Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: November 20th 2006, Monday
second version: October 31st 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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45: I might have lost it

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Sasuke woke up before the snake came. Nothing woke him up; he just found his consciousness creeping back to him, his eyelids squeezing closer together, his throat producing a weak, frustrated groan. Sasuke pushed his face further into the pillow. He was not rested. He did not want to wake up.

But he did. And when he was awake the knowing snapped back to him. There was no merciful hazy period of not quite knowing where he was or what he was doing there. He knew from the first split second of consciousness what he had done and what it would do. He wanted back to sleep. His head was starting to hurt again. What time was it?

Sasuke opened his eyes to find the room darkish; but the world behind the curtains that covered the windows could be glimpsed on a sliver of the wall and it was bright. Saturday midday bright. There was a hiss from behind him and he turned his head to see nothing. But he felt, and heard, the rustling of the fabrics on the bed and the moving of it. He tensed for a moment and thought, but realized who the visitor had to be before the cool, blank skin came in contact with his warm and made him shiver. Sasuke closed his eyes again and relaxed with a sigh that made no sound.

“Hey,” he mumbled, half into the pillow, with a voice that was croaked and weak and shouldn’t belong to him. He hadn’t been crying, had he? He didn’t remember any crying; not enough to ruin his voice at any rate. Maybe it was just the sleep.

The creature kept moving up the bed, here and there brushing against his legs and making more shivers. It was so big that it shaped the comforter as much as Sasuke did and could easily eat him if it wanted to. He remembered the owner had said that once. ‘Do you know that he could eat you? Looks like he wouldn’t mind either.’ But it never had.

The snake settled its head on the pillow next to Sasuke and watched him with big, yellow eyes that spoke of intelligence. It slipped more of its body into the bed but stopped before it got too crowded. Its skin was white and softly painted with a silvery, more or less regular pattern that had always reminded Sasuke of a net. If it could use words Sasuke was sure it would say ‘you’ve been missing. Where were you?’

“I moved away,” Sasuke mumbled. “Sorry.”

The snake quickly whipped out its tongue and pulled it back again. Sasuke shifted in the bed. His head was pounding now, like he’d taken a blow or caught an angry cold. He remembered taking pain killers before going to bed but they must have worn off. How long had he been asleep anyway?

“He missed you,” a soft and at the same time hard voice suddenly said. Sasuke flinched. He had heard no door opening and no feet approaching. To be expected though, of course, with this man. Sasuke was startled but not surprised. He glanced over his shoulder to find the man leaning against the wall next to door. His arms were crossed over his chest, his hair was flowing freely and a small, relaxed and evil-looking smile rested on his lips. It wasn’t evil-looking because it was evil-intending (even though it probably was), that was just the way he smiled. It was hurting more and more the more minutes went by, Sasuke’s head.

“I did too,” the man said. “You didn’t even come to visit.”

“The store doesn’t count?”

“No.”

Sasuke gave a weak smile even if the headache wanted him not to, because he realized he had missed this man. It was odd. When he had been away, Sasuke had missed the feeling the man gave him rather than the man himself (not every day, but some); now that he was in the man’s presence again, Sasuke remembered where that feeling had come from and knew what he had really missed. Or maybe it was this Saturday rather than the man that made Sasuke so reckless. Missing the man was much more fatal than missing the feeling.

“Sorry,” Sasuke said again.

The man chuckled.

“Go back to sleep,” he said and came closer. When he uncrossed his arms, Sasuke saw he held a glass in one of his hands. “You’re tired.”

“Yeah,” Sasuke mumbled and at the mentioning of ‘tired’ he had to choke back a yawn.

“But take these first.”

The man stopped at the bed and Sasuke ached as he struggled to sit up. Frowning, he took the held out glass of what seemed to be water and the pills from the other hand that had been closed until now. Fingers brushed against fingers. He vaguely remembered taking others like them before he went to bed.

“You still have that headache,” the man said, and it was not a question. Sasuke put the pills in his mouth and swallowed them down with a mouthful of water that was neither cold nor warm. The man lowered a hand and caressed the head of the snake. If the creature could have purred, it would have.

“I told him not to disturb you but he snuck away while I was on the phone, such a stubborn boy sometimes.”

He glanced at Sasuke and the smile grew slightly.

“As are you.”

Sasuke half-smiled and half-snorted weakly and took a second mouthful of water before handing the glass back.

