Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 6th 2007, Friday
second version: December 19th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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60: Thank you

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The fourth time Sasuke woke up in Orochimaru’s apartment he woke up in the bed again. It was a considerably more comfortable experience than the third time, the bathroom floor, and not just because beds were more comfortable than bathroom floors; his headache was gone (how many pills had he taken during his time here now anyway? It had been like he’d had an almost constant headache), his eyes felt a bit more normal and he was undressed (sleeping in clothes almost always sucked).

It was nothing that woke him up really, at least nothing that he could put words to. Not music, not footsteps, not a voice, not an annoying stream of light in his face. Sasuke rolled onto his back and fabrics rustled around him. The room was not dark, but darker than it should be. Though he supposed he could have been out long enough that the morning had become evening. Someone must have... He shifted his head backwards and to the side and looked... Yeah, someone had pulled the curtains over the windows to keep the day out. Orochimaru no doubt. He must have gone in after Sasuke had fallen asleep.

Sasuke took some time to listen and found the apartment silent. No bustling outside the room of annoyed, hung over people cleaning up their mess. Maybe they had already done it. What time could it be? Time was hiding behind the curtains.

Despite his sudden desperation to go home, Sasuke had ended up agreeing to stay a bit longer. Or rather, he had been more or less forced to agree to stay a bit longer. Orochimaru had said he’d rather lock the place down than let Sasuke leave without some real sleep and a meal. ‘I will give you a ride when you’re respectable,’ he had said. ‘Before you are, you stay here.’

For a second or two, Sasuke had been panicking and angry and felt like saying something childish like ‘you’re not my mother!’ or something. Then his brain had caught up with him and he’d realized who he was and why being childish was out of the question. Begging might have been effective, but he didn’t want to reduce himself to that either.

He hadn’t had any good arguments. ‘I have to go back now or maybe he won’t want me anymore’? Yeah, like that would make Orochimaru feel like hurrying things up. If there was more truth than untruth to Kakashi’s rants, and Sasuke was sure that there was, the man would have the gang throw another party if Naruto were to not want Sasuke anymore.

Besides, it was a really bad argument. While it felt urgent to get home as quickly as possible, it was probably just how it felt. A few more hours shouldn’t make a difference, should it? If Sasuke’s actions this weekend would screw things up, things would already be screwed up. ‘But I really hurried home! ...After one and a half day of sleeping and partying...’ was not a convincing ‘I tried to fix it’ story.

And... And Sasuke supposed that he had been nervous. He was still nervous. He wanted to go back home, but the thought of facing Naruto again made his stomach twist around itself. He didn’t know what face to wear, who to be or what to say. What should he say when he came back? What could he say? The truth? But what was the truth? ‘I just needed some time away from you.’ Was that the truth?

He was scared that he’d already destroyed things and would come home to a door that was locked. Scared that he would go back and find that the skin, the life that he had left behind had already shriveled up and vanished. It felt like he’d been gone for years.

Sasuke found the dark clothes where he had left them before he went to bed and was reminded of Naruto as his body shifted when he dressed; not as much as yesterday but it was there. He had to remember to bring back the clothes he had come in when he left. He’d slept, now he would have that meal and then he was going home. Yes, he was still nervous and didn’t know what to say, but maybe he wasn’t supposed to. The door leading out of the room opened without a sound. The corridor outside was brighter than the room but still fairly dark. It had to be still morning or already evening. Hopefully morning.

Sasuke was halfway to the bathroom when Naruto screaming his name stopped his feet in the middle of a step. He froze and his heart stopped. The unexpectedness and unreality of that voice in this place froze Sasuke for seconds (or maybe no time at all) and his brain worked frantically. Thousands of visions of how Naruto could have ended up here rushed through his mind; thousands of means and reasons and it rushed so quickly, raced through his consciousness like repeated strikes of lightning. Naruto wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be home, couldn’t be here. The distance between here and his house was too great and he didn’t know the way. He didn’t know the right people. Sasuke had made it here but Naruto couldn’t. The people in this building would never let him come this far and it made no sense.

