Where is God?

“Where is God?”
By: Innerchild

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and co.

A/N: Everybody thank Mirandler43 for editing this chapter and being a very helptful beta! I'm serious. And go read her stories, they're good. Especially, The Top Floor. Now, on with the story!

Pairings: main Sasuke and Naruto
Others
Warning: uh… not much in here but a little bit of angst, I think…


“I don’t like religion much, and I am glad that in the Bible the word is not to be found.” -Martin Buber


Chapter five
Without a Friend in the World


Being so close to death was said to make you feel more alive. However, alive was not the feeling that Naruto got as he stared inside the open casket. Truth be told, he felt colder than the lifeless, pale body in front of him. He stepped closer to his grandfather, so close in fact, that he could smell the cosmetics that the morticians had put on him. The man hadn’t died a gruesome death, but all color had been drained out of his skin when the blood was removed from his body. The simple water based make-up they used on his skin was to make him look somewhat lively; like how his family would remember him.

Even with all the creams and powders they used on his dehydrated skin, Naruto thought he still looked dead. Like he should. So why did they even try to make him look like he was sleeping? Would that really make everyone here feel better? Would his mother stop crying if she thought her dad was just asleep inside a dark gray casket, playing a trick on everyone?

Naruto shook his head, trying to dislodge the thoughts in his mind. He stepped back and went to go sit in one of the pews by his parents. He knew that the people at the mortuary were just trying to help. It was their job. And some said it was the most rewarding job in life; to help others in their time of need.

Which they did. What kind of person wanted to clean and dress the dead body of someone they knew? How would it make them feel if they saw their dead loved one move their hand while on the table? They would think that the person had come back to life, when in reality it was nothing more than the change of pH in the body.

Piano music filled the small church as all murmurs died down. An old man walked to the stage and stood in front of the podium. His heavy frame was barely covered by the wooden stand as he moved from one foot to another jerkily. Wire framed glasses sat on his nose as his watery, yellowing eyes looked down at the crinkling bible in front of him. The music stopped and the man spoke.

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. John 14:1.” The man said, his white and gray beard moving up and down distractedly as he spoke.

Naruto stared at him with eyes wide open as if he didn’t want to miss anything, but only saw half of what was there.

“As you all know, I was a close friend of Jims’. His best, as he was mine. And to this day I will never forget what a friendly guy he was. He always did nice things for people, even ones he didn’t know. Why, I remember one time, a few years ago, when we were at the market buying…”

Naruto drowned his voice out and opted to watch his lips move. If he looked closely, then he could see a few hairs sticking out of his nose. A few people laughed quietly around him as something funny was apparently said. The mood of the room always stayed somber though, no matter how many times the man said that Jim would want them to be happy. That he wouldn’t want them to cry over him, and even though Naruto could hear these words, but he couldn’t fully comprehend them.

People grew old. They lived and died. That’s the way life was. Sickness and tragedies were apart of it as well. But also, happiness, anger, jealousy, lust, sadness, and many other emotions were apart of life. You were supposed to be sad when someone close to you died. It was just how life worked. It was how the human body and brain functioned. They were the things that told you this hurt, that this caused tears, and that this pain would never go away. Even with time.

Naruto looked over at his mom. Tears were streaming down her face and clumping her eyelashes together. He saw her wipe her nose with a balled up tissue every few seconds as another person went up to the stage to say a few words. Naruto wondered how much longer his mom was going to cry. Would she cry tonight when she went to bed, and every night thereafter, when she thought that no one else was awake and could see her?

Even if she didn’t cry, he knew that she would still think about her dad and feel the way she did now. Because that ache wouldn’t go away. It wouldn’t just fade away like a memory that had missing pieces. And no amount of time, unlike some people try so hard to believe, will ever make you forget that pain.

Naruto wondered if Sasuke felt as miserable as his mother did right now. If he always felt that way and was just hiding it. Maybe the boy was like his grandfather, always one emotion on the outside, but another on the inside. He didn’t want other people to be upset because he was sad or unhappy. No, he wanted them to happy, even if he wasn’t. That’s just the kind of person his grandfather was.

Except, Sasuke was different. Maybe he wanted someone else to feel as lonely as he did. The blonde knew that he hid his feelings behind a mask of ice or indifference. And he also knew that he felt lost and alone, because of what happened with his family. If that was what really happened. He still hadn’t asked the raven-haired teen if it was true, and now, he didn’t know if he would ever get a chance too.