“He can stay,” Sasuke said. “It’s fine.”

The man took steps back and looked pleased.

“Then sleep well, both of you,” he said.

Then he left and when the door closed behind him Sasuke moved to lie back down on the pillow. He turned his head to look at the snake and the snake looked at him.

“Did you really miss me, Kimimaro?” he asked.

The snake’s answer was another rapid lick in the air. This time the distance between them was shorter and the snake’s head was angled differently so the tongue hit the tip of Sasuke’s nose. Sasuke blinked and flinched; he smiled and then the smile faded again. When they were alone and things were quiet again the headache was harder to ignore and thoughts crept closer. Sasuke closed his eyes. He didn’t want to be awake anymore. He didn’t want to have to deal with what had happened together with this exhaustion and head aching. Fortunately, sleep was kind that day. Or maybe it was the pills.

-

Sasuke knew that what he had done was... ‘bad’ was too weak a word; ‘unfair’ wasn’t even close to being strong enough either. He knew that Naruto was probably so confused; so hurt and so angry.

‘I’m so scared I’ll lose you.’

It wasn’t Naruto’s fault. It wasn’t... It was... Sasuke wished with all his heart that things had been different. He wished that he was normal and not fucked up. If he had been normal, none of this would have happened. He would have had a normal life with normal reactions to normal things, he would have enjoyed things that should be enjoyed and he wouldn’t have done things that shouldn’t be done.

But he was fucked up and things weren’t different. Sasuke had done what he had to do. At that moment there was no way he could have stayed.

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The next time Sasuke woke up the room was considerably darker and he was alone in the bed. How the snake had managed to leave without waking him was a mystery with how close together they had been when Sasuke lost his consciousness, but somehow it had managed. It was physically a more pleasant waking up. Sasuke was groggy from having just woken up, but rested and there was no headache creeping up on him. The curtains were kept slightly in color by the sun that had probably yet to set, but the fabric was thick enough that very little, if any at all, light slipped past them. The ceiling hovered over Sasuke as a thing of darkness and most of the room loomed in pretty much the same way.

With no headache and no snake to distract him, Sasuke noticed how quiet it was. There was only the low humming from the building. From the rest of the apartment came nothing and the murmur of the city, people, cars, buildings and machines were kept away by soundproof windows and the far distance to the ground. He remembered the last time he’d heard that sound and that it had made his head hurt. What had used to calm him had that time made him frustrated, and now... Now he was sure that it was back to making him calm again. He didn’t know if he liked that or if the feeling in his chest was sadness.

Sasuke sighed and turned on to his back, facing the ceiling darkness. He noted the dull complaints of his body as he moved his legs and wondered when it would go away. In a way it felt comforting, having the ache there. It felt comforting because... because it meant that ‘before’ was still close. It made ‘before’ much harder to forget. The thought of forgetting before was scarier than Sasuke could have ever imagined.

He hadn’t thought it would be that big a deal, sex. He had heard all the pretty stuff about special and ‘a gift you could only give once’ and he’d heard all the not so pretty stuff about all the things that could go wrong and hurting like a bitch. But he hadn’t heard anything like this. Someone should have said something about this. But maybe it was just him. Maybe sex just affected things it shouldn’t affect when it was him, because he was fucked up and got it mixed up with things it shouldn’t get mixed up with. Maybe it was just him.

Sasuke’s stomach growled and drew him back to the world of things that mattered, his body and the dark room with the hovering ceiling. Sasuke closed his eyes and sighed again, softer this time. Now that he was aware of it the hunger tore at his insides. Probably should too; it had to be a long time since his last meal and he’d puked up most of it. Making up his mind, Sasuke maneuvered and hauled his body up to sit on the edge of the bed, ignoring the ache radiating up through his body. The heated floor was comfortably warm against his bare feet and even though his legs were weaker than usual and wobbly he preferred standing to sitting.

Sasuke found a pile of new clothes instead of the orange pants and black shirt he had arrived in and for a split second he almost panicked. The split second after he cursed himself for being an emotional idiot. It was just clothes, and not like he would never get them back eventually. Who cared? But he did care, he realized, when relief of not having to slip his legs back into those colorful fabrics just yet washed over him, despite the first almost panic over the thought of leaving the room without dressing in orange. Sasuke shook his head and sighed and pulled the oversized white shirt he’d dressed in last night over his head. It was just clothes.

