Role Play

A/N: Chapter five!! So the fic keeps a-rollin’ and we’ll see how far we get. At the end of the chapter, you tell me if there will be a sixth of not! Enjoy and thanks to those that have reviewed and encouraged me to continue.

Disclaimer: Besides not owning Naruto, I also don’t own the Bloodhound Gang or anything related to them!


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Naruto was half-listening to Sasuke complain as the latter rummaged through his fridge. Naruto often wondered why he didn’t save the unnecessary expense and simply live with Sasuke. The only time Sasuke wasn’t at his house, was when Naruto was over at Sasuke’s. They ate each other’s food, slept in each other’s beds, and both men had ‘emergency’ keys to the other’s house that were used for everything but emergencies. The only thing they didn’t do was wear each other’s clothes.

Well to be accurate, Sasuke never wore Naruto’s clothes. Naruto smiled to himself as he pictured Sasuke wearing one of his bright orange ensembles. He sat down and started rifling through his wallet. Inserting a finger into one of the compartments, he pulled out the two prophylactics residing there. Turning them over, Naruto checked the expiration dates and winced. Jeez, he really needed to get out more.

Naruto headed into the kitchen and dumped the condoms in the trash. He was going to have to by new ones and definitely not at the hospital’s drug store. If he was crazy enough to do that, every female hospital employee would be breathing down his neck in an instant. He couldn’t believe the condoms were expired. Had it really been that long since he…you know?

“What are you doing?” Sasuke was eyeing him with evident suspicion as the blond crossed his arms, adopted his patented ‘fox’ look and began to contemplate the dismal state of his sex-life.

On their first date, Hinata had shyly given him a kiss on the cheek. On their second, she had gotten a little bolder and pressed her lips to his. At the end of their fifth and latest date, Hinata had shoved her tongue so far down his throat; he thought he’d need a fishing lure to get it out again.

Naruto knew that he wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box in regards to a multitude of topics; but if there’s one thing he could do- it was to spot a trend. And hence the inspection of his protection.

“My condoms are expired…got to get new ones…” Sasuke had to fight down his knee-jerk reaction to that statement.

“You really think someone’s about to take pity on you?”

“Shut up! It’s hardly a bad thing that, unlike some people, I don’t see women as cheap carnival rides!”

“Is that because there would be a ‘height’ requirement to get on?”

You would never have guessed from the bickering that they were completely distracted by their own personal dramas. Sakura always told them how weird it was that they could argue at such a level without even really thinking about it. At the moment, Naruto was incredulous at the fact that he was the owner of expired condoms; and Sasuke was reeling from the potential acceleration of Naruto’s relationship with Hinata.

Naruto ended the argument by sticking his tongue out at Sasuke, and heading into his basement/home gym. Sasuke followed- his mind racing as he tried to figure out what his next move should be. He decided that there was no way out of it; he had to tell Naruto his feelings. And he had to tell him now. If Naruto started sleeping with this woman, there may never be a chance for him after that. Sighing deeply, he opened his mouth to confess all.

“Naru…” Sasuke trailed off as he watched Naruto have a Calvin Klein moment.

In reality, Naruto had simply taken his shirt off and tossed it to one side. Sasuke somehow managed to slow it down to a frame-by-frame shot. In a process that went on too long and was over far too quickly, in Sasuke’s estimation- Naruto had completed his transformation into shirtless!Naruto.

Sasuke didn’t want to deal with shirtless!Naruto. Shirtless!Naruto made things far too difficult for him. Sasuke’s brain was forced to execute many difficult functions simultaneously. He had to make sure he did not blush, pant, have a nosebleed or become suddenly incoherent.

In a lot of ways, shirtless!Naruto was even more difficult to deal with that naked!Naruto. Naked!Naruto was a transient species that was gone almost as soon as he appeared. Shirtless!Naruto could hang around for hours, slowly tormenting Sasuke. In truth, that Naruto was second only to soaking-wet-and-clad-only-in-towel!Naruto, who could easily render Sasuke comatose.

