Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!

I don’t own Naruto – the splendid Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto and Sasuke (and everyone else from this fandom).

Dedicated to the wonderful michelerene/lexjamandme, beta’d by the extraordinary Master of the Rebels.

Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!

Chapter 5: Baby Woes

"He really does look like you," Sai said, a tilt to his head as he examined the baby. Naruto ignored Sai as he scratched his head, listening to Sakura's further instruction.

"You need to make sure his head is higher than the fold of the blanket, lined up with his shoulder. It will keep his face out of the folds when you wrap him, and it gives support to his head. He will not be able to support his head until he is about two months old. Okay, now gently put his hand against his chest, like this, and then pull that same side of the blanket across, like so."

Naruto followed Sakura's instructions as told.

"Now, you need to roll him over slightly so you can wrap that corner underneath him to get a nice, secure fix on him. No, no, not like that. Make sure it's tucked under his bottom, not his back."

"Like, like this?" Naruto asked, almost in a sweat.

Sai blinked, watching the two with confusion, not at all following what Sakura was trying to explain to Naruto. He hoped Naruto was doing it right, whatever it was that he was doing.

"Yes, perfect. Now, take the bottom part and pull it up close to his chest and tuck the excess part underneath that part, like this, over his other hand."

Sai tilted his head to the other side to see if that angle would make more sense, but he was still at a loss as to what the two of them were trying to accomplish.

"Take the last corner and fold it down so that it makes a "V" at his chest. Then use the rest of the cloth to cross over his body, bring it around across his shoulder, and then tuck the rest in that little fold there," Sakura finished her instructions kindly.

"That is the stupidest looking diaper I have ever seen. It looks more like a straight jacket," Sai observed tactlessly.

"It's not a diaper, you idiot!" Naruto snapped.

"This is called swaddling. Wrapping a baby like this makes it feel more secure," Sakura said matter-of-factly.

"The exact instructions weren't in the baby manual," Naruto noted. "Diaper instructions were. I've already changed him four times," Naruto said proudly.

"Technically he changed him four times but has used a total of six diapers because two of the times he had to redo the whole thing," Sakura added. Naruto muttered something darkly but didn't deny it.

Sai merely looked bemused.

"Really, overall you are doing well with taking care of him, Naruto," Sakura said proudly. Naruto smiled at her gratefully.

"Are you going to keep referring to him as 'him?' Doesn't he have a name?" Sai asked. "You know, something like Naruto junior? Or Sasuke junior?"

Naruto spluttered an unconvincing denial.

"Naruto, it's rather obvious, even if it's bizarre," Sakura said lightly, not quite looking at Naruto. Naruto threw his hands in the air.

"How come you didn't believe me when I said I was pregnant, but you're accepting that Sasuke could have given birth?" Naruto demanded.

"Because you weren't pregnant, and he's living proof of what happened," Sakura said as she stroked the baby's head affectionately.

"You sound almost like Tsunade," Naruto grumbled as he held his son gently, cushioned and cradled securely in his swaddle cloth.

"His name?" Sai prompted.

"What about Chihiro, good fortune?" Sakura said.

"Fortunate to be alive, that’s for sure," Sai mused.

"Chikao – clever and wise," Naruto mused.

"But if he's Naruto's child, he's not always wise..."

"Hey!"

"Keitaro, blessed," Sakura suggested.

"He'd get beat up for that name."

"Well, what about Makoto: good."

"Really beaten up."

"Sounds like Sasuke's Mom's name, Mikoto..." Naruto added, bemused.

"Mamoru – to protect."

"I knew this guy involved with a rough group of sailors named Mamoru. I don't think I want him named after that guy."

"What about Naoko? Straight and honest?"

"Well, his origins came about more curved than straight, considering his parentage..."

"Shut up, Sai!"

"Er, Raiden?"

"Like the thunder god?"

"He will surely cause a lot of noise around here, I can tell you that. Maybe better not to encourage him before he's even old enough to know better."

"Osamu? Discipline? Studious?"

"Sounds too political for some reason..."

"Taro – first son."

"More like only son from these fathers."

"Torao. Tiger?"

"Wrong year for it."

"Yasahiro – peaceful, calm and wise."

"Yeah, right. No for the same reason Chikao should be discarded."

"What about Yoshi? Always calling him quiet and tranquil might wear off on his personality."

"I don't want him to be all angst-ridden, brooding, and quiet like Sasuke."

"True..."

"Ichigo?"

"First son was already ruled out, and now you want to add insult to injury by calling him a name that also means strawberry?"

"Fine, fine."

"Haruka? If we're going for names that mean tranquil, that's a nice one."

"I also know a girl by that name. My son is a man."

"Yeah, but you like boys, so maybe it will attract the other guys."

"Shut UP, Sai."

"Isoroku?"

"I never got that name. Why name a child fifty-six? That must have been for an Emperor with too many concubines that ran out of names at child number fifty-six."

"Eiichi? Prosperous one?"

"Sounds too much like Ecchi. Naruto might be a pervert, but I hope this little one won't be."

