Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: December 4th 2006, Monday
second version: November 7th 2008, Friday

Full version

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There are emotionally heavy events taking place in this chapter and I want to warn sensitive readers, just in case. Be careful with this one.

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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47: His slightly oversized autumn jacket

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About half way through math on Friday afternoon, the door to the classroom opened and a woman with glasses peeked inside. She smiled to the teacher, checked the bundle of paper she was carrying and then looked out toward the class.

“Uchiha Sasuke?”

Everyone’s eyes turned to him and Sasuke closed his books and got up. The woman smiled warmly.

“Lucky you, huh?” she joked and raised her brows. “Getting out of math. Come with me.”

Sasuke left his desk and followed her out the door.

“I hated math when I was your age,” the woman said as they walked through the corridor. “Wasn’t smart enough. Not for law either. I wanted to be a lawyer, but I got stuck with this instead. Pleased to meet you, Sasuke. I’m Itoh Kyoko. Call me Kyoko.”

She held out her hand, still smiling and still walking. Sasuke took it and said ‘okay’.

‘This’ was student guidance counseling. Even though she herself had failed, Itoh Kyoko was going to help students become what they wanted to be, or something like that. She had a small office next to the school nurse’s, but worked at two other schools beside this one so she wasn’t always there. As it was important for the students to know where they were going in life, it had been decided that they should meet with the student guidance counselor at least once a year for a talk; and as no one thought they would go willingly, a schedule had been set up to make sure it happened.

Kyoko opened the door to her office and let Sasuke in first.

“So!” she said cheerfully and dropped her papers on her desk. She sat down in the comfortable-looking armchair behind it and gestured at the not so comfortable-looking normal chair in front of it. “Take a seat. Don’t be nervous, I’m not biting.”

As if Sasuke wasn’t used to talking with people he barely knew about things he’d rather not talk about. His plans for his future were nothing compared to the things he’d been asked to discuss before. Though he had sat on more comfortable chairs.

“So you’re great ninja sidekick?” Kyoko said.

“Apparently,” Sasuke muttered. And apparently professional secrecy didn’t apply to student guidance counselors.

This Friday their class had been scheduled to talk about their futures. How Uchiha and Uzumaki had ended up on different sides of lunch Sasuke didn’t want to know, but Naruto had already met with Itoh Kyoko. He had told Sasuke that he had told her that he wanted to become the greatest ninja ever when he grew up, and have Sasuke as his sidekick. Okay, so he wanted to make a joke out of the meeting, Sasuke could understand that, but why ninja? Weren’t they supposed to be all quiet and sneaky and shit? It was impossible to not notice Naruto. Naruto had claimed that if you were good enough you didn’t need to be sneaky as a ninja and they were cool. ‘Who doesn’t wanna be a ninja?’ Though Sasuke had to admit that Naruto’s ninja fake future plan was fairly harmless. Gaara had been met with Kyoko earlier in the week and apparently told her that he wanted to become an executioner.

“I’ve heard that the pay is great,” Kyoko winked. “And it should be, with the whole risking-your-life-on-a-daily-basis thing.”

“Could we get this over with?” Sasuke said.

“Right,” Kyoko’s smile faded and she cleared her throat. “Sorry. So what do you have planned for the future, Sasuke?”

‘Because I have to have something planned, right?’ Sasuke thought. He didn’t have anything planned. He thought about it now and then but always stopped when he came to ‘I don’t like anything enough to do it for the rest of my life,’ because it felt too depressing to keep going. Though saying that to Kyoko was like saying ‘yes, I’d love to spend the rest of the day in this very uncomfortable chair even though I don’t really mind math.’

“I’ve thought about becoming a psychologist,” Sasuke said.

It was true! He had thought about it. Once. He and Shikamaru had been very drunk and quite giggling.

“I know how it is. I wouldn’t just pretend to know because I’ve read it, I would know, and I think that really helps.”

That was what he’d said to Shikamaru too that time, though with more giggling and slurring. Yeah, it was very cheesy and pathetic, and wrong too. Sasuke wouldn’t have wanted some former mental case to help him out when he was sick. Even that time, that drunk, about ten seconds after he’d said it he’d started laughing.

But that was the point! It was pathetic enough that Kyoko would see it was a joke and laugh a little before letting him get back to class, just like with Naruto and that crazy ninja idea. Or the lady would actually buy it and let him go with some pamphlets from good psychology schools. Talk done, thank you, oh the sorrow I have to go back to math.

Kyoko looked at him for a moment and Sasuke tried to look serious. He was good at looking serious. Then the lady sighed and started looking through her papers.

“You know, Sasuke,” she said. “I’ve looked at your grades and I think you’re a really clever guy. I’m sure that if you put your mind to it you could be whatever you want to be.”

“But not a psychologist?”

Kyoko sighed again.

“I’m just saying that you should do what you love, not what you think that you should be doing. Would the world really go under without another shrink?”

The lady threw her arms out and Sasuke’s frown deepened.

“Probably not,” he said hesitantly and wondered if this happened to everyone.

“So! What do you love most in the world, Sasuke?”

Sasuke couldn’t stop frowning. ‘Drinking,’ his mind said. ‘Smoking. Sleeping. Kissing. Music.’ But he couldn’t tell the student guidance counselor that he wanted to be fat alcoholic with lung cancer when he grew up, that wasn’t a profession. Unless he added the kissing and became a prostitute as well. A ‘kisses only’ prostitute. But he didn’t want that! And what was that about drinking and smoking anyway? He hadn’t been drinking for months and wasn’t he trying to quit the smoking?

“I... I don’t know,” Sasuke said and tried not to be frustrated. He did not want another individual that could make him a virgin when he was experienced, especially when it was over something as silly as his... his future.

“Come on!” Kyoko groaned. “There has to be something.”

Who was the idiot that decided students needed counseling anyway? It was pointless, who planned for their future these days? It wasn’t like you wouldn’t know what you’d ended up with when you got there. Damn. What else had been on that ‘things I do’ list in his brain, besides stupid crap things like kissing and smoking?

“Uh, music...?” Sasuke managed finally. Kyoko’s eyes lit up like someone had set fire to them.

“Music!” she exclaimed and stood up. “You’re a rock star! You’ve got the looks, the mysterious background and the attitude, it’s perfect! You’re the gorgeous poet with a wounded soul, secretly longing for love and expressing yourself through sound, the only words you trust to convey your true feelings. Do you write?”

Sasuke coughed and stood up as well, hoping it would get him closer to leaving.

“No... Uh, not yet.”

“You should!” Kyoko hurried around and desk and grabbed Sasuke’s shoulder. Sasuke hoped those weren’t tears glimmering in her eyes. “It would be beautiful, I just know it.”

“O-okay,” he said and forced out a weak smile. She smiled and a tear did fall down her cheek.

“Thank you,” she said, threw her arms around Sasuke’s neck and half-sobbed in his ear. “I’m happy to have met to you.”

Before he knew quite what had happened, Sasuke was walking back towards the classroom, feeling slightly confused and unsure of whether that meeting had really taken place. The corridor was silent around the sound of his steps. Rock star? He didn’t even like rock. Maybe if it was industrial... It was better than being a ninja sidekick.

-

“I could totally see you as a rock star,” Naruto said.

Friday afternoon had turned to evening. Sasuke and Naruto were sitting at the table in the kitchen in Naruto’s house, eating the dinner Iruka had left for them.

“Though, I suppose it would be tiring with all the fans,” he continued and thought for a moment. “Not that I don’t trust you!”

“I told you, I’m not gonna be a rock star,” Sasuke muttered.

“What’s wrong with being a rock star? Rock is cool. You listen to rock, don’t you?”

“No,” Sasuke snorted as if the mere suggestion was offensive. And it sort of was. Rock was not his thing. “But that’s not the point. I don’t want to be a star.”

Naruto grinned and he elbowed Sasuke in the ribs, lovingly, or something.

“Don’t be like that,” he said. “I know you like the idea. Kyoko is great, isn’t she?”

“She thought your ninja idea was perfect, didn’t she?”