But eventually his mind stopped racing. It found one thing that mattered, unless it was all a dream but it was too real for that.

‘He came to get me back.’

‘He wants to have me back.’

Sasuke felt separated from his body as he turned and walked fast (it wasn’t a run, was it?) toward the door leading out, toward the voice that had called him; like he watched himself and it seemed to happen much slower that it did.

Maybe Naruto didn’t want him back at all. The blond was stubborn; maybe he had just been so angry. But it didn’t matter. Sasuke just wanted to see him. He just wanted to...

Sasuke saw Orochimaru’s back as the man stood in the doorway and stopped. The door was opened, light streaming in from the corridor outside. Sasuke saw the man turn his head and glance at him and there was disappointment in his eyes, possibly, and something that could be likened to a sigh was heard. Orochimaru shifted his gaze back to the corridor.

“At least,” the man said. “I wish that was true.”

Sasuke moved again, forward, and didn’t stop until he saw blue eyes and messy, blond hair and that face that wore an expression that Sasuke didn’t think he’d ever seen before. Not on him. Pain, fear, surprise, relief and anger at the same time and Sasuke felt strangely devoid of emotions and swirling with them at the same time. He’d lost his voice but it didn’t matter because there was nothing to say.

‘I missed you.’

He found he couldn’t hear but Naruto didn’t speak so he didn’t care.

‘I missed who I am in your company.’

He’d forgotten how to move, but there was no place he wanted to go.

“Boom,” Gaara said.

It wasn’t until he spoke that Sasuke noticed that they were there. Gaara and Lee. He must have taken notice of them somewhere in his brain, but... it wasn’t until Gaara spoke that they really existed. Sasuke found himself sort of waking up, snapping out of it, and he could see that Naruto did the same. They had to look away, look this way and that; like they didn’t know quite what to do with themselves. Sasuke worried that he looked kind of like those girls that claimed they were in love with him. Cheesy. Stupid and cheesy and... Sasuke swallowed.

“Hey,” he said and hated that his voice was so weak and that he had chosen such a simple and obvious word.

“Hi,” Naruto said. It seemed stronger, didn’t it? His voice seemed stronger than Sasuke’s had been.

The place fell silent again. Silent and awkward and where was this going? What happened now? Sasuke didn’t have any experience with cheesy, stupid situations like this. His insides were warm. His palms not as dry as they were supposed to be. He remembered what they had been doing last time they were together and couldn’t quite make himself look the blond in the eyes again. He had to pull himself together, this was pathetic.

“We’re going home.”

The strength and determination in Naruto’s voice made Sasuke forget that he couldn’t make himself look. He raised his gaze and met those blue eyes and found his heart beating hard, a wave of even warmer warmth spreading through him. The lost kind of awkwardness in Naruto’s face, eyes and stance, from just a moment ago, was gone. He had grown taller, stretched. The other expression, the one that said ‘you hurt me’, ‘you scared me’, ‘I thought you wouldn’t be here’, ‘you’re really here’ and ‘don’t ever do that again’, was there as well, but it was hiding underneath. Underneath the resolve. Underneath the ‘I dare you to disagree with me now’.

It was frighteningly forceful, the resolve, and pulled Sasuke in like he was a child and Naruto was something he wasn’t allowed to do. It was like that time on the floor; when Naruto had straddled Sasuke’s hips and said ‘I want to make out.’ He had held his hand to Sasuke’s cheek and said ‘I’m in love with you. Haven’t I told you?’ and ‘you’re going to have to get violent if you want me off.’

It was like Naruto said that all over again.

‘You’re going to have to get violent if you want me off.’

“What happens to assassins that are found trespassing here, Sasuke?”

There was amusement in Orochimaru’s voice when it pulled Sasuke back to the apartment and the corridor and this meeting between people that should not meet. Amusement in his eyes when Sasuke spun around to face him.

“He’s not an assassin,” he snapped, in annoyance and fear and hurry because he did know what happened to trespassing assassins.

“No,” Gaara said. “But I am.”

