Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: May 31st 2007, Thursday
second version: December 2nd 2008, Tuesday

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When I write stuff happening in Shikamaru’s apartment, I keep seeing my grandmother’s old apartment with her kitchen and her bedroom and bathroom; though that apartment is too small for a whole family.

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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55: I’m sure I would have known

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Naruto wouldn’t be able to touch the top of this gate even if he wore the highest high-heels he could find and stretched like his life depended on it. The gate was also way too fancy, the garden that lay on inside of the gate was about fifty times bigger than gardens should be and had plant and pond perfection that Naruto hadn’t thought existed outside castle grounds. Though... The house might be big enough to count as a castle. No. More like definitely.

Was his life actually turning into an overdramatic teenage movie? This setting reminded awfully much of the ones with the extra rich guys and girls. Naruto wasn’t sure if he should start getting worried or just stick with the gaping in disbelief.

“We’re going in here?”

“Unless you want to go back and wait at the bus stop,” Shikamaru said while he punched in a code on a panel next to the too fancy gate.

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and puffed out a deep breath. On the bright side, if someone saw him go in there with a stranger when he was supposed to be home looking after the house and decided to tell Iruka, Iruka wouldn’t believe it. ‘Yeah, right,’ he would say and laugh. ‘In Naruto’s dreams.’ It was always nice to not get grounded.

They had left the city central station and walked for about fifteen minutes; until Shikamaru had stopped at a bus sign outside a park and announced they were taking the bus from there. The bus had arrived within a minute or so. Naruto had frowned and wondered if they just got lucky or if Shikamaru was a planning freak. Maybe he and Iruka would get along very well.

Shikamaru had let Naruto have the window seat, but unlike normal days he didn’t feel at all like watching the city and smiling at all the silly things he found or marveling at the amazing ones. And unlike the last time he’d been in the city, knowing that this was where Sasuke had grown up did not make him more motivated to notice everything. Rather the opposite. He wanted back to the boring and empty, compared to this, streets of home. He just wanted to find what he came to find and bring it back with him.

There came a click from the gate, and then with a soft rattle it started to open.

“I’m coming,” Naruto muttered. Too big garden or not, moving was better than sitting around waiting any day.

Shikamaru walked through the gate and Naruto followed. The road led through the garden where nothing grew wild. Even the gravel they walked on seemed to be perfect. Not a weed in sight. Sachiko-baachan would have hated it; she had a thing about letting nature be nature.

“Don’t these guys have more security?” Naruto muttered eventually, when they had walked halfway to the house and no one had come to meet them. Just one code at the gate felt a little weak for such obviously rich guys.

“That you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there,” Shikamaru said.

“What? There are cameras everywhere or something?”

Shikamaru gave something that seemed to be a mix between a snicker and a sigh.

“You’re the one who said it,” he said and Naruto had to make a face.

The road of perfect gravel led them to the house, where it spread out and became what could be likened to the parking lot outside the biggest supermarket at home, only with less asphalt.

It was silly really. How could anyone need a house this big? It wasn’t possible for mom and dad Hyuuga to have that many kids, was it? Did they just like showing off to the neighbors? That was probably it. The neighbors had pretty big houses too, Naruto had noticed on the walk from the bus stop to the too fancy gate, but nothing like this.

“Wait here,” Shikamaru said. “I’m going to talk to the guards.”

“Right,” Naruto huffed. “Whatever.”

He looked around at the perfect bushes and the fountains with fancily cascading water. How many hours a day did the gardeners work on this place? How many gardeners were there? And how long could you be out here before you had to run for the bathroom?

“Don’t go anywhere,” Shikamaru said.

Naruto sighed.

“That’s the pretty way of saying ‘don’t get lost’, right? Now, I suppose it’s a big... backyard and all... but come on! Besides, it’s not like you couldn’t find me again with all those cameras.”

Shikamaru looked at Naruto for a moment. Did the guy have any facial expression besides that bored ‘I will fall asleep any second now’ look?

“No,” he said eventually. Slowly. “That’s the pretty way of saying ‘don’t get shot’.”

Naruto stared.

“You’re lying!” he exclaimed some seconds later.

