Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 30th 2006, Saturday
second version: October 28th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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43: Happy family

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I don’t remember how old I was. I had a nightmare and woke up. My room was dark and it was dark outside as well. At night the hall outside my room was only dimly lit by a lamp in the window, but light is light even if it is dim and light is something a child after a nightmare can’t resist; and the longing for a mother is even more desperate.

I leave my bed and the floor is very cold. Maybe it is winter. I open the door and shuffle down the hall towards my parents’ bedroom. My legs are still wobbly from recent sleep and I’m still sobbing softly from being chased by monsters in dreams.

Just as I reach for the door handle I hear my mother’s muffled voice and my hand stops in midair. I can’t hear what she says, her voice is low and the door between us does not make things better, but I can hear she is distraught. Then I hear my father speak as well. Most of what he says escapes me as well, but I do hear one thing. ‘Itachi.’ That’s my brother’s name. I step closer and press my ear hard to the door.

“There’s just something in his eyes that… that changes,” says my mother. “And then it’s like he’s a completely different boy. He changes and that other boy scares me so much.”

My head pulls from the door and I get scared. I don’t know how much I really understood back then and how much I’ve changed the memory to fit in with what I know now, but I’m scared.

My father says something and then my mother talks again. Halfway through her mumblings I press my ear back to the door.

“…is something... I love him so much but there is something wrong with him.”

“I can call the home tomorrow,” says my father. He sounds different from how he usually sounds, softer and warmer. “They may be right and it’s best for him. And it’s only for a couple of weeks at first.”

“I feel like the worst parent,” says my mother and she sobs. “Sending away my own child.”

“If he’s sick…”

“I know! I know. If… If something should happen and he hurts Sasuke, I…”

I press down the handle then and let the door open. It creaks slightly and they are turned to look at me when I see them. They both look surprised at first, caught, but they gather themselves quickly. Mother dries her red eyes with her arm and smiles at me, waves to get me closer.

“Hi, Sasuke,” she says and sniffles. “Did you have a bad dream? Come here, sweetie.”

I crawl into the bed and cuddle close to her, breathing in her scent and letting her arms around me calm me down.

“I don’t want Niisan to leave,” I mumble into her night gown and she wraps her arms even closer.

“Oh, sweetie, I know,” she says. “I know.”

“He wouldn’t hurt me, so don’t make him leave.”

I remember she was silent for a moment before she spoke, but I have no memory of what she said. It’s completely gone.

-

Itachi got off the chair, walked over, wrapped his arms around Sasuke and stayed there for as long as he could without it being awkward. Sasuke’s muscles tensed and his stomach turned and grew cold but he stayed still; put a hand on Itachi’s shoulder and tried to ignore the smell of his brother that he recognized from times long gone. It was soft, this wasn’t a place that made it easy for individual smells to root, but it was there and that was enough. The nervousness had gone into hiding as soon as Sasuke laid eyes on the young man in the chair.

When Itachi let go, he looked into Sasuke’s eyes for a moment with those eyes that said that in that moment he felt nothing but heart wrenching guilt. Sasuke hated those eyes. Then Itachi turned to Naruto and smiled softly again, though the guilt never really left him.

“Hello,” he said, stretching out a hand. “I’m Itachi, Sasuke’s older brother.”

And of course Naruto had to blush. The blond was nervous, shifting and didn’t seem to know quite what to do with himself. His smile went quickly on and off.

“Err… Ah…” he stammered before gathering himself and quickly lashing out to take the hand. “I’m Uzumaki Naruto!”

“You are one of Sasuke’s new friends?”

“Ah, um...” Naruto threw a nervous, questioning glance in Sasuke’s direction, but looked away before Sasuke could really decide what he wanted him to say. “Yes! We’re friends. It’s very nice to meet you.”

