What the New Year Brings
folder
Naruto › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
60
Views:
2,187
Reviews:
14
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
Naruto › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
60
Views:
2,187
Reviews:
14
Recommended:
1
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The First Time KakaSaku Celebrate Obon
If I didn't know about all these Japanese holidays, I wouldn't have known why there wasn't a new manga chapter up this week. Good to know all this research is good for something! :P
Spoiler: This refers a lot to the Pein arc in the manga. If you're not caught up, I'm mostly referring to this: onemanga.com/Naruto/449/09/
Update: The very sweet Kamaruu has created another KakaSaku fanart based on this story which can be found here:
kamaruu.deviantart.com/art/KakaSaku-Death-133501284
Thanks again, Kamaruu! I love it! ^_^
Update #2 Sept. 6, 2009: Thank you Slinkymilinky for taking the time to do my KakaSaku fanart request for this chapter! I was seriously having problems drawing it myself and what you drew turned out lovely! I love it! ^_^ So please, everyone, check it out here:
http://slinkymilinky.deviantart.com/art/What-the-New-Year-Brings-136013890
Chapter 54-The First Time KakaSaku Celebrate Obon
Kakashi gracefully sways his arms first to the left, then to the right, daintily flicks each of his wrists, and does a little clap all while doing a two step. Not too far away I see Ibiki, bald head, scars and all, do the same things.
"Did you just snort?" Ino asks irately.
Looking around me I see that other people are also giving me irritated or, like Kakashi, confused looks.
"Sorry." I say soberly and submissively sway my own arms first to the left, then to the right, daintily flick each of my wrists, and do a little clap all while doing a two step.
Everyone seems appeased and turns back around to concentrate on their own moves, but then somebody else snorts, Naruto this time. I can see him snickering four people down to my right. Now everybody turns around to glare at him instead.
"I didn't know you were so graceful, Chouji!" Naruto teases loudly while flashing that toothy fox grin of his.
"Why you little..."
Well, at least Naruto seems to get it.
We must all look so strange from high up in the sky, moving en masse and in strange synchrony like a swarm of well trained ants at the base of the Hokage Monument. At first you might think we're just training. We are a ninja village, after all, but that wouldn't explain why civilians are also doing punches and blocks. And it wouldn't explain why shinobis, even the most intimidating ones like Ibiki and Kakashi, are moving with such uncharacteristic daintiness. To make our actions stranger, more and more people keep joining us as we make our way through the streets until we reach a grass clearing on the outskirts of the village. There, we circle around a high wooden scaffold called a yagura where musicians and singers are playing...The Pokémon Song? First we dance clockwise around the scaffold, then towards it, then away, then counter-clockwise around it instead. It may seem like we've all gone a bit mad, but we really haven't. It's just that today is August 15, it's the Japanese Buddhist holiday of Obon (pronounced "oh-bone"), and we're all just doing the traditional dance of joy for this particular holiday called Bon Odori.
Similar to Mexico's Dia de los Muertos, Obon is a day in which the spirits of the dead are believed to commune with the living. As such, families have big get togethers not only to pay respect to their loved ones who passed away and care for their graves, but to hopefully reunite with them as well, making it a true family reunion. The Obon Festival lasts for 3 days and the holiday itself has been celebrated in Japan for more than 500 years. The start date of the festival varies within different regions of Japan, but the 15th of August is the most common. These 3 days are not listed as public holidays, but it's customary for people to be given leave.
It's for this reason that while on any other day Kakashi would be left to stand in peace in front of the memorial stone the way he likes to every morning, today is different. Immediately after the Bon dance, everyone migrates from the grass clearing to the adjacent cemetery to both wash the gravestones of and pay respect to one loved one or another.
Kurenai and Team 10 are circled around Asuma's gravestone gently washing his engraved name with water soaked cloths. Naruto, with Hinata close at his side, does the same for his dad's and Jiraiya's names. Meanwhile, I can't go all the way to Sand just to wash Chiyo's gravestone, but Gaara and his siblings have reassured me by messenger bird that they will do it for me. So I stand by Kakashi's side and watch him instead as he lovingly washes Obito's and Rin's names and washes Yondaime's name for a second time after Naruto the way he had on our first date on New Year's Day.
In our line of work we are constantly faced with death. Our life is a life of extremes. While other people lose their loved ones through old age and disease, we lose ours at the hands of enemies or through self sacrifice, but although our profession toughens us, it doesn't make us heartless. If anything, our profession makes us mourn the loss of our loved ones harder than the rest, that's why Obon is an especially meaningful holiday for us shinobi. Another way it differs for us is that we've come to include our extended family in our respects rather than exclusively for our ancestors. Obito, Rin, and Yondaime may not have actually been Kakashi's relatives and Chiyo may not have been mine, but our bond to these people are as strong as blood. As ninja, it's not unusual to come to know someone at the spur of the moment during a mission and yet share a friendship with them that's worth a lifetime. Lastly, although we may not come to the cemetery everyday like Kakashi, it doesn't mean that we love the ones we lost any less. It’s just that we don’t blame ourselves for their deaths the way he does, but that's the thing about Obon: It isn't so much a day for sadness and loss as it is a day for celebration.
Case in point, as I tune into Kurenai and Team 10's soft murmurings, I realize that the things they're telling Asuma aren't sad. Instead, Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji are sharing stories about their latest successful mission while Kurenai tells her late husband about how much their child has grown while said child, now 8 years old, sits nearby and stares quietly up at the clouds passing by overhead. It makes me think that perhaps Shikamaru has gone overboard with his promise to his former sensei and is influencing the child a bit too much...
Meanwhile, although this is one of the rare times that I've actually seen Naruto solemn, I can't help but crack a smile when I hear him murmur to his dad (still oh-so solemnly) what a kickass girlfriend Hinata is, much to Hinata's embarrassment.
And Kakashi isn't here to share sad news with his old teammates either. Instead, he's been telling them about our engagement and all the plans that we've made.
