Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 12th 2007, Monday
second version: November 18th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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50: But he hadn’t kissed him

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When Shikamaru was eleven years and three months old, he decided that it wouldn’t be a very good idea to fall in love with his friend Uchiha Sasuke. He had started to feel things in his stomach that hadn’t been there before. His eyes had both wanted to linger on his friend and wanted to quickly turn away. He had found himself almost warm and embarrassed when he shouldn’t be and annoyed when overhearing girls giggling and trying to decide whether anyone of them had enough courage to ask the most handsome guy in school to be their boyfriend. Shikamaru had realized where things were headed before they had arrived, he was a clever boy; because he had noticed the warning signs of the crush before it really happened, it had never happened at all. Shikamaru had had a long and hard session of thinking where he weighed the pros and cons and possible scenarios and outcomes, and had come to the conclusion that it wasn’t a very good idea, falling in love with his friend.

It wasn’t that Shikamaru didn’t like Sasuke’s personality (there was no logical reason for it really, but Sasuke had grown on him over the years) or that he was disturbed by the fact that Sasuke was a guy (though it had been a bit surprising, Shikamaru hadn’t found anything interesting in guys before); in the end it had just been the fact that the trouble outweighed the good things, for both of them. Shikamaru had been sure even at that age that there would be no simple way to be the guy’s boyfriend, and while he would have been willing (probably not exceedingly willing, but willing enough) to tackle the trouble if that was what Sasuke needed, he figured that Sasuke would gain more from a good friend than he would from a good boyfriend.

So, because it wasn’t a very good idea, Shikamaru never fell in love with Sasuke.

-

That Saturday Shikamaru got out of bed around noon, because his mom kept yelling about needing milk and eggs for her baking. ‘Does she want a son or a slave?’ Shikamaru had muttered to the pillow before tearing himself away from it and the warm bed. The floor in his room had been cold and his favorite pants had been washed while he was sleeping but not yet dried. ‘Would she like it if I soaked her clothes while she was sleeping?’ Shikamaru had muttered to washing machine when he found out.

He knew the answer to that one; she wouldn’t like it at all. She would yell at him until his ears and his brain wanted to flee from his head, then she would spend the day forcing laundry knowledge (and probably the knowledge of various other household items as well, just in case) on him while complaining that the whole exceptional IQ thing had to be fake (‘just look at your grades!’). Shikamaru wouldn’t bother to tell her that he already knew how to handle the washing machine; that he could probably pick apart every machine in the building (yes, not just their apartment, the building) and put them back together again if he wanted to; and they would most likely work better afterwards. That was such useless knowledge for mothers. The less she knew, the less trouble there would be for Shikamaru. And good grades were overrated.

Around 12:30 Shikamaru left the apartment yawning and scratching his head; he took the elevator down and made a face and a tired, groaning sound when the sun greeted him cheerfully. The closest grocery store was about three minutes from Shikamaru’s room, but the one his mother wanted her milk and eggs (‘oh, and coriander and yoghurt, and onions!’) from took fifteen minutes to reach if Shikamaru hurried, and he wouldn’t. It was some stupid mother thing about special brands, better deals, ‘best before’ dates and exercise for her lazy son. Shikamaru didn’t know why he bothered.

Or rather, if he were perfectly honest and open with himself, he knew exactly why he bothered. Only on most days he didn’t feel like being perfectly honest and open, and he didn’t need to be either. It was quite the opposite really. If Shikamaru were perfectly honest and open about everything he knew and had considered, he would end up horribly depressed because of all the crazy and pointless things that people accepted as normal in the world. For that reason, unless he needed or wanted to, Shikamaru mostly pretend he didn’t know. It worked surprisingly well.

Shikamaru had walked five steps onto the lawn that lay between the street and the apartment building next to his own before he stopped. That Saturday sun was too bright. It hurt Shikamaru’s eyes, made him frown more than usual and his blinking extra long, made the redness behind his eyelids extra comfortable.