One part of Sasuke wanted to keep it from Itachi, that Naruto wasn’t just a friend. He wanted to keep from Itachi even that Naruto was a friend. It was the same part that had screamed in protest when he had first considered bringing Naruto here, for the same reason it hadn’t wanted Itachi to know about Kakashi or Shikamaru. Because Sasuke didn’t want to lose them. Itachi was dangerous. Not this Itachi, this one softly smiling and politely introducing himself, but the other one; that fucked up one that was kept unconscious by medication and for some fucked up reason that probably made perfect sense to him wanted Sasuke to hate him.

“Oh, come on,” Kisame groaned and threw an arm around Sasuke’s shoulders. “They’re not friends.”

Naruto looked terrified, his hand for some reason still engaged in the handshake; Itachi looked mildly confused. Sasuke tried to look indifferent; because it was only one part of him that didn’t want Itachi to know that Naruto was his friend and more than his friend, just as there had only been one part of him protesting when it had been about Kakashi and Shikamaru. Another part of him didn’t want to be scared and hide his life so that he wouldn’t risk losing it. He didn’t want to admit defeat; he wanted the other one to know that he had failed. He wasn’t the center of Sasuke’s world; not everything Sasuke did was in some way connected to him anymore.

“It’s the boyfriend,” Kisame whispered loudly.

Naruto looked even more terrified, his face pale. For a moment Itachi still looked confused, but then he smiled his soft smile again.

“It is?” he asked Sasuke.

Sasuke shrugged as if it was nothing.

“Yeah.”

“That’s nice,” Itachi said and his smile stayed even as he turned to Naruto. “Then I’m even happier to have met you.”

Naruto laughed weakly and swallowed.

“Y-yeah.”

Sasuke had noticed though, the quick, quick flash in Itachi’s eyes that was gone again almost before it had arrived; the small, small flinch of the hand that Sasuke would have missed if he had been someone other than himself. It sent a cold shiver down his spine, but also made him feel satisfied. ‘Sucks to be a locked-up and kept-unconscious-by-pills symptom, doesn’t it?’ Because in the end that was all that he was, that other one. A symptom of Itachi’s disease.

-

They stayed inside for while. Kisame gave Naruto a tour of the place and introduced all the crazies and Itachi and Sasuke walked some steps behind, catching up. It was stupid really. Itachi asked how Sasuke was doing in school, if he liked his new home and how long he’d been going out with Naruto. Normal stuff; as if they had a normal relationship. Sasuke didn’t like the visits. He didn’t like playing along with the pretending that they were normal brothers, but it was important to Itachi. For some reason it was important to him to get that short time of pretending with Sasuke, even though they both knew it was just a lie, and Sasuke didn’t see a reason to keep it from him.

He couldn’t really blame Itachi anymore, like he had. There had been a time in Sasuke’s life where his only reason to wake up in the morning was so that he would one day get to kill his brother, but he wasn’t like that anymore. He couldn’t blame Itachi because Itachi was sick. The only thing Sasuke could blame was the symptom of a disease and he was smarter than that. No, he didn’t like the visits, but Sasuke went along with them anyway. It was a sign that he was better now, that he wasn’t sick anymore. As with not hiding his life, it proved that he had won and the other one had failed.

After the tour they went outside. Itachi was allowed fifteen minutes outside every day when he was stable and today he was, so they went outside. Kisame couldn’t go with them as the hospital had rules about not letting the patients go out in pairs, though that was all well to Sasuke; the man and his pill-induced energy were starting to grate on his nerves.

They walked on a small paved path that snaked around the building first, then headed off toward and eventually followed a big field belonging to a farm you could spot some distance away. In the summer it used to be golden yellow, but now it looked sad and barren. Sasuke walked in the middle with Itachi on his left and Naruto on his right and their pace was set somewhere between slow and fast. Sasuke kept glancing at the watch he had borrowed from one of the nurses, not wanting to be late. The nurses liked that he went for a walk with Itachi when he came to visit (because it meant less work for them, most likely), but keeping track of time was important.

“How old are you, Naruto-kun?”

“Um...” Naruto was still nervous talking to Itachi, it seemed. “I’m fifteen. Same as Sasuke. We’re in the same class.”

