Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: December 11th 2006, Monday
second version: November 11th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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48: Hear nothing

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On normal days Sasuke didn’t think about Itachi. On the days when Sasuke had to think about Itachi, because it was time to go see him or Tsunade had decided to talk about him, Sasuke always made sure to keep his thoughts and his emotions at an absolute minimum. He never really allowed himself to feel or think them, just gave them enough attention that he realized they were there.

Because he had learned over the years that no matter what he felt for Itachi, it was wrong. No matter what he felt, the feelings weren’t right. It wasn’t wrong because his feelings and thoughts broke some rule that someone had set up, not wrong because someone thought they were inappropriate; it was wrong because it didn’t work. There was nothing he could really feel and still keep his sanity. There were no suitable feelings for Sasuke to carry towards Itachi. There was no coming to terms with his older brother.

The bus ride home from the city that Tuesday had been a quiet one. Nothing had been said after Sasuke had told Naruto about Itachi killing his parents, not until they were already home and Sasuke asked Naruto what he wanted to drink with his toast. He’d wanted milk. Sasuke had had water. They had spent the afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, talking softly and unhurriedly about things that didn’t matter; school and upcoming tests and the fight two girls had had on the school yard the day before. Naruto had said that Lee had a contest on Saturday next week and Sasuke had agreed to come with him. Sasuke told Naruto about the flowers on his plant finally starting to bloom. The red parts hadn’t fully opened yet, but it was still beautiful. Red against white, white against the green leaves.

They hadn’t talked about Itachi or what had happened those many years ago. Naruto hadn’t asked any questions and Sasuke hadn’t shared any more details. There was nothing to say, they both knew that. Sasuke knew there was nothing he could say or Naruto could say that would make things better and nothing that should be said because it was polite. ‘I’m sorry’ would just be stupid and rude and annoying, like saying ‘hey, that’s so sad.’ It was too weak, so it was better not to say it at all. And Sasuke didn’t need comforting. Sasuke hadn’t told Naruto because he needed Naruto to help him deal with it, he had told Naruto because he wanted Naruto to know. He wanted Naruto to know who he was. Naruto had seemed to know too, that there was nothing he could say to make things better and that Sasuke didn’t need any words. Sometimes the blond was so wise it was scary.

After that Tuesday, as the week and a half had passed, Sasuke hadn’t thought about Itachi at all. It was like he’d pushed his brother away and unconsciously pretended he’d forgotten about him. That in itself had been a hint, and of course, Sasuke knew, unconsciously. Itachi was there and would always be; it was just a matter of time before he showed up. Sasuke kicked himself for being stupid. He should have known.

-

Sasuke had the self-control to make it to the bathroom and the toilet before he threw up. There wasn’t much to get rid of; he hadn’t eaten a lot for dinner after all. He had probably known, somewhere, that it would be a disaster and this would happen. It wouldn’t matter if he ate, he’d lose it anyway.

He spat, closed his eyes and felt dizzy; the world was spinning in the darkness, but his head felt strangely empty. Before Sasuke left Naruto’s bed, he had struggled violently against the breakdown. He had struggled against tears, shaking, sobs and pain. It had been so much chaos, so overwhelming and so painful that for a moment he’d thought it would kill him. Part of him had wished it would, kill him off, or at least ship him to unconsciousness; but a bigger part had needed to get away.

Naruto had said something softly as he cuddled close to Sasuke but Sasuke had been too distracted to hear what it was. It hadn’t seemed to be a question though; Sasuke hadn’t said a thing and Naruto hadn’t cared. When the blond’s breathing had even out and his muscles had relaxed enough, Sasuke had left. It had been easier than he thought it would be. Naruto hadn’t noticed a thing.

Now it was like that breakdown was gone, like his body had tossed it out along with dinner. Or maybe it was the distance from the bed, from Naruto; the distance in time. The thoughts and feelings didn’t haunt him now. He was cool, empty again, in control. Or something.