“No,” Shikamaru said; some seriousness finally crawling in to color his look of utter boredom. “Really. Stay where you are.”

Naruto opened his mouth to argue. Come on! Of course he wouldn’t get shot. Sure the house was fancy but... but shot? For walking around in a garden? Who would shoot him? Were there ninjas or something hiding in the perfect bushes? Very stupid ninjas that couldn’t see the difference between a burglar and a kid coming for a visit? That was... That was so the wrong movie!

But in the end Naruto just sighed and flopped down on the gravel; his legs crossed. Dropped his bag with the sleepover stuff next to him.

“Fine!” he almost shouted. Hunched over, rested elbow against knee and his cheek against fist and looked away. Then he growled ‘damn rich guys...’ He saw in the corner of his eye as Shikamaru’s feet turned against the ground and moved away toward the house. Was this messing around really bringing him any closer to Sasuke?

When a door had opened and closed in the direction of the house (it even sounded like a rich house door; no welcoming creak that doors should have) the world around Naruto was silent, except for the water in the fountains. Were those bush ninjas allowed to leave their shifts to go to the bathroom or did they have to bring buckets with them? It quickly grew colder, sitting on the ground, but Naruto could be stubborn when he wanted to be.

Had Sasuke been here before? Had he heard these sounds and walked on this perfect gravel? Naruto dug half-heartedly among the small rocks with the hand that was free, but couldn’t find any dirt under it.

What would he say when he found Sasuke again? What should he say? What did he want to say? Was it possible to scream at, cry because of, kiss, punch, dump, say ‘never leave me again’ to, hug and kick a guy at the same time? At the same time Naruto wanted to say nothing. Just take Sasuke’s hand and walk him home.

He wondered what the relationship experts that got to be on TV shows would say about them and this mess they were in. Poking a finger through the gravel, he wondered whose fault it was. Was it anyone’s fault? He could see reasons for blaming everyone involved really.

He could blame Kakashi and Iruka for leaving them alone. Kakashi knew Sasuke and should have been able to figure out that something like this would happen. Iruka had told them not to do it and that it was a bad idea, but he must have known they would do it anyway. He could blame Sasuke for leaving; or for going along with something he didn’t really want to do. He could blame himself for doing it when he knew that Sasuke wasn’t sure, for falling asleep, for not knowing that Sasuke was leaving. He could see the reasons for blaming everyone like that, but... he couldn’t blame any one person. It seemed like just a sad set of events that was everyone’s and no one’s fault. Unless you went back to the source. Unless you went back many years, to the point where it went wrong for Sasuke. Unless you went back to...

Naruto was pushed from his thoughts when the door opened again. He looked up and saw Shikamaru leave the castle-like house and walk towards him.

“Have they decided not to kill me?”

Sasuke’s friend made a face of what might have been amusement, if he had been a little more expressive; or not half-asleep. The small rocks grinded against each other under his feet as he walked. Naruto caught a glimpse of a dark haired, serious-looking man in a suit before the large door closed again (no creak).

“Come on,” Shikamaru said and pulled Naruto’s attention back to him again.

“To where?”

“The training grounds. That’s where my friend is.”

Naruto looked around and frowned.

“Training grounds? I don’t see any...” Then he rolled his eyes, groaned and got on his feet. Grabbed his back pack and slung it over his shoulder. “Right. That’s the point, isn’t it? I’m not supposed to see it. Like with the cameras. It’s a secret training ground, hidden in the secret garden. Built for the secret ninja sharpshooters. Only your friend is allowed to use it too because... Hey, he lives here! Am I right? We’re just gonna go for a stroll in the garden and then you’ll shove me through a bush when I’m not paying attention, so I won’t know which bush when the enemy questions me later. Hey, your friend does live here, right? Or is he one of the ninjas?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah... Hey, does that mean he is or isn’t a ninja?”

-

‘I eat when I’m nervous and you don’t eat when you’re nervous. It’s funny. And kind of sweet, don’t you think?’

‘Yeah.’

I wonder if you are silent and still, wherever you are. If I move and talk, you should be silent and still. Shouldn’t you? We are supposed to be that different.

Are you sorry? Am I?

No. It’s not my fault. I’m not sorry. I’m sort of not sorry. At least I shouldn’t be.

