Post-Revenge Blues

Chapter
Six: A Paradise Called Home

Emptiness
struck at lunch when everyone, including the two Jounin, was chatting
and having fun. By now Sasuke's team had integrated perfectly with
the Konoha team. Suigetsu was talking more than anyone else, clearly
enjoying the fact that the teenagers looked up to him because he was
much cooler than them and his life had been much more adventurous, at
least before he had been captured by Orochimaru. Karin had made her
peace with Sakura and they showed their medical ninjutsu to each
other while they treated those who had been injured the day before.

Juugo
– Sasuke had thought that Juugo had done fairly well while he
had been travelling with his team, calming down, finding peace and
rarely having any homicidal fits, but now he realized that his
progress had been stifled by Suigetsu's and Karin's distrust, by
their constant bickering Juugo did not know what to make of, and by
his own, Sasuke's, inability to get close to anyone.

With
a bunch of friendly, gentle people who did not know about his
abnormality he was thriving. Helping where he could, smiling happily
in answer to the Leaf Ninjas' (mostly the two girls') friendliness,
and talking and chatting more and more (also mostly to the two girls)
until Sasuke asked himself what had happened to the silent guy who
had been his companion for these last weeks.

I
have to warn Suigetsu and Karin against telling anyone about his
homicidal fits, Sasuke thought: They shall not destroy Juugo's
newly-won happiness with these people who don't know about them; but
then he overheard Juugo himself telling Sakura how he had come to be
a prisoner of Orochimaru. Sasuke thought of stopping him, but he did
not know how, and Sakura, after hearing the truth about Juugo's
condition, did not shy away but embraced Juugo in a tender, sisterly
way.

“We
will help you”, she said. “Tsunade is the best med nin in
the Five Great Ninja countries, and in all the smaller countries in
between, and she will find a way to liberate you from the effects of
that enzyme: Help you get rid of it, or find an antidote to block it,
or develop some techniques that help you stay in control. Just come
with us to Konoha!”

Juugo
smiled happily, and Sasuke understood that he would never be able to
join in: In Sakura's and all her teammates' imagination, Konoha was a
perfect place, some kind of paradise where all wounds would be healed
and all sorrow overcome, in one word: home. It was not for him: His
home had been irreversably destroyed when Itachi had murdered the
clan and his world had been ripped apart. In his foolishness he had
thought that revenge might make it whole again, but it had not
happened, instead Itachi had destroyed what had remained of his
former home: the memories of a loving family, of a clan that was
worth of devoting his life to it.

He
wondered if Sakura would invite him to come and join them in their
home as she had done with Juugo. Probably – that after all had
been the point of their searching for him for years. Only that their
home could never be his home: He'd always known that not all wounds
can be healed and not all sorrow overcome.

He
watched Naruto: Still trying to get admittance to that paradise they
called Konoha, still loud and bragging and insecure beneath the
surface, though something had changed, Sasuke thought. Naruto was
more confident now that he knew how to behave in a way that people
would accept him. But this was not the Naruto he had grown to love as
a child – insecure, longing to be loved, and completely devoted
to those who cared to care for him.

Neither
was it the Naruto who had gone after him this morning.

Every
now and then Naruto looked at Sasuke and smiled at him, and Sasuke
saw again the child who longed to be loved and who would reward the
one who offered him friendship with absolute, unwavering love. It
took Sasuke a while before he realized that he himself had to be
smiling as well, however faintly, and that Naruto responded to his
smile.

He
lay down on his back and looked at the blue sky and at the blackbird
(not the same one as the day before) who was sitting in the tree, not
singing at the moment, but taking his lunch-break. Sasuke was still
happy that now again he had time to watch them, but they would not be
able to give his life a new purpose.

Then
the blackbird ended his lunch-break and took up his singing and
Sasuke suddenly realized why he had loved him always better than any
other bird: He reminded him of his mother, of her voice, of her
instrument, that later had become his own. He had never had time to
properly mourn her, as he had always been concentrating on his
revenge and on getting stronger and had not been able to allow
himself such weakness as being sad, and now that he finally had time
to be sad Itachi had destroyed the memory of his family. He hated him
more than ever before, even though he was dead now.

But
his mother had not been born an Uchiha. She had only married into the
clan. She had no share in its crimes and its bloody heritage.

Itachi
had not killed the clan because they deserved it. He had killed
indiscriminately, and only for his own selfish reasons.

Lunch
was ready and Naruto brought Sasuke some food, sitting down next to
him. A few times they looked at each other, turning away immediately
afterwards, and yet shyly smiling, then they ate side by side in
silence.

After
lunch they took up their journey, and when they passed through a
town, Sasuke asked them to stop. He counted the money he had left: he
did not need it any more as the Town of Konoha was now paying for the
mission's expenses, including feeding Sasuke and his companions. The
result of the counting was however that his money would not be
sufficient for what he intended to buy, and he asked Kakashi to lend
him some, which Kakashi granted him even though it was a rather large
amount and certainly not covered by the ‘mission's expenses’.

Probably
it was because he had seen what kind of shop it was: A music store.

Sasuke
left the store two hours after he had entered it, while everyone else
had been waiting for him outside in some cafe. They did not show any
sign of impatience, they were content when he told them that he would
show them his purchases when they were out of town.

They
were still touching him with velvet gloves, he realized, their eyes
saying that they were happy that he had returned, and most of all,
that apparently he had found something that would give him pleasure
now that Itachi was dead, so that his life would not be completely
empty.

They
did not leave immediately. They still had to wait for the two jounin
who had some business of their own in town.