Bye Bye Beautiful

5.



Everyone was nervous about parents' day; Sasuke could feel it in the air. Even Naruto wasn't his usual cheerful self and Sasuke found himself missing those grins. It seemed to please the priests however, and for some reason that irked him. He was especially irritated by how everyone left the counseling office looking like a zombie and seeing the priest's satisfied smiles due to it. Apparently zombie to them was code for obedience; it was just as Naruto told him.



He wanted to revolt, to throw one of the many candles they had planted everywhere at them and tell them how crazy he thought they all were. But he kept his mouth shut, because Naruto had sounded so serious when warning him and the gloomy atmosphere made him understand somehow, understand that he really wouldn't like the outcome of acting out.



But what could they do? He didn't really want to find out.



So when it was his turn to go in, he put his famous mask on and sat down in the chair across from the counselor at his desk.



"Hello Mr. Uchiha, how are you today?"



"I'm fine."



"That's good to hear. Now, I have a few questions to ask of you."



Of course.



"You've been seen around Ms. Haruno lately. Am I correct?"



He shifted in his seat, wondering what the point of that was.



"Yes."



"How do you feel about that?"



"What do you mean?"



"How do you feel when you're around Ms. Haruno?"



"Okay. She's not as annoying as most girls," he answered awkwardly. He was getting the impression that this was going to turn out to be some sort of religious therapy.



"So you find most girls annoying?"



"I guess." He crossed his arms and slouched back in his chair.



"No need to get defensive," the man said, referring to his change in posture. "Do you find men annoying?"



"Most of them."



"I see." He wrote something down in what Sasuke concluded to be his file. He didn't know how he felt about them keeping a file about him but he supposed there was nothing he could do about it.



"I'm not gay because of that."



The man looked up. "And why would you come to the conclusion as to that's what I think?"



"Because it's obvious."



"Is it? Or is it because in your mind, you know that it really is the reason? Maybe you choose to be with men because they're more like you, they understand you more and therefore, in your mind, would make better partners."



"I don't choose to be attracted to men, I just am," Sasuke said defensively.



"The mind is an amazing thing Mr. Uchiha. It can make you think you're attracted to something, or someone, when it's not natural just because your mind finds it more appealing."



Tell that to the 1,500 species that are homosexual. For something so unnatural it sure has a lot of space in nature, Sasuke thought, though kept his mouth shut.



"That's not how it is."



"How would you know?"



Sasuke opened his mouth to retaliate but found he had nothing to say. He hated that. And he hated this man for making him question himself. Maybe his mind really was doing that, making him feel like he was attracted to men simply because he enjoyed their company more than women.



"I enjoy Sakura's company but I'm not attracted to her," he grumbled, looking off to the side, not wanting to talk about it anymore.



"That's because your mind is stubbornly holding on to the thought that you're homosexual."



"Hn."



"How about the other girls, what do you think of them?"



He shrugged. "I haven't really talked to any of the other girls."



"And why not?"



"I don't know."



"I see." More writing. "And have you been intimate with Ms. Haruno in any way? Have you kissed?"



He was starting to feel highly uncomfortable.



"Yes."



"How often?"



"Two . . . three times I think."



"I see. And how did that make you feel?"



"It felt . . . wrong."



The man was quiet for a minute, then said, "I see," and wrote again. Sasuke wanted to take that pen out of his hand and throw it at him, then rip his file to shreds and throw it out the window to watch the wind take it away.



"Alright, let's move on to the boys, shall we?"



"Okay."



"How do you feel about the priests? Do you find any of them . . . appealing?"



"I don't go for old men," Sasuke deadpanned. "And I'm not really fond of them."



"I see. So they annoy you and therefore you don't find them attractive?"



"I suppose," he answered exasperated.



"What about your roommate, Mr. Uzumaki, how do you feel about him?"



I like him in a very non-platonic way and want to do unspeakable things to him on a bed, against the wall, on the floor, maybe on a bear rug, the shower . . . and maybe a church just out of spite, Sasuke's mind retaliated.



"He's alright," he figured was a safe answer.



"What do you do for the few minutes you're alone? What do you talk about?"



"Maybe we don't talk at all."



