Naruto: the Musical

*Two months before Opening Night*

Nomme: Everyone gather ‘round! I have the final cast call here. Once you know your part, we will begin rehearsals. We have two months to get this right.

[Nomme eyes everyone’s faces, expressions ranging from boredom to barely hidden excitement.]

Nomme: The main character will be played by Uchiha Sasuke, which then follows that Uchiha Itachi will play his brother.

[Sasuke glares at Nomme, and Hyuuga Neji stands from his seat.]

Neji: Why does the Uchiha get the part? He didn’t want it yesterday, nor when auditions even started!

[Naruto, sitting between Neji and Sasuke, scratches his head.]

Naruto: He’s got a point, Nomme-kami-sama.

Everyone except Nomme and Naruto: ‘Nomme-kami-sama’?

Nomme: Are you complaining, Naruto?

Naruto: Ah, no. [Naruto blushes, unnoticed by everyone but Nomme, who’s looking for it.]

Neji: So when did Uchiha get so interested in acting?


*Nomme’s internal flashback*


Sasuke: I will not be a part of this. Uchiha do not prance around on stage singing stupid songs.

Nomme: That’s funny, because Itachi jumped at the chance to play a criminal who killed his father and now has the chance to kill his brother.

[Sasuke’s eyebrow twitches.]

Sasuke: My brother is not right in the head. I refuse.

Nomme: You’ll get a chance to kill Itachi.

Sasuke: I… No, I refuse.

Nomme: Okay, if you insist. I guess I’ll just have to give the part to Neji, and he’ll get to fuck Naruto on stage.

[Nomme counts down from three in her head.]

Sasuke: And I get to kill Itachi?

Nomme: Yes. But if there are real bullets in that gun come opening night, I’m going to kill you off in “Here’s to the Fox.”

Sasuke: Fine.

Nomme: Wonderful! You’ll still have to audition, but I can give you a pretty good estimation that you’ll get the part. Especially since your voice is so sexy when you sing… and cry out in pleasure. That’s really what everyone is coming to the play for.

Sasuke: When have you ever heard me do any of that?

Nomme: Have you ever heard of the shower, Sasuke?

[Sasuke leaves, slightly embarrassed.]

Nomme: Oh, silly me. Did I forget to mention that you’d be screwed senseless, too?


*End internal flashback*


Neji: Well?

Nomme: Some very important backers requested that the Uchiha play the lead.

Neji: Who?

Nomme: Me. Get over it. Now, to continue. The second main character, meaning the person to share top billing, will be Uzumaki Naruto.

Naruto: Yeah! Believe it! I’m going to be the best actor in this whole play!

[Sakura snorts, along with Ino.]

Sakura: Whatever, Naruto. You can’t act to save your life. Whatever possessed you to pick him, Nomme-san?

Nomme: He might not have a knack for acting, but his innocent and natural reactions will be perfect for this play.

[Nomme displays a perverted smile that only Sasuke knows the meaning of. Sasuke blushes.]

Nomme: Anyway, can I go on, please? [Nomme clears her throat.] The part of the distributor will be Maito Gai, and Rock Lee will play his son.

Gai: Aha! Nomme-san, I shall not fail you in this performance that celebrates the eternal youth and springtime of our children!

[Nomme laughs nervously and thinks, ‘Did he read the script?’]

Lee: Indeed, Nomme-san! I intend to act my very best in your masterpiece, and I can only hope that I stand up to your magnificent standards.

Gai: Nomme-san! Does this mean that my childhood rival would be Kakashi?

Nomme: Um… yeah? [Nomme turns to Kakashi.] Kakashi will play the role of the cop turned janitor… apparently. Any objections, Kakashi?

Kakashi: Who will my love interest be?

[Nomme curses under her breath and turns to the only copy of the script. She sighs when she sees that she did indeed write in a love interest for the cop-janitor-bartender.]

Nomme: … Who do you want it to be?

[Kakashi turns his head to stare pointedly at Iruka, who blushes when he realizes the implications. Naruto jumps from his seat.]

Naruto: Hell, no! There’s no way I’ll let that pervert anywhere near Iruka-sensei!

[Nomme stares at Naruto. Naruto stares at Nomme.]

Nomme: You’re certainly adamant about this, Naruto. Are. You. Sure?

[Nomme is smiling, but her eyes are steel.]

Naruto: Ah… Let’s just forget I said anything, Nomme-kami-sama.

[Neji sits down, finally.]

Neji: Why do you keep calling her that?


*Naruto’s internal flashback-two days after Sasuke auditions*


Naruto: Nomme-chan!

Nomme: Yes, Naruto?

Naruto: Sasuke-teme auditioned!

Nomme: Yes, he did.

Naruto: You have to cast him as the lead!

Nomme: Why would I do that?

Naruto: ‘Cause I don’t want anyone else to… you know.

Nomme: Remind me.

[Naruto blushes and mumbles something.]

Nomme: Come again?

