Altering Affection

Lee stood in the kitchen and drank Pepto straight from the bottle. The butterflies in his stomach were threatening to grow teeth, and Lee’s pulse refused to slow.

Gai-sensei would be there any minute. For their date.

Lee shoved the medicine back in the cabinet and grabbed a tin of mints from the junk drawer. He popped six into his mouth and chewed, ignoring his burning sinuses and tingling tongue.

Just breathe.

Well, at least the mints helped with the airflow.

Lee fidgeted with the buttons on his shirt and hoped Gai-sensei didn’t think he looked like a complete idiot. After going through his entire closet, Ino finally found a dark blue button-down shirt that Lee kept for special occasions.

“Like a date with your true love?” Ino teased.

“No…like a funeral.”

“…Right.”

Then it was time to find the perfect pair of jeans. After discarding at least six pairs, Ino finally found some she thought were suitable. Well, almost suitable.

“No, you may not rip out the knees!” Lee cried as Ino held up a pair of scissors.

After Ino and Tenten lamented over Lee’s lack of shoe options, they made him try on the ensemble. Ino forced Lee to untuck the shirt at gunpoint.

“Honestly, Lee, no one wears clothing like that these days. It’s uncool.”

After determining that Lee owned no decent undershirts, (apparently the Hanes variety simply wouldn’t do), Ino eyed Neji.

“Neji. Shirt. Now.”

Looking faintly amused, Neji removed his gray t-shirt, which turned out to be much nicer than any shirt Lee owned, period. It was silky and had a faint, silver filigree pattern on one side. It was also skintight as Neji was slighter of build. That made Lee nervous and vaguely uncomfortable, but apparently the effect was good for the girls.

“Neji’s shirt under the blue one, open, over the jeans, with the Docs,” Ino said. “And I think that’s just the best we can do.”

After that bit of torture, the trio left – Neji in one of Lee’s own t-shirts, which dwarfed him – and Lee spent the day purposely avoiding thought. He cleaned the house – his uncle staying out of Lee’s way except to make him lunch – and made a poor attempt at watching TV. Lee nearly wore out the hinge on his cell phone checking the time every fifteen minutes.

Blessedly, the afternoon finally passed and Lee allowed himself to shower and get ready at five. Then it was downstairs to pace. Lee’s uncle remained in his office, and Lee was grateful. He didn’t know what in the world he could say to explain his behavior.

Lee heard a car at one minute to six, and his mouth went dry.

Okay – this is it, Lee thought. I will face him and not immediately think about what I saw at his house. I will relax and enjoy this. My friends think this is right, and it feels like the next logical step. Granted, it also feels like my gut is on fire and I have wild badgers living in my trousers, but if I overlook that, it does feel rather good. It’s certainly exciting.

Lee drew himself up and reminded himself that there was no challenge hard work and determination could not overcome. Nerves be damned, he was doing this.

Gai managed to knock once before Lee opened the door.

“Good evening, Gai-sen…sei…”

Gai’s smile faded into a faintly perplexed expression as he and Lee stared at one another. Gai wore a plain white t-shirt, jeans, sandals, and a five o’ clock shadow. There was a patch of dirt on one knee of his jeans, like he’d been kneeling in the garden not fifteen minutes ago. He looked thrown together, casual…

…and definitely not dressed for a date.

Understanding struck Lee like a knife in the stomach, but he managed to recover quickly. He could put it all together later – right now he had to say something to explain his appearance.

“Ah…Lee…you look…nice.” Gai looked pained.

“Laundry!” Lee said too loudly. Gai jumped.

“I was busy all day and did not manage to get to the Saturday chores.” Lee made a show of leaning out the door. “The air is nice and warm. I thought it would be cooler!”

“It’s been hot and dry all week,” Gai said.

“Well, then I will not need this.” Lee plucked at the dress shirt and immediately took it off and threw it over a chair. His mind was going in a hundred directions, his nerves felt fried, and only the anger he felt over his cowardice and stupidity made him turn back to face Gai-sensei.