There were the physical things. There was the angry throbbing ache from the sex, more an ache now than outright pain. There was the cold. Sasuke was naked, his skin was covered in sweat and the room and the floor tiles were not warm. It felt better though, to be trembling from cold and not from other things.

Sasuke noticed a stain of left-over pleasure on his stomach and made a face; he pulled a length of toilet paper from the hanger on the wall and wiped it off, tossed it in the toilet and flushed. He watched the water swirl. Naruto had cleaned them up before. Apparently he sucked. Just like he sucked at noticing when things were wrong.

Sasuke both wanted Naruto to notice and wanted him not to notice. He wanted him to wake up, realize that Sasuke was missing and get up and find him. He also wanted Naruto to keep sleeping and not wake up for a long time. Sasuke felt betrayed that his distress had gone unnoticed, but he also felt relieved. He both wanted to share it and wanted it for himself.

If you took out like and dislike, it had been a bit surprising that Naruto had so completely failed to notice. Yes, the guy was often an idiot, but when it really mattered he wasn’t. Naruto had seemed to know exactly what Sasuke wanted and done everything right when he had found out what happened with Itachi that Tuesday. Sasuke had thought that this would count as something that really mattered too, and that that innate wisdom would know, and see. But it hadn’t.

Sasuke didn’t want to think about that. He had a strong feeling it would hurt if he let the thoughts wander and he didn’t want to hurt anymore now. It was useless thinking anyway. Wouldn’t do any good. He chose to focus on his options instead. It really all came down to Naruto and what Sasuke wanted the blond to know from here on. The blond had failed to notice when it was happening and Sasuke had lied and said nothing was wrong when Naruto asked, but that didn’t mean he would never ever know. If Sasuke went back to bed now and stayed there he would give Naruto a huge opportunity to wake up cheerful and cuddly and oblivious but if he stayed all night in the bathroom until Naruto found him there in the morning it would be much harder to mistake for a good thing. The blond would worry and feel awful and apologize and possibly even cry.

Sasuke realized that he didn’t want either of those things. Both those options, and most versions of those options that would lead to the same things, were... They felt wrong. Sasuke didn’t want Naruto to think everything was fine and he didn’t want to face ‘full of regret’ Naruto that was bound to appear when the blond realized that everything wasn’t fine. There was only one version of letting Naruto know that something was wrong that didn’t feel wrong and that was the cruel, selfish and cowardly option. Sasuke knew it wasn’t a solution, if anything it would only make things worse. Kakashi would be disappointed and worried, Iruka would freak. Naruto would be hurt, not just full of regret but also of worry and confusion, and he would have to be all those things alone. Sasuke didn’t like the fact that it was history repeating itself, he had just told Naruto that story about him running away from Kakashi and hated when things he thought that he’d grown out of came back and felt reasonable again, but it still felt right to the bones, like it was the only thing he could do. There was no way that Naruto would misinterpret and Sasuke would be given some time before he had to face him. There were only the practical things left, starting with the lack of clothes.

Sasuke looked around in the room, focused now that he knew what he had to do. He couldn’t go back to Naruto’s room and risk waking the blond up. He hadn’t bothered turning on the lights in the room when he entered, but a stream of street light came in through the frosted windows. His eyes locked on the basket in front of the washing machine and a part of him flinched as he remembered that first time when Naruto didn’t stop. For a second he wanted so badly to change his mind, go back to bed and just forget that what had happened had happened. The next second he pushed that want away and focused on the mountain of clothes instead, dumping it on the floor and starting to rummage through it. In the back of his mind the thought of wearing Naruto’s clothes felt wrong, but going back to get his own clothes felt worse and so did breaking into his own house (especially since he would have to run naked across two front yards and a road to get there. It wasn’t late enough for that, not enough alcohol in Sasuke’s system and his legs did not feel like running).