Perhaps in telling the dead that we miss them dearly, but that we're managing without them and our lives are good, we reassure them that their deaths were not in vain and to not worry about us. In turn, it comforts us the living and makes us feel close to our loved ones even though they may be gone. It's peace of mind for both the living and the dead. Perhaps it's for this reason that Kakashi visits the memorial stone not only on Obon, but everyday. Maybe Kakashi isn't punishing himself: He's actually making himself feel better since there's comfort and strength to be found in trying to be stronger for somebody else. Maybe he's trying to be stronger for Obito and his old team. After all, the origin of Obon comes from trying to ease the suffering of the dead:
Mokuren was a disciple of Buddha. One day he used his supernatural powers to look upon his dead mother. He discovered that she had fallen into the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and was suffering. Greatly disturbed by this, Mokuren went to Buddha and asked how he could release his mother from this realm. Buddha instructed him to make offerings to the many Buddhist monks who had just completed their summer retreat on the 15th day of the 7th month. Mokuren did so and thus, saw his mother's release. He also began to see the true nature of her past unselfishness and the many sacrifices she had made for him. Happy because of his mother's release and grateful for his mother's kindness, Mokuren danced with joy. From this dance of joy comes Bon Odori, or the Bon dance. Perhaps the simplest way to describe Bon Odori is line dancing Japanese style with all the dancers performing the same dance sequence in unison.
And here's where everything falls into place...
Because each village or city tries to integrate its own history and specialty into the Bon dance, it looks and sounds different from region to region. At old Miike Mine in Kyūshū, Japan, for example, their version of the dance, Tankō Bushi (the "coal mining song"), shows the movements of miners like digging, cart pushing, and lantern hanging. While in Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, our version involves the swaying of the arms to mimic the way the wind moves through the trees and basic taijutsu moves to reflect our ninja heritage which explains why Kakashi, Ibiki, and Chouji were - contrary to their nature - dancing so daintily, and why civilians - who aren't trained fighters - were doing punches and blocks. Meanwhile, music played during the Bon dance is not limited to Obon music. Some modern hits and children's tunes written to the beat of the "ondo," or Japanese folk music, are also used. Hence, our dancing along to the Pokémon Ondo. (1) There are other ways the Bon dance can vary from region to region. Some dances involve the use of props, like fans, towels, or small wooden clappers called "kachi-kachi."
As Japanese summer festivities go, it's tradition to wear a yukata, or summer kimono which is made of lightweight cotton instead of heavy lined silk, but wearing a yukata is still hotter than wearing modern summer clothes like shorts and a tank top. Unlike the previous summer holiday of Tanabata, however, I decide to bear and grin it and wear the traditional dress because if people are going to watch me dance the Bon Odori, I want to at least look good while I'm at it! Apparently, I'm not the only one in the same mind set since everyone else, including Kakashi, also dons the traditional robe. It's but one more successful step in getting him out of his jounin uniform (Inner Sakura pumps her fist and shouts "Shannaro!"). However, Kakashi's yukata still looks like a mere translation of his jounin uniform, the robe being olive green with a navy blue sash (Inner Sakura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Eh. He still looks smexy."). My yukata on the other hand, is a direct translation of my namesake with pale pink cherry blossoms on an otherwise plain white robe with a dark pink sash.
Respects paid and dances of joy completed, everyone disperses to the various carnival rides, games, and food booths spread throughout the village. It's to be expected. It doesn't matter where you are in the world: Holidays, as solemn as the basis of their creation may be, almost always turn into an excuse to simply kick back, relax, and have fun. A holiday wouldn't be a holiday otherwise. Besides, Obon, like Mexico's Dia de los Muertos, is meant to be a celebration because although we may all innately fear and dread death, it also serves as a constant reminder of how short and precious life is, so for heaven's sake enjoy life and live it to its fullest!
As darkness falls, people slowly head back home with stomachs full and feet sore after a day full of eating, walking, and having way too much fun, but the day isn't over yet for August 15 is also the day that we practice Tsukimi, or moon viewing. It ties in well with Obon because everyone is out and about anyway for the festival and there's just something naturally ethereal and haunting about the moon and its eery white glow.
Back at the apartment, Kakashi offers me his hand to help me climb out of our bedroom window for what better place is there to view the moon than out on your very own rooftop? The minute we step out onto the ledge, a cool breeze greets us, affirming that it's cooler outside than inside the summer-heated apartment. Using a little bit of chakra on our feet, we both easily maneuver our way across the otherwise steep and dangerous rooftop and find a spot wide enough for both of us to sit on. From our perch high above, we have a clear view of the vast, cloudless night sky and the moon that's a half crescent tonight. (2) We can also see the thousands of lit lanterns floating in serpentine patterns down Konoha's many waterways as they had on Tanabata. The practice is called Toro Nagashi and its purpose is to lead the spirits back to the Other World. It's for this reason that Obon is also called the Lantern Festival. (3)
Whether it's because I'm tired from such a full day, or because it's just more comfortable, or because I simply enjoy any excuse to be as close to my fiancé as possible, I let my head fall softly against Kakashi's shoulder and let it stay there. Kakashi neither moves nor complains. I wouldn't be surprised to see a happy eye crease if I bothered to lift my head up and look.
"You want to just go to bed?" he asks gently.
"No, I want to see the fireworks." I say with an unintended yawn.
He says nothing and again, without looking, I can just see the look on his face which I imagine to be both skeptical and worried this time. After knowing someone for 11 years, you really do start to read him like a book.
"I'm fine, Kakashi." I reassure him. "Just keep talking to me to keep me awake until the fireworks start."
"Okay...What do you want me to talk about?"
"I don't know. Anything. Just keep talking." I say sleepily.
"Okay," he says offhandedly and I feel his shoulders shrug beneath my head. "I think that maybe you should give reading Icha, Icha a try."
"WHAT?!" I shout, pulling my head quickly away from his shoulder to stare back at him in surprise.
"Well look who's awake now." Kakashi says, a mischievous sparkle in his eye.
"You're not serious, right? You just said that to shock me awake."
