Broken

------ Ch. 4 ------

Warm water slid over his hair and down his back. The way the fingers slid over his scalp, scrubbing softly at the silver hair, was relaxing. He was getting far too used to this after only a week.

During the day, Iruka was seemingly back to his bright, happy self. They spent the mornings training, and in the afternoons he'd read while the teacher wrote out lesson plans. Kakashi sent those, along with an informal daily report, back to Konoha via Pakkun in the evenings. He'd informed Iruka the first time, that if he wished to send anyone a letter, Pakkun could do that as well. His ninken had shot him a dirty look just outside of the chunin's field of vision. Iruka had furrowed his brows, shoved the scrolls he'd written at Kakashi, and then refused to look at him for the entirety of dinner. So, the copy-nin didn't bring it up again.

Despite the daylight smiles, however, the nightmares weren't going away. And, he often found his arms full of sniffling, shaking chunin before morning came. It worried him. So much so, that for the last few days he found himself awake hours after he'd seen Iruka off to bed, only sleeping once the dark-haired man crawled in with him. Even then, it was a light sleep as he whispered comforting words to the other man. He'd feign sleep when Iruka finally slipped away in the morning, and neither brought it up during the day.

He pushed the thoughts away, for the moment, and simply enjoyed the all too comforting feeling of having his hair washed.

---

Kakashi rubbed small circles into the palm of Iruka's hand as he tried to find the words he was looking for. Usually, he just started talking about various random topics, like his missions, gossip, and Icha Icha; which always made the chunin blush, which was always entertaining. He rubbed his thumb over Iruka's wrist and cleared his throat, the other man raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything.

"You know I only want to help right?" Might as well start off making sure the chunin knew this wasn't going to be the same nearly one-sided conversation it had been on previous nights. And, maybe clarifying that it wasn't just curiosity, or worse, some sick game he was playing, would keep the chunin from clamming up or killing him.

He watched the way Iruka tensed before finally nodding. "It's not that I want to make you uncomfortable or upset." Kakashi stared at his hands as he worked. "But, I'm not sure how to ask you what I need to ask."

"You could try Naruto's approach, and ask me how I can let somebody do those things to me, or Ibiki's and ask how I can possibly consider it a sign of love." The tone was resentful as Iruka tried to pull his wrist away.

"That's not what I was going to ask," the silver-haired nin said, sparing a glance from under the cover of his still damp hair. "I'm sure you don't know the answer to those, or you'd have given it to them and then, I assure you, I'd already know." He tried to keep his tone soothing, but they still seemed to brush the chunin the wrong way.

"I don't want to talk about this," Iruka said, glowering at him.

Kakashi sighed. "I can help, if you'll just trust me. And, I promise I'm not going to try and tell you that you're some kind of idiot for letting Mizuki do those things to you." He waited until the tanned wrist he was still holding was no longer being tugged on, before he continued. "More importantly, I don't consider them entirely bad things. It's strictly a matter of degree."

The last remark seemed to genuinely surprise the chunin, and he visibly relaxed. Albeit, a good part of that was probably from the shock he wasn't going to be berated yet again.

"Tell me about your kinks." He cringed inwardly, and thought about how brilliantly he, the supposed genius, just phrased that /question/. There was no way Iruka was going to do anything of the sort. The dark-haired nin would likely punch him and storm off, no matter how clingy he'd been lately. You simply didn't go telling somebody other than a lover those kinds of things. And, Kakashi was guessing, it would have to be a person you'd been with for awhile.

"I..." Kakashi risked another small glance at the chunin to find him blushing and looking rather like he was imitating a fish. "..can't" The word slipped, seeming to surprise even Iruka.

Kakashi considered the situation for a moment. "Come here." He pulled on the chunin's wrist. Iruka seemed more than a little hesitant by this point, but allowed himself to be dragged between the copy-nin's legs, with his back against the man's chest. "Now you don't have to look at me, you can even pretend your talking to yourself, if you like."

"I doubt very much that I can pretend that you're not here," Iruka said, his voice laced with irony.

"I could henge into a pillow if you like," he teased and then smiled at the way Iruka's shoulders shook as he laughed.

"You'd make a very strange pillow, Kakashi."

"Fine, you can just pretend I'm somebody else then," he said, pretending to pout. "If you tell me who, I'll even henge into them for you."

"You're insane, you realize that, right?" Iruka asked, shaking his head slightly.

"Maybe, but I will, if you need me to." Kakashi released Iruka's hand and took the other, starting the massage all over.

"It's okay, it's just embarrassing," he said as he laid his head back to rest on Kakashi's shoulder. "I know it's because of Mizuki, but I can't help them."

"There are usually reasons for them, and I'm pretty sure the kinks are not the problem. More than likely, it's the severity to which they're carried out." He poured a little more oil into his hand before working his hands slowly up Iruka's arm.