“I know,” Itachi said. “Sasuke told me before.”

“Oh, okay.”

The ‘why do you ask my age if you know we’re in the same class?’ question was unasked, but it hovered in the tone of Naruto’s voice. ‘What does he think of my brother?’ Sasuke couldn’t help but think. ‘What does he think of me now and what will he think later when I tell him what happened to make things the way they are?’ The last thought made Sasuke’s stomach turn and he grabbed at whatever he could to distract himself.

“Kakashi is dating Naruto’s dad,” he said. “That’s how we met. They met on some seminar. Iruka-san is a teacher too.”

“What about your mother?” Itachi asked Naruto.

“Oh! There is no mother, I’m adopted.”

Then Naruto grinned sheepishly.

“I mean... There’s gotta be a mother somewhere, I just don’t know her. It’s me and Iruka living together. W-well, for now! Kakashi and Sasuke will move in with us later.”

Sasuke’s heart beat at that, at the mentioning of forming a family, and even though his entire being seemed to scream ‘don’t look!’ he glanced at Itachi. The older brother looked surprised. Then he smiled and there was just something in the way his lips curved that chilled Sasuke to the bones even before the words were spoken.

“One big happy family,” Itachi said softly.

That something in his smile and in his voice overwhelmed Sasuke with a violent urge to throw himself off the road and into the field and puke, and it was so strong that for a moment he almost did it. He wished he had never come, he wished Naruto had never come, he wished he had never decided it was better to let his brother live.

Who was it better for anyway? Was it better for Sasuke? Was it better for Itachi? Wouldn’t Sasuke’s life be so much easier if there was no crazy brother to go visit every four months or so? What fun could Itachi have, sitting in the same rooms, together with the other loonies day in and day out? What a splendid life! And this wasn’t really Sasuke’s brother, this racked with guilt, kept together by drugs, locked up and pretending young man. Sasuke’s brother died a long time ago and nothing the doctors had said or done or given him had brought him back. This was nothing but a shadow of Sasuke’s Itachi; a shell of a person. It was pathetic.

“I’m sorry,” Itachi whispered and looked away.

He knew. He knew that he wasn’t himself; he knew that this was just a lie, that they would never be normal and never okay. He was guilt; that was what defined him these days. ‘I let it happen.’ It wouldn’t be anything but a mercy kill, would it?

“I know,” Sasuke said and glanced at his watch again. For once time was on his side and he was very grateful. “We need to go back.”

-

As a precaution, before he left the institution Sasuke always received a small envelope, folded together by a piece of paper, containing a couple of pills, in case he became unstable after the visit. The person accompanying Sasuke on the visit had to stay with him for a few hours afterwards and look after him. They would make sure he took the pills if he needed them and they would call his therapist.

The pills came directly from Tsunade; the lady would have it no other way. Despite her occupation, or maybe because of it, she didn’t trust the mental care system. ‘Mistakes and stupidity happen all the time,’ she said. ‘You’d be horrified if I told you half of it.’ So, while it would have been much easier to go through Itachi’s nurses (they had all the pills available), Tsunade handled Sasuke’s pills. She delivered the small envelopes herself or sent someone she trusted, and they were always clearly and often embarrassingly marked and sealed. It had happened that the pills came to use, but mostly they didn’t and were just thrown away. Sasuke thought it was a waste of good pills, he was much better now.

However this day when Sasuke and Naruto went to picked up their things in the reception before they left, there was no one waiting with pills.

“I’m sorry,” the nurse handing them jackets and keys and things said. “The delivery was delayed. You’ll have to wait at the entrance.”

Sasuke sighed and Naruto looked confused. Sasuke explained as they went downstairs, followed by a nurse that would make sure they didn’t leave before the pills came. As if Sasuke was more dangerous than the bunch of patients upstairs. But he knew that Tsunade’s orders were hard to resist. He was grateful they could leave the ward at least; he’d said his good bye and didn’t want to have to do it again.

