Illuminating Heaven

Title: Illuminating Heaven / 天照 / Amaterasu
Pairing: Kakashi/Sasuke
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Violence, blood
A/N: Set in post-canon. Reviews highly appreciated. A huge thank you to my lovely beta editor ka0richan @ LJ. This fic so would not be what it is now without her! Also, a gigantic thank you to yaoi_is_my_antidrug for allowing me to use her artwork!
Summary: Kakashi'd wondered when and if he'd ever encounter his prodigal former student again, but never expected it to be quite like this.
This Chapter: "He didn't realize how gentle Sasuke could be until he touched him like that. "

NOTE: Artwork of the chapter drawn by yaoi_is_my_antidrug accompanies this chapter. You can see it properly formatted at http://sub-textual.livejournal.com/12078.html

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Recapitulation

Winter.

It had this way of sneaking up on you. Letting you think that you were safe, wrapped up in the false security of extra layers. The elements couldn't get at you when you were being protected. It was always just a little bit of ice that melted, or a shoeful of snow that left the toes cold, maybe a little numb. And the wind -- it made the skin tingle like you were being kissed. Sometimes it was pleasant, other times a little too cold. But nothing a hot cup of tea and a warm pair of arms couldn't fix.

Sasuke never realized how powerful winter could be until the wind blew so hard, cut so deep, he forgot to inhale when Kakashi stopped breathing. And in the span of a second that stretched and extended, he pictured them tumbled, broken down by snow. He could feel the blood, without seeing it, slowly spilling over his skin. Realizing then, how hot it was -- scalding in accusation. He was the only one who could take the blame, helpless and pathetic with all his power stripped away. But none of this made sense, and he could barely even begin to process how or why, the feeling growing so large it choked up inside and wrapped its fingers around his heart, squeezing tight.

And there it was, that nameless emotion. Punching through the walls of his foundations and ripping out the floor right under him. It gave him no mercy even as he hit the ground so hard it shook, trembled, and reduced to rubble the solid rocks of shattered conviction. The iron spine of his will not only dented, but fragmented, each vertebrae of resolve crumbling to dust as time held still when the world started shaking.

Then hot rain stung at his eyes and he could taste, at the back of his throat, a bitter salt.

The moment lingered, held, then burst with a hot rush of breath against his neck and a familiar grunt of pain, ice under his fingertips moving wet under his touch, a flash of sudden sensation, before all he felt was air.

Then Kakashi's weight lifted off him, and the sudden emptying of the tidal wave in his chest, containing too much emotion he didn't even know he had, left him breathless and almost dizzy with relief.

The next second came much faster than the one that preceded it, this time, filled with the crushing weight of enormous killing intent. It should've shaken him, but all he felt was a strange sense of security when he recognized the source of that violent energy.

He braced himself for it, and reached out, catching Kakashi's snow-covered ankle with a hand, just as blurry spots of light and color began to interrupt the night that had descended on his line of sight.

"Mangekyou Sharingan."

~

Snow in Konoha never lasted.

It was always just an ephemeral brush of winter, scared away by the warmth and vitality of the life that refused to crumble under it. Some said it was the will of the village, forged from fire, that made it impossible for winter to disrupt the balance of life that constantly sprung forth. Others believed it was that Konoha was at the center of perpetual blooming, a constant cycle that pendulated between Spring and Summer.

Sometimes it felt like a dream, however fleeting. And when everyone woke the next morning, they saw the vivid strength of the green that surrounded them, instead of life stripped down to all-encompassing white.

It was easy to lose focus when surrounded by too much white. All that emptiness consumed the color of dreams and stripped bare the trees of hope.

But despite a face full of blood-tinged snow and barely any chakra left in his body, hurting so much he could hardly move, Kakashi refused to give in to the bone-chilling cold, even as the snow under his body started to turn red. He grunted slightly and managed to turn his head, squinting up at the sun before it fell in shadow, cast by Sasuke standing over him, looking down. He was blinking furiously, with so much confusion and vulnerable emotion written all over his face that Kakashi might've joked how he was good and fine and there was nothing to cry about. But he had no energy to do much more than softly groan when Sasuke's arm slipped around him and pulled him up.

"You're an idiot..." Sasuke huffed out by his ear, his voice sounding a little hoarse as Kakashi managed to loop an arm around the boy's shoulders for support, barely standing on his own feet, discovering just how hard it was to breathe.

"Talking to yourself again?" The words weren't spoken, but quietly wheezed out as Kakashi coughed, tasting blood.

"Shut up." Sasuke mumbled, only to receive a slightly pained smile in response as Kakashi struggled with the medical pack at his side, groping at the flap to try and get at one of the blood replenishing pills inside that would force his wounds to temporarily clot while his body generated more blood. Sasuke gave him a reproachful look, then helped him with the pack, seeming to know exactly what it was that Kakashi was looking for as he pulled out one of the pills and pressed it against the jounin's lips.

