Almost Sucks
folder
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
77
Views:
1,970
Reviews:
327
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
2
Category:
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
77
Views:
1,970
Reviews:
327
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
2
Disclaimer:
I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
It blames that man
Almost Sucks
by Mashiro
Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara
first version: November 20th 2006, Monday
second version: October 31st 2008, Friday
.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.
.
.
44: It blames that man
.
.
A part of me keeps asking ‘was it me?’ It asks because it thinks so, that part of me. It was something that I did or didn’t do. I messed up. It was because of me. My fault.
And it’s a reasonable way of reasoning, with the way things turned out and went bad. Anyone could think that, come to that conclusion. It’s the reasonable part of me, the one that says ‘I should have known’ and ‘why didn’t I do things differently?’ and ‘why didn’t I stop?’ But either way, reasonable or not, it’s not a very big part of me.
The bigger part of me, the rest of me, just moves. It just goes forward, further. It wants to fix things. It wants things back the way they were and right again. Things aren’t supposed to be like this.
(At the same time, and it scares me, it feels a little like this is exactly how it was meant to be. I want that feeling to shut up and go away but it doesn’t; it’s there and it makes sense. This was supposed to be.)
But that doesn’t matter; supposed to be or not, scared of the rightness or not, I move. No matter how meant to happen this was, it’s not supposed to stay this way. The rest of me moves forward to make things right. It doesn’t stop to waste time by blaming myself, or him, or anyone.
(No, that’s not true. It does blame. It blames that man. That man I think I dream about these days, even though I can’t really remember, the man I think I’ve come to hate. I wish I could erase what he did. There are no words strong enough for how much I wish I could erase what he did.)
The memory of Sasuke’s face at that time has been etched in my brain and I see it like a photograph.
(Forehead shining from sweat and eyes squeezed closed and mouth half-open as he pants, blushing. His muscles going tense and relaxing. The sounds. The whining. I feel his fingers gripping me so hard it hurts.)
I remember thinking ‘I’m the first one to see him like this’. This is a part of him that no one else has seen and he chose to show me. I hear him say it in my head.
‘I want you to see this face that no one else has seen.’
So why did it go wrong?
He never spoke those words, but I hear them anyway. It makes me scared and I start wondering. If I can imagine his voice saying those words so clearly when it never happened, couldn’t I have imagined it all? Maybe he never showed me that face, maybe I just made it up. Maybe I stopped. What if I’m dreaming and he’s sleeping next to me?
But it doesn’t matter. I keep moving and most parts of me don’t bother thinking about ‘maybe’ or ‘why’ or ‘what if’. My hands are clenched and I keep moving forward. There is nowhere else to go. I keep him in my focus.
.
.
by Mashiro
Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara
first version: November 20th 2006, Monday
second version: October 31st 2008, Friday
.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.
.
.
44: It blames that man
.
.
A part of me keeps asking ‘was it me?’ It asks because it thinks so, that part of me. It was something that I did or didn’t do. I messed up. It was because of me. My fault.
And it’s a reasonable way of reasoning, with the way things turned out and went bad. Anyone could think that, come to that conclusion. It’s the reasonable part of me, the one that says ‘I should have known’ and ‘why didn’t I do things differently?’ and ‘why didn’t I stop?’ But either way, reasonable or not, it’s not a very big part of me.
The bigger part of me, the rest of me, just moves. It just goes forward, further. It wants to fix things. It wants things back the way they were and right again. Things aren’t supposed to be like this.
(At the same time, and it scares me, it feels a little like this is exactly how it was meant to be. I want that feeling to shut up and go away but it doesn’t; it’s there and it makes sense. This was supposed to be.)
But that doesn’t matter; supposed to be or not, scared of the rightness or not, I move. No matter how meant to happen this was, it’s not supposed to stay this way. The rest of me moves forward to make things right. It doesn’t stop to waste time by blaming myself, or him, or anyone.
(No, that’s not true. It does blame. It blames that man. That man I think I dream about these days, even though I can’t really remember, the man I think I’ve come to hate. I wish I could erase what he did. There are no words strong enough for how much I wish I could erase what he did.)
The memory of Sasuke’s face at that time has been etched in my brain and I see it like a photograph.
(Forehead shining from sweat and eyes squeezed closed and mouth half-open as he pants, blushing. His muscles going tense and relaxing. The sounds. The whining. I feel his fingers gripping me so hard it hurts.)
I remember thinking ‘I’m the first one to see him like this’. This is a part of him that no one else has seen and he chose to show me. I hear him say it in my head.
‘I want you to see this face that no one else has seen.’
So why did it go wrong?
He never spoke those words, but I hear them anyway. It makes me scared and I start wondering. If I can imagine his voice saying those words so clearly when it never happened, couldn’t I have imagined it all? Maybe he never showed me that face, maybe I just made it up. Maybe I stopped. What if I’m dreaming and he’s sleeping next to me?
But it doesn’t matter. I keep moving and most parts of me don’t bother thinking about ‘maybe’ or ‘why’ or ‘what if’. My hands are clenched and I keep moving forward. There is nowhere else to go. I keep him in my focus.
.
.