"Now Mr. Uchiha, I doubt that. The priests know you at the very least whisper conversations to each other when they're not watching you. They hear the mumblings they just can't make everything out, and they figure that the whispers are better than not whispering because that would mean . . . well, you know."



Sasuke felt his cheeks heat.



Yes, he knew.



"Does he try to flirt with you?"



We both flirt.



Yes. "No."



"Do you flirt with him?"



Yes. "No."



"Are you telling me the truth?"



No. "Yes."



The man sighed. "Mr. Uchiha, I can't help you if you're not completely honest with me. I know you had to have at least been tempted to flirt with him."



"I'm not very social." That wasn't a lie; he really didn't socialize too often.



"Yes, but," the man brought out another file. Naruto's file. He almost wanted to ask if he could see it. "Naruto is social."



"So?"



"I can assure you he won't get in trouble if he has tried to flirt with you. I'm here to help you, not get you in trouble."



"Fine, yes he has flirted with me."



"Oh?"



"You won't be satisfied with any other answer so yes."



The man hummed and wrote more.



"What do you think of Naruto's appearance? Are you attracted to him?"



"He's not ugly."



"I see."



Stop saying that! You don't see anything!



"And what about the other boys?"



"I haven't talked to them. And no, I'm not lying so don't even go down this road with me."



"And their appearances?"



"They're not ugly but I'm not attracted to them."



"Interesting." More writing.



"What?"



"I find it interesting that you added not finding them attractive, but not for Uzumaki. Is there a reason for that?"



He's the one I want to sleep with. "No."



"Alright, let's move on. How do you feel about your family?"



"They abandoned me here, how do you think I feel about them?"



"They didn't abandon you. They're just trying to help you. I'm sure your parents love you as all parents love their children."



"Tell that to the kids who are abused."



"Have your parents abused you?"



"No. But there are parents who do that. What kind of parental love is that?"



The man chuckled. "That is a whole other session for a different set of issues." Sasuke hated that man's chuckle; it made him feel like the man felt too comfortable when he wasn't at all. "How do you feel about your father? Was he absent a lot during your life? And your mother, was she . . . overly affectionate, one might say, even smothering?"



Sasuke knew where this was going. He knew that it was believed men became gay due to an absent father and an overly affectionate mother.



"My parents were . . . normal religious parents. My father wasn't absent and my mother was just an average housewife."



"And what about your older brother? If I understand it, he died last year?"



Sasuke felt a lump forming in his throat already and had to look away from those prying eyes.



"That's right."



"And your mother, did she act differently around you? Perhaps she was more loving towards you afterwards, and maybe your father distanced himself? Did you get these feelings for men around that time?"



"I've always fancied men," Sasuke explained, ignoring the other questions.



"And your parents? Did they act different?"



"They . . . leaned more on me."



"Tell me about that."



Sasuke looked back to him, narrowing his eyes. "Why?"



"I'm just trying to understand you."



No, you're not, you're just looking for things to point at and blame for my sexual preference, his mind screamed. He wasn't stupid and he hated that this man was treating him like he was.



"I don't want to talk about it. I'm not very happy with my family right now and don't want to think about them," he said in a hard voice.



"Alright then, another time. What about your brother? Are you upset with him? How did you feel about your brother, was your relationship a good one?"



Sasuke stood up then.



"I'm not talking about that with you."



The man just looked up at him, looking disappointed. He hated that look. He hated having that look directed at him, it made him feel like he was a failure somehow, like he should do what they asked of him. He hated that buried desire deep inside of him and smothered it down.



"Are we done?"



The man sighed. "I suppose."



Without another word, Sasuke turned around and headed out the door.





~*~



"Sasuke, would you do us a favor?" one of the priests asked as he got close to the sitting room where the others were.



"What is it?"



"Sakura is in the church, she asked to have some time with the Lord to pray, as she does this every time this day comes around, and I would like you to fetch her, dinner will be done soon."



"Sure, I'll go get her." And so he left for the back, the priest seeing him out and then leaving him alone once he was outside. There was a short dirt road behind the home that led to a separate church. He walked down the road, noting the leaves changing color for autumn and breathed in the crisp air. He was so unbelievably grateful that summer was over. It was nearing October already and he thought back to his months there.