They sat down at one of the groups of couches and tables near the entrance. The nurse was reading the newspaper and Naruto’s heels were jumping on the floor. He was waiting for them to be alone so he could ask his questions, of course. Sasuke tried to not let the wait get to him. He wanted to get answering the questions over with. He wanted to get the reactions to his answers over with and tried not to think about them. Sasuke’s eyes were fixed on Naruto’s jumping heels and his mind was lost in trying not to think about things, but when the automatic doors hissed open he looked up, and found himself frowning in surprise. It was Shikamaru.

“Yo,” the guy said and sounding bored as always, though Sasuke could see through it. “Sorry I’m late.”

“Hey,” Sasuke said, frowning. “What are you doing here?”

“You wanted pills?” Shikamaru said, sauntered over and sat down on the couch next to Sasuke. Naruto’s heels stopped moving and he straightened up in the couch opposite them.

“Yeah, they’re here now so you can head on up,” he said to the nurse, who was frowning over her newspaper. He dug out the envelope from his pocket and waved it around. “See?”

“Very well,” she said, folded up the paper and left. Shikamaru made a tired face in her direction.

“What are you doing here?” Sasuke asked, because really, what was he doing there? Shikamaru’s eyes moved back to Sasuke.

“Hm? I didn’t tell you? I started working for the old lady. It’s just now and then, barely even counts as part-time.”

“You’re working?” Sasuke raised a brow; that was amusing.

“What? I can’t work?”

“You’re the laziest person I know!”

“So? I need money just like everyone else,” Shikamaru muttered. Sasuke snorted. Then Naruto got off the couch and Sasuke remembered that these two hadn’t met before and that introductions were polite.

“Hello? I’m here! Who is this guy?”

Shikamaru looked at the blond and frowned. Naruto was glaring and breathing like he’d been running. Annoyance crept ahead of being sorry and Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

“What? He’s a friend. Sit down and stop screaming.”

“No! I wanna know who this guy is and why we have to talk to him.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Sasuke hissed and glared angrily. “Sit down!”

Though Naruto only seemed to get more furious. He looked just about ready to start yelling even louder when Shikamaru got to his feet and quickly grabbed a hold of the blond’s right fist. The closest thing to a handshake he could get.

“Sorry,” he said. “I should have introduced myself. Nara Shikamaru. Sasuke’s friend and occasionally also his brain.”

“Hey!” Sasuke exclaimed, because that was totally unfair and untrue. Sort of.

Naruto looked surprised first, then he went from angry to just grumpy and frustrated. He stared at his fist in Shikamaru’s hand for a moment before unclenching the hand and properly finishing the handshake.

“Uzumaki Naruto,” he muttered. “Boyfriend.”

Sasuke sighed and looked away. Shikamaru chuckled.

“Yeah, I guessed. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Eh? You have?” The grumpiness went down a notch and curiosity sparkled. Sasuke could have groaned at the blond’s mood swings.

“Sure. Nothing but good things though so don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t worrying,” Naruto pouted, but he was interested now more than upset. “What did he tell you?”

For some reason that sudden switch from pissed off to all curious really annoyed Sasuke. He didn’t know why. This wasn’t how he had envisioned the meeting between his best friend and his… His Naruto, but now that the blond’s initial bout of weird acting was over, it seemed okay. So why the hell was Sasuke annoyed? It could have been the tone in Shikamaru’s voice.

“Oh, just things,” Shikamaru said. “That you’re blond and his dad is flirting with your dad. That you’re a stalker but the best kind of stalker and that he’s totally in love with you.”

“I’ve never said that!”

“Really?” Naruto wasn’t listening, grinning, blushing slightly.

“Sure. His knees get all weak when you kiss him.”

“Aww…”

“He’s lying! Shikamaru, shut up!”

“I knew that though,” Naruto said. His grinning brought wrinkles to his nose. “I mean, he did pass out once.”

Shikamaru raised a brow.

“N-Naruto!” Sasuke was so horrified he didn’t even care that his voice cracked.