“We should go,” Lee said and smiled. “I like to watch the previews.”

“Lee…” Gai said and Lee paused. Gai looked like he was about to say something but then his expression changed. He shook his head and smiled. “Of course,” he said.

“I am leaving now, Uncle!” Lee called, closed the front door, and walked down the sidewalk heading for the driveway. He was angry, but he didn’t really know at whom or why. He was hurt – and for that he blamed himself. Lee yanked open the passenger door and carefully put folders and paperwork into the backseat.

Maybe Gai-sensei didn’t have time to dress…maybe he just felt so comfortable with Lee that he didn’t think appearance mattered. Not that it did…but…once again, Lee had entirely different expectations for how this experience should go. And just like last time, those expectations were dying a slow and painful death at the bottom of Should Have Known Better Gorge.

Lee shook his head and berated himself for acting like an idiot when he should focus on other things. He could still tell Gai-sensei how he felt. He could still have a great time. Feeling this self-conscious wasn’t like Lee in the least. Of course, Lee’s confidence had taken several major blows over the past few weeks, so maybe that explained some things. And all of those blows revolved around the man now climbing in behind the wheel and starting the car.

Smile, Lee. Hard work, perseverance…all is never lost.

“I’m glad you called, Lee,” Gai said as he backed out of the driveway. “It’s been lonely without you. The students miss you.”

But what about you, Sensei? Lee thought.

“And…” Gai-sensei trailed off, and Lee’s heart hammered in his ears.

“Yes, Sensei?”

“Ah, well, nothing. I was a little concerned that I’d done something to…upset you.”

“No!” Lee said emphatically. “You are...everything is...” Lee fumbled.

“Good, Lee,” Gai said, helping Lee out. Lee was grateful; he wasn’t sure how to comfort his sensei without lying a bit. Things weren’t exactly fine, after all.

“So I’ll see you around more this next week?”

“The job for my uncle is almost done, so I should be back to my usual schedule soon,” Lee said.

“You’re such a good boy, Lee,” Gai said. “Your uncle is lucky to have you.”

Life would probably be easier if every other word out of Gai-sensei’s mouth was not some form of compliment to Lee. It made things so much harder for some reason.

“So, what’s this movie about?” Gai asked.

Lee panicked. He really had no clue what the movie was about. The girls chose it, and Lee didn’t think to look it up.

“Um, I think it is a comedy,” Lee said.

“Sounds good,” Gai said. “I haven’t been out to see a movie in…” Gai laughed. “Well, too long, apparently. This was a great idea, Lee!” Gai beamed at his passenger.

Oh, yeah. Great idea. The butterflies in Lee’s gut had strong opinions on the merit of said idea.

Now, should I tell him I’m in love with him in the car or maybe during the movie itself?

Lee grimaced.

“I am glad you agreed to the, erm, plan,” Lee said, lamely. “Maybe we could do this on a regular basis?” Lee stopped breathing.

Ohgodohgod…did he just say that?

Gai smiled, his eyes on the road in front of them. “Lee, it’s very nice of you to ask me,” Gai said. Lee thought he sounded almost sad.

“But you don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine staying in and being an old hermit. You go out – enjoy your friends! Don’t think you have to drag me along.”

“Sensei, I am not dragging you along,” Lee said, horrified at the thought. “I like spending time with you.”

“And I with you, Lee,” Gai said, his voice still tinged with melancholy. It made Lee feel like he was breaking inside, and he wanted to touch Gai-sensei. But he didn’t know how that would be received.

“Gai-sensei, I am in love-“

The car swerved off the road, hit a rumble strip, and then was back on track. Lee grabbed the door handle, his head whipping to look at Gai-sensei to see if he was all right. For a brief second, his teacher looked horrified. Lee’s heart clenched.

“-with someone,” Lee finished. He hated himself in that moment.

Gai licked his lips and said nothing. Lee’s heart sank with every passing second, and part of him despaired.

“That person is very lucky, Lee. Good for you both.” Then Gai-sensei seemed to rally. He stopped at a light and turned to face Lee, grinning and giving his pupil a thumbs-up.