For the most part, it was hell on earth, but there were times that were bearable. Of course, these were moments he got to spend with Naruto. Hearing about his parents, flirting with him, being touched by him at the dinner table and sneaking a kiss from him at night. Of course, they hadn't done anything like that since that kiss, the tension in the air of the upcoming day of their parents coming kept both of their minds too occupied. But every now and then Sasuke's mind wandered to him and he wondered if Naruto's mind also wandered.



His thoughts of it all were cut short when he got to the church and saw Sakura sitting, the cross that was always dangling around her neck held tightly in her clasped hands as she mumbled her prayer. She didn't notice him when he began approaching and just kept praying, so he was able to hear bits of it.



"Please give me the strength to be the woman God wants me to be, the way I'm supposed to be," she whispered. "Please give me the strength to resist the temptation of forbidden lust."



"Sakura?"



Sakura jumped, startled, and looked back at Sasuke. Her face smoothed when she saw it was just him and she laughed softly to herself.



"Hello Sasuke. What are you doing here?" she asked good naturedly.



"I was sent to come get you. Dinner will be done soon."



"Oh, I didn't know. Thank you for telling me." But she didn't get up, she stayed seated on a random booth and looked up at the Jesus in the front on a cross.



Awkwardly, Sasuke sat down next to her.



"Sakura?"



"Hmm?"



"Do you come here a lot?"



"Yes. I keep asking for forgiveness," she chuckled, looking down, "and to be saved, but it doesn't appear that I'm worthy just yet."



"Or maybe there's just nothing to save you from?" Except for maybe this insane place.



"I really wish that was true." She shook her head. "I have to make it work this time. I will."



"Why do you care so much?" Sasuke asked softly. It was something he'd wanted to ask her for awhile. He got the feeling that she was different from the others, that she honestly believed she was ill or perhaps went through something awful. He didn't want to pry at first, but something about the way she looked, like a lost child who had been abandoned, made him want to let her know she could talk to him. He wasn't often social and didn't like dealing with other people's problems or listening to them, but it wasn't as if she could talk to anyone else there – except for Naruto maybe – and he knew how that felt, to have no one to talk to.



The look Sakura gave him made him frown. Her eyes were glassy, looking as if she was holding back tears, and he lips trembled slightly thought he could tell she was trying to make them stop.



"I just want to be loved."



Sasuke's eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?"



"My parents . . . they're good people, but they've never paid any attention to me. They never looked at me, no matter how good I was at school, even when I got straight A's all throughout the year of every year. I even tried to fail a class on purpose to get their attention but they still didn't look at me. They just made it seem like I was useless and pathetic and that felt even worse. I had friends though, and they were pretty cool to hang out with. But I always felt weird because whenever they talked about boys I wasn't as interested in it as they were. Then . . ." A blush crept onto her cheeks. "Then I met her. There was this girl named Ino, she works at a flower shop that her parents own. She's the same age as me and everything so I thought we could be friends. I went there to buy seeds for a garden. I asked my mom if I could do that and she didn't seem to care. I thought that maybe if I grew flowers and gave them out to the people I love then they would understand and smile. I love seeing the people I care about smile.



"Ino offered to help me since it was my first time planting. She was so beautiful and had such a strong aura around her that I decided I really wanted to get to know her and be friends. But then after a few weeks of planting together and hanging out, she told me that . . . that she likes me. She said all of these wonderful things about me that she liked and said she wanted to kiss me." Her blush deepened. "No one has ever . . . I didn't know what to say and I realized that I . . . I feel the same about her."



Sasuke noted how she didn't use past tense and could tell by the look in her eyes that she still liked the girl.



"So she . . . she kissed me, right there in my backyard where I was putting the garden. And my mom came home and saw us through the window." She swallowed. "She really looked at me then, but it was a look of pure disgust. It wasn't how I wanted her to look at me at all. And she said horrible things to me, she said that this was the reason she can't love me and is ashamed of me. She called me names and yelled at me in front of my friends as well, and asked them questions and then they started to avoid me and talked about me to the other students and it got around at school. Ino became my safe haven. I felt so . . . good when with her. She didn't yell at me or say mean things; she just held and kissed me. But then when I told her what we were doing was wrong, we got into a bad fight and didn't talk to each other for awhile.