For the last two days of school, he hadn’t gotten to see the Uchiha because he had been suspended for fighting. His argument with the boy hassled him to the point where he wasn’t paying attention in class and even forgetting about his lunch break with Neji and Shikamaru.


Moreover, it was distracting him from his grandfather’s funeral. Not that he had ever been close with the man, but he knew that this wasn’t the time or place to think about that. So, he tried to tune back into the female speaker at the podium now.

Somehow, though, his one-track mind found its way back to worrying about his quiet friend.

XXXXX

Sasuke was cold. The heat was turned on and he wore long sleeves and pants, but he was still cold. He could feel a chill caress his legs and run up his spine. He cringed as he brushed a hand through his dirty hair. He needed a shower.

He turned on the water and pulled the curtain back as steam rose to the ceiling. He quickly stripped out of his clothes and jumped in. The goose bumps on his skin still stood out as he turned the water up.

The water was scorching, making his skin turn red, but he still turned the water up higher. Steam surrounded him and fogged up the mirror by the sink, but he didn’t see that. His eyes were closed as he searched for some form of warmth. He could feel his skin ache and burn, but he still felt frozen to the core.

He stayed like that until the water turned cold. Only then did he move, almost mechanically, as he shampooed his hair and washed his raw flesh. It didn’t matter if he bathed in cold water, seeing as it felt like a second skin to him.

He was always cold now… because he didn’t have something warm and blonde to touch.

XXXXX

Dirt was thrown on top of the closed casket by his mother and one of her brothers. His grandmother would have done it, but she had passed away over a year ago. Now it was her children’s job to bury their father.

A head full of spiky white hair caught Naruto’s attention as his uncle wandered through the gravestones to the dark green tent that the family was under. A small smile touched the corner of Naruto’s lips. That was his uncle all right, late as always. But better late then never someone once said, or something like that.

The group of family members moved from under the tent and into cars. Some were headed towards his grandparent’s old house, which now belonged to one of his mother’s older brothers, and others were going back home. Naruto stayed where he was as his uncle came towards him.

“Naruto? Is that you?” The man said as he ruffled his hair playfully. Jiriaya was loud. Too loud for a funeral, but his nephew liked him just the same.

“Yeah,” he answered, while one of his hands went to scratch the back of his head.

“Damn kid, you grew. I haven’t seen you in years and now you’re as big as your pops. Speaking of which, where’s your dad and my little sister?” He asked as his eyes searched over the remaining clusters of people around the tent.

“I dunno, but I know that we’re going back to the house,” he told him.

“Oh,” the older man said almost dejectedly. He sighed as he looked down at the blonde.

“You know, you can come and visit me anytime you like. It’s not like I got some nagging woman around to tell me what to do, so if you come over, it’ll just be us two. I’m pretty sure we’ve got tons to catch up on, seeing as you’re a teenage boy battling with your hormones. And you’ve probably got plenty of stories to tell me while knocking a few back with me.” He winked at him as he patted him on the head a few times.

Naruto just laughed at him. Honestly, the man had no shame. Which was why the blonde probably liked him, even though he couldn’t remember much about him. However, his parents always seemed to mention him. About what a lazy, perverted, non-Christian like man he was. All those things were fine by
Naruto’s standards.

“Are you coming to the house?” He asked, even though he already knew the answer. He was actually surprised that he had shown up at all. It’s not like the man down in the ground was his father after all, and he had only spent a year in the house after his step-father moved in. After that, he had moved out and gone to stay with his real dad.

“Nah, I need to get back home. I’ve got a ton of work to do, and my editor is already on my ass about my manuscript being a week late. So, I can’t really push it aside anymore. I just came to see… how everyone was doing.”

With a small pained expression that he quickly hid, Jiraya smiled down at the blonde.

“Take good care of your mom for me, kiddo.”

“I will.” Naruto told him as the taller man waved and walked off, one of his hands casually placed inside his pant pocket. The blonde watched his uncle leave before turning back around to find his parents. When he spotted them, he just stood there and watched for a few minutes. His mom had stopped crying, and was now holding onto his dad’s arm lightly. She looked like she wanted to cling on, but she was trying to look strong, and for a minute, he thought she almost did.

XXXXX

Naruto and his parents had stayed at his grandparent’s house for a few hours before going back to the hotel room. The blonde boy had left them alone for awhile and gone down to the pool. It was nice having one indoors for during the fall and winter. Even though the blonde loved to swim, he just didn’t feel like doing it now. So, after jumping in and swimming for a few minutes, he got back out and just sat in one of the chairs.