Sasuke turned around again at that but found that what pulled his attention in the end was not Gaara, standing behind the blond incarnation of the sun; it was Naruto and the look of... what Sasuke suspected everyone would wear if they just found out one of their friends used to murder people for a living. Sasuke had already known about Gaara of the Sand; had heard enough stories, but Naruto hadn’t. At least not that time before Sasuke passed out in Naruto’s arms. How much had he been told before they came here? Not this much. Not enough.

Sasuke found himself angry. Angry at Gaara and Lee and himself and who ever more had to be in this... Shikamaru had to be in this. Shikamaru had given Naruto his number, right? Shikamaru was stupid and paranoid enough when it came to Orochimaru and the Sound that he should have put together something like this. Maybe even Neji had... Fuck, had Naruto met Neji?

Sasuke was angry because Naruto had been involved in this stupid, silly and dangerous business that were people banding together and playing secret club and killing each other; adults and teenagers and children and old guys, but Naruto should not be a part of it. Sasuke regretted having come here. He should have known that the blond would find a way to follow and that he would be dragged into this world where he didn’t belong.

But as Sasuke watched and berated himself, he found the resolve returning to Naruto’s features. His fists clenching again.

“What does that mean?” Naruto said and his voice was hard, like in the end that new knowledge had changed nothing; and maybe it hadn’t.

“It means he won’t let me walk out of here unless he’s got a good reason,” Gaara explained.

“You can come and go as you please, Sasuke,” Orochimaru said. “That has not changed. I’ll even be kind enough to have boyfriend and the other treated as any unassociated trespasser would be, despite coming in such bad company and manner. After all, I can understand very well the urgency a boyfriend would feel if you were lost from his side.”

It was the way Orochimaru said it, more than what. Some could have dismissed it, but Sasuke saw flinch in Naruto. He hoped the guy had enough sense to keep himself in check this time and not do anything stupid like what he’d tried with Takuya that time at the station. Sasuke did not want this to get any worse than it already was.

“Gaara is different,” he said before Orochimaru could.

“Yes,” the man said. “He is. How many of mine did you do before you left, Gaara of the Sand?”

“Sorry. I’ve lost count.”

“So have I.”

Sasuke saw Naruto roll his eyes and spoke quickly, before the blond could express his rising frustration, anger, whatever. Sasuke knew what Orochimaru was after.

“You remember that offer you made me last time I came to the store?” he said and watched as the forehead under Naruto’s hair wrinkled in a frown and his expression changed. “The one I said couldn’t accept.”

“Yes?” Orochimaru sounded as pleased as he should be. This had been a win-win situation for the man from the start. Sasuke turned his head then and found the evil-looking smile he had expected. Kakashi would kill him. Seriously.

“I could reconsider.”

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A short while later, Sasuke went for that visit to the bathroom he had planned before Naruto’s presence had been drawn to his attention. When he came back Orochimaru had produced the clothes Sasuke had arrived in, neatly folded in a plastic bag, but insisted that Sasuke keep the dark clothes he wore, it was a gift. Sasuke accepted because it would have them on their way faster.

Before they left the apartment Orochimaru made a phone call and told the guards downstairs that the party of four coming down, led by Sasuke, was to be left alone. He also told Sasuke to call later so that they could work out the details for the agreement they had come to.

Naruto was angry. He wasn’t looking at Sasuke or saying anything to him. He spoke with his body though. He was facing the doors with little air between it and his nose while Sasuke leaned against the opposite wall; Gaara and Lee were between them. In normal cases, Sasuke would have said that Naruto was overreacting, but he couldn’t do that this time. There were many things Naruto was allowed to be angry at Sasuke for at the moment.

That deal with Orochimaru was just a job at the store for summer next year and some weekends. Nothing sinister or perverted or anything like that. Just a job. No, that wasn’t true. It was not just a job, it was the job. Sasuke knew plenty of guys that would pay their own salary if they got to work at Legion. The main reason he hadn’t accepted the offer before was the long way he’d have to travel to get there now that he didn’t live in the city. Orochimaru had offered to let Sasuke stay at the apartment over the summer and in the weekends when he was working, but there had also been the fact that working at Legion would attach Sasuke even more to the Sound faction and it might complicate his friendship with Shikamaru and others of the Leaf. Oh, and Kakashi would kill him.