"It was bad. I missed her so much during our time apart and so when she came back a week later to make up with me, I couldn't help myself. I let her lure me into her bed and we . . . and then her mom found us, told my mom, and then my mom sent me here and she told me . . . she told me that I should get better because she wouldn't have a . . . a carpet muncher as a daughter. Then I realized that what she said was true. She never looked at me because of this. So if I get better she'll love me and daddy will too – and my friends will love me again! So if it's for them . . . I can do it. Family is the most important thing in the world, and friends, and God too."



"But –"



"She told me. When I got out the first time and slipped up, I asked her if I got better if she would love me and she said she would. I shouldn't have slipped up, it was my fault. I was better, or at least I thought I was, but then Ino . . . it had been so long since I'd seen her that when she touched me I just . . . I felt . . ." she trailed off there, her eyes becoming glazed over and he knew that she wasn't there with him anymore, not mentally, she was somewhere far off in her mind.



He wondered if she was thinking of her family and friends or Ino.



It wasn't that he couldn't sympathize with the girl. Wasn't he sure he was going to try to be straight for his family? But that was before. Now he was too angry with them and too interested in Naruto that it was gone from his mind. And seeing how everyone else was acting he realized that it just really wasn't what he wanted.



Sakura was different. She didn't believe she was allowed to have what she wanted, that what she wanted was wrong.



Listening to her, he knew that she was lost and the cynical realist in his mind told him that she was so lost that there was no way she could ever be found. She would live a miserable life and it was doubtful she'd have a happy ending if she held on to these beliefs people were feeding her.



"It's wrong," she suddenly whispered, her voice trembling now. "I – I really – I really think I love her, but it's wrong. And I hate that it was her, I hate that everyone hates me for it, I hate that I miss her even now, I hate how when she touches me I feel . . . so much that I can't even describe it in just a few simple sentences and even then it wouldn't be enough, I hate that I don't feel this way for a man and yet . . . I don't hate her. I love her. But I can't. And I won't be weak enough to give into her again. I have to be strong and ignore it all, everything will be okay . . . I'll find a good man to marry and have a family and friends again . . ." she broke off there, leaning forward with her cross clasped so tightly Sasuke wondered if it would cut through her skin.



He sat there silently as Sakura's shoulders began to shake and she was sobbing against her knees. She leaned over until she was against him, seeking some form of comfort, comfort that was probably never given to her all her life. She was a victim of a form of child abuse: neglect. She was starved for attention and even more so, affection and love. She was craving some form of human contact and was willing to go to extraordinary means to get it, no matter how much it ended up hurting her.



He had never seen someone look so broken before, not like this.



Naruto had it rough, but he was strong. He was strong enough not to let himself be broken. He was strong enough not to get lost.



And himself? Sasuke wondered if he was as strong as Naruto, but knew he wasn't as weak as Sakura. Perhaps he was in the middle somewhere.



Was he lost too?



He wasn't sure anymore. After that talk with that counselor he felt confused and now he didn't know how he felt. But looking at Sakura, he knew that he didn't want to ever find himself as lost as she was and hated that man for making him feel as if he were confused. He wasn't confused. He had always been like this and his father wasn't absent and his mother didn't smother him with love and make him feminine – hell he wasn't feminine at all, never mind his appearance, he knew he looked like his mother but that wasn't something he could help. And sure, girls were annoying, but so were a lot of guys. Even Naruto had his annoying moments when he was too loud but that didn't stop him from finding the blond attractive. It just made Sasuke want to hit him or bite him, he was never sure which.



"Sasuke . . . will you kiss me?" Sakura pleaded, sounding lost and sad at once. "Maybe it'll work this time."



He was about to say yes, but then stopped. What was the point? It wasn't going to work and he knew that, he thought she knew that too but was just missing Ino and wanted to be kissed or held as a form of comfort. But he . . . it felt too wrong this time, more so than usual.



He felt like he'd be cheating on Naruto, and really didn't want to kiss anyone else.



He also didn't want to imagine Naruto kissing someone else.



"No Sakura, not this time."