There were big clothes mixed with smaller ones, Iruka’s mixed with Naruto’s. Sasuke found and pulled a black t-shirt over his head, content with the color. It was Naruto’s, the size told him that; almost right. He put on the first underwear in the almost right size that he found, not wanting to think too much about that. T-shirts were one thing, underwear something else, even if the clothes had been washed. For a second Sasuke thought about going without, but not for long. Deciding on pants turned out to be a bit more frustrating though. Naruto only had one pair in there and they were orange. Orange was so not Sasuke’s color and only slightly preferable to no pants at all. It took some hesitation before Sasuke pulled them on, with a grimace. If the grimace was more because his legs didn’t want to move at the moment or because the color hurt his fashion sense, he didn’t know.

-

Those memories of Itachi were things Sasuke had forgotten. He had pushed them away from his mind when he was a child because he didn’t want happiness mixed with the hate. He had pushed away many, many childhood memories, and now and then over the years they had showed up again. New forgotten memories would come back and remind him of the fact that he really, really had loved his brother. And still did. He still did love that brother and it hurt. It always hurt so intensely.

At the same time as he loved he had to hate. As Sasuke was reminded of the love and happiness, he was reminded of what he had lost, what had been stolen from him; his entire world. Everything that mattered had been broken and killed with his parents. Sasuke had just been a child! His parents had been his home and his stability, as important to him as air and the blood in his body. Itachi had been his joy and his future; his adventures, his curiosity of the world and his burning urge to grow stronger and do all the things he saw his big brother do. Losing them had been losing the most vital parts of his self. He lost present and future, and with them the past. There had been nothing left. Nothing to cling to but the hate.

As Sasuke loved and hated with all the power his being could summon, he was invaded by guilt and regret for both emotions, by thoughts that said ‘I was so stupid to love you,’ and ‘I was so stupid to hate you.’

‘Now I’m even more stupid because I know what you did and I still love you.’

’Even though I know you only did what you did because you were sick, I still hate you.’

Every feeling was wrong. No feeling was right. No matter what Sasuke felt toward Itachi, it was unbearable and impossible to accept.

On normal days he could fight it off, hide it away and pretend it didn’t matter; Sasuke could live his life and he could function. But when those lost, happy memories came back and brought the most intense love, the hate had to follow, and the guilt and the regret. It was like they were tied together on a string and bringing one would always bring the others. They flared up within him, strong and angry and roaring; like water kept behind a dam and suddenly set free. Four dams in four corners of a valley, disappearing at the same time. Sasuke was the valley and the small house in the middle of it was his heart.

This time he had already been disrupted and unbalanced. The angry waves of emotions had crashed over a heart and mind that was already hurting and struggling to keep it together. He had already been overwhelmed; naked and vulnerable and physically sharing himself as much as he could physically share himself, with someone that wasn’t him and could never understand. No one could ever understand.

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When Sasuke got used to it, walking was okay; not overly pleasant, but okay. He was headed for the bus station; hoped that, since this was a Friday, there would be a bus going even if it was late. He had dared a trip to the kitchen and taken some money out of the small emergency stash Iruka kept beside the microwave. This was an emergency, of a sort. Wasn’t the man always going on about them being a family? Sasuke figured he was as much entitled to that money as Naruto was. He had left through the front door in his own shoes and jacket.

It was quiet outside, for a Friday night. Sasuke heard his feet against the asphalt and some drunkards laughing somewhere once but not much more. Now and then a car passed, headlights either staring him in the face or showing him his shadow against the ground. He had met an old lady walking her dog. It was cold, being night, but Sasuke felt grateful for anything that could distract him from what had happened and what he was doing.