"Wishful thinking Sakura."

"Not if I have anything to say about it," she said, flexing her fist threateningly.

"Ah, right. Not Eiichi."

"Ringo?"

"I don't like apples."

"Kinda makes me think of drumming for some reason too."

"I always wondered about Sasuke's name. It's rather unusual. Sa and suke. Help and help. Maybe he needs double the help of everyone else?"

"Really?" Sai mused. "Made me think of Sasu – uke." Sakura's punch to his face quieted further comment.

"What about Kamenosuke?" Sai mumbled, looking at Sakura warily.

"Are you calling Sasuke a turtle?" Naruto demanded.

"Well, just because it means turtle helper..."

"Sai, just drop it now," Sakura snipped out, flexing her fist again.

"Yuudai. A great hero!" Naruto said excitedly.

"Reminds me of you dying for some reason..."

"What about...Masashi?" Naruto said, slowly.

"Elegant? Splendid?" Sai piped out.

"I like it," Sakura said, her face brightening.

"Masashi it is then," Naruto said fondly.

He held Masashi securely in his arms, rocking him back and forth gently. Naruto smiled down at his son, grateful to have a name to call him by.

Somehow, naming him had made the entire situation more real and more important to Naruto.

"What are you going to do when people ask who the mother is?" Sai asked slowly. Naruto glanced at him and saw Sai holding a small book off to the side titled "Parenthood: The Joy of Life." Sai had asked to borrow the baby manual, but Naruto refused on the principal that he really, really needed it still.

"Uh, isn't there a chapter in there about it?" Naruto asked hopefully. Sai thumbed through the pages.

"No. This is about after the baby is born. There was a book called 'What to Expect When You're Expecting,' but I didn't get that one since you’re not pregnant. That book might have an idea on how to tell the father, but nothing about what to do if the mother drops the baby on your doorstep. And I'm pretty sure there's nothing about how to tell your friends your baby's mother has a penis. Unless of course, Sasuke has a vagina?" Sai asked.

Naruto blushed crimson.

"No, he definitely has one. And – and you shouldn't talk about such things in front of my baby!" Naruto said, whisper-yelling as he protectively held Masashi closer.

"He's a baby. He can't understand it," Sai reasoned. He looked like he was going to argue the point further when he noticed how Naruto shifted his eyes to look at Sakura, and Sai understood; Naruto did realize that, but he was trying to lessen whatever hurt this may be causing Sakura.

It was no secret she had had a crush on Sasuke for years.

It was also no secret she had been falling in love with Naruto for a while now.

"Sakura, about Sasuke and me..." Naruto started, as Sai looked away awkwardly.

Sakura placed her hand gently on Naruto's, looking at him kindly. Even so, her eyes seemed to be tearing up as she spoke.

"I've wondered for a while now about you two. I mean, it just kind of makes sense. And I'm really, really happy for you. If it's not me, I'm glad it's you," Sakura said, honestly.

"It's, I mean, I don't even know what, just the one time-"

"Naruto, it's okay," Sakura said, and she gave him a half-armed hug.

Masashi let out a little cooing noise.

"And you're probably getting hungry! Let's grab you another bottle," Sakura said cheerfully, all but snatching Masashi from Naruto's arms.

Naruto watched as Sakura maneuvered Masashi around the kitchen, expertly looking through the hordes of supplies to get what she needed.

"You know, I think she really is happy for you," Sai noted thoughtfully. Naruto turned to look at him, looking a little helpless.

"Yeah, but..." Naruto started, trailing off. He didn't need to finish; Sai understood. Naruto still felt slightly guilty.

Sai smiled at him genuinely.

"You should tell her how you and Sasuke made the baby." Sakura dropped something in the kitchen as a look of mortification came over Naruto's features. "I'm sure those details would make her extremely happy!"

"Wha-what?!" Naruto spluttered.

"After all, it's no longer a secret that Sakura is a boy on boy fangirl pervert."

"I HEARD THAT, SAI!"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

One and a half months previous...

Suigetsu, Juugo, and Karin looked in front of them, noticing how Sasuke seemed to be trying to keep up the pace rather than pushing them farther and harder as he used to.

They had completed a freelance mission at one village and were on their way to the next, small village, noting as the path got higher and higher how Sasuke seemed to be slowing down slightly.

"Maybe we should stop doing freelance missions for a while," Juugo said thoughtfully. Sasuke glared at him.

Juugo, Suigetsu, and Karin had been suggesting something like that for weeks now, and each time it was clearly obvious that it was for Sasuke's benefit.

So far he hadn't been swayed.

Over the past four and a half months since Sasuke had seen the doctor and found out for sure that yes, he was in fact a pregnant man: the strange and obvious signs of the pregnancy had become evident. Sasuke kept up a constant genjutsu. At first, it was to hide that he was pregnant, looking like his usual self except with a flatter stomach.

Now he held a modified genjutsu to make his body look larger, more gruff, to hide the bulge of his pregnant stomach. It made him look like a fat, though strong, man.