He would have continued across the lawn, would have pulled open the door and climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. He would have pushed the button next to the second door, one time, two times. Then he would have leaned his head on the button and listened to the constant ringing on the other side of the door with a lazy smile on his lips. Some moments later Sasuke would have ripped open the door and cursed and tried to hit him. Or he would have hit him; it all depended on whether or not Shikamaru felt like dodging. Then Sasuke would have been dragged along on the shopping trip and things would have been more bearable; nice even. They would have shared smokes on the way there and on the way back. Sasuke would have complained about Shikamaru making him leave the house too early but he would have come anyway.

Shikamaru would have done those things and those things would have happened, if Sasuke had still lived there. But he didn’t. Shikamaru felt stupid and not at all like a genius that would pick apart machines and put them back together again. This was the first time. It had been months! For months Shikamaru had known that Sasuke wasn’t here anymore and there hadn’t been a trace of almost walking into that building by mistake, and now there was; today he had. Shikamaru sighed, stopped blinking slowly and closed his eyes for real. He turned, returned to the sidewalk and kept going, toward the store, wishing his mother had chosen another day for her baking. Sasuke didn’t live here anymore. The fact that it had been fine for so long already only made the mistake worse. It nagged at Shikamaru’s brain like a stone would nag against his feet if he got it in his shoes. Sasuke didn’t live here anymore. Shikamaru supposed he would be stupid though, or maybe just an asshole, if he didn’t miss a good friend.

-

When Shikamaru came back from his shopping trip and had dumped the groceries on his mother (and had received the mandatory sigh and ‘couldn’t you have walked faster?’) he went up on the roof. It wasn’t very cold this day and the sun had warmed the concrete when he had been sleeping and shopping so he could lie down on his jacket even though it was almost December. Shikamaru liked to spend time on the roof. He liked watching the sky, just staring at the world above his head, clouds wandering and birds flying and such things. Some people liked fishing, some liked shopping, some like baking and Shikamaru liked doing nothing. Sometimes he did it alone and sometimes with company.

Sasuke had also liked doing nothing; at least he had said so. Shikamaru wasn’t so sure he liked it like Shikamaru liked it, suspected that Sasuke confused doing nothing with things like talking crap and smoking and listening to music. Though... Shikamaru supposed that if you wanted to be picky he himself confused doing nothing with watching the sky and napping; so who was he to complain?

Today the clouds were small, white and their borders were detailed and clear. It was a rare sight in the city, such clean, white clouds, and reminded Shikamaru of the view he had seen from Sasuke’s window when he had gone to visit Sasuke’s new home back in August. A plane had left a trail of whiteness across the sky and the birds were few. Shikamaru hadn’t been watching very long at all before he fell asleep. It was too early to be up, being a Saturday with no errands or other planned things.

He dreamed that he was late for a meeting with Sasuke. They had decided to meet on the bridge because Sasuke had something important to say, but Shikamaru was late. They said they would meet at noon and the sun was already setting. Time had moved so fast. First he had only been a couple of minutes late, but then the minutes had multiplied and soon turned to hours. Shikamaru was running. He pushed through crowds of people that were bigger and thicker than they were supposed to be. He hurried and hurried but it was like every step took him further away from his destination. It made no sense but he kept running anyway.

And in the back of his mind Shikamaru knew, as he dreamed, that Sasuke wasn’t standing on the bridge that Shikamaru was hurrying to reach. Not because Shikamaru was late, but because when Sasuke had said ‘bridge’ he hadn’t meant the bridge Shikamaru had thought he meant, the bridge they usually met at, Sasuke had meant the bridge in the town that was his home now. Sasuke had moved away. Shikamaru had never had a chance to get there.