Sasuke reached the bus station to find it empty. Not a soul. Not a bus. The small station building was dark and looked closed. Sasuke’s hope that buses could still go even if the building was closed was lost when he reached the time table. The last bus headed for the city today had left an hour ago and the next one wouldn’t leave until six in the morning tomorrow, a night from now. A bus coming from the city would stop there in about half an hour, but that was not Sasuke’s direction. He snarled and kicked half-heartedly at the wall before flopping down on the bench under the time table, at the moment too angry to care about his body complaining. He cradled his forehead in his hands, his elbows on his knees, and felt the emotions trying to force him to express them. He refused. He was cold.

Even if he refused the emotions, he couldn’t help but think about what he had been doing when that last bus had left. It felt easier without the emotions involved, but not easy enough. It really had been pathetic. Awful and pathetic. He had been pathetic. Really, that was not how he had imagined getting rid of his virgin status. Sasuke had always sort of assumed that he would end up doing it with someone he barely knew because he was drunk enough to think it was a good idea. He hadn’t felt that that was a good way to do it, just been realistic enough to see that it was most likely. The only reason it hadn’t happened already was... well, luck, or something.

Sasuke wasn’t sure if it was luck. He wasn’t sure if this way was a better or worse than being drunk and barely remembering what it was like. It seemed to Sasuke that either way was pathetic. In a way though, he wondered if maybe the awfulness wasn’t a good thing.

It felt like... it was supposed to be awful, because it had taken something away, something important. It hadn’t been just remembering those things about Itachi and being devoured by all those emotions. It hadn’t been just the physical things and the awkwardness and being stupid. There had been something else there too, another kind of wound bleeding. If those memory wounds and physical wounds were comparable to being cut in the arm, stabbed in the stomach, shot in the leg or punched so your nose bled, then that other wound felt like an amputation. Sasuke felt like he had lost an arm. It wasn’t one of his regular arms that he used for writing or punching or holding the fork when he ate, this was a forgotten arm that he hadn’t used in a very long time. He had forgotten that he had it. At some point during that time in Naruto’s room, that arm had been cut off. Once it had left his body, it had disintegrated and now it was gone.

Maybe... Maybe this awful experience was better than a drunken night he couldn’t remember. As awful as losing that arm had been, at least Sasuke knew how he had lost it. There was no fuzzy memory with blanks everywhere that was just as likely to be imagination as the real thing. It had really happened and Sasuke knew how. He would remember.

The sound of feet against asphalt drew Sasuke from his thoughts and he looked up to see a girl he recognized. She hadn’t noticed him yet and walked with determined strides across the big black spot of asphalt where the buses turned and stopped to pick up and drop off passengers. There was a look of confidence on her face, and happiness; she looked like she was having a good evening. Her hair was tied back and she carried a bag that looked too big for her easily on one shoulder. Haruno Sakura.

Something made the girl look different from what Sasuke was used to seeing every day in school. She looked relaxed, carefree. Sakura always had something in her eyes that either made her look like she was taking a difficult test or like she was expecting a difficult test to be thrown at her any second; and she desperately wanted to pass. At that time when she had confessed to Sasuke, Sakura had looked like she was taking the biggest test of them all; a test that she had studied to take for months and that would decide her entire future. Like Sasuke held her future in his hands.

It had never been like that with Naruto. Naruto hadn’t waited for Sasuke to make any decision about his future; hadn’t even considered Sasuke’s feelings when he shared those wedding plans of his. Naruto had never made Sasuke feel like he waited for Sasuke to determine his future.

Just then Sakura glanced in Sasuke’s direction and Sasuke could see the change in her entire being as she saw him. She stiffened and slowed down. Her being seemed to gasp and he could almost see her heart racing by just looking at her face. She looked absolutely terrified for a moment, like Sasuke was a train and she was tied to the tracks. She smiled and stopped completely; the smile faded but came back again. The terror never quite left her.

“S-Sasuke-kun,” she said and tried to sound cheerful and normal, like he was someone else, just a guy in her class. She failed horribly. Sasuke didn’t know why but he was the center of the world to her. He wondered for a moment if that was how Naruto felt too.

