Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 19th 2007, Tuesday
second version: December 9th 2008, Tuesday

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This is the second time I’ve written Orochimaru and... I get this feeling that what he says and does has nothing to do with who he is. The only thing I get is what he wants; his purpose. Usually when I write a character, what they say and do shows me both what they’re after and who they are. They get a personality through their actions and their words. This guy however, does not get a personality. It’s just not showing. I have no idea who he is.

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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57: And the snake watches snow falling in silence

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Sasuke sat on the floor; in front of him was the window and behind him a dark room. He had a glowing cigarette between his fingers and the pack it had come from beside him, together with an ashtray. A snake’s head was resting in his lap, the rest of the creature curled up behind him. The music playing in the living room gave the apartment a heavy, rhythmical trembling but the door to the room was closed.

On the other side of the window was darkness where thousands of lights had been sprinkled; moving lights, still lights, colored lights. Almost too many lights for it to be called darkness. The city. Cars, stores, clubs. People walking, working, dancing, running. Laughing. Crying. Living. Trying to escape. Expensive clothes and shoes with markings that everyone recognized. CDs. Stray dogs. Trains and buses. Whores and criminals. Police officers and firefighters. It had seemed so much more impressive from the street that Naruto’s house was on. More than a day had passed now, since they were together in the bed in that house on that street.

When the meal Jiroubou had prepared for him was eaten and the sky had darkened even more, Sasuke had asked for a towel and locked himself in the bathroom for that shower, finally. Undressing had been less complicated than one part of him thought it was supposed to be; strangely normal; strangely the same as always. As if nothing had changed.

As his skin was uncovered, there had been no sudden awareness of ‘the last time I undressed completely, I had not been alone. I had not even been responsible for the undressing.’ Sasuke had thought those things, but they had not affected him like that one part of him thought it should. He had allowed the last piece of Naruto’s slightly oversized clothing, the underwear, to fall down his legs without hesitation.

The only thing that was really different about this undressing, compared to all the other ones Sasuke had had in his life, was the reminder; the dull complaint in his body when he shifted his legs or his hips, reminding him of what had happened in that bed in that house on that street. But what made the most impact on Sasuke during the time he spent locked in the bathroom was not the dull ache of his body. It was the markings he found when his borrowed clothes fell away to uncover him. The soft, colored stains covering his skin.

Logically Sasuke knew that this was nothing. He had been kissed like this before; been covered in markings like this and much worse than this. Before by Naruto and before Naruto. There were not even that many stains this time, and they were not that visible. But it was different. These markings were different somehow. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t taken notice of them before. It made him want to turn away from the mirror at the same time as it kept his eyes there.

The water of the shower had been near scalding hot and on the border of too painful, still it hadn’t kept his attention from wandering to the stains again and again. Sasuke was so caught up in them that it was only when the heavy, rhythmical trembling started that he realized that the others had come back and started his ‘welcome home’ party.

He barely had time to leave the bathroom before a drink was pushed into his hand and a flurry of red-haired woman threw an arm around his neck.

‘Welcome home, Uchiha!’ she had screamed into his ear, because the music had been that loud. ‘Drink! If you’re not puking before midnight I’ll kick your ass!’

The smile had been a reflex; as had the taking a swig of the liquid in the glass in his hand. Tayuya had laughed as his eyes squeezed shut at the heavy taste of alcohol.

‘Now keep that up!’

She had slapped him on the back, pushed away and headed off toward the living room. Sasuke had grimaced again at the bitter taste in his mouth. He had had a strong feeling that if he hadn’t showed up, they would have celebrated the fact that it was Saturday.

He had stayed with the party for a while, sitting in the couch built for eight big guys and screaming short and shallow conversations about nothing really. He had assured that the life in the shitty town sucked, because that was all the people here wanted to know. He had smiled now and then, when it was expected. He had emptied glasses and smoked. Orochimaru didn’t throw fits about smoke in his living room.

The man himself had for most parts of the evening been away. He had showed up now and then to say something (even with the music he hadn’t needed to scream) or stand in the doorway to the living room for a moment and just watch, but then he had disappeared again as quickly as he had come. Sasuke had supposed the man had things to do. He didn’t know exactly what was involved in running a gang, but assumed it had to be enough to keep one busy.

Sasuke had left the couch eventually, fairly quickly for being him, legs interesting and the dull reminder of Naruto and the sex drowned in intoxication. Or had he just gotten used to it? He hadn’t been sure. His head had been spinning.

And now Sasuke sat almost alone in the room where he had slept from early Saturday morning to late Saturday afternoon, watching the lights from above. Distanced from the party and the people. He felt distanced on the inside as well. He was not a part of this place. This was not his home, not this apartment and not this view. This was not a place where he could stay. While he had not planned to stay, knowing in his heart that for some reason he couldn’t was painful. He would have liked to have been given a choice, but he didn’t belong here.

