Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: July 13th 2007, Friday
second version: December 23rd 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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61: He is perfect

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“You know what I just realized?” Naruto said as they walked over a bridge crossing the river, toward the center of the city.

“What?”

“I’ve never been on a real date.”

Sasuke looked at the blond beside him. The blond looked in the direction they were going. It was cold, but nice cold; the city was covered with a thin layer of snow. They had chosen to walk instead of taking the bus, at least for awhile. Naruto had wanted to walk off some stress and Sasuke had wanted to walk off some sleep. For a long while they had walked without saying anything and Sasuke had worried that Naruto would never break the silence.

“The closest I’ve gotten was with a girl in third grade,” Naruto continued. He was fiddling with his nails. Then he seemed to notice and raised his eyes; looked at the sky. He smiled in an almost happy way, put his hands at the back of his neck and seemed to grow taller.

“We went behind the school at lunch break one day and looked for four-leaf clovers. She had heard somewhere that if you found a four-leaf clover with someone you liked, it was extra lucky.”

Naruto lowered his eyes and shrunk again.

“We never found any though. When we came back, a bunch of guys made fun of us. ‘Oh, you did it in the bushes, didn’t you?’ they said.”

He was fiddling again.

“She didn’t want to hang out with me anymore after that. I wasn’t dumped or anything, because we’d never really dated, but... We didn’t do any more things together after that.”

Then he looked at Sasuke, and his almost sad smile became a little happier. Or so it seemed.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?” he asked and was squinting because of the sun. His hair looked brighter than usual.

“Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t care,” Naruto threw out his arms. “Any place is okay. I just want to do it with you.”

Sasuke’s heart thumped at the words, even though Naruto hadn’t meant it like that. Then Naruto seemed to realize what had been said as well, blushed and looked away.

“Ah, I mean... N-not that kind of ‘do it’, just... Y-you get it!”

“Yeah,” Sasuke said, looked away and hoped that his cheeks didn’t look as red as they felt. Naruto hadn’t meant it that way. They both knew that. Sasuke kicked himself for being a hormonal idiot.

“So do you?” Naruto cleared his throat and said. “Want to go on a date with me?”

“Sure,” Sasuke said. A small slice of his lower lip had found its way between his teeth and he let go of it. “Yeah. Just... We should let... Gaara and Lee know, shouldn’t we?”

“Oh, yeah!” Naruto exclaimed as if he had just remembered. “And Shikamaru! Gaara and Lee are at his apartment, he was the one who figured out where you were. I... I really wouldn’t have known what to do if it weren’t for him. He really... helped me out.”

Sasuke could hear his heart beating again. Naruto didn’t look at him. The plastic bag with clothes made a rustling sound against Sasuke’s legs with every step.

This would be a good moment, wouldn’t it? For that ‘thank you’. Or an ‘I’m sorry for leaving you behind.’ He still hadn’t told Naruto that he was sorry or how grateful he was. It might seem like such easy words but... Somehow they made his throat funny. It felt like it would dry up if he even made an attempt to say something like that. Stupid throat.

‘Stupid me.’

Before Sasuke had time to gather himself enough to try and speak up, Naruto had become tired of the silence.

“We’re having a sleep-over there tonight, did I tell you?” he said.

Sasuke frowned and was for a moment distracted from his thoughts.

“We are?”

“Yes, we are. I wrote it on the note I left to Iruka and Kakashi. We have to do it so it won’t be a lie.”

“Why don’t we just go home and throw away the note?”

“No,” Naruto looked at Sasuke with angry eyes. “It will still be a lie. And what if they came home earlier? Besides, I...” His anger had fallen away and he was left with looking sorry and like thinking was painful. “We’re staying.”

“Okay,” Sasuke said and remembered the times when he would have said: ‘Fuck that. You can stay if you feel like it, but I’m going home.’

