Purple

“I reached the wrong end by the wrong means.”

Wrong, by Depeche Mode

In a subtle way, like a person doesn‘t realize they‘d been dozing off before their head hits a desk, Naruto noted that he didn’t remember it like a constant, flowing jet of memories. It didn’t start at the beginning, not at the middle, nor the end. It was like he wasn’t remembering it at all, only knowing it, acknowledging it like he would the nose set plainly on his face. Like the nightmares had been someone else’s, not his. Not like there had ever been a gap in his memory, but that it had never been there, the truth always sitting right in the center of his heart, of his brain. That’s he’d never forgotten. That he’d never misunderstood.

--

Out of all the houses he’d been expecting, this was not it. It wasn’t even a house at all; a penthouse suite, situated somewhere between the fourth and sixth stories of an eleven-story building, gleaming and new like a sore thumb in a metropolis of garbage and industrial wreck.

His messenger bag, khaki with frayed edges and broken buckles, was uncomfortable against his side. Sweat made his shirt glue itself to his skin like fly paper. His task set, his map in the form of a torn-out sheet of loose-leaf clenched in a fist with cracked knuckles, Naruto crossed the last street towards Sasuke’s complex.

“Take this straight to him, Naruto,” his guardian’s words continued to ring. “No side trips. No stops. Straight. To him.”

“I got it, I got it,” his own words echoed back, lacking just as much stability and sounding more like a recorded message on the answering machine. “No side trips.”

The street was deserted save for a large cat, slinking in-between the garbage cans. As Naruto grew closer, the creature darted out, into the light, and flew across the street from where Naruto had come from. The fluffed tail, tipped white, and black padded feet told Naruto that he’d been mistaken regarding the creature’s species. Wondering idly what a fox had been doing so far from its woods in the first place, Naruto waltzed up and through the swinging doors. The metal framework was stainless steel, very modern for a not-so-modern town.

But who would expect anything less of the great protégé Sasuke Uchiha?

The bastard’s homework was settled somewhere in his bag. The sixteen-year-old, after not missing a single minute of class over the entire year while Naruto himself missed a grand total of thirteen days, had been absent with no call nor notice for the past three days. He’d shown no signs of impending illness the last time Naruto had seen him, other than being quieter than usual. This threw Naruto for a complete loop; the guy couldn’t speak a word of English when he’d first enrolled in Clifford Private School, but once he‘d gotten the swing of it, he‘d headed straight to the section of the English language comprised of every insult known to the country‘s language. He could call Naruto more names than Naruto, who‘d spoken English since he was two, had ever heard of.

Sasuke had been a dark, brooding thing that shone so brightly you couldn’t help but notice him. His tongue was foreign and something new to hear, like the catchy new song played over and over on the radio until it lost all appeal. At least for Naruto it did. Then he‘d began to taunt the foreign tongue (he noticed a significant improvement after this). For others, it grew more sickeningly addictive every day, and it was so obvious the youth didn’t want the attention. But since when did things like that make a difference?

Middle school graduation was in two weeks, a small and uneventful ceremony made to please the parents rather than the students. A sense of accomplishment was more of a requirement, it seemed, than the basic four years of math and English. His guardian Iruka would, of course, be there. He was a teacher at the high school and seemed pleased (insultingly pleased) that Naruto had managed to claw his way out with a passing grade. Passing if you squinted.

That being said, while Naruto’s legs skimmed awkwardly along the floor from his position on the bottom rung of the ladder, Sasuke sat so high up he was in danger of his high horse throwing him off.

The guy was Asian, so that could have been key, but did he have to graduate at the top of the class? He didn’t speak a word of English when he’d first come, and honestly, Naruto wasn’t so sure that he knew how to now. The two were in completely opposite classes. Sasuke joined in with the honors and AP classes for calculus and Physics, while Naruto was stuck with career-prep in Algebra 1 and Language and Composition. But even when they strayed paths in public settings, the meetings were never all that pleasant. Sometimes Naruto felt that Sasuke waited until he was at the pinnacle of his emo-boy bad mood before hunting the blond down, just to make the encounters as explosive and violent as possible. Naruto couldn’t bring to memory one decent, calm conversation they’d shared in the presence of other students.

But, hey, who needed words for a reputation when you had fists?

There were some people Naruto couldn’t help but like. He was attracted to them, and they to he, and through mutual attraction could form some sort of bond, whether fickle or iron-clad. Then there were the people who put a sick feeling in his stomach when he heard their voice, made his fists clench whenever their eyes met.

Sasuke was both.

Naruto’s eyes tightened at the memory of their first head-on collision. It took a week before their heated glares cooled and staled, no longer enough to sedate that unquenchable thirst for contact. For the feel of hard bone against furled knuckles, to feel hot breath as they got into each others face. To have foreign blood splash against their skin and to taste their own in kind. It was a short skirmish, half a minute before hall aids tore them apart, an unrefined quarrel that was more tugging hair and going for weak spots. Their spot was obvious and no good. They learned. They learned to dodge like a bullet and strike like a falcon, and learned to make use of quite and desolate spots. The math and science hallway after third period every fourth day of their six-day rotation. The old auditorium that had had a ‘renovation’ sign on it for over a year. The tiny network of alleys that stripped the surrounding grounds like a cobweb.

Their fights continued, and the scale of bruises quickly began to tip in Sasuke’s favor, once the initial shyness of real damage dissolved. Naruto sometimes avoided the hot spots, if nothing but to calm Iruka’s worried face and his friends’ anxious stares whenever he showed up with a fresh patch of shiny red surrounding his eye or his cheek.

Sasuke knew. He must have. He wore a sneer whenever Naruto took a shortcut, although the blond remained positive that no one followed him. Sasuke never brought it up in words, but the condescending look in his eyes whenever he caught Naruto in the act spoke volumes. Somehow, he knew. The bastard just knew. This deadly game of cat and mouse lasted well into Winter.

Of course, Sasuke wasn’t the only one Naruto found himself in regular skirmishes with. The football jocks, the black kids with baggy clothes and bad music, the younger, scrawny kids who had more bark than bite but were so quick on their feet that keeping track of them was impossible, and holding onto them even harder. Plenty. Naruto supposed it was just something in his personality. Maybe he was labeled a poser for having a Japanese name with no heritage to back it up. Maybe it was his diminutive height that made him so easy to look down upon.

His sociology teacher had once told his class that for every person that liked you, there were at least two who did not. Naruto had yet to meet what was sure to be a huge flock of admirers, but looked forward to the day that he did.

But so far, he’d been stuck with the not-so-friendly crowd. Sometimes he wondered if even his ‘friends’ had strayed over to that side. But until then Naruto grinned and bore the title they’d given him with pride. ‘Monster’. It was fitting, in a way. Monsters were vastly misinterpreted creatures, and always smarter than those who had created them.

The doorman raised an eyebrow at him. Naruto flashed a nonplussed grin and pointedly shifted his shoulder strap so that his pack swung against his hip. “I’m here to give Sasuke Uchiha some homework. He up there?”

The doorman waited a ridiculous amount of time before sniffing in distain and muttering, in an altogether too-prim voice for such a small town, “The young sir lives on the fourth floor. The elevator is down the hallway past the lobby desk.”

Naruto waited, and under the expectant gaze, waited for further direction. Receiving nothing, he just nodded awkwardly and strode past him to the dim hallway by the dim desk.

“…Mr. Uchiha is still attending school?”

Naruto stopped in his tracks and whipped his head around. Sasuke not going to school? Of course. And president Bush had found a cure for breast cancer through personal experience.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t he?”

He was beginning to grow annoyed by being looked at as if he were a tiny fraction of his age. “Ask him yourself.”

“Fine!” Naruto snapped. He whirled around, determined not to stop even if spoken to. He was uninterrupted and made it to the elevator doors winded. And he couldn’t tell why.

The ride upwards was smooth, and Naruto leaned his head back against the wood paneling of the elevator wall, thinking the doorman’s words over. Sasuke had never mentioned any future extended absences from school, not had he shown any symptoms of a cold. Up until the last day Sasuke had been seen at school, a Friday, the foreign student had been colder than usual, slipping back into his native tongue, taking longer to realize that until Naruto had to hit him over the head and order him to speak in words that he could understand. But Sasuke was like that, Naruto knew. Like a teenage girl, Sasuke fell into week-long spells of bitchiness and sullenness. Naruto didn’t mind. It was just another reason to use fists instead of words to knock him out of it. That Friday, however, was different. On that day, Naruto had avoided him like he would the black plague.

Ding

Naruto shook his head, his thoughts flying to the back of his head, and he stepped out of the elevator. Sasuke lived in apartment 409. The first eight were grouped like small complexes to one side of the vast building, 409 and 410 being the master suites, and the latter under construction. Ten rooms to a floor, all lain out in a similar fashion. All costing more than ten combined years of Iruka’s pay, no doubt. It was sickening, the amount of money people spent on just an apartment. He knocked on the first one and waited.

And waited.

He waited ten seconds, blinked, furrowed his brows, and knocked again.

Still no answer.

After the fifth set of knocks, by which time it had become more of a hammering, Naruto was considering just leaving the work by the door. The courage he’d tried to talk himself into this morning was waning fast in face of the door to Sasuke’s apartment. Naruto didn’t know to deal with it without ignoring it, and this was a far cry from the word ‘ignore’. ‘Confrontation’ seemed better suited.

There’s nothing to be afraid of, Naruto told himself. It’s fine. He’s fine. You’re fine. He probably had a fever then, he was delirious. Forget about it. He probably has.

Naruto sighed, weighing his misery as only a fourteen-year-old could, licking his dry lips. For a moment, he could taste the smoke again. And before he knew it, the blond was twisting the unlocked doorknob and letting himself into the suite.

--

Naruto hadn’t caused much of a disturbance besides that first tumultuous day when he and Sasuke made enough of a ruckus to alert the residents on every floor of their dorm building. On that day, the rooms had been full of people who had their eyes and ears doing a constant three-sixty, taking in everything, every odd detail, every bit of sordid gossip, everything and anything that would make this foreign place a home. But after several months, people stopped caring as much. Young adults played their music loudly and no one minded much. Students thundered down the halls and they stopped getting shouted at. Instead of every noise sticking to their minds like flypaper, it went in one ear and out the other.

Naruto was fortunate in this way. It felt good to scream, to let the pain roaring in his throat combat the life-shattering guilt budding up and boiling over, threatening to kill his insides. The guilt that made him question everything he knew, everything he thought he knew, everything he’d built himself up to be, everything he wanted to be. Everything, gone, and he felt completely justified at screaming as if he were falling off the face of the Earth. Because, in a way, that’s exactly what he was doing. Falling without ever having the chance to climb back up again.

The door slammed open.

Of course, there was an exception to every rule. The one person who wouldn’t just ignore something. And he stood in the threshold, stepping in and panting, letting the door fall shut behind him.

Sasuke.

Oh God.

What have I done?

“What’s wrong?” Now that he saw that Naruto was in my physical harm, Sasuke seemed reluctant to enter any farther into the room. “I heard screaming.”

Actually, you heard part of me shrivel up and die. Actually, you heard the biggest invitation for an “I told you so” in the world. “S-sorry,” was all Naruto could utter. “It’s nothing.”

Sasuke’s right eyebrow cocked itself higher than the other. “You were screaming over nothing?”

“Erm…” It wasn’t quite the articulate response he’d been hoping for, but Naruto couldn’t think of nothing in the English language that would sit this particular conversation. He wished he didn’t need words. That Sasuke could reach in through his head and grab the answer, all so Naruto wouldn’t have to sat it aloud.

Sasuke stood there, waiting. When Naruto failed to supply him with an answer, he sighed. “Whatever,” Sasuke muttered, turning around and reaching for the door. “I’ll let you get back to your fit, then. Try not to disturb our neighbors.”

“Where did you go that night?”

Sasuke blinked, confused. “Excuse me?” He had one hand on the door knob now, and it was lingering, as if half-tempted to yank the door open and dart away right this instant.

Naruto bit his lip. He couldn’t tell which emotion was going to win the war that was currently splitting his head in two; pride or guilt. Pride would make him keep up the façade of the victim trapped in his rapist’s room. Guilt made him want to confess everything, to apologize over and over until his voice cracked and his mouth ran dry. He was treading slowly, unsure of how either he or Sasuke would react.

“The last night we saw each other,” Naruto mumbled in a rush under hiss breath.

Sasuke’s eyebrows furrowed and he frowned. “I can’t hear a word that you’re saying.”

As tempting as it was to just say “Never mind” and live life like this conversation had never happened, Naruto knew himself well enough to know he’d never be able to sleep at night knowing he’d given up. Guilt would drive him to misery faster than Sasuke would walk out that door.

So he repeated himself, slowly, clearly. “Where did you go the last night we saw each other?” he asked. “Back in middle school. I--” He was biting the bullet, he knew. This was dangerous, After this, he’d never be able to return to the safe cloud of ignorance he’d been floating on for so many years. Sasuke wouldn’t ever let it go, and to be fair, Naruto couldn’t blame him. “I woke up and you weren’t there…”

Sasuke’s hand slid from the door, and he didn’t hesitate to abandon his station by the threshold to cross the room. He ended at the foot of Naruto’s bed, eyeing him incredulously, almost angrily. “Why would you believe anything I say?”

I’m sorry.

Naruto shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “It’s just a question, bastard,” he said, displeased to note how his voice quaked. Surely, Sasuke would notice. Surely, he wouldn’t make Naruto say it. He’d know and let it go. He wouldn’t tear Naruto apart any worse than the blond was already doing to himself. “You don’t have to answer.”

Again, Sasuke didn’t hesitate. As soon as the last word had left Naruto’s mouth, Sasuke had put a knee on the bed and hoisted himself up. On his knees he shuffled closer, looming a foot over Naruto’s hunched figure. They were inches from touching. Naruto eyed him warily, frightened of what he’d say, frightened of what he’d do, and most of all, scared witless of how he himself would react.

“Are you scared of me?” Sasuke asked. The way his eyes were alight with energy, with shock, with confusion, completely bellied the calmness in his voice. It seemed that Sasuke was a good actor.

“Would you believe me if I said ‘no’?” Naruto countered with a question of his own. He studied Sasuke’s face carefully, looking for hints as to the true dominant emotion running through the older man at the moment.

Sasuke seemed to consider it for a moment before saying, “Yes, I would believe you.” Naruto was surprised at the answer, and even more surprised when Sasuke leaned forward on his hands, crawling across Naruto’s legs to reach the other side of him, There, he sat cross-legged against the wall, mimicking Naruto’s position. “I’ll answer your question,” Sasuke said once he settled, “If you answer one of mine.”

Naruto debated it with himself for a moment. Sasuke looked ready to simply shrug it off if Naruto said ‘no’. The blond was seriously beginning to doubt that Sasuke’s calm face was really a mask. “All right,” he sighed, dreading the question.

Sasuke nodded once, lightly, as if he’d made a deal he’d correctly predicted the outcome of. “That night, after you fell asleep,” Sasuke said, “I went out to the drug store.” Naruto blinked, surprised at such a simple answer. He was expecting something far more complicated. But Sasuke went on, “It was late at night, and there weren’t any convenience stores open 24/7 in my neighborhood. I took the subway up to near our school to the CVS. You were sleeping so deeply when I left, I figured you’d still be asleep by the time I got back. But when I returned…”

Sasuke trailed off, and Naruto asked, “What did you need at the drug store?”

At that, Sasuke turned away. Is he embarrassed? “I didn’t have any Tylenol or Advil in the house,” Sasuke explained in a low voice. “I thought you might want some asprin for… the pain.” Sasuke shrugged.

Naruto now wished that he hadn’t asked. He hadn’t been aware of it, but he’d been holding onto one last grudge to keep himself from feeling completely at fault. Sasuke had left him without a word, without a note, without a word of good-bye. Now even that was gone. He went out in the dead of night to buy me some pain medications. Fuck.

“When I saw that you had gone without so much as a note, I figured you were angry with me, and didn’t want to see me.” Even Sasuke couldn’t hide the pain in his voice. “And I was right.”

Naruto didn’t know what to say, again. Lost in sorting his thoughts, he’d completely forgotten his promise to answer one of Sasuke’s questions.

Until he asked, “How is it that you got those scars?”

--

There was no evidence to the contrary, but Naruto had a feeling that not a drop of paint had adorned the walls since Sasuke had moved in. They were that same conformist white, a blank slate in which families could paint as they pleased. But these walls were still white. The floor was covered in lack-luster blue carpeting, cheap and also meant to be replaced. There were no photo frames on the walls. No TV in the living room, or what Naruto assumed to be the living room. There was a computer in the corner on a plain oak desk, but it was shut off. A two-seater sofa with an empty coffee table.

And, most importantly, only one pair of shoes by the door.