“Yeah!” Naruto stabbed a potato with his fork and held it up, trying to look menacing. “She said I’d make a great ninja. I’ve got all the right skills.”

“If you say so,” Sasuke muttered. Maybe ‘ninja’ was code for something else in the student guidance counselor business. Or maybe Kyoko wasn’t very serious with her work; or maybe she was crazy.

“And I would gladly make you my sidekick if you ever get tired of being a star. Of course, you get to be my love slave too. I didn’t tell Kyoko about that, but it’s a given.”

Sasuke kicked Naruto hard on the shin for that and the blond wailed in pain and almost choked on the potato he had finally decided to eat. Oh yeah, definitely an excellent ninja.

This was their first real conversation since they had left school. They hadn’t been angry at each other or anything, just... just not really talking. Naruto had been normal at school, smiling and loud and himself, but he’d changed as soon as they got on the bus home. It had become awkward, because of that stupid decision.

Sasuke hated that decision. Why the hell did they have to decide something like that? ‘Let’s do it tomorrow’? It felt like a business meeting or something, like one of his Tsunade appointments. Wasn’t it supposed to be more spontaneous? More about feelings you can’t control? Sasuke itched on the inside. Part of him was frustrated. What if it was just about having the opportunity? ‘The parents are gone! Let’s do it!’ Sasuke didn’t want it to be about the parents being gone. And when did they become the parents anyway? It was Kakashi and Iruka. Kakashi and Iruka!

Sasuke wanted to say something; something like ‘let’s do it on Monday instead,’ or ‘let’s just not plan it.’ ‘Let’s skip school one day when it gets warmer and get on a bus. We’ll close our eyes and hold hands until we come across a stop that feels right. We’ll get off and find the nearest remote location and do it then and there. Let’s do that instead, come on. We’ll not go if it rains.’

Why had Sasuke agreed to decide in the first place? He didn’t remember. He watched as Naruto continued eating his dinner and came up with ninja moves with his fork and his knife, and he couldn’t remember why. It was not that he didn’t want to, not that he didn’t like Naruto, it was just... It felt weird. He thought he would have felt older. Sasuke thought that when his life would come to involve things like this, plans like this, he would feel different. He would feel more mature, more grown-up; more experienced and less virgin. He realized of course, that he would always be a virgin the first time and that some nervousness and inexperience was supposed to be there, but you could be a cool and relaxed virgin. You could be mature about it, you didn’t have to be awkward and unknowledgeable. Really, besides the most basic basics, Sasuke didn’t know shit about stuff like that. He knew how, he wasn’t stupid; he knew what went where and that stuff. But he didn’t know how. Sasuke had always assumed that when he was ready...

(No. No, no, no, not ‘ready’. Sasuke hated that word. He hated those lines in movies, ‘I’m ready.’ ‘Are you ready?’ ‘Are you sure you’re ready?’ Like they had practiced and studied and practiced some more and finally came the test. Stupid.)

When Sasuke was at the point in his life where sex was an issue, he had always assumed that he would know how to do it. Was he supposed to have studied? Did Naruto know how to do it? If neither of them knew, what was going to stop this from ending up like the attempt he and Neji had had those years ago? Really... How could Sasuke not have studied after what happened with Neji?

“I’m taking one of those,” Naruto said, his fork hovering over Sasuke’s potatoes. Sasuke shrugged.

“Fine,” he said.

But instead of stabbing into the thing like he had prepared for, Naruto lowered his hand and leaned closer; Sasuke was looking out the window and saw in the corner of his eye.

“Are you okay?” Naruto asked. “You’ve barely eaten a thing.”

Sasuke kept thinking about what Iruka had said, about them being kids, about them only thinking they were grown up. Sasuke didn’t know if he thought he was grown up.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m just not hungry.”

That was sort of a lie. Sasuke was hungry, a part of him was very aware of how hungry he was, but he didn’t really feel hungry. His stomach didn’t growl and didn’t hurt, and he didn’t feel like eating. He knew he probably should, but didn’t feel like it.

Naruto laughed a little suddenly, softly.

“I eat when I’m nervous and you don’t eat when you’re nervous,” he said and now he was looking out the window; Sasuke knew because he turned his head to look at him. They were sitting side by side at the table; Naruto closest to the door and Sasuke on Naruto’s right side. “It’s funny. And kind of sweet, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke half said, half mumbled, though he didn’t know if he thought it was.

“Hey!” Naruto looked away from the window again. “I know! Let’s watch a movie and pretend we’re not doing anything special today. ”

‘Wouldn’t it be better to just get it over with?’ Sasuke’s mind said. It wasn’t like a stupid movie would take his mind off anything. But they ended up watching a movie; the early evening movie that had just started when Naruto turned on the TV. It was something stupid, as Sasuke had predicted. Some family thing about a miniature pig that, with some help from the kids who owned her, had to save a small town from a couple in suits wanting to build a mall. Not even Naruto was laughing.

Sasuke was wrong though. The movie did sort of take his mind of things. Not at first, but after a while. It wasn’t as if he forgot about it, more like the nervousness got numb and didn’t bother him so much. About halfway through the movie Naruto threw himself at Sasuke and cuddled close, wrapped his arms around and nuzzled into Sasuke’s neck. He smiled and mumbled that he had forgotten they were supposed to cuddle. Sasuke realized he had forgotten that too.

It was weird. The last two weeks they hadn’t been as all over each other as they had been before. After that making up thing that Monday before that Tuesday in school in the girl’s bathroom they hadn’t done much at all; the hug in the shower yesterday had been the most advanced and that hadn’t been anything really. Not that they usually did a lot of advanced things with Kakashi and Iruka and school and whatever, but they used to do as much as they could.

Except this week. Sasuke wanted to say that it was Naruto’s fault because he hadn’t started anything when usually he always did; but that was unfair and stupid because Sasuke was just as much a part of this. Maybe it was the foreboding sex thing that had been there since they found out about the weekend without parents, that both made sense and didn’t make sense; knowing they were going to be very close soon made them not do the little close things. They had cuddled (which mostly meant that Naruto cuddled and Sasuke was cuddled), kissed a little, held hands and cuddled some more. It was like they had suddenly become this boring ‘married for years and retired’ couple.

Now Naruto cuddled close, like he had cuddled close all week; without really doing anything.

“I didn’t think it would feel like this,” Sasuke said quietly.

“Me neither,” Naruto mumbled and Sasuke felt they both knew exactly what they were talking about. Naruto moved even closer. He was half, if not all the way, into Sasuke’s lap. His hands were warm and it felt nice. It felt better when they were like that, the whole planned sex thing. A feeling was slowly taking form in Sasuke’s stomach. A feeling that whispered ‘what does it matter anyway? It’s us. No matter when or where or how, it can’t be wrong because it’s us.’ Sasuke felt pathetically emotional.

“I’m sort of happy about it though,” Naruto continued. “Happy that it’s not what I expected. You know, I’m really nervous; really, really nervous. But I’m supposed to be, right? If I wasn’t nervous then it would be like it didn’t matter and it does.”

Sasuke hadn’t thought about it like that. It both made it him feel better and worse. It really mattered, didn’t it? It was one of those sappy special couple things that always made Sasuke feel like vomiting, only it didn’t now; or, it did, a little, but mostly it made him feel relieved. ‘I’m not the only one who’s nervous.’ And at the same time and just as much, it made him feel awful. It was that special and he didn’t know about it? Sasuke didn’t feel like it was special. He could use his reason to logically come to the conclusion that it was special. It was something new, something he’d never done before, ‘your first time happens only once’ and all that. But he didn’t feel it. It didn’t feel like something precious and special, it felt like something bothersome, something frustrating and he just wanted it over with so that... it was over with!