"No, I'm quite serious." Kakashi says calmly. "We're going to be part of each other's lives forever now, so I should probably share my interests with you."
"I'm not so sure your interests are something that I want to share." I say, raising an eyebrow up at him.
"C'mon, Sakura. How is Icha, Icha any different from reading a regular romance novel?"
"I wouldn't know! I don't read romance novels either!"
"So what have you got to lose? Trust me, Sakura, Jiraiya is an amazing writer. Even if romance novels aren't your thing, you're sure to find something to like in his stories. They're not all about sex, you know?"
"They aren't? Well that's news to me! I'm sure that's news to Jiraiya - God rest his soul - too!"
"No, they're not." Kakashi says still in that calm manner of his. "He has a lot to say about love and life in general. Sometimes you even learn some new things-"
"For the bedroom."
"No, well, actually, yeah, but there's other stuff, too."
"Like what?" I say, crossing my arms across my chest.
"I don't know. Like...how to stand up for what you believe even when - no - especially when people try to tear you down. Or how a person's worth is based on how they treat people and try to help them out and not on how a person looks or what they have. If you just get past the smutty parts you'll see what I mean."
"Are you sure we're still talking about Icha, Icha?!"
"Yes, we are. There's a reason why Icha, Icha is so popular."
"I thought it was just because of all the sex."
"For some people it is, for some people it isn't, but stories based on sex alone can only go so far. Getting off is all good and fine, but once the high fades off people want something with more substance."
"And Icha, Icha offers that - substance?"
"You just gotta get past the smutty parts." Kakashi reassures me. "...What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Kakashi asks, looking back at me worriedly.
"Yamato-teichou was right: You do have a way with words. Hand it over."
Kakashi digs into his back pouch, pulls out the bright orange book, and puts it into my waiting hand with a triumphant look in his eye.
"Love you." Kakashi says sweetly.
"Yeah, well, we'll see how you feel about that once I've got you categorizing poisons."
"Why would I-"
"You shared your interests with me, so I sure as hell am going to share mine with you!"
"But at least my interests aren't boring!"
"What are you saying?" I squint scrutinizingly back at Kakashi.
"Ahahaha! Poisons. Can't wait!" Kakashi says, nervously scratching the back of his head.
I squint at him one last time, then lay my head back against his shoulder.
After several minutes of silence, Kakashi breaks it with a quiet "I really do miss him, though."
"Who?"
"Jiraiya." Kakashi says softly.
"Let me guess why: Because you wish he could've kept writing more Icha, Icha?" I ask with a knowing smirk.
"Well, of course, but not only that, I really did respect the man. Sure, he could be a character sometimes, but he could also hold his own. I'd trust him with my life if his wasn't cut so short."
"You're right. He's just like Naruto. Sometimes he just really gets under your skin, but when it counts the most, he's there for you."
We both smile at the thought, but then another thought, a sadder one, occurs to me.
"Once you die, that's it, isn't it? No more chances to do all the things you planned to do. No more new experiences. You're just...cut off."
"Death isn't so bad. Not really." Kakashi says quietly.
When I lift my head off his shoulder to look at him, I see that he's looking up at the moon, but from the vacant look in his eye I can tell that he's not really seeing it. He's someplace else, somewhere far away. Like he's reminiscing about that place, the one we never talk about.
It's not that he avoids the subject. He spoke openly enough about it with Naruto when Naruto came to him all wide-eyed and curious like a little kid. It's just...I never asked and he never brought it up on his own. If I were to hazard to guess, it was because he didn't want to make me feel guilty and yet ironically enough, I never brought it up because I felt guilty.
Yes, I was curious, just as much as Naruto. After all, it might have answered my own questions about God and heaven, but guilt has a way of shutting you up and shutting you down. I'm a medic, after all, and because of Tsunade's mentoring, one of the best at that. Yet where was I when Kakashi needed me the most? I could've saved his life, but I didn't. I should've been at his side, but I wasn't. If Naruto hadn't talked Pein into having a change of heart...
So, I never asked.
Not him nor anyone else who was brought back to life that day, because if I asked too many questions, then maybe the person I was asking might start asking too many questions of their own. And what do you say to someone who asks you why you hadn't been there for them and why you hadn't saved their life when you could? It's not that I think so little of my friends and see them as so mean hearted, but I would know that even if they never asked that they probably still wondered those things silently in their heads, and I simply couldn't handle my own guilt and shame...
But Kakashi is right. We're going to be a part of each other's lives forever now and when you step into something as big as that, you have to learn to just let go of your inhibitions and completely open yourself up to another person as terrifying as that may be. It may leave you vulnerable, but it may strengthen you as well. So...I ask.
"What was it like, dying?"
Kakashi's gaze moves from the face of the moon to mine. He seems surprised that, after all these years, I'm finally asking, but at the same time he seems pleased by it, relieved even, like I've finally given him permission to address the elephant in the room.
And when he starts to relive the memory of his death, he doesn't seem saddened or pained by it like I had expected. Instead, his one exposed eye slightly crinkles, as if he's smiling beneath his mask.
"For me it was actually quite peaceful, like all the burdens of this world just melted away and I could finally just breathe. And it didn't feel like the end of something, it actually felt like the beginning of something new."
"I don't understand."
"When I died, this world ceased to exist, but somehow my consciousness didn't. It just...went to a different plane. I don't know how else to explain it."
"You mean you went to heaven?"
"No, not heaven, not hell either. Maybe it was a waiting room, a kind of purgatory."
"A waiting room?"
"A campsite, actually, in the middle of darkness."
"That's interesting. I thought that when you died you became like a moth, going towards the light and all that."
"Well, there was a light - from the campfire."
"There's a campfire in purgatory?"
"Apparently there is. Or maybe just in my version of purgatory...and my dad's."
"You saw your dad?"
"He was the first person I saw when I died. The only person I saw, actually."
"Wow, so what was that like, seeing your dad again?"
"Like I'd finally come home and there was nothing to be afraid of. Like I was right where I ought to be."