After sliding his own off and putting them next to the black loafers, Naruto slowly wondered through, looking around himself as he did. There was a short hallway. All three doors were shut. There was another spouting off to the side of the living room, also closed. Another door by the dining room where there sat a polished wooden table with only one chair, and no placemats. A large kitchen with many cabinets Naruto suspected were empty, an industrial-sized fridge, a dishwasher, lower cabinets, a toaster and microwave that looked like they’d come straight from the box mere seconds ago, and a booth with two built-in swivel chairs. One chair empty, the other full of sleeping boy with a collapsed head on the black marble surface.

Sasuke’s face was turned away from him, but from the soft and steady rise and fall of his shoulders, Naruto could tell he was asleep. His normally orderly spikes (Naruto suspected copious amounts of hair gel to be at fault) were jumbled with bedhead. The black wife beater was a stark contrast to the usual immaculate white uniform shirt Naruto had always seen him in. He wore loose-fitting corduroy shorts and his feet were bare, curled where the toes met the floor.

Naruto had never noticed just how thin the guy was until now. They were at the age where they’d either started along with growth spurts or had to wait a year. Sasuke belonged to the former category, Naruto the latter. The raven-haired teenager was a good six inches taller than the blond, a definite advantage when it came to fighting. Naruto had never seen Sasuke eat anything from the school’s cafeteria. Instead, he brought a black box with him that held sections of foreign-looking food, most of it containing dull-looking white rice. Naruto was shocked that someone who downed so many carbs on a daily basis could stay as thin as a rail.

Sasuke’s arms were like wire, taught with thin muscle and not much else. His shirt folded into a concave stomach, and his knees were bony knobs, thin calves stretching too far to meet smallish feet. His skin looked too tight, too thin, to contain what it did. Naruto moved around to bend over the counter and peer at his closed eyelids, under which hung heavy purple pillows. Even his face, under such natural sunlight filtering in through the kitchen window, looked sunken, like a skull.

Whilst on the roof they frequented during lunch breaks, they’d sat with their still-growing legs dangling over the edge, chugging cans of soda, kicking shins, making a few near-death pushes that involved one shifting too close to the seeming limitless amount of empty space beneath their feet. They did all this underneath the heavy light filtering through the atmosphere, the sun’s fingertips stroking through their hair and pressing gently on their clothes. In such brightness, Sasuke’s hair had always seemed a deep, dark blue as opposed to the black Naruto knew it was. Every now and then, a pale hand would flick up to brush through his bangs, stroking it back against his scalp, creating a wave of texture like an ocean wave. Every time Sasuke had done that, Naruto’s fingers twitched at his side, and he had to clench them into tight fists to limit the movement.

And now, with no reason to stop him, Naruto’s hand, unbidden, reached out to give it a feather-soft stroke from part to the nape of his neck, and his fingers recoiled as if snapped at by a viper.

It was so damn soft. It felt like the down of a feather. Feather light to the touch, silky and smooth even in its knotted state. Naruto couldn’t resist the temptation to touch it again, this time with a little more pressure. It was like dry water, the strands stroking the rough pads of his fingertips as if they had a mind of their own.

Again and again, from bangs to nape, parting easily and making a fork of hair that smoothed straight down, except for the stubborn tufts that refused to stay down at the back. Mesmerizing. It was mesmerizing. And in the sun, it seemed to have an almost blue hue to it. Hypnotized by the texture and the quiet, Naruto allowed his hip to settle against the counter as he continued to pet the boy he’d traded more fists and half-translated conversations with than any orderly human contact.

It was mere curiosity. Making those waves in his hair of his own accord. To control the way the colors shifted, from black to a dark, bluish hue, so deep and so different it was almost purple.

But it was something else, too. Something more than control. Like his soft touches connected them in a way that lunch breaks on a school roof could not. If Sasuke did it, and Naruto could do it, it was a deeper connection, he rationalized. Naruto continued to stroke back his hair, feeling like he was in a different person’s skin. Sasuke’s skin. The fear of touch he’d been harboring since the Friday before was drifting back to the unreachable recesses of his mind, where they wouldn’t ruin this movement. Where it wouldn’t ruin them.

And then a cold hand reached out and snatched his wrist, leaving his digits sunken into disheveled hair. Blank black eyes glared up at him for a moment, the smooth obsidian bright with the unbridled curiosity Naruto should have known would be there.

The grip on his wrist tightened momentarily before lapsing to a gentle hold, allowing the blond to escape with his hand still attached. Sasuke Uchiha regarded him warily before speaking.

“What are you here?”

A perfectly acceptable question, Naruto thought. One deserving of an equally sensible answer. But Naruto was afraid that Sasuke wasn’t just requiring about his sudden presence in the room.

He felt suddenly claustrophobic. The rhythmic motions of his hand stroking Sasuke’s hair had diminished his equal fear, but now it was coming back full-force, this time paired with an extreme sense of awkwardness.

“Naruto?”

Naruto always found it odd how Sasuke pronounced his name. He figured it was a Japanese thing, to have difficulties pronouncing the ‘r’ sound. It made his lips twitch slightly at the sound. He’d spent many a afternoon trying to coach the transfer student proper speech, as well as teaching him a few choice words.

“Naruto,” growled a husky voice, darker than what he was used to, and the guttural tone of it sent shivers racing up his spine, alarm bills shrieking in his ears. Naruto shook his head, blinked, and saw the Sasuke of the present staring curiously at him.

I’m imagining (remember) things. Get a grip, idiot.

“Naruto.”

Naruto belatedly shrugged, and slid his bag from his shoulder to lay it on the counter. “I brought you your homework,” he said, sliding the flap of his bag off to shuffle through the bags contents.

“You didn’t knock.”

“I did. You were too passed out to notice.”

Naruto’s gaze darted up and met Sasuke’s dark one. His narrow eyes had thinned even further, and he was opening his mouth, probably to inquire about Naruto’s temporary lapse of sanity, but the blond beat him to the punch.

“What’s with the absences, anyway?” he asked, yanking his eyes away from Sasuke’s to return his attention to finding the homework and, therefore, to getting the Hell out of here. He could deal with this later. In a school setting, preferably, with more eyes and more ears to keep a dangerous conversation in check.

“Been busy,” Sasuke replied. “Drink?”

“Huh? Dlin--oh, drink?”

“Isn’t that what I asked?”

Naruto snorted and, not for the first time, said “Your accent sucks.”

Smirking quietly, Sasuke merely replied, “So you say. You get used to it.”

Frowning, Naruto shrugged, not knowing what to make of that. Did he mean anyone could live with it, or was it just Naruto? Then Sasuke tossed him a orange can, and catching it, the blonde noticed it was a Fanta. “You like orange soda?”

Sasuke grunted, and the blond wondered if even understood what he said. Unless the Japanese teen was paying a decent amount of attention, he had difficulty deciphering what it was that Naruto was saying. At the moment, he still looked half-asleep. Naruto popped the metal tab and took a deep swig, clearing out the fuzziness in his head a little. He hadn’t felt it when he came in, but now that Sasuke was awake and moving, making scuffing sounds as his feet slid over the floor, his breath soft-sounding, Naruto not only felt like a trespasser in the home, but in his own skin as well.

Sasuke fished himself out a bottle of water, and Naruto caught a glimpse of the fridge’s contents before the door could swing shut. There was a half-finished gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, a mesh bag full of tomatoes, and a handful of other things Naruto could have counted on one hand. It was so bare--too bare, from what he’d seen of other’s fridges.

Squishing down the niggling thought in the back of his head that his refrigerator looked very much the same, Naruto refocused on his bag. He set the can of soda on the counter, and located a slightly bent manila envelope. He pulled it out slowly, and then tossed it on the counter.

“There,” Naruto said. “Your homework.”

“Hn.” Sasuke took his time twisting off the cap of his water bottle, taking a heavy gulp and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before saying, “Homework, eh?”

“Yeah. There it is.” Naruto picked up his abandoned can and tilted it back, gulping it as fast as he could, feigning extreme thirst. In reality, his stomach was twisting itself in knots, and the icy beverage was making it ache even worse. But he had to get out of here. He’d thank Sasuke for the soda, and leave the imminent fight for later, for when he could better handle it.

Sasuke frowned and made no move to pick the folder up. “Why?”

Naruto finished his drink and swallowed painfully. “That’s what they do here in America,” he replied, already closing his bag. “Miss a few days and you’re hunted down like a dog.” He lifted the shoulder strap, and let his hand hover awkwardly for a moment. “Thanks for th--” But he stopped talking when Sasuke scowled, dark and angry eyes boring holes into Naruto’s shoes. He was muttering something in Japanese, and despite hearing the gibberish nearly every day for the better part of the school year, Naruto still couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

“What?” the blond asked, brows furrowing.

Sasuke’s eyes snapped up, like he’d completely forgotten he was there. “I speak,” Sasuke muttered, “my guardian hasn’t called school yet.”

Naruto’s curiosity got the better of him. Instead of saying a dismissive “Oh, right” like he should have, he asked, “What, can he get you out of your homework?”

Sasuke shook his head, sighing, but not letting their eyes to break contact again. He seemed to mull over his words for a long while before saying, “I am not return to school.”

“What? Christ, how sick are y--”

“Not sick,” Sasuke said quickly. ”I… moving.”

“Moving,” Naruto repeated, tasting the word on his tongue and quickly deciding it didn’t really fit. “What do you mean by ‘moving’?”

Sasuke scowled, like he was scolding Naruto for his incompetence. His eyes, however, remained guarded. “My guardian received new job. We move closer to it.”

“Move… where? Up state?”

“California.”

Naruto didn’t bother to repeat that word. He knew exactly how wrong it would be without allowing it to taint his mouse. His articulate response was, “And what the fuck is in--there?”

“His job,” Sasuke repeated, giving Naruto a look that clearly displayed his lack of respect for Naruto’s intellect.

“And what is his ‘job’?” For reasons he couldn’t understand, Naruto was beginning to panic. When Sasuke said ‘moving’, he hadn’t felt much of anything, although that might have been a symptom of the shock that would soon make his throat feel like a steel-boned fist had it clutched tight. ‘California’ made his stomach fall right to the floor of the alien apartment.

“I don’t know,” Sasuke said dismissively, waving his hand. “He do something.”

It felt too cliché, too girly, to ask “When were you planning on telling me?” but Naruto desperately wanted to know. This didn’t seem like a plan someone thought up overnight. His guardian couldn’t be that spontaneous.

Even though Naruto didn’t say it, Sasuke seemed to feel the need to supply Naruto with an answer.

“It was not much planned,” Sasuke said. Naruto couldn’t tell if it was just him, but his accent seemed thicker in his haste to get the right words out. “My guardian very like that. All the time. He didn’t--didn’t--” His eyes narrowed like they always did when he failed to come up with an appropriate word. “Opinion me,” was what he came up with, and although the words made no logical sense, Naruto understood. “He decide.”

When were you going to tell me?

Were you ever going to bother?

Naruto, for the life of him, couldn’t figure out why it had him so upset. Oddly enough, he wasn’t really thinking about his foreign friend at the moment. He wasn’t even thinking about last Friday, like his thoughts had been leading him to do lately. He was thinking of his classmates, and the last conversation he’d had with any of them. Any of them but Sasuke. He couldn’t think of a single one. The weight suddenly disappeared from his stomach; he felt like he had no stomach at all. His eyes were burning, and he didn’t know why, only that the roof was large and empty with two people, but with only one it would be--

“Are you crying?” a confused voice asked. Naruto’s thought process stuttered to a halt, and he knew that he had to leave.

“Thanks for the soda. There’s your homework. I’ll see you--” No I won’t. “Bye.” Short, simple, and quick as a bullet. He barely even felt it as every organ in his body died simultaneously and damnit it all, I don’t know why.

Naruto didn’t know that he’d already turned until he felt Sasuke’s hand, larger than his own, gripping his elbow tightly, pulling it back towards him.

“Hey, man, ever hear of personal space?” Naruto tried to push as much juvenile rudeness into his voice as possible, but it didn’t seem to faze Sasuke at all. In fact, it had the complete opposite of the desired result. Instead of freeing Naruto, he used his free hand to grasp the folder of papers and send them flying across the room, the papers flying and fluttering like the amputated wings of birds.

“Hey!” was Naruto‘s knee-jerk reaction, and a moment later had shoved Sasuke back a foot with his forearm, his arm falling free from Sasuke‘s tight grip. This was it. This was the perfect solution, the perfect excuse not to talk. For even though Sasuke could barely speak in proper English, he, Naruto, was far worse off when it came to a battle of words. His fists clenched before he struck one arm, pointing to hid fallen shoulder bag. “Go and get those.”

Sasuke just stared at him, unfazed by the push or the order. “No. I don’t need those papers.”

“I don‘t give a shit about what you need,” Naruto snarled. “I brought them all the way here so your lazy ass didn‘t have to go and get them from school. You could at least look at them.”

“No,” Sasuke repeated. “I not return to school. I don’t need the homework.”

Naruto worried the inside of his cheek with his canines for a short moment, and then he huffed, shoving his fists into his pockets. As suddenly as it had come, the fight had gone out of him, and all he wanted was to leave.

Who’s the last person I’ve talked to besides him?

Let Sasuke go. Let him leave, to a completely different time zone, at that. Let him go.

Let him go?

Naruto was fine before him. He’d be fine after him. Like a storm, Sasuke had come without any introduction, any warning, and he’d leave just as fast with only a field of wreckage and carnage as proof of his existence.

Let him go?

“Whatever,” Naruto muttered. He kept his voice low, afraid that it would crack. “Do whatever the fuck you want. I’m out.”

Naruto once again attempted to move past the older Asian teen. He shied away from Sasuke, trying to keep a distance between them. It didn’t make a difference. This time, however, instead of holding onto his arm, Sasuke snaked an arm across Naruto’s abdomen--I feel his fingers, should you be able to feel that through two shirts--and encircled his waist. Naruto jerked his body backwards and ended up pressing himself into the divider that separated the kitchen from the rest of the house.

“Stop touching me!” Naruto snapped. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Sasuke eyes narrowed. Unperturbed, or a very good actor, he stepped closer. Naruto didn’t try to avoid him this time. He was too scared to see if Sasuke would chase him, and the implications that would be behind it. “What yours?”

“You’re my problem,” Naruto deadpanned. “Move.”

“No. I upset you.”

“You didn’t. I don’t get upset.”

When Sasuke rose an eyebrow, Naruto amended, “Not over you.” He straightened himself up. Sasuke and he were less than a foot apart, and the shorter the distance became, the miniscule shifts Sasuke made by shuffling his weight from foot to foot, shortening the distance even further in a subtle manner, the harder and faster Naruto’s heart beat in his chest. “Can I go now?”

“No.” Sasuke took a step closer, and Naruto’s head cracked against the wall as he jolted backwards, flattening himself and wishing the barrier to swallow him whole. He recognized this position. The cool plaster felt, for a moment, like the thin, freezing metal of a locker door. The stagnant air smelled like body odor and chlorine. In both situations, they were alone. Just as they were now. Just like they were then. Sasuke’s arm propped itself he wall by Naruto’s head, and he could smell the older boy’s breath.

Like smoke.

“Does it matter for you?” Sasuke hissed. “That I’m gone tomorrow?”

Naruto didn’t even hesitate in saying, “Good riddance,” because, really, what else could he say? ‘Yes’? ‘No’? The first would be unbelievable. The second would sound a lie.

Sasuke stared at him with the first dumb expression ever to be witnessed on his noble face. Then it slid to disapproval, with a small trace of disappointment. Then understanding, and finally, the smug look that Naruto knew so well slid right back over his face like the pointer of a compass to North. It was a surprise to him that he’d very nearly missed this. He hadn’t seen it, not really, for days.

And then, to Naruto‘s surprise, Sasuke began to laugh. It wasn’t a happy sound, nor was it a full-blown laugh. It was a self-depreciating laugher that made Naruto feel like scum for having caused that sound.

Make it stop.

The laughter grew louder, more hysteric, and Naruto recalled the laughter of villains in all the movies he loved to watch. It sounded like Sasuke was slowly building up to that, and as much as he’d love to have reason to hate Sasuke, as much as he’d love to label him the Joker to his Batman, hearing that Sasuke reached, even for a moment, the pinnacle of dark insanity was too much to bear.

His hand had clenched into a fist before he couldn’t even register what it was he was dong. By the time he realized what he was about to do, his fist had already snapped into Sasuke’s cheek.

Sasuke stumbled back several steps, and Naruto was pleased to see that he’d stop laughing. His head was bent, as he wiped the back of his hand against his lip, and then pulled it away to inspect the smear as if he’d never seen blood before. Blatant shock was mirrored in every one of his actions, and yet when he looked up, his gaze was settled and calm as he said, “You hit me.”

“You deserved it. Don’t laugh at me, retard. People are gonna think you’re a psycho… “

“Hn,” he mutter blankly. “Is that what you think me for? That I‘m insanity?”