“Ah!” Naruto slapped a hand over his mouth. “Err…”

“You fucking retard!”

“I’m sorry! It just slipped out! B-but he’s your friend! It’s okay, right?”

“It’s not okay! Fuck!”

“Now now,” Shikamaru would have been giggling if he had been the type. “Sit down and stop screaming.”

“Hey!” Sasuke turned to Shikamaru. “You know that means nothing. I’m sick. I pass out all the time.”

“Of course you do,” he said, but his eyes wouldn’t stop smiling. Sasuke snarled and threw out one of his hands.

“Give me my pills!”

Shikamaru looked at him for a moment. His amusement was slowly running away but not to make him look angry or upset or worried; he just looked like Shikamaru, slightly bored and slightly tired.

“No,” he said. “We’ll sit here and talk for a moment first.”

“You’re not a fucking shrink, asshole! Give me the pills!”

“No,” Shikamaru said. Then he sat down. Naruto seemed to hesitate for a moment; looked at Sasuke, who glared violently back; then looked at Shikamaru. Eventually he cautiously sat down as well. Sasuke stayed on his feet for some moments more, fuming, because there really wasn’t anything else he wanted to do that wouldn’t have consequences he didn’t want. With another snarl, he sat down too and crossed his arms over his chest; looked out the window.

Shikamaru could be such an asshole sometimes. Sasuke didn’t know if he wanted to cry, start screaming again or just strangle someone. He hated when his so-called friend pulled his amateur psychology tricks on him. Sasuke knew what he was doing. He wanted to give Sasuke a chance to blow off some steam before he left, lowering the chances of him keeping any Itachi-bothers inside until it became a problem. He always did that when he came with Sasuke to the visits; had always started a fight or something when they left the building or on the bus home. It was annoying.

No one said anything for a long time; Sasuke because there was nothing he could say that would make a difference where he wanted a difference, Shikamaru because he was giving Sasuke time and Naruto because... who knew? It had to be a miracle! Fortunately he was the one who finally broke the silence; it would have sucked to have to rearrange the universe on top of all the other shit.

“I thought he was the Neji-guy,” Naruto mumbled, staring at the floor.

“What?” Sasuke spat, but with the wait his anger had started to move away from him and he just had frustration left really. He hated when people used tricks on him.

“I thought he was the Neji-guy!” Naruto repeated and looked up this time, frustration in his eyes. It hit Sasuke that it had probably been a tough day for him too.

“It’s just Shikamaru,” Sasuke muttered and he hated how the thought of Shikamaru being Sasuke’s ex-boyfriend Neji in Naruto’s eyes made the corner of his lips twitch. Damn it, he didn’t want to smile, but it was funny. “You’re such an idiot.”

“How should I know?” Naruto whined.

“I could have been Neji,” Shikamaru said.

“Yeah!” Naruto agreed. Sasuke snorted.

“Can I have my pills now?”

But they ended up staying a while longer. Naruto and Shikamaru got along a bit better than Sasuke would have wanted, but it was better than the opposite. As long as he wanted to get along with them, Shikamaru rarely had trouble hanging out with anyone; but it was nice to see it work out anyway. Sasuke wanted them to get along.

Shikamaru asked about the family trip and Sasuke told him it had been okay. Naruto filled in with details, sharing the story of Sasuke going horseback riding (even though he hadn’t even been there) and how they had gotten caught by the Konohamaru brat. The blond just kept sharing things that Sasuke would have never even thought of sharing; not because they were particularly embarrassing (though that often was the case) but because he just wouldn’t have thought about it. And Shikamaru was so clever, getting Naruto to talk; the guy could be so manipulative when he wanted to (not that Naruto needed much work). Though it wasn’t as if most of the things Naruto said were things Sasuke didn’t want Shikamaru to know. Shikamaru knew better than to ask about that and, most of the times, Sasuke had to admit it, Naruto knew better than to share.