His fingers were surprisingly warm.
~

They traveled as fast and as far as Kakashi's battered body would allow before finding refuge in another cave. With the last of his chakra, the jounin cast a barrier seal, and Sasuke watched with wide eyes as Kakashi crumpled to the floor, knees striking cold rock before he pitched forward onto his palms. His body shook with wracking coughs. And the pain was so intense, so grating, that he didn't notice when blood splattered over the floor, dripping through his mask. Couldn't notice, because he was trying too hard to struggle for breath as his lungs threatened collapse.

But then he was sucking air through material soaked with thick blood and sputum, each strained breath growing increasingly difficult -- forcing him to finally lift up a hand and tug his mask down, inhaling deep breaths of unobstructed air gratefully between each blood-soaked cough.

Sasuke stared at the bared face before him, his mind not quite computing what he saw with what was going on.

He was really starting to hate this, the inability to draw in breath when he needed it the most. Except this time it wasn't because Kakashi was bent over him, bleeding and injured, but because Kakashi was on his hands and knees coughing up blood that slid down the corners of his lips --

His eyes drank in the sight of Kakashi's naked profile, taking in the sharp cut of a strong jawline, slightly rough with a few days worth of stubble, moving up the slope of a straight chin. He noticed how, when Kakashi tried to catch his breath, his lips would part just so and a tiny white glint of his teeth would show. And then he realized how straight Kakashi's nose was and how high the cut of cheekbones were.

Like a face out of a magazine.

A face that didn't belong here in a space that smelled like sweat and blood and dirt.

He wondered why on earth Kakashi kept a face like that covered up. His features were so striking. Beautiful, even. A face that could render anyone speechless and have them faltering in their steps -- a deadly advantage any ninja could use. Somehow it made him seem so human. And then Sasuke realized maybe it was that human condition of vulnerability he was trying to cover up.

Without the mask, when Kakashi winced in pain, it wasn't just his eyes that expressed the hurt, but his entire face. And when he drew in a slight, pained breath as he eased himself into a sitting position, his eyebrows knit together and his teeth sunk down on his lower lip to give him the distraction he needed from the pain he must've been experiencing throughout the rest of his body.

Sasuke just stared. And then he realized he was staring, and immediately scowled, forcing his eyes off that unfamiliar face. He almost felt like he was intruding on Kakashi's privacy, seeing him like this, so open and naked and unbelievably human.

There was something strange about that idea of Kakashi being human. Even though he clearly wasn't anything other than human, that mask somehow depersonalized him, made him less human -- untouchable. But here he was with his face bare, his expression so easily readable. It felt almost intimate. So Sasuke resolutely kept his eyes averted on the floor before he heard a sharp, painful inhale of air come from Kakashi and slowly let his eyes drift back over.

The jounin had eased out of his vest and was struggling to take off his shirt, but could only seem to manage to get it half-up his chest.

The deep gash at his side had ripped open again in the process.

Sasuke felt a frown crease itself on his forehead as he moved from the spot he had been standing and crouched down by Kakashi's side. He was bleeding badly, and though he'd taken a blood replenishing pill, the amount of blood he was losing was considerable. Before he realized what he was doing, Sasuke had pushed Kakashi's hands aside and was easing the shirt up gently.

Kakashi's eyes settled on the way Sasuke's lips drew into a line, as it typically did when he was concentrating. Then, he lifted his arms, the wound in his shoulderblade screaming at him in retribution, and sucked a choked breath through his teeth when pain flooded through him with the removal of the shirt, which took the mask with it.

He closed his eyes, thinking that maybe if he focused on something other than the pain, it wouldn't be quite as bad. Like how Sasuke's fingers moved as he carefully inspected the wound on his side, then the one on his back.

He didn't realize how gentle Sasuke could be until he touched him like that.

But Sasuke simply didn't know how to touch Kakashi, and was glad that the jounin's eyes were closed as he inspected him, taking in the familiar sight of him, the scars that mapped his skin. Somehow, this body he was once so used to seeing felt so different without its mask. He tried his best not to think too much about it, to just focus on the task in front of him, on all that blood, and not how Kakashi's face looked when he winced, or how Kakashi's chest heaved as he drew in labored breaths.

Instead, he set his attentions on going through Kakashi's medical pack and taking out supplies, then began the grisly task of disinfecting the wound on Kakashi's side. He felt Kakashi's skin jump slightly when he applied the antiseptic. And when he noticed how the jounin's knuckles clenched white as he bore the burning pain, something within him rose at that sight, found its way into his throat and made it hard to breathe.

So he tried to ignore him and focused on the needle and thread instead.

He told himself it was easier that way.

~


Pain.

It seemed to be one of the only constants in his life. Lightning under the skin and thunder in his chest. It gave him focus, made him feel alive. Made him remember how good alive felt, even if his body ached and if all his nerves were shot from beginning to end.

It was the absence of pain that made life so simple. It was easy to take a healthy body for granted, when it was always working properly and functioning without any problems. When it wasn't bleeding and broken and struggling for air.

Easier, to take happiness for granted. But that wasn't something Kakashi ever made the mistake of doing.