Of course, even though it was just a job, Orochimaru had made it seem terribly dirty with his pleased smile and choice of words. You didn’t need much imagination to get it and with how oversensitive Naruto’s brain was when someone flirted with Sasuke, it must have sounded seriously R-rated. But that was the point, wasn’t it? The man had wanted to get some punches in on the boyfriend. ‘You won the battle, but the war is still going,’ or something like that.

‘The war is still going’? Sasuke’s mind repeated in disbelief. ‘What damned war? Since when is there a war between Orochimaru and Naruto?’ He put a hand over his eyes and let out a soft breath, almost a sigh but not really. Maybe he had left his brain and reason in Naruto’s pants. Still, war or no war, there hadn’t been anything Sasuke could have done really. Well, technically he could have; but it would have been a bad idea. The whole ‘don’t piss people off if they are capable of and willing to kill you’ thing. Or in this case ‘capable of and willing to kill your boyfriend and his friends’. Orochimaru had been generous though; very generous. If that had been a normal faction trespassing, Gaara should have been dead now; or at least fighting his way out with those weapons he no doubt carried in that case that Sasuke remembered having heard stories of. But Orochimaru hadn’t cared about Gaara or trespassing rules, he had just wanted to take advantage of the circumstances. Sasuke was lucky he had gotten away with just working at the store. He didn’t want to think about other potential offers that the man would have happily accepted. Why Sasuke had decided to come here again? Oh, yeah... He wasn’t afraid to get hurt. Right. In some world that probably made sense.

The elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open. Naruto walked out, determined steps, followed by Lee and Gaara and then Sasuke. The man behind the reception desk in the lobby looked up, met Sasuke’s eyes and nodded. Then Sasuke almost walked into the case on Gaara’s back because the redhead had suddenly stopped. They had all suddenly stopped.

“Go back to the apartment,” Naruto said and snapped around to burrow his eyes into Sasuke for the first time since Sasuke had said he could reconsider. “We’ll be back later.”

“Alright,” Lee said.

“Don’t get killed,” Gaara said.

Naruto came forward with determined strides and for a second Sasuke wanted to take a step back; then he realized what he was thinking and stayed where he was.

“Come on,” Naruto said and grabbed the sleeve of Sasuke’s shirt. Avoiding the skin, he pulled Sasuke around and walked back in the direction they had come from.

“Where are you going?” Sasuke asked, but there was no answer. A stubborn and proud part of him wanted to protest at being dragged around by the sleeve but the bigger part felt he deserved it. A whole different part of him was run through by a shiver; one of the... good ones, because this was the determined, cool Naruto and Sasuke had always been soft for him.

The doors had closed but the elevator was still waiting at the first floor and thus opened immediately when Naruto punched the button.

“You’re going back up there again?” Sasuke asked, but followed the blond into the elevator.

Naruto’s answer was a wordless snarl, a punch at a button on the inside (seemingly at random) and dropping Sasuke’s sleeve. The doors closed and the elevator started moving. Sasuke gave up asking and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall as he had done before. Naruto stood facing the doors again, showing his back and neck and his messy, blond hair. The same as before, only this they were alone.

For some... fucked up reason, Sasuke felt younger than he had felt before this damned, confusing failure of a weekend. Like he’d lost three or four years of his life, or at least his mindset. At the same time as he felt like he’d gained three or four years. Or forty. It was confusing.

It was still there, that realization he had come to in Orochimaru’s guest room. The realization that Naruto was... That Sasuke was lucky to have met this guy and been given the chance to... to be with him. Even if Naruto didn’t want him anymore, Sasuke was lucky.

‘Thank you,’ he could say, couldn’t he? It didn’t have to be any more complicated than that. At least not to begin with. Just... thank you. The rest could wander on from there, as dialogues tended to wander.

Before Sasuke could decide whether he was brave enough to break the humming almost silence of the elevator with that uncomplicated ‘thank you’, Naruto punched the stop button and spun around as the sudden stop messed with Sasuke’s balance. Fortunately the wall was there to steady him.