It wasn’t really the sex itself he wanted over with. He wasn’t desperate to do it just for the sake of doing it; so he could brag to his friends or not feel like the only virgin or whatever. He wanted the unknowing over with; the worrying, the wondering, the not knowing what it was like and what to do. It hadn’t mattered before, but it did now. The sex thing came with the couple thing, so it mattered now. You couldn’t really get the sex over with anyway. This wasn’t like those vaccine shots you got when you were a kid; you get it once and then it’s fine. This wouldn’t be like that. It was a couple thing, so it was going to come back. It surprised Sasuke to find that the thought of that, of the sex thing being reoccurring and a part of his life, was okay. It felt okay. Well, assuming it was a nice experience, but why wouldn’t it be? Would people do it so much if it wasn’t nice?

Thinking about it like that for a moment scattered Sasuke’s nervousness and replaced it with excitement. He could definitely see himself as a sexually active individual. He liked kissing and touching, so it felt very possible that he would like sex too. The excitement failed to stay for long though and the nervousness took over again. Some part of his brain told him that it probably wasn’t a very good idea to do this now. Right thing and right guy, just wrong time. Another part told him that no matter how hard he studied he would still be a virgin the first time, there would always be nervousness. Better to have it over with and besides, what better way to learn than to just do? Treat it like pulling off a band aid. Do it fast and without hesitation. Or... Maybe not like that, but... there had to be a pulling off a band aid version of sex, right?

It really seemed as though Naruto put more feelings into it and for that Sasuke felt bad. Part of him felt that the blond was just overreacting, but another part felt that maybe it was Sasuke that wasn’t reacting enough.

“And I’m really happy it’s you,” Naruto mumbled, as if he was embarrassed about it. Sasuke felt stabbed, by more relief and more nervousness.

“I’m happy it’s you too,” he said, weakly, when he could form the words. And that he really was. Sasuke had no idea why, but it felt so to the bones right to do this with this overreacting, weird, silly, loud, stupid but sometimes so utterly wise and for some reason incredible sunshine of a guy. Even if it turned out to be an utterly awful experience, it would still be okay because it was Naruto. For a moment Sasuke was so overwhelmed he could cry.

‘I really, really like this guy.’

But he was also haunted by the words and other things kept on repeating in his head.

‘It’s really me who’s doing this. It’s not some other guy I’ve heard about; not some person that doesn’t matter. This is me. Uchiha Sasuke who lost his family when he was five and a half years old, who’s been admitted, crazy and getting better. This is something I chose for me.’

And that thought was scary. For some reason terrifying.

But Sasuke breathed and wrapped his arms around Naruto’s head. He let his mouth find its way through the blond hair, over the forehead and stop just before he reached the nose, to kiss the closed eyelids, rapidly moving because of the blue eyes behind them. Naruto sighed and his arms wrapped harder around Sasuke; it hurt a little but it was fine. It was nice.

“Come on, let’s go,” Sasuke said before his self could realize what it meant and stop him. ‘Better to get it over with,’ something said inside of him and that part was so determined all of a sudden, so strong. There was nothing more to say, it seemed. Nothing more to think.

Naruto flinched, and then he nodded against Sasuke’s lips. They got off the sofa and went upstairs. Sasuke walked first.

As some part of Sasuke had probably guessed, the nervousness faded as soon as his mind was really made up; like during the movie before the cuddling and talking. The nervousness was still there, but it had gone numb; had been pushed aside because it wasn’t useful anymore. Not now. It sort of felt like he had taken half a step out of his own body and was watching himself from the outside.

Naruto seemed even more nervous here though, in his room. He fiddled with things; with the bed as he had sat down on it, with his fingers and his hair. He looked around, out the window, at his hands, at the floor. He talked about things like how he was sorry the room was messy even though he had tried to clean it up and laughed weakly ‘what if Iruka and Kakashi come home now? Wouldn’t that be awkward?’

Sasuke didn’t feel like himself when he smiled (or was that smirked?) and walked over to where Naruto was sitting; when he fell to his knees and kissed the blond on the lips. The blue eyes were nervous when Sasuke approached, bordering on terrified, but closed quickly when their lips touched. Sasuke closed his eyes too, after a moment, and pressed his mouth even closer, slipped his tongue between Naruto’s lips as Naruto moved his tongue between his. Sasuke cradled Naruto’s neck between his hands and noticed that Naruto’s hands weren’t touching him yet.

He realized it was like that time; like that first kiss at that sleepover. He wondered if maybe he had been falling already, at that time, without noticing. Things had changed between them after that sleepover, little by little. Sasuke hadn’t been so rude after that and Naruto’s insistence hadn’t been so annoying. When their lips parted and Sasuke opened his eyes again he found Naruto smiling and blue eyes glittering.

“It’s almost like that time,” the blond mumbled. Sasuke had to smile too. It felt better now; the nervousness had fallen asleep, curled in a corner of Sasuke’s heart and while he knew it was there, he didn’t mind it as much when it was sleeping. He could pretend this was just like any other time they’d had alone. Nothing special.

“Yeah,” he answered.

Naruto’s hands lifted from the bed and cradled Sasuke’s face.

“You are the most beautiful thing I know,” he said.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and in the middle of it Naruto kissed him again. Softly at first, then harder. His hands moved down along Sasuke’s neck, under his shirt and Sasuke shivered because the hands were colder than his back. They had been warm before but were colder now. Sasuke slipped his own hands under Naruto’s shirt to reciprocate, but used the more convenient entrance at his waist.

They moved closer. Naruto inched closer to the edge of the bed and parted his legs to make room for Sasuke to inch closer to him. The blond soon tired of the difficulties to move his arms and pulled his hands back only to return them to skin again lower. At the same time his mouth left Sasuke’s mouth and instead fell against Sasuke’s neck. This was the hungriest he’d been all week Sasuke realized; and then he remembered something else.

“Wait,” he said and squirmed, retreated his hands from Naruto’s back and grabbed onto and pulled at the hands on his skin. He panted and frowned when the blond didn’t want to stop.

“Just... Naruto, wait!”

Naruto moaned in misery.

“Whaat?” he whined and pulled his head back to look at Sasuke. He was pouting and panting, looking horribly disappointed and so utterly miserable that Sasuke had to smile.

“Look,” he said quickly, before Naruto could get angry and whine about Sasuke laughing at him. “For once could you just... let me?”

“Let you what?” the blond was still whining, but there was a sliver of curiosity in his eyes. Probably thinking something perverted. Sasuke sighed.

“Just let me... You know, do things! You always do things and... and it distracts me. Could you just let me distract you for once?”

Naruto was frowning, thinking, pouting. He looked sort of embarrassed, like he was sorry for something but didn’t know what it was he was sorry for.

“I don’t get it,” he muttered eventually and Sasuke sighed again, but softer this time.

“Just don’t do anything,” he said and turned on the seduction in his eyes. Spread out his hands on either side of Naruto’s neck and leaned closer again. “Just let me.”

Naruto held his eyes closed for a bit longer than he did when he blinked. Looked a little less disappointed and a little more curious.

“Okay,” he mumbled. “Don’t do anything?”

“Well, you can breathe,” Sasuke said, his mouth hovering for a moment over Naruto’s jaw before closing in to kiss it. “And you can make sounds.”

“Talk?”

Sasuke frowned and thought for a moment, watched how the side of Naruto’s throat twitched as his heart beat, and then kissed the pulsing skin-covered vein softly.

“Fine. And you can let me move you.”

“You’re so bossy,” Naruto giggled and then suddenly let his body fall backwards on the bed, snatching his throat out of Sasuke’s reach just before he could kiss it again. Sasuke glared but the blond was watching the ceiling, grinning stupidly.

“I can’t sit if I can’t use my muscles,” Naruto said.

Sasuke wanted to sigh; he really did. He wanted to sigh and roll his eyes like he always did when Naruto tried to lighten the mood by doing silly things. A part of Sasuke wanted to just go with it and let things get silly; but another, much stronger part of him was protesting. This was his thing. It was Sasuke’s thing for now and Sasuke didn’t want silly. He wanted Naruto distracted and so into reacting that he couldn’t act. If the blond had the time and capacity to play around, Sasuke wasn’t doing things well enough. So instead of sighing and rolling his eyes and muttering that Naruto was stupid, Sasuke kept his determined/seducing look and began to crawl up onto the bed, using the blond as his ladder. When Naruto’s eyes turned away from the ceiling and back to where they should be, Sasuke met them and was pleased to find the silly-streak running away.

