Tangled up in Lace

All of this, and the previous chapters, were beta'ed by the awesome Cindelius. ;)


Chapter Five: Damaged


The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
-- Allan K. Chalmers


Sound echoed around him, metallic and strange, it turned clearer as he gradually became aware of it. Naruto licked his lips and groaned half-heartedly, a stiff ache protested any movement of his. Naruto knew this feeling and detested it, there was nothing worse than the horrible complaints made by his body after being healed from particularly deep wounds. After some internal debate he settled for fighting his eyelids open.

“I think he’s coming round…” Sakura’s voice, most definitively. Naruto frowned and forced his eyes to open.

“S’kura… chan?” He mumbled, wincing as a ray of unfairly bright sunshine speared his pupils. He moved uncomfortably under the sheets, the ache in his limbs receded somewhat as he found a better position.

“Naruto, you---“

Tsunade cut Sakura off, stepping directly into his line of sight. “I should have you executed just for being an idiot.”

If his body hadn’t been one big mass of aches and pains he might have argued more strongly. He wiggled his fingers to make sure they were all in place and managed a slightly contrite smile. The best he could muster was a hopeful: “Tsunade-granny..:”

“Don’t ‘Tsunade-granny’ me, you brat! And you too, Sakura, stop grinning! Stop grinning I said!” Sakura’s smile was nothing short of ecstatic and Naruto feared she would throw herself into his arms. The intensity of her happiness made him distinctly uncomfortable, it was too revealing and too personal and the room was positively crowded.

“Tsunade-sama, Naruto’s fine… just a bit banged up, but he has healed most of the damage already and nothing happened. No Sound-nin managed to tamper with him,” another voice piped in, equally effusive. Naruto flushed, unsure of what to do with so many people fussing over him, enthusing over his health.

“Shizune, don’t you dare take their side on this.”

What… happened exactly? His memories of the battle were, at best, disjointed; a deeply unsettling feeling rumbled in his gut.

“Man, you’re troublesome Naruto.”

Shika….?

(…am I being supervised?)

Naruto shook himself and sat up on the bed, shoving the pillow behind him to lean his back on the headrest. There were even more people than he had originally expected and it reminded him – disquietingly – of how they had all been consistently there when Sasuke had just returned.

“Hey Naruto, if you’re okay then… can I have those chips on your bedside table?”

“I really should have brought my camera---“ Ino smiled, leaning on her boyfriend with a cat-like grin. Naruto hadn’t expected them to be there either.

“No attack could defeat Konoha’s finest youths in the springtime of their—“

“Lee!” Tsunade snapped, turning away from Naruto for a moment. “As Hokage I ORDER you to go back to your bed and LIE DOWN”

“But Sakura-san is here---“

“Sakura, take your boyfriend and tie him down, that’s an order.”

“Ino-pig, wipe that stupid smile off your face!”

The cheerful tones everyone put on were real, but Naruto could still sense there was something else lurking underneath, a hidden shard of ice. Tsunade’s eyes in particular were alarmingly glassy. A snapshot memory scrawled itself across Naruto’s mind: Tsunade, leaning back and panting, her fist dripping with blood while Jiraiya supported her.

Orochimaru… is….?

“Oi, Naruto, we brought you ramen!” Kiba declared triumphantly, settling the warm cup right beside his table. “Hinata say’s she’s sorry she couldn’t come, by the way.”

And now Kiba is bringing me ramen. The world is coming to an end…Naruto leaned back into his pillows and smiled, “You guys are the best.” And you are terrible liars.

Again, this comment earned him a round of laughter and mockery that he might have tried to live down, if it hadn’t been just too dear to him. He loved them all, especially now, when it was obvious that they were trying to distract him from asking a very particular question. Naruto’s smile thinned and turned bitter for a moment before he managed to smooth it out again. Yes, he loved them all and their half-assed attempts at keeping him occupied.

Under any other circumstance he might have played along, just to save them the discomfort of having to face up to what they were trying to keep from him, but he needed to know. Fear was a cold hand twisting around in his guts; Sakura’s kept blinking back tears when she met Tsunade’s steady gaze.

“Guys… I’m sorry to smash the party here but… where is---?” He waved an arm vaguely, letting the question hang in the air.

Kiba’s feral smile faded into a glum stare. Tsunade seemed to freeze momentarily, then she slumped with a sigh. “Ok everyone, I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave—not you Sakura!”

Sakura flinched and gave Tsunade a bruised look. “I’ll make sure Lee’s in bed and—“

“--- Lee can do that himself, can’t you, Lee-kun?” Lee nodded sharply at Tsunade and gave Sakura an apologetic look before following everyone out of the room. Naruto’s chest tightened.

“Tsunade-granny…?” Naruto looked at Sakura from the corner of his eye, but she pointedly fussed with some towels on a cupboard, avoiding his gaze.

Tsunade gave him a long look. “Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke was released from the hospital this morning.”

Naruto’s spirits rose and fell with a crash when Tsunade’s formality registered. “…and?”

Sakura sighed, hands curling into fists. “He is in the ANBU Headquarters right now…” Sakura’s eyes fell on Tsunade as she spoke, Naruto didn’t know what to make of that look. “But, as a doctor, I think he should have been kept under observation for a while lon---“

Tsunade made a sharp, dismissive gesture that silenced her. “He was stable and that is all that was needed.”

Naruto’s mind turned in on itself. “Stable? As in… out of danger? What---“ Another image, that of Sasuke retching a thing dribble of green oil, the pungently herbal scent of it… “He was shaking badly during the battle, and he threw up this weird green stuff… is he…?”

“Weird green stuff…? Oh… yes, of course.” Tsunade nodded to herself and rubbed her knuckles uncomfortably. “He is stable, Naruto,” Tsunade murmured. “That ‘green stuff’ was a mixture of oil and the antidote to a particularly nasty poison.”

“Poison!?” Naruto cried, struggling to get up. “He was poisoned by someone?” Sakura put a hand on his arm and shook her head.

“Uchiha Sasuke poisoned himself, Naruto,” Tsunade muttered, frowning deeply.

“He… what!?”

“Though it happened merely by accident, I believe.” Tsunade went on. “We also found traces of that same poison in Orochimaru’s bloodstream.” Her voice was cool and collected, so much so that Naruto could feel the unnatural cadence of it.

Poison in Orochimaru’s….? And Sasuke threw up the antidote… that’s… Naruto’s mind stopped and he breathed in sharply. “The senbon.”

Tsunade nodded approvingly. “Yes, indeed. We found a needle-mark on Orochimaru’s throat, the point of entry for the poisoned needle.”

“I saw Sasuke shoot it. He drew Orochimaru in and shot it. He…” He pretended to fish for a weapon under his shirt to throw the snake off. “He spat it into his throat.”

Tsunade appeared thoughtful for a moment and Sakura – who’d been oddly quiet up to then – turned on Tsunade with a look of profound hope in her eyes. Naruto shivered; he had an inkling of what was going on and it was scaring him breathless.

“I saw him shoot it,” he defended staunchly.

Tsunade nodded and bit her lower lip. “That was already factored in, but it is good to have visual confirmation. Apparently Uchiha coated his mouth and throat with a mixture of oil and antidote to be able to hold the poisoned needle without being affected… much. It was a strong poison.”

“How strong?” Naruto demanded, sitting up straighter.

“Very strong, Naruto.” Sakura replied softly. “Strong enough to seriously harm Orochimaru.” These last words were spoken while staring at Tsunade. The Hokage, however, turned her back on Sakura.

“But he’s okay, isn’t he?” Naruto growled, chilled by the interaction between these two women whom he knew so well.

“He is stable,” Tsunade punctuated.