I say nothing, hurt by the implications of what he'd just said. Hadn't he wondered about his home here or all the people he had left behind? Hadn't he felt like this was where he needed to be? But he's too lost in his story, too pleased with the memory of his death, and it doesn't feel right to interrupt him.
"I finally got to bond with my dad." Kakashi says euphorically. "That was all I ever wanted growing up. It's what motivated me to advance through the ninja ranks at such a young age: To gain his approval, but even though he was proud of me and encouraged me when I was growing up, we never just sat down and talked the way we did around that campfire. There was no hurry, no hidden agenda, he wasn't even 'White Fang' anymore. He was just my dad." Kakashi says with warmth in his voice and in his eye. "And I was finally able to forgive him, too, because I finally understood why he left me the way he did, and that's all he ever wanted. In that one moment in time we both finally got what we wanted most from each other and were closer to each other than we ever were when we were both still alive. It's crazy, isn't it? That it's only in death that we both came to understand each other?" Kakashi laughs, shaking his head.
I wonder if Kakashi realizes how much he's just like Mokuren, having both peeked into death and come back alive, bringing with them the knowledge and understanding of the virtues and sacrifices that their parent had made. Or maybe you just have to grow older and experience more of life and the world to understand such things.
"Well, I think it's great that you both got the closure that you needed and I don't think it's crazy at all. At the hospital I've come to learn that even just the prospect of death makes people reevaluate their lives and see it clearer than when they were stuck in all its mess. You guys just needed some perspective. Of course, most of us don't go to the extreme of dying in order to gain perspective, but you don't like to do things halfway, do you?" I smirk at him.
"Now don't go saying something like that, Sakura. You'll ruin my reputation!"
"C'mon, Kakashi. We both know you weren't being lazy when you were teaching us."
"I wasn't?" Kakashi asks, the look in his eye totally confused.
"No. You just wanted to prove how much more advanced you were than us, so you barely lifted a finger."
"I did?"
"You mean you didn't?" I ask.
We both take a moment to look at each other confused. Then, we shrug our shoulders and snuggle against each other once more to stare back up at the moon. Kakashi seems fully content to sit quietly like this until the fireworks start, but one thing still bothers me.
"So you really didn't miss any of us when you died?" I ask, unable to keep the irritation out of my voice as I lift my head off his shoulder and look back accusingly at him.
Kakashi's eye widens and I see a bead of sweat trickle down his temple.
"Sakura, I was dead, but not for very long. If I had stayed dead, I'm pretty sure I would've had time to miss all of you, but in that brief moment in time I was just too happy to see my dad again who I hadn't seen in ages. You understand, don't you?"
"Yes, of course I do." I say, feeling bad now for even questioning him. "I'm sorry you had to die in the first place. I should've been there for you and I should've saved your life. I'm so sorry that I failed you and everyone else, too."
I feel his finger under my chin and then I'm no longer looking at my feet, but straight at him.
"Sakura, you need to listen to me very carefully when I say this: No one blames you for what happened that day. There was too much going on, too many of us were hurt or dying, and you could only do so much. Don't let anyone, most especially yourself, make you feel guilty for not being able to save everyone. You're human, not Pein." he says with a hint of humor in his voice.
I smile back at him, relieved. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
"Thank you, Kakashi, but I still don't know what I would've done if you never came back." I say, leaning my head back against his shoulder.
"That's really sweet of you, Sakura." Kakashi says, lifting the arm I'm leaning against to wrap it around me instead and to gently kiss me on the crown of the head. "But you shouldn't underestimate yourself either. You're stronger than when I first met you and not just in the physical sense, and knowing that, I'm sure you would've kept surviving and fighting with or without me."
"Kakashi, we both know that surviving and actually living aren't the same thing. You can keep surviving as a vegetable, but even as a medic I wouldn't count that as living, would you?"
"No, you're right, it's not." Kakashi says quietly, undoubtedly thinking back to all those times he stood catatonic in front of the memorial stone, staring at three specific names carved into its surface.
They say that it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, and in some ways it's true. (4) At the very least you would've lived your life having experienced love, but at the same time the pain of knowing what you once had and acknowledging its loss can also make you strongly believe that ignorance is bliss. The mere thought of losing Kakashi - not being able to feel the weight of his arm around my shoulders, or breathe in his scent, or feel the warmth of his body close to mine, to only feel empty space all around me and have nothing to connect me to him but fading memories of the sound of his laugh and the way his eye crinkles when he smiles - it makes my stomach drop and my heart clench. The pain of such loss is unfathomable.
"I'm glad you decided to come back." I say quietly. "I'm glad I'm not one of those people washing your name on a cold piece of stone. It's not the same as having you right here with me."
"I'm glad I came back, too, but to be honest I don't think I really had much of a choice."
"How so?"
"In that other world, I didn't understand why I was being brought back to this one. My dad said it was probably because I still had things to do. Actually, maybe that's the reason and purpose behind being a survivor. Maybe life goes on to offer you with new opportunities you never even dreamed of. Now that I think of it...Maybe this is one of them."
"Sitting with me on a rooftop, looking up at the moon?"
"Sure beats all those years of sitting up here alone." Kakashi says, smiling down at me with a happy eye crease.
My eyes widen in realization. For as long as I've known Kakashi, how many times had I seen him sitting on the rooftops reading his book? And for all those times I never once imagined that someday I'd be sitting right next to him, contemplating life and death and planning to share our lives forever together.
"Yes, it most definitely does." I agree, smiling warmly back at him. Then, we snuggle comfortably back against each other and lift our heads up to the heavens to watch the Obon fireworks turn the starry night sky into day.
To be continued...
~*~*~*~
Links:
(1a) Watch the Bon Odori danced to the Pokémon Ondo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIIBjIFlzDU
(1b) Learn how to dance the Bon Odori (One of them anyway):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4EGcnahiTs
(2) Moon calender:
http://paulcarlisle.net/mooncalendar/
(3) Picture of Toro Nagashi:
http://www.eons.com/images/members/2008/7/29/1/7/17945371219540554088_610w.jpeg
(4) "Better to have love and lost..."