Sasuke's touch was hesitant, unsure, but he soon fell into a comfortable rhythm. He handled him like he was fragile, something that would break if he pressed too hard or touched too rough. It was strange, having Sasuke treat him in this way. But he could imagine what he looked like -- covered in blood and bruises, trembling with pain and cold. And while the boy certainly had seen his share of injuries in his lifetime, he probably didn't have to treat too many for someone else. So when the needle slightly trembled and Sasuke had to pinch the base of his wrist to steady his hand, Kakashi didn't think much of it.

But the flush that tinged his former student's cheeks was unmistakable.

It made Kakashi smirk a little, seeing it. Knowing why it was there.

He sighed, tonguing the crack at the corner of his mouth as Sasuke's fingers smoothed tape in place over the gauze on his back, then lingered. He seemed reluctant to pull away, but eventually slipped his hands off.

Kakashi crunched another blood replenishing pill up, then turned his head to face his former student who tried to make himself look busy by packing up supplies. He could tell it unnerved Sasuke to see his face like this. To look at the wounds he'd dressed and realize that they were there because of him. And it was with this in mind that Kakashi intentionally left himself uncovered. He liked forcing Sasuke outside of his comfort zone, liked pushing him past his limits, because it was only when Sasuke was in a space where he felt he had no control, that the fire within him burned holes through the walls he hid behind.

"Sasuke," Kakashi began, his voice filled with mild antipathy. "Jumping straight into an enemy's attack is not very smart."

The boy paused what he was doing to indicate that he was listening and frowned slightly, but then resumed the meticulous task of packing the supplies up.

"Trying to run away on your own...is just plain stupid." A pair of dark eyes blazed up at him then, and once Kakashi knew he had Sasuke's full, undivided attention, he leveled him with a steady look. "Let me make something very clear. Your chakra can only be unsealed by mine. And the only way you can unseal it, is if I unseal you."

Sasuke's reaction was typical. Kakashi felt the flare of anger directed at him and watched as the boy lowered his brow and narrowed his eyes into a glare. But when Kakashi allowed his own gaze to grow hard and stripping, his features rife with disapproval, Sasuke's gaze wavered, then slid to the side obstinately. A rather interesting reaction, Kakashi thought. He never expected Sasuke to react so strongly to seeing his face, and realizing how much he affected the boy made him feel simultaneously intrigued and smug.

So he played up on it a little more, bringing a hand up to press a thumb to the bruised corner of his lips, the action catching Sasuke's eye and drawing it to the bottom half of his face before flickering away once more.

Kakashi didn't even bother to hide the way one corner of his mouth curled up at that.

"In case you didn't realize, there is a civil war going on right now in this country and you naively thought you could just go in on your own and infiltrate a military base whose blueprint you clearly did not know. You succeeded not only in tripping all the alarms, but you also caused the ultimate destruction of that base." He watched as Sasuke's brow furrowed at his words; perhaps he was wondering how Kakashi knew.

Sasuke kept his eyes trained to the side, where it was safe to look. Where he didn't have to rest his eyes on Kakashi's bare face and see how the words formed on his lips or how expression played out on a canvas that was normally covered with a blank mask.

Kakashi knew how jarring it could be, the first time he exposed his face. He remembered how past bed partners had always admonished him for covering up a face they called beautiful. But to him, it was just a face. It didn't even serve a purpose in battle -- or in his life, really. It was easier to cover it up; to keep people guessing. Easier, too, to live a life in perpetual concealment. A story wrapped up so tight with cellophane, only the covers could be read, when picked up by a casual reader.

They would never understand what was written on those pages anyway.

Kakashi wiped some blood off his lips before continuing. "I was there that night too -- they've probably given you credit for my work," he paused, and Sasuke's eyes slowly moved back over to his face. They moved cautiously, as though he'd lose what modicum of control he wanted to believe he still had if he looked at Kakashi too carelessly. "And now the entire Opposition probably wants your head." He finished so offhandedly that if Sasuke wasn't paying attention, he would've completely overlooked the sheer gravity of the situation.

The jounin's expression conveyed a different message. It was one drawn in serious concern. And when he met Sasuke's frown, his expression softened in such a way that Sasuke flinched slightly and looked away. It was strange, how a thing like softness could frighten someone's eyes away, and absolutely fascinating watching a blush slowly rise on a face that usually was so pale.

If things were different, Kakashi might've been tempted to make a game out of it and give himself imaginary points and proverbial gold stars every time he flustered the boy, but with his body badly wounded, and with the enemy right outside, he didn't have the luxury of playing games.

"So, you have two options. Either you stick with me, or you can go off on your own and get us both killed."

At his last words, Sasuke's gaze snapped back to Kakashi's face, brows slightly creased and eyes more narrowed. He kept his eyes on Kakashi's, as though he was trying to gauge the meaning behind his words. Then, slowly, the corners of his mouth tightened again, noticeably. "I never asked for your help," he muttered, voice quiet and blank.

And normally, Kakashi's eye would gently arc in an indication of a smile. But instead, his entire face transformed with it as a smile blossomed across his lips, his features growing warm and soft in a way that made Sasuke want to look away.

"Sasuke-kun," he began, in a tone that sounded chiding. "You must have forgotten. I won't allow my teammates to die."

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TBC....