Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: January 29th 2007, Monday
second version: November 14th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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49: Scary place to be

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Having children is a special thing, a very special thing. It’s one of those things that make you feel like you could die tomorrow and be satisfied. Only you can’t; because dying would mean leaving your child alone and there’s no way to feel comfortable with doing that.

It makes you feel so needed that it hurts. When you become a parent, you become the most important person in the world, and at the same time you don’t matter at all because your child is everything.

You’re not alone anymore. You will never be alone again; not even when the child is grown up and moved out. Your child will always love you.

When you eventually do die, you leave something behind in your children. You never really die because through your children, you live on; even if they’re not your own. Having children is immortality.

And a bunch of other pretty things that people talk about when it comes to children, mostly the ones that never had any, to make the pretty picture.

The pretty picture rarely mentions the screaming because dinner is not exactly what the child had in mind, the repainting of your living room because ‘it needed some color!’, the making swings in the garden with your newly washed sheets and jungle scenery.

Having children is messy, yelling and chaos. It’s worrying and never knowing what to expect. I know that. I’ve lived and raised Naruto since he was seven years old. Of course I know that children are chaos and never what you expect.

When did I forget what having children is all about? When did I start thinking that life could be planned?

Maybe I raised Naruto too well.

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It was Friday evening and Iruka and Kakashi sat in the dining area of the boat that was to be their home for the weekend. Or maybe boat was a small word for the vessel, maybe it was a ship. Iruka wasn’t sure and it frustrated him because he was a teacher and should know. It was a bit embarrassing and that was probably the reason he never asked anyone and kept on not knowing; he was supposed to know.

The place was probably meant to be a restaurant; or it was a restaurant, it just didn’t quite feel like it. It felt like the dining area of a shopping area aimed at families during a particularly big birthday party for a five year old, or like the canteen in school during the busiest lunch hour. There were kids everywhere, all seeming to be under ten years of age, and being together and they were in public, they were very energized and very loud. Iruka couldn’t help but think of an army of little Narutos and the thought made him shudder.

Kakashi didn’t look as relaxed and cool as he used to look when they were out together, or home together for that matter. His back was straight, muscles tense, eyes narrowed and he was glancing this way and that. He looked like he was walking through a bad neighborhood at night, not having dinner in a restaurant on a boat. Ship. Whatever.

The man didn’t like children. He had told Iruka not long after they had met. ‘I hate children,’ he had said, casually; as if it was something about the weather. ‘They’re loud and stupid and childish.’ Iruka had first looked stunned, then he had laughed.

‘They’re children! They’re supposed to be childish!’

‘Well, I don’t like it.’

‘You liar! You have a son!’ Iruka had exclaimed, but he had been more amused than upset, remembered he had been slightly drunk at the time. ‘And an adopted son. You wouldn’t adopt a child if you really hated children.’

‘I’m not lying,’ Kakashi had said; he hadn’t been upset either, though there had been something hurting in his eyes. ‘Sasuke is not a child. Not even the first time I met him.’

Sasuke was not a child.

“Do you want to leave?” Iruka asked and smiled though he wasn’t really happy.

Kakashi’s attention snapped from his surroundings to Iruka and there was a millisecond of glare in his eyes before they smiled, before he laughed.

“Whaat? This is nice, isn’t it?” he lied. “We got our own kindergarten. Like a rose garden but easier to manage.”

Iruka had to chuckle, shake his head and be sort of amused as Kakashi flinched when a boy gave a particularly high-pitched scream behind his chair.

“See?” the man’s smile just almost failed. “It even comes with a soundtrack.”

Iruka supposed it bothered him that Kakashi almost always played easy-going when he wasn’t. Kakashi liked to show the world that nothing bothered him or surprised him. He liked to smile and give silly comments when people least expected it. For having said all those things about Sasuke hating people who pretended, Kakashi was an awfully dishonest individual.

Of course, sometimes the man was honest. When things needed serious, Kakashi was serious. When he couldn’t joke around because the situation just wouldn’t accept it, he didn’t joke around. And maybe it was a bit harsh, saying Kakashi was dishonest. He probably wouldn’t lie or pretend if Iruka really asked him to be serious. It was just... Well, Iruka supposed it just bothered him.

It could be the fact that Kakashi seemed to choose when to pretend to be silly and when not to; the fact that his emotions were so... not overwhelming that he could look at them rationally and make a choice before expressing them. The only time Iruka had seen Kakashi lose that ability to choose was when it was about Sasuke; like that evening when Kakashi had brought Iruka to his apartment for the first time. There had been overwhelming emotions at that time. Kakashi had been scared and there had been no way for him to hide it.

It could be that Iruka was a tiny, tiny bit jealous, because Sasuke would always affect Kakashi more. Kakashi would never choose Iruka over Sasuke; not in a million years, not even if it killed him. And the man had the nerve to say he hated children. Yes, Sasuke was a child.