If I am sorry when I shouldn’t be, are you not sorry when you should be? Should you be? Should I stop being sorry, so that you can start?

I’m sure I would have known what to feel if you stood in front of me.

-

They had to walk through a grove big and lush enough to hide what was on the other side (even in November) before Naruto could see the training grounds, so he supposed he had been sort of right when he said it was secret and hidden away. Though it did make sense in a way, if you looked at the condition of the one-story building and the ground outside. The equipment was old and worn; not broken, but it had definitely seen many years of use (in some cases abuse). The building didn’t look much better. It didn’t match the rest of the perfect castle fantasy at all. Naruto got the feeling of having walked into the wrong movie again. This was a place for serious fight training; Lee would have been hysterically excited if he had been there to see it. Naruto had to wonder how big this place really was. It seemed more like a park than a garden.

He could hear the occasional aggressive cry from within the building, though they didn’t seem to come from just one person. Some cries was darker, had to be a guy, and some were higher, most likely a girl. As they got closer, feet could be heard beating against floor as the ones inside moved and breathing could be heard as well; sometimes, when the sound of feet took a break. The walls couldn’t be very thick.

When they arrived Shikamaru pressed a button on the wall next to the door and a loud, shrill sound rang inside the building.

“It’s not safe to just walk in,” he answered before Naruto could ask the question. Naruto rolled his eyes and grumbled ‘of course not’.

For a moment they waited. The feet had stopped moving and only the breathing could be heard.

“Yeah?” a raised voice said eventually. The darker one. It sounded angry.

“It’s me,” Shikamaru said.

Muttering followed that Naruto couldn’t make out. A moment or two passed again and then the door opened with a soft creak. In the doorway stood a dark-haired girl with eyes that seemed too bright. Was that even a color? Was she sick maybe? Naruto remembered having heard about some disease that messed up your eyes. Or maybe she was blind?

But she looked right at Naruto and definitely didn’t seem as if she didn’t see him. She looked surprised to see him, almost scared for a moment but gathered herself quickly. Her skin was shining with sweat where it showed, arms and hands and neck and face, and she had roses on her cheeks that reminded Naruto of Ino in the summer on sunny days when she came back from the stables. The girl watched Naruto with that surprised, ‘not scared anymore’ look for a moment, before her eyes moved to Shikamaru.

“Who is this?” she asked. Her voice was soft enough that Naruto almost had trouble hearing what she said.

“A friend,” Shikamaru said. “He’s with Sasuke.”

“Oh,” she said and looked back to Naruto, seemed to relax a little and it was only when she did that Naruto noticed she had been tense before. A soft smile that matched her voice perfectly wandered to her lips.

“Hyuuga Hinata,” she said and bowed her head.

“Err... Uzumaki Naruto,” Naruto said and stretched out his hand. This was the friend? Shikamaru had girl friends? Naruto wasn’t sure why it felt weird, but it did. “Um, pleased to meet you.”

The girl looked at the hand for a moment, as if she wasn’t sure what to do with it. Then her smile, that had faded when Naruto’s hand was held out, returned and she lifted her hand too. She had the kind of handshake you would expect from one with that kind of voice and smile and was probably way too nice to run away from her boyfriend in the middle of the night without saying something. For a second or two Naruto was disappointed that he had been stuck with such an unfriendly wife-to-be. Why did he have to fall in love with such a troublesome guy?

“I’m sorry,” Hinata said. “I’m sweaty.”

“Oh, that’s... okay, I’ve got a friend who’s... err... sweaty pretty often too.”

Her smile grew a little bigger. Her hand slipped from Naruto’s and she looked at Shikamaru again.

“He is nice,” she said and Naruto was confused for a moment before the pieces found their place.

“He is,” Shikamaru said.

“I’ll leave you alone,” the girl turned to Naruto again. “Pleased to meet you too.”

Then she left the door and walked away. Naruto frowned and turned to watch her go the same way him and Shikamaru had come.

“Uh... Wasn’t that...?” He pointed at the leaving girl. “Then who are we supposed to talk to?”

“What do you want, Nara?”