“How old is that freaky man anyway?” the blond exclaimed, as if they had been talking about something before, not just said ‘hey’ and ‘hi’ and ‘we’re going home’. “He’s got to be older than Iruka and Kakashi. How can he just talk to you like that? It’s weird!”

Sasuke opened his mouth, and closed it again. Naruto was almost panting in... anger, jealously, frustration; who knew? His fists were firmly clenched and held at his sides, his face wrinkled up in that same emotion that Sasuke found it hard to identify. His blue eyes were swirling with it as well.

‘You left me!’

Then hurt was starting to float in, mix with that unidentified feeling; for a moment the hurt threatened to eat up everything else. The hands softened.

‘You left me...’

But they tightened again and the hurt was shoved away.

“How old?” Naruto repeated; his eyes narrowed.

“I don’t know,” Sasuke said. Looked away and back. That was worry slithering around in his stomach, wasn’t it? “I don’t know how old he is.”

“Does he always hit on you like that?” the guy raised a brow.

Sasuke wanted to snort and say ‘no’, but he didn’t feel like lying. It hadn’t felt serious before, Orochimaru’s flirting, if you could call it that; didn’t feel serious now either but... but well, Sasuke would be an idiot and a liar if he said he didn’t think it was flirting, or hitting on him.

“I suppose,” he said.

Naruto produced mix between a disappointed sigh and a snarl. An uncomfortable silence followed, until the blond spoke again.

“You know,” he muttered. “You’re too used to people hitting on you.”

“I just...!” Sasuke started in defense, but then his voice failed and he couldn’t find his way back to the words. He hadn’t thought about it like that. It felt absurd and absolutely right at the same time.

“You have always been the most popular guy, haven’t you?” Naruto said.

It didn’t feel like a real question so Sasuke didn’t bother answering. Besides, ‘yeah’ would sound a bit conceited, wouldn’t it? He wondered what this had to do with anything. Naruto didn’t sound as angry and frustrated anymore. More tired.

“I always thought I’d end up dating some normal, cute girl,” Naruto sighed. “Not popular and not an outcast. Not super-beautiful but not ugly either. She’d be really nice, and smart. She’d get along great with Iruka and with Lee and Gaara. She’d be a little scared of Gaara at first, but then she’d see that he’s a great guy really. You know, Sakura-chan? In our class? I had a crush on her for a long time. I thought she would warm up to me eventually and we’d go out.”

“Sorry,” Sasuke muttered. Tightened the knot that was his arms over his chest and looked at the door. “I would have resisted your advances a little more if I had known.”

“Resisted a little more?” Naruto snorted. “You resisted plenty. If you had resisted a little more you would have seriously hurt someone. Me, if you want details.”

“Apparently I didn’t do something enough.”

Naruto sighed.

“You’re such a damned idiot, Sasuke.”

Yes. Those realizations from the earlier morning were still there. Were all those girls brain damaged, to think he was so amazing?

Naruto came closer. Sasuke wanted to back away but there was no place to go. Maybe it was better if he just broke up himself. A hand found its way to Sasuke’s arm and the flinch couldn’t be helped. The warmth spread to him through the fabric of the dark shirt and all the way to his heart. Naruto’s voice was soft all of a sudden. Soft and low and gentle.

“You think I would have chased after you for all that time if what I really wanted was a nice girl that would get along with Iruka?”

Sasuke was still watching the door; like it was his life boat, like he would drown if he didn’t hold on to it. Naruto’s hand was too warm. Sasuke had to be a very cold person.

“You think I would have done those things with you if I didn’t really like you?”

Sasuke found his lips opening a little; his cheeks growing warm and his heart beating hard. His stomach was visited by a swirl of warmth as he remembered. The kisses, the touching, the... He swallowed. You couldn’t physically get closer to a person than that, could you?

‘This guy has been on the inside of me.’

Like a temporary implant. Sasuke hadn’t thought of it like that before.

“I just wanted to say that sometimes stuff happens even though we haven’t planned for them to happen,” Naruto said, almost whispered. “Iruka told me once that the best things that happen to us come as surprises. They might seem like really frustrating surprises at first, but... but then, before we know it, they will become the most precious things to us.”