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/62650.html
Fact sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obon_Festival
http://gojapan.about.com/cs/japanesefestivals/a/obonfestival.htm
http://www.iobt.org/_obon_origins.php
http://gojapan.about.com/od/currentevents/tp/moonviewingevents.htm
Spoiler: This refers a lot to the Pein arc in the manga. If you're not caught up, I'm mostly referring to this: onemanga.com/Naruto/449/09/
Update: The very sweet Kamaruu has created another KakaSaku fanart based on this story which can be found here:
kamaruu.deviantart.com/art/KakaSaku-Death-133501284
Thanks again, Kamaruu! I love it! ^_^
Update #2 Sept. 6, 2009: Thank you Slinkymilinky for taking the time to do my KakaSaku fanart request for this chapter! I was seriously having problems drawing it myself and what you drew turned out lovely! I love it! ^_^ So please, everyone, check it out here:
http://slinkymilinky.deviantart.com/art/What-the-New-Year-Brings-136013890
Kakashi gracefully sways his arms first to the left, then to the right, daintily flicks each of his wrists, and does a little clap all while doing a two step. Not too far away I see Ibiki, bald head, scars and all, do the same things.
"Did you just snort?" Ino asks irately.
Looking around me I see that other people are also giving me irritated or, like Kakashi, confused looks.
"Sorry." I say soberly and submissively sway my own arms first to the left, then to the right, daintily flick each of my wrists, and do a little clap all while doing a two step.
Everyone seems appeased and turns back around to concentrate on their own moves, but then somebody else snorts, Naruto this time. I can see him snickering four people down to my right. Now everybody turns around to glare at him instead.
"I didn't know you were so graceful, Chouji!" Naruto teases loudly while flashing that toothy fox grin of his.
"Why you little..."
Well, at least Naruto seems to get it.
We must all look so strange from high up in the sky, moving en masse and in strange synchrony like a swarm of well trained ants at the base of the Hokage Monument. At first you might think we're just training. We are a ninja village, after all, but that wouldn't explain why civilians are also doing punches and blocks. And it wouldn't explain why shinobis, even the most intimidating ones like Ibiki and Kakashi, are moving with such uncharacteristic daintiness. To make our actions stranger, more and more people keep joining us as we make our way through the streets until we reach a grass clearing on the outskirts of the village. There, we circle around a high wooden scaffold called a yagura where musicians and singers are playing...The Pokémon Song? First we dance clockwise around the scaffold, then towards it, then away, then counter-clockwise around it instead. It may seem like we've all gone a bit mad, but we really haven't. It's just that today is August 15, it's the Japanese Buddhist holiday of Obon (pronounced "oh-bone"), and we're all just doing the traditional dance of joy for this particular holiday called Bon Odori.
Similar to Mexico's Dia de los Muertos, Obon is a day in which the spirits of the dead are believed to commune with the living. As such, families have big get togethers not only to pay respect to their loved ones who passed away and care for their graves, but to hopefully reunite with them as well, making it a true family reunion. The Obon Festival lasts for 3 days and the holiday itself has been celebrated in Japan for more than 500 years. The start date of the festival varies within different regions of Japan, but the 15th of August is the most common. These 3 days are not listed as public holidays, but it's customary for people to be given leave.
It's for this reason that while on any other day Kakashi would be left to stand in peace in front of the memorial stone the way he likes to every morning, today is different. Immediately after the Bon dance, everyone migrates from the grass clearing to the adjacent cemetery to both wash the gravestones of and pay respect to one loved one or another.
Kurenai and Team 10 are circled around Asuma's gravestone gently washing his engraved name with water soaked cloths. Naruto, with Hinata close at his side, does the same for his dad's and Jiraiya's names. Meanwhile, I can't go all the way to Sand just to wash Chiyo's gravestone, but Gaara and his siblings have reassured me by messenger bird that they will do it for me. So I stand by Kakashi's side and watch him instead as he lovingly washes Obito's and Rin's names and washes Yondaime's name for a second time after Naruto the way he had on our first date on New Year's Day.
In our line of work we are constantly faced with death. Our life is a life of extremes. While other people lose their loved ones through old age and disease, we lose ours at the hands of enemies or through self sacrifice, but although our profession toughens us, it doesn't make us heartless. If anything, our profession makes us mourn the loss of our loved ones harder than the rest, that's why Obon is an especially meaningful holiday for us shinobi. Another way it differs for us is that we've come to include our extended family in our respects rather than exclusively for our ancestors. Obito, Rin, and Yondaime may not have actually been Kakashi's relatives and Chiyo may not have been mine, but our bond to these people are as strong as blood. As ninja, it's not unusual to come to know someone at the spur of the moment during a mission and yet share a friendship with them that's worth a lifetime. Lastly, although we may not come to the cemetery everyday like Kakashi, it doesn't mean that we love the ones we lost any less. It’s just that we don’t blame ourselves for their deaths the way he does, but that's the thing about Obon: It isn't so much a day for sadness and loss as it is a day for celebration.
Case in point, as I tune into Kurenai and Team 10's soft murmurings, I realize that the things they're telling Asuma aren't sad. Instead, Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji are sharing stories about their latest successful mission while Kurenai tells her late husband about how much their child has grown while said child, now 8 years old, sits nearby and stares quietly up at the clouds passing by overhead. It makes me think that perhaps Shikamaru has gone overboard with his promise to his former sensei and is influencing the child a bit too much...
Meanwhile, although this is one of the rare times that I've actually seen Naruto solemn, I can't help but crack a smile when I hear him murmur to his dad (still oh-so solemnly) what a kickass girlfriend Hinata is, much to Hinata's embarrassment.
And Kakashi isn't here to share sad news with his old teammates either. Instead, he's been telling them about our engagement and all the plans that we've made.