Suigetsu stated that Sasuke should have done it sooner. He looked less attractive as a slightly fat man, and Karin seemed to fangirl over him less.

Karin claimed she would love/care for Sasuke no matter what he looked like.

Juugo wisely stayed out of the discussion.

"Fine," Sasuke snapped irritably, "if only to quit hearing you all complain."

"I still think Orochimaru made Sasuke pregnant to torment the rest of us with his mood swings," Suigetsu grumbled, but immediately wished he hadn't spoken.

Sasuke's hand clutched around his throat, cutting off his ability to speak.

"Your comments are not appreciated," Sasuke's low voice growled out before giving an extra hard squeeze to Suigetsu’s throat and letting him collapse to the ground.

Sasuke walked away along the path, leaving Karin, Suigetsu, and Juugo to look after him. They would catch up easily, and no one wanted to be around him at the moment.

"Really, Sui, this isn't funny," Juugo said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"He just grabbed my throat and tried to squeeze the life out of me! And no one asks if I'm okay?" he asked slightly pained.

"One, you really should be keeping your comments to yourself; two, you're still talking, so clearly your windpipes are still unfortunately working just fine; and three, pregnant or not, if Sasuke-kun had really wanted to squeeze the life out of you, he would have already," Karin pointed out.

"But I'm worried about him!" Suigetsu said defensively.

"We all are. But Sasuke has never accepted anyone's help easily, and I doubt he will start now. In fact, it's probably harder for him now because despite his cold front, he's probably scared about what's going on. Sasuke and pregnancy do not mix," Juugo said knowingly.

"Then why the hell is he keeping the little brat?" Suigetsu wondered, honestly confused.

"His family was wiped out. Do you think he would willingly destroy anything left of any family connections he can have? I mean, it seems obvious that he won't be able to sire children any other way now since his sperm doesn’t work," Juugo said thoughtfully.

"Not quite. I've done some research about Klinefelter's syndrome. There are cases where men can actually still produce sperm. Usually given the right amount of hormones, they can still become fathers," Karin said, with a slight blush.

"Still holding out to be Mrs. Uchiha Sasuke?" Juugo asked, with a smirk. Karin blushed a deeper shade of red.

"Have you told Sasuke-snookems this?"

"Do you like being choked?" Sasuke asked, coming up behind Suigetsu, making him jump. Juugo and Karin likewise stiffened at Sasuke's sudden appearance.

"N-no."

"To answer your crudely put question, no, she has not told me this, but I have done my own research. As to why I'm keeping the baby, it is mine," Sasuke said calmly. "You three need to quit your gossiping. We need to keep moving. There's a Thunder Nin group up ahead," Sasuke warned.

They all nodded. A few months ago, Sasuke would have urged them to confront the other ninja group. Obviously he was getting more concerned with how his condition affected his abilities.

By the time they had evaded the other group, Sasuke was panting heavily without having used any overly strenuous jutsu.

They made camp, everyone concerned about Sasuke. Night fell with hardly anything spoken between them, until Suigetsu decided to open his big mouth.

"Are you keeping the baby because of its father?" he asked. Sasuke's face went stony.

If there was anything that seemed to irk Sasuke more than their apparent concern over Sasuke's deteriorating skills, it was talking about the father.

"The baby's father was a fool ruled by his emotions," Sasuke snapped.

"Like you?" Suigetsu countered. Sasuke glared at him, but Suigetsu continued. "You've always been ruled by your emotions, even when you pretend to be all stoic and shit. When our group formed, you were hell bent on killing Itachi. You were emotionally destroyed. Then things developed further and you were ruled again by a different set of revenge. You are a hypocrite who hates to care about people because you say it makes you weak, but the truth is you hate to care about people because you're so fucking scared to lose them!"

Sasuke said nothing.

"Even when you're brooding and mad at us, you've never told us to leave. You don't want us to because you're scared of losing us too. You can walk away because you can control if you leave, but you can't control if we leave or not," Suigetsu said, crossing his arms.

Karin and Juugo watched the exchange with bated breath.

"I don't know how I feel about the baby's father," Sasuke murmured, surprising his three teammates by actually answering Suigetsu’s earlier question.

"Then how the hell did you two end up, you know, doing it?" Suigetsu asked.

"That," Sasuke said as he got up, walking over to his bedroll and settling down for the night, "is none of your business."

The only sound heard at the campsite was the fire’s crackling. No one made a sound the rest of the night until Juugo’s quiet snoring finally joined the crackling of the fire.

Despite the quiet, Sasuke laid awake, thinking about how Naruto had gotten him pregnant. Finally, he gave a snort of derision at his thoughts, turned over, and went to sleep, a soft smile on his lips.


Next Chapter: Baby Making


How did angst sneak its way in here? Gah. Sorry.

But, yes, up next: Sasuke and Naruto doing the horizontal tango! ~ Jelp


Swaddling information found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaOu1KAepAg and here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSYPqGtFBYQ.

Japanese boys’ names found here: http://www.issendai.com/rpgs/japanese-boys-names.shtml.