Naruto clenched his hands on the sheets. “Then why was he released if he was only just stabilised?”

Sakura’s shoulders shook. “Naruto… it seems that Sasuke was in contact with Orochimaru...”

(Once a traitor, always a traitor, or so goes the saying)

“No.”

(If he does turn coat, or even dares to look like he will, all Konoha-nin have strict orders to take him down)

“Naruto---“ Sakura sighed, clutching a towel to her chest. “So far, the evidence is undeniable. Sasuke was taken by the ANBU to determine if this was really true… or not.”

“And why,” Tsunade added, giving Sakura a pointed stare. Sakura’s lips turned upwards and Naruto realised that – at some point during the argument – she’d exacted a small victory from the Hokage.

Why he communicated with Orochimaru…? If the Hokage pointed out that there would be considerations over Sasuke’s reasons… had Sakura won Sasuke the benefit of a doubt? Naruto wished he was better at controlling the blatant manipulations that were going on around him.

Sasuke is in the ANBU Headquarters… with the ANBU… Naruto could hear the raggedness in his own breathing, unable to stop it. Tsunade’s eyes were torn between rage and pity. “Is he… he’s… is he going to be…?” He stared up at the Hokage in terror and she looked away.

“We will determine the order of events surrounding this matter before taking any definitive choices.”

“He helped KILL Orochimaru!” Tsunade’s eyes flashed at his outburst and Naruto remembered – oddly, disturbingly – that Orochimaru had been her teammate once. Orochimaru had been her Sasuke. “He’s not a traitor,” and realising what he’d said, Naruto amended: “Not this time.” And, gods, it sounded horrible even to his own ears.

“… Naruto,” Sakura whispered. “It’s out of our hands now, at any rate.”

“Sakura…” Naruto whispered, aghast. She bowed her head and shrugged. “Sasuke must have known the consequences he would face.”

(And now you don’t even have to guts to live with the consequences of your own decisions. That’s just pathetic, even Itachi could tell you that)

“And when will I be released?” Naruto murmured, feeling the tightness of the bandages that were wound around his head and neck.

“I would prefer to keep you here for another day or two.” Tsunade moved to the window and leaned on the sill, staring out. “But I guess you could be released right now if you want to risk it.”

Naruto didn’t know whether he should be thankful or if he should hate her. “Then I want to go now.”

“You won’t be allowed to see him. I already tried,” Sakura whispered, splaying her fingers against the cold plaster of the wall. It was slightly cracked and she traced those crevices as if to distract herself.

Naruto pushed himself off the bed and shrugged. “Still.”

“I guessed as much,” Tsunade sighed, a wistful smile on her face. Naruto looked away, discomfited by her affection when she was telling him that Sasuke might be---

He almost jumped out of his skin when Tsunade leaned forwards to stroke his hair. The gesture might have struck him as motherly, but Naruto didn’t have a mother so he didn’t place the feeling. It left him both hurt and warm inside; he gave Tsunade a confused stare.

“Granny…?”

Tsunade shrugged and smiled weakly. “Nothing, Naruto. Just....” She seemed to change her mind for a moment, then she shook her head. “Nothing. Let me check you up one last time before you run off.”

* * *


Naruto stopped in front of the plain looking building that currently housed the ANBU Headquarters. As a jounin with considerable clearance he knew for a fact that the real Headquarters were at a hidden location; these small buildings that were changed every few months or so were the tip of the iceberg, and the full extent of the ANBU organization remained a secret to all but the actual members.

As usual, Shikamaru sat in the main room, staring out the window with his chin cupped in the palm of his hand. Naruto – and all of the Rookie Nine - suspected that Shikamaru was more than a mere strategic assistant, but that was a question that would never be answered in full. For the time being - having the responsibility of a genin Team to deal with - Shikamaru did not disappear as often as he did when he was first hauled into the organization under the pretence of ‘helping out with minor details’.

Today, however, there was an edgy nervousness to Shikamaru’s ordinarily-relaxed posture; his narrowed eyes did not stare out into the distance, they were turned inwards on himself. When Naruto stepped in Shikamaru did not seem in the least bit surprised to see him; and though Shikamaru was rarely surprised by anything, Naruto felt there was a more sombre meaning to his present lack of response.

Naruto grinned forcibly. “You’re here already? You were at the hospital with me less than an hour ago…”

Shikamaru smiled thinly. “I used up my lunch-break to visit you.”

“Oh… should I be flattered?”

Shikamaru swatted Naruto’s shoulder with no real force and gave him an annoyed look. “Troublesome is how you should feel.” The familiarity was soothing, it was something he found himself holding onto, in the face of what might or might not come to pass within the next few days.

“Come on, Shika, I don’t have to feel troublesome, it’s what I am!” Naruto grinned, self-consciously adjusting one of the bandages on his hand. At least Tsunade had taken off the ones on his face and neck; his ribs hardly hurt now; Naruto judged he’d be healed by nightfall.

“And that you are…” Shikamaru breathed.

Naruto smiled but got no answering gesture. Shikamaru’s gaze was steady and careful, measuring whether to take the initiative or wait for Naruto to jump in head-first. “Naruto… I can’t let you in. You know that, don’t you?”

Naruto’s eyes flicked over to the door behind Shikamaru. “You have him here?”

“Naruto…” There was a warming in Shikamaru’s voice, a knife-edge reminder of what his own standing was where the council was concerned. “Just… don’t.” Which might mean that Sasuke wasn’t there after all, but in the real Headquarters. Or might have been a general statement regarding the way Naruto usually handled himself.

“Shika…” Naruto nibbled on his upper lip and shrugged. He wanted to say that Sasuke was no traitor, but that wasn’t true; Sasuke had betrayed both Konoha and Orochimaru already, his records did not help his situation at all. “Shikamaru, Sasuke didn’t betray us, he fought for us.”

Shikamaru sighed and tapped his foot irritably for a few minutes. “I believe that too,” he said, after a moment. Naruto’s head snapped up in surprise. “But what I believe or doubt holds no relevance with the council’s decisions. The facts are… that Sasuke was in contact with Orochimaru’s ninja before the attack.”

“I don’t believe that…”

“Sasuke confessed to it already, Naruto.” Naruto sucked in a sharp breath that cut like glass. Shikamaru moved to sit by the window and leaned back against the wall. “Having confessed to that, the best he can hope for is that his motives are taken into account.”

Naruto’s belly turned to lead. “His… motives?” The Hokage had said something on the matter, Naruto recalled; or rather, Sakura had managed to get this point taken into account. Clearly, Sakura must have known already… Naruto closed his eyes and steadied his breathing.

“I haven’t heard all of it, but, apparently, Sasuke was informed of a possible attack, thought not of a specific date.” Shikamaru’s eyes spoke volumes of his deep disapproval even when his voice was as bland as milk.

“Why didn’t he say anything..?” Naruto whispered, clenching his fists.

“That’s anybody’s guess but… I think it was because his standing with all of us was…” Shikamaru trailed off uncomfortably. “Well, the first question this would have begged for was on the veracity of his sources. Even if Sasuke didn’t contact Orochimaru himself, he still kept in touch with him… and whether it was to defect again or keep tabs on the Otokage… he still maintained the contact, knowing Orochimaru was one of Konoha’s greates enemies. Knowing it was a crime for him to do so.”

Naruto’s mind went cold and a sharp sense of clarity pierced him. “Sasuke wanted to kill Orochimaru himself.”

Shikamaru nodded shortly. “I believe so too. I also believe that Sasuke had become aware of the fact that he was under surveillance, suspected of spying; under those circumstances, he couldn’t really expect us to believe him… and to have surrendered this information would have made it impossible for him to get close to Orochimaru in the first place.”