Perhaps in telling the dead that we miss them dearly, but that we're managing without them and our lives are good, we reassure them that their deaths were not in vain and to not worry about us. In turn, it comforts us the living and makes us feel close to our loved ones even though they may be gone. It's peace of mind for both the living and the dead. Perhaps it's for this reason that Kakashi visits the memorial stone not only on Obon, but everyday. Maybe Kakashi isn't punishing himself: He's actually making himself feel better since there's comfort and strength to be found in trying to be stronger for somebody else. Maybe he's trying to be stronger for Obito and his old team. After all, the origin of Obon comes from trying to ease the suffering of the dead:
Mokuren was a disciple of Buddha. One day he used his supernatural powers to look upon his dead mother. He discovered that she had fallen into the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and was suffering. Greatly disturbed by this, Mokuren went to Buddha and asked how he could release his mother from this realm. Buddha instructed him to make offerings to the many Buddhist monks who had just completed their summer retreat on the 15th day of the 7th month. Mokuren did so and thus, saw his mother's release. He also began to see the true nature of her past unselfishness and the many sacrifices she had made for him. Happy because of his mother's release and grateful for his mother's kindness, Mokuren danced with joy. From this dance of joy comes Bon Odori, or the Bon dance. Perhaps the simplest way to describe Bon Odori is line dancing Japanese style with all the dancers performing the same dance sequence in unison.
And here's where everything falls into place...
Because each village or city tries to integrate its own history and specialty into the Bon dance, it looks and sounds different from region to region. At old Miike Mine in Kyūshū, Japan, for example, their version of the dance, Tankō Bushi (the "coal mining song"), shows the movements of miners like digging, cart pushing, and lantern hanging. While in Konoha, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, our version involves the swaying of the arms to mimic the way the wind moves through the trees and basic taijutsu moves to reflect our ninja heritage which explains why Kakashi, Ibiki, and Chouji were - contrary to their nature - dancing so daintily, and why civilians - who aren't trained fighters - were doing punches and blocks. Meanwhile, music played during the Bon dance is not limited to Obon music. Some modern hits and children's tunes written to the beat of the "ondo," or Japanese folk music, are also used. Hence, our dancing along to the Pokémon Ondo. (1) There are other ways the Bon dance can vary from region to region. Some dances involve the use of props, like fans, towels, or small wooden clappers called "kachi-kachi."
As Japanese summer festivities go, it's tradition to wear a yukata, or summer kimono which is made of lightweight cotton instead of heavy lined silk, but wearing a yukata is still hotter than wearing modern summer clothes like shorts and a tank top. Unlike the previous summer holiday of Tanabata, however, I decide to bear and grin it and wear the traditional dress because if people are going to watch me dance the Bon Odori, I want to at least look good while I'm at it! Apparently, I'm not the only one in the same mind set since everyone else, including Kakashi, also dons the traditional robe. It's but one more successful step in getting him out of his jounin uniform (Inner Sakura pumps her fist and shouts "Shannaro!"). However, Kakashi's yukata still looks like a mere translation of his jounin uniform, the robe being olive green with a navy blue sash (Inner Sakura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Eh. He still looks smexy."). My yukata on the other hand, is a direct translation of my namesake with pale pink cherry blossoms on an otherwise plain white robe with a dark pink sash.
Respects paid and dances of joy completed, everyone disperses to the various carnival rides, games, and food booths spread throughout the village. It's to be expected. It doesn't matter where you are in the world: Holidays, as solemn as the basis of their creation may be, almost always turn into an excuse to simply kick back, relax, and have fun. A holiday wouldn't be a holiday otherwise. Besides, Obon, like Mexico's Dia de los Muertos, is meant to be a celebration because although we may all innately fear and dread death, it also serves as a constant reminder of how short and precious life is, so for heaven's sake enjoy life and live it to its fullest!
As darkness falls, people slowly head back home with stomachs full and feet sore after a day full of eating, walking, and having way too much fun, but the day isn't over yet for August 15 is also the day that we practice Tsukimi, or moon viewing. It ties in well with Obon because everyone is out and about anyway for the festival and there's just something naturally ethereal and haunting about the moon and its eery white glow.
Back at the apartment, Kakashi offers me his hand to help me climb out of our bedroom window for what better place is there to view the moon than out on your very own rooftop? The minute we step out onto the ledge, a cool breeze greets us, affirming that it's cooler outside than inside the summer-heated apartment. Using a little bit of chakra on our feet, we both easily maneuver our way across the otherwise steep and dangerous rooftop and find a spot wide enough for both of us to sit on. From our perch high above, we have a clear view of the vast, cloudless night sky and the moon that's a half crescent tonight. (2) We can also see the thousands of lit lanterns floating in serpentine patterns down Konoha's many waterways as they had on Tanabata. The practice is called Toro Nagashi and its purpose is to lead the spirits back to the Other World. It's for this reason that Obon is also called the Lantern Festival. (3)
Whether it's because I'm tired from such a full day, or because it's just more comfortable, or because I simply enjoy any excuse to be as close to my fiancé as possible, I let my head fall softly against Kakashi's shoulder and let it stay there. Kakashi neither moves nor complains. I wouldn't be surprised to see a happy eye crease if I bothered to lift my head up and look.
"You want to just go to bed?" he asks gently.
"No, I want to see the fireworks." I say with an unintended yawn.
He says nothing and again, without looking, I can just see the look on his face which I imagine to be both skeptical and worried this time. After knowing someone for 11 years, you really do start to read him like a book.
"I'm fine, Kakashi." I reassure him. "Just keep talking to me to keep me awake until the fireworks start."
"Okay...What do you want me to talk about?"
"I don't know. Anything. Just keep talking." I say sleepily.
"Okay," he says offhandedly and I feel his shoulders shrug beneath my head. "I think that maybe you should give reading Icha, Icha a try."
"WHAT?!" I shout, pulling my head quickly away from his shoulder to stare back at him in surprise.
"Well look who's awake now." Kakashi says, a mischievous sparkle in his eye.
"You're not serious, right? You just said that to shock me awake."
"No, I'm quite serious." Kakashi says calmly. "We're going to be part of each other's lives forever now, so I should probably share my interests with you."
"I'm not so sure your interests are something that I want to share." I say, raising an eyebrow up at him.
"C'mon, Sakura. How is Icha, Icha any different from reading a regular romance novel?"