The automatic ‘yes’ caught in his throat as, upon closer inspection, Naruto noticed something slightly off in Sasuke’s expression. Despite the slightly hysteric look that remained in his black eyes, Naruto couldn’t bring himself to insult him. He was sure he didn’t look too put together himself. Everyone cracked. Unfortunately, Sasuke was choosing now to do so.

Sasuke spit a glob of blood at the ground by Naruto’s feet, and the sympathetic path his mind had begun to consider crippled beneath his feet. He couldn’t tell how he felt, only that he didn’t like it.

“I was going to tell you.”

Slightly shaken from the abrupt change in subject, Naruto asked, “Tell me what?”

Sasuke shook his head slightly, muttering something in rapid Japanese under his breath. Before Naruto could ask him to translate, Sasuke plowed on, “That I’m leaving. I was to tell you.”

“Well, you’re telling me now,” Naruto muttered. He was slowly inching himself away from the divider. When Sasuke had stumbled back, he’d ended up near the opposite wall, giving Naruto a bit more room to maneuver.

Sasuke was losing his understanding look and raised a curious eyebrow, frowning slightly now in confusion. He didn’t understand, but to be fair, neither did Naruto.

Clearing his throat, the blond forced out, “I don‘t really care… that you‘re leaving.”

“You‘re lying,” Sasuke hissed, although a trace of doubt laced his words like arsenic.

“No, I‘m not,” Naruto cut in. “I have no reason to. All we do at school is beat the shit out of each other and talk about how much we hated everyone else. Why would I waste time missing you?” Naruto knew how he’d feel if these kinds of things were said to him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care very much at this point. He wanted to leave before he did more damage that would prevent him from forgetting. Prevent him from leaving. “I have other friends, you know.” Even though he didn’t. “If you don’t have anything else retarded to say, I’m leaving.” He took a deliberate step forward, but paused in the action of taking a second.

Anger.

Fuck, he’d never seen anyone look so angry before.

Sasuke hissed something in Japanese through gritted teeth, and it reminded Naruto strongly of a cobra’s hiss he’d heard before while watching Animal Planet. Then the snake had struck the guy who’d been dangling him from his arm with bared fangs. And as entertaining as it was then, that certainly did not apply now. His feet spread apart slightly, ready for a fight if need be, Naruto asked, “What did you think I was here for, huh?” As soon as the words left Naruto’s lips, the snake struck, and a memory arose in his mind and sunk in like a quick and fatal poison, his heart contracting in pain and surprise.

“Hey, you don’t have gym this period.” Naruto slid his shirt up and over his head before throwing it messily into a pile in his locker. “What’s up? Someone bothering you again?”

Sasuke’s hand gripped his forearm just as he was about to shed his gym shorts. “Naruto?”

“What?”

“I--”

“Are you trying for funny?” Sasuke was growling. “You think I‘m not serious?”

“Well, you’re obviously not laughing,” Naruto breathed.

“I--”

Shut up, go away, get back and let me breathe--

“What? What’s wrong?” He was getting slightly concerned now. Sasuke still hadn’t let go of his arm, and that made him nervous too. “Sasuke?”

Sasuke’s head had been hanging low, but now it snapped up. Assertiveness and stubbornness made his eyes burn in his pale face. Naruto took a step back. He felt the cold locker come in contact with his bare skin.

“W-what are you doing?”

“What is it that you want, Sasuke?” Naruto was afraid and very certain of what it was Sasuke wanted. He was most adverse to giving it to him.

“Don’t go,” Sasuke said, his voice turning it into more of a command than a plea. “Don’t leave.”

There was a long, quiet silence in which neither of them spoke. Sasuke was breathing slightly heavily as if he’d run a few rounds around the apartment, and Naruto could hardly breath at all. What was it Sasuke expected from him now? What was it that he wanted, exactly?

And more importantly, what did he, Naruto, want?

Naruto didn‘t know what Sasuke said next. It was a lowly-spoken hiss of Japanese, a short sentence the blond didn’t have the time to pick apart, couldn’t guess its contents from his rival’s face, before it attacked again.

When Naruto went into a home other than his own, the first thing that struck him was the smell. It was the smell of that person, only many times more potent, and surrounding him in a thick current. That particular, distinctive scent of all those people combined with all of their possessions, their plants, their animals, the laundry detergent they used, the food they cooked, bundled into one that he’d get used after half an hour. But he couldn’t smell his own home, smell his own scent, or taste his own taste. It was as part of him as his own flesh and bone.

Was this what people tasted like? Did all saliva taste the same? Because Naruto would swear on every grave of every person he’d lived long enough to watch die, on every grave he’d ever have to visit, that he would never in his life get used to that taste, that smell of the other‘s boys skin that was abruptly shoved under his nose.

Kissing Sasuke was like swallowing ash.

But it would have been a lie to call it a kiss. It was a pair of cool, chapped lips scraping clumsily along his, sharp canines biting in every now and then. It was a thin, slippery tongue slithering into his mouth and thrusting past his teeth, roaming where it pleased. It was a large hand pinching at the junctures of his jaw with bruising force. It was the blond crying out from the ascending pain of it, and alarm as his mouth was pried and kept open by greedy fingers. It was his fist that had escaped Sasuke’s other hand that beat against the boy’s chest, and when the taller boy pressed closer, it was Naruto pulling at his hair. It was Sasuke hissing in pain before pulling back, releasing Naruto’s jaw before capturing the other hand that was still buried in hair the blond had once marveled as so soft. It was large hands snaking around his wrists before the other pinched his jaw and continued his not-a-kiss. It was Sasuke with an air of trying to do something he’d seen so often, but couldn’t quite pull off, so he tried harder.

The taste was heavy and disturbing. It wasn’t unpleasant, but reminiscent of what Naruto imagined he’d taste if he licked under the grate of a fireplace, or the cinders left from collapsed coals. The pleasant, woodsy smell they gave off. He tasted like that.

Naruto never wanted to see another fire in his life.

The way his head was forced back made it hard to breathe, and his face went lax as his mind swayed to and fro, not processing the present, still stuck in the not-too-distant past when they were glaring, but had a reasonable distance between the two. His mind was stuck at a bump, the present waving itself tantalizingly over his conscious.

Sasuke slipped his tongue back into his own mouth, kissed Naruto’s lower lip, then the top, and drew back. A faint gleam of fear entered his eyes as he gazed into Naruto’s, awaiting a reaction. And a reaction he got.

Whenever they fought, Naruto liked to think he always gave it his all. He hit as hard as he could, he ducked and quickly as was possible. But even he surprised himself by the stinging ache in his knuckles when he punched Sasuke, signaling that he may have hit hard enough to dislocate his jaw.

Sasuke stumbled back, hands already coming up to cradle his face. His eyes were squinted shut so that Naruto could not see what emotion was there in them. The blond stood panting, using the lockers behind him to support his weight. His legs were shaking horrible, and he didn’t trust them to hold him up.

“What… what…” Naruto’s mouth felt swollen, and his voice sounded even more garbled than Sasuke’s when he was trying to learn a new pronunciation. “You fucking… you…”

Don’t

“--You fucking freak.”

Don’t

Sasuke’s eyes finally opened and Naruto had to focus on his forehead. The betrayal, the total shock, was too much to take in. Naruto felt like screaming, like crying, like finding the nearest sharp object to kill either Sasuke or himself or both. He wished he’d skipped gym today. Skipped school. He wanted to go on the roof and eat lunch with his only friend. Without even thinking about it, Naruto knew that wouldn’t ever be possible. Not ever again. And for that, he was angry.

“Stay away from me,” he said, even though Sasuke hadn’t moved or even made to speak. Naruto didn’t want him to, either. Don’t ruin this, don’t ruin this, too, let me be pissed, let me be furious, you’ve taken away one of the few good things in my life how could you, you selfish bastard, it was one thing, one small thing, you took it away, you fucking monster.

Naruto stumbled away to the side. Sasuke’s eyes didn’t even follow him, fixed upon the spot where Naruto had been trapped against the locker. The blond realized then that Sasuke hadn’t been looking at him at all. He was lost, devastated, just like Naruto. And it was his fault. allhisfault

Naruto turned. He wouldn’t see Sasuke again for days after that. He ran.

When Sasuke stepped closer, Naruto thought he’d come all the way. He thought that he’d trap him, again, and kiss him, again, and Naruto would finally lose his mind. Should he be so afraid of a kiss? Logic told him to be disgusted, that the act should have his stomach heaving. His stomach was in turmoil, but in a different way. It was like it had been filled with helium and his whole body was alive, alert, ready to jump out of his skin.

“…do you want to?” Sasuke murmured. “To leave? Truly?”

Naruto couldn’t think of a reply. All he knew was that Sasuke was seconds away form backing down, and that he should say ‘yes’. Yes he wanted to leave. Yes he wanted to go back to his normal life, find a normal girl later in his teens, hang out with normal feelings. Be comfortable.

Naruto’s own standard of logic was screaming that he’d never, ever been normal. Not once in his life, not for a single moment. He’d never had a sleepover, or been invited one. He never had a birthday party thrown for him. He didn’t have a mom or a dad, a brother or sister, or any known living blood relative. He’d always been alone, and it made him an outsider. His whole life had been built around trying to reject that.

Yet here Sasuke stood, just as abnormal, if not more so, than Naruto. No family, in a completely foreign country, only a loose handle on the native language, no friends, no one to really talk to except for Naruto. Kissing a boy, a boy, when he could easily find a girl. And after he kissed that boy, he tried to keep the same boy from leaving his apartment, bearing everything of himself to him, begging him not to leave even when it was so very obvious he could do a million times better.

In reality, Sasuke was an even bigger idiot than Naruto. But he was a brave idiot. Naruto was just a coward. He was trying so hard to be normal and--

“I can’t wait,” Sasuke was saying, and Naruto’s attention was recaptured immediately. “either you want me as I you or---leave.”

Still, Naruto couldn’t say anything. He usually never had a problem running his mouth, so of course, at the most critical moment, he lost his voice.

Sasuke studied Naruto’s face impassively for a long, drawn-out minute. And then…

“Fine.”

As Sasuke brushed past him, a distant memory licked the edges of Naruto’s mind. He was aware of what an idiot he was, and the knowledge gave him confidence. Because for every stupid thing he did, there was usually something smart that came out of it. Touching a flame taught him it was hot, and to not do it again. Telling Iruka he got into another fight caused his guardian to worry, so he learned to hide it better. And fighting with Sasuke led to Naruto garnering the first real friendship of his life. Finally, he was accepted, acknowledged. And now that person, one of the precious few important people in his life, was walking away because of something stupid that Naruto had done. Something Naruto had stupidly denied him.

And he would do anything to keep it from leaving him. Because last Friday had changed everything. Because now Naruto had to risk part of himself to keep hold of something sacred, just had Sasuke had done.

He tastes like smoke.

Sasuke fit. He was the other fucked up half to Naruto’s completely disgraceful life. Two damaged pieces hardly fit together in sync, but it kept them from holding onto something pure and living with the fear of damaging it.

Like holding a fire on the tip of my tongue.

Sasuke just fit.

Naruto felt, therefore, completely free of guilt, of blame, when he walked up to the door, yanked the door from Sasuke’s grip that the taller boy had pulled open, and let it slam back into the doorframe.

But he knew he had to be held responsible when his hand fisted the collar of Sasuke’s shirt and pulled. His lips slammed painfully into the edge of Sasuke’s prominent cheekbone and he winced. He clamped his eyes shut tightly, followed the contours of his face, waited until he felt warm, damp breath against his mouth, and kissed him.

Yes. He had to be held accountable for that.

--

Naruto noticed that Sasuke wasn’t even bothering to act under the pretense that he himself carved those into his cheeks, and a million new thoughts popped into his already crowded mind. Was he that easy to read? Was his guilt so apparent that Sasuke already knew of Naruto’s sudden revelation?

There’s no way to get out of this.

Just do it. Do it fast, quick. Fuck.

“Do you remember those guys in school, the ones who were too old to be in our grade? Older than even you?” When Sasuke frowned, Naruto elaborated, “The big black guy, the leader, the one with scars over his neck?” Sasuke nodded now. “They were hanging around your apartment building that night. I ran into them on my way home.”

Sasuke’s eyes narrowed. “And they did that to you?”

“They’re dicks,” Naruto supplied. “You can’t tell me that you’re surprised--”

“I’m not surprised that they’d try something like this,” Sasuke cut him off. “What I’m surprised at is that you let them. Those scars are straight…” Sasuke’s hand lifted, his index finger extended as if prepared to trace along one of them to prove his point. Although Naruto didn’t flinch back at the moment, Sasuke’s hand dropped back as if he had. “You didn’t put up a fight at all.” It wasn’t a question.

“I did,” Naruto insisted. “There were just so many of them--”

Sasuke snorted. “Stop lying to me. You let them do that to you.”

“No one would let this happen to them, asshole!” Sasuke hissed, rage filtering out the breathy quality his voice had adopted throughout their conversation.

“You didn’t stop them. It’s the same thing.”

“There’s a difference.”

“There isn’t.”

“Shut your fucking mouth! This isn’t--not--it didn’t happen to you, you weren’t there, remember!?”

“Is that what this has all been about?” Sasuke said quickly, eyes flaring up again. “You’ve created this ridiculous story to make me feel guilty over not being there to stop some idiots from carving up your face?”

“No, that’s not it! I didn’t make it up--not really…”

“Well, it certainly wasn’t true.”

“I know that! Just give me five seconds to fucking explain…!”

“Yeah,” Sasuke snorted. “Like what you gave me to explain, right?”

“Yes! I-I mean no!”

“I didn’t force you out of that apartment, Naruto,” Sasuke hissed. He was sitting up straight now, body tenses as if he were getting ready to stand. “You left on your own. You left me, not the other way around.”

“God, you’re so full of shit, Uchiha!” Naruto snapped. “What the fuck is wrong with your head!? You left me, you retard!”

“I did no such thing.”

Naruto snapped. ”California!”shouted. He was on his knees now. While sitting down, even in a hunched position, Sasuke he was still a few inched taller. Now Naruto towered over him. It didn’t help anything. “Fucking California! I may have walked a few blocks from your fucking front door, but you flew across the God-damned country!”

Sasuke looked less angry as he replied, “That wasn’t my choice, Naruto. I had no choice.”

“I know that!” Naruto snapped. “Don’t be stupid.”

“I’m being stupid?” Sasuke said incredulously. “I’m not the one blaming someone for something beyond their control.”

Naruto could already feel his anger quaking under the burdensome weight of guilt, again. The look on Sasuke’s face was devastating. He could barely look the older man in the eye as he said, “I’m not… blaming you. I was just mad.”

“Just mad?” Sasuke repeated disbelievingly. “For eight years, you were ‘just mad’?”

“I was really mad,” Naruto elaborated. “I was… furious. You left me alone right after you--” Naruto shook his head. Sasuke looked suspicious, like he was expecting Naruto to fling wild accusations at him again, so he plowed on, “I didn’t mean to--accuse you of that stuff. I didn’t.”

“Yes,” Sasuke sneered. “Calling me a rapist was just a cute petname. Avoiding me like the bubonic plague was your way of saying you wanted me back.”

“I couldn’t want you back because were never together!” Naruto wasn’t nearly as angry as his words were making him sound. For once, his voice was louder than his mind.

“Oh? My memory tells me otherwise. And apparently, so does yours.”

“Shut up, shut up, I didn’t mean it!”

“You didn’t mean to make it up? Your mind just developed its own agenda?”

“Yes! It sounds crazy, but it’s true!”

“I don’t buy it.”

“Sasuke, please.” This is backwards, ass-backwards, when did we switch sides, is this how he’s felt, every day, every hour, every minute, every second of every week of every month? Have I been doing this to him for years? “You have to trust me…”

Sasuke snorted, but it was a weak sound. “Why should I?” he asked. “You don’t trust me.”

“I--” I do. You’re the only one I can trust. You proved that to me on the floor of your apartment where you threw me down, tore me apart, and showed me each and every sickening inch of my personality, stitched me up and left me there to bleed.

…no.

But that’s not true, right?

Right?

You never did any of that, did you?

You helped me. You gave me someone, something precious, and I was too stupid to realize it had to go away. I was too stupid to put the blame on the wrong person.

I’m sorry.

Sasuke blinked at him, stunned. Naruto had heard someone apologize, their voice weak and nearly unrecognizable. But Sasuke’s lips hadn’t moved, which could only mean that--

“What?” Sasuke murmured, voice disbelieving.

“I’m sorry,” Naruto whispered again. “I’m so…” Naruto sank back from on his knees. “So…” He sunk back, his head hitting the wall. Fuck. “So sorry.” Damn it.

God damn it.

For a long while, both were quiet, neither of them looking at the other. They stared at the wall, the ceiling, the floor, the window, the door. Naruto wondered if it was over now. Sasuke knew the truth, and he didn’t look happy about it. In fact, he looked more upset now than their explosive reunion back in August.

“It was my fault.”