Naruto shuddered.

Shikamaru went on. “Of course… the council has their own point: by not handing himself in and extending this information to us, he placed Konoha under a great risk, and he kept the possibility open for him to return to Sound. First and foremost though, is that he leaked information to our enemy. The problem with double-spies, Naruto, is that you can never really know for whom they were working.”

You might even have been working for yourself, bastard.. right? You wanted to take the snake down with your own hands… and perhaps not even be for Konoha, but because of what he did to you. Just like you did with Itachi. Bastard.

“… Shikamaru---“

“--- I think that’s enough, both of you.” Naruto jumped slightly and turned to face the person who’d spoken with a sense resignation. Really, he was surprised it had taken the man this long to show up, but Kakashi, as always, was better at sneaking up on someone than it was fair for anyone to be.

One deep grey eye regarded Naruto warningly. “Shikamaru, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to talk to Naruto… in private.” Naruto had the distinct impression that Kakashi’s asking for Shikamaru’s permission was some form of perfunctory politeness, something in Kakashi’s tone and Shikamaru’s lack of complaints was very… ANBU, if there’s a better way to describe it.

Shikamaru nodded - a deferential nod - and waved his hand towards the closed door that lead to the main building. “There’s hardly anyone in, today.” Which could mean anything, Naruto realised.

Kakashi put a hand on the back of Naruto’s neck, guiding him forwards. His fingers were warm through the gloves he wore – reminiscent of Saki… somehow – but they gripped his neck with a firmness that spoke of Kakashi’s own tension. As with Iruka, Naruto was now old enough to be allowed to see the true fallibility of his teachers.

The door closed behind them with a creak of finality.

Naruto pulled away form Kakashi’s hand and turned around to face him. “Kakashi-sensei, you have to talk to them! Sasuke wasn’t going to betray us, he was just going to kill Orochimaru!” If he hadn’t been set on that, he wouldn’t have put on those clothes and coated his throat with antidote… he wouldn’t have put his own life at risk if he hadn’t really meant to…

Sasuke did more than put his life at risk though, he truly could have died.

The reality of it sunk in, suddenly. Sasuke could have died under Orochimaru’s hands if his plan had failed… he could have even died from the poison, because he’d been foolhardy and reckless and Sasuke was never foolhardy unless he felt there was nothing to lose. And he had felt – Sasuke had – that he had nothing to lose, that much was clear.

Naruto’s hands shook badly and he stuck them into his jacket pockets to hide it, knowing that Kakashi could tell they were shaking. “He didn’t betray us.” It came out sounding sullen, like a boy fighting back tears. It was damnably humiliating.

Kakashi sighed lowly and moved to sit on a couch that had been set in the darkened hallway. All the doors around them were closed and a gas lamp flickered as a moth struck it repeatedly. “Sit down, Naruto.”

“He didn’t.”

“Naruto… sit down.” It was the weariness in Kakashi’s voice that got him to comply, more than anything else. “I do think you have a point and I’m not the only one… however, Sasuke’s little plan placed Konoha in considerable danger—“

“---Orochimaru would have attacked anyway!” Naruto cried, his temper getting the better of him.

Kakashi sighed again, more loudly and with considerable annoyance. “Yes, probably, which is why Konoha needed to be prepared as a community. It helps no one to have a single rogue ninja going his own way and building up his own missions. There’s a reason why we are a town, why we are separated into levels, why we are put into groups and controlled by a council. You know this Naruto, everyone does, but Sasuke… it was not his place to arbitrarily decide that Orochimaru was his to fight. Not under these circumstances.”

“Kakashi-sensei…” Naruto wanted – desperately – to defend Sasuke, but he could think of no counter-argument that could out-weight Sasuke’s offence.

“Even if he didn’t have his less than starry records… this is the kind of thing that gets a ninja demoted, or worse.” Kakashi lifted a hand to quiet Naruto’s rising outburst. “And Sasuke was well aware of all of this, Naruto. If he acted as he did… it was not in ignorance.” Naruto could hear the pain at the back of Kakashi’s voice, the depth of an emotion that was not based on disappointment but… futility. Kakashi had always liked Sasuke best, after all, and it probably pained him that Sasuke had, at the very end, felt that this was the only thing left to him.

It’s my fault, isn’t it? If I hadn’t pushed him… if I had just let Saki be… if I had let Sasuke be what he needed to be…

But Naruto had wanted more, he had wanted Sasuke, and these were the kinds of things that Sasuke did.

(…you can’t even deal with me in reality)

“Is he going to be executed?” Naruto got it past his throat in a rush. His legs felt shaky and he had to sit down beside Kakashi on the couch.

Kakashi looked up at the flickering light of the lamp and remained silent for a long while. “Probably.”

A violent shudder coursed up Naruto’s spine and he had to swallow hard because he thought he’d throw up, or cough… or something. Kakashi’s hand was on his neck again, warm and understanding, but offering no real comfort. Kakashi had not lowered his gaze from the ceiling in all this time.

“His best chance is to prove his motivations – his true intentions – were in Konoha’s best interests…”

“How will he be able to prove that?” Naruto wondered despairingly, feeling Kakashi’s fingers tighten on his neck. “It’s not like they can read his mind.”

Kakashi was very, very quite then. Naruto stiffened and turned to look at him.

“Kakashi-sensei…?”

Kakashi’s one eye was hard and flat when it focused back on him. “Naruto, when Sasuke came back, after Itachi died… “ and Naruto could not help miss how Kakashi edited himself from that event. “He was questioned thoroughly until his intentions were ascertained - as much as that could be done without coercion – and he was allowed into Konoha because the Hokage herself interceded for him. But the truth is… Naruto… that many of us wondered if Sasuke would hold back and keep some connection to Orochimaru. Many hoped he would, because it would give Konoha the upper hand, whether Sasuke did it for Orochimaru or himself.”

Naruto stared down at his shoes, feeling small. “You were feeding him the information that confirmed him as the leak… weren’t you? You and… Shikamaru too?”

“Yes, and a few others.”

“And you knew about the upcoming attack?”

“… we had strong suspicions of it, yes.”

“So Sasuke knew about the sleepers who set the explosions off?” That was a sickening thought, in itself.

“No, Naruto, Sasuke didn’t know about them. In fact, it seems that they were ordered to watch over Sasuke, not the other way around.” Naruto hunched forwards as Kakashi confirmed that there were limits to Sasuke’s revenge this time, and his gut twisted as he realised that this kind of information… was not something Sasuke would have surrendered at the drop of a hat.

Naruto shook his head, trying to clear it, to go beyond the fear that whispered traitorously in his mind. “But then… how the fuck did Sasuke get his messages to Orochimaru or any of his ninja if he couldn’t leave the town?”

Kakashi’s fingers rubbed Naruto’s neck, willing him to stay calm, a gesture that only aggravated his unease. “Orochimaru… must have been almost ready to take over his body when Sasuke left Sound.” Kakashi leaned back on the couch, making the springs squeak. “By that time, Sasuke had already signed the summoning contract with the Snakes. That’s how he got the information through our borders.”

But Sasuke hates snakes… he hates them! And probably, Naruto realised, with reason. Naruto didn’t want to know what Manda had demanded of Sasuke in payment for the contract, it made him think, more than ever, of Sasuke’s eyes in the harvesting canals, the way he’d folded up and retched because of a snake touching him through his clothes.

“Sasuke hates snakes,” Naruto muttered, unable to think of anything else to say.

Kakashi merely nodded, sadly. “I know he does, Naruto. Believe me, I know.”

“So… if the council knows that he wanted to kill Orochimaru, and he wasn’t betraying Konoha… what else is there to know of his motivations?”