"I wouldn't know! I don't read romance novels either!"
"So what have you got to lose? Trust me, Sakura, Jiraiya is an amazing writer. Even if romance novels aren't your thing, you're sure to find something to like in his stories. They're not all about sex, you know?"
"They aren't? Well that's news to me! I'm sure that's news to Jiraiya - God rest his soul - too!"
"No, they're not." Kakashi says still in that calm manner of his. "He has a lot to say about love and life in general. Sometimes you even learn some new things-"
"For the bedroom."
"No, well, actually, yeah, but there's other stuff, too."
"Like what?" I say, crossing my arms across my chest.
"I don't know. Like...how to stand up for what you believe even when - no - especially when people try to tear you down. Or how a person's worth is based on how they treat people and try to help them out and not on how a person looks or what they have. If you just get past the smutty parts you'll see what I mean."
"Are you sure we're still talking about Icha, Icha?!"
"Yes, we are. There's a reason why Icha, Icha is so popular."
"I thought it was just because of all the sex."
"For some people it is, for some people it isn't, but stories based on sex alone can only go so far. Getting off is all good and fine, but once the high fades off people want something with more substance."
"And Icha, Icha offers that - substance?"
"You just gotta get past the smutty parts." Kakashi reassures me. "...What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Kakashi asks, looking back at me worriedly.
"Yamato-teichou was right: You do have a way with words. Hand it over."
Kakashi digs into his back pouch, pulls out the bright orange book, and puts it into my waiting hand with a triumphant look in his eye.
"Love you." Kakashi says sweetly.
"Yeah, well, we'll see how you feel about that once I've got you categorizing poisons."
"Why would I-"
"You shared your interests with me, so I sure as hell am going to share mine with you!"
"But at least my interests aren't boring!"
"What are you saying?" I squint scrutinizingly back at Kakashi.
"Ahahaha! Poisons. Can't wait!" Kakashi says, nervously scratching the back of his head.
I squint at him one last time, then lay my head back against his shoulder.
After several minutes of silence, Kakashi breaks it with a quiet "I really do miss him, though."
"Who?"
"Jiraiya." Kakashi says softly.
"Let me guess why: Because you wish he could've kept writing more Icha, Icha?" I ask with a knowing smirk.
"Well, of course, but not only that, I really did respect the man. Sure, he could be a character sometimes, but he could also hold his own. I'd trust him with my life if his wasn't cut so short."
"You're right. He's just like Naruto. Sometimes he just really gets under your skin, but when it counts the most, he's there for you."
We both smile at the thought, but then another thought, a sadder one, occurs to me.
"Once you die, that's it, isn't it? No more chances to do all the things you planned to do. No more new experiences. You're just...cut off."
"Death isn't so bad. Not really." Kakashi says quietly.
When I lift my head off his shoulder to look at him, I see that he's looking up at the moon, but from the vacant look in his eye I can tell that he's not really seeing it. He's someplace else, somewhere far away. Like he's reminiscing about that place, the one we never talk about.
It's not that he avoids the subject. He spoke openly enough about it with Naruto when Naruto came to him all wide-eyed and curious like a little kid. It's just...I never asked and he never brought it up on his own. If I were to hazard to guess, it was because he didn't want to make me feel guilty and yet ironically enough, I never brought it up because I felt guilty.
Yes, I was curious, just as much as Naruto. After all, it might have answered my own questions about God and heaven, but guilt has a way of shutting you up and shutting you down. I'm a medic, after all, and because of Tsunade's mentoring, one of the best at that. Yet where was I when Kakashi needed me the most? I could've saved his life, but I didn't. I should've been at his side, but I wasn't. If Naruto hadn't talked Pein into having a change of heart...
So, I never asked.
Not him nor anyone else who was brought back to life that day, because if I asked too many questions, then maybe the person I was asking might start asking too many questions of their own. And what do you say to someone who asks you why you hadn't been there for them and why you hadn't saved their life when you could? It's not that I think so little of my friends and see them as so mean hearted, but I would know that even if they never asked that they probably still wondered those things silently in their heads, and I simply couldn't handle my own guilt and shame...
But Kakashi is right. We're going to be a part of each other's lives forever now and when you step into something as big as that, you have to learn to just let go of your inhibitions and completely open yourself up to another person as terrifying as that may be. It may leave you vulnerable, but it may strengthen you as well. So...I ask.
"What was it like, dying?"
Kakashi's gaze moves from the face of the moon to mine. He seems surprised that, after all these years, I'm finally asking, but at the same time he seems pleased by it, relieved even, like I've finally given him permission to address the elephant in the room.
And when he starts to relive the memory of his death, he doesn't seem saddened or pained by it like I had expected. Instead, his one exposed eye slightly crinkles, as if he's smiling beneath his mask.
"For me it was actually quite peaceful, like all the burdens of this world just melted away and I could finally just breathe. And it didn't feel like the end of something, it actually felt like the beginning of something new."
"I don't understand."
"When I died, this world ceased to exist, but somehow my consciousness didn't. It just...went to a different plane. I don't know how else to explain it."
"You mean you went to heaven?"
"No, not heaven, not hell either. Maybe it was a waiting room, a kind of purgatory."
"A waiting room?"
"A campsite, actually, in the middle of darkness."
"That's interesting. I thought that when you died you became like a moth, going towards the light and all that."
"Well, there was a light - from the campfire."
"There's a campfire in purgatory?"
"Apparently there is. Or maybe just in my version of purgatory...and my dad's."
"You saw your dad?"
"He was the first person I saw when I died. The only person I saw, actually."
"Wow, so what was that like, seeing your dad again?"
"Like I'd finally come home and there was nothing to be afraid of. Like I was right where I ought to be."
I say nothing, hurt by the implications of what he'd just said. Hadn't he wondered about his home here or all the people he had left behind? Hadn't he felt like this was where he needed to be? But he's too lost in his story, too pleased with the memory of his death, and it doesn't feel right to interrupt him.