“Really?” Sasuke mumbled and Naruto swallowed before he nodded without seeming to be entirely sure of what it was that he agreed to. Sasuke noticed impatience in his eyes, mixed in there with curiosity and surprise, but the blond behaved. Sasuke had to smirk. He made sure to use the journey, pressed his body against Naruto’s and moved slowly. They had moved against each other like this before, with clothes and without them, but this was different, Sasuke noticed. He stopped with his face hovering over Naruto’s, his hands in the mattress close to Naruto’s sides and his knees hugging Naruto’s hips; legs folded. The blond’s breathing could be heard, because the room was quiet or because the breathing had grown louder; his chest rose and fell. He was excited. Sasuke was pressed close enough to his crotch to feel it. Definitely feel it. Wasn’t Naruto awfully easy to please? Or maybe Sasuke was just that special?

For a moment he let them stay like that. Just watching. Just feeling. Then he leaned down slowly and kissed Naruto’s lips. The blond kissed him back, hungrily; as if to make up for all the things he couldn’t do. Feeling his eagerness, Sasuke was even more impressed by how well-behaved he was. When Sasuke pulled away Naruto followed as far as he could, and when he couldn’t follow anymore he whined and licked his lips, breaking a string of saliva that had connected them. His eyes were glazed over and he looked stupid; not quite unlike that time at the kitchen table the first day they met. But still so many things were different now. He was lying down, he was blushing and he was hard, had grown even harder. It was interesting to feel it like this. Sasuke found himself thinking that they should do it like this sometime. Sex.

Sasuke was pretty sure he was blushing too, a little, because it was nice; and he was hard too. The part of him that was half a step out of his body was thinking he should be more embarrassed, more uncomfortable, because of where he was sitting. ‘And what the fuck am I doing?’ But the part that decided things at the moment wasn’t thinking those things. It was just thinking it was nice. And Naruto was so distracted. Sasuke smiled and the blond didn’t seem to even think about getting upset about it. He just closed his eyes for a moment and swallowed and talked.

“Why haven’t you done this before?” Naruto said, sounding both disappointed and curious. And a bit silly.

“I told you,” Sasuke mumbled; wondered silently what kind of mood this was that he was in and how long the nervousness would stay asleep. “You always distract me.”

“Maybe you’ve been right all this time and I really am stupid,” Naruto sighed. “I like this you.”

“I can tell,” Sasuke said and chuckled softly. He moved his hips down. Naruto closed his eyes and his blush got worse, or better, stronger? What was the word again? Increased? Who would care? Sasuke grabbed his shirt and slipped it over his head; leaned back and let it fall to the floor. Naruto watched him and his fingers were really itching by now.

‘I’m really that nice to look at?’

‘Am I really this bold?’

‘Is this really me?’

Sasuke moved closer again and kissed the slightly open mouth beneath him, felt the tongue and the lips and the breath. And heard it. And felt the scent. Both their scents were easier to notice when they were close like this. Sasuke wondered what Naruto was feeling, what he was thinking. Hopefully he wasn’t capable of thinking anything.

‘Don’t think about anything but how nice it is to have me here.’

Sasuke was smiling when he pulled back this time and dropped his hands to Naruto’s waist to grip at the shirt still on him. He worked the fabric up the blond’s back and watched closely as his stomach was revealed. It moved; muscles working under the skin. He wasn’t quite squirming but almost. Sasuke wondered if his own stomach looked this fascinating to Naruto. It was strange how simple things got fascinating just because it was them and a situation like this; how every little thing became interesting and precious. Really... How could Sasuke have missed this part of being together? How could he have missed this fascinating journey of exploration? How could Naruto have not told him about this? Maybe he wanted it to keep it to himself, or maybe he just hadn’t thought about it as something to share. Sasuke found himself thinking that if what he felt now was what Naruto used to feel when he was the one doing things, did Naruto feel now like Sasuke used to feel?

‘No... It’s not that I’m nice to look at. It’s that it’s me and that it’s us. That’s why his fingers are itching and my lips are too. It’s special because it’s us.’

‘This has to be me. There are too many feelings for me to be missing.’

The undressing was interrupted as the urge became too strong to ignore and Sasuke kissed the skin hiding the muscles on the not quite squirming stomach. He smiled and felt strangely calm, strangely at peace. He slipped his tongue along the skin and tasted. Naruto moaned and whined, breathed and moved; was really squirming now. Sasuke found himself addicted; kissed and tasted and undressed more and more until the shirt had to go.

“Help me get this off,” he then mumbled against the skin and tugged at the shirt. Naruto whine-moaned and pushed his back off the bed as Sasuke sat up and worked the fabric off him. When Naruto’s head slipped out of the shirt and his hair dropped back into place, the blue eyes looked into Sasuke’s and Sasuke had to stop. The mood was changing all of a sudden and they stayed like that. Sasuke realized he was grateful; he was so grateful suddenly that it would have scared him if he hadn’t been so calm. He wanted to stay like this; calm and together like this, showering each other in endearing words without saying anything at all. Then Naruto swallowed and Sasuke almost smiled before he had spoken.

“I... I want more,” the blond said, and seemed sorry. But Sasuke smiled. He knew what that felt like.

“I know,” he said and leaned closer. “It’s frustrating, isn’t it? You want to do something, but you’re so caught up in everything and... and it’s nice. You don’t want to lose it.”

Naruto licked his lips and nodded.

“Can I touch you? Just a little.”

“Yeah.”

A hand lifted and of all the places to touch, it chose Sasuke’s cheek. It slipped under the bangs and touched slowly and softly, softly. Sasuke closed his eyes. How could the mood have changed so quickly from that to this? It made no sense.

“You know,” Naruto said, or mumbled; his voice weak and shaking slightly. “I’m so scared I’ll lose you. I keep telling myself that even if I do I’ll just get you back, but I’m scared anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared.”

Sasuke looked at him and found the blue eyes glittering with the beginning of tears. When he saw that Sasuke had noticed Naruto sniffled and pulled his hand away. Left the skin cold.

“Sorry,” the blond mumbled and looked away for a moment. Clenched his hand and pressed it to his chest.

“There was a time when I didn’t think I’d ever get to have anything again,” Sasuke said, feeling an overwhelming urge to talk even though it made no sense. When had the mood changed to this? Where was the hunger?

“I thought that I’d be alone until I died,” Sasuke continued. “And it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t painful. I was grateful because it meant I wouldn’t lose anything more.”

Naruto looked surprised and sad. Sasuke felt sad too.

“When I realized that I was starting to care for Kakashi I was terrified,” he said. “I thought that the world would feel that I cared and take him away from me. I ran away from home. It was one of those stupid things I had promised myself I would never do because I’m too smart to think it will solve anything, but that time I did it anyway. I didn’t really have a plan, I just left in the middle of the night. It was raining and it was cold; almost winter. So stupid.”

It was not a happy memory, but Sasuke had to smile softly anyway. It felt like such a long time ago.

“Kakashi found me before the night was over, wet and freezing; I was hiding in this shelter for bikes next to an apartment complex. I had a horrible cold after that. Kakashi pretended like nothing was wrong though. ‘There you are, Sasuke!’ he said and grinned and hauled me off the ground, wrapped me in his jacket and carried me home. It was the first time he carried me; I was too cold to protest. I remember I was amazed by how strong he was. How easily he lifted me up.”

Naruto sat up and his arms reached out and wrapped around Sasuke. Pulled them closer together. The blond’s cheeks were wet where his tears had fallen. So sentimental, but maybe he could be. Sasuke rested his head on Naruto’s shoulder.

“Nothing ever happened after that though,” Sasuke said. “I worried that the social workers would think Kakashi was a bad parent for letting me run away like that, but nothing happened. We just kept on living. The world didn’t take him away.”

“I know I’m being silly,” Naruto mumbled into Sasuke’s hair. “I just really, really care about you.”