The blonde stared at the placid surface of chlorine-filled water. His thoughts passed through his mind like a running stream, never slowing down or stopping, only crashing into blocks of uncertainty or with each other. Naruto still didn’t know what to do about his friend, and now he was starting to second guess his feelings towards Neji.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about the Neji. He just didn’t know what kind of love or like it was. Maybe… maybe he wanted to be with someone, because he felt lost. Naruto would never admit it to anyone, but he always thought about being alone. He didn’t have any close friends that he could share his
every thought with, and he definitely couldn’t talk to his parents about anything that really mattered. They would only dismiss it. Tell him that he had everything and that there was nothing wrong in his life to make him unhappy.

Naruto knew that he had a pretty good life, but it wasn’t enough. Maybe he was selfish for thinking that way, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted more in life. He didn’t want to go through the movements of the day and not have his heart in it. Which he did anyway. The only time he felt his heart race or his blood pump was when he… when he…

The blonde stood up abruptly, his hands wrapping the towel around his damp swimming trunks. He took the stairs up to the second floor, trying to think about anything other than what he had just concluded. He didn’t need to think like that. It wasn’t true.


His parents were right. Always right. He was happy. Nothing was wrong in his life. His heart didn’t ache every time he looked at his moody friend, which just happened to be another guy. He wasn’t filled with dread or guilt when he entered the sanctuary of their church. And he certainly didn’t feel… alone. Because he had friends and parents that loved him, which meant that he couldn’t be alone. It wasn’t possible for someone surrounded by people to feel alone… even if the people in the crowd passed him by in a blur. It didn’t mean that he was alone.

Naruto quietly slipped into their room and changed for the night in the bathroom. The lights were off and his parents were asleep in the bed next to his. When he lied down, he couldn’t fall asleep. So, he just watched the green numbers on the clock beside him roll by.

The blonde was tired, but couldn’t fall asleep because of the silent sobbing in the bed next to him.

He wondered then, if maybe his parents were wrong about feeling alone.

XXXXX

Monday passed by in a blur for the blonde. Nervousness was eating away at his insides every time he thought about talking to his black haired friend. He was going to try and say something to him in math class, but Iruka had to spend most of the period with Sasuke. Since the boy had gotten in a fight on
Wednesday, and was suspended for the last two days of school last week, he had a lot of make-up work. Naruto was actually surprised that the boy was back already. Usually you were suspended for a week if you got into a fight or even attempted to start one.

Maybe it was because he was new to the school or someone had spoken on his behalf. Either way, he didn’t care. He was just glad that the grumpy teenager was back. He didn’t think he could deal with another night of restlessness if he didn’t apologize to the raven-haired boy today.

With second period a no go for saying apologies, the blonde sat through his classes the rest of the day with an uneasiness gnawing at his stomach. So, when sixth period ended, he almost jumped out of his chair. Of course, his teacher asked him to stay behind. He needed to talk to him about a paper he didn’t turn in.

Shit.

XXXXX

Naruto arrived to class ten minutes later with a note in his hand. His teacher unlocked the locker room and he rushed inside to change. As fast as the day had gone by, he felt like time stood still as he walked out of the locker room dressed in his black shorts and white shirt. For some reason, he felt oddly exposed as he walked across the gym floor.

But maybe that had to do with the fact that they were playing dodge ball, and as soon as he walked out, he became the number one target.

Every worry he had thought about today vanished as he picked up a ball and threw it at a random person. It didn’t matter if he got hit or not, no one seemed to pay attention to the rules as they flung the squishy balls at one another. Apparently the teachers had nothing better for them to do, seeing as both classes were put together today. The blonde even laughed a few times as a couple of friends ganged up on him and pounded him into the floor with orange and green balls.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and they did. With twenty minutes left of class. Naruto guessed that the teachers were getting annoyed with some of the girly screams that echoed off the walls. Or it could have something to do with some freshman receiving a nosebleed.

Either way, the group of boys crowded into the locker room. Some went to go take showers, while other’s just talked and acted like a bunch of kids. Naruto was going to hang out with Neji and Gaara, but changed his mind when he saw a familiar head of black hair move towards the showers. He stripped out of his shirt and shorts, grabbed a towel, and followed after him.

He wrapped the towel around his waist as he saw the boy go into one of the stalls and pull the curtain closed behind him. The blonde took a deep breath, knowing that he could get his ass kicked for the stunt he was about to pull. But, hey, he had to at least try, right?