The music grew louder as the door opened and then muffled again when it closed some moments later. Sasuke could feel that he was not alone.

“You’re missing from your party.”

“It’s my party,” Sasuke said without taking his eyes from the view. “I’m allowed to be missing.”

There came a soft chuckle from the door and then the soft sound of feet without shoes against floorboards as Orochimaru moved closed. He sat down beside Sasuke, next to the body of the snake.

“Of course,” the man said. “You’re allowed to do whatever you want here.”

Sasuke closed his eyes for a moment, then swallowed and turned his head around to look at his host. He couldn’t remember ever having seen him sit on the floor before and it didn’t seem to fit with the confidence, pride, authority and the slight, evil-looking amusement the man always carried around. He looked misplaced.

“And you can stay for as long as you like,” Orochimaru continued. “If you have to leave, come back whenever you feel like it. As long as I’m around.”

It sounded cheesy and like it hadn’t been said at all, but conjured by Sasuke’s drunken mind. Only his drunken mind usually wasn’t that cheesy.

“Okay,” Sasuke said.

‘I don’t belong here,’ his mind whispered.

Orochimaru leaned over and grabbed a hold of Sasuke’s hand; fiddled his fingers apart and stole the cigarette. He took a lungful before handing it back, just like Shikamaru used to do, but this felt different in a way. It felt less ‘we’re friends’, though Sasuke couldn’t put his finger on what the reason for that was. Maybe because the man was taller; because he had longer hair and didn’t look as bored.

When Sasuke pulled a new cigarette from the pack on the floor and handed it over, the man’s slight, evil-looking amusement grew to an evil-looking smile. He leaned closer again to light it against the already glowing cigarette between Sasuke’s lips.

Sasuke wondered, not for the first time, how much truth there was to Kakashi’s constant ranting about old geezer pedophiles. Probably more truth than there was untruth, but for some reason it seemed to lack significance. The bigger part of Sasuke didn’t care.

They smoked in silence for a moment while watching the darkness with its lights. Sasuke finished the cigarette he had, took out another one and lit it on Orochimaru’s.

What did the man get out of this anyway? Sasuke couldn’t help but wonder. Somehow it felt wrong with an adult having so much time on his hands that he could sit smoking on the floor with a teenager. Wasn’t he supposed to be busy? Being a gang leader and all? Kakashi would start another paranoid rant if Sasuke told him about this when they met next time; he would go on about there being filthy reasons behind everything and a fruit looking okay on the outside didn’t mean it wasn’t rotten at the core.

But Sasuke knew all those things. He wasn’t some innocent kid that had grown up sheltered and needed to be told that the world could be scary. Sasuke knew, probably much better than Kakashi did, what kind of things the world could treat you with. He knew, but that did not mean he wanted to hide in his room for the rest of his life to avoid more hurt; if that had been his intention he would have stayed hospitalized. He didn’t want to live afraid. Besides, Sasuke highly doubted that Orochimaru could hurt him more than he had already been hurt. He highly doubted that anyone could.

“It shows, did you know that?” the man suddenly broke the silence and Sasuke turned his attention from his thoughts and his gaze from the city. A shiver wandered through him, as if he already knew what showed, but he asked anyway. Orochimaru was still looking out the window.

“What?”

“When you lose your virginity.”

Sasuke felt like laughing in the middle of everything. It was embarrassing, yes. It sent many hot and cold streams of temperature racing through his body and raised questions like ‘what the fuck?’ and ‘really?’ and ‘where are you going with this?’ But if this was the world’s response to his “challenge” that he been hurt much worse than he could ever be hurt here, the world was either a retard or needed to do some more thinking.

“Something changes in the eyes,” Orochimaru continued and then he finally turned away from the view to look at Sasuke. Because of the subject Sasuke couldn’t help but wonder how those eyes had looked when that man was still a boy.

“That sounds made up,” Sasuke said, swallowed and wondered if his face was warm because of the alcohol or the conversation. Had it been this warm before? He could feel the reminder between his legs again, like a whisper. Naruto had changed his eyes?

“Yes, doesn’t it?” the man chuckled. He looked back to the window and put the cigarette to his lips. “I could see the change in your eyes when you walked through the door. I was disappointed in a way, in another I was proud. Who was it?”

‘Why were you disappointed?’ Sasuke wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure why. He knew what the answer would be, didn’t he? ‘Because I wanted to do it myself.’ Sasuke found himself wondering again if it would have hurt as much if it had been someone else, someone other than Naruto. Was it only Sasuke’s fault or should the blame be placed on both of them? He was fucked up and sick in the head, but was that the only thing that had gone wrong? One part of him said ‘no’ and one part of him said ‘yes’. He decided that it didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he could take it back. Had his eyes really changed?