Naruto flinched violently and spun around so quickly he almost lost his balance. A new dark-haired person stood in the doorway this time, and this one looked quite similar to the one that had just left. There were differences though, definitely.

This was a guy, first of all, and he did not seem at all as friendly and soft as the girl had been. More of a Sasuke-type of guy, though maybe not as angry-looking. This one was more... humorless and no-nonsense. Kind of like someone you would expect to find in the finest office in companies. He looked haughty too. Like he owned the world or came from a family that lived in a castle with a park for a backyard. He also had longer hair than the girl (which was pretty weird, considering who was the guy) and he was taller. They had to be related somehow though, looked similar and had the same weird pale eyes. That ruled out sickness for the girl, Hinata, though, didn’t it? Unless it was a genetic one.

And there was something else in the air around this person. Something Naruto had no idea what it was, but it still made his skin itch.

“Just talk,” Shikamaru said. His voice had taken on a slightly different tone, although Naruto couldn’t quite decide if this one was more serious or more amused. Very strange.

“So talk. I’m busy.”

“Your partner left, I’m sure you’ve got time.”

‘Oh, that’s good,’ the reasonable part of Naruto’s brain said. ‘Goad the no-nonsense guy, good idea. Didn’t you say you think better once you had slept? Does that mean you think like an earthworm when you’re tired?’ Another part (the same one that kept insisting that the skin-itching was justified) was thinking ‘serves you right, you... annoying, haughty and cool-looking... guy.’

The guy in the door didn’t say anything however, just stared at Shikamaru and waited. For a moment Naruto worried it would turn into a staring game of some sort, but before that could happen Shikamaru shifted and gave sort of a sigh.

“Right,” he said. “I’ll get to it. Before that though, in case you were wondering, this is Naruto, Sasuke’s boyfriend. Don’t believe you two have had the pleasure of meeting before. Naruto, meet my friend, Hyuuga Neji.”

It shouldn’t be possible to go from sort of neutral towards a guy to want to punch his teeth out that bad that quickly. Seriously. It shouldn’t be. For health reasons if nothing else. It could not be good for the heart to change opinions that quickly. It was like love at first sight, only in reverse and not... really first sight.

The guy threw a glance in Naruto’s direction and this time meeting the pale eyes felt like setting your insides on fire. In a bad way. Naruto wanted to do something about this right now or just crawl out of his skin and never go back. What was this feeling?

“So what do you want?” Neji asked and looked to Shikamaru again. Good for him.

He looked nothing like Naruto had imagined. Naruto didn’t remember anymore what he had imagined, but it was nothing like this. This guy, despite the creepy eyes and girly hair, looked more real than the guy in Naruto’s mind had looked. He was so... physical, so... there. Neji wasn’t just a face-less guy in a bad vision; he was an actual guy. He actually, really existed. He had skin and hands and smelled of sweat from his training. These were the hands that had touched Naruto’s boyfriend.

Had he brought Sasuke here? To this fancy house? Or worse, to this secluded spot that was meant for training but definitely could be used for other things? Would Naruto get shot by the bush ninjas if he charged the guy and what was this damned feeling?

“Just to ask some questions,” Shikamaru said. His voice sounded like it came from the other side of a water surface. Like Naruto was under and the conversation taking place was above. “You wouldn’t happen to be hiding Sasuke, would you?”

“What!?” Naruto, immediately pulled out of his lake, shouted. “He’s here!?”

One part of Naruto had noted that Neji flinched at the sudden yell and was smugly pleased; all the other parts were screaming for the bastard to say something so that they could decide whether it was okay to start hitting him or not. Bush ninjas or no bush ninjas, if Neji was hiding Naruto’s boyfriend, Neji was going down.

Other than the first flinch though, Neji seemed to be quite oblivious of how close he was to a pummeling.

“Excuse me?” he frowned.

Shikamaru probably was more intelligent than an earthworm because he threw out an arm to keep Naruto back even before Naruto had made up his mind about jumping. And it was a strong arm too; he wasn’t as weak as he looked.

“Sasuke is missing,” Shikamaru said and sounded a bit like Iruka when he got into his teacher with unruly kids to teach-mode. “I want to make sure he’s not here before I look in other places.”