The shirt and pants that had been left for him were both loose and black with long sleeves and legs. They were new and stylish, but comfortable, and just the right size. Not orange. There had even been underwear in the pile, but he decided to save them for after the shower he hoped he could have really soon.

Sasuke felt as though he had taken a step out of his life. His life. It had been strange and shitty at first but lately had felt very much like his. It was the town and the house and bus to school and Naruto. It was listening to silly talks about silly things, butting in where he had to and having a painfully energized and enthusiastic blond around him more or less constantly. It was touching and being touched and struggling with the rest of the world to get some privacy. It was Naruto’s friends, weird or frustrating or both, and neighbors. It was Kakashi and Iruka and their frustrating playing family with stupid rules that messed with Sasuke’s habits and fucked up trips that ended up kind of nice.

It felt like Sasuke had crawled out of that life; he had crawled out of that skin and left it behind on the road while he himself went on ahead. Now, walking through this apartment far away from that skin, Sasuke felt more stable and more balanced. There was distance between him and his life and because of that distance it didn’t feel as overwhelming. He still felt it, the skin, his life, but he wasn’t in it anymore. He was hurting, and not just physically, but the feeling wasn’t as powerful anymore. It was more like he knew that he felt it rather than actually felt it. He knew he felt bad, but he didn’t feel bad. Unless it was sudden and about losing the orange and black clothes that he’d brought with him.

He hadn’t been quite there yet the first time he woke up, but now he was. Sasuke felt lighter. His body complained and his stomach wanted food, but he felt light; calm. Not quite himself but still very much so; clear-headed for what felt like the first time in weeks. The new clothes felt very right in a way, felt symbolic. And Sasuke had this strange feeling that he was exactly where he should be, doing exactly what he needed to do. It would have scared him, if this state of mind had allowed such feelings.

Walking through the big, faintly lit living room that even as it was stuffed with top-notch high-tech things managed to look spacious and elegant, Sasuke wondered if maybe everyone had left and he was alone in the apartment. It didn’t sound very likely, but it was that quiet. Rounding the huge couch, built for something like eight big guys, Sasuke left the living room for the darker hallway and followed it until he reached the light at the end that was the kitchen.

Before he could see the feet propped up on the chair a rustle of paper came and told him that he wasn’t all alone. Sitting at the table, hiding behind an issue of one of the big city newspapers was Jiroubou. Sasuke didn’t need to see his face to identify him. No one else had legs that size around here.

“Hey,” Sasuke said.

“Hey,” the man said and paper rustled again as he dropped it to his chest. His smile was warm and friendly. “The Sleeping Beauty. I thought you’d miss the sunset.”

Jiroubou nodded toward the window; left the paper on the table and got off his chair.

“Come, sit down, I’ll fix you some dinner. The Boss told me to make sure you ate.”

“Thanks,” Sasuke said. He usually declined when people he came to visit offered to cook just for him, but this was a special case. He was hungry, home was too far away and he didn’t want Jiroubou to get in trouble with “the Boss”. The man smiled and said ‘sit down’ again as he moved to the other side of the kitchen where he started rummaging around in the cabinets and the refrigerator.

Sasuke was happy he hadn’t missed the sunset. The window in the kitchen covered almost the entire wall and framed one of the greatest views in the city. When the sky was clear you could see the sun drop into the horizon and color the sky and the clouds in every version of red there was to find.

“Here.”

Sasuke looked up just in time to see the apple come flying and to catch it.

“Have that for now,” Jiroubou said and continued to fiddle around at the counter. “I can hear your stomach growling. If the Boss came home to find me letting you starve he’d kill me. Or would you rather have some grapes?”

“This is fine,” Sasuke said, gave a small smile and hoped Jiroubou wasn’t serious. When you said ‘the Boss would kill me if...’ around here, you could actually really mean kill. Still, Sasuke felt Kakashi had always overreacted about this place. The people were nice. Yeah, they were a bit violent partying, and merciless toward enemies; but you could walk away from the parties and it was a long time ago since Sasuke had been enemy. It was a rougher kind of nice than the small town version. They didn’t bake cookies or cinnamon buns and invite their neighbors for tea. It was more of a ‘let’s beat some people up then go back home and drink and laugh and pass out together’ kind of nice, but Sasuke liked that version better. There wasn’t as much pretending involved; hard to keep it up after enough alcohol.