The blond man looked up, mildly surprised to hear a voice after sitting in the quiet, sharing a bed in a moment far more intimate than sex. Naruto hadn’t known what to expect from Sasuke, but the older man taking blame hadn’t once crossed his mind. “What?” Naruto asked dully. “How is any of this your fault?”

Sasuke sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration, leaning back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. Naruto’s fingers twitched at the memory, remembering when he had once done that. The clear, bright light floating in through the window was dimming the longer there not-much-of-a-conversation grew. The walls burned the color of Day-Glo, and combined with the color of Sasuke’s hair, Naruto was reminded amusingly of late October.

“I don’t mean the past few months,” Sasuke finally said, seeming to chew on his words a bit before throwing them out. It sounded rehearsed that way, even though Naruto knew it couldn’t be. “I mean that night.” When Naruto didn’t say anything to that, he went on, “I pushed too hard.”

“You didn’t,” Naruto denied. “I remember… you offered to let me out. I stayed. How’s that your fault?”

Sasuke shook his head. “I pressured you to stay.”

“There’s only so much pressure you can put on a guy,” Naruto snorted. “I wasn’t that weak.”

Sasuke ‘hmm’ed, still not looking into the other man’s eyes. His eyes drifted from the ceiling and out to the window, studying the landscape instead. An acidic taste arose in Naruto’s throat again, and he desperately wished for a glass of water, or a bottle of mouthwash, anything to chase that taste away. Was this what guilt tastes like, Naruto wondered. Have I fucked it all up so badly that this is all I can feel?

Meanwhile, it seemed that Sasuke wanted to talk about this even less than Naruto did. He wasn’t asking the other any questions of his own, just offering quiet and clipped responses as if he’d heard them all already, and was now pulling answers from a memory bank.

In a brazen attempt to catch Sasuke off his guard, Naruto blurted, “Why did you move to Japan?” In his mind, the question had been, “What happened to your family?” but he edited it at last second. What plausible excuse would Naruto have for knowing even an inkling of Sasuke’s past? The blond couldn’t remember ever asking Sasuke about his life before coming to the United States while they were in middle school.

Still, Sasuke didn’t seem all that surprised by the question. “I had to get away,” he answered as if it were the most common thing in the world. “There were more opportunities for me in the States than there were in Japan.”

“Oh,” Naruto said. Cautiously, he asked, “Do you still have family there?”

There was a slight pause before Sasuke replied, “Yes. An older brother.”

A flashback of the old newspaper clipping, of the Sasuke-esque man being dragged by officers.

“Do you ever visit him?”

It was a normal enough questions, but there was definitely a break in conversation at that. Sasuke turned to look him in the eye now, suspicion apparent in every feature of his face. “How much do you know?”

“Know what?” Naruto replied stupidly. He knew he was caught, but his lips seemed to be refusing to acknowledge that fact.

“Don’t play dumb,” Sasuke snapped. “What is it you know about my family?”

Naruto bit his lip, reluctant to admit that he’d been snooping around in Sasuke’s past, however unintentional it had been. He was also weary of dropping Shino’s name. If someone had kept a clip of something in his personal life that he’d obviously wanted hidden, he’d be pissed as hell. And Sasuke didn’t seem the type to let things go.

“I’ve never lied to you,” Sasuke said suddenly, frowning slightly. Naruto was relieved to find that the older man’s words had lost their dullness. “It would be nice if you would return the favor.”

Naruto scowled. He wasn’t lying. That is, if one didn’t count omission as a lie. Apparently Sasuke did, and unfortunately, he was the one person who mattered. So Naruto told him.

“I really couldn’t understand much, it was all in Japanese,” Naruto muttered. “I saw a picture of you as a kid, and the police dragging some guy who looked like--”

“Shino,” Sasuke said shortly. Hesitantly, Naruto nodded. Sasuke’s eyes snapped away as he snarled to the bed sheets, “I told Shino to burn those.”

“It wasn’t his fault!” Naruto said quickly. “It was just sort of… sitting there. He told me not to look through it, but--”

“Yeah, and I bet he made a real effort to hide it, too.” Naruto didn’t know what to say to that, so he kept quiet. A minute or so passed by before Sasuke started speaking again. “Did Shino tell you the story behind it?”

Naruto shook his head because, technically, it was true. It wasn’t Shino that told him, so… I’m doing it again, aren’t I? I’m lying. Lying by omission. Here he is, practically spilling his guts, and I’m lying to save my own sorry ass, what kind of idiot, what kind of asshole, what kind of monster….

“Do you want to know?”

Naruto figured that Sasuke would tell him, but he hadn’t expected to be asked first. “I want to hear it,” Naruto agreed, although he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to. From the sound of his companion’s voice, the tale was worse than the one Sakura had whispered over the café table barely hours ago. Was it that bad? Would this do even more damage to their already irreparable relationship, more so than Naruto himself had caused?

Sasuke still wasn’t looking at him as he began…

--

In retrospect, Naruto knew that he should have thought this over before he’d gone on and done it. He was glad that he was so good at improvising, because after the initial first kiss, Naruto hadn’t the faintest clue as to what he was supposed to do next. And Sasuke was just standing there, presumably in too much shock to do anything, so Naruto was forced to do this on his own.

His hands, unsure of whether they should grasp Sasuke’s shoulders or cup his face, settled for gripping the sides of his black wife-beater. Sasuke’s heavy breaths were leaking into his parted lips, tasting like sweet smoke on his tongue. His lips were slightly chapped, but that was fine, because so was Sasuke’s. The skin above his lower lip was a bit prickly, the beginnings of facial hair Naruto had always wanted to try to grow. He tilted his head a bit, still awkward, and pressed his lips at a different angle. A bit of pressure, slight suction, release, and repeat. Slowly. Unsure. Until Sasuke snapped out of whatever he was in and began to kiss back.

At first, they matched each other in slowness. Sasuke seemed almost as awkward as Naruto, and he wondered if they were going to stop soon. Not hoped, not dreaded, just… wondered. But the longer their lips remained connected, the more confidence Sasuke seemed to grow. There was now a thin layer of wetness between their mouths, and Sasuke moved their faces close together. Hands were encircling Naruto’s back, pressing into skin, drawing him closer. Feeling fingertips pressing into him, he pried his hands opened slowly and moved them closer, holding onto Sasuke at the waist. Sasuke’s nose was cool, his lips scorching, his side a comforting mix of the two. Well, if I’m going to do it, Naruto figured, I might was well do it right.

Sasuke’s rhythm was getting slightly hectic. He mouthed Naruto’s lips hungrily, pressing his tongue flush along the seam of Naruto’s mouth before it finally split open, allowing him to access. Naruto ‘hmm’ed at the back of his throat in surprise, tilting his head back a bit to suit the suddenly hungry drive behind Sasuke’s movements. The new angle made it slightly hard to breathe, and his breaths were embarrassingly loud. Still, Naruto didn’t draw away. Even when Sasuke took a half a step closer and Naruto could feel him against his abdomen, already hard, pressing into him in a slightly painful manner. But Naruto kept still because Sasuke was older, more hormonal people would tell him, so this was fine, this was normal. He wouldn’t acknowledge the way his own belly ached, how excitement was making him slightly delirious. He couldn’t afford to let go, as Sasuke had so obviously already done. Naruto couldn’t begin to fathom the consequences of their both forgetting where they were, who they were, what they were.

And at the same time, nothing had ever sounded better.

Naruto tried to take back control of their kiss, bring it to a slower level. He tried closing his lips a bit more, to press his face to his partner’s less urgently. But Sasuke would have none of it. He was moving forward, and Naruto stumbled back. His grip on Sasuke’s sides suddenly became a necessity. Sasuke walked them backwards, and in Naruto’s mind he pictured those scenes in the movies where the man always walked the woman back into the bedroom. He caught side of steamy fumbling before Iruka was able to find the remote and change the channel. This was exactly what this moment reminded him of, only instead of a bed, Sasuke seemed to be looking for the nearest possible solid surface to push Naruto up against. He found it at the kitchen counter. Naruto back arched as the edge of the counter pressed into the small of his back. Sasuke continued to loom forward over him, tongue still with the obvious intent of reaching Naruto’s tonsils, and his hips were rubbing downwards, then pushing with a deliberate motion that finally forced the blond to react.

“Mmh!” he squeaked out. Sasuke took it as a positive sign and repeated the movement, thrusting his hips into Naruto’s crotch, egged on by what he felt there. Naruto bit lightly on Sasuke’s tongue, but again, Sasuke took it as the complete opposite. He moved again, and again, enough to make Naruto forget himself, forget that he was supposed to be protesting this at all. But he hung adamantly to his decision to stop, just for a moment, to clear both their heads. He twisted his head to the side and, predictably enough, Sasuke followed. Naruto did it a few more times, forcing his head this way and that, until Sasuke disengaged their mouths, heavy breaths batting Naruto in the face. Their bodies were still pressed tightly to each other, and Naruto budged the other with his shoulder, signaling without words that he needed a bit of space. Sasuke obliged, moving back a half step but keeping his arms around his torso.

“What?” Sasuke panted, eyes confused, a bit angry but more hurt. “What wrong I did?”

“Just gimmie a sec,” Naruto breathed. His hands left Sasuke’s sides and he used them to pry his back away from the sharp edge of the counter, then leaned on them as he gasped for breath.

Sasuke was gaining his air back faster than Naruto. “Did I doing something wrong?” he asked, his voice calm despite the faint lace of panic still in his eyes. Nervousness. Like he wasn’t aware that he’d practically tried to eat Naruto’s face.

“No,” Naruto assured him, even though he wasn’t sure that that was entirely true. They stood regaining their breath for a few moments, slowly gathering their wits and senses. But no matter how much Naruto wanted to sort out his thoughts, his desires, and his needs, they all seemed to contradict each other in a way that made it impossible for Naruto to figure out exactly what it was that he wanted.

“Naruto…”

“Mh?” Naruto lips tingled at the simple sound, and he pursed them slightly, drawing them in. The feeling made him giddy, like he’d downed an entire bag of pixie sticks.

And Sasuke, too, looked slightly exhilarated as he asked, “How much willing you to give to me?”

Naruto’s eyebrows furrowed in confused. “What do you mean?”

Sasuke smirked gently. “You kissed me.”

A blush fanned over Naruto’s hose and cheeks, threatening to overtake his forehead and neck nest. “Yeah, so?” he challenged, sounding indignant.

“You must want it.”

“Want what?”

The smirk grew a bit wider, and even though it made Naruto nervous, it was an exhilarating sort of nervous. Like exploring new territory, everything was new, and Ssauke seemed all too willing to be the tour guide.

“Let me show you.”

Naruto swallowed.

What have I started?

“How much are you--what--”

“Shh.” A rustle of cloth. The ghosting of fingertips over skin.

“H-hey…”

“You will let me try, right?

“Yeah, I said I would….”

“You said,” Sasuke agreed breathily. “But you promise?”

“Promise what?” Naruto’s breath hitched somewhere in his throat. Sasuke’s right hand had crept under the hem of his shirt and reached to his back, gently stroking the skin there until he reached the edge of Naruto’s pants.

“To let me try,” Sasuke chuckled, leaning forward. He then did something he hadn’t done before, and kissed the side of Naruto’s neck. Naruto gasped and fought to keep from edging away, to keep his head from jerking Sasuke’s away. His neck felt like far too dangerous a place for any set of teeth to be near. It was different than his mouth. Now Naruto could see him, and seeing somehow intensified it. He saw the top of Sasuke’s head, it was strange, he could smell him, he breathed him in like oxygen, it was strange. Naruto wasn’t sure yet if he liked it yet. “Promise me,” Sasuke ordered. His lips attached themselves to skin. When Naruto subtly tried to move away, Sasuke began to suck gently, using his other arm to wrap around the middle of Naruto’s back, drawing him in closer.

Naruto swallowed, eyes closing. There was shocking, unfamiliar shocks erupting wherever Sasuke kissed, wherever he applied the slightest bit of pressure to. It was too new, too fast, Naruto could do this, he could, he just need incentive.

Naruto swallowed again. “I promise.”

What have I started?

--

“I was seven at the time. Itachi--my brother--he was fifteen. We lived together with our parents. We had a grandmother living with us for a time, but she passed away when I was five. We didn’t have any other relatives besides an aunt and an uncle, but they were moved to America before I was even born.

“The psychiatrists I talked to, the ones who shared both my brother and my cases, told me that Itachi had a mental problem, severe schizophrenia, for a while before the incident. It never manifested itself until he was around fourteen. Until then, he was perfect. He was the golden boy at school, you could say. But when he turned fourteen, his grades began to slip a bit. Nothing drastic enough to cause alarm, just noticeable. A ‘B’ on a paper for a subject he normally liked. A less than perfect grade on a test. My parents just thought it was part of growing up, that he was growing other interests besides academics. But then he dropped out of the basketball team, and then out of the debate team. He stopped hanging out with his friends, and spent more time alone in his room. When it came time for summer break, his grades were slipping so badly the school was talking about setting him back a year.

“Mother and father were growing worried. They wanted to send him away, I know. I heard them talking at night. I don’t know if they were talking about a boarding school or a mental facility. I just knew that by orientation for the next school year, Itachi was going somewhere else.” Naruto noticed that Sasuke’s hands had clenched tightly into the bed sheets. His knuckles were pressed sharply beneath the thin layer of skin, and Naruto wanted to cover it with his own to keep from seeing it shake. Or to stop it. “I didn’t want him to leave. I was seven, and he was everything. My whole world.

“So I told Itachi. I told him that our parents were trying to send him away. I was little, and stupid. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt happy when Itachi told me he’d fix everything, that he wasn’t going anywhere. Everything was all right for the month following that. We had our summer holidays, and he took me out a lot. To the park, to the movies. It made my parents upset, I think.

“I was seven when I came home that day. It was my first day back at school, and I wanted to go on my own. I got home around four in a hurry. I hadn’t seen Itachi the day before, and neither my mother or my father said much on it. I wanted to see if he’d gotten home.” Sasuke paused, and said in a voice too heavy for his youthful age, “He was.”

Sasuke’s hands were definitely shaking now, as was his back. His face was contorted with concentration, with anger, and such overwhelming sadness that Naruto forgot his own guilt. He was filled with the strong desire to assuage Sasuke’s pain, even if it was just a little bit. He didn’t cup his hand over Sasuke’s. Instead, he lined it with the back of Sasuke’s shoulder, right by where it met the wall. Naruto hadn’t willingly touched Sasuke in years, except when it was to hit him all those weeks ago. It made him nervous, and he wondered if he’d feel the same. Solid, with cool skin, so real beneath his palm. Naruto cupped the back of his shoulder gently, applying slight pressure. The shaking stopped, surprising Naruto enough to give him the confidence to add more pressure, rubbing in small circles, massaging out the tension.

Sasuke went on.

“He told me it was all for me,” Sasuke said. “He hugged me. I could smell copper. I’d--never seen so much blood. Not even in movies. He’d used a knife, and--” He stopped, and Naruto began to run his hand up and down his arm. Sasuke was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, and eventually their skin made contact. Sasuke’s arms were cool to the touch. Or was his own hand just too hot?

“Itachi said that they’d been trying to tear us apart so that they could hurt me. He said he had to protect me. He had to…” Sasuke broke off the line of thought. A moment later, he said, “He’s still in Japan, in the same psychiatric ward as he was when he was fifteen.”

When Sasuke refused to go on, Naruto attentively asked, “What happened to you?”

Sasuke seemed slightly calmer as he said, “They sent me to a mental hospital, too. I was released when I was eleven, and went to live with the guardian named in my father’s will. I was set back a few years in school, even though they had a small educational program in the ward. But school didn’t work. I couldn’t get along with anyone. I was starting fights every day. Eventually, my guardian pulled me out and hired a home tutor. But still… I was miserable. Everything reminded me of home.

“I was subjected to a visit to a psychiatrist three times a week for a year, and then once a week for another two. When I was fourteen, I was visiting one a month, and when I was sixteen, they took me off the medications. But nothing had helped. I was still angry.” Sasuke broke off again. “I’m still angry,” he finished.

“And you moved here…?” Naruto pressed, eager for a happier conclusion then that. He hadn’t stopped rubbing Sasuke’s arm. However horrifying, the moment was still rather intimate, comfortable in the closeness of their bodies. He could smell the scent of the soap Sasuke used, and he knew that must be how his hand smelled like now.

“My guardian is a teacher,” Sasuke said. “In America, more and more public schools were offering Japanese as a second language. There was a teacher in a school who was friends with my guardian, and who knew about me. He offered him a job in the States. He said it would be good for me, for a complete change of scenery.”

“And your guardian agreed?”

“Yes.”

“And was it better?”

Sasuke shrugged. “I met you,” he said simply, obviously leaving it open to interpretation.