Even with the waves of anger coursing through his body, Naruto noticed that the expression in Neji’s face changed; not much, but enough. He went from haughty and unfazed to invaded by a sliver of worry.

“Other places? You mean...?”

“Yes.”

And there was something there, Naruto could feel it. Something was hiding in those words that Naruto didn’t know about. The burning waves that Neji had lured out were doused in a wash of coldness and left him confused and for some reason scared.

“What places?” he asked. He and the voices sounded far away from each other again; below the surface and above it.

Neji closed his eyes for a second and gave a short, angry sigh.

“That guy is such an idiot.”

It took Naruto a while to figure out that he was talking about Sasuke.

-

Shikamaru lived in a normal apartment in a normal neighborhood. The door had an opening for mail and a sign that said ‘no advertisement’ under the sign that said ‘Nara’. As Naruto stepped through the door and took off his shoes, he wondered if this was the kind of place that Sasuke had lived in before he moved to be Naruto’s neighbor.

“My parents are out,” Shikamaru said as he turned on the light, moved to the kitchen and opened the fridge. “What do you want to drink?”

“Nothing,” Naruto said. He took off his bag and dropped it on the floor.

His head was hurting. His stomach was hurting too. It felt like there was a huge feeling inside of him that desperately wanted to be expressed; only he didn’t know what it was, or how to express it. He wondered if it had been there before as well, only hidden beneath the worry and the anger and the frustration. He felt strangely empty all of a sudden. Empty except for that big unknown feeling.

“Come have some orange juice and I’ll talk to you.”

Naruto looked up and saw Shikamaru standing in the doorway. The guy hadn’t really said anything after they had left the Hyuuga castle house; hadn’t really said anything before they left the Hyuuga castle house either; at least not since the mentioning of ‘other places’. There were a lot of things to say, Naruto knew that. The only thing he really knew now was that he knew a lot less than there was to know. But Shikamaru hadn’t said anything. Anger hadn’t worked, asking nicely hadn’t worked, reasoning hadn’t worked. Sasuke wasn’t with Neji, that much had been sorted out. Apparently they hadn’t talked for a long time, if you were to trust what Neji said and Shikamaru seemed to.

“Where is Sasuke?” Naruto tried the most important question again.

“I’m not sure,” Shikamaru said. “But I can guess and would most likely be right.”

“Then why didn’t we go there instead of here?”

Shikamaru sighed, but it was a soft, apologetic sigh.

“Come on,” he said. “No talk without juice. Vitamins are good for you.”

It was silly, but Naruto followed him to the kitchen. Didn’t know what else he could do. He felt dependent and hated it, but what could he do? There was nothing else to do but trust that this friend of Sasuke’s knew what he was doing. So Naruto sat down at the table and accepted the glass when it was offered. He took a mouthful of juice, but lost his trail of thought when the taste reached his tongue. Swallowed quickly and made a face.

“What is this?” He scrunched up his nose. “This is not Happy Cow!”

Shikamaru sat down opposite him with a glass of his own.

“No?” he said and drank. “You saw the carton.”

Naruto looked at Shikamaru and hoped the guy would confess and say he’d switched the bottles or something to... to mess with Naruto’s head. When no confession came, Naruto sighed.

“I swear,” he grumbled eventually. “The city is evil if it can mess up Happy Cow like this.”

“Are you drinking?”

“Fine, fine,” Naruto muttered; carefully brought the glass back to his lips and sipped.

It didn’t taste as awful when you were prepared for it. It wasn’t real Happy Cow, but it worked. Naruto had loved Happy Cow since he was a kid. A yellow carton with a hyper-looking orange cow and the tastiest orange juice ever. The name and the carton made no sense whatsoever for an orange juice, but Naruto supposed that was the cool thing about it.

“I think Sasuke is with a man who owns a music store downtown,” Shikamaru said when both their glasses were almost empty.

“So why haven’t we gone there to look for him?” Naruto frowned.

“Sasuke wouldn’t be hiding in the store and I don’t know where the man lives.”

“Couldn’t we go there and ask?” Naruto was getting frustrated. It made no sense. “The ones working there would know, right?”

“It’s not that easy,” Shikamaru said.