"Why not? It's okay. I'm a girl so it's okay."



"No, it's not. Not anymore. It was okay then, but not now." It was okay then because he wasn't involved with Naruto in any way and didn't feel like he'd be cheating on anyone, but not now, he didn't want to and didn't feel like he should be kissing anyone else. He hoped Naruto felt that way too, even though they hadn't technically decided that they were in a relationship. He wondered where they stood with each other, where Naruto thought they stood. But he wasn't sure how to ask or bring it up.



Before Sakura could say anything more the doors to the church opened up. They looked back to see Naruto standing there and they all shot each other questioning looks.



"The priest sent me because you were taking too long. Dinner's done," Naruto explained.



Sasuke and Sakura nodded, standing up and walking over to him. Just before they were about to exit the church, Sasuke stopped.



"Sakura, could you give us a minute and wait outside for us?"



Sakura looked nervous at being asked that.



"But . . ."



"It's okay, we won't be long."



She looked back and forth at them before nodding and leaving on her own. Naruto stayed behind and raised an eyebrow at Sasuke as the doors shut. As soon as they were closed, Sasuke grabbed Naruto's vest – sweater vests looked so wrong on him – and roughly pulled the blond to him. He pressed their lips together in a hard, but sloppy, kiss. Naruto let out a surprised sound, his body tensing before relaxing and kissing Sasuke back.



This was more like it. A real kiss and not some feather soft touch of lips.



They both breathed heavily through their noses and Sasuke relished how Naruto grabbed at him and crushed their bodies together. Between them, Sasuke allowed himself to feel those hard muscles under those horrible clothes and moaned into the kiss.



When they parted their chests were heaving and they stayed close to each other, still pressed together. Naruto moved his head to the side and nuzzled Sasuke's cheek affectionately.



He really liked this man.



"Naruto," he breathed, embarrassed at how out of breath he sounded. It wasn't anything too mind blowing, and yet that short, hard kiss was the most intense thing he'd ever felt.



"Yeah?" the blond purred, obviously put in a very happy mood.



"I don't want you kissing or touching anyone else so long as you're . . . and I . . ." he was having a hard time getting the words out, not sure how to get his point across without sounding like he was asking him to be his boyfriend. But wasn't that what he was doing? He wasn't sure, he just needed Naruto to know he didn't want the blond kissing anyone else, or touching anyone else the way he touched him. He had meant to sound demanding there, but ended up losing himself at the end and berated himself for it.



Naruto pulled away and grinned at him.



"Oh? Where did this come from? And I'm not the one who keeps kissing other people. Just what were you and Sakura doing before I came in here?"



"Nothing, she was just telling me about why she's here. I didn't kiss her. And I told her that I won't anymore. It feels . . . it doesn't feel right when I'm kissing you."



"Ah, she told you about her fucked up family and about Ino eh?"



"You know?"



"Sure, she told me when she first came back."



"And?"



"And? And . . . I feel indescribably sorry for that girl."



"I don't want to be like Sakura."



Naruto's grin dimmed down to a soft smile. He leaned forward and rubbed his nose against Sasuke's.



"Well, that's good news for me to hear. Cause I really like kissing you."



"So . . . ?" Sasuke tugged on the blond's vest, bringing his attention back to the subject at hand.



"So? I haven't kissed anyone else since coming here; I'm not going to start now. I just want t kiss you."



"Good."



Naruto chuckled. "Why don't you just come out and ask me?"



Sasuke sighed, knowing what he was asking.



"What kind of relationship could we have in this place?"



"A sneaky one? Might be fun."



Rolling his eyes, Sasuke shoved Naruto back, making him stumble a bit before catching himself. He huffed but Sasuke ignored him.



"Come on; let's go before we're really caught."



When they got outside Sakura gave them a look that told them she knew what they were really doing in there. But Sasuke also got the feeling that she wasn't going to say anything about it, and he was grateful for that. She knew better than anyone about slip ups after all.



So they went into the large white home and Sasuke tried to ignore Naruto's wide grin all throughout dinner as he chatted merrily with everyone else at the table, baffling even the priests with his good mood.



What an idiot, Sasuke thought, while looking down so his hair hide his own soft grin.



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