Naruto Shit-On-You-Then: The Curse Evolves

Don’t call me Man!  Who lurks in the shadows?

~~~

            Naruto finishes signing his name on the document that legally changes his name from Naruto to Naruko, as is Sasuke’s final stage to get Naruto pregzerz, as if a name change will suddenly mean that Naruto was born with ovaries.  Naruto – who will still be referred to as Naruto – stares at his new name.  He is still in his penis-hiding form.  “Sasy-chan,” he begins, “why does it matter if I change the T to a K?”

            “The T in your name stands for ‘transvestite’!” snaps Sasuke.  “I can’t have people thinking that an uber Uchiha is gay!  The T stands for ‘transvestite’; the K stands for…”  He pauses and then awkwardly continues, “’Kome on, guys; I’m a girl.’  See?  It makes perfect sense!”

            “But… why not call me Naruka?  That sounds more like a girl’s name, ya know?”

            Using supreme male supremacy that would make Brie Larson diarrhea her G-string, Sasuke slaps Naruto.  “Change two letters in your name?!  Why don’t we just give you a new name entirely?!  How will people know that you’re Naruto if we change two letters, faggot?!”

            “But I thought you didn’t want people to know that I was Naruto… or… a guy.”

            Brain visibly fizzing, Sasuke kicks Naruto where his fallopian tubes would be.  “Backtalk be again, and the order will be ‘anal, vaginal, oral’ next time!”  Huffing, the Uchiha heads home.  He bursts through his front door, slaps his daughter, and stomps upstairs.

            Sarada, happy to have been given a second of acknowledgment from her dad, farts.  “My dad is so great, cha.”

            Sakura appears next to her and nods.  “If only he’d plow me more…  But no.  He had Naru-chan now.”  She sniffles, her head bowing.

            “Ma!  You ought to ask Daddy-chan to fork you now!”

            “But it’s daytime!  You’ll be awake and hear the sounds of love, like my hot moans, and your dad calling me a slut, and the sound of his hand as he graciously slaps me while telling me I’m terrible in the bedroom.”

            “I’ll go to sleep,” Sarada says excitedly, hands clenched into fists at her chest and smile bright.  “I’ll ignore the sounds of your head banging the wall between our rooms, cha!”
            “Shannaro, you are the best daughter-chan ever, Sara-chan,” says Sakura, and then lifts her legs and pulls Sarada’s face to her crotch so her lips could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek.

            Slime running down her face, Sarada waves bye and rushes up the stairs as her mother preps to be banged.

~~~

            Sasuke is currently sitting on the bed, pantsless as he diligently counts his pubes, from the ones around his shaft, to the trail along his taint that inevitably circles his sphincter.  “Dam split ends,” he murmurs, using a mirror underneath him for a more accurate count.  While he does this, he considers Naruto’s earlier observation: ‘Incredibles 2’ did suck, from its entirely redone plot to Elastigirl going from a milf from Part 1 to a nagging bitch with an annoying accent in Part 2!

            The door opens, and Sasuke immediately promises to slap Sakura extra hard for interrupting his pube-count.  “Orochi-chan never let me grow pubes!  I must count them, you slut!”

            “Sasy-chan-kun,” sobs Sakura, tears running down her cheeks and snot dripping into her mouth.  “Why don’t you ever stick your hot schlong in my humid clam?”

            “This again?  I told you, whore: you have a vagina!  You might as well be a boy to me!”

            “But…!  You spend all your time with Naru-chan, and you even asked him/her/it to help you amass a harem!”

            “So the fuck what?” scoffs her husband, yanking a hair out that had strayed from the sweaty path.

            “I could help you amass a harem, starting with… with… ME~!!!”  Blubbering, Sakura falls to her knees and holds herself like she was a twelve-year-old girl again, all sense of character development evaporated.  “You could…  You could even call me Saku-chan.  It’s almost as dumb as calling Naruto Naru-chan!”

            A voice calls from the room next door, “C’mon, Papa-chan!  Fork Ma-chan!”

            Sasuke stays silent before finally saying, “Remember that time we tried to assassinate one another?”

            Sakura, sniffling, looks up.  “Which time?”

            “The bridge.”

            Slowly, a loving smile comes on her face.  “Our first date,” she remembers.  “I farted, and you almost passed out.”

            Sasuke nods solemnly.  “No, the other time we tried to kill each other.”

            “Oh.”

            “You said you’d abandoned the Village Shitting in the Leaves for me.”  Sasuke clasps his hands behind his back solemnly, stands up, and begins to shuffle to the window with his pants still around his ankles, his dong dragging along the floor after him.  He stares contemplatively out the window.  “If you want this dingy that I shove in women’s thingy, there are conditions.”

            Sakura perks up, a fart escaping hers and Sarada’s butt simultaneously from the excitement.  “Anything!”

            Sasuke, peering ominously over his shoulder, tells her, “First… … you must become a boy.  Let everyone know you’re a boy by calling yourself… Satura!”

            “…”

            “And then!”  Sasuke’s eyes widen more and more.  “You will use Naruto’s Sexy Jutsu… to turn into a girl…”

            “…”

            “And legally change your name… to Sakura!”

            Dun-dun-DUUUUUN!!!

~~~

            Naruto, having been abducted after Sasuke’s leave, sits in a dark room with the one who has been watching Sasuke’s quest.  Naruto’s eyes narrow.  “Am I Hokage in this story?  Akamaru’s appearance in the first chapter kinda throws things off in regards to the timeline…”

            “Shut up!” yells the mystery man.  “Naruto…”

            “It’s Naruko now.”  At once, the girl (who is a boy) is slapped like a wife by a husband.

            “No!  You have forgotten yourself, Naru-chan.  I have loved you long before Sasy-chan loved you, before anyone loved you!  How could you have forgotten all those night I slept in your bed when you were a little… mmm… little boy?  When I fed you like a mama bird?  When I was the one who combed your first pube?”

            “I… never asked you to do… any of that, ya know?” Naruto says.

            Slowly, the figure steps away from the shadows.  “Your heart asked me to…”  There’s a pause before he sharply amends, “My heart asked me to!  And I will comb your pubes again, after you abandon this wretched form!  And transform permanently into a little boy again!”

            Naruto gasps and falls underneath the man’s shadow.

            “Do this…”  Slowly, the face of Iruka lifts from the darkness.  “Or I’ll bang Sasy-chan’s asshole so hard, he’ll bleed out his mouth!”

            Naruto begins to pant and sweat.  Desperately, he grabs at his heart.

            “The fuck is wrong with you?” Iruka asks right before Naruto collapses in a heap of hyperventilation.  Naruto nearly passes out, his heart rushing in his chest.  “Oh yeah.  I forgot; when someone threatens to give Sasy-chan owies, you have a heart attack like some kind of pussy faggot!”

            Before passing out from his pussy faggot heart attack, Naruto begins to reminisce – for the millionth time… … … that same day – Pain’s words on the cycle of hate…

~~~