And then, for the first time since he’d begun his story, Sasuke looked up to meet Naruto’s gaze. His hand stopped moving. His blood chilled in his veins as time around him hit the emergency break, momentum causing his insides to jerk. One large, electric pulse seemed to flow through him. The hairs on his arms, his legs, the back of his neck, stood at attention. His skin prickled. His mouth was dry in a matter of seconds.

Because, finally with three simple words, Sasuke made him understand.

It hit Naruto with the weight an eighteen-wheeler would carry. Everything suddenly made sense. The reason Sasuke kept Naruto at an insultingly large emotional distance at school while continuously trailing him closer than his own shadow. Kissing Naruto in the locker room without sense or hesitation, then allowing Naruto to run away. Waiting until the last minute to tell Naruto his intentions of leaving, if only to keep them connected a few days longer. The reason why Sasuke, for the past several months, had given Naruto all the space he so obviously desired. The reason he’d somewhat humored Naruto’s wild and unfounded accusations.

Because Sasuke, behind eyes colder than ice, words more bitter than lemon concentrate, attitude as bored and aloof as a sloth, was deeply afraid of loss. And if what he said was true--if everything he said was true--

“I’ve never lied to you.”

“I love you.”

Could Naruto bank everything, his future and his past, on a promise made by a man as mentally unstable, if not more so, than he himself was?

“Sasuke,” Naruto murmured. “You told me once that I didn’t trust anyone around me. Not even Iruka.” Can I really gamble my life away on a whim? “Why did you say that?”

--

“Stay still.”

“I can’t.” Naruto continued to squirm. His breath came in short spurts, and the tingling sensations erupting through his body helped with nothing. At this point, even a gentle stroke across the back of his hand would put him in danger of heart failure. His body was attempting to rapidly desensitize itself to Sasuke’s touch, but no matter how gentle Sasuke’s warms lips were as they mouthed the juncture between his neck and shoulder, his head still reacted by twisting towards Sasuke, minimizing the space the older boy could access.

“Close your eyes.”

“I can’t!”

“Try.”

“I am, trying, you bastard! I just can’t keep them closed!” Sasuke shrunk back slightly. Naruto lay propped up on his elbows on the floor, refusing to lay fully on his back, and it was making his joints ache at the constant pressure. Sasuke’s legs were spread wide and straddling his lap, the jean stretched tightly over him in a way that made Naruto’s stomach revolt against the rest of him, his blood boiling in his veins.

Now Sasuke was drawing back fully so that he could sit up straight, towering over Naruto. The blond propped himself up a bit further, half ecstatic and half devastated that Sasuke had finally stopped. Being touched hadn’t been the least bit comfortable. It was awkward and new and he didn’t like it. But what made his uniform slacks feel uncomfortable and tight was the mere idea of it. That this was new, that attention was focused solely on him, and Sasuke was looking at him in a way he never thought anyone, male or female, would ever look at him.

Then Sasuke’s hand slid to the hem of his black wife-beater, and he was peeling it off.

“The Hell are you doing!?” Naruto yelped, already trying to scoot back. He’d seen the naked torsos of other boys in the locker room all the time, but this felt different. This was too close to his face, too intimate, and the fact that it was meant to be intimate just made the whole matter worse.

Instead of answering, or even throwing his shirt down, Sasuke lay it horizontally over Naruto’s heaving chest. And, oddly enough, he began to fold it.

“What… are you doing?”

Again, Sasuke didn’t answer. He continued to fold until he had a long, rectangular piece of cloth four inches wide. Sasuke then picked it up, one hand grasping each end, and holding it up for Naruto to see clearly.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. “Teaching me origami now, Uchiha?”

Sasuke scowled, and Naruto noticed how when he sighed in frustration, the hollow beneath his ribs heaved slightly and for a moment, he looked normal. Then he was back to skeletal thin, and Naruto found himself keeping his eyes away from Sasuke’s chest due to pity instead of nerves.

“I knot around your eyes.”

No. “No.”

“Come on,” Sasuke snapped. “You not keep them close. This will help.”

“No!”

“Then keep them close yourself.”

“I can’t,” Naruto sighed. He shuffled on his arms, and made to sit up. “This isn’t working, Sasuke.”

“It would if you agree to--”

“No! I said I’d try and I did! Now get off!’

“You are not trying!” Sasuke insisted, leaning down closer, causing Naruto to lower himself painfully to the carpet.

“I am! I’m just pretty damn sure you’re not supposed to jump to all this shit on the first day!” Naruto scowled. “I don’t wanna sound like a girl, but--”

“Well you do,” Sasuke remarked coldly, no apology for the comment shining in his suddenly angered black eyes. “You didn’t say you try. You promise.”

Naruto forgot what it was that he’d been planning to say. You promise. That was a low blow. Naruto knew that as a fourteen-year-old, it was slightly ridiculous to stand on such high moral ground, but that didn’t stop the fact that he did. On some level, he knew that Sasuke’s pressuring punctuated nearly every law of morality he lived by, but that was Sasuke’s choice. You promise. He’d never told his friend about his ethics, about his refusal to break even the smallest of promises. You promise. Somehow Sasuke knew, and somehow, he found it right to use that to his advantage. You promise.

“You promise,” Sasuke repeated, smelling an easy victory. “You promise.”

“I know,” Naruto murmured. “But I--”

“Don’t you trust me?” Sasuke asked, changing tactics. “You must.”

“I don’t know if I do,” Naruto admitted, scooting back an inch or two, surprised when Sasuke allowed it.

“You must. You don’t trust anyone other.”

“Who the Hell says I don’t, huh?” Naruto barked, surprised by Sasuke’s confidence.

“Because I know you,” Sasuke said. “You talk to no one at school. You talk to me.”

“That just means I think you’re less shitty than anyone else,” Naruto said, which was partly true. Sasuke was indeed more bearable than anyone else, but he refused to admit that there was reason beyond that. Unfortunately, Sasuke already appeared to know that he was lying by omission.

“Explain why you follow me then.”

“’Follow’ you!? You’re the one who follows me you freaking nut job--”

“And Iruka,” Sasuke continued. “You don’t trust him neither.”

Shocked that anyone who‘d known him for more than a twenty-four hour period would say anything like that, Naruto said, “Now you’re just making shit up. If I’d trust anyone, I’d trust him.”

“But you don’t,” Sasuke insisted. “If you did, would he know about us?”

“What about us? We’re just friends who fight more than get along. Nothing else to know.” Naruto finally took notice that Sasuke had put down his pell-mell blindfold, and was now leaning forward, using one arm to prop himself up and the free hand to gently cup the side of Naruto’s head. Naruto felt the coolness of his fingertips through his hair, and wondered if his hands were equally as cold.

“I think this,” Sasuke murmured, his voice gone from painfully insistent to deep and husky in an impossibly short amount of time, “is more than friends.”

“No,” Naruto lied. “It’s you trying to make it something more.”

“You kissed me.”

“You started it.”

“Don’t be child. It’s not a fight going back and forth. You kissed me.”

“That was a mistake.”

“It wasn’t. Stop pretend that it is.”

“I’m not pretending, bastard! It was a… in the moment kind of thing…” Naruto ended lamely.

Sasuke’s eyes narrowed into thin strips of shiny obsidian. “Then have another moment now.”

“You can’t make moments, moron. They just happen.”

Sasuke snorted. “You sound such like a girl, Uzumaki.”

“Fuck off, pretty boy.”

Sasuke sighed, and Naruto though that his diversion tactics had worked. He was yanked back into reality when Sasuke said, his voice so small and unlike him Naruto felt unreasonably guilty, “You kissed me.”

“I already said it was a mistake.”

“And you let me try all this…” Sasuke’s voice was disbelieving and accusing, but somehow, Naruto saw through it as easily as looking through a window. His strong façade was cracking, and although this should be reason for celebration, all Naruto felt was a horrible, sweltering wave of guilt. Naruto hadn’t noticed it before, but now he did. Sasuke’s hand slid from his hair like it had died. Flopping down lifelessly to hang by the owner’s side. Sasuke’s broad shoulders were sagging with his confidence, and Naruto felt the foreign need to run his hands along them, massage between his shoulder blades, lift them up again.

Although Naruto knew that an apology would be what best suited the situation, he couldn’t bring himself to utter the two simple words. He didn’t try to move himself back any further. Sasuke was half naked, and he himself felt like he’d been stripped of even his skin. The mood was gone, and now it was awkward, and their breathing was too loud in the silent apartment.

“Make no sense,” Sasuke muttered, and Naruto could feel an easy victory. The conversation was drawing to a close, and he could leave here with his mind and body still in one piece. A little dented, but fine. He could go home

Let him go?

return to school

Let him go?

and back to the life he had before Sasuke stepped off the plane and into this country, ruining it all.

No.

“Yeah, well, Iruka always said love didn’t make sense.” Naruto was positive his voice has that tone of finality in it, the one he always heard in the principal’s voice when he dismissed Naruto from his office. However awkward it was, it would be even worse if Naruto remained sitting there. He made to move further back, expecting Sasuke to relent and let him up.

He was very wrong.

Naruto wondered briefly if he had jinxed himself earlier, when he found himself wishing that Sasuke would lose his hunched stature. His shoulders were broad and proud once again, his hands, still cold, tight as they gripped Naruto’s shoulders and pushed the blond harshly back onto the floor. Unfortunately, he’d been moving too far back, and a splitting pain exploded like fireworks as his head cracked loudly against the wooden siding of the counter.

“Ouch! Fucking--fuck, Uchiha, what the hell is yo--” The rest of his angry words were cut off as Sasuke’s hand cupped itself over his mouth, cutting off all sound. “Mmf!”

Sasuke’s face loomed not but an inch from him, now. Black eyes were his entire world, a thin border of pale skin outlining it. Naruto could smell his breath as it fanned across his face, and it was all at once familiar and frightening. Calming and enough to make his blood boil in his veins. Their noses touched and he thought he might fall victim to a heart attack.

When Sasuke spoke, Naruto had to beat down his anger long enough to focus on the softly spoken words, as quiet and deadly as the first tower of smoke signaling a fire. “’Love’?” the raven-haired man hissed, and at once, Naruto knew his mistake. His hands gripped Sasuke’s wrist and tried to pull the hand away from his mouth, but Sasuke just pressed harder, causing his tender skull to press painfully into the floor. Eyes watering with pain, Naruto tightened his grip, but kept a light hold on Sasuke’s wrist.

“Do you love me, Naruto?”

His head hurt too much to move it far, so he settled with a twitch of his head to the right and a glare that clearly spelled out immanent death.

“You speak it.”

Naruto tried to say something, and Sasuke’s fingers tightened. He wondered if he’d have finger-shaped bruises across his cheekbones by morning.

“You speak it, not me,” Sasuke repeated. Gently, he moved his head to trace the contour of Naruto’s cheek with the tip of his nose. The younger boy was too enraged, too confused, too frightened to struggle away from it. Sasuke’s free hand had come up to cup the side of his neck while his nose buried itself into Naruto’s hair. The blond froze, curious despite himself, waiting for Sasuke to make his next move.

“You love me,” Sasuke concluded with so much confidence that Naruto felt as if he were in vertigo, everything upside down, his whole mind spinning. He could smell Sasuke’s skin. His drunken mind wondered what it would taste like. Sasuke pulled back to look Naruto in the eye. He repeated those three words again, this time in a stronger and slightly pleading tone, as if he were trying to convince Naruto of it this time. Naruto tried to tell him it was a slip of tongue, but that would just prove Sasuke’s point. He wanted to say it was a mistake, but he’d said that so many times that even he wouldn’t believe himself. Naruto had no way to deny it that made any sense, and for a split second, after Sasuke repeated it for a third time (“You love me”)--he wins--Naruto believed it. Naruto believed he loved him. In that split second, all he saw was pain. Insurmountable amounts of pain that would come with loving a man, especially a man like Sasuke. Did he even know what love was--I love you?--at fourteen? When would he begin to understand--You love me--he wins--was there an age limit? When would he understand?

All in the span of a split second. It was enough to change the look in Naruto’s eyes, even if for a moment, and Sasuke grabbed onto that, holding it like his only lifeline. Still refusing to Naruto speak, he said, “You will try.” His other hand, that had been idly stroking Naruto’s neck, now left and picked up the discarded t-shirt. He one-handedly lay it across Naruto’s chest and fixed the once-neat folds. When he was done, he held it up, like he’d done earlier.

“Try,” Sasuke ordered. “For me. Your promise.”

And, to Naruto’s surprise, Sasuke released his mouth. To his even greater surprise, Naruto couldn’t think of anything to say. Sasuke drew back and held the blindfold up again.

“The only thing to bother you is my gender,” Sasuke said. “So forget it.”

It was a fairly large thing to ignore. Naruto almost said it, but he was still struck mute by his involuntary admission--lie, lie, it was a lie--and Sasuke’s reaction to it.

Taking Naruto’s silence as permission, Sasuke began to creep forward with the blindfold. When the fabric brushed over the bridge of Naruto’s nose, he imagined that it was still warm from Sasuke’s body heat, and he flinched back. It wasn’t far enough to deter Sasuke, who moved faster this time. He slid it over Naruto’s eyes, and instantly, everything was black. Still, Naruto remained immobilized as Sasuke swiftly tied it into a tight knot at the back of his head. The twist of it lay several inches below the lump on his scalp from where his head had ht the counter, yet it ached all the same.

There was quiet. Naruto studied the darkness closely. He knew that there was some dark fabric as easy to see through as fishnet, but the wife-beater proved to be too thick from its many folds to make out even a flicker of movement. Sasuke shifted, and the weight on his abdomen subsided slightly. Still, Naruto’s heartbeat quickened, and he knew his breaths were falling even faster. He failed to see how cutting off one sense would help. Sure he couldn’t see him, but he could feel him, a sense amplified now that his sight was lost. Besides his pounding heart, he could hear the slight shuffle of clothes as Sasuke shifted. He wondered what it was, exactly, that he was doing.

When something warm touched his lips, at first Naruto couldn’t register what it was. The touch was tentative, with only the slightest pressure, before moving to gently mouth his lower lip. It took several moments for Naruto to realize that Sasuke was kissing him again. There were two hands at his shoulders, rubbing them softly, before moving from them to his neck and caressing that.

It felt odd. Even though he could see nothing, the fact that his eyes were open made it feel wrong, somehow. So he closed them, and instantly the darkness become soothing as opposed to frightening. Slowly he mirrored Sasuke’s movements. When he felt Sasuke’s head tilt to the right, he moved to accommodate that. When Sasuke gently bit into his top lip, Naruto focused on the bottom. When something smoothed along the seam of his mouth, something that send rivers of fire streaming downwards, he met it with a tiny lick of his own. When Sasuke coaxed his mouth open, he let him, and their tongues slid slowly along each other. Naruto shifted his body, his face was on fire, it was an embarrassing reaction but he was fourteen and--

There was a gentle tug, then release, on his shirt. The feeling of Sasuke’s calloused fingertips had left the skin of his neck, and when there was a second tug on his shirt, Naruto realized he was unbuttoning it. This didn’t bother Naruto as much as he knew it should have. It felt a bit like Sasuke was evening the playing field. If the raven-haired boy was shirtless, why wasn’t he? It wasn’t like he’d never been shirtless around another male before. The situation in which he was shirtless, however, bothered him very much. It was comfortable with Sasuke. If it had been a girl in his class, Naruto would look for the nearest desk to hide himself under. But this was Sasuke, another boy, and it felt perfectly fine. It felt almost normal the way that Sasuke pushed the school shirt off of his shoulders. It was only natural that Naruto should lean up and shrug the article of clothing off. Was this right? The way he’d been taught told him it should have been a girl, a woman here, with him. But that would make him uncomfortable. The way he’d been taught told him another boy, another man, doing this to him was the darkest sin imaginable. Yet it was as comfortable and easy as breathing. Was something wrong here? Was there something wrong with him?

Sasuke’s mouth was gone suddenly, and Naruto drew in a deep breath of air he hadn’t known he needed so much. Sasuke’s hand were at his sides, urging him up. Naruto obliged, lifting his arms slightly and allowing Sasuke to pull the undershirt over his head. The blond hovered awkwardly for a moment before gentle hands were pushing at his shoulders, pressing him down once again. Sasuke settled himself more comfortably over Naruto’s hips, and the blond could feel him through the older boy’s jeans, through his slacks, and he wondered how far Sasuke was planning on taking this before one of them chickened out. It didn’t seem like Sasuke was willing to back down, so it was a matter of Naruto deciding if he was more frightened, more aroused, or more stubborn to keep his promise.

It was a dangerous game of chicken, Naruto decided. Sasuke undid the belt buckle on his pants. We’re both on motorcycles. Sasuke jerked at the zipper, pulling it downwards. On a narrow, rickety bridge. Sasuke looped his hand not into Naruto’s slacks, but his boxers as well, pulling. The blond felt the cloth shift. He gulped. Over a sea of liquid lava.

Who will cave first?