“The council and the ANBU feel they won’t be safe enough until they have made sure of Sasuke’s real feelings on the matter. They want to be sure that he was never, under any circumstance, going to defect again and that his loyalty truly remains with Konoha.” Naruto stiffened. What Kakashi spoke of was an invasion of Sasuke’s mind, of his very nature; finding out his feelings to ascertain his motivations? That was impossible! Furthermore, Naruto didn’t think Sasuke’s loyalties were that strong, and if he had indeed doubted, then…

It’s an excuse to kill him, Naruto realised.And Kakashi knows…

“You’d have to crack his skull open to get to that,” Naruto murmured, keeping his real thoughts to himself. He wasn’t even sure of what Sasuke’s reasons were. The last time they had discussed this, Sasuke seemed to have none, save that of following the momentum of his situation. “He won’t speak of it.”

But then… that doesn’t really matter in the ANBU headquarters, does it?

“No, but even if he did, no one would believe him. Naruto… Sasuke’s word holds less weight than a feather at present, and the only answers that will be considered real are those that are exacted of him… against his will. His real thoughts on the matter. This is also why and how – this time, unlike the last – the intent is to pry all information from him.”

Naruto clenched his teeth. His jaw ached and it was hard to see straight.

(… as a doctor, I think he should have been kept under observation for a while lon---)

(He was stable and that is all that was needed…)

“How will they make sure of it, then?” Naruto asked, and his voice felt as if it wasn’t his own. He already knew the answer to his question and it made his insides feel torn.

Kakashi’s grip on his neck was almost painful and his eye was hot and strange. “Because Sasuke isn’t being questioned, Naruto; he is being interrogated.” Naruto stared at Kakashi and Kakashi bowed his head uncomfortably. He let of Naruto’s neck, but before he did, Naruto had felt the way his fingers shook and it made him remember that, indeed, Team 7 had been more than a duty to Kakashi.

Maybe Kakashi hated Sasuke a bit too, for taking that away from all of them.

Naruto never thought he’d find himself in a situation where he wished he could comfort someone as difficult as Kakashi, and it brought him to him just how similar this man and Sasuke were.

“Kakashi-sensei…” He wanted to tell them man that it would be alright, but Kakashi was too smart to believe that. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? It’s not your fault, Naruto.”

“I… if I hadn’t… pushed Saki…” Kakashi shook his head and bid him silent.

“No, Naruto. You can’t blame yourself for that. Sasuke always made his own choices and this was just that. Sasuke felt he should kill Orochimaru and he set himself out to do it.”

“For us.”

Kakashi smiled sadly, the mask pulled taut over his curved lips. “You truly believe that, don’t you?”

(I won’t stop hurting you, Naruto. I don’t think I can…)

“Yes, I do. I really, really believe that.”

Kakashi gave him a long appraising look. There was respect there and it made Naruto flush. “I hope you’re right.”

Another moth struck the gas lamp and rocked it on its hinges. Naruto looked up briefly, realising that this was the first time he and Kakashi had talked for so long since Team 7 split up, and it was the first time Kakashi didn’t treat him like a student. It had bothered him with Iruka, but there was a proud reassurance in Kakashi’s acknowledgement.

He was breathing glass shards, but Naruto realised that if Sasuke died… he might still go on living, there might still be a life he could strive for.

I’m not alone.

Acknowledging that to himself was a step he had never wanted to take, the pain that came with the realisation was a cold brush-stroke on the inside of his mind. It felt like a betrayal, somehow.

Naruto might be capable of going on living, but right now, the very idea of it made him want to stop breathing altogether. Naruto got the distinct impression that Kakashi knew what he was thinking and, worse still, that he understood it.

But I won’t give up on you yet, bastard.

Naruto steadied himself and forced his mind to look past the current situation. Sasuke wouldn’t be executed, Naruto wouldn’t let them, regardless of the consequences. He hadn’t come this far only to give up at the last minute and if it hurt and it was hard to follow the path he’d chosen, then that only meant it was really worth the effort. I might go on living, but it wouldn’t be me, not really, so I won’t give up. I can’t.

Lee would have been proud of him then.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Kakashi murmured, watching the sad twitches of the moth on the floor.

Naruto give him a sidelong glare. “What do you think that Sasuke’s real reason was?”

Kakashi looked up at the ceiling and crossed his arms. “Revenge.”

Naruto snorted softly. “Predictable answer.” Very Sasuke, he agreed to himself.

“Sasuke is a predictable person, Naruto, whether you believe this or not.” Kakashi chewed on his lip, wrinkling the fabric of his mask somewhat. “He chased down Itachi because Itachi took something from him and had to pay for it. This was just more of the same.”

“Orochimaru didn’t take anything from Sasuke.” Not even his virginity, a darker side of Naruto’s mind supplied unhelpfully.

Kakashi’s sad smile was clear through the mask. “Maybe he wasn’t avenging himself this time.”

Naruto’s head listed sideways, trying to follow Kakashi’s logic, but the door creaked open and Shikamaru stepped in. “I’m sorry to interrupt you two but… Naruto, I thought you’d want to know, Sasuke is being treated by a healer right now…” And for what, Shikamaru did not say; it did not make Naruto any less sickened by the truth. “… he will be sent to his apartment, under house arrest, when he’s released.”

Kakashi nodded and closed his eye. “Ah…”

Naruto merely blinked. “House arrest? House arrest? What kind of punishment is that?”

“It’s not a punishment Naruto, it’s a test,” Shikamaru groused but Kakashi gave him a look that stopped him from saying anything else. Naruto gave his former teacher a nasty glare, lip curling in anger.

So like Kakashi, to refuse an answer if he believes one can figure it out alone.

“Forget that Naruto. If he’s under house arrest… well, that’s good, because it means the council will take the time to deliberate on his case,” Kakashi’s voice was studiously calm.

“Deliberate,” Naruto echoed quietly. “Meaning, they’ll decide whether to---“

“Yes,” Kakashi agreed. Shikamaru had the grace to look away, letting Naruto deal with the full weight of this reality. Naruto didn’t know what his face looked like, but Kakashi paled and turned away as well. It made Naruto wonder if his eyes had bled red, like blood.

“How long?” Naruto asked in a thin, deceptively mild voice.

“Until tomorrow morning, probably.”

His hands jerked. “I have to go,” was all he could get past his throat.

Kakashi said nothing and Shikamaru nodded, as if he’d known Naruto would say that – and he probably had, which was why he came to tell Naruto about Sasuke’s whereabouts – and let him pass through the door.

Naruto stepped out into the streets and shivered, surprised by how mundane it all looked, with a fish-vendor driving a cart down the road and a few girls laughing at the corner.

Sasuke might die tomorrow, but Konoha moved on, relentless. Somehow, that just made it all worse.


* * *


Naruto knocked on the door this time, unwilling to stress the situation any further by simply barging in. We have no time… no time at all… And that thought made his entire body feel unhinged from his soul.

“Hello?” Naruto called and heard something hit the floor with a crash.

Surprised, bastard?

“I’m guessing you’re in?” Naruto called again, purposely omitting either possible name. “Hm?”

“… go away.”

Naruto sighed quietly and ploughed on, feigning deafness. “Whaaaaat?”

“Leave.”

Not THIS again. Not now. Not NOW!

“Come on, pet. Open up.”

“No.”

“Open up, bastard.”

“No.”

Naruto leaned back and pursed his lips.

“I can tear this door down, you know?”

Silence. It didn’t even get him a rise.

Naruto felt anger curl in his belly: this pattern of theirs was annoying the hell out him and they didn’t have the time to circle each other like this. It was early in the afternoon but the next day… the next morning…

Bastard, there are ANBU all over the neighborhood, guarding your apartment. Did you see them? Can you feel them? Do you understand what’s going to happen tomorrow?