Iruka had never believed that thing Kakashi had said about Sasuke not being a child. Maybe Kakashi needed to pretend that he wasn’t because he didn’t want to compromise with his stupid ‘I hate children’ belief, but that didn’t mean he was right. The boy was a child. He may not want to be a child and may do things that he thought adults were supposed to do, but that did not make him a grown-up. Iruka wasn’t entirely sure what it was exactly that made an adult, besides the obvious, age, but he was sure that Sasuke didn’t have it. That belief had been with Iruka since he first heard about the child that was not a child and it had only grown more firm as he got to know more things about Sasuke; when he saw his picture, heard more stories from Kakashi and met the boy in person. Really, Kakashi could be such an idiot sometimes. Not a child... Come on!

They didn’t leave the restaurant until they had both had finished their meals (Kakashi had eaten slowly) and had dessert (“Of course we’re having dessert! It won’t be a real dinner without it.”). And Kakashi called Iruka stubborn. The stroll around the ship that followed the dinner sort of just happened. It was nothing they had planned, nothing they had talked over and decided to do. There hadn’t been much talking since Kakashi decided to be stubborn about the dinner and the children anyway. Iruka supposed that he himself had been a bit snappy and ignoring. But he could be! If Kakashi could be stubborn Iruka could be snappy. So the stroll just happened. They left the restaurant and just kept walking as if they had silently agreed to it. Maybe because neither of them felt like going back to their room (was it called a room when it was on a boat?) and go to sleep before they had made up. If they were fighting. It was strange, Iruka didn’t know if he could say that they were fighting or had been fighting, despite the clear distance and tension between them as they walked. It was like they were both fighting themselves rather than each other, at least for now. The frustration was kept within them; as if they were waiting for the right time to set it free.

Iruka didn’t know why he was so hung up about this at the moment; about Kakashi’s feelings, or lack of them, and... and he supposed it was about Sasuke too. They weren’t new feelings, new frustrations; Iruka had been dragging them around for some time now. And Kakashi was frustrated about something as well, Iruka could tell. This was supposed to be a nice trip, wasn’t it? They were supposed to relax and have fun without the kids. That was what Kakashi had said when he came up with the idea. Not that that was the real reason, Iruka wasn’t stupid; he knew what Kakashi’s plan was about. Why he had gone along with it again?

They usually did take walks when they wanted to make up, him and Kakashi. Sometimes like this time, without planning it or saying anything and sometimes one of them said it, ‘let’s take a walk’ or ‘we need to go for a walk now’. They walked until they couldn’t walk anymore; then they talked until things got better. This time they had walked around the boat two times when the frustration in both of them had grown so strong that they couldn’t handle it anymore and the silence was disrupted.

“Why are you so pissed off?” Kakashi asked, his voice filled with annoyance.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Iruka said, through gritted teeth.

“Are you asking?”

“Would you answer if I did?”

“Sure I would,” Kakashi said and his tone clearly said that Iruka was the only one being unreasonable and to blame. Their steps had gotten harsher and more hurried, like the walking version of slamming doors, but at those words Iruka stopped and turned. Smiled, but not because he was happy.

“Why are you so pissed off?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” Kakashi said simply and glanced out toward the sea. They were outside; it was cold but Iruka barely noticed. He felt like throwing the stupid man over the railing, but that was immature, wasn’t it? Instead Iruka sneered.

“That’s what I thought. Pathetic.”

“At least I answer,” Kakashi said in a low voice.

It could have been a mutter but it wasn’t, it could have been scary and it sort of was. It didn’t stop Iruka’s frustration but still made it stumble a little, in surprise as he realized he’d never seen Kakashi really, really angry. For some reason it made Iruka feel a little better, the fact that it was there. He suddenly wasn’t all that angry anymore. He was, but not... as angry.

Iruka snorted and looked away. Turned away. He leaned against the railing that separated him from a fall into the water. The waves were dark.

“Why are we here?” he asked and glanced at Kakashi then looked away from him again. Some moments of nothing but the sound of waves and boat engine passed.

“What do you want me to say?” Kakashi said eventually; his voice was not as low and bordering on dangerous anymore.

“I think you’re more desperate for Sasuke to grow up than he is,” Iruka said. “And he’s the teenager.”

He glanced at Kakashi again but the man did not look surprised. He didn’t look anything really, was emotionless again. It brought back the anger that Iruka had lost.

“You think you’re off the hook as soon as he grows up?” he asked and turned to Kakashi. “As soon as he starts fucking, he won’t be your responsibility anymore and you won’t have to be his father? Is that what you think?”

“That’s not...” Kakashi started. He wasn’t emotionless now, not cold anymore. There were many feelings taking turns on his face, swimming in and out of his eyes. Part of Iruka felt bad about it pleasing him, but still it did. Real emotions, for once.

“If that’s what you think then you’re an idiot,” Iruka continued and croaked a weak laughter. “You won’t ever get off the hook. Once you take this job you’re in for life, didn’t anyone ever tell...?”

Before he could finish, Kakashi had moved forward and slapped his hand over Iruka’s mouth. For a moment the man’s eyes were angry, very angry. The grip hurt and Iruka’s heart beat harder than usual. Then the angry eyes turned sad and the muscles in the hand on Iruka’s mouth relaxed. Kakashi sighed and looked in the direction of his feet. His other hand, that had gripped Iruka’s shoulder, grew softer as well.