It was also a test of a sort, Sasuke realized. Shikamaru wanted to see who Naruto was and if he was worthy of Sasuke. The friend was so protective that it would have been pathetic if he wasn’t so subtle about it. Sasuke knew, but most of everyone else didn’t. Shikamaru smiled his soft smile all through the telling of everything and Sasuke knew what he was thinking. ‘I’m such a genius for getting Sasuke to move.’ And ‘I approve.’ Silly, but it made Sasuke feel better. At least a part of him.

Eventually Sasuke got his pills and Shikamaru said he had to leave. He could have gone with them on the bus back to the city, but he said he wanted some air and would walk. Sasuke knew it was bullshit, but he didn’t argue. He sensed the mood that had come crawling back as their chat was coming to an end and knew that Shikamaru had too. It was the same mood that had been there before Shikamaru had shown up; Naruto’s anxiety to know why they had to go to a mental institution to meet Sasuke’s brother and Sasuke’s anxiety to have the telling over with. They couldn’t talk about that unless they were alone.

Before he left Shikamaru gave Naruto his cell phone number and told him to call if he ever ran into any trouble with Sasuke. ‘Call me if the guy’s being troublesome,’ he said jokingly, but was serious. Sasuke snorted and rolled his eyes, but he was grateful that Shikamaru cared and happy that he approved of Naruto. He got the weird and slightly embarrassing feeling that Shikamaru was trusting Naruto with more than just a phone number. His friend had gotten Sasuke out of tricky situations before and even if Sasuke hadn’t been instantly grateful all the times, he knew that he was lucky. There wasn’t anyone who knew or could deal with him better than Shikamaru. Kakashi and Tsunade were close second and third but number one had always been him. Maybe because he was so smart or maybe he just knew.

Naruto was a little confused first when he received the number, but he took the note and said ‘thanks’. He waved when Shikamaru left and smiled at Sasuke when he was gone. ‘I like him,’ he said, and Sasuke smiled a small smile himself and said ‘I like him too.’ They went to the bus stop and found that the next bus heading for the city was only five minutes away. Sasuke smoked while they waited. The mood got more and more evident until the air was thick with the tension. But neither of them had said anything yet when the bus came.

-

I’m lost in non-thoughts as the bus leaves the hospital grounds. I’m staring out the window, chin in my hand and elbow on the windowsill. The world is passing by in a slowly speeding up blur but I don’t really see a thing. Naruto probably thinks I’m thinking but I’m not. I don’t think about anything. My mind is blank, empty. I have this feeling I should feel alone in there, but I don’t.

“Sasuke,” Naruto says. Finally. Either he felt it was okay to disturb the thoughts I don’t have, or he just didn’t think I was thinking. His voice is serious, low; he chews on his lower lip. I know what he will ask me. ‘Why is your brother in a mental institution?’

“What’s wrong with Itachi-san?” Naruto asks.

Oh, well… Close enough.

“It’s some personality disorder,” I say to my reflection in the window. “I don’t know if they know exactly what it is and I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

I look at Naruto and he looks sad; sad and serious. He’s not saying anything and that says a lot.

“He killed our parents,” I say. As the realization of what I’ve said hits him, something changes in his eyes, in his expression, and I want to cry. “I was five and a half. That’s why I was sick.”

I can see that he goes through things to say in his mind and I tell myself that I can see what they are. ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘I didn’t know.’ ‘Can I do anything?’ ‘I want to kill him.’

‘Take me back so I can kill him.’

But nothing is said. The blue eyes are shiny but Naruto doesn’t cry. Here is this overly emotional and crazily expressive guy and he just won’t cry. He won’t even talk. It means so much that it makes me cry. But just one tear; then I get a grip and wipe my eyes.

I go back to looking out the window. Even though his silence and lack of expressing what he must feel and think was such a relief a moment ago, now I want to scream at him to react, to do something, anything.

I don’t scream, but he reacts anyway. He leans closer and rests his head on my arm. He takes my hand and cradles it in his two. I’m grateful again, relieved again, so relieved. His skin is warm around mine and his warmth wraps around my heart. This time the feeling stays longer.

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