He stopped running in his dream and woke up when the door that separated the roof from the stairs down was opened. The crowds of people was replaced with a blue sky with small white clouds and his desperation to reach Sasuke was replaced with annoyance because what the hell was it with the guy and disturbing Shikamaru’s life today? He allowed himself a split-second of closed eyes and a sigh before turning his head to see who had been kind enough to wake him up.

It was a guy dressed in white and black with long dark hair that covered most of his back. He had a frown on his face and looked like he was upset about something, but Shikamaru knew that was just how he looked. Neji wouldn’t quite be Neji if he didn’t look upset. Neji was a year older than Shikamaru and at first they had just known of each other because both their fathers were in the Leaf faction. You didn’t automatically become a member of the factions just because your parents were (though, of course, some of the rules still applied to you about secrets and such things), but most kids ended up joining anyway. Shikamaru had been sort of a late bloomer, as his father used to put it (his mother just said he was lazy), waiting longer than most before deciding to join. Neji on the other hand had pretty much been a member since he was old enough to say ‘okay,’ just like his cousin, a girl the same age as Shikamaru. But the Hyuuga family had always been kind of special. Old-fashioned and devoted and stuff. Neji’s father and his twin brother were about as high up the faction chain as you could get really. So Shikamaru had known of Neji and they had sort of talked on occasions, a little. But it wasn’t until the whole thing between Sasuke and Neji that Shikamaru really got to know the serious, upset-looking guy.

Sasuke and Neji had always had sparks between them, ever since they first met. Actually the first time Shikamaru had seen the two of them together was when he found them making out on a couch. At first he had thought it was someone else. Well, he had recognized Sasuke, had started to get used to finding his friend making out with guys on couches and in corners and other places; but it had been difficult to accept the other guy as stuck-up, serious and from an old-fashioned family Neji. It had been him of course. You learn something new everyday, and all that.

After the fifth or sixth time of finding them together, Shikamaru had allowed himself to go a little out of character and meddle. He supposed that there was a difference between seeing the same guy trading saliva with and pawing at your good friend at several parties in a row and having the guy change with the parties. It had taken some time to convince the two that it was possible to try and see if ‘maybe you could do something more with this?’, but in the end they had tried. They had tried and they had failed. Trading-saliva friends had become trading-words-and-normal-friend-stuff friends. New guys for the parties again.

“Your mother wants you to know you bought the wrong coriander,” Neji said. He let go of the door and let it drift shut as he started walking toward Shikamaru’s spot on the concrete.

“I know,” Shikamaru said; gave a small sigh and turned his face back toward the sky. “I do that, hoping she’ll stop asking me to do her shopping for her.”

“How has it worked so far?”

“Maybe she’s a slow learner,” Shikamaru muttered and made a tired face.

“Or maybe you are,” Neji said; then his shadow fell over Shikamaru and he stopped. Shikamaru opened his eyes.

“Maybe,” he sighed and pushed himself up into a sitting position. “Why are you here? If you’ve got something for today I’m not interested.”

Neji smiled slightly and somehow managed it without looking any less upset.

“I don’t,” he said. “I wanted to let you know that we’re staying away from Sound territory for a while. There’s a deal going on.”

Sometimes Shikamaru wondered how many things would be different if Sasuke and Neji had been given some more time to make their thing work. These days Shikamaru didn’t feel as bad about his meddling. Sasuke was okay. Sasuke was safe and would be fine. He was in love, quite the miracle really, and the lucky guy was good. Naruto had a good heart and a good, stable and safe life. No, these days Shikamaru didn’t feel as bad, but before Sasuke had moved there had been plenty of times when Shikamaru had sorely regretted meddling in Sasuke and Neji’s business. If Sasuke and Neji had managed to get their thing to work Shikamaru was fairly sure that Sasuke would have made up his mind and joined the Leaf for real, eventually. He would have stopped hanging out with the Sound and Shikamaru would have gotten rid of a bunch of trouble not having to look after his friend all the time. Sometimes things had even gone so far that Shikamaru regretted not allowing his own crush all those years ago.