Sasuke sighed; not a frustrated sigh or an annoyed sigh, but one that said ‘I know’ and ‘it’s okay’. Naruto hugged him harder. It felt nice. More than nice, it felt... Them together like this, close, close like this was... It was like drinking something taken straight from the refrigerator when it was so hot you could barely think. It was like finally reaching a heated home after a long walk in January in shoes made for July. It was like sleep when you were so exhausted you almost passed out. It was like hearing a song you’d waited and waited and waited to hear.

Sasuke must have fallen asleep because when Naruto said his name it felt like he woke up. How he could have fallen asleep in the first place was a mystery, unless he had been very tired without noticing. It could have been the tension running away. With a snivel and a soft flinch, Sasuke came back to consciousness. His stomach and his eyes felt like they had been sleeping and his legs were complaining. Was that drool on the shoulder next to his mouth? His back was sort of cold. He was still half-naked, wasn’t he?

“What?” Sasuke mumbled when he remembered why he woke up; swallowed and suppressed a yawn.

“Are you asleep?”

Sasuke blinked and struggled to keep his eyelids from falling back down. Wondered if he had been snoring or anything?

“No.”

Naruto gave a soft half-giggle, half-snicker.

“Okay,” he said. His hands were in Sasuke’s hair and his mouth found Sasuke’s temple. “We can sleep if you want to.”

Sasuke frowned. Naruto might have said ‘we can sleep’ but his tone very clearly said ‘we don’t have to do this now.’ Like Sasuke would be okay with having gone through all that worrying for nothing just because he’d managed to fall asleep. What was it with this guy and Sasuke losing his consciousness anyway?

“You don’t want to anymore?” he said.

“No,” Naruto hurried to say. “I mean, yes, I do, I was just... I was just thinking that maybe you... Maybe you’re tired or...”

“Maybe I don’t want to anymore?”

“Um... well...”

Sasuke knew that part of him wanted to say ‘okay, yeah. I did. I never really wanted to in the first place’. But that part of him was sleeping now and the rest of him wanted to; had wanted to all the time.

“I didn’t change my mind,” Sasuke said. Pushed away from Naruto’s shoulder to look into his worried blue eyes. “I want to.”

‘Get it through your thick skull already,’ he thought, but wasn’t sure if he was aiming it to Naruto or himself.

They stayed like that, just watching each other and at first it seemed silly; but then the hunger that had slipped away at some point before came crawling back. They looked into each other eyes and it came back and pushed sleep away from Sasuke. It was a tension first; a change in the air. It was something in Naruto’s eyes and something in Sasuke’s chest. Then it could be heard in their breathing; and felt; as their muscles moved without their commands, twitched and trembled. When their lips finally met it was as if they had been kissing for hours already without getting tired of it, with hunger, starvation. They were tasting and sharing; playing, teasing and chasing. Touching. Naruto pulled back quickly though; too quickly for the hunger that Sasuke knew he felt. He ran a hand through Sasuke’s hair and looked bothered suddenly.

“What?” Sasuke frowned.

“I have to... there’s...” a blush was creeping onto the blond’s cheeks. “Just hang on a second!”

Naruto wriggled his legs out from under Sasuke and pulled away. Sasuke’s frown deepened when he was left alone on the bed as Naruto hurried over to the other side of the room and started rummaging around in one of his wardrobes. Sasuke was just about to express his dissatisfaction when he suddenly realized what the blond was talking about. He sort of blushed a little himself, and felt stupid; he hadn’t thought about that at all. Sasuke looked away from Naruto and cleared his throat. He hastily unmade the bed that for some reason had been made when it usually never was, just to have something to occupy his hands with. The nervousness was starting to wake up. Damn. How could he not have thought about that?

When Naruto started messing around with something sounding like plastic and closed the wardrobe again, Sasuke looked back to him. The blond was blushing even more now and seemed to hesitate, gripping a small, red bag in one hand. His hair was messy and despite everything Sasuke had time to think that he looked good like that; very nervous and embarrassed, but good. Handsome. Naruto was watching the bag in his hand, then he made up his mind it seemed, took a deep breath and walked back to the bed with determination in his steps. He sat down in front on Sasuke with his legs crossed and placed the bag between them.

“We will need some things,” he said, and sounded frighteningly much like their chemistry teacher when he explained their experiments in class.

“Yeah,” Sasuke said and wondered if he should look at the bag or at Naruto or maybe at something else. The blond was hesitating again, nervous; he was watching the bag as if it would jump up and bite him any moment now. His hands were on his knees and he was very slightly rocking back and forth, probably without noticing. There was an awkward silence for a moment. Even if he didn’t know where he should be watching, Sasuke’s eyes had locked on the bag too. Then without warning Naruto quickly grabbed the red plastic and poured the bag’s contents out before tossing the thing away. Sasuke heard it fluttered away toward the floor but didn’t pay much attention to it. Naruto probably didn’t either. The colorful collection that had scattered between them seemed a bit more interesting; or maybe a bit more embarrassing.

“I didn’t know which ones to get,” Naruto said and his voice sounded a bit strange. “The book didn’t say, stupid book, so I couldn’t make up my mind and I was in a hurry because there were all these guys from school in the store and... I got a bit carried away.”

“Okay,” Sasuke said. His voice sounded a bit strange too. Amidst the awkwardness that was so thick now that it could probably choke them if it wanted to, Sasuke was relieved. He had not signed up for going through that many condoms. At least he hoped he hadn’t. He hadn’t, right? Then he realized another thing and could tear his eyes from the colors.

“The book?”

“Ah!” Naruto slapped a hand over his mouth and his blush got worse even though that should be impossible. He closed his eyes and groaned as his head fell forward.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered. “I didn’t know anything about these things so... I read this book. Not a bad book! A good book, a... a decent book. I borrowed it at the library from the health and body section.”

“You read a book?”

“A good book,” Naruto mumbled. “I just didn’t want to do anything bad.”

Sasuke had his lower lip between his teeth and he could hear his heart beat. Naruto had studied. Sasuke didn’t know why that made such a difference but it did. Of course, it was good news! Sasuke didn’t know anything so it was good that Naruto did. It was supposed to be good news. Sasuke was suddenly afraid he’d throw up.

“Are you angry?” Naruto said quietly, glancing up at Sasuke from under his hair. Even his hair looked sorry. Sasuke swallowed and shook his head.

“No,” he said.

“Really?”

Sasuke nodded. But he was getting frustrated. Something itched in his chest and for some reason a part of him just wanted to get up and leave. It wanted to just forget this special thing that he suddenly felt like he had already failed at. He hadn’t known it was special, he hadn’t studied and he hadn’t thought about the things they would need. It seemed he was stupid when it came to this. Sasuke sighed.

“So who’s doing what?” he asked, even though that wasn’t really what he wanted to know. He didn’t know what he wanted to know, but that wasn’t it. Naruto looked up, confused for a moment that seemed too short; then he blushed and glanced away.

“Ah, umm...” he fiddled with his pants where they formed waves around his knees. “How... How much do you know about... you know, this?”

Sasuke glared. Naruto noticed.

“I-I mean...! I didn’t know but there are really a lot of things that can go wrong and I don’t want... I mean I...”

The blond threw back his head and sighed in defeat.

“There’s no nice way to say this, is there?” Naruto stared at the ceiling for a moment, then he turned his head down again and looked at Sasuke with determination in his eyes. “I’m not letting you top.”

Sasuke opened his mouth; then he closed it again. He had lost his glare and if he had to guess he would say he looked a mix of surprised and tired of being surprised. He was offended; but he was also actually, strangely thankful. Most of all he was thankful.

“I read that book,” Naruto continued. “And I’m pretty sure you didn’t. I know things you don’t! Unless you read the book, but you didn’t. Right? You didn’t read the book, did you?”

“I didn’t read the book,” Sasuke said.

“So I can’t let you top!”

“You don’t...?” Sasuke began and thought for a moment before he continued. “You don’t think I could have gotten the knowledge from anywhere else?”

“Huh?” Naruto frowned.

“Say, maybe from experience?”