Naruto was determined not to be the one who gave in. People did this all the time, he reasoned. And Sasuke seemed to know what he was doing. There was a hand stroking his clothed thigh, and his leg twitched with the effort to keep it still. Sasuke’s hand just kept on climbing higher. And although Naruto knew that those hands were rough with calluses, connected to arms taught with muscle, and although his pride begged to differ, Naruto was slowly beginning to lose himself. It was like slipping from the real world to a daydream in the middle of class. Everything took on a calmer, more surreal quality, without actually changing anything. Sasuke had shifted his hips down and pressed gently into Naruto’s, aligning both their arousals. Naruto didn’t buck up or react when Sasuke repeated the motion, grinding downwards a bit harder. But he didn’t stop it, either. Nor did he feel an ounce of disgust, of relief. He didn’t stop to think that the blindfold was working, because if he did, it would all be ruined.

Naruto didn’t want this to be ruined. It felt good. Sasuke was warm and real above him, taking control in such a perfectly uncontrolled away. Naruto let him push his pants out of the way, and felt Sasuke pull back to shimmy out of his jeans.

Bare skin.

It felt good.

They began to sweat soon after that. Naruto shifted his legs and kicked his feet out of his slacks. Because he felt stupid to have them on, he also toed out of his socks. When his feet were bare, he slowly ran them down the length of Sasuke’s calves. There were hands touching him, around his hips, the small of his back, stroking the insides of his thighs repeatedly--

That’s all right, it’s all right, because I’m touching him too.

It started slowly. Naruto didn’t think he could, but he did. Because just for ten minutes, or even five, Naruto wanted to feel good. The building pressure, the pleasure as a rough and hot hand gently took hold of him and squeezed, was all too wrong for words, but he couldn’t stop. He now understood what it meant to be caught up in the heat of a moment. And what a heat it was. Hot, fumbling.

The carpet was rough.

Sweat made their fingers slide and stick.

Awkward angles as their hands found each other and jerked.

Moaning, then quieter sounds, because they thought they were being too loud.

Too inexperienced, too rough, too fast.

It feels good.

Don’t stop.

Please. Please.

Don’t go.

Sasuke bent his head lower and began to lick at his neck, lips roaming confidently over the skin there, raising marks that would no doubt be purple by the morning.. When the raven-haired boy leaned back down for another heated kiss, he rearranged his body to fit it better along Naruto’s, lower. Naruto‘s arm stretched, and Sasuke batted his hand away. Took a hold of both of them, squeezed, grinded, oh. When he drew his tongue back out to play, he took the chance to grind his hips down hard. Even with his mouth covered, Naruto’s yelp was loud in the silently dimming room to break their unspoken treaty to keep things quiet as possible. Sasuke repeated the motion, drawing quiet grunts, drawn out moans.

As the moments drew on, the kiss grew sloppier, and Sasuke’s movements become more sporadic. He went from slow, long, powerful grinds to quick and inexperienced ones, shaking them both, causing Naruto to cry out. Air became hard to find and at some point they broke apart. Sasuke instantly latched his mouth onto Naruto’s neck again, biting and lapping at the flesh until Naruto, dizzy from the sweet pain of it, returned the favor. To leave dark marks in the skin as white as snow. Sasuke sucked at small patches behind his ears before quickly running his tongue across Naruto’s chin, then down to the hollow at the base of his throat, all the while creating unrelated rhythms that the blond made his best attempts to follow, raising his hips, spreading his legs, trying to find footing. The unrelenting friction combined with the utter helplessness of the darkness--let him have it, give him control, it feels good, lose responsibility, he wants it, he can have it, it feels good--intensified the cravings, and he could feel the scorching heat threaten to burn and char the skin right off his bones.. Their chests, slick with sweat, slid together, making wet noises to match that of Sasuke’s tongue as it circled his throat.

An epiphany came to him as Sasuke bit particularly hard on the juncture between his neck and shoulder. Naruto knew who he was. With his hands he knew he’d just memorize nearly every inch of him from the hips up. He ran one hand messily over Sasuke’s moving jaw, then over his face, following the gentle slope of his nose, then downwards to his panting lips. Sasuke captured a finger in his mouth, sucking it in, circling it with his tongue and Naruto moaned as his partner let go, now licking at the web between his fingers. The roughness of his hands was oddly welcoming. The erection rubbing against his own wasn’t awkward, just a mirror image of his own need, and comforting in that they were the same, no secret places on the body they had to work around or discover. It was comforting to know what they both wanted, and how to get it with no inhibitions.

The knot of his blindfold dug into the back of his head. Naruto maneuvered it to rub downwards on the carpet, arching his neck. The cloth wouldn’t shift, but he hadn’t expected it to. He expected Sasuke to understand.

Pale hands were fumbling behind him in an instant--yes, yes--and the cloth was gone. The room was dim, and it was wonderful to be able to fully open his eyes without pain. Sasuke was staring down at him like he was the last person on earth, eyes earnest and open in his flushed face. Panting. Lips swollen after trying to swallow Naruto whole. For the second time that day, Naruto initiated the kiss. With both hands he tangled his fingers into Sasuke’s hair, feeling how hot it was, silk woven with threads of flame.

Naruto found his peak before Sasuke, crashing himself upwards one last time before collapsing. Liquid warmth soiled their stomachs, causing their skin to make an odd sucking noise as they moved together. His eyes tightened shut as he rode out the last waves of his orgasm and waited for Sasuke to still above him. The boy continued to move as if possessed for ten more grueling seconds, in which the mind-altering realization of what he’d just participated in came crawling back before Sasuke grunted and smashed himself downwards, suffocating Naruto with the smell of him, the feel of muscle as hard and unrelenting as iron. His fingers dug into sharp hipbones and he gave small, erratic thrusts as he enjoyed the white hot sensation of it.

White hot.

It wasn’t white. It wasn’t blinding. His orgasm didn’t bring the that bright light his previous attempts at masturbation had brought him. This one was shared, and different somehow. It was intoxicatingly pleasurable, and left Naruto gasping, mind thoroughly blinded by it. It was almost… the color blinding his sight, the color he saw when he closed his eyes was….

They lay there for a while, Sasuke on top of him, their bodies crushed tightly together, gathering strength. Their rest probably lasted longer than the actual act. After a while, though, Sasuke grunted and rolled off of him. Suddenly, breathing wasn’t such a burden anymore.

“Are you fine?” Sasuke murmured. There was no hesitance in the thickly accented voice, which was comforting. Sasuke was treating this like a normal thing. No matter how extraordinary it had been, it was good to know that on some level, at least the two of them could take it in strike.

“I’m fine,” Naruto assured him in a weak voice, resisting the urge to make a sarcastic comment. This didn’t seem the time.

“How about a drink?” Sasuke asked. “I can get you a drink, if you wish.”

“Y-yeah,” Naruto stuttered. “Thanks.”

Sasuke slowly stood up, and Naruto’s eyes followed the taller boy as he padded softly to the kitchen. His movements were deliberate and fluid, like a women. He was certainly more graceful than Naruto ever had the chance of being. He fetched a cup from the cupboard and filled it with water from the tap. When it was halfway full, he brought it back. Sasuke sat down slowly, but not like he was afraid of scaring Naruto with sudden movements. He seemed sated, content, and he watched Naruto take a long drink with lazy eyes and a small smile on his lips.

When Naruto had drained the cup, Sasuke took it from him and set it on the kitchen’s tiled floor. He promptly lay back down beside Naruto, wrapping an arm around his waist and tugging him so that they lay side-by-side.

Naruto snorted good-naturedly. “Should we go find a couch or something?”

“Nnh,” Sasuke hummed, burying his nose into Naruto’s neck. “Are you uncomfortable.”

Naruto thought about it for a moment. “Not really,” he replied. To prove it, he lifted his left leg and draped it over Sasuke’s, bringing them closer. The semen and sweat drying on their bodies felt odd, but the way Sasuke smiled into the skin of his shoulder made up for it.

It feels good.

Sasuke kissed the side of his neck.

Don’t go.

--

Sasuke looked like he didn’t quite know how to answer that question. Although Naruto had seen Sasuke surprised before, this was different. Sasuke looked deeply unsettled, and the blond’s stomach sunk when he noticed that peculiar emotion flash through Sasuke’s eyes once again. It made Naruto’s chest hurt, his heart beating too loudly in his ribcage. He hated that looked. He had no idea what it was, he still didn’t, but he despised it with every fiber of his being.

“I told you that,” Sasuke murmured, “because you were only unhappy around me.”

Naruto blinked. “How does misery equal trust in your books?”

“Because you were miserable,” Sasuke informed him. “Every day I worried you wouldn’t show up at school. And every day you did, smiling at everyone and everything… except for me. Not even for Iruka would you drop that stupid little mask of yours.” Sasuke’s face fell. “Except for me. With me, you were honest. Brutally so. And I don’t know why that was. I figured it was because I couldn’t understand half of what you were saying. Or maybe because I hated the children in that school just as mush as you did. Whatever the reason, you didn’t pretend for me.” Sasuke tilted his head to the side, as if asking a question. “That, to me, is trust.”

What is it to me?

What is trust?

Is this trust?

“And I knew… because I trusted you.”

This is trust.

Is this love?

Sasuke eyes him levelly. His black eyes were warm, alive, even after all he’d been subjected to.

Yes. It is.

Naruto smiled.

Can I fix this?

I can try.

I promise.

--


Naruto dug his face deeply into the crook of Sasuke’s neck, breathing it in. He couldn’t tell if it was cologne or shampoo he was smelling, but whatever it was, it smelled nice. He couldn’t get enough of it. Naruto’s lips attached themselves below Sasuke’s hears, sucking in at the skin and biting the flesh that was trapped between his teeth. He wasn’t sure if he was being too rough or too gentle, but Sasuke didn’t seem to mind, what with the way his breath hitched every time Naruto bit down, groaning softly when the blond laved at the bite marks with his tongue.

He now had a fairly good idea of what sex smelled like. Whenever he pulled back from Sasuke’s neck he caught a whiff of musk, combined with the tangy odor of their mingled sweat. It was unlike anything he’d ever smelled, and although it wasn’t entirely pleasant, Naruto couldn’t bring himself to mind it. It seemed right; an awkward smell to go along with awkward post-bliss. Sasuke, however, seemed to be rewinding instead of moving forward to a point where they’d finally break apart. The older boy’s hands were still sticky as the trailed over Naruto’s calf, still slung over his hip, over his abdomen, still shining, still hot. The hand on his leg trailed up, over his hip, traveling in the dip of his pelvic for a brief moment of time, making Naruto shudder and shift away at the abrupt tickling sensation. As fast as it was moving, however, was as fast as it disappeared.

Naruto felt Sasuke’s arm reach across him and he pulled back to give his partner a curious look. Sasuke just shook his head and leaned forward to mesh their lips together. This was fine by Naruto. Kissing was what had started all this, before they’d covered more bases in an hour than any normal couple should in half a year. Kissing was like the base of an experiment. Never changing, always there to measure things up against, to decide how far outside of Naruto’s comfort zone Sasuke was planning on taking them next.

A new scent reached Naruto’s nostrils, and for a while, he was confused. It was definitely familiar, but so very out of context that he couldn’t name it. Sasuke was fumbling with something behind him, but he was keeping Naruto’s mouth too busy for the blond to figure out what it was. After a few moments, the movement stopped, and the side of Sasuke’s hand was gently smoothing over Naruto’s backside.

The younger boy flinched minutely out of surprise, but forced his jumping nerves to calm down. His body was tired, but already his hormones were racing. He didn’t know what to blame for that; his age, or Sasuke.

Naruto broke away from the kiss suddenly, leaving Sasuke to momentarily mouth air. The hand that had been tracing the contours of his rear had slipped down, to a more intimate place, sliding up and between Naruto’s legs, searching with damp fingertips. The smoothness of the substance as it was accidentally smeared on his skin alerted him to what it really was. Is that…?

“Sasuke,” Naruto panted, dodging Sasuke’s lips when he leaned in for another kiss, obviously keen on distracting the younger boy. “What the fuck are you doing with oil?”

Sasuke shushed him. The hand continued to slide, and Naruto’s face flushed a humiliated crimson when he felt the slippery fingers slide into the crevice of his ass. He was pressing at Sasuke’s chest now, trying to inch backwards. But Sasuke had leaned up to free the arm he was laying it on, snaking it under Naruto’s head to circle around his shoulders to simulatniously massage the stress away and to keep him from freeing himself.

“Relax,” Sasuke reprimanded. “It feel good if you relax.”

“I don’t wanna relax!” Naruto snapped childishly. “What is it you’re trying to do now?”

Sasuke sighed in frustration. “Dobe,” he hissed, “have I lied about it feeling good yet? For anything?”

Naruto bit his lip. Sasuke was right. Although not everything had necessarily gone smoothly, and certain things felt wrong for a while, it had felt good. And at least for now, the barrier between genders had been demolished. None of the girls in the world mattered because Naruto wasn’t part of that world. He was in Sasuke’s apartment, Sasuke’s world, Sasuke’s rules and his home. And if said it was all right, and Naruto said it was all right, then it was fine. This would be fine too.

Naruto nodded lightly. Winced at the slight pressure, gasped when something gave way in a manner he felt almost certain wasn’t meant to be. But he allowed it. Naruto buried his face into the skin of Sasuke’s neck, kissed it lightly. Winced when the finger slid in further. Sasuke shushed him to relax once again, and Naruto bit his neck harder than he had before, feeling Sasuke’s wince. That shut him and his stupid cooing up.

The finger slid in further, Naruto wincing. He could feel it moving inside, and it made his insides squirm with discomfort. It didn’t hurt, but the foreign pressure bellied the desire that had previously held residence as top emotion in his body. “This,” he muttered, gulping when the intrusion grew deeper. “This feels weird,” he finished lamely. Then he gasped. Sasuke was sliding his finger out, the motion of that odd as well, before sliding it back in, faster than before.

“It feel better,” Sasuke promised. “Have patience.”

Naruto tried. He licked at Sasuke’s neck some more, distracting himself with the pleasant salty taste it left on his tongue. His body, although tired from its orgasm, was beginning to burn again. Naruto didn’t know if he wanted that to happen again so soon. The feeling of it was uncomfortably intimate, which was part of what made it so enjoyable. Naruto shut his eyes, giving up and resting his head against Sasuke’s shoulder, reveling in the feel of it. When Sasuke pulled back, he moved n slowly again, and Naruto winced. He’d added another finger.

“You don’t have to do this,” Naruto panted, grunting when the fingers slid until he felt knuckles press lightly into his backside. “I’m fine. Really. Ah! W-wait, hold on!”

Sasuke was rolling them over now so that Naruto lay on his back, legs spread so that the raven-haired boy could slide between them. Naruto felt a hot arousal press into his own before Sasuke’s free hand was lifting his leg, settling it over his hip so that the other hand could have better access. Naruto bit his lip, heart thundering in his chest. He yelped when a third began to worm its way in and he twisted his hips to try and dislodge it, hissing Sasuke’s name in an angry and embarrassed tone. But Sasuke just chuckled, the smirk on his face revealing his amusement.

“Keep on laughing!” Naruto snapped. “Wait until I cram my fucking fingers up your--your--” Sasuke laughed again, and Naruto scowled, turning his face away.

“Deeper?” Sasuke questioned lightly, obviously enjoying himself. Naruto shook his head ‘no’, but Sasuke ignored him, moving them in even further, pumping them quickly in and out, making embarrassingly loud slipping noises.

“Slower,” Naruto provided. He felt like the wind was constantly being knocked from his lungs, and he couldn’t catch enough of it. “Do you understand ‘slow’ you asshole?”

Sasuke did understand, and he obeyed. His fingers moved more slowly, and Naruto could feel them spreading, stroking at his insides. The slightly pain was sharp, but added to the alien pleasure of it. He groaned softly as they brushed along a different spot of him. His hips arched again, this time to take them in further. Sasuke’s smirk turned into a triumphant one, and Naruto was too distracted to notice the ominous confidence creeping into his smile.

“Naruto?” he asked softly. Naruto’s eyes flickered to attention. “Does it feel good?” The fingertips brushed a spot inside of him, the same spot as before, and Naruto ‘ahh’ed softly. He nodded his head once, although that was all his pride would allow him. “I never lied, correct?” Sasuke pushed. “About what would feel good.” Again, Naruto just shook his head once, forgoing his pride for more of the shockingly good sensations. His hips rose in rhythm to Sasuke’s hand, something that made the older boy’s smirk grow a bit wider. “Then would you be allowing me to try something new?”

Naruto grunted, the noise neither approval or refusal. He wasn’t sure he wanted anything else. This was more than sufficient. It was even better than the hand job he’d received earlier. But Sasuke was adamant in getting an answer. The fingers slid free of Naruto’s body, and Naruto whined in disapproval. “Hey!”

“An answer,” Sasuke ordered, black eyes looking down at Naruto in amusement.