The number of cars and people had increased since they left Orochimaru’s place. Morning was going steadily towards lunch. The leaving had been surprisingly undramatic. After the kiss, with extra touching, they had taken the elevator down again and no one had said anything as they walked out, the reception guy had just nodded. Sasuke had worried that Orochimaru would have seen the little make out session in his elevator (even though it was silly to think so; the man would have had better things to do than keep track of all the surveillance cameras; especially since Sasuke was supposed to have left already) and changed his mind about making things so easy for them; but nothing had happened.

“Won’t Iruka be pissed?”

“Yeah,” Naruto snorted in some kind of amusement. “We’ll be grounded for months.”

“I’ve never been grounded before,” Sasuke said. “Or... I have, but I didn’t stay home.”

“You will stay home this time.”

Sasuke snorted but didn’t argue. He remembered back when they had been fighting and how Iruka had been so angry and Naruto so grounded. Though it wasn’t like there was anything interesting to do back home anyway; not outside. All the really interesting things had happened inside.

“We didn’t eat the food in the fridge either,” Naruto sighed. “And we had... well, you know.”

‘It’s like he wants to be grounded,’ Sasuke found himself thinking. ‘Like he feels he deserves it.’

‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Sasuke could say. Now. Now was as good a time as ever. ‘It was just me. I’m just fucked up. Did you know I thought about my...?’

But his throat was still stupid and maybe that was a good thing. He didn’t really want Naruto to know that he’d been thinking about Itachi when they were... No, definitely not. Sasuke would never ever tell him that. Just ‘I’m fucked up’ would be enough.

“Isn’t the City Tower a place to go for dates?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Sasuke said after a short pause to remember what they had been talking about. “I’ve never been there.”

“You haven’t been to the City Tower?” Naruto looked stunned. “I have been to the City Tower!”

“That place is just for tourists.”

For a long moment Naruto looked at Sasuke as they walked, with that stunned expression, as if Sasuke had just told him he was actually a three ton pink lizard in disguise, though the reaction that followed was sort of off when Naruto’s face broke into a grin like he’d won the lottery.

“Well, then it’s decided!” he exclaimed. “I’m taking you on a date to the City Tower. You are a tourist now, aren’t you?”

Apparently seven years of growing up here was very easy to erase.

Naruto took the thing very seriously though. Once they got off the bridge he stopped a man and asked for directions to the City Tower, saying they were tourists. It was completely unnecessary, of course; even if Sasuke hadn’t been there, he knew where the building was and how to get there. He wasn’t an idiot. But he hadn’t felt like arguing; like with the sleep-over at Shikamaru’s and the date. He wondered when he’d get his personality back. Then he wondered whether Naruto preferred this push over version of him better than the usual Sasuke.

And they must have seemed like the strangest tourists really. Two fifteen-year-old guys with a plastic bag on a Sunday morning, the first day of December. The man had probably thought they were drunk or idiots; he had looked at them like he was a bit worried, but had been polite and pointed them in the direction of the nearest subway station.

When they got underground Naruto found a pay phone and dialed a number on a small piece of paper he took from his pocket. As he waited for the other side to pick up he waved the paper in the air for Sasuke to see and Sasuke recognized it as the one Shikamaru had given him after they had met Itachi.

“Hey!” Naruto said to the other side and put the paper back into his pocket. “Are Gaara and Lee back yet?”

A short moment of silence followed, at least from the blond. There were a couple of women walking past them and the familiar noise as a train stopped around the corner. Sasuke had been here before, many times. You could take the subway from here to the school that Sasuke had left and Shikamaru still went to.

“Okay! Look, Sasuke and I won’t be back for a while yet. We’re going on a date.”

Naruto snickered. Poked at the phone with a thumb. It was like they had been friends for years.

“Yeah, he’s thrilled,” the blond said. “I will... Eh? Oh, okay. Yeah, he’s here. Hang on.”

Naruto took the phone from his ear and held it out to Sasuke