Naruto banged his fist on the door, cracking the wood. “Open up or I’ll come in the bad way.”

“It’s not locked, idiot.”

Ah. Damn.

Naruto had the grace to kick himself mentally before he turned the knob. He stepped in just as Sasuke – Sasuke? – slipped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Naruto growled under his breath. “Let’s not do this again.”

Please, not now? Please?

“Just say what you want to say and leave,” came from the other side of the bathroom door. Naruto was starting to seriously hate that door and the occupant beyond it. During the battle, Sasuke had gripped his hand so tightly he could still feel it, but now he seemed to have moved beyond once more, hiding behind layers upon layers of ice and deception.

“’What I want to say?’ What would that be?” Naruto searched his mind, trying to find the right thing to say at a time when everything had been said. Sasuke’s voice seemed shaky and Naruto didn’t want to know what the ANBU had done – was it Ibiki, from the chuunin exams? – to get what they wanted out of Sasuke. Naruto was terrified of the extremes to which they might have had to resort, to crack Sasuke’s will… and he wondered if they had even managed to do so.

As always, conversations with Sasuke never went the way they were supposed to; mostly because Sasuke was too smart for his own good and often expected Naruto to come to the same illogical conclusions his twisted mind concocted. “Don’t you want to have your say about Orochimaru? I saw your face when he was…” Naruto heard Sasuke heave a choked cough.

“He broke your arm and you stuck a seven-inch poisoned needle through his throat,” Naruto replied mildly, kicking the door for good measure. “What’s there for me to say to that?”

Patience. Patience.

“He fucked me.”

“Well, he certainly did fuck with you but—“

“No, idiot. In Sound. He. Fucked. Me.” A shaky breath. “Regularly.”

Naruto leaned away from the door and swallowed heavily, tasting bile at the back of his throat. Of course they had already clarified this fact, but they had never spoken of it, not like that. “He…Saki…?” He ventured.

“No, me. Myself. He fucked me. And I let him.”

“You already told me this, bastard.”

“But I didn’t tell you that I enjoyed it, did I?” He also hadn’t said that it had been him and not Saki who’d done the deed.

Naruto closed his eyes and put a hand over his mouth, afraid he’d throw up for real this time. Sasuke’s voice was raw, as if he’d been screaming for hours and he probably had. Naruto clenched his eyes shut and bit his lip so hard it bled, incapable of dealing with that idea. They weren’t supposed to fight about this now! They had to talk… Naruto had to find out if Sasuke might be pardoned and if not, they had to… had to…

We have to run away.

Naruto’s mind did an odd little twist, moving on to wondering what Iruka might think if he turned missing-nin with Sasuke, after this night. What would they tell the old man at Ichiraku’s?

Sakura-chan… Lee… Granny….I don’t want to… “Sasuke…” Reality fragmented around him as he found himself torn in two directions, incapable of moving without destroying an integral part of his self.

Sasuke, behind the door, was oblivious to Naruto’s sudden panic. “I did like it; he was good. Better than anyone should be. I bet he studied sex jutsus in Akatsuki…” Sasuke coughed roughly and paused before going on. “Did you know he used to fuck Itachi too?”

“Gods… Sasuke.”

“He told me about it.” A moment of silence, Naruto heard Sasuke breathe in sharply and he wondered whether it was from memory or pain or both. “Then he showed me what Itachi liked and what he didn’t like. I hated it, every time he did it I hated it a bit more. But I also liked it, and I always went back for more. It was distracting, you know? He was so good it made my mind completely blank. Can you imagine that?”

“… stop…”

“He called me ‘pet’ too… And another assortment of idiocies, but mostly Sasuke-kun. And he used his snakes sometimes.”

Naruto’s mind threatened to fall sideways. “His snakes? How---”

“You don’t want to know.” And he didn’t, not really. “He never touched Saki, he didn’t care for that. He never did anything to me when I was dressed up as her for a mission.”

“Sasuke…. stop, just come out...”

“He sometimes got us mixed up though – I think it was purposeful – and called me ‘Itachi’ in bed.”

(I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t breathe, I can’t even move…)

(At least like this, I’m not… me. And… I’m not even sure what that is anymore, anyway.)

“Sasuke, come out?” Naruto could hear a desperate scuffling sound from inside the bathroom. “Sasuke?”

“Just leave, will you?” Sasuke’s breath was short.

“Look, can’t we just—“ He was cut off by a sharp cry of surprised pain on the other side of the door. Naruto’s thoughts fell to pieces and he kicked the door open in sheer desperation. He stumbled into the bathroom, fearing the worst – whatever that was – and…

“No!”

Naruto’s throat closed up and he swallowed back the urge to cry.

Sasuke was half-sitting, half-kneeling on the cold tiles, face obscured by the fall of his hair, but Naruto could see his lips shaking in anger and pain. With his broken arm in a makeshift cast and another thick bandage above his knee Sasuke hadn’t been able to maneuver Saki’s clothes on. His broken arm got in the way so that the corset was partly undone at the top, the stitches not quite centred as he had to pull with only one hand to tighten it. One of the platform boots was on but the other was completely unlaced, Sasuke’s ankle was too swollen to fit in it appropriately. He’d at least managed to get the stockings on, and the skirt was looking rumpled but well buttoned up: dark and thick, with the foamy petticoats beneath.

Do you need it this much? Is it so terrible… that you have to do this to yourself to get away?

Sasuke hadn’t managed to get the garters on yet, though. His hair was a mess too, and Naruto didn’t know whether to wince or smile at the smudge of lip gloss on the corner of his mouth where he’d probably been too shaky to get it right. The creamy blouse – that new one with the pearl buttons – that went under the corset was creased all over and barely done up. Saki’s jewels were strewn over the floor along with a few ribbon chokers and an ivory cameo. Sasuke’s hands shook as he picked at them without looking up and then tried to tie a lace ribbon around his throat to hide the bruises there. His eyes were glassy, fevered; his pulse was completely off.

There was blood on the bandages; it would get on the shirt.

You really do need this, don’t you? And so badly it’s tearing you up inside.

Naruto’s eyes focused on the tiled floor for a few instants. He thought he understood it a bit more, finally: Saki wasn’t all about letting things out anymore, it was about keeping some things in. You twisted, twisted bastard… I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not realizing how weak you were, and how much it hurt you to be yourself.

“Please leave,” came the barest hiss from the creature on the floor and Naruto’s heart broke. He thought Sasuke was beautiful, right there and then; feverish because of his own poisoning, ungracefully tangled up in his lace and his finery, with bloodied bandages and bruises marring the image of unblemished flesh, but beautiful like nothing else could be.

“No… I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Naruto, fuck off. I don’t want you to see me like this. Not you of all people.” Warmth suffused Naruto’s chest, confusingly flattered by the admission and hurt by it just as much.

I might not see you again after this, if you push me out now.

Naruto smiled weakly and knelt to pick up a glove that matched the one Sasuke was wearing on his good arm. “Then… let me…” he reached towards Sasuke to help him up but Sasuke recoiled, twisting to try and land a blow with his booted leg. Naruto stumbled back and dodged the unexpected blow, felt it graze his belly.

“Just leave!”

The glove fell from his numbed fingers. “Sas—“ Naruto barely dodged another swipe. The cramped bathroom felt charged with static, the very air they were breathing rasped down his throat like acid.

“Get the fuck away!” Naruto looked at him. Sasuke avoided his gaze, keeping his face hidden in the heavy fall of his hair. His breathing was troubled and his voice was rough, like sandpaper.