“Such good news, Lee!” Gai-sensei said. “I’m so happy for you! Sometime soon you’ll have to bring her in and let me meet her.”

Of course Gai-sensei would assume Lee was straight. The only person he’d ever dated was Sakura. Lee was stunned into silence. The look on his mentor’s face confused Lee terribly. Hope flared inside him for a brief second…but Lee snuffed out that brief candle. If Gai-sensei felt love for Lee, the man would tell him. Gai-sensei espoused honesty and making sure you told loved ones that you cared at least once a day. Lee would know if Gai-sensei loved him as more than just a student or a surrogate child.

Wouldn’t he?

But did his terrified look mean he was worried about…losing Lee? And if Gai-sensei assumed he was straight, then did that mean that…wait…

Lee clutched his head. He was terrifically confused and didn’t want to speak before he figured it out. What if he said the wrong thing? Was there a RIGHT thing to say?

“Ah, youth,” Gai-sensei said. “I envy you, Lee. Open and honest love is such a beautiful thing.”

“You make it sound like you could not love openly or honestly, Gai-sensei,” Lee said. He felt brave for making the observation.

Gai-sensei laughed. “Oh, I think the time for love is far behind me.”

“Sensei,” Lee said, a little angry by his sensei’s continued self-deprecation. He did love this man, after all. “You are 33, not 93.”

Gai chuckled. “True, Lee, but what I really mean is that…” He paused. “Well, I think that the opportunity for me has passed.”

Lee frowned. “You missed an opportunity to love openly and honestly?”

Gai nodded. “In a way. More like the one I love is simply not available to me.”

Lee struggled to separate emotions from doubts from general confusion. “Is he…deceased?” Lee asked.

“Oh no!” Gai said. “Just not…well, not available.” Gai smiled at Lee.

Lee’s frown deepened. “Is he married?”

Gai shifted in the seat and eyed Lee from the corner of his eye. “No, Lee, and why so many questions?”

“I do not understand, Sensei.” Frustration won the battle with Lee’s nerves, and he continued. “You are single and amazing and you say you love someone who is also single. Yet you cannot be with this person. Even if this person is with someone, he should know how you feel. You always tell me to be honest with everything I do, so I do not understand why…or how something like that could happen to you. Why you would allow it to happen.”

“Oh, Lee…” Gai sighed and propped one elbow against the window. He rubbed a hand over his face. Lee waited for Gai-sensei to speak like a murderer awaiting a verdict.

“It’s just wrong, Lee.” Gai’s voice nearly cracked with the quiet admission. “Even if the man knew how I felt, even if he felt the same…it’s wrong, and that’s just it.”

Now Lee really didn’t understand. How could love ever be wrong?

“But how-“

“Lee, please…I love that you are so concerned for me.” Gai looked at Lee and smiled a sad smile. “That touches me deeply. But I much rather talk about you and your love. That is so much more important than my petty troubles.”

“I…disagree, Gai-sensei,” Lee said, quietly.

“You’re such a good boy, Lee. Now, tell me: how long have you been in love?”

“I think…a long time, Sensei.”

“That’s wonderful, Lee…so wonderful.”

~*~

Lee survived the movie – he even laughed with Gai-sensei at a couple of scenes. Both men agreed the movie was actually terrible, however. That’s the last time Lee would ever let Tenten pick a movie.

For the rest of the night, neither man said anything above love. They talked about class, the dojo, training. Lee mentioned he’d like to increase his weekly run mileage to 50. Gai talked to Lee about a new protein shake that Hinata’s health club sold.

Gai dropped Lee off at his house around nine. Lee opened the car door and paused. This was his last chance to say something: to confess. Lee looked at Gai-sensei and wanted to feel some of that youthful enthusiasm Gai-sensei was always referencing.

Instead, Lee felt angry. And tired.

“I’ll see you Monday?” Gai asked.

“Of course, Sensei.”

“Good, then. Sleep well, Lee. Take care.”