Still breathing heavily, Naruto asked, “What is it you want to try?”

Sasuke shook his head. “Just answer me.”

“Not until you tell me what it is,” Naruto reasoned.

“Do you trust me?”

“Well, yeah, or else I wouldn’t have let you--”

“And I not lied about what felt good, ne?”

Naruto fidgeted nervously. “Yeah, but--”

“Don’t worry,” Sasuke murmured. “I know what to do.”

Naruto still didn’t answer. He was still aroused, and he knew that Sasuke could feel it. In turn, he felt Sasuke’s manhood press heatedly into his abdomen. So far, whatever they’d done so far had done something for both of them. Naruto couldn’t figure out what it was that Sasuke thought they could do.

“All right…” Naruto said reluctantly.

“You promise?”

That sent alarms off in Naruto’s head. Even though the last promise had turned out to work in Naruto’s favor, it had been over something Sasuke knew he wouldn’t be able to do unless he brought Naruto’s unbendable morale into the deal. “Why should I?” Naruto challenged.

Sasuke shrugged, then smirked. “So you won’t chicken out me, of course.”

“Should I want to?”

“Only if you’re cowardice.”

Naruto narrowed his eyes. “Stop taking advantage of me!” he snapped.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, looking frustrated. “Don’t be such a woman, dobe.”

“I’m not a girl!” Naruto snapped, but then sighed, knowing that Sasuke had him cornered. “Fine. I promise.”

Sasuke smiled. He didn’t smirk, or sneer, but smiled. It was only a small tilt at the sides of his lips, but Naruto felt it was worth the dangerous deal just to see what was probably a once-in-a-lifetime thing. “Thank you.”

“Tch, whatever,” Naruto murmured, turning his head to the side, waiting. “Well?”

“Close your eyes.”

“No.”

“Don’t be stubborn again. Just do it.”

“Why?”

“Just trust me.”

Naruto snorted. “Eventually you’re gonna get tired of playing that card,” he said. Nevertheless, he closed his eyes, but not before rolling them in an overly-exaggerated manner in order to illustrate his feelings of Sasuke’s secrecy. His partner mumbled something quickly in Japanese, and then he began to shift. The head of Sasuke’s arousal left his stomach, and the man shifted between his legs.

Shlick

Naruto waited impatiently, twitching his fingers a bit. He was laying with his arms crossed over his chest, and he was all too aware of his position. It was too open to make him feel comfortable, but then again, he hadn’t been comfortable since last Thursday. What was one more bit of awkwardness to the pile of it towering over his senses?

Sasuke was finished with whatever it was he had been doing. He left both hands at his legs now, one damp with what Naruto assumed to be oil. They spread his legs upwards instead of outwards this time, sliding over the back of his knees and pushing them up. Naruto’s arms uncrossed themselves and his hands went to brace themselves on the carpet. “What are you--?” His legs were propped up and over Sasuke’s shoulders then and the hands slid down once more, fondling his ass for a moment or two, spreading his cheeks, fingering Naruto for a moment. The breath caught in Naruto’s throat. Something pressed up against him then, and for a wild moment, Naruto thought his fingers were back, but it felt different.

By the time Naruto figured out what it was Sasuke had pressed against him, and the blunt head of his penis was already being pushed inside. Naruto yelped, but his body was bent in a way that prevented him from squirming away. His arms were spread at his sides, and he struggled to wrap them around his own legs to reach Sasuke’s shoulders. His partner was leaning heavily over the backs of his legs, so close to Naruto’s face he could feel his breath. Naruto’s eyes were opened, taking in the slightly pained expression on Sasuke’s face. He cried out again as Sasuke squeezed himself in further.

“S-stop!” Naruto pleaded. ”Hold on! Fuck, Sasuke! Sasuke! This is d-d-ahh! Different than your fucking fingers! It’s too big, it won’t fit, get the fuck off! Get out!” Naruto feebly pushed at Sasuke’s shoulders, half-heartedly trying to pull away. Sasuke was still pushing in, ignoring him. Despite the ripping pain that was close to sending his mind teetering over the edge of a cliff, he was still curious. Sasuke was right. He hadn’t lied to him yet. Naruto couldn’t think of a reason as to why he would start now.

“C-careful,” Naruto hissed. His head craned backwards, face contorted in pain. “Be c-careful.”

“Stop moving,” Sasuke breathed. Even though his forehead was wrinkled with obvious pain, his obsidian eyes were heated, voice laced with pleasure. Sasuke was enjoying it. “Relax. It feel good soon.”

Naruto couldn’t tell if Sasuke was all the way in, but he was moving back, retracting himself, the movement bringing on all new sorts of pain. He moved forward again, urging himself inwards, deeper than before and at a quicker pace. It hurt--God it hurts, fuck--but the pain hadn’t grown worse. Naruto took solace in that.

When Sasuke repeated the same motion, again there was pain, but a bit less. Naruto was reminded of stepping into a hot tub. When he dipped his legs in, the heat was too much to be bearable, so he withdrew them. He sunk them back in, and it wasn’t so bad. Dipping in a bit further, he’d stand up, then slide back down. The heat was bearable. The pain was bearable. Sasuke dipped in further, kissing the side of Naruto’s thigh with lips and tongue and teeth.

Sasuke did it again, the third time, still deep. On the fourth try, the Japanese boy finally moaned, eyebrows furrowing. Instead of drawing back, though, he jerked his hips sharply. “Uhn!” Naruto grunted, still panting for breath. Sasuke thrusts grew sharper, sliding in further, and Naruto’s eyes felt like they’d roll into the back of his head, that he’d pass out.

Sasuke finally stopped, panting, muttering quickly in Japanese, having pushed himself in as far as possible. He kissed Naruto’s leg slopping one more time before searching blinding for Naruto’s mouth with his own. When he found it, he wasted no time in thrusting his tongue inside. Naruto kissed back furiously, distracting himself from the pain he knew wasn’t as bad as it seemed. He shifted his lips gingerly, causing Sasuke to moan deeply into his mouth. He did it again. The pain was devastating, but was bearable.

They stayed that way for a long minute, their kiss escalating to an unorganized clutter of lips and tongue, neither knowing which mouth they were battling in. But just as soon as Sasuke initiated the kiss, he broke it off, panting heavily, eyes glazed over in pleasure.

“Mine,” Sasuke whispered, the word ghosting over Naruto’s mouth. Blue eyes widened a fraction, and then bulged as Sasuke drew back quickly, leaving him hollow and in more pain than he‘d been with him inside, before thrusting sharply back inside.

“AHH!” Naruto cut his own cry short by biting into his lower lip, face contorting in pained pleasure. The sound that wrenched itself from between his lips was embarrassingly loud, too shattering in such a quiet room. Above him Sasuke growled, the sound a gentle yet strong purr from the back of his throat. His eyes were squinted and teeth clenched, a pink hue on his face from exertion, pleasure marring every line of his face. He let out a low hiss and moved out a few inches before slowly thrusting himself back in, his moan meeting Naruto’s sharp gasp.

He repeated the motion several more times, never changing speed, always pulling out so that only the head of his erection remained inside before hilting himself completely. He was tense above Naruto, the muscles of his thighs and arms quivering with restraint. Naruto kept his own body tense, almost holding onto the pain, afraid to let it go, or feel the new sensation that was starting to settle in.

“Relax,” Sasuke repeated, not stopping his pushes and pulls, “just relax. It feel good.”

Naruto’s mind responded with a stubborn, “No!”, but his body was already acting on its own agenda. His muscles began to unclench, and with the tension left the pain until both were merely backdrops, hidden out of sight. His attention was focused on the other boy’s hardened manhood sliding in and out, hot and still too big, but it was bearable. It was more than bearable, Naruto now realized. It felt almost…

“Ku-…” Sasuke eyes flashed open. He muttered something in harsh Japanese before his hands were at Naruto’s legs, prying them apart into a wide “V” shape. His hips jerked backwards, Sasuke’s back straightened, and he plunged back inside harshly, sinking his entire length inside. The older boy’s chest hitched, and Naruto screamed in shock. His back arched from the floor and his hands balled into fists, eyes flying shut as over-whelming pleasure barreled into him like an eighteen-wheeler spinning out of control.

“Nnh…. Hn….” His breath left him in short, heady gasps that ran in sync with the raven-haired boys thrusts, his head rocking and lightly tapping against the wooden paneling behind him each time. His mind was too lost to properly focus on what was now the mind-numbingly amazing feeling of Sasuke’s pushes into his body, of being filled and just now realizing he’d been empty his entire life.

He was right, Naruto thought hazily, body racked with exertion. He arched his body, trying to take him in deeper. It feels good.

Naruto shifted his head to the side, breathing heavily through his nose, clenching his eyes tight shut. His lungs were burning, and the heat from Sasuke’s breath was making it difficult. His mouth searched for cooler, fresher air. A smooth hand that swayed slightly cupped his cheek, and a right eye peered open with wavering vision to see pale fingers, trembling slightly.

“Look at me,” Sasuke pleaded with bated breath. “Naruto, look at me.”

Naruto did, his eyes lingering on a pale neck that bobbed as Sasuke swallowed, the Adam’s Apple barely there. His blue eyes traced over pale lips which had become even paler and fuller as they were bitten into. Flushed, hollowed cheeks. Dark bags under eyes that looked more like shadow than signs of sleep deprivation. Onyx eyes, blazing bright with a fiery passion, wide and glittering like two giant diamonds. Black bangs were plastered into a knotty mat on his forehead and the spikes at the back of his head were limp, brushing around his shoulders. His body was drenched with sweat and it beaded across his face, tricking perspiration between his slightly parted lips.

“Say my name,” Sasuke gasped, slowing his hips and pounding into him with a long, steady rhythm, hands reaching down to trap his waist in a tight grasp with fingers digging in hard enough to bruise.

“W--ahh!-hy?” the blond gritted, wincing but not letting his eyes break contact with the older boy’s. His body moved against the carpet and he knew his back would be black and blue the next morning, but then again, so would the rest of him. The next morning. It was a foreign concept, to think of something outside the hear and now when the hear and now was so inescapable. Would Sasuke really be gone by tomorrow morning? Would Naruto be willing to ever let him go? Would he be willing to let Naruto lock them in this room forever, just so that neither of them would ever have to face the outside world again? Naruto had admitted, inadvertently, that he loved him. Was that enough? Would it change anything?

“P-please, just say it,” Sasuke said absent-mindedly, picking up the pace slightly, causing Naruto to groan and clench his thighs around the Uchiha’s waist.

“N-n-nhh… Sa--”

“That’s it,” Sasuke encouraged. “Say it, please, say it… Say it for me…”

“Sa--”

“Say it for me.”

“Sa---ahh! Sasukeee…” His eyes narrowed as Sasuke resumed a quicker pace, pushing himself more tightly, grinding down and leaning forward. With one hand he propped himself up, with the other he lightly teased the leaking head of Naruto’s erection.

“Say it louder,” Sasuke commanded, touching but not quite pressing down, pulling his hand back when Naruto thrust up and merely causing Sasuke to slide in deeper.

“S-s-Sasuke…”

“Louder, Naruto. Say it louder.”

“Sasuke!”

“Louder.”

“Don’t leave.”

Sasuke bent over him, dark eyes still glaze with pleasure, looking unsure of what Naruto had just said. “Don’t leave me,” Naruto murmured, watching Sasuke through slanted eyes, gaze wavering as his eyes began to sting. “Don’t. Stay. Sasuke!”

The raven groaned and turned his face away, biting into his shoulder as a means of distraction, pounding hungrily, lustily murmuring Naruto’s name against his skin as Naruto cried out his. Eventually, the word “Mine” began to slip into the mantra, and then the raven was chanting that.

“Mine,” he growled. “All mine. Say it.”

Naruto shook his head once, grunting when Sasuke’s erection dug into his prostate again. “Say you won’t leave.”

“I can’t,“ Sasuke hissed. “Tell me you are mine,” Sasuke ordered instead. “All mine. No one else’s. Say it. Tell me it. Tell me you are mine.”

“N-no…” Why wouldn‘t he agree? Naruto wondered. He’d given Sasuke more in the matter of a few hours than he’d ever given to anyone in his entire life, and he couldn’t extract from the other one simple promise. Why? Why? Just one promise in turn for all the ones Naruto had kept for him. Stay, stay, staystaystay.

Sasuke was back to begging now, no longer forceful, the tone of his voice a perfect match to Naruto‘s broken pleading. “Say that you are mine,” he begged, like it would be the only thing that could save his life. Perhaps it was. “Please!”

“I can’t,” his voice raspy, “I won’t. Not until you p-promise me.” He spoke in fragments, coherency a thing of the past, the tightening in his stomach the only thing he knew. So close, just a bit longer, then, it would all be over. He dreaded it worse than he did dying. “Promise me. Please!”

“Please,” Sasuke tried again, ignoring Naruto‘s request. “Say you’re mine. You are. Say you’re mine, no one else’s, only mine.”

“I’ll be alone,” Naruto whispered. “You c-can’t… don’t leave! Don’t! L-l-listen t-t--ahhhh!’

“You are,” Sasuke repeated, lost in his own train of thought. “You have to be. I have nothing else--I must be allowed to have this. Just this, just you. Say you’re mine.”

“N-no… Nngh, Sasuke…”

“Naruto,” Sasuke returned in kind. “Just say it, that all I need. Tell me you’re mine.”

“Tell me you’ll stay….”

Growling, Sasuke drew back and forced Naruto’s legs forward, knees going to the blond’s ears. Naruto yelped at the suddenly uncomfortable position, and groaned as Sasuke began to slide in deeper, scrotum tapping at his butt cheeks with every thrust.

“Nothing is mine,” Sasuke whispered brokenly, and with a start, Naruto realized that he was crying. Twin tracks of tears cut through the beaded sweat coating his face and his nose was bunched along with his mouth, face brightening as he tried to withhold sobs. “Nothing is mine. Not even this.”

Naruto didn’t think he could go faster, but he did, and now the pain was returning. It added a sharp edge to the pleasure, and his cock pulsed as it was crushed between his stomach and the flat, hard one above him.

“Not even you,” Sasuke whispered. “Please… Naruto, please… belong to me. Just me. Let me have you, all of you…”

“Sasuke,” Naruto cried, back arching, his hips driving upwards and slamming himself onto the raven.

“Naruto,” Sasuke whispered before moaning, eyes finally shutting.

The blond arched himself up once more, so close. One more push, a second one, a third, and the fourth one on the count brought him to his climax. But he didn’t want it. He wanted this to go on, to never end, because then, Sasuke would leave, and Naruto would be miserable. Worse than miserable, he’d be alone. Sasuke had spent the afternoon, the whole year, building him up, and now he was crushing him one broken promise at a time. Nevertheless, it came. Naruto cried out wordlessly, tacking on a garbled version of the older boy’s name towards the end, waves of dizzying pleasure overriding his senses.

He’d been told orgasm was white. The world would suddenly be filled with light, pleasurably blinding, and causing dots to swim across your vision. That wasn’t what he saw. What he saw was just as before, but in a different color. Everything was a different shade of purple, and like a malignant tumor it crept across his mind. The color of a dark beauty, he thought, something so breath-taxingly gorgeous, and one shade lighter than black. The color of violets, the color of bruises. It consumed him as he rode out the pleasure, the tightening in his stomach releasing itself. Everything was drowned in thick purple fog. He could smell it, like sweet grapes, feel it, clawing into his skin. Too dark to see anything, and the color grew darker and darker, dragging away his consciousness.

Something suddenly stilled above him, and then a weight was pressing him into the ground once more. Heavy panting washed over his sweaty skin. The color consumed him still, and he wondered what it was that Sasuke saw.

“I‘m sorry,” the raven whispered into his neck. There was shifting, but Naruto couldn’t make out more than a blurred outline as the weight was lifted from his chest. “You give so much… and I can’t give it in return. I’m sorry.”

Naruto was slipping away. He barely knew what it was that Sasuke was saying, only registering the fact that the one thing he’d ever truly wanted was being denied from him. His whole life was defined now, in one moment. Like a storm, ripping him to shreds. His heart was the aftermath, bleeding, sure to be reconstructed, but never anywhere near the same.

And in those last few moments, the last before he knew he’d never see Sasuke again, he heard him whisper, “I love you.”

A glint of something shiny caught his attention, but only for a split second. The sun had set, he realized. The sky was black, and so were Sasuke’s eyes, gleaming like stars, twin trails of tears sparkling like diamonds as they slid down skin towards eternity.

--

When Naruto woke up, Sasuke wasn’t there.

He lay there for a few long moments, studying the apartment in the darkness. He expected it to look different at night, but it didn’t. It was like seeing an apple in the day and an apple in the dark. He still knew it was red, knew that it would taste the same, even though appearance told him otherwise.

He drew himself up slowly, and let reality settle in. Sasuke could have been in the bathroom, or changing in his bedroom, but Naruto knew that he wasn’t. The world was quiet and still, and he, Naruto, was alone.