Let me love you, as you want me to, you twisted bastard. He didn’t say it though; and the other thing he didn’t say was: I love you, which was also very true, even though he might never get to say it the right way. But even now – or perhaps, now more than ever – it was the truth.

Now, at last, he though he was seeing a bit of the true Sasuke.

Naruto stepped back and out of the bathroom but he didn’t close the door. He walked around Sasuke’s room until he found something that would do – something to aide him in the half-formed plan that bubbled in his mind - and then moved to sit on the bed.

“Come here pet,” he called, carefully cajoling.

Just be… whoever you want to be, as long as you are you. Let me give you this, let me be the one to give you what you need.

“Damnit, Uzumaki, don’t you know when to give up!?”

Naruto laughed and lifted his hands to tie the long black scarf he’d picked up over his eyes. It was made of lace and it was a bit rough; it itched but he tied if firmly nonetheless. “Not really, I don’t. Sorry.” It was remarkably easy to speak neutrally, without endearments or insults, and let Sasuke edge closer and make the choice for them. Sasuke needed this – Naruto realised. If Sasuke didn’t know how to be himself… and if Sasuke needed so desperately to be her, then the least Naruto could do was give him that illusion freely.

Even if it was Sasuke he was truly seeing; it wouldn’t be the first time they lied to each other.

”…sorry?”

“Come here, love,” Naruto insisted, allowing a sultry edge to colour his voice.

Naruto heard the sound of Sasuke’s boots hitting the tiles as he struggled to his feet. “Naruto, what the fuck are you playing at? Can you just leave me al---“ He knew, by Sasuke’s sharply indrawn breath, that he’d finally lifted his head and seen Naruto’s blindfolded face. “What do you think you are doing…?” Sasuke breathed in a weak voice. He sounded faint, beneath the coarseness of his wounded vocal cords.

Naruto outstretched an arm towards the sound. “Come here, baby.”

Steps sounded, slow and uneven; they stopped just shy of him, out of his hand’s reach. “Why are you doing this?”

“I think the answer’s obvious.” Naruto could feel the heat coming from Sasuke’s skin – fever, definitively – a few centimetres away from his fingers. “Come on, move closer.”

“Am I… is it… that important, to you?” Naruto wanted to ask him the very same thing, but thought better of it.

Gloved fingers touched his seeking hand, tangling with it.

Naruto smiled and pulled gently, parting his knees so that Sasuke stepped between them. He kissed the hand he held. “Saki-chan…uhn…” Naruto whispered hungrily, deliberately allowing a measure of his ache into his voice, setting the mood even further. With his other hand he touched the back of Sasuke’s thighs. He ran his hands over the taffeta skirt and then back under, touching Sasuke’s legs again, mindful of the bandages. Sasuke’s breath was rough, hitching further as Naruto ran his hand over the bulge making itself apparent under the silk panties.

“Naruto, why…?”

“Relax baby, let me do this for you,” he murmured, leaning forwards to press his face into Sasuke’s belly. It was strange to do all these things on the blind, but not bad… oddly enough, not seeing Saki helped him feel Sasuke much more clearly. Fingers threaded into his hair, they caressed his scalp tentatively, playing with his hair. Naruto huffed into the corset and stroked up Sasuke’s back, pulling him into a quick embrace. He let go before it became too evidently terrified.

“Now, come here,” Naruto coaxed, edging backwards onto the bed and pulling Sasuke with him so that the other knelt on the mattress as well. Naruto leaned back and felt Sasuke follow him until they both sat on the bed, their legs tangled awkwardly. He smiled, touching carefully to make sure where all the bandages were and how hard the cast on Sasuke’s arm was, then he leaned forwards and began to kiss Sasuke’s neck, untying the lace choker so he could put his whole mouth over the spot where neck met shoulder. Sasuke shivered and leaned into him, cat-like, Saki-like.

“Naruto---“ He wasn’t sure of who it was that spoke his name like that, but he didn’t really care. This wasn’t about who Sasuke was, or wasn’t. It would always be Sasuke, and all the pieces of that crazy person would be there, to some extent, whatever he did. It was the person Naruto hated the most and it was also the person he loved the most, regardless of the name he or she took on.

“You’re so fucking perfect.” Which was hard to believe, with bruises on his chin and bloodied bandages, but Naruto believed it and that would have to do. Sasuke did not protest.

“Naruto,” again, said in a voice that could melt his bones away if he let it.

A hot mouth descended upon his ear, kissing and licking behind the shell of it. Naruto shivered and sucked harder on Sasuke’s shoulder, smiling as he felt the pulse under his tongue speed up further.

“Lie back,” Naruto husked into pale skin.

Sasuke hesitated, but he lay back and Naruto’s hands followed the movement ardently. He pushed the skirt up. Fingers tried to stop him at first but then relented; Naruto suspected the compliance had a lot to do with the fact that he couldn’t see anything, Sasuke’s wariness was soothed by Naruto’s blindfold. The petticoat was a nice touch, he pressed it down on Sasuke’s thighs and stroked through the fabric, Naruto smiled when gooseflesh became evident under his fingers. He pushed the petticoat up as well and let his fingers pet over Sasuke’s groin, stroking with no real intent, until the hardness between his fingers throbbed with a palpable pulse. Sasuke was shaking minutely.

Naruto wondered, briefly, what could be running through Sasuke’s mind as Naruto did all of this to him. Was he looking at Naruto’s blindfolded face, or were his eyes boring holes into the ceiling?

Were his eyes closed in pleasure? Naruto hoped so.

He leaned down to put his mouth on Sasuke’s erection, mouthing through the silk just as he had that day in the pub, because he remembered how much Sasuke had liked it. It was rather funny to reflect upon the fact that on that occasion he hadn’t been able to see Sasuke’s face either. What a game of hide-and-seek they played! Yet, Sasuke might be able to look in the mirror and not find himself, but Naruto could see him perfectly, even now the image was burned into his mind. However much Sasuke might loose himself, Naruto would always find him; Naruto knew who it was he held in his arms.

“Lift your hips,” Naruto mumbled. He pulled the panties off, tugging irritably when they got caught on something that was –probably – the boots. Then Naruto’s fingers worked upwards, he stroked Sasuke’s cock a few times and then stopped, moving to unbuckle the clasps that held the skirt on. Sasuke’s hands caught his again, stopping the clumsy process.

“Don’t.”

Naruto batted the hands away and fiddled with the buckles again.

“Naruto…”

An irritated sigh left Naruto’s lips. “Let me do this, pet.” He hoped he’d directed his blindfolded stare at Sasuke’s face, or else he must look ridiculous. “Can’t you trust me?”

Naruto heard Sasuke lick his lips, the sound was strangely erotic.

After a few moments Sasuke’s hands covered his again, this time, to show him how take the skirt off and then help with the corset and the blouse. Naruto left him working on the blouse with his one good arm and moved downwards to take off both boots and then the stockings. When he next ran his hands over Sasuke’s legs and up his body there were no clothes on him. Sasuke arched slightly and hissed. It didn’t feel like Saki to Naruto, not really.

Naruto spent some time touching the body under his, unsurprised by the feverish warmth of Sasuke’s skin, by his lack of resistance. Once or twice Sasuke’s whole body flinched away from a particular touch an Naruto remembered to be gentler, wary of the wounds he could not see. Since Sasuke’s return, he’d never managed to get all of Saki’s clothes off; there were a few bits of skin he spent more time on because of this: the shoulderblades, the belly, the hard definitions of Sasuke’s abdominal muscles. Naruto licked over Sasuke’s belly button and felt the body under his hands go perfectly still.