“You’re so frustrating sometimes,” Kakashi muttered; this time he did mutter and he looked into Iruka’s eyes. “I don’t... It’s...”

He sighed and shook his head before he continued.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be... be a father, it’s just... He doesn’t want to be a child.”

The pain and almost desperation that Iruka found in Kakashi’s eyes made him regret the things he had said. What was he angry about anyway? What was there to be angry about? Iruka slipped his own hand softly around Kakashi’s and uncovered his mouth. He moved closer and held onto the edges of Kakashi’s jacket.

“It doesn’t matter what he wants,” Iruka said softly. “He is a child.”

“Teenager,” Kakashi said.

“You do know you make yourself sound like Naruto, right?”

Kakashi opened his mouth but as realization passed over his face he closed it again. Then he smiled a small smile and said ‘right’.

For some reason it felt better when they walked back. Iruka wasn’t sure if they had really made up, or rather he knew they hadn’t, but it felt better. Some part of Iruka couldn’t help but wonder if he had some sort of mental problem, because it made him feel better to hurt the man he loved. Kakashi had been hurt; he had been angry and hurt and he hadn’t been able to control it. Probably. No, definitely. Definitely hadn’t been able to control it. Iruka didn’t know why that was better than the controllable feelings. It shouldn’t be, right? He shouldn’t prefer something that needed Kakashi to hurt. Knowing he did prefer it made him feel worse about feeling better.

“You do know you never answered my question, right?” Kakashi said when they had reached their room, entered and closed the door behind them. “Why are you angry?”

It could have been said in a rude or a joking way but it wasn’t said in either. It didn’t rouse Iruka’s anger again. He sighed and sat down on the end of the bed.

“I don’t know,” Iruka said and looked at his hands; though he wasn’t sure if that was the truth or if he just didn’t want to try and find out. Maybe he would just rather not know. Kakashi fell to his knees on the floor and dropped his head into Iruka’s lap. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Iruka’s back.

“I’m angry at myself because I’m not a very good father,” Kakashi sighed. “I’m angry at you because you won’t let me ignore it anymore.”

Iruka sighed too and let his arms and hands rest on Kakashi’s back. He felt tired all of a sudden, like all the air had left him.

“I’m angry because I’m worried,” Kakashi continued. “I’m always so worried; though I pretend I’m not because I don’t want him to think anything can go wrong. He’s had enough things go wrong in his life.”

He was talking about Sasuke of course; Iruka’s hands twitched and his arms held onto Kakashi a little harder. He had this feeling that this would always come back. They would talk about it and it would feel okay but then it would come back again. It felt like they were trapped in a circle and they wouldn’t get out no matter how many times Iruka said ‘you’re not a bad father; you love that child more than anything.’

More than anything.

“I’m angry because you love him more than you love me,” Iruka said and his voice was weak and almost a whisper. “I know it’s not the same kind of love, but that doesn’t change the fact that the love for him is stronger.”

Kakashi twisted on the floor and turned his head. He looked at Iruka just as Iruka felt his eyes starting to tear. Iruka sniffled and raised a hand to quickly dry them off.

“And I know it’s stupid,” Iruka continued, his voice stronger now and the words coming faster; as if he didn’t want to have time to reconsider. “I know that it’s normal and that I would never put you before Naruto, and... and I don’t think I could respect you at all if you didn’t place your child before a lover, but... But it still upsets me. It still upsets me to know that I’m second and always will be.”

Iruka’s hands were busy, rushing to dry his tears before they really fell. His lips were trembling and his throat felt too thick. He couldn’t read the expression on Kakashi’s face. It could have been sadness, it could have been pity or regret or anger or disappointment or... loathing or... Or it could have just been Iruka’s imagination and his own feelings he saw in Kakashi’s eyes just because he was upset. Iruka sobbed despite himself when a hand was raised and cradled his cheek. Then he smiled weakly and two tears managed to escape his hands and slip down his cheeks. One ran over Kakashi’s hand as well.

“I didn’t want to tell you that,” Iruka said. “I didn’t want you to know that. It’s pathetic. I don’t really feel that way, I just...”

The hand on Iruka’s cheek slipped around to his mouth and stopped the words. Kakashi smiled sadly.

“I know,” he said. “You’d rather it wasn’t there but it is. You’ve tried to get rid of it but it stays. Right?”

“Yeah.”

“When... When I first realized,” Kakashi said and for a moment he hesitated. “...That I loved Sasuke, I was scared that it was the wrong kind of love. I had never loved anyone like that before, in a non-sexual way. I wasn’t sure what it was. I suppose...”

The man closed his eyes for a moment and seemed to sigh without making a sound.

“I suppose I’m still scared,” he said and opened his eyes again. “I suppose that’s why I want him to grow up. So I can stop worrying.”

They looked at each other for a moment. The humming boat sound got company when a gathering of laughing and drunk women wandered through the corridor and passed outside their door. Kakashi’s hand fell from Iruka’s mouth and he held it to his chest. Iruka sniffled and blinked, but his tears had stopped running.

“I love you,” he said softly.

He wasn’t sure why the feeling was so strong at that moment; but he really, really did.

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