For some strange reason the constant infatuations that had followed Sasuke for as long as he could remember seemed more reasonable than Naruto’s claimed love. It felt like Sakura’s feelings for Sasuke were much stronger than Naruto’s feelings for him were, not because Naruto was a guy and not because he was an idiot (Sasuke had had plenty of guys and idiots after him before), but... it just didn’t seem to make sense. Naruto had seen much more of Sasuke than Sakura and all the other infatuated girl and guys had. Sasuke could understand the admiration from a distance, but he supposed that he couldn’t quite see why that admiration would stay put when the person in question got to know him. Why would he still be interesting when the mysteries and coolness and good looks, all those things were over with and it was just Sasuke?

“Hey,” Sasuke said. He tried to sound and look like nothing was wrong and hoped he didn’t look like he felt. The girl came closer; terror softened to just fear and it looked like she was trying to force her racing heart to calm down.

“Hi,” she said and her smile didn’t look so faked anymore; a little relieved. “What are you doing here?”

Sasuke raised a brow that asked ‘it’s a bus station, what do you think I’m doing?’ and the girl giggled. That look was back in her eyes now, ‘it’s a test and if I don’t pass, I’ll die!’ He couldn’t help but wonder if she wasn’t tired, carrying that around all the time. Sasuke knew he had been, when his life had been a test. Though maybe his had been ‘if I don’t pass I’ll never let myself live.’

“But there are no buses this late,” Sakura said and there was a hint of worry in her voice that she tried to cover up with cheerfulness and ‘I’m really not nosy and worried, just curious’. She was trying, she was trying so hard to be nice and pleasant and not annoy him.

“So?” Sasuke said. He hadn’t said he was here for a bus, after all, just hinted. Sakura looked confused. Then she looked frustrated, almost angry and Sasuke could see in her eyes that she really just wanted to say it ‘come on! Get off that bench! It’s too cold!’ Naruto would have. Naruto wouldn’t have bothered with trying to play nice if he found Sasuke sitting outside when it was cold. (Well, tonight he definitely wouldn’t, but he wouldn’t have yesterday either, or even before they got together.)

But Sakura covered up her flash of frustration with weak laughter, looked at the ground and gnawed at her lip. Sasuke wished she wouldn’t try so hard. He hated when people pretended.

“I’m on my way home,” Sakura said and shifted. “I’ve been at a friend’s house.”

She lifted her eyes back to Sasuke and for a moment it looked like she was going to leave. Maybe she had planned to. But something changed in her eyes as she looked at him, something grew determined and... daring. She looked a little like Sasuke expected a person scared of heights looked as they finally decided to jump off that bungee jump board, or whatever they had when they were bungee jumping. Instead of leaving Sakura came closer with determined strides. Sasuke’s eyes flickered to the girl’s hand as it went into the pocket of her jacket. She pulled it out when she stopped in front of him. Sasuke heard the soft sound of plastic, saw the familiar colors and his whole being tingled, his attention following as if in trace as she held out a package and a lighter.

“It’s your brand, right?” Sakura said. “My dad smokes those too. He told me to pick up a pack for him after school, but I’ll tell him I forgot. You look like you could use them.”

With addiction and traumatic events there were no room for stuff like pride and no sense of ‘it’s her dad’s, I shouldn’t’ or ‘but I’m quitting!’ Sasuke’s hand clenched around the things and soon his nails were clawing at the plastic and the paper; his fingers pulled a cigarette out and he held onto it with his lips as he lit it. Sakura watched him inhale deeply and he would have felt stupid if it hadn’t felt so good. His being sighed and for a moment the evening didn’t seem as awful anymore. Such a silly thing, those addictions.