Still ticklish, aren’t you? Naruto blew on the moisture and Sasuke let out and undignified snort. He might have laughed, but Naruto moved his hand to stroke his hardness again and Sasuke’s chuckle turned into a breathy exhalation. Naruto was surprised by how vividly he could feel Sasuke’s hips rock in time with his wrist; it was overall startling that he could be aware of so much and see so clearly now that he was actually bli--- whatever.

Philosophy had never been his thing anyway.

“You’re still dressed.” Sasuke protested unevenly, fingers tugging on Naruto’s jacket. It took Naruto a few seconds to realise what it was that Sasuke had said, his mind had lost himself on the faint moan that was caught at the back of Sasuke’s every breath.

Naruto licked a hipbone, running his thumb over the underside of Sasuke’s erection. “I don’t mind, babe.” He ran his lips over the path traced by his thumb and kissed Sasuke’s erection wetly.

Sasuke swallowed, hard. “B-but I do.” There was an un-Saki-like firmness to his voice.

That stopped Naruto. “Ah... er... do you want me to….?” He mimed taking his clothes off, hoping he was facing Sasuke at least partly.

“Yes.”

The sheets hissed; Sasuke’s hands touched his chest, hot and lacking any uncertainty. His jacket was pulled away and there was a brief scuffle over how to take his shirt off without making him lift his arms much. Naruto growled that his wound was well and healed already, Sasuke licked his ear and Naruto let him have his way without further ado.

Sasuke’s hands stopped above the lacings on his pants; warm palms settled on Naruto’s chest and pushed him backwards onto the bed. Naruto’s groin felt uncomfortably tight and very, very hot, he wanted his pants off, damnit! Sasuke made a noncommittal and sound and---

“Nggh… No!” Naruto stuck his hands into Sasuke’s hair and pulled him up again. “Don’t!”

“You did the same to me,” Sasuke muttered defensively.

Naruto fought some air back into his lungs, prodding at this new hurt he hadn’t anticipated. “I don’t want you licking my belly, it’s… it’s not…” Naruto breathed in, surprised that they’d never actually come to this; he hadn’t imagined his own reaction either. “Just don’t.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I do!”

“…fine.” Hands smoothed over his belly slowly, a mild apology. Then Sasuke’s mouth closed over one of his nipples and Naruto felt a purring sigh rise in his chest. Hands ghosted over his sides and skittishly pulled his pants and underwear down, Naruto finished kicking them off in a hurry.

Most of the time it was him doing these things to Saki, so he hadn’t quite got a feel of how it would be to have someone do these things---

This is not like Saki, not entirely.

This was… not quite… but very much what Naruto had imagined sex with Sasuke should be like. Confirming that little truth made him unbearably nervous and Sasuke must have felt it clearly, for he stopped touching Naruto altogether and the bed dipped when he sat back, taking deep throttled breaths. “W--what is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Naruto---“

“Nothing, really. I… that was…nice.” But it’s not what I want to be doing. I want you to be the one laying back, not the other way around. I want to give you this, because there might not be another chance… He didn’t want to think about the choice that lay ahead of him, it hurt too much and Sasuke was too real and tangible beside him.

Naruto groped blindly until his hand found Sasuke’s knee; that gave him an idea of where the rest of him was. He touched Sasuke’s shoulders and stroked his back, leaning forwards. With their chests touching, it was almost possible to feel Sasuke’s heartbeat drumming against his own. “Lean back again?”

“You too?”

Naruto found breath failing him as Sasuke pulled him down so that they lay side by side on the bed. In that angle… Sasuke was putting the weight on his cast, Naruto realised. “Your arm—“

“---Is fine,” Sasuke snapped and Naruto didn’t push further, he couldn’t have: Sasuke’s other arm was running over his hips and down, to play with his pubic hair. That tickled. Naruto laughed thickly and pressed his face into Sasuke’s neck; Sasuke’s hair tickled his cheek too.

Naruto let his hands roam over Sasuke’s skin slowly, skipping over the bandages where the rough cloth came under his fingers. Something fluttered in his chest – fast and uncomfortable like a trapped bird – when Sasuke’s lips ran over the blindfold, nipping at the edge where it touched his forehead. Naruto stroked Sasuke’s thighs - he could freely admit he loved the skin on Sasuke’s thighs – and reached further up to fondle. A drop of sweat tickled Naruto’s upper lip, he lifted a hand to rub it away but Sasuke’s mouth beat him to it, sucking on his lips slowly.

Sasuke was gripping his erection, stroking it faster and harder than Naruto was touching Sasuke in return. He thought of doing something to remedy that, but Sasuke’s nipping kisses where too distracting. Naruto groaned in pleasure when Sasuke angled his face to be able to kiss him fully, which they hadn’t done in ages. The dual sensation of having Sasuke’s hand jacking him off with a flawless rhythm, and a tongue rubbing against his, made his spine melt; the odd flicker of heat in his belly turned into a bright, sharply edged starburst. Naruto’s hips followed out of their own volition.

All Naruto was really aware of was the kissing, and who knew a kiss could be so devastating? He might have stopped to think about where Sasuke learned to kiss like that, but there was not enough coherence to his thoughts.

He felt too much, it was too intense and being blind made his body ache all over, hyperaware of the rasp of sheets under him, Sasuke’s knees knocking into his, the scent of sweat and the way Sasuke’s hair was getting into his mouth. Naruto’s breath turned ragged and he thrust forwards into Sasuke’s hands, a gasp turned rough when Sasuke increased the rhythm a bit more and his consciousness truly snapped.

“Naruto---“ Sasuke’s whisper, almost inaudible, was all that got through the roar in his ears and the force with which pleasure knifed up into him. It was cutting him apart, white and hot, a jagged blade of pure sensation. Naruto thought he heard a cry – probably his own – then he did cry out knowingly, feeling his nerves burn themselves raw.

---Then, after an instant of perfect oblivion, came the blissful thrum of receeding aftershocks.

Sasuke was kissing him still; a sensuous lassitude threatened to steal over Naruto’s limbs but there was an edge to Sasuke’s mouth on his, the way Sasuke’s skin jumped were he stroked it, that kept him all too awake.

Naruto pulled back and took a few long breaths, filling his starved lungs. “That…was…”

“Nice?” Sasuke drawled, in a voice almost Saki’s, and Naruto felt his cheeks flame uncomfortable as he remembered himself using that word.

“Yeah…” His hands pawed at Sasuke’s chest and went lower. At some point he’d stopped stroking Sasuke and there was a very evident sign of arousal there, temporarily unattended. Naruto felt slightly bothered by the fact that he hadn’t--- unless that was what Sasuke had intended?

A new idea snuck into his mind and lodged itself there.

Sasuke’s breath was short and fast but Naruto could think a bit clearer and a few things occurred to him: the first, that this was Sasuke, and being with him – knowing it was him – was better than Naruto could have imagined, to this, Saki couldn’t even compare; but the second thought was vastly more real and devastating was that this might never happen again.

Naruto pushed that sliver of fear into the darkest corner of his mind and focused on Sasuke’s body, kissing Sasuke’s neck and shoulders. He wanted Sasuke to enjoy this… he wanted - if possible – to erase from Sasuke’s fraught nerves whatever it was that the ANBU had done. Sasuke shuddered with every touch, as if he were torn between pleasure and something else that might have been pain, or nerves peeled rawly.

I want you… to keep this moment, as a reminder, at the very least, of what we were.

“Do you have oil, or something of the sort?” Naruto inquired warily.