“Wha... What experience?” Naruto looked confused, and he sounded confused. Very confused. Sasuke had to laugh; a weak and half-broken laughter. He put a hand over his face and hoped his eyes didn’t look as wet as they felt.

“You... You’ve done this before?” Naruto’s voice was drenched with what sounded like horror and disappointment. “I thought you... I mean, you said you’ve never...”

“No, no,” Sasuke said, placing one of his hands on one of Naruto’s. “I mean, yes. I said I’ve never and I’ve never.”

Naruto was pouting. Sasuke had to smile; a soft and grateful smile.

“I don’t know anything about this,” Sasuke said. “I didn’t read the book, any book, and I haven’t learned anywhere else. I just thought that maybe... Maybe you thought I had.”

“You told me you hadn’t done it before,” Naruto said.

“I know,” Sasuke said. “But maybe you thought I was lying. With what that guy said when we went to the city, I wouldn’t blame you if...”

Sasuke was interrupted as Naruto threw himself around his neck, almost making him fall and sending condoms flying.

“I’m sorry!” he almost wailed into Sasuke’s neck. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that maybe he was right, I really didn’t mean that.”

Sasuke blinked in surprise; Naruto kept talking.

“For a... For a moment I wondered, but it was a very, very short moment and then I knew he was lying because I know that’s not like you. I didn’t think that maybe he was right when I said that. I wanted to take it back but I was... angry, and then I was ashamed. But I’m really sorry.”

Sasuke lifted his hands, grabbed Naruto’s arms and rested his chin on Naruto’s shoulder. Looked up at the ceiling.

“I didn’t think you meant it,” he said softly, quietly. “I was just... thinking... There was... I was just thinking.”

He didn’t want to say why he had been thinking. He didn’t want to say that there had been rumors flying around in the city about him; false rumors that most people didn’t pay any attention to and while Sasuke had known better than to really care, because there would always be stupid and jealous people out there, somewhere it had hurt anyway; indirectly Sasuke had cared. It had made a difference. But that was not for here and now. Naruto would be upset and for no real reason either; he didn’t want to know and he didn’t need to know. It was not for this night. Sasuke closed his eyes and breathed. Nervous; it tickled the inside of his stomach. Naruto pulled back some and looked at Sasuke.

“I’m really sorry,” he said.

“Okay,” Sasuke said.

They watched each other for some seconds before they kissed; softly at first and then more, hungrier. The nervousness stayed this time. It grew stronger and mingled with the excitement until it seemed impossible to distinguish one from the other. Sasuke found himself clinging to Naruto; not wanting to let go. At the same time he felt stupid and wanted to stop being so emotional and caring. He wanted so many things; and didn’t want just as many.

Sasuke was happy that Naruto had gone back to doing things, to letting his warm hands and his wet mouth wander. The places he touched had been touched before, but it still felt new. Sasuke felt more than he used to feel. Maybe it was the nervousness. Maybe it was the condoms that Sasuke felt here and there; plastic against his skin as he moved and as Naruto finally pressed his weight forward and had them lying down.

At some point Sasuke started trembling, slightly, and found it impossible to stop. His heart started beating faster and he opened his mouth to breathe when he wasn’t kissing. He made sounds. They both made sounds. It was the same sounds as they always made, but somehow they sounded like something Sasuke had never heard before. Strange new moans and sighs and groans and whimpers seemed to echo in the room. It felt in a way like they were in a hurry, or rather, like they were trying to make themselves so busy that they could pretend they weren’t doing what they were doing. They were getting ready. Foreplay, wasn’t it? ‘This is my first foreplay,’ Sasuke’s mind said. But then he considered and had to correct himself. He and Neji had gotten through the foreplay that time, before things got awkward. Neji had not studied.

“Hey,” Naruto whispered. He had moved away from Sasuke’s mouth, down, pressing kisses against and gentle nibbling at Sasuke’s ribs. Now his head was hovering above the place where Sasuke’s ribcage ended.

“I can see your heartbeats,” he said.

“Oh?” Sasuke panted and looked to meet the blond’s eyes. Naruto nodded.

“Right here,” he said, and kissed the place softly. As he did his eyes disappeared behind a gathering of blond hair and Sasuke realized his legs were already spread, with Naruto already nestled between them; he hadn’t even noticed when it happened. Shit. He closed his eyes for a moment and just breathed. Just breathed and felt the lips and tongue against him.

“Can I take these off?” Naruto asked; his words falling on the wet skin and making it colder. His hands tugged at Sasuke’s pants.

“Take off yours first,” Sasuke said and opened his eyes again. Looked at the ceiling, then looked at Naruto. Only Naruto wasn’t looking at him. He had his attention on his pants, fingers already fumbling with the button. Sasuke turned his gaze back to the ceiling and tried to count how many condoms he was lying on. Five? Seven? Did the ones that were just touching him count as well?

Was this really a classic first time case? How many of those stories he’d heard were actually true? Did Naruto really remember to close the door to the fridge before they left the kitchen? The mood had changed again. That there were so many moods to go through for these kinds of things... Sasuke had had no idea. The sound of a zipper was followed by the rustle of cloth and creaks of the bed as Naruto moved around to get his pants off.

‘I never really said he could top, did I?’

The pants fell to the floor, Sasuke could hear it. Then Naruto came back to kiss Sasuke’s stomach, though lower this time; closer to the pants.

“There,” the blond said. “I’m really naked now, there’s nothing more to take off. Are you happy?”

“I’d giggle if I weren’t worried you’d take it the wrong way,” Sasuke snorted. He’d planned for it to sound better when it came out. It was supposed so sound as if he were amused, only he wasn’t. He was nervous. He had almost sounded scared. Naruto snorted too, though he did sound amused.

“So friendly,” he muttered, stuck out his tongue and started working on Sasuke’s pants. For some reason they were easier to take off than Naruto’s had been. Soon Sasuke’s ass was lifted off the bed as the cloth of both his pants and his underwear were pulled over his hips and away from his legs. They were tossed to the floor too.

Naruto moved softly upwards this time, until his lips hovered over Sasuke’s and their bodies were pressed together. Their breaths were mingling. They watched each other for a moment and Sasuke marveled at how blue those eyes were. Marveled at how far away the city felt and how he suddenly didn’t feel nervous at all.

“You’re blushing,” Naruto mumbled and a hint of a smile was on his lips.

“So are you,” Sasuke breathed.

It was close though, the nervousness. Like a storm. There was a storm just outside his world and it would soon be here. It was scary, but at the same time exhilarating. ‘Knock me off my feet,’ Sasuke challenged. ‘I don’t want to be afraid.’

Naruto reached down and kissed Sasuke again. His head was tilted to the side and his tongue soft and slow. A low squishy sound came as they parted and their eyes met again. It felt like they were talking, with their eyes, but Sasuke wasn’t sure about what.

“I need to...” Naruto started and for a moment his eyes didn’t move from Sasuke’s. Then they did, darted toward the side of the bed. “We need...”

‘Oh yeah,’ Sasuke realized. ‘That’. He swallowed and nodded. The nervousness was coming back, creeping closer like dark clouds on the sky; like the hunger had before.

‘What will it feel like?’

Naruto moved away. One hand on the mattress, as if not to put too much of his weight on Sasuke, he leaned over the edge of the bed; reaching under it, or so it seemed, and giving Sasuke an eyeful of his behind in the process. Eventually he hauled himself back onto the bed and looked much more embarrassed than when he had left; though it could be because he had had his head so low. The thing in his hand looked like hair gel, the tube slightly bluish in color while the liquid inside looked clear. Sasuke caught the word ‘SLIDE’ of the title, the rest was hidden behind Naruto’s fingers.

The blond sat down with his legs under him, between Sasuke’s, and Sasuke wondered when his knees had bent. Naruto felt suddenly very far away. There was uncertainty on his face, in his eyes and Sasuke wondered what was in his own. They were doing it now? Already? That was too soon, wasn’t it? Shouldn’t there be more kisses and more touching? A different mood? Where was that blissed-outedness that melted all your sensations together to a goo of pink cloud feeling? This felt... This felt entirely too down-to-earth.