“Just a guy,” Sasuke muttered. It was a lie but he didn’t want to elaborate. Not now. He felt restless, nervous. He felt like something was about to happen, or was already happening. “Why proud?”

“Because sex isn’t something that should be avoided,” Orochimaru said and there was no trace of amusement in his voice anymore. He took his eyes from the window and placed them on Sasuke again. “Because it means you’re finally growing up.”

At that Sasuke was invaded by ice and he dropped his gaze to his hands. He felt something stir in his stomach. Nausea.

“I’ve been growing up since I was born,” he said quickly and gritted his teeth. He hated the painful thickness growing in his throat and the burning behind his eyelids when he closed them.

“No,” Orochimaru said. “You haven’t.”

Sasuke felt his stomach turn and his whole being tensing up. He didn’t want to hear. He was overwhelmed with desire to scream ‘shut up!’

“Growing up is something we choose,” the man continued.

He didn’t want to be told that it had been his intention.

“And you have been avoiding it for a long time.”

‘Why are you crying over something that you wanted all along?’

Sasuke’s fingers dropped their grip on the cigarette and he threw the hand over his mouth. As if it had known for a long time what would happen, the snake moved to let Sasuke get to his feet, turn, stumble and get to the door. Sasuke staggered through the apartment, draped in loud music and voices again, struggling desperately to keep the content of his stomach from escaping; fortunately no one was occupying the bathroom. For the second time since Naruto had left his body, Sasuke made it to the toilet before he threw up.

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I don’t understand why it matters. I feel like an idiot, like the stupidest, stupidest idiot. It shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t hurt this much. It has to be the sickness in my head. It has to be because I’m fucked up. It has to be Itachi’s fault.

I can’t ever go back to ‘before’.

‘Before’ is the place where I still have the option to go back to the skin of what used to be, the skin of what I had before Itachi decided that our parents should be murdered. It’s not the physical things. It’s not the house on the street where the lawns were neatly cut in the summer and presented children’s creations of snow in the winter. It’s not my room or our kitchen or the family car. It’s not mother taking us to school and daycare or father sometimes coming home so late that we had dinner after the evening kid’s shows on TV.

The skin is the inside things. The things I looked forward to. Growing taller, my birthday, snow, Christmas, school; getting to sit in the kitchen at the table like my brother and do homework. It is the things that I was and what I believed in. It is my heart and the childish innocence I had.

I left that skin behind me when that world was torn apart. I ripped it off my body and threw it on the ground and then ran as fast as I could, as far as my legs could carry me. It was too painful to stay. Impossible, impossible to keep those things and live with what had happened.

I suppose I thought it was gone, that skin. Lost and gone and would never come back and that was just fine. I didn’t need a heart that was that vulnerable and helpless; that weak. I thought it was lost.

But somehow, in some part of me, I kept the memory of that skin and how to get to it; if only for the comfort of knowing I had it in me and that I could go back, I just chose not to. It wasn’t all lost to me. If I only managed to get myself sorted out enough and made up my mind, I could go back and it wouldn’t be like before, but it would be something.

I wouldn’t have to be this fucked up person that I had become. I could be... more normal. I could care for the people I care for like a normal person would. I wouldn’t worry Kakashi anymore. I would be a better friend to Shikamaru, and Neji and the others. I would do my best to get along with Iruka.

I wouldn’t run away and hide myself from Naruto. I would tell him of all those good, warm things that he wraps around me and that I never want to be rid of.

I would be able to forgive my brother, because it wasn’t his fault. I would be able to go visit him alone and without receiving safety pills afterwards.

I would be able to go visit my parents’ grave.

But it’s lost to me now. That skin I left behind has dried up and died away. If I follow that trail in my memory I won’t find what I’m looking for. I won’t find anything.

I’m left with the fucked up person that I have become.

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When Sasuke left the bathroom the apartment had gone silent. The music had been turned off and the people celebrating had either moved to a bedroom or fallen asleep on the couch. There were empty beer cans and various bottles scattered in the living room; along with leftover snacks and a cake that Sasuke assumed was the one Jiroubou had suddenly decided he wanted to make last night, not long before Sasuke had left the party. Someone had spilled some translucent fluid on the floor.

As he passed the kitchen Sasuke had to stop in the doorway to look at view. The sky was covered with clouds and they lacked the usual amazing colors. Thin, small flakes were fluttering down from sky toward the ground. It was early Sunday morning and snowing for the first time that year.