Naruto: I don’t want anyone to… have sex… with me…

Nomme: Unless it’s Sasuke?

[Naruto nods shyly.]

Nomme: Oh my God! Naruto wants Sasuke to pop his cherry!

Naruto: Nomme-chan!!

Nomme: Okay, okay. But I want you to understand a few things, and there will be a condition.

Naruto: O…kay…

Nomme: First, I want you to understand that Sasuke is not a virgin.

Naruto: I… I k-know…

Nomme: Second, if I cast Sasuke as the lead, he will be having sex with other people – on stage.

Naruto: Uh…

Nomme: Naruto?

Naruto: O…kay… But what if Sasuke doesn’t want to have sex with other people?

Nomme: No worries, Naruto. I have him by the ba- I mean, I’ve got it covered.

Naruto: Thank you, Nomme-chan!!

[Naruto hugs Nomme.]

Nomme: Now, Naruto, the condition is that you must address me as ‘Nomme-kami-sama’ from now on.

Naruto: No problem! Believe it!


*End internal flashback*


Neji: Naruto?

[Naruto turns to Neji with solemn eyes.]

Naruto: Because she is my god.

[Neji blinks and turns away as if he never asked. Naruto grins.]

Kakashi: So?

Nomme: Iruka will play your old and rekindled flame.

[Kakashi smiles… one assumes.]

Nomme: Jiraiya will play the bar owner. Tsunade will play the roller derby queen.

Tsunade: Excuse me! That character is fat!

Nomme: I’m sorry, Tsunade, but you’re the only one who fits the character profile, though you are not fat in anyway. Just please deal with it.

Tsunade: I will not-

Nomme: Just fucking deal with it!

[The auditorium goes quiet. Everyone is staring at Nomme.]

Nomme: Ah, sorry. Just don’t piss me off, and we can have a happy, healthy working relationship. Now, Naruto’s friends will be played by Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru –

Shikamaru: How troublesome…

Nomme: – and Hinata. Neji will play Hinata’s older brother who is dared to approach a ‘pretty girl’ in Jiraiya’s bar. Of course, Kiba will be dared to do the same. Do either of you have a problem with having sex on stage?

[Both boys stare wide-eyed.]

Nomme: … With a guy?

[Both boys’ jaws drop. Naruto suddenly screams.]

Naruto: You’ve got to be shittin’ me!!

Nomme: Shut up, dobe!

Naruto: But you said-

Nomme: Shut the fuck up, usuratonkachi!!

[Naruto sits down grumpily, and everyone stares between the two. Nomme turns back to Neji and Kiba.]

Nomme: Boys?

Neji: F-fine…

Kiba: What the hell, why not? Hinata, it means nothing.

[Nomme smiles. Sasuke looks at Naruto, who is glaring at the floor, and then turns a wary eye on Nomme.]

Nomme: Sakura will play Lee’s fiancé, and Ino will play a barmaid. Chouji will be a bar regular with a crush on Ino.

[Nomme eyes the pack of loners sitting off the side, away from everyone.]

Nomme: Akatsuki, you guys just play it by ear. But if you follow any directions other than mine, you will all die.

[Nomme then eyes the other pack of loners on the opposite side.]

Orochimaru: So, Nomme-san, do I have a part as well?

Nomme: Of course! You can play the crime boss.

[Orochimaru smiles and licks his lips, and Nomme thinks, ‘… who gets killed within the first five minutes of the play.’]

Nomme: Anyone that I’ve missed – sit down, Sai! – we’ll get you as we go along. Now, I’ll get these scripts copied, and everything will begin tomorrow. Dismissed.


*The next day*


Everyone except Naruto and Kakashi: You can’t be serious!!

Nomme: Heh… heh heh… heh heh heh… ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!


*Two months later, Opening Night, end of Act I*


[Sakura runs up to Sasuke as he comes off stage.]

Sakura: Sasuke-kun, you were wonderful!

[She tries to hug him, but he brushes past. He comes upon Neji.]

Neji: I’m looking forward to later, Uchiha.

Sasuke: And I’m looking forward to you watching me and Naruto fuck each other mercilessly.

[He walks past Neji and his murderous glower, in search of his blonde dobe. Naruto comes up behind him.]

Naruto: Teme!!

[Sasuke whirls around.]

Naruto: Man, you did awesome!! But just wait until I take the stage! I’ll be so much better than you, people will feel sorry that you have to share the same stage with me!

Sasuke: Hn, I think they already do, dobe.

[Sasuke smirks and walks away, secure in that knowledge that no one has molested his dobe since he’d been on stage. He walks past a gathering of Sai, Gaara, and Neji, and they glare at him.]

Sasuke: Eat your hearts out, bitches.

Nomme: Sasuke, change your clothes! Act II will start soon! Where the hell is Kakashi? Jiraiya, get your voice warmed up! Ino, fix your skirt! Chouji, those are fake peanuts! Get ready, people!!


TBC


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next: Roller Derby Queen