"It's a lot harder than you make it sound." The brunette leaned forward as Kakashi released his arms and touched the man's shoulder's lightly. "I can talk about it with Ibiki only when we're actually... were... when we were." Iruka's voice took on a slightly irritated tone. "Never again."

"You could..."

"NO!" Iruka cut him off, turning around slightly to fix him with a glare for a moment. "If he hadn't let... then maybe. If he had done anything else but that."

"Hn..." Kakashi brushed the loose brown hair out of the way and began rubbing the caramel shoulders again. "I need to know, in order to help."

"I like..." Iruka swallowed. "I don't know why, but I like it when he ties me up. The way the ropes feel on my skin, the tighter the better. I want them to leave marks."

The sudden willingness to talk about it bothered the jounin, almost more than the words themselves. "Being tied up is supposed to demonstrate a willingness to give up control. The person tying you up has a choice." He felt the muscles under his hands tense and focused his attention on gently kneading them until the chunin relaxed again. "They can turn it into a power game and take what they want. Or, they can refuse to take anything, refuse to let you give them anything, unless you ask for it. It should be about the two people involved caring enough about one another to think of the other person before themselves."

"I like the way it feels, though."

"Hai, it causes your adrenaline to spike. There are less harmful ways to do that, however. And, they're much more effective, I might add." Kakashi swept his hands down the tan muscles of Iruka's back. "What else?"

"I like... I like when he talks to me, tells me what I want." He knew the chunin was blushing at his own words, simply by the way his voice quieted near the end of the statement.

"Of course, it's nice to know they know what you like, and it allows you a glimpse into their fantasies. As long as the words aren't used to hurt." The chunin tensed again, and Kakashi worked at a knot in Iruka's lower back, letting the chunin absorb the information.

"I like when he tells me I'm a horrible person and punishes me for it. I feel better afterwards. Especially, if it breaks the skin. Every touch feels better, every kiss is like he's healing the wounds and, for once, they're not just in my head."

Kakashi felt himself tense at that one, his hands going still for the briefest second. "All shinobi, possibly all people, feel like they need to atone for the things they've done, said, even thought at some point." He pulled Iruka backwards to lean on his chest. "But, the person who loves you needs to remind you of the things that are good about you," he said, leaning forward. "So you don't forget." The words were whispered, his breath causing a few strands of hair to tickle Iruka's ear.

After a moment, Kakashi leaned back and began running his fingers through Iruka's hair, gently massaging his scalp and temples. "Spanking, gently brings the blood to surface, it makes things feel more sensitized. They don't need to break skin to do that."

Working his hands down over the chunin's toned shoulders, Kakashi paused for a moment, considering what the other man had said. "And the reason it feels good to bleed is very close to the same reason it feels good to cry or scream or even train until every single muscle hurts. It's the adrenaline. However, unlike the others, drawing your own blood leaves a permanent mark and does a lot more physical damage. If you're not careful you could lose your ability to continue being a shinobi." He felt Iruka take a breath, ready to say something and cut the chunin off before he could. "I know you're careful. I know Ibiki's careful. Hell, I'm sure even Mizuki was, after all he wouldn't have wanted anyone to find out." He let the words sink in and was surprised the brunette didn't take the chance to protest. "That said it only takes one mistake. Being startled by somebody banging on your door with an emergency, a slip of the wrist, a cough and everything you've worked for could be gone."

"It could be anyway." It wasn't a sullen or spiteful remark merely the other making a point.

"Yes, but the weight of only one of those is truly on your shoulders. The other's on fate's." The chunin leaned against him, resting his head in the crook of Kakashi's neck.

"The scars..." Iruka didn't finish the thought.

"Hn... That one I understand the best. I'm reminded of why I have them, every time I see them. It tells me, I survived. But, when I look in the mirror, sometimes all I can see is that somebody else didn't." He leaned his scared cheek against the side of Iruka's head. "I hate it the most because knowing that, hurts." He wrapped his arms around Iruka, holding him close. "It's actually two scars. I got it first when I saved his life.... then he saved mine. And so, I love it the most because it proves he existed. And, I know how much he loved me, and how much I loved him."

Iruka tried to twist around to look at him, and, after a moment, Kakashi let him. The chunin lifted the black fabric he used as a substitute for his hitai-ate, and traced over the scar there with his thumb. He let Iruka wipe away the tears he hadn't noticed, and watched as the chunin blinked back his own.

Slowly, Iruka leaned forward and planted soft lips against the pale white line. It was nearly too light, too brief to really feel it. A ghost of a kiss. "I'm sorry." Iruka said it as he wrapped his arms around the copy-nin and hugged him close. Kakashi didn't pull away, and he didn't think he could have even if he'd wanted to.