He heard the water turn on and pulled the curtain back enough to walk in. Sasuke had as of yet to take his towel off, which brought a slight twinge of disappointment to the blonde. Naruto’s eyes traveled up his body and came to a stop on his face. Their eyes locked.

“What do you want?” The teenager almost growled out as he tried to cover up his surprise with anger.

Naruto didn’t miss the emotion he was trying to hide. The fact that the boy in front of him was shocked by his behavior just showed him how much he had actually believed the blonde’s harsh words. Naruto frowned internally at that.

Without hesitation, Naruto pushed him up against the wall. He didn’t care if anyone heard them or that the water was growing cold beside them. All he cared about was making sure that Sasuke knew his worth to the blonde.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into Sasuke’s ear, his arms pinning the other boy lightly against the tile wall. “I shouldn’t have said those things. I...was just mad...at a lot of things. But not at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. And you didn’t deserve to be yelled at.”

Sasuke wanted to push him away. Wanted to yell at him. He wanted to… touch him. Fuck. Why did his mind always have to toy with him? There must be something wrong with him if he couldn’t decide on whether on not he wanted to kiss the dobe or punch his face in. Yep, he was twisted.

“Sasuke?” The blonde asked, his voice lacking the confidence it had moments before. Naruto was not expecting the eerie silence that rolled off the boy in waves.

“Whatever,” he grumbled out.

Before he could turn his eyes away, he saw a small smile grace the blonde’s lips. Those same lips pressed against his own seconds later. Sasuke was taken aback by the tenderness of the kiss, thinking that something was wrong with it. Soft, gentle touches were exchanged between lovers, not between two horny teenage boys looking for a quick release. When the usual bout of lust didn’t come, he found himself growing uneasier. What they were doing implied something that they both said they didn’t want from each other. So, why were they doing it then?

His thoughts drifted off as a shy tongue traced his bottom lip, asking for entrance. He gave it without a second thought, and brought a hand up to cup the side of Naruto’s face. The kiss was slow and gentle, completely different from anything they had ever done, but it wasn’t a bad thing.

The chatter and laughter of their classmates around them mixed in with the sound of running water. Everything seemed to blend in together as they forgot about the world outside of the shower stall. A hand ran down Sasuke’s side and his muscles tensed slightly. He bit down on his lip to keep any
sounds from escaping. He didn’t need the blonde to know that he was ticklish there.

Steam stopped rising from the cascading water as the bell rang. Heavy footsteps and random voices brought them back to reality along with the shriek of the bell. Naruto stepped back reluctantly, his hands still on the other boy’s sides. They just stared at each other for a few minutes before Sasuke hesitantly pushed him back a little.

“I guess we should go,” he told him.

Naruto just nodded his head and followed him out. They dressed in silence and walked out of the locker room. A few kids were still running around in the halls as the two boys made their way out of the building and into the park. They still didn’t say anything to one another as they came up to the road, where they would split up into different directions.

The two of them stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before the blonde reached for Sasuke’s shirt. He pulled him forward and kissed him without a second thought. The raven-haired boy stiffened slightly, but then relaxed and put his arms around the boy’s waist. A few cars passed them by, but they didn’t take heed of them. Not even when one of them almost slammed on their breaks beside them.

When they finally pulled back, Naruto wore a small smile on his face. For some reason, he didn’t want to leave the other boy’s presence. He wanted to be with him for a little while longer, but he didn’t know how they could do that. Where could they go? And would the Uchiha even want to spend more time with him? He glanced up into obsidian eyes and found his answer.

“Um… want to hang out?” He asked, his voice cracking slightly.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at him, but didn’t answer him right away. He didn’t know if he could spend any more time with him because of all the homework and makeup work he had. Then again… he could just say screw it all and have some fun.

“Sure.” He answered.

XXXXX

‘This is stupid,’ the Uchiha kept telling himself as he watched the TV screen. He didn’t know why he felt this way, but he knew that it was a feeling he shouldn’t have. And why shouldn’t he have it? Because it was stupid.

Or to be more exact, because it was… girly. Moreover, Sasuke Uchiha was not a girl. So, why did he feel all warm and fuzzy- okay so not going there. He was just going to say that he did not like having girly, mushy feelings. They were a waste of time.

The dozing blonde in his arms snuggled closer to his chest, making him forget about his irritation with himself. Oh screw it, he didn’t care anymore. It’s not like anyone was going to find out about this. About how he liked to… cuddle. Besides, it kept him warm.