“Thanks,” he said eventually and looked up at Sakura. The girl had taken a step back and was looking calmer now and she looked pleased with herself, like she had gotten that test back with an unexpectedly good score. She probably wouldn’t be able to stop smiling in bed tonight before she fell asleep.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said and the relief was everywhere in her voice. Sasuke colored the air with his breath as he pushed it from his lungs, if greyish white was a color. He wondered what Naruto was doing. Was he still asleep or had he sensed the wrongness and woken up? Was he dreaming? Was he smiling in his sleep? Had Sakura noticed that Sasuke was wearing Naruto’s pants?

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked, as if she knew and hadn’t already done something for him. For a moment she reminded Sasuke of Tsunade, a lot. He must have looked surprised when he shook his head.

“No,” he said and his voice was weaker than usual.

“Okay,” she said and smiled a genuine smile. Then it faltered a bit, only to come back again with more sadness.

“I... I’m sorry,” Sakura said. “I wish I could, do something for you; anything, I mean...”

Then she seemed to realize what she had said and blushed, looked away for a moment before looking back.

“I’m sorry, I should get going,” she said and her smile weaker this time. “Don’t worry about the cigarettes.”

“Okay,” Sasuke said.

The girl forced her smile to grow stronger before she turned and started walking. After only a few steps she stopped again, but didn’t turn as she spoke.

“Everyone was really surprised when you and Naruto became friends. You’re really nothing alike, Naruto is... well, Naruto, and you are...”

Her voice trailed off and Sasuke saw her head lower. He remembered that time; she had said that she loved him. ‘I love you!’ she had almost shouted and had sounded so desperate. Sasuke had wondered then and still wondered what it was about him that was so special.

“I don’t think I was very surprised though,” the girl continued; her voice strong again. “I don’t think it has to be about having things in common, sometimes you get along anyway. I’m sorry, for what I said that day. I don’t really think Naruto is a jerk, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Sasuke remembered that time in school, that rainy day when he had passed out in Naruto’s arms. He got this feeling and wondered how much Sakura knew, if there was something behind what she was saying. They had been careful in school, him and Naruto, but maybe she had seen something, somewhere, at some time. What would she say if she knew what had happened? If she knew everything?

“Can I borrow your cell phone?” Sasuke asked. Because all the other questions were questions you asked yourself not others and it was time for Sasuke to get going. Sakura turned back to him, slightly frowning and looking surprised. Maybe she didn’t have a cell phone. Maybe she was wondering why he hadn’t asked her before, that was what Sasuke was wondering.

“Sure,” she said eventually, slowly and looked like she was dreaming. She walked back; pulled open the pocket on her jacket and fished out a red folded phone. Sasuke crushed what left of his cigarette on the asphalt between his feet.

“Who are you calling?” Sakura asked as he opened the phone and dialed the number as if he did it several times every day. There weren’t many numbers that Sasuke wanted to remember, so the ones he did remember he remembered well.

“My ride,” he said. He got off the bench and walked a few steps away. He would have called even if Sakura hadn’t showed up and even if he hadn’t asked, from a payphone or someone’s house. He didn’t really need a bus. The phone call went as Sasuke had expected. Orochimaru was suspicious at first, having an unknown number show up on his personal cell phone, but as soon as he heard who was calling the man was delighted. Of course he would send someone to pick Sasuke up.

When he returned the phone to Sakura, Sasuke said ‘thanks’ and told her he had to go, to meet up with his ride. Sakura didn’t know how long it would take for Orochimaru’s guys to get anywhere near this place, so she smiled in relief and said ‘okay’. She held onto the phone as if it was precious now that he had touched it and breathed into it. She asked him to take care of himself and then said ‘see you on Monday.’ Sasuke said ‘yeah,’ and then he left.

As he walked away, Sasuke wondered if he would be back here by Monday. It seemed way too soon and way too far at the same time. Sasuke wanted to be back and things to be okay now. But they weren’t. He was still hurting. He was distracted by his own determination, the nicotine and the socializing, but the pain was still there. Even if he wanted to, Sasuke couldn’t stay here right now.

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