Naruto gave a small, soft laugh.

“Silly, huh? That Iruka said that. When he plans everything.”

Sasuke dared to let go of the door and shift his gaze. He dared to meet those eyes that were too blue and watched him like he was worth so much more than he should be. He, who was fucked up, too used to flirting, unstable and unfair.

“I’m not sad that I fell in love with you,” Naruto said.

“I’ll hurt you again,” Sasuke couldn’t raise his voice above a whisper. He was useless, couldn’t even find good words. Why would he say that? Did he want to get dumped? But Naruto smiled.

“I can handle it.”

“You don’t know that.”

‘Stupid, useless, fucked up. You can’t talk, Uchiha! Just stop talking!’

“Sure I do,” Naruto said.

His hand put more pressure on Sasuke’s arm and he raised his other to untangle the knot of arms over Sasuke’s chest. The plastic bag with clothes fell to the floor with a rustle. Naruto didn’t stop smiling. It wasn’t the usual, confident and free of worry smile. This one was more subdued and more relieved than happy.

Naruto ran his hands up Sasuke’s arms and pressed closer. Resting his face close to Sasuke’s throat and holding onto his shoulders. He was so warm, and there was the smell of him, and his breath.

“I’m not letting you go,” Naruto whispered.

Knee-weakening. Heart-racing. Warming.

Sasuke found his eyes closing and two drops of wetness escaping. He found his hands lifting, shaking and palms sweating but lifting. He moved closer to him, to the boyfriend. The smell was making him dizzy. His hands made nests pressed to Naruto’s lower back. Sasuke’s head made a nest pressed to Naruto’s shoulder. And they stayed together like that for a long time.

Sasuke must have fallen asleep because when Naruto said his name it felt like he woke up. How he could have fallen asleep standing in an elevator was a mystery; or maybe just the result of a night spent on a bathroom floor, and the tension running away. Was that drool on the shoulder next to his mouth?

“What?” he mumbled; hoped it didn’t sound like he had been doing what he thought he had been doing.

“Did you fall asleep?”

“No,” Sasuke snorted. Maybe the reason the reply came so easy was it wasn’t a lie. He blinked and tried not to yawn.

Naruto giggled softly and they were close enough to each other that the sound could be felt as well as heard.

“Okay,” he said. His hands shifted a little on Sasuke’s shoulders. “That little thing up there in the corner?”

“What thing?” Sasuke frowned.

Naruto backed away from the wall and brought Sasuke with him, then he turned them around.

“That thing up there,” he said. “Is that a surveillance camera?”

“Uh, yeah,” Sasuke said. “I think so.”

Damn. Damn because of what they had already done (not that it was much) and damn because of that tone in Naruto’s voice. More damn because of the latter. Sasuke was afraid to ask, but did anyway.

“Why?”

Naruto snickered.

“I just want to show that freaky old man who’s the boyfriend and who’s just a freaky old man.”

“Naruto...” Sasuke warned, but before he could get to the point his boyfriend had spun them around again; pulled his head back as much as was needed and pressed his lips to block the rest of Sasuke’s words.

It was a fierce kiss; like ‘can you feel how much I missed you?’ The lips were hard and the tongue was ravishing and everywhere. ‘Can you feel how much you scared me?’ Sasuke answered, lips and tongue, but felt weak in comparison. Maybe because the answer to both those questions was ‘yes’.

Naruto’s hands on Sasuke’s shoulders wandered, down his arms, to his back, further down. They stopped at his ass and trailed with fingers first, then cupped and squeezed; quite hard. They pulled Sasuke closer.

Sasuke had never thought being touched like that could make one feel so picked up from the floor and put back together. Sasuke didn’t stop the sound forming in his throat and a smile was formed against his lips. He lifted his hands from Naruto’s lower back and held onto his face instead, kissed more and leaned closer. He tasted the inside of his boyfriend’s mouth and felt the hands and the body pressed to his. He felt safe and warm and together and falling apart all over again.

‘Thank you.’

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