He had fallen asleep on the floor next to the toilet, a mix of the alcohol and exhaustion dragging him from consciousness. Before he did he had cried. He had cried until he ran out of tears and his eyes were so swollen he could barely see. Sasuke couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like that. If he hadn’t been so exhausted and his brain so occupied by that strangely bemused after-major-crying emptiness, he would have felt pathetic. Fifteen years old and crying like a kid... Damn.

But because sleep on bathroom tiles didn’t do much for recovering energy, he only felt that bemused emptiness. Oh, and a killer headache, though that could be from the drinking, he supposed. His eyes still felt swollen. He didn’t need a mirror to know he looked like shit. Sleep on tiles didn’t do much for recovering anything really, when Sasuke thought about it; you only lost hours. Or got rid of them, depending on how you chose to see it.

When he opened the door to his room for the weekend, Sasuke was surprised to find Orochimaru still sitting on the floor where he had been sitting hours ago, looking out the window. The snake was curled around him like it had been curled around Sasuke, head in the man’s lap. Both the man and the snake shifted and looked toward the door when it opened. Sasuke found himself hesitating in the door. If you could see silly things like ‘this guy has sexual experience these days’ in a person’s eyes, you were probably quite capable of seeing ‘this guy cried so hard his eyes wanted to bleed last night before he fell asleep on my bathroom floor’.

“S-Sorry,” Sasuke said eventually. He entered the room and closed the door behind him again. Though he wasn’t quite sure what he was apologizing for. Looking like shit? Misuse of the bathroom for an entire night? He wondered how many had been forced to run in panic to other floors. When he thought more about it he realized, with embarrassment, that someone must have told the guys to leave the bathroom alone, because no one had come to bother him. Maybe he should be saying ‘thanks’ instead of ‘sorry’.

“Sit down,” Orochimaru said, his voice carrying a tone of ‘don’t be shy’. He wore one of his evil-looking ‘it’s just the way I smile’ smiles.

Sasuke gave a soft, tired sigh that wasn’t meant to be heard, moved closer and sat down where he had been sitting before. He took the offered cigarette and accepted the flame of the lighter the man had produced from some pocket. He would have preferred a pill for his head instead but nicotine was better than nothing.

The snow swirled outside the window and Sasuke saw that the world below had whitened. It was the first of December today, wasn’t it?

Sasuke found himself wondering what Naruto was doing. What should he be doing? What did people do this early on Sunday mornings? Sleep, probably. So what was he dreaming?

Naruto told Sasuke about his dreams sometimes; strange and funny dreams that made Sasuke smile and shake his head and mutter ‘you’re weird’. Sometimes Naruto got defensive and said that dreams were supposed to be weird. ‘I bet your dreams are even weirder!’ and sometimes he grinned and agreed; nuzzled Sasuke’s neck and cuddled and made Sasuke feel warm.

For some reason the distance between them made Naruto feel stronger and taller and more mature. It was like Sasuke’s mind forgot that the blond was actually silly, loud, an idiot (a nice one, but still an idiot) and annoyingly stubborn sometimes. From this room, despite protests from some parts of him, Sasuke saw other things. He saw that scary amount of wisdom that showed up when it was needed the most. He saw the good heart; Naruto was never cruel to anyone. Sasuke saw the smiles and the gentleness and the light. He saw the faithfulness; even though Sasuke had probably been a pain more often than not, Naruto had stayed with him.

How the hell could he have managed to get together with such a... such a gem of a guy? Without realizing it. He hadn’t even... hadn’t even tried, had he? Quite the opposite, he had tried not to. It felt unreal.

Sasuke felt his stomach flutter.

His head was still hurting, his eyes were still swollen and life was still a mess. But for some reason he felt... he felt happy. No, grateful. Amazed. Sasuke found himself smiling. Crazy.

“It was my boyfriend,” Sasuke said and broke the early Sunday morning silence. He couldn’t stop smiling. “That changed my eyes. Not just a guy.”

That evening they had spent in that bed that was so far away now, the reason Sasuke was here in the first place, thinking about it still made Sasuke’s insides tense, but... but if you took away the mess that Sasuke’s fucked up self had brought, if you only looked at Naruto... He couldn’t have been more caring and careful and gentle, could he? No one could have wished for a better way to change their eyes.

Sasuke couldn’t believe he had ever even considered that a drunken, anonymous encounter would have been better than what had happened. Maybe he was the idiot... No. No, not maybe. He definitely was. His smile faded.

“I have to go home,” Sasuke said. Because part of him was suddenly overwhelmed with fear that he had ruined things. Because there was a chanting in his head suddenly that went ‘what if he doesn’t want me anymore?’ and ‘How can he want me after this?’

Sasuke looked at Orochimaru and found the man watching him. His eyes looked like they always did; like they were hiding a world of information and that this information was very amusing. A wicked amusement. It really was hard to imagine this man with virgin eyes.

“Really?” he said.

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