What the New Year Brings

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! ^_^

Chapter 57-Something to be Thankful For

In the darkness of the bedroom lit only by pale moonlight, I notice a forlorn face looking at me from across the room.

He always did have such a sad looking face. Then again, that's exactly what made me always reach out for him when I was younger, what made him my favorite above all the rest. When I was happy, I wanted to cheer him up, and when I was sad like I am now...

"I know exactly how you feel." I murmur, picking Bunny up from the dusty bookshelf and hugging him tight against my chest.

Dark, wet splotches begin to appear on the top of his furry head, but he's used to it by now. He simply soaks them all in, absorbing the tears until they've finally run dry and I feel better again. He always was a comfort to me, which only makes me feel even more guilty for abandoning him, for putting him aside because I thought I was too old for him. At least I didn't throw him away like in The Velveteen Rabbit.

In truth, you can never really outgrow whatever makes you feel safe and secure. Even the toughest of us, the ones who refuse to admit to doing such things, do.

We do it when we curl up in the fetal position when we're severely hurt or scared or both.

We do it when we call our mom on the phone to tell her how badly our day went just to hear her say "It'll be okay" the way she used to when we were younger.

We do it when we somehow find our way back at our parents' house when we have no place else to go.

Yes, we all do it. When you're scared enough, lonely enough, hurt enough, we all go back to our security blanket whatever form it may take: person, place, or thing.

As for me, I did all of the above in the span of just a few hours since I stormed out of the apartment Kakashi and I share.

It's strange being back at home. Once you leave your parents' house, you never really imagine going back. I mean, why would you, right? You've finally gained your independence, so why would you ever consider forfeiting it?

Because life has a cruel sense of humor and its sole purpose seems to be to mess with you. Because a few months ago, your apartment lease ran up and it didn't make any sense to renew it because you were practically living at your boyfriend's apartment anyway, so you two decided to make it "official" by grabbing the rest of your things and start living together living together.

Then one day, you two get into a huge fight, you run away, and find yourself out in the middle of the street, in the middle of the night, with no place to go because you don't have your own place to go home to now.

Taking refuge at your best friend's place is out of the question because she's way too nosy and loudmouthed and you know she'll hound you about what happened, so you go into auto mode and go to your parents' house instead.

Your parents will want to hound you, too, but at least they're used to you shouting "I don't want to talk about it!" and slamming your bedroom door closed. They just assume you're back to the moody teenager you were before you left and actually give you time to cool off, letting you come talk to them when you're ready because they're your parents, they know you too well, and they're required by law to put up with stupid shit like that.

As I hold Bunny up, I see from the corner of my eye a shadowy figure dart right outside my bedroom window. Instinctively, my heart jumps both in shock and fear, but almost immediately my ninja training kicks in, quickly trading fear for anger: Anger that someone is trying to break in, anger that they chose my window to do it by, and most importantly, anger that they're threatening my family. I knit my eyebrows together and clench my fists.

Anger can come in handy sometimes, making you bold where fear makes you weak.

Slowly putting the stuffed animal down, I turn all my attention towards my balcony and slowly, quietly, inch my way towards it. With chakra already channeled into my fists, I'm prepared to fight off whoever this idiotic intruder may be. They picked the wrong girl to mess with.

As I get closer, I see that the figure is tall, taller than me, and lean, not bulky. He shouldn't be too difficult to take down. Coming closer still, the figure becomes even more defined, revealing high, spiky ha-

Kakashi.

For a fleeting second I lower my guard down then bring it back up again. I'm still angry at him and wouldn't mind beating him up a little simply out of spite. If anything, the intruder bit just makes for a convenient alibi...

Oh, I'm SO sorry! I thought you were an intruder!

Inner Sakura is rubbing her hands together, egging me on with an evil, mad professor smile on her face, but another part of me is also glad and relieved to see Kakashi again. So ignoring Inner Sakura despite her vehement protests, I release the chakra from my fists and gently slide the glass door to my balcony open.

"Hi." Kakashi says quietly, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly the way he usually does when he's nervous.

"Hi." I answer back, neither running straight back into his arms or yelling angrily at him either. I'm playing it by ear and how I react all depends on what he has to say next.

"I'm sorry." Kakashi begins (nice start even Inner Sakura has to admit). "I never meant to make you mad and I never meant to hurt you. You know that's the last thing I would ever want to do to you."

"I know." I admit, knowing that if anything, Kakashi has always been the one to protect and comfort me, not be the cause of the pain. "But at the same time, Kakashi, I was trying to tell you something that's been bothering me for a while, something important, and you pretty much blew me off with a sex joke!"

"I know. I'm sorry, but I didn't know what else to do. You were obviously upset, so I thought that if I lightened things up a bit that you might calm down."

"With a sex joke?!"

"I'm really sorry." Kakashi repeats, a drop of sweat trailing down his temple. "But those are the only kinds I know!"