The darkness of the room kept the blush on his face hidden as he tried to distract himself with the TV. Of course, the movie landing right on the sex scene didn’t help him any. Stupid movie. Stupid Naruto for picking it out and then falling asleep on him. Although, he did make a comfortable prop up for Sasuke’s arm.

Cheesy music came out of the speakers as the girl on the screen moaned and begged for more. The black youth on the bed wanted to laugh as it sounded like an amateur porn video. Not that he knew anything about those, ‘cause he had never watched one…

The chuckle died in his throat though as he felt something wet brush against his neck. He felt the boy in his arms shift around for a few minutes before they got into a more comfortable position. A tongue traced small circles on his neck before moving up and nipping playfully at his ear lobe. Sasuke’s hands traveled down a clothed body to equally clothed hips, where he squeezed lightly.

Naruto pulled back a little so that he could bring his face up to kiss the other boy. It was just as slow and light as it had been earlier, but escalated when the blonde ground his hips into Sasuke’s.

“Good morning,” a voice whispered in his ear huskily.

Sasuke snorted slightly before saying anything.

“It’s in the evening, idiot.”

The blonde just snickered before bending back down to graze a collarbone with his teeth. Sasuke wrapped his arms around his waist and slowly pushed up the material of his shirt. His hands ran across his stomach and lower back before something dawned on him.

“Wait, did you call your parents?”

Naruto sighed in irritation as he pulled away and looked down into the other boy’s face.

“No.”

“Shouldn’t you call them? I don’t want you to get into trouble because-”

“Don’t worry about it.” He cut him off.

Sasuke glared at him. He didn’t want the boy to get in trouble because of him, again. But before he could say another word, Naruto beat him to it.

“Besides, things need to change…” He whispered more to himself than to Sasuke.

The raven-haired boy looked at him questioningly, but didn’t say anything else as he watched the tan boy rid himself of his shirt. Naruto bent down to kiss him again while his hands ran under the other boy’s shirt. Sasuke guessed it was his way of telling him to take it off.

Naruto sat back up as he helped the other boy get out of his shirt. He ran his hands over smooth, pale skin as Sasuke watched him from under his bangs. Sasuke chanced a glance at the clock beside his bed and read that it was almost ten in the evening. Shit…

“Naruto? Are you sure you don’t need to call?”

The blonde sighed heavily.

“I’ll call them later, okay? Don’t worry.”

Sasuke had no other choice but to believe him. So, he forgot about it and let himself fall victim to those hands.

XXXXX

She dropped the keys on the floor as she slumped into one of the kitchen chairs. Her eyes were wide and would have been comically looking if they weren’t full of horror. Naruto’s mother leaned forward onto the table and placed her head in her hands. Her body shook slightly as she cried silently to herself.

The image she saw a few hours ago was still fresh in her mind. She tried to block it out, but it kept on coming back with more force. A hiccupping noise escaped her lips as she tried to stay quiet. It wasn’t working though.

About an hour later, her husband came home and found her at the table still.

“Nadine?” He asked hesitantly.

She looked up at him and felt a few tears slide down her face. Her eyes stung irritably and it felt like someone was pounding on the inside of her head with a closed fist. She looked up at her husband with puffy red eyes and froze. What was she going to tell her husband?

“Nadine? What’s wrong?”

He pulled a chair up beside her and sat down. His arms wrapped around her protectively and held her close to his chest.

“I… I miss him,” she whispered hoarsely, knowing that he would think that she was crying over her father. She didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t every day that you saw your son kissing another guy.

And she didn’t think that her husband would be able to handle it… just like she couldn’t.

XXXXX


Okay… I am so sorry that this is crappy and everything, but I’ve had really bad writer’s block and school’s being a bitch. Plus, I’ve got a few issues that I need to work out and so far I haven’t been able to find any solutions. Anyway, I want to say thank you to everyone who reviewed. It made me happy. Really happy.

And someone reviewed my story and started to talk about themselves, but stopped because they didn’t think I would care. But I would love to hear anything you guys have to say. Whether you want to say that you just got a new piercing or discuss your own problems at school or whatever, feel free. And if anyone ever needs to talk to someone about anything, then e-mail me and I’ll gladly listen and help out as much as I can. I actually enjoy helping people with their problems… probably cause I’m used to playing the therapist.

So, just drop by to say anything and review!

Love you guys,
Innerchild