Lee got out of the car and shut the door. He stood and watched as Gai-sensei’s car drove away. He didn’t berate himself, he didn’t try to figure anything out, and he didn’t try to find something positive about the situation.

Instead, Lee turned, walked to the door of the garage and went inside. He let himself into the basement of the house and turned on the lights. He carefully removed Neji’s shirt and then went over to the punching bag hanging in the corner. Without wrapping his hands or pausing, he started pounding on the bag. Things were always simpler when he trained.

Lee loved Gai-sensei more than anything else in the world.

Altering his stance, Lee slammed his fist into the bag in a vicious right hook. He followed through with an arm block.

Gai-sensei was not involved with anyone, but he loved someone he felt he could not have.

Blood splattered on the bag as Lee alternated left and right full-bodied jabs, his shoulders beginning to ache.

Even if by some miracle of fate and destiny, Lee was the one Gai-sensei felt he couldn’t have, it didn’t matter. Gai-sensei thought his love was wrong. Impure. Immoral.

Lee fell back and spun a kick into the bag that sent it flying. Moving with the bag, Lee landed another kick in the opposite direction.

So it didn’t matter that Lee couldn’t understand that sentiment. The strength of Gai-sensei’s convictions was legendary, and Lee despaired at the thought of trying to change the man’s mind.

Steadying the bag with his hands, Lee kneed his right leg into it faster than a bystander could have counted the reps. He repeated the motion until his leg simply would no longer lift, then he switched to the left leg.

Anguish filled him when he thought of his sensei’s reaction to his gifts. He let out a bitter laugh when he thought of his own naïveté.

Lee moved again and did a series of uppercuts: fast, strong, deadly. Fists, arms, knees, fists. Faster. Do it faster.

But the absolute worst part of the entire thing…

Lee hit the bag harder, the chains groaning. He grunted with the strain, sweat poured off his skin, and his hands were completely numb.

...was that no matter whom it was that Gai-sensei loved…

The door at the top of the stairs opened and Lee’s uncle called down to his nephew.

…Gai obviously didn’t think his love meant a damn to that person. Didn’t think he was worthy.

And that made Lee very, very angry.

“Lee!”

Lee spun and flew, landing a kick that tore the punching bag off its chains and sent it crashing into the cinderblock wall. Lee moved like he was going to continue – kick the bag while it was down.

But strong arms wrapped around Lee from behind, and for a second Lee fought the urge to hurt his own uncle. He added that to the top of the list of reasons he didn’t like himself, and then he slumped to the basement floor.

“It’s okay,” Lee’s uncle said. “Whatever’s happened, it’s okay. I’m here.”

Lee panted and couldn’t shake the feeling of numbness that clouded his mind. It made him feel so tired…

“Your hands, dear God…Lee, come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Lee let his uncle half carry him up the stairs, let him get Lee to a sink, let him wash his bleeding fingers. The movement and the pain felt very distant. Lee couldn’t form words though he wanted to explain and felt he should. Lee didn’t want to worry his uncle, but using his voice seemed so difficult.

“Let me get the bandages, Lee. Don’t move, okay? Please?”

Lee nodded dumbly and his uncle left him for a moment to get the first aide kit. When he returned, Lee let his uncle carefully wrap his hands and wrists. Even the skin on the back of Lee’s arms was raw and bleeding, bruising forming rapidly.

“Are you okay?” Lee’s uncle whispered, his gray brows furrowed as he secured the bandages onto Lee’s forearm.

Lee nodded, his hair falling into his eyes.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Lee shook his head…no, please, don’t make him talk about it. There were anvils tied to the information; it was too heavy and hard and complex.

“I am sorry…” Lee whispered.

“Just tell me if I can do anything.”

Lee shook his head. “I will be fine, Uncle. I just need to sleep.”

The older man regarded Lee for a moment and then finally nodded. Lee let his uncle walk with him to his bedroom, remove his shoes, and didn’t even feel too silly when his uncle tucked him into bed.

“If you need anything, please call for me.”

Lee nodded, his eyes already closing.

Feeling defeated and emotionally drained, Lee slept.

~*~