Remembering the direness of the situation, Sasuke shook himself to start his confession. Naruto had powered on his entertainment system, and had dropped to the ground to do push-ups. Sasuke opened his mouth again, only to be interrupted by a blaring rock song.

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home-Ec class.
Later in the afternoon, some Jar-heads in the locker-room kicked my ass.
I said ‘guys I’m like you, I like monster trucks too! Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?’
I just wish I was queer, so I could get chicks…

…dig guys that are queer… Guys that don’t chicks… that don’t dig guys like me.
See I’m not queer, I’m too ugly.

But if I were handsome, just imagine how great it would be!
Incognito as a gay though, but not actually that way though; pseudo-homophony!

Sasuke listened in fascinated horror as the song blared on. Naruto, singing blissfully along, finished his push-ups and went to kick-box his punching bag. What was this- a sign?

…Scoring with a supermodel would be easy.
See supermodel means voluptuous, but also is synonymous with super dumb!
See I’d be a good listener so she’d treat like a sister, and soon I’d become…
That trusted friend that cares, rubs her back and braids her hair.
No it wouldn’t that a week before I’m in her underwear.

Sasuke didn’t know what to make of this. He was just sitting on the weight bench wondering if this was some type of cosmic joke at his expense. Naruto was completely pummelling the punching bag, apparently oblivious to Sasuke and his bewilderment.

Doesn’t matter what I’m packing in my denim, it’s what’s in my genes.
The only smoked meat, the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean.
See I’m not too keen on the smell of Vaseline…
No I’m not Princess Di, and I don’t wanna be the queen!
I just wish I was queer, so I could get chicks!

Anyway if I was gay, I’d have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis.
Hang out with my mom’s hairstylist: his name is Kip, he’s got a lisp, he ‘talkth like thith’.
And wear my mother’s lingerie, learn the songs of Broadway…
And appreciate Depeche mode and Avant-garde ballet…

“What the hell is that?!” Naruto stopped and blinked at Sasuke’s outburst. “Where the hell do you find crap like that to listen to?”

“What, it’s the Bloodhound Gang! It was a thank-you gift from Hinata’s friend for treating her… Apparently he’s into anything that has a canine connotation and…”

“You like that song!” Sasuke said it in the most accusing voice he could summon.

“Well yeah, their songs are hilarious. You should hear this one tune ‘I hope you die’, I was cracking up during the entire…”

“So you think just because a guy likes another guy, he’s going to go running around in his mom’s underwear and breaking into songs from the ‘Sound of music’?”

“What?! No… Sasuke, this song is just a dumb joke. Although I do agree with the part about girls throwing themselves at the angst-filled, bishounen gay guys. Think about it, high school girls, college women…yaoi fangirls!” (O.o;;) (¬.¬;;) (-.-;;)

“Dumb joke? It’s a dumb joke? All that song is doing is perpetuating a completely asinine stereotype that…”

“That what? That gay guys are hot and could get any girl they want, but don’t- on the account that they’re gay? Yes, that’s just vicious slander isn’t it? One of the band member’s girlfriend probably left him for a gay guy. They are just making a stupid joke. They make jokes at everything, like the guys who make South Park. Do you get pissed at Cartman in every episode? You’re in the music industry for Kami-sama's sake! Since when do you get so offended by…”

Sasuke stiffened as Naruto stopped defending himself, and chose instead to regard him silently. Sasuke could hear the gears grinding in Naruto’s head, and knew he had to stop the process quickly. When Naruto starts playing ‘connect the dots’, he could probably find Carmen Sandiego.

Sasuke forced his voiced to sound conciliatory and a little contrite.

“Tsk, forget it. I went to the Sound today and got a little wound up, that’s all.” This was supposed to translate to Naruto as ‘I’m just picking a fight to blow off steam.’

Naruto nodded slowly, but didn’t appear to completely accept the explanation. Sasuke sighed and stood up to leave. He knew he was taking the song far too seriously and blowing everything out of proportion. He couldn’t help it though. It felt as if he had been shot down without even getting a chance to state his case. He felt defeated.