The apple was sweet, red, and the skin tasted slightly of chemicals. Sasuke realized it was his first chemical tasting apple since before the move. A dribble of fruit juice found its way down Sasuke’s hand and he licked it up. His stomach urged him to stop thinking and just eat.

“So how do you like the small town life?”

“It’s okay,” Sasuke said and without thinking much about it. “Once you get used to it. Different.”

“We all thought it was a joke first, you moving away. Hard to imagine Uchiha Sasuke in a place like that. Always thought you belonged in the city.”

“Yeah,” Sasuke looked out the window. “I thought so too.”

“That it was a joke or that you belong in the city?”

After a moment of thinking Sasuke replied softly.

“Both.”

Sasuke wondered how long it would take for him to walk all the way back home if he decided to get up and start right now. He wondered how long Naruto had known that he was missing. Had the blond woken up and realized that Sasuke was missing during the night or had he found out in the morning? With Sasuke’s overgrown nap it didn’t matter, either way Naruto had known for some time. Was he more angry than sad? Did he blame himself? Had he stopped crying yet? Or maybe he hadn’t cried at all. The clouds in the sky were almost orange.

“When will the others be back?” Sasuke said and tore his eyes away from the window.

“Oh, any time now,” Jiroubou said after throwing a glance at the watch. He was cutting up vegetables and placed them on a plate when the size was right. There was a frying pan on the stove with something stew-like bubbling and giving off a scent that made Sasuke’s mouth water. The man poked at it now and then.

“They went out to take care of some business and get something to drink. I think I heard something about a ‘welcome home’ party for you, so enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.”

‘This is not peace and quiet,’ Sasuke thought and threw glance out the window as the sun finally slipped below the horizon. The frying pan was bubbling, the knife was cutting and Sasuke was chewing apple. Behind that the building was humming and outside the building the city was murmuring. Sasuke loved the city, but it could never lose its murmur. It could never be Sachiko-baachan’s place.

‘There will never be peace and quiet here.’

“Still taking every chance to party, I see,” Sasuke said and the man laughed.

“Oh, yes,” he said and put the last of the vegetables on the plate. Taking the frying pan off the stove, he filled the rest of the plate with stew and a thin veil of heat rose from the dish as it was carried across the kitchen and placed on the table in front of Sasuke. Knife and fork and a glass of water came soon after and Jiroubou smiled proudly.

“That stew is godsend,” he promised. Then he grabbed his newspaper and sat down at the table again, opposite Sasuke. The world was slightly darker outside.

Sasuke’s eyes had to close as the taste and warmth spread through his awareness. So good. He struggled to not eat too fast. The apple had only served to make his stomach more impatient.

He knew he felt bad, sitting here eating godsend stew when Naruto was worried and angry because of him. He knew he felt bad, but as with everything else, the feeling was too far away for him to really feel it. The skin was left behind, his life was not here. Sasuke found himself wondering, as he let fork after fork of stew past his lips, if there would come a point when the skin he had left behind would dry up and die away. Was there a point when he couldn’t go back anymore?

When Sasuke realized what he was thinking it felt like he had been stabbed with a knife in the heart and his hand abruptly stopped moving. Even his heart stopped for a moment.

That was the reason he was here, wasn’t it? He had left a skin behind and never gone back for it. He hadn’t known it could disappear and that it would hurt so much when it did.

“But it’s not ‘welcome home’, is it?”

Jiroubou spoke softly, but Sasuke flinched as if he’d yelled. Suddenly, for a second, it felt like he was back again, back with his skin surrounding him and in his life and he just wanted to scream and curl into himself. Jiroubou saw nothing. He was hiding behind important happenings in the city and didn’t see Sasuke shaking as his hand gripped the fork so hard his knuckles got white.

Naruto hadn’t seen anything either.

“You’re not here to stay, are you?” the paper rustled and Jiroubou frowned as he glanced over the edge of it.

Sasuke shifted, just to force himself out of immobilization and into breathing again and he felt breath return to his lungs. He knew he hadn’t really been back. As the constricting, gut-wrenching feeling ran away, he knew that was just a hint of it. The skin, life and Naruto were still far away. At the moment it felt impossible to go back. Even if there was a time limit to all of this, only so many seconds and hours he could stay here before he could never go back, there was no way he could return now.

“It’s good,” Sasuke said and nodded toward the stew. There was something odd about his voice. He didn’t know if it had ever sounded like that before.

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