It felt better these days though. Shikamaru was growing more and more confident that he had done the right thing, all the right things. Sasuke was alright and he was going to stay alright. Shikamaru missed his friend, yes, but he preferred that Sasuke was safe and alright.

“What kind of a deal?” Shikamaru couldn’t help but ask. For a long time Shikamaru had made sure he always knew what went on with the Sound and habits were hard to get rid of,

“Why?” Neji said and Shikamaru heard his eyes narrow. “Do you have a reason to worry?”

For some reason Sasuke had been closer than usual this Saturday. Shikamaru thought about his meeting with Sasuke and Naruto after their meeting with Itachi and his talk with Sasuke on the phone earlier that week. His friend had seemed okay both times, considering, and Kakashi would have called if something was wrong. Naruto would have called too. There was nothing indicating trouble. Just an almost mistake, a dream and another faction deal that the high ups didn’t want there to be trouble because. Shikamaru was just being paranoid.

“No,” he sighed eventually and shrugged. “Not really.”

Neji snorted.

“I heard Sasuke was here with a blond last week,” he said and tried to sound casual.

“Yeah,” Shikamaru said, grateful for the slight change of topic. “He went to see his brother with his boyfriend.”

“You know I don’t buy that,” Neji said, eyes narrowed again and an edge to his voice. “Uchiha Sasuke doesn’t make boyfriends.”

“And Hyuuga Neji doesn’t get jealous,” Shikamaru said, but continued before Neji could respond. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s idiotic to try and put limits to the world? The only thing that’ll happen is that it will do its best to prove you wrong.”

Neji opened his mouth to argue, or maybe just say something angry, but in the end he closed it again without having said anything. The scowl on his face that said he was pissed off melted away and he went back to looking just serious and frowning.

“I don’t have time for this,” he said and his tone made it seem like that was the only reason he turned and walked away.

“See you,” Shikamaru mumbled and turned his face back toward the sky. Simple sky and clouds with detailed borders. No wonder he liked watching it.

On the days when Shikamaru pretended he didn’t know; he didn’t know why he preferred new guys to the same guy over and over. On the rare days that he didn’t pretend, he knew of course. It bothered the shit out of him that Sasuke got along with someone well enough and had enough sparks with them to keep coming back. It bothered the shit out of Shikamaru that someone seemed to have succeeded where he himself had given up before he even tried. Of course, Shikamaru was Shikamaru, so there would always be tons of things he gave up on before he had even tried, but for some reason this thing was different. For some reason, Sasuke was different.

It also bothered him that it appeared as if he had been wrong in his prediction that being Sasuke’s boyfriend would involve lots of bother. For a long time it seemed as if he had been right. Why else would Sasuke keep changing make-out partners all the time? But with Neji it was... They had never had anything real going on. They’d gotten together at the parties and that had been that, but... But they had kept coming back to each other. They had sparks. Shikamaru had had a cold feeling in his stomach that if the routine kept up, it might have turned into something real. They might have come to the conclusion eventually that they had something.

So why was Naruto okay? Even when he didn’t pretend Shikamaru didn’t know why Naruto was okay when Neji had not been. He supposed it could have been the fact that it was different. With Neji it would have been a routine thing that evolved and with Naruto it was... a whole new thing. It had to be good.

Shikamaru hadn’t really met Naruto when he first told Neji about him. He’d seen the guy, walking home from school with Gaara of the Sand, and he’d heard Sasuke talk about him, but he hadn’t met Naruto in person or talked to him. What mattered had been clear to him though; Sasuke was falling in love, or crushing, or whatever it was called. Neji hadn’t been quite so sure however.

‘He doesn’t fall in love,’ the serious upset-looking guy had growled, his eyes fiercer than usual. ‘He plays around when he’s drunk, that’s all.’