Inner Sakura does a facepalm while I simply shoot Kakashi my best "You've gotta be kidding me, right?" look.

"Listen, Sakura, I've never done this before."

"What, think about something other than sex?"

"No, be in a relationship that's lasted this long before. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the right thing is to say when you're upset with me like this."

"What are you talking about? You've seen me lose my temper before."

"Well, yeah, but I'm used to you blowing up at Naruto instead." Kakashi says sheepishly. "My point is that I'm trying to be the best boyfriend for you that I can be, but I will fall short sometimes because this is all new to me and I'm just doing the best that I can as I go."

"And you think that I know what I'm doing? I haven't been in a long term relationship either. If anything, I thought you were the one who knew what he was doing since you're older and more experienced and supposedly know more than I do."

"To be honest, Sakura, I don't think it matters how old you are or how experienced in relationships you think you are because no matter what, we're all just trying to figure things out as we go and act like we know what we're doing while we're at it. Anyway, I'm really sorry about the sex joke. It was bad timing on my part and I didn't mean to offend you."

"Thank you, Kakashi. I'm glad to hear you say that."

"You're welcome, but out of curiosity - and again, please don't get offended. I just want to figure out what I did wrong so that I don't do it again in the future - but why did that joke make you so upset in the first place?"

I look back at Kakashi thinking that all men really are dense, even the ones who are supposed to be geniuses! Then again, he seems sincere and I can't expect him to read my mind, nor do I expect him to, but seriously, he can figure out how to bring an entire organization of S-class criminals down, but he can't figure this out? It's like the guy who can get sports statistics down pat or figure out how to make some complicated piece of technology to work, but he can't figure out for himself when he's being a complete Neanderthal?! Bakas, the lot of them!

"The reason I got upset was because I was asking you to take me seriously, but you made a joke instead and not only that, but the joke you made made me think that all you're after is sex."

"Oh, I see..." Kakashi says in comprehension.

Well what do you know? Neanderthals can understand the obvious.

"But Sakura, if all I wanted was sex, then I'd be running around the village sleeping with anything that walks, but I don't nor do I want to. What I do want is to have the person I enjoy talking with and laughing with and who understands me to still be there even after the sex. What I want is a relationship, not just a means to get off. And I don't want just any relationship either, I want one for life and with only one person...you. That's why I asked you to marry me, because you're not just a plaything to me. If you had any idea of just how much you mean to me, any clue what would happen to me if I were to lose you-"

And yet I do.

When I woke up in a hospital bed not so long ago with Kakashi sitting right next to me looking practically half dead himself, I knew.

It had reminded me of a story I had read when I was younger. It was about a boy and his dogs, but it's always the dogs that I remember most. They were a boy and a girl and when one of them died, the other one lost the will to live and died soon after. When the boy went to visit his dogs' graves, he found a red fern growing on top of the graves. The story was called Where the Red Fern Grows.

I've heard similar stories involving elderly couples, people who have seen the milestones of their lives come and go: wedding anniversaries and their children having their own children....And when one of the spouses finally died, the other lost the will to live and soon passed away themselves.

To see my near death have the same effect on Kakashi, a man who isn't even my husband yet...

"I do know." I admit. "Because I feel the same way about you, but that's also why I got so mad at you in the first place. Didn't you see me falling apart once Sasuke and then Naruto left? Didn't you see that I needed you, too? But instead, for almost 3 years I barely even saw you. It's like I had lost you, too."

Kakashi's one exposed eye widens and at last, he finally seems to understand.

"Sakura, do you remember how we didn't talk about my death for years because you were afraid I'd blame you for it?" he asks gently. "Well, for me it was the same thing. I thought you'd blame me for not stopping Sasuke from leaving. I thought my being around would only remind you of how I failed and hurt you even more."

"Oh, Kakashi. I tried to stop Sasuke from leaving and failed! I even told him that I loved him and he still left! Nothing any of us could've said or done would've stopped him from leaving, so I certainly wouldn't have blamed you for it! And didn't it ever occur to you that everyones leaving was exactly the reason why I needed you to stay? We were members of the same broken team. We could've been there for each other at least, and even if there was only you and me left, we would've still been Team 7. We would've been something Sasuke and Naruto could come home to."

Kakashi looks both solemn and defeated and we both stay silent for a while. We're told not to linger in the past and not worry about how things could've been, but it's human nature to do so anyway.

"Sakura, you should've looked for me and told me all this. If I had just known how you felt, if I had known how much you needed me..."

"I tried, Kakashi, but whenever I asked Shishou about you, you were either off on some mission you volunteered for or just weren't anywhere to be found. It's like you were avoiding me."

"I was." Kakashi admits quietly. "Missions were a way for me to stay out of your way. They were also the one thing that kept me going. I thought that if I was just out there, then I'd hear or see something that would help us find Sasuke. My intentions were good, but I guess they did more harm than good."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I say, repeating the old proverb.