“Look, I’m a little tired and out of it. I’m just going to head home.” He headed past Naruto, who still felt a little bewildered and worried at the odd turn of events.

“Sasuke?” Naruto called to him as he went up the steps. Sasuke ignored him and headed out the basement door. A few seconds later, Naruto heard his front door slam. The blond slumped tiredly. “It was just a stupid song…”


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As Hinata played with her keys, Naruto waited for the inevitable invitation.

“Do you want to come in for a drink or something?” Hinata asked shyly as Naruto smiled.

“Yeah, sure…”

It wasn’t very long before they were upstairs in her bedroom, Hinata tugging at Naruto’s clothes as she moved him towards her bed.

“You’re really good at this…” Hinata complimented Naruto’s kissing skills between pants, as she succeeded in removing his shirt and piloting him to the foot of her bed.

“I glad you think so; because I’m really out of practice.” Hinata giggled as she shoved him unto her soft mattress and fluffy pillows.

She straddled him and continued to kiss him, trailing her lips along his jaw line and his neck. Her hand dived underneath one of her pillows to fish something out. In a few minutes, Naruto found both his hands securely handcuffed to the bed-head. To say he was surprised would be an understatement.

“You keep silk handcuffs under your pillow?” Hinata smiled and used her long hair to sweep down Naruto’s bare chest, the sensations effectively distracting him. She quickly and efficiently removed the rest of his clothes, before stopping.

“I need to get ready… I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” And with that, Hinata excused herself and went into an adjoining bathroom.

Naruto tugged at the cuffs experimentally. He really wasn’t expecting this, but it wasn’t all that strange. Hinata was taking a while in the bathroom and Naruto to wonder if her shyness had returned full force. He was about to call out to her when the bathroom door flew open.

Jésus Maria Jose, what the hell did he just get himself into?

There stood Hinata, framed in the bathroom doorway, in all her black leather glory. Black leather, thigh-high boots over black fishnet stockings, led up to the short-shorts and a backless vest. Hinata’s long blue-black hair added greatly to the overall effect. Nothing about the outfit though, could distract Naruto from the long leather whip in the young woman’s hand.

“Umm, Hinata?”

“That’s Hinata-sama to you, slave!!” Naruto’s eyes widened as Hinata cracked the whip- making a sound like a pistol-shot. In a horribly clichéd moment; Naruto’s life flashed before his eyes.

Miso Pork Ramen…Shrimp Ramen… Beef Ramen…Korean Barbeque… Korean Barbeque Ramen(?)

His and Sasuke’s first kiss…Ramen…The day Sasuke told him he was his best friend…Ramen…Peeking at Sakura in the public bath…The subsequent hospital visit…

Running through the fields with his faithful dog, Lassie… Wait, that memory wasn’t even his.

All Naruto knew at this point was that he didn’t want to die. He wanted to live…LIVE!!

Before Naruto could speak, Hinata landed on him with a soft thud, knocking the wind out of him.

“Naruto, sometimes in the throes of pleasure, people might shout out things they don’t mean. Like say ‘stop twisting them, you crazy bitch, you’re going to break them off!’, ‘where the hell do you think you’re putting that thing?’, ‘vibrators shouldn’t have horsepower’ or ‘I swear to god, I’ll have you institutionalized.’ That’s why we are going to have a safety word...”

Naruto voice squeaked out in horror: “Safety word?”

“Yes, just as a precaution... and for tonight is it’s ‘Verbloggenflerfluffeneinekleinenachtmusik’! Got it? Good!”

“Versace falafel what?” The rest of Naruto’s panicked question was cut of by Hinata stuffing a sock in his mouth.

How was he supposed to say anything with a sock stuffed in his… oh.

“Now, I’m going to punish you until I think you are completely rehabilitated.”

Naruto wasn’t listening to her. He was busy using that talented tongue of his to force the sock out of his mouth. He prayed to Kami-sama that the sock wasn’t used. As Naruto worked, Hinata pulled a large box from under the bed, containing some of the freakiest paraphernalia the man had ever seen. Where the hell was the sweet shy girl he met at the hospital?