“Okay,” Naruto breathed with eyes closed, as if to himself. The tube cap opened with a snap.

Naruto moved closer; Naruto inched closer slowly. He had started trembling too, hadn’t he? Sasuke had been trembling since he started; it had just calmed down enough that he almost didn’t think about it now and then. A kiss was pressed against the inside of Sasuke’s knee and he flinched. Naruto flinched too; glanced at Sasuke and for a moment looked terrified. Sasuke shook his head and swallowed.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

He felt so stupid; so really, horribly pathetic. If he could just stop trembling, that would be an improvement. Stupid, stupid. He wanted to close his eyes but the ceiling was too interesting, too safe. Sasuke flinched the next time Naruto touched him too. Fuck. He clenched his hands and now he did close his eyes. Pathetic. In his mind he begged Naruto not to say anything. ‘Just get on with it,’ he said in his mind. ‘Don’t mind me and don’t you dare say anything.’

Naruto didn’t say anything. The third touch was an arm thrown around one of Sasuke’s legs, a hand pressed to his hipbone and a big sloppy kiss to the inside of his knee. Naruto used lips and tongue as if the skin was Sasuke’s mouth. Sasuke flinched this time too but he barely noticed himself. Naruto pressed himself closer and didn’t seem so far away anymore. Sasuke’s trembling didn’t seem so violent when they were this close; it didn’t seem to matter so much. The hand not occupied with pressing down on Sasuke’s hip wrapped around him to distract with pleasure and Sasuke realized that he was at least semi-hard. Pleasure was good distraction. He pressed his head back into the pillow and drew in a ragged breath. The pink cloud feeling was starting to creep up on him. Sort of. Hopefully.

‘I want this over with now,’ Sasuke’s mind said, though he wasn’t sure if it had even begun. ‘I want this over with so I can sleep and get away from this consciousness.’

Then he felt Naruto’s fingers. Which hand was that? Sasuke didn’t know and for some reason the lack of knowledge felt very relieving. The feeling of the fingertips fiddling around between his legs was clearer than he wanted it to be. It didn’t feel pink cloud at all.

One finger came in first and it was physically just weird; an odd pressure on the inside of him, of having something there. It seemed hopelessly impossible to relax. Emotionally it was a babbling mass of ‘fuck,’ and ‘okay, that’s not so bad,’ and ‘I want out,’ and ‘come on, get it over with,’ and ‘this moment will never come back again,’ and ‘why the hell do I care?’ With just one finger, the emotional side of things took up most of Sasuke’s consciousness.

At two it went from physically just weird to weird and painful and the emotional stumbled. It lost most voices except ‘fuck,’ and ‘I want out’ and gained a ‘this is what just two fingers feels like?’ There was a cloud around it now, not a very pink one, but there was some sort of mass where world and feelings blended together. At the same time everything felt very clear. Sasuke could feel the touch exactly and how the fingers shifted inside him. He could hear sounds and if he looked he could see Naruto, blushing and not looking at Sasuke’s face. It was like it depended on what part of himself he tried to feel with. One part of him felt everything clearly; another part could only see the cloud.

At three the pain flared up again and Sasuke flinched and squeezed his eyes closed and begged himself to relax. Someone had said that to or around him concerning this, ‘relaxing is important. If you don’t relax you’re screwed.’ Sasuke remembered that someone had retorted ‘no, if you do relax you’re screwed.’ Someone had laughed then. Who was it that had talked about that?

Sasuke thought about stretching after practice when he had fought when he was younger. That was painful, even bordering on intolerable now and then but he knew it wasn’t so he endured. This was like that. ‘It’s just stretching after practice,’ he told himself and with some time he got used to it.

Naruto said something, but Sasuke didn’t hear what it was; he couldn’t distinguish the words. ‘If we stopped now,’ Sasuke thought. ‘Would it count? Will I be a virgin tomorrow if we stop now?’ The fingers were pulled away and now Sasuke felt strange without them. Empty. It felt hot. Warm. All of him felt hot. The hands moved to hold onto his legs and the place on his knee where Naruto had kissed got cold without him. This time when Sasuke looked, Naruto looked back at him. The blond’s cheeks were red and his breathing came through his slightly open mouth. He looked scared and willing.

Sasuke felt suddenly calmer, forced himself to focus on the part of him that was in the cloud. He even managed a smile; a small hint of a smile, but it was very genuine. It felt like before this moment had happened yesterday; the talk and the worrying and the condoms. ‘Oh, yeah...’ Sasuke thought as he remembered.

“Did you remember to put on a condom?” he asked and seemed to jerk Naruto out of some thought or another. The blond looked surprised and confused for a moment and then he swallowed.

“Um, ye- yeah,” he said and gave his lower lips a quick nibble. For a moment Sasuke wondered when he’d had the time for that; then he took a deep breath and let it stay in his lungs for a short moment before letting it out again.

“Okay,” he said; turned his face toward the wall for a moment, then back toward the ceiling. Behind the calm, something felt like it wanted to throw up.

Naruto came closer. Sasuke felt his knees against his skin. The hands on Sasuke’s legs shifted and when they wanted his legs to spread further he let them be spread. One hand reached for Sasuke’s face to stroke fingers against his skin. It was trembling. Sasuke couldn’t tell if his own trembling had stopped or was still there. When their mouths were close enough to kiss Naruto dropped his lips down and kissed. Sasuke kissed him back. The other hand went down between Sasuke’s legs again, or maybe for the first time. Had the fingers touching Sasuke’s face now been the ones inside him before? They were sort of wet. Wetish. Or maybe they weren’t. Then Naruto came even closer and such things ceased to matter.

It was painful. More painful than the fingers. Sasuke inhaled and made some kind of whimpering sound that didn’t suit him as Naruto’s hand half-clenched and unclenched against Sasuke’s cheek.

“Sorry,” Naruto half-mumbled, half-whined, but he didn’t stop. He moved slowly, like a snail here and there and sometimes hesitated, but he didn’t stop.

One part of Sasuke wanted to scream at Naruto to get out and away and give his body back to him. He felt invaded, usurped. It was his body, had always been only his and there had never been any doubt about it, but now it felt like someone other than him laid claims to it. It felt like being robbed of your most essential possession.

Another, more influential part of Sasuke knew that he would feel even more pathetic if the blond stopped now and said ‘okay, let’s just stop. You can’t handle it.’ Sasuke could handle it! It was just sex, come on, people did this all the time; it was nothing you couldn’t handle. Sasuke had fought and wiped the floor with guys who had been able to handle this. Naruto must have known that too. Sasuke told himself that was why he didn’t stop.

As he kept repeating that thought in his head, ‘I can handle it!’ Sasuke heard himself make more weak, whimpering sounds that made him want to amputate his throat. Naruto made sounds too, whimpering ones, but his did not sound weak; his were happy. Naruto had pressed his forehead against the place under Sasuke’s ear. That was sweat running down Sasuke’s cheeks, right? It had to be sweat; for Sasuke’s sanity it had to be sweat. He remembered Iruka saying they were just kids.

There was a wait when they were as close to each other as they could get and connected as deeply as they could be. The pink cloud had gone away and he was left with the raw, clear feeling of all of it. It was not just the pain, it was everything. Everything felt. The world and the feelings had separated from the mass and everything felt. The separation of the feelings was so overwhelming that Sasuke had to grab a hold of Naruto’s shoulders. He had to grip even harder and grit his teeth when the blond slowly started moving.

Sasuke felt stupid. He felt stupid and ugly, inexperienced, weak and pathetic and... He remembered something he’d heard someone say. ‘She was an awful lay. She was just lying there. Might as well have been sleeping. Maybe she was.’ Hadn’t he said that he wanted to do things? Do something? But there was no way to do anything with this. It felt impossible, all he could do was lie there and do his best to keep it together. He could just lie there, feeling and hearing and being moved. Not moving, but being moved. It gave strength to the delusion that his body was not just his anymore.