"Yeah, I guess so." Kakashi says ruefully. "At least now we know it's better to talk things out than let them fester and get worse."

"I just wish we didn't have to learn it the hard way. It would've saved both of us a lot of trouble."

"Maybe, but if things come too easily to you, then you just take them for granted and don't really learn anything that way either...What?" Kakashi asks, his one exposed eye going wide in confusion at the face I'm making at him.

"Nothing." I say, shaking my head. "I guess I'm just going to have to get used to that kind of talk seeing how I am going to marry an older, more mature man."

"And here I thought you saw me as a good-for-nothing perv with a one track mind." Kakashi says good-humoredly.

"I still do, but we established a while ago that you're a perv with substance. Sometimes the 'substance' part just gets clouded over by horniness, that's all."

Kakashi looks at me, trying to gauge whether I'm serious or not. After seeing a quirk of a smile on my lips, he smiles, too, then starts laughing. It's good to hear his laughter again and it's contagious, making me laugh also.

After a while, we both quiet down again, but this time things feel much better between us.

"And I'm sorry, too." I say quietly. "I'm sorry that I blew up at you. It's just that...you hurt me and when someone hurts me, I want to hurt the other person back, make them feel what I'm feeling. I know it's wrong and I try not to do it, but that's what I usually end up doing anyway."

"No, I understand. I think we all do that sometimes."

"You don't. I don't ever remember you getting mad at anyone except enemies we run into on missions."

"I do...in my own way."

"Like when?"

"Like that time Naruto and Sasuke almost killed you on the hospital rooftop with their stupidity."

"I don't remember you getting mad back then. From what I remember, you reasoned with everyone in a calm and collected manner."

"Yeah, but you should've seen me when I got home. Pakkun wanted to know what exactly the dining table did to make me so mad."

"But you don't have a- Ooohhh..." I say in realization. "Well, either way, I'm really sorry that I blew up at you. I'll try to work more on controlling my temper, maybe even practice on Naruto and Sai. If anybody gets on my nerves, nobody does it better than those two, and if I can learn to breathe and count to ten before jumping down their throats, then I think I have a pretty good chance of controlling my temper around you."

"Thank you, Sakura." Kakashi says, looking genuinely relieved to hear me say that. "And I promise that I'll take you more seriously and teach you something new and not just in the bedroom either, but I wasn't lying to you when I said that I'm not holding back on you. You and Naruto have surpassed your mentors, the Sannin themselves. Do you know what that means? Not only have you surpassed me, but you've surpassed my teacher's teacher as well. You've simply become stronger than me, but I'll dig into the thousand or so jutsus I've copied over the years and maybe we can come up with your own original jutsu or something. We'll figure out a way to make you stronger than you already are and heaven have mercy on whoever you use that power against!"

"Thank you, Kakashi." I say, finally closing the distance between us and hugging him tight around the waist.

Kakashi wraps his own arms around me and gently kisses me on the top of the head.

"You're welcome," he murmurs. "I owe it to you. It's been a long time coming."

"Yes, it has!" I laugh, burying my face into his chest.

And for once, ever since our fight began, I feel like I can finally breathe again. A tremendous weight has just been lifted off my shoulders and I'm truly grateful for it, and from the way I feel Kakashi's body relax against mine, I can tell that he's grateful for it, too.

Yes, you can never really outgrow whatever makes you feel safe and secure whether it be a person, place, or thing, and for me, Kakashi has and always will be my refuge.

As we go back into the house to say goodbye to my parents instead of jumping off the balcony without a word of where I'd gone, I again catch from the corner of my eye Bunny looking forlornly at me from the bookshelf, causing me to pause in my steps.

"What is it?" Kakashi asks, already halfway out the door.

"Nothing. I just forgot something." I say, quickly picking Bunny up and tucking him into the crook of my arm before quietly closing the door of my childhood bedroom behind me.

Kakashi gives the stuffed animal in my arm a curious look, but says nothing. He just smiles that happy eye crease smile of his.

He can tease me about it all he wants later for all I care because Bunny is not just a plaything to me either. He means something to me.

So walking down the staircase with Kakashi, I ignore the "Where did he come from?" look on both my parents' faces and just smile warmly back at Kakashi instead because at least now I know that we can weather a storm no matter how bad it gets.

Besides, I've already decided on a perfect new spot for Bunny...He'll do just fine sitting right next to Mr. Ukki.

To be continued...

Sorry, no make up sex in this one. It would have defeated the purpose if they had sex after he had just said he didn't want her just for sex.

Anyway...

"Bunny" is shown very, very briefly on a bookshelf in Sakura's bedroom in Shippuden episode 74 "Under the Starry Sky" right before she opens the door. Yes, I know. I'm waaay too obsessed with Naruto! ^^; Here's a http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-521716/naruto-shippuden-74/