of boys. He seemed to be quite busy. Kakashi’s gaze returned to the girl and observed her some more. His scrutiny obviously worried her and Kakashi thought with amusement that he felt just as awkward in his new role as she might be feeling while being observed by a celebrity Jounin. Still, being the adult in this situation meant that he had to get over his own awkwardness first. With an inaudible sigh he pulled away from the training dummy and approached the pair. They immediately stopped what they were doing and stared up at him. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and spoke.



“You feel embarrassed that I am watching you?”



The girl swallowed audibly and nodded.



“You can’t feel embarrassed when you’re fighting for your life.” He said flatly. Both kids flushed and looked down. “Because there’s nothing shameful in fighting for your life.” He continued smoothly. “Have you heard of the Inuzuka clan?” Another nod. “They urinate on their opponents during battle, as a part of their strategy.” Both kids stared and the girl giggled nervously, but also visibly began to relax. Kakashi did too. “As I said, nothing to be embarrassed about. Now, why don’t the two of you keep practicing – I’d like to see how you do when you’re not tripping over your own feet because a Jounin’s watching you.”



They did do better this time, Kakashi observed, even if they had a lot of work ahead of them. He lifted his hand to make them stop again. They turned to look at him.



“What are you aiming for, exactly?” he asked, turning to the girl. She cleared her throat and answered quietly.



“The torso. Mostly.”



“That is a good plan when you’re throwing the kunai, the torso being the largest and therefore easiest to hit target. When you’re holding the blade, you need to aim for the areas that will produce the most debilitating injury, arteries in other words – the side of the neck, the inside of the thigh. You hit either one of those and your opponent will bleed out for a few seconds.” He gave them a stern look. “Work on your speed and reflexes, not just your strength and endurance.” They nodded eagerly, the embarrassment forgotten in the course of his instruction. His own awkwardness had dissipated as well. Joy.



When he was done and looked up, he met Iruka’s warm brown eyes – the Chuunin had finished his round and was back in his place by the training dummy. He smiled when Kakashi returned to him.



“You keep this up and I’ll be out of a job, Kakashi-san.” He told him with a small, amused smile.



“They need more practice.” Kakashi muttered. “How did they progress to this class when they’re so clumsy?”



“Barely.” Was the dry response. Iruka turned to observe the boy and the girl. “There are stragglers in every class, Kakashi-san. We try to help them pull through.”



When the training session was finally over it was early afternoon. The students bid them goodbye and filed out of the training field, which was already deserted by the other classes. Iruka and Kakashi also headed back to the Academy’s main building, walking side by side.



“That wasn’t so bad, was it, Kakashi-san?” the Chuunin said cheerfully. Kakashi was forced to admit, at least to himself, that it hadn’t been a complete disaster.



“It’s only the first day. I am sure not all will go as smoothly.”



“Is your cup always half-empty, Kakashi-san?”



Kakashi glared and the Chuunin actually shrank back a little.



“Forgive me. That was out of line.”



They walked in silence for the rest of way to the building, each deep in his own thoughts. Once inside, Iruka turned to him again:



“Would you like to come and meet the rest of the staff?”



Kakashi shrugged.



“I have to meet them sooner or later, don’t I?”



Iruka appeared as though he wanted to let out a long-suffering sigh, but he refrained. Wordlessly he turned and led him up the stairs to the Teacher’s room. When they entered, the conversations hushed and several pairs of eyes turned to look at the newcomers – there were five people in the room, two women and three men. Kakashi recognized some of them as the instructors he’d seen earlier in the training field.



Iruka walked towards them and he followed, then bowed and went through the motions of introductory etiquette. He felt relieved when it was over – in the Teacher’s room he felt even more out of place than in the classroom, as odd as that was.



Later, when they walked down the steps to Iruka’s classroom to pick up the homework the students had turned in during the day, Kakashi couldn’t help but observe:



“They didn’t seem to approve of me much.”



Iruka paused, obviously looking for a diplomatic way to reply, then sighed and answered:



“They were a bit frosty, yes. I am sure they will warm up to you though, once they get used to the situation.”



“Situation?”



There was another lengthly pause before Iruka responded again.



“They are Chuunin, Kakashi-san, but this is their turf. Being who you are…maybe they feel a little threatened.”



It made sense.



“And you?” Kakashi couldn’t help but ask, though it he knew it was an intensely personal question.



“Do I feel threatened by you?” Iruka stopped as they paused before the classroom’s door. He smiled that same warm, kind smile that lit up his brown eyes. Kakashi envied people who could smile like that. “Not at all.”



Kakashi wanted to ask why not, but he felt he had exhausted his share of personal questions for the day, so he didn’t. He would ask another time.



Once inside the classroom Iruka went to the desk and picked up a large stack of papers, then carefully divided them in two thick folders and handed one of them to Kakashi.



“Homework to grade.” He explained. Then he added another folder, thinner this time. “The lesson plan for this month. I made a copy for you yesterday after we spoke. The weekly schedule of your classes is in there too.”



He stared at the two folders in his hands. The first one was heavy.



“When am I supposed to…?”



“You have to finish it until Friday.” Iruka explained.



One could never escape paperwork, Kakashi thought with quiet resignation.



“I’ll see you tomorrow, then, Kakashi-san?”



He looked up and nodded.



“Please, don’t be late.” The Chuunin said quietly before bidding him good day and leaving. Kakashi tucked the folders under one arm and headed home as well. He had work to do.