“Why?” Naruto almost shouted and slammed down his glass on the table. His head was hurting even worse. Throbbing. “I don’t get it.”

His eyes were hurting too. This was supposed to have been easy. Shikamaru was supposed to know where Sasuke was and just lead Naruto to him so that Naruto could take him back home and... and have him back! Why was it so complicated? Why did Sasuke have to run away?

“Come on,” Shikamaru said. “I’ll show you something.”

“What?” Naruto sniffled and hardened his eyes. “If it’s not about Sasuke I’m not going.”

“It is about Sasuke,” Shikamaru said and stood from his chair. “Come.”

Then he left the kitchen. Naruto wiped his eyes with his arm quickly, got off his chair and followed. He was led to a room; pretty small. There was an unmade bed, a desk with a stack of what looked like school books and a picture in a frame, a full bookcase and a chest of drawers. A mat on the floor and some clothes. For some reason it was hard to decide whether the room was messy or in order.

“What do you want to show me?” Naruto asked.

“This.”

Shikamaru had walked over to the bookcase and pulled out what looked like a small album. He held it out and Naruto reached for it.

“What’s this?” he frowned. It was an album. The front said ‘PHOTO’, the cover was in good condition. Naruto opened up a page and his heart jumped when he saw a small version of Sasuke.

How old could he be? Ten? But that was no look for a ten year old that got his photo taken. He looked so serious. So angry and so upset with the world. He wore the same kind of dark clothes as he did now; his hair was messy.

Naruto turned pages and found more photos, more small versions of Sasuke. Shikamaru was there too, of course, in most of the pictures. There were birthday parties and school ceremonies and everyday life things.

The more photos Naruto watched, the more tears gathered in his eyes. It was sad. So, so sad. Younger Sasuke wore only one expression, on all the photos. His eyes, his postures, his everything, said only one thing. ‘I don’t want to be here.’

“Those are the oldest ones I’ve got,” Shikamaru said. “He didn’t really smile back then. Faked it sometimes when he had to, but never for the camera.”

Naruto swallowed and wiped at his eyes before the tears could fall and spoil the album.

“I don’t have any photos of him,” he said.

“He told you what happened, didn’t he?” Shikamaru said. “How he lost his family.”

“Yeah,” Naruto breathed. He sniffled and noticed that his hands were shaking, slightly.

“He will never get rid of that. You can never erase that for him.”

“I never thought that! I just...! I just want to... I want him to be happy.”

“That’s what we all want,” Shikamaru said. “That’s what I want and that’s what Kakashi wants. What all his psychologists have wanted.”

Naruto closed the album and clenched his hands around it. Looked to the floor where a younger Sasuke had slept on a mattress years ago when he and Shikamaru had had a sleepover. It had been in one of the photos.

“But it’s not that easy,” Shikamaru continued. “It’s not about us. If he doesn’t want to be happy then no one in the world can...”

“If you think you can talk me into giving up on him, then you really are an earthworm,” Naruto said. The steadiness and determination in his voice amazed even him. He looked up and saw that Shikamaru looked surprised; as surprised as his tired expression would let him. Naruto pushed the album back into Shikamaru’s hands.

“I’m not letting him go.”

For a moment they just stood there, watching each other; Shikamaru holding the album and Naruto with his fists clenched. When the moment was over Shikamaru sighed.

“Aren’t you getting tired already?” he asked.

Naruto grinned without joy.

“He’s worth it.”

“No,” Shikamaru said and sighed again. “Really. You’re tired, aren’t you?”

Then he pushed Naruto on the chest.

He really was tired; Naruto noticed when his legs failed to cooperate as he told them to keep him steady. He stumbled, his head spun. His vision spun as well and didn’t stop when he hit the softness of the bed as it was supposed to. He had trouble keeping his eyelids open all of a sudden.

“Okay,” he mumbled, or more like slurred. “I’m tired.”

“Good,” Shikamaru said. His voice sounded far away, as if Naruto was already sleeping. “You’ll wake up around noon tomorrow. I’ll explain then.”

“What...? Hey, I don’t wanna...”

“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

The last thing Naruto heard before he was pulled into unconsciousness was Shikamaru’s feet against the floor and a door closing. No creaks.

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