Happiness: A Confusing and Elusive State

Naruto was taking a pleasant morning walk. The rising sun's warmth enveloped him, the songs of birds were the only noise, and all in all, it was a perfect morning for walking. He wasn't quite fully awake and his mind had yet to start its full functions. Slowly, as the transitions between seasons are, he began to reflect upon recent events. It was in this transitional phase that his pleasant morning walk fell into a confused category.


(I saw Sasuke yesterday, but he didn't want to talk to me. Why did he leave so suddenly? Why did he even come to Ichiraku? Was it... because he wanted to see me? Maybe he had something to tell me. Maybe... maybe he has feelings for me too!)


He shook his head and promptly realized his wishful thinking had made him stop walking. He saw some of the more motivated citizens who were up at this hour stopping to look at him. They wore a look of confusion, though it was unclear if it was Naruto's action or how they should deal with it that was confusing. Feeling slightly embarrassed, Naruto began walking again.


(Maybe he just had some news for me and he just saw that I was busy. Yeah, that's probably it. I know Sasuke likes me and all but I don't think he likes me like I like him. Besides, he wants to rebuild his clan, or at least try to. He can't do that with me...)


Naruto's thoughts trailed off as he spotted a familiar face among the people up and about. Sasuke... He walked up to Naruto, trying his best to avoid eye contact.


"You wanted to talk right? I'm free right now. Let's go." The words came out irregularly, like they had been practiced but he was having trouble remembering them.


"Yeah, sure!" Naruto said, unsure of what to think of the development.


(I didn't expect him to be so willing. Sasuke's never been one to talk freely. Still, I should just take advantage of this time to spend with him.)


Sasuke led Naruto out away from the village and into the woods. It was one of those times where being alone would be best. Neither was quite sure what would come up and they didn't want to risk the wrong things getting out. They came across a clearing, the same one Naruto had enlarged through his anger and confusion. They each picked a spot and sat down. They tried not to look at each other, instead focusing on a random spot among the trees.


"I wonder what happened here. All the trees are knocked over..." Sasuke started, trying to hold a normal conversation.


"Oh, this was me. I got a little mad." Naruto replied. The words sounded natural but at the same time they felt wrong.


"A little mad?" Sasuke asked, surveying the damage, "I don't buy it!" He gave out a laugh at Naruto and actually looked at him.


(I can't even remember the last time I heard him laugh. I forgot how nice it sounded.) Naruto thought to himself as he joined Sasuke in laughing. They settled down and each waited for the other to say something.


"Oh, hey, I'm going to be Hokage!" Naruto declared proudly, smiling at Sasuke.


"Great..." Sasuke replied, not overly enthusiastic about the news. Naruto's smile quickly faded.


(Oh yeah, he wanted to be Hokage too, even if it was his own version of it...)


Sasuke laid on the ground and stared up at the foliage. His jaw clenched and unclenched and his brow furrowed. He was thinking very hard about what he was going to say but was having a lot of trouble. He buried his face in his hands and growled in frustration. Suddenly he sat up and looked Naruto straight in the eyes. There was no hesitation or doubt in his voice. It was just him speaking his mind, and he seemed relieved to say it.


"Naruto, when was the last time we talked to each other? I mean, without us yelling or trying to kill each other? When was there no hostility between us?"


"It's been way too long. I think it was Chunin Exam..."


"No, we didn't really talk to each other then. It was the Wave mission."


"Well then why did you ask me if you knew the answer!" Naruto yelled in frustration. Sasuke was unphased and simply asked another question.


"Remember the nights we spent tree climbing and how we returned that one night arm in arm? Remember how proud we were?"


"Yeah, that was probably the happiest we've ever been together. Remember when you saved me?"


"What ever did happen with that?" Sasuke asked. He never really was told what had happened after he passed out.


"Well I remember falling into despair with your "death." With that pain came anger and with that anger came a power. I didn't really feel I was in control of myself. There was just anger and the want to kill. I lashed out, feeling unstoppable. The guy moved painfully slow instead of blindingly fast. I caught him and almost killed him, but my anger left me along with the power. I didn't end up killing the guy, and I'm glad I didn't."


"And that was the power of the ni- of Kuruma? Was it the same thing I saw when you fought Gaara?"


Naruto nodded. "But that time it was different. I asked for the chakra. I had a purpose for it. I was still me. There was no bloodlust that time. I don't ever want to experience that again."


Sasuke picked himself up and sat next to Naruto, whose heartbeat immediately jumped. He slowly and awkwardly put his arm around Naruto in a gesture of comfort.


"I can relate now when I look back to when I left. I had forsaken everything I'd known just for power. I didn't care what I did or who I hurt as long as I killed Itachi. I gathered a group of people to help me with my goal. They looked at me as a friend. I looked at them as tools. At the time, I wouldn't have thought twice about sacrificing one of them to help me achieve my goal. It wasn't the exact same experience as you but I can understand it."


(Sasuke's never said anything about this to anyone, not even Sakura. But now he's so close... I want to tell him how I feel but I don't know the words. Well I do but I just can't follow through. This moment is perfect. There's a real connection here. I just have to go for it.)


"Sasuke..." Naruto said, "I like yo-"


"I like you too," Sasuke cut Naruto off. "I love you like a brother. It's why I wanted to kill you. I just want you know that I'm sorry."


"But I-" Naruto tried to start again but gave up. Now was not the time for words, it was time for action. Before Sasuke could say anything, Naruto leaned over and kissed him. Sasuke's eyes went wide with shock. He recovered moments later but found himself incapable of action. He needed some space and time to think. He pushed Naruto away and ran, leaving the blond miserable and alone in the clearing.