There... There was something else there with the hurt, something that could have been nice. It was sort of nice, in a dull, ‘I almost can’t feel it’ kind of way. Now and then it flared up, like the pain had done before, to be stronger than just sort of nice and at those times Sasuke forgot that he wanted this over with. He wished he could focus more on those moments, but there were so many other things fighting for his attention. There was the hurt, the awkwardness, the ‘I feel so stupid’ and the ‘I’m seriously not a virgin anymore.’

And there was something else. It was something overwhelming that Sasuke couldn’t quite discern yet, but he knew he would soon; it was quickly crawling closer to the light that was his understanding.

Sasuke closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see more of the ceiling and the strands of Naruto’s hair bobbing as he moved. It was dark for a moment, behind his eyelids.

He heard things more clearly with his eyes closed; their breathing as things kept happening, his breathing and Naruto’s breathing. He heard a soft sticky sound, the rustles of the sheets and the creaks of the bed. The creaks were not very rhythmical and there was some time between them, could have been anything, but it still felt so vulgar. Sasuke had never noticed creaks of a bed like he noticed them now.

Then the overwhelming thing came into the light and Sasuke saw his brother. He was smiling.

-

Itachi stood on the sidewalk, dressed in his slightly oversized autumn jacket; the one with colors of the leaves, brown and yellow and red. The trees following the road were colored in autumn colors and the sky was clear. Yellow, fallen leaves covered the ground.

Itachi was smiling and held out Sasuke’s pale blue car that Sasuke loved but had lost to the insides of their mean neighbor’s yard.

Itachi had gone over the fence and saved it.

-

Sasuke smelled Christmas, the tree and the candles. He felt the warmth of Christmas and saw the lights; the decorations. All the red and white and green and gold and sparkling.

They stood on their knees on the sofa, Sasuke and Itachi, looking out the window. The sky was black and the world would have been dark if it hadn’t been for all the lights people had set up. Their yard was covered in snow and in the middle of it stood the two snow men Sasuke and Itachi had built when it was still daylight. One was smaller than the other and a little crooked; a little brother and a big brother. Itachi had helped Sasuke find stones to decorate his with and had showed him how to roll big balls in the snow.

It was snowing. Their father was coming home soon and when he did they would have dinner and then they would wait for Santa.

Sasuke was so excited he thought he might burst to pieces.

-

Itachi had helped him climb that tree on that field close to their house. Their mother didn’t want Sasuke climbing there because he was too small, but Itachi had helped him anyway; because he was his brother and supposed to help him. The tree had been big but Itachi had helped him and Sasuke hadn’t fallen once.

‘I have the best brother in the world!’

-

Sasuke gasped, a broken, half-sob of a gasp, and tossed his head back, to the side. Away. As far away as he could. He squeezed his eyes shut even harder in a desperate attempt to will the visions and emotions away. It forced tears down his face.

The world was louder, bordering on roaring. It was like the breathing made echoes. And the creaks of the bed and their sounds.

Everything burned; Sasuke’s eyes and his chest and everywhere where he was touched. He was sweating and trembled like he had a fever that was too high. His breathing was panic. The world was panic and pain and too strong emotions that Sasuke didn’t want to feel. It was chaos and just too much.

At the same time one place inside him was quiet and still and calm. One single thought was there. It wasn’t screaming like the other thoughts and not raging. It was quiet and sad.

‘Why doesn’t he notice?’

‘Something is horribly wrong. Why doesn’t he notice?’

Somewhere Sasuke found the awareness and control to turn his head and open his eyes to a world that was blurred. He had to blink before he could really see his own hands holding onto Naruto’s shoulders, Naruto’s throat moving as he swallowed, his head shifting against the ceiling as he moved and moved Sasuke as well, semi-rhythmically. He saw Naruto’s face, muscles tense and sweat glistening on his skin; messy hair. His eyes were closed.

Naruto saw nothing.

Sasuke’s tears stopped falling and the feelings suddenly calmed down. All of them. The trembling that had been running through his body stopped as if they had never been there.

He watched Naruto’s face calmly until the blue eyes squeezed together hard, forehead wrinkling, and with a last desperate whine from the blond, they both stopped moving. Naruto stopped breathing. His face was drenched in bliss, pleasure, paradise, and Sasuke realized he hadn’t completely stopped moving. His hips were twitching and cheeks were red.

When Naruto started breathing again, as suddenly as he had stopped, his face fell closer to Sasuke’s; half-way to it. He whined again, sounding tired, exhausted. He opened his eyes and closed them again; swallowed and panted again. He pressed his forehead against Sasuke’s and panted against his mouth.

Everything was calm. Sasuke could hear his own heart beating and it felt way too rushed for the calm he was feeling. Sasuke felt like he was wrapped in thousands of layers of thin as air and numbing cotton. He wanted to stay that way.

“I’m sorry,” Naruto mumbled, half-panted between his hard breathing. His voice and what he did felt suddenly so foreign. “I got a little... Did... Are you hurt?”

“No,” Sasuke said and it was both the truth and a lie. He wasn’t hurt, but at the same time he was completely torn apart. The flesh was torn from his bones and he was bleeding to death. But that was under the cotton and Naruto would tear it away from Sasuke if he knew. There was no need for him to know. This was nice, this bleeding to death; much preferable to unwinding the layers.

“Really?” the blond sounded relived.

“Yes.”

Naruto pulled back his head and Sasuke could see his blue eyes more clearly. The blond looked relieved, calm and afterglow happy. Sasuke tried to smile and found it was easy. Naruto smiled too. He lifted one of his hands and stroke the back of two fingers across Sasuke’s forehead.

“You’re all sweaty,” Naruto said, his voice soft. He was still panting slightly and still smiling. His eyes were shiny. But he looked older than he was. He looked seventeen. Sasuke was very sure that it was seventeen. ‘I slept with a seventeen-year-old,’ his cotton-wrapped mind giggled and it almost manifested in his throat. Almost. Would have done it if Naruto hadn’t chosen that moment to notice what Sasuke hadn’t even noticed. He looked down between them and said:

“Ah, you didn’t...”

The end of the sentence was blurred out from Sasuke’s hearing with a strange sound that reminded him of something noise-like from one of his albums; like a censor beep in a movie only it was an almost painful noise and not a beep. Sasuke had to frown. For a moment he didn’t understand. Before he could say ‘what?’ though, Naruto wrapped around him and he understood. A ripple of emotions ran through him again, all emotions and all feelings that had been kept away from him. He became aware of what exactly it was that the cotton was protecting him from, why it was so vital, and he panicked. He tried to stay calm, tried to keep the calm and panic at the same time but you couldn’t! It was impossible.

“It... It’s fine,” Sasuke tried and must have sounded desperate, but Naruto frowned and looked frustrated.

“It’s not fine,” the blond said. “This is for both of us. You’re supposed to feel good too. Hang on, I’ll do you.”

Sasuke wanted to scream. Scream and struggle and get away and hide; but there was no time. Naruto’s hand moved and though he didn’t know why, Sasuke was so close. Too close. It felt so good it hurt.

Sasuke was sad; so, so sad for a moment. So sorry.

‘I don’t want to be like this. I want to be someone he deserves. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy.’

Then the peak of pleasure tore through his being and in an instant the covers of cotton were clawed off his skin and burned to nothing. He heard himself whimper. He was left naked again, left feeling and trembling again. His throat and chest and eyes and every muscle in his body burned. He felt Naruto again. Naruto was still there; still inside of him.

Sasuke squirmed on the sheets, moved and tried to keep the sobs from traveling through his throat. He tried to keep them in his chest where they could only burn him. He could not break down here and now. Impossible. No way. He’d rather die.

When the pleasured writhing had stopped and only the trembling was left to move Sasuke’s body, Naruto kissed him. Sasuke’s eyes were closed so he could not see. He didn’t want to see. The lips moved and the tongue slipped into Sasuke’s mouth but Sasuke couldn’t even consider kissing back. He couldn’t move his lips at all, could do nothing except concentrate on breathing and holding back his sobs and his pain.

“You’re so beautiful,” Naruto mumbled against his ear.

Sasuke couldn’t stop thinking about Itachi.

.
.