Hinata finally emerged with what appeared to be a dildo-shaped taser; that gave off small electrical sparks as it rotated at a ridiculous speed.

“It’s called the 'Space Invader'…” Hinata supplied helpfully. “…you don’t want to know the amount of batteries this thing will eat through!”

As Hinata prepared to sit on the bed and lean towards him; Naruto finally succeeded in spitting out the sock.

“Verbally flying kites! Vermin infested murals! Vilifying elderly matches! Please just let me go!I ain’t done nothing but good…I swear to Kami-sama, I ain’t done nothing but goo-ood!” Naruto was prepared to start sobbing if he needed to; as Hinata looked at him askance.

“Naruto, are you trying to say the safety-word?” Naruto nodded energetically, giving her his best pleading expression. “Well damn…”

Hinata put down the toy and opened Naruto’s cuffs. Naruto sighed in relief as he sat up, rubbed his wrists and tried to rid his mouth of the taste of sock. Hinata looked at him a little sadly.

“I was so hoping you’d be into this…”

“I really think you should have asked first… but sorry S&M play is a bit too far out of left field for me. I would never have figured you for the type…at all Hinata.”

“Well, I’ve been in assertiveness therapy for a while now. My counsellor, Kakashi-sensei, suggested experimenting sexually and…”

“Wait, Kakashi? Tall guy with silver hair, only ever shows one eye?”

“Yeah, you know him?”

“He was my high school literature teacher. We only ever read one series… Come-come Paradise, Come-come Violence, Come-come Tactics, Come-come come-come…”

“Yeah, same thing in therapy... Anyway, I discovered this and found that I liked it. Now I can’t ever achieve- you know- without some bondage play.”

“I don’t think I could ever achieve- you know- with it!” Hinata sighed and looked at Naruto forlornly.

“It’s not going to work out, is it?” Naruto sighed and shook his head- not on this or any other planet! “I hate this, it always happens…I really liked you Naruto.”

Naruto was about to respond, when he and Hinata were distracted by the sound of someone grunting and clambering up the window. The next second, a scratched up and scruffy young man came tumbling through.

“Kiba-kun!!” Naruto hurriedly grabbed the sheets to cover himself as he stared in shock at Kiba.

“What the hell man, what the hell?” Kiba ignored Naruto’s shocked outburst as got to his feet and went over to Hinata.

“Hinata, I can’t stand idly by and let you do this anymore. You shouldn’t be with him…You should be with me!” Naruto’s eyebrow twitched at yet another sudden, extremely weird, turn of events. He quietly got dressed as he observed the odd interchange.

“But Kiba-kun…I always thought you just looked at me as a sister!”

“Trust me…I have a sister! If I ever caught myself thinking about her the way I think about you, I’ll commit seppuku!”

“But then, you know about my kink, right?” Hinata looked at him uncertainly as Kiba grinned.

“I think it’s one of the hottest things ever. I’ll do anything you want, as long as you call me a bad dog… and other dog-related epithets.”

“Oh Kiba-kun, you know I will…bitch!”

“OooOOoookay! I’ll be going now! You two enjoy your evening, you make a lovely couple and I’ll see myself out, bye!” Naruto didn’t even wait for a reply as he sped out of the room and escaped into the chilly night.

Maybe he should have been depressed by what just happened. For some reason though, Naruto couldn’t help but feel like one of the luckiest men on the planet.


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A/N: I guess that was the ‘get-rid-of-Hinata’ chapter. So for those of you who were getting worried, I’ve pawned her freaky ass unto Kiba. I tried to find the worst/best song to interrupt a gay confession. I think I found it. I love the Bloodhound Gang, their music is insane! I’m not completely evil and I wouldn’t torture sweet Sasu-chan indefinitely. There is a reason I’ve had things going the way they have, in regards to both Sasuke’s and Naruto’s actions. So I’ve been writing their behaviours and responses with that in mind. It will all make sense when we get to it. That is, if you guys give me the okay to continue. So Chapter 6? I am amazed that I ever thought this was a one-shot! Thanks for reading and I hoped you enjoyed.