"I finally got to bond with my dad." Kakashi says euphorically. "That was all I ever wanted growing up. It's what motivated me to advance through the ninja ranks at such a young age: To gain his approval, but even though he was proud of me and encouraged me when I was growing up, we never just sat down and talked the way we did around that campfire. There was no hurry, no hidden agenda, he wasn't even 'White Fang' anymore. He was just my dad." Kakashi says with warmth in his voice and in his eye. "And I was finally able to forgive him, too, because I finally understood why he left me the way he did, and that's all he ever wanted. In that one moment in time we both finally got what we wanted most from each other and were closer to each other than we ever were when we were both still alive. It's crazy, isn't it? That it's only in death that we both came to understand each other?" Kakashi laughs, shaking his head.
I wonder if Kakashi realizes how much he's just like Mokuren, having both peeked into death and come back alive, bringing with them the knowledge and understanding of the virtues and sacrifices that their parent had made. Or maybe you just have to grow older and experience more of life and the world to understand such things.
"Well, I think it's great that you both got the closure that you needed and I don't think it's crazy at all. At the hospital I've come to learn that even just the prospect of death makes people reevaluate their lives and see it clearer than when they were stuck in all its mess. You guys just needed some perspective. Of course, most of us don't go to the extreme of dying in order to gain perspective, but you don't like to do things halfway, do you?" I smirk at him.
"Now don't go saying something like that, Sakura. You'll ruin my reputation!"
"C'mon, Kakashi. We both know you weren't being lazy when you were teaching us."
"I wasn't?" Kakashi asks, the look in his eye totally confused.
"No. You just wanted to prove how much more advanced you were than us, so you barely lifted a finger."
"I did?"
"You mean you didn't?" I ask.
We both take a moment to look at each other confused. Then, we shrug our shoulders and snuggle against each other once more to stare back up at the moon. Kakashi seems fully content to sit quietly like this until the fireworks start, but one thing still bothers me.
"So you really didn't miss any of us when you died?" I ask, unable to keep the irritation out of my voice as I lift my head off his shoulder and look back accusingly at him.
Kakashi's eye widens and I see a bead of sweat trickle down his temple.
"Sakura, I was dead, but not for very long. If I had stayed dead, I'm pretty sure I would've had time to miss all of you, but in that brief moment in time I was just too happy to see my dad again who I hadn't seen in ages. You understand, don't you?"
"Yes, of course I do." I say, feeling bad now for even questioning him. "I'm sorry you had to die in the first place. I should've been there for you and I should've saved your life. I'm so sorry that I failed you and everyone else, too."
I feel his finger under my chin and then I'm no longer looking at my feet, but straight at him.
"Sakura, you need to listen to me very carefully when I say this: No one blames you for what happened that day. There was too much going on, too many of us were hurt or dying, and you could only do so much. Don't let anyone, most especially yourself, make you feel guilty for not being able to save everyone. You're human, not Pein." he says with a hint of humor in his voice.
I smile back at him, relieved. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
"Thank you, Kakashi, but I still don't know what I would've done if you never came back." I say, leaning my head back against his shoulder.
"That's really sweet of you, Sakura." Kakashi says, lifting the arm I'm leaning against to wrap it around me instead and to gently kiss me on the crown of the head. "But you shouldn't underestimate yourself either. You're stronger than when I first met you and not just in the physical sense, and knowing that, I'm sure you would've kept surviving and fighting with or without me."
"Kakashi, we both know that surviving and actually living aren't the same thing. You can keep surviving as a vegetable, but even as a medic I wouldn't count that as living, would you?"
"No, you're right, it's not." Kakashi says quietly, undoubtedly thinking back to all those times he stood catatonic in front of the memorial stone, staring at three specific names carved into its surface.
They say that it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all, and in some ways it's true. (4) At the very least you would've lived your life having experienced love, but at the same time the pain of knowing what you once had and acknowledging its loss can also make you strongly believe that ignorance is bliss. The mere thought of losing Kakashi - not being able to feel the weight of his arm around my shoulders, or breathe in his scent, or feel the warmth of his body close to mine, to only feel empty space all around me and have nothing to connect me to him but fading memories of the sound of his laugh and the way his eye crinkles when he smiles - it makes my stomach drop and my heart clench. The pain of such loss is unfathomable.
"I'm glad you decided to come back." I say quietly. "I'm glad I'm not one of those people washing your name on a cold piece of stone. It's not the same as having you right here with me."
"I'm glad I came back, too, but to be honest I don't think I really had much of a choice."
"How so?"
"In that other world, I didn't understand why I was being brought back to this one. My dad said it was probably because I still had things to do. Actually, maybe that's the reason and purpose behind being a survivor. Maybe life goes on to offer you with new opportunities you never even dreamed of. Now that I think of it...Maybe this is one of them."
"Sitting with me on a rooftop, looking up at the moon?"
"Sure beats all those years of sitting up here alone." Kakashi says, smiling down at me with a happy eye crease.
My eyes widen in realization. For as long as I've known Kakashi, how many times had I seen him sitting on the rooftops reading his book? And for all those times I never once imagined that someday I'd be sitting right next to him, contemplating life and death and planning to share our lives forever together.
"Yes, it most definitely does." I agree, smiling warmly back at him. Then, we snuggle comfortably back against each other and lift our heads up to the heavens to watch the Obon fireworks turn the starry night sky into day.
~*~*~*~
Links:
(1a) Watch the Bon Odori danced to the Pokémon Ondo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIIBjIFlzDU
(1b) Learn how to dance the Bon Odori (One of them anyway):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4EGcnahiTs
(2) Moon calender:
http://paulcarlisle.net/mooncalendar/
(3) Picture of Toro Nagashi:
http://www.eons.com/images/members/2008/7/29/1/7/17945371219540554088_610w.jpeg
(4) "Better to have love and lost..."
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/62650.html
Fact sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obon_Festival
http://gojapan.about.com/cs/japanesefestivals/a/obonfestival.htm
http://www.iobt.org/_obon_origins.php
http://gojapan.about.com/od/currentevents/tp/moonviewingevents.htm