Sasuke let out a huffed little laugh and crawled over Naruto’s body to reach the bedside table. Naruto listened to Sasuke rifle through the bottles and boxes that lay there. Sasuke’s cast was on his chest, Sasuke’s erection dug into his side. Naruto reached out and curled his fingers around the soft skin of the head, caressing it. Sasuke’s weight fell a bit harder on him but the clinking sounds continued for a bit longer. Naruto stroked more firmly and heard Sasuke’s hoarse voice break on a moan. Then Sasuke pulled back and pushed a cold little bottle into Naruto’s hand. Naruto grinned at nothing in particular and uncorked the vial: scented oils. Very Saki, but he shrugged that thought away and poured some oil onto to his hand, then put the cork back on. He rubbed his palms together to warm the oil up a bit and felt Sasuke shift on the bed.

“Lie on your back,” he said and he felt the bed sheets rustle minutely as Sasuke froze.

I might never be with you like this again, so…

“What?”

So… maybe, just this once… we should try---

“Lie on your back and relax.” The truth was, he usually took Saki from behind; not always, but it was mostly like that. That way, he didn’t see her face, which was what Sasuke preferred. Improvising like this was clearly throwing Sasuke off-balance.

Naruto inched forwards slowly, giving Sasuke space to object. Sasuke sprawled back down, on the bed, Naruto felt the mattress dip. He put a hand on Sasuke’s knee and felt it bend to allow for him to reach under. Naruto shook his head and pushed both legs down to lay stretched in the bed. Sasuke’s breathing had picked up a notch but it wasn’t all excitement now: he was nervous, uncertainty stealing through the cracks in his mind. Naruto didn’t want him thinking though.

He figured Sasuke would jump out of his skin when Naruto’s oily hands started stroking his erection so the upwards thrust did not surprise him. Sasuke groaned appreciatively, relaxing in slow stops.

Naruto felt one of Sasuke’s legs part a little; it touched his foot where he was kneeling. He rubbed harder and smiled when Sasuke made a soft sound, tossing his head, by the sound of the pillows. Naruto leaned down to take the tip of Sasuke’s erection into his mouth again and sucked on it. The sound of Sasuke’s rising breaths made his bones feel light, something warm had slipped into his ribcage and he wanted to laugh – a dizzy kind of joy that it was – but he couldn’t because the soft flesh between his lips was throbbing and Sasuke arched his back wonderfully. It tasted salty, a bit bitter and a bit off, with the sweetness of the oil in the background.

Naruto slowed down to hold Sasuke on edge and groped around the bed for the bottle of oil, feeling his breath come harder as Sasuke’s excitement fed his own back to life. There was a heavy, thrumming weight between his legs and Sasuke’s throaty growls weren’t helping his self-control, there was a plaintive undertone to them that made Naruto’s groin ache.

Aha.

Naruto’s mind crowed when his knuckles touched the bottle. He grabbed it and tightened his fist on it, sucking harder on Sasuke’s erection to distract him. Sasuke, however, seemed to have had his eyes open after all, for he curved his back again and seemed to want to bend his legs to help along.

Naruto pulled back fully, ignoring Sasuke’s miserable hiss. Sasuke tried to bend this legs again. “No, don’t,” Naruto murmured, and pressed the vial into Sasuke’s fingers. Sasuke stopped breathing altogether.

“Why are you… giving me this?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know what to do with it;” Naruto muttered, kissing Sasuke’s belly, which had gone hard like steel under his lips. It was a knife-edge he walked on now, Naruto knew, the fine division between Sasuke and Saki.

“Yes--- but you’re the one who—“

“I’m not telling you to prepare yourself,” Naruto clarified. I’m telling you to… gods, do I have to say it, bastard?

He felt a nervous shiver start up in his spine, not quite pleasant. He’d taken Sasuke more times than he could count and so he knew – in theory if not in the flesh – that what he did to Sasuke felt good. Sasuke wouldn’t have taken it from him after the first time if he hadn’t truly enjoyed it.

Naruto had never imagined himself in a position where he wasn’t being… on top, but, somehow, he had to try this. He had to give this to Sasuke, a shred of something in Naruto that Saki would never have, that only Sasuke could have, to see if it could guide him back to himself. The last piece of himself that he could give to this frustrating, hateful man, knowing that there might not be another chance to do so.

You were always such a domineering bitch anyways. Naruto wanted to smile, but he felt like crying. His fingers had finally found a spot on Sasuke’s inner thigh that was marked by a senbon and it made him think of the ANBU, and of tomorrow.

“Naruto---“ Sasuke sounded uncertain.

“I want this, I really do.” Don’t take this away from the both of us.

“You’re shivering.”

Naruto cursed quietly. “I want this, okay? I mean… I thought you’d… maybe…”

I did whatever I pleased to Saki and Orochimaru probably pounded you into the ground. I want you to have something different from me, for once. I want you to know that there was something more, even if you don’t have the chance to… Naruto’s breath hitched and he cursed quietly, arching into Sasuke’s hands demandingly.

Sasuke took a long, unsteady breath. “Naruto, I…”

Naruto reached between Sasuke’s legs and stroked his flagging erection. “It’s okay, let’s do this.” He sounded as if he were trying to convince himself – which he probably was- but it was the last thing they needed.

The mattress shifted as Sasuke shivered once, convulsively, and pushed the vial back into Naruto’s hand. “No.”

“But—“

“Not today, at least. I… if at all, not right now…” Sasuke’s voice faded away into nothing.

I can’t figure you out bastard, and I hate it. I hate you so much right now…

“Then… what?” Naruto felt a bit of his excitement ebb, nervousness crept up his spine as he realised that time was ticking away and they ---

(Not today, at least.)

Today. Sasuke had said, not today. Naruto’s breath caught and the vial slipped from his fingers. Sasuke picked it up and put it somewhere, Naruto didn’t hear that through his racing mind.

Do you really think… there might be a chance… after tomorrow?

But he couldn’t ask Saki that question, when it was Saki that Sasuke had chosen to be right there and then. And I won’t take that away from you…even if you speak of tomorrow because you don’t want to accept that there might… not… be one.

“Well…” Sasuke moved restlessly on the bed. “What about what we were doing before… when we were lying down?” Sasuke sounded exceedingly self-conscious. Naruto considered laughing at him, but decided against it. To think that Sasuke – Saki? - still had some prudishness left in him… but the doubtful gentleness with which Sasuke asked it was dangerously intense, it jolted Naruto’s nerves. There was something frighteningly sensual in that endearing uncertainty.

“Then… we should… I mean…er…?” Naruto gestured vaguely for them to lie down again and Sasuke snorted, which rankled Naruto’s nerves, given that he’d resisted laughing at the bastard himself. Naruto opened his mouth to say something but Sasuke beat him to it and pulled him into a heated kiss that took both his breath and his anger away in a burst of sensation.

Sasuke kissed like nothing Naruto could have imagined, with an edge of hatred and passion spilling over from under Saki and over whatever nightmares rode on his shadows. Sasuke arched under Naruto and groaned in relief when Naruto finally put his hands on him again. Naruto smiled, swallowing the lump in his throat, and kissed him back, throwing all the things he might never say into the slow stroke of his fingers.

It was a clumsy affair, all in all, and Naruto was grateful for that.

It wasn’t perfect or practiced, but it was real, it was all about them. When, at the very end, Sasuke arched his back with a moan and muffled his sobbing breaths into Naruto’s shoulder, he felt that, come what may, it had all been worth it.

If only, to fall asleep with Sasuke beside him, just this once.

This one time, before dawn.


While there’s life, there’s hope.
--- Cicero

Now, in all honesty... I HAVE to say this: that scene right here, with Naruto blindfolded so that Sasuke could be Saki when he most needed it, is the original bunny for this fic. ^_^

I'm very thankful to all the people who've commented, truly! Few things are as exciting as getting comments, good or bad. And, as always, big thank yous to Asuka for lending me Sasuke's bitch-boots and the personality that goes with 'em. XD