‘Apparently that’s not all,’ Shikamaru had muttered.

‘I don’t buy it,’ Neji had said and for some reason he had reminded Shikamaru of a stubborn six or three year old saying ‘I don’t eat green peas.’

‘It doesn’t matter if you buy it,’ Shikamaru had sighed.

‘Who is this guy anyway?’ Neji had snarled and made an out-of-character gesture with his arms. Shikamaru supposed he could have waited with the Naruto-Sasuke news until Neji was sober, but somehow it had slipped out.

‘He’s just a guy. Just a blond, happy guy.’

‘There’s got to be something more to him than that,’ Neji had snorted.

‘I don’t know,’ Shikamaru had sighed. He hadn’t been quite sober either. ‘He looks silly, Sasuke says he’s a retard and stalker.’

‘A stalker?’

‘Yeah, he just won’t...’

Shikamaru had suddenly been forced to stop talking as it hit him hard. It shouldn’t have, it wasn’t news; he had used the argument himself on Sasuke when they talked. Maybe he had been drinking too much and gone stupid. Or maybe he had been stupid before.

‘He won’t leave him alone.’

There had been something in Neji’s eyes telling Shikamaru that he was hit by the same thing. The silence that had fallen between them had been depressing, but not as much as the realization of where they both might have gone wrong and a silly, happy blond guy might have gone right.

‘That’s so idiotic,’ Neji had finally muttered.

Shikamaru hadn’t said anything.

-

Two days after Shikamaru’s twelfth birthday, Sasuke had given him a late present. Shikamaru’s parents had been out of the house, they had been home alone and Sasuke had dug out a plastic bag with bottles from his sleepover-backpack, five bottles of beer and one bottle of vodka from Kakashi’s stash. It was time they started drinking, Sasuke had said. It was pathetic to be as old as they were and never been drunk. Shikamaru hadn’t bothered mentioning that he actually had been drunk, when he was around six or seven and too curious for his own good. He also didn’t bother mentioning that the thought of drinking had been slightly scary since that time.

That hadn’t been the reason Sasuke so completely out drank Shikamaru that evening though. Shikamaru had been drinking; it was just that Sasuke had been drinking so much more and so much faster. There had been some grimacing at first, but soon he had been drinking like you drank water when you had been running hard for a long time on a hot day. Music had been playing and Shikamaru had tried to keep some sort of conversation going to force Sasuke to keep some time between the meetings his lips had with the bottle, but it hadn’t really worked.

Sasuke had been drinking for a reason, and it had not been because they were twelve and not drinking was pathetic (come on, twelve?). It hadn’t been curiosity either and not because he wanted to mess with Kakashi and they weren’t allowed. Sasuke hadn’t been in too great a mood that day; there had been something bothering him. He hadn’t been really angry; just... there had just been something there gnawing at him. Maybe he had heard somewhere that drinking would make it better.

Sasuke hadn’t stopped drinking until he fell backwards onto the floor, making a sound that was something between a whine and a groan. Shikamaru’s head had been spinning as well at that point, but he had managed to reach out and save the bottle in Sasuke’s hand before the guy went down. Sasuke hadn’t noticed. He hadn’t noticed much of anything it seemed. His dark eyes had been hidden behind his eyelids. His face had been flushed, a rare color on him, and his breathing had been coming in soft pants from the slight opening between his lips. For a moment Shikamaru had forgotten why that crush wasn’t a good idea.

Then he had sighed and placed Sasuke’s saved bottle on the floor next to his own. He had settled on the floor as well, leaning on an elbow with his face next to Sasuke’s and for a moment just watched and listened as his friend breathed, and wondered if he was asleep.

‘Is your world spinning too?’ Shikamaru had asked when he felt that saying nothing was growing awkward. Sasuke had groaned in reply and reached out with his tongue to lick at his lips. His eyes had still been closed.

But Shikamaru hadn’t kissed him.

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