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

Naruto wondered what it would be like to get shot in the heart. He doubted that it could come close to rivaling betrayal.

Naruto’s skin felt stiff, like he’d been sunburned. When he loved his legs, he felt them stick to the carpet. He gently shifted onto his knees, stayed that way for a few moments and clenched his eyes shut tightly, riding the pain out. It hurt to move. After a minute, he stood slowly. He shifted his hips, felt the pain, and decided it was bearable. He took another minute to decide if he wanted to wash off, to at least clean off his face. He decided not to. His clothes were by his feet. It took another minute to gather them, wincing as he bent to pick them up. There was a near-constant burning sensation behind his eyes, a rancid lump pitted deeply in his throat. He was going to cry, and he wanted to. But he couldn’t. There was nothing there.

When he was dressed, he looked around. On the floor was a half-empty bottle of extra virgin olive oil. There was a quilt on the floor, and he realized that Sasuke had covered him before the blanket had fallen off. The curtains were drawn so that only a thin line of black sky could be seen between the gaps. Nothing else had changed.

Naruto saw that his bag was where he had left it. The papers from Sasuke’s homework were still scattered across the living room floor. It seemed centuries ago. Those papers, that bag, shouldn’t be here. This was a place where nothing from the outside world should be allowed in. Naruto, however, couldn’t let himself move them. To throw them in the trash can, to throw them out the window. He didn’t even want to even look at them. It seemed sacrilegious.

He wanted to look around. To maybe fine a hint as to where Sasuke had gone, or where he was leaving for tomorrow. He wanted to know what it was like, where Sasuke lived. But that too seemed sacrilegious.

So Naruto limped to the door, opened it, debated locking it. Sasuke seemed the type not to forget things like keys. He locked it, aware that this would mean he couldn’t reenter.

He shut the door firmly behind him. The loneliness increased tenfold. Everything had turned upside down. Suddenly, a monster was glaring at him from down the hallway. Its hackles were raised. The darkness was closing in. The light bulbs on the ceiling glared crookedly down at him. He had to get back inside, where it was safe. Even if Sasuke never returned for him, even if he was alone in that apartment for the rest of his goddamned life, he would be happy. He would lie on that same patch of carpet every night for the rest of his life. He would sit himself in that red light for every sunset there ever was for the rest of his life. The rest of his life. It was a choice between loneliness, and an unbearably barren life. He chose the former.

The monster from the darkness crept closer. Naruto spun around, yanked on the doorknob, and remembered then that he had locked it. He began to pound on it, knowing that no one would answer. He screamed, knowing no one would answer. No one was home.

“Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke! SASUKE!”

Poundpoundpound

His heart beat uncontrollably.

Poundpoundpound

His hands were going numb.

“SASUKE! SASUKE!”

“What is going on here!?”

Naruto recognized that voice. He turned, and found that in place of the monster, there was the doorman from before. He looked angry and pompous, just like he had before. It was like waking up from a long nap in the middle of the day. It felt like Naruto was both in the same place he’d been hours earlier, and like he was ten years in the future.

And his eyes. Those narrow, shrew eyes, like livid mirrors, reflecting back to Naruto the true monster in the hallway. He saw his own angry, haggard, aged face, so old in a boy so young.

“Is something the matter?” the doorman asked in his nasally, cruel voice. Naruto couldn’t be angry. He was an old man who had nothing accomplished in his life but becoming a doorman at a ritzy apartment complex. He had every right to be bitter.

And Naruto had every right to feel dead.

“Hey,” the old man said as Naruto brushed by him. “Wait a--”

Naruto knew that he didn’t care enough to press any further. He couldn’t hear any footsteps following after him. He was alone when he got to the elevator, and he didn’t turn to look at the monster reflected in the man’s eyes. He waited until he heard the doors slide shut with a mechanical hiss behind him before turning. He folded his aching hands into his pockets and envisioned himself home. Home, with its barren walls, comforting amber glow, wide expanse of solid carpet, the smell of smoke that was only good because he knew that there would be no fire following it.

He left the apartment building without any further human contact. There was no one in the lobby, nor the office. Naruto wondered how late it really was. He wondered how many people he’d woken up with his screaming.

He wondered how many had heard, but simply hadn’t the guts to do a thing about it.

The outside world was just as quiet as it was inside the apartment building. Naruto walked in silence for a long while, thoughts blank, and ignoring the temporary insanity that drove away any and all thinking processes. Naruto didn’t need to think. Thinking would tear the rest of him apart. What was left, he had to keep. He had to at least keep it for Iruka’s sake.

Until he heard voices.

“Hey… Hey, Uzumaki! Is that you, Uzumaki!?”

It was sickeningly comforting to feel the fear in his stomach at those words. Naruto recognized him, of course, even if it had never been that close. They were somewhere behind him, and Naruto knew that to get out of this with the most minimal amount of damage possible, he’d have to show a backbone, turn, and face them. But unfortunately, Sasuke hadn’t broken him quite far enough. He could compare the feeling to a scraped knee behind the ripped knee of a brand new pair of jeans. Expensive jeans, completely ruined, with only a scrape to show for it, one that didn’t even bleed, only stung for a few hours and didn’t so much as bruise. If something was to be ruined, there should be a suitable amount of damage to show for it.

So Naruto kept on walking.

“Hey! Ha ha, shut up, just a sec. Hey, Uzumaki! Where ya runnin’ off to, ya crazy faggot?”

A heavy arm encircled Naruto’s sagging shoulders, and the nauseating smell of cigarette smoke and stale beer filled his senses. Shadows swiveled into his line of vision. He wondered if they could smell him over their own nauseating stench.

“How’re you doin’, fag?” Kisame asked in his gravely voice, squeezing Naruto’s shoulder and shaking it like he would a friend, although he probably wouldn’t grip a friend’s shoulder hard enough to bruise like he was doing now. “Haven’t seen you around lately. What’s up with that, huh?” Naruto heard laughter in the background. Combining that with the numbers of footfalls he heard, Naruto guessed that he had three of his cronies with him. Maybe four. He didn’t bother to turn around to check.

“Hey, hey, lost your voice, buddy?” Kisame was laughing, his loping gate even more so due to the alcohol he’d no doubted been guzzling before he’d run into Naruto. The other boy was tall, taller than Sasuke, and probably older, too. Naruto knew he’d been held back a few grades, just as he knew he didn’t have parents who gave enough of a damn to kick him back into gear. He had to have picked up that drinking habit from somewhere. And for that reason, Naruto couldn’t hate him.

“The fuck is wrong with your voice, you little shit?” Kisame asked jovially. With a grungy finger, he forcefully dug it at Naruto’s ear, causing the blond’s head to rock on his neck. The laughter grew louder. Naruto knew this street, and knew that before they crossed the next street, there was an abandoned store at the corner. Behind it was a dark alleyway the store managers always threw their trash in, although it was abandoned and dark now from years without use. Naruto had never seen inside of it before, but knew now that he’d see it soon enough.

Kisame and his gang had picked up their pace, and the tall student was practically dragging Naruto now as he gabbed into his ear. “Where were you this late, eh, Uzumaki? At your boyfriend’s house? That little Japanese fag? I heard he lives in that prissy building over there. You came from there, right?”

They were getting closer, and Naruto almost tripped over his own two feet. He was laughed at, and wondered why he couldn’t (wouldn’t) fight.

“You look like shit, buddy. He give it to you bad, huh? Do your good buddies have to go and wring his little faggot neck?” Kisame sneered. “Or is that how you like it? Fucking figured. I never understand you homos, ya know that? Hey, hey, you listening pal?”

They were at the alleyway now. Kisame took one great, overly dramatized step forward, paused, and in that short moment Naruto wondered if he should act surprised, if only for their pathetic sakes, before he was shoved into the alleyway. His back, already aching from bruises and rug burns, flared with fresh pain. Naruto grunted, wincing.

“What’s wrong, you fucking monster? I thought you liked it like this?’ More laughter, so dark and haunting, ugly. Naruto felt filthy in its presence. “Hey, hey, I’ll make you a deal, huh? How ‘bout that? Since the Jap ditched you for a guy with a bigger dick, why don’t I make you a deal? I’ll give you a nice punch in your fucking face and you can get on your knees and suck my dick. How ‘bout that, fag face? Like th-that?” He could hardly peak coherently over the haze of alcohol, over his own egotistical amusement--he thinks he’s so damned funny--over his own self-loathing.

“Hey, hey!”

Hey, hey

“I love you.”

Hey, hey

A fist garnished with several thick and clunky rings slugged him across his cheek. The side of his head slammed into the side of the building. He saw stars, bright in the darkness of the alley, illuminating their faces like the beam of a flashlight over a freshly undug grave. Slurred and grimy faces, leering, tears of hate streaming down their cheeks and their faces, making them hideous.

“Hey, you little bitch, get the fuck on your knees. Hey, hey! You little faggot monster, get down!”

A punch to the gut, Naruto doubled over, gasping. Heavy fingers had threaded into his hair. He’d never be able to wash away the filth they left there. Down, down, pulling him down, the hand tried but couldn’t. His legs stood resolutely firm. The last man that had brought him to his knees, Naruto thought distantly, would be the only man to bring him to his knees. Because that had ruined him, once and for all. Ruined him for women, ruined him for men, too. Ruined any friendships he’d ever make. Ruined the trust he thought he had in Iruka, the one person in the world who loved him. Ruined everything.

Naruto realized then, a moment too late, just how broken he was. Why ask for more?

So when Kisame prepared to shove him to the side, to the dark ground Naruto knew he’d never be able to stand up from again, his fist flew out and Kisame’s head snapped back like lightning.

His cronies stopped laughing. Naruto shakily stood his ground, stood up at every unimpressive inch of his diminutive height. They were taller than him, bigger, bulky with muscle, pumped full of alcohol-fueled rage. Naruto didn’t stand a chance. But he could still stand. That counted for something. It had to!

“Grab his arms!”

No, no, I was wrong, I’m broken enough

It was useless. There were far too many of them for Naruto to handle alone. He didn’t get a single hit in, although not for lack of trying. All too soon, his arms were captured behind his back, and he was straddling a world that wouldn’t stop trying to buck him off. Everything was shaking, everything and everyone was weak, but he was weaker, disgusting, pathetic, run, moron, be strong enough for that.

But he wasn’t.

“Mother-fucking monster,” Kisame spat, swiping the blood away from his cheeks. It crusted along the three long, jagged scars on the older boys neck, catching Naruto’s frantic eye. Kisame noticed, and grinned. “Like ‘em?” Kisame asked. “I did ‘em myself.”

Kisame’s hand disappeared behind him and then reappeared, a black rectangle in his hand, the size of a lighter. But when Kisame flicked the catch, a blade popped up instead of a bubble of flame. “You like this, too?”

Naruto couldn’t trust his voice. Afraid of what it would sound like. He jerked his head to the side, but hands were in his hair once again and forcing his face forward, naked in the darkness.

Kisame grinned. His teeth were as rotted as the rest of him. He twiddled the blade, the shiny metal dirty, grimy, spotted with flecks of rust. It caught no light.

“You’re a fucking monster.”

“I love you.”

Makes sense, I guess.

Only another monster could ever love a monster.

“Now you can look the part.” Naruto didn’t trust himself to talk, or even scream, afraid he would sound like a rabid animal instead of a human. So he settled for gritting his teeth, eyes bubbling with pain, hair jerked as his head was held steady, body shaking as Kisame began to cut into his face.

--

Naruto didn’t come to the realization that he was awake until he was a block away from his house. He paused at the street corner. He saw blue and red flashing lights. He kept walking, arms hanging loosely by his sides. He limped heavily and stepped slowly, each inch he gained paying him back with gratuitous amounts of pain. His skin was itchy with drying liquids; blood, sweat, semen and oil. He didn’t want to know what he smelled like. Probably road kill.

His clothes clung to him, too small. He’d grown so much in one afternoon, and now he felt the world could not contain him. Or that he could not contain it, and it felt like the whole weight of the world was trying to cram itself onto his back. There was a broken nature in his gate. His blond hair smelled of rust and musk. Fingerprints left in black and blue marred his skin. He felt like a decrepit and beaten shoe box without the shoes. There was nothing left inside. There’d be nothing left in the morning. There’d be nothing left when he walked into school. When people talked to him, he wouldn’t be able to understand. English didn’t make sense to him anymore. He’d be empty next week, and the week after. He’d be empty in high school, and college, and the loneliness, the anger, the betrayal threatened to swallow him whole.

He could feel their rancid breath.

He could hear the whispered ‘I love you’.

He could feel their fingers around his throat.

Naruto didn’t remember how he’d gotten out of that alley. He didn’t recall picking himself up and off the ground without losing any piece of himself with the trash cans and the broken beer bottles where the gang had abandoned him. Naruto couldn’t blame those boys for leaving him there. They hated themselves more than they could ever hate Naruto, or anyone like him. Instead, he hated someone else. Someone who gave him the sweetest words, and threw him out into the streets. He left him alone. He left him alone in school, and at home, in his town, his city, this country, this world. Alone.

You let me go?

Naruto heard voices now, and in them, Iruka’s was the loudest. Strong arms, but not as strong as his had been, wrapped around his lanky figure, and spikes of pain shot through him.

“Naruto, oh God, Naruto.” He heard sobbing, but at least it wasn’t him this time. Swarms of men in blue shirts surrounded him, but his vision had suddenly been filled with warm brown eyes.

“Oh God, Naruto.” A hand brushed his face, which Naruto just realized was burning. “Your face… what happened to your face!?”

His face? Nothing had happened to his face. Don’t let him see it. It was the rest of him that Iruka should have been paying attention to. It’ll be the first thing that anyone ever sees. But as if run by unseen forces, his head slowly revolved to the left, towards the windows that ran alone the bottom floor of the apartment. The white blinds had been drawn, and orange light emitted from the lamp post behind him allowed him to see. From the bottoms of his eyes down to his neck, everything was caked in blood. It looked like a mask that only covered the bottom half of his face. So much blood should not be normal, he thought. It couldn’t be.

And in that buddle of blood were six distinct tracks, so dark they might as well have been black. Three on each cheek, diagonal slits, like whisker marks.

“Now you can look the part.”

Where did he get those marks? Those marks on the streets, those marks in the dark, that made him a monster.

“I love you.”

“Look the part.”

What makes a monster? The things they do on their own? The things done to them?

“You fucking monster.”

Were they right? It wasn’t their fault if it was.

I don’t feel human anymore.

“I love you.”

No.

“I love you.“

No.

Liar. Liar.

Liarliarliar.

“Look the part.”

“I love you.”

Liar.

--

The sky was dark and heavy with night now. They’d heard the last door shut around an hour ago. The digital clock on Naruto’s bedside table told them it was two in the morning, but neither felt tired. Exhausted, yes, but not tired. The bed was slightly cramped with the two practically laying on each other. Sasuke promised that they could move the beds together the next day. Tonight, he was too lazy to move. Content to stay just where he was.

“Naruto,” Sasuke muttered, eyes hidden in the darkness. Naruto felt his body shift beside him, causing the blanket to slip down his shoulder.

Grumbling, pulling the blanket back up and over him, he asked, “Yeah?”

“Why did you do this?”

Naruto rolled his eyes. He was too complacent to brew up a proper argument, so he went along. “Because I wanted to.”

Sasuke frowned. Naruto could feel it against his forehead. “You didn’t do this for me, right?” he pressed. “Because you felt guilty?”

Naruto snorted softly. “Now who’s the idiot?” he asked. “I’ve always done what I wanted, moron. And unfortunately, that still hasn’t changed.”

Everything, everything, everything on a whim, on a promise made years and years ago, between two people unfit for humanity, what a beautiful disaster this is

Naruto leaned in and kissed him.

Like fire

I love you

Sasuke hummed softly against his lips, pressing Naruto’s head into the pillow with the pressure. They kissed slowly for a long few minutes, no tongue, just soft, wet velvety lips, languidly memorizing the shape of each other’s mouths, getting used to the fact that this would now be a constant craving. To feel the other’s presence. To know that they existed. To hold onto, to kiss.

“I love you.” Sasuke didn’t say it, just mouthed it softly against Naruto’s lips. “Love you.”

This is ridiculous. It’s like were drunk. The hangover’s going to be fantastic. I’ll live with the migraine for the rest of my life if I have to, don’t take this away, never again, never take t away from me.

Don’t leave me.

“I won’t leave,” Sasuke whispered when they drew apart from the night. He held Naruto tighter, looked him in the eye. Naruto wished he could wash away the lingering look being Sasuke’s eyes, the one he still couldn’t identify, but still, for now, it was fine. He’d try again later.

“I know. Go to sleep.”

The pillow was soft. The love was real, as was the look in his eyes, the one Naruto would never see again. Because he didn’t want to see it. Not again.

Naruto softly kissed Sasuke’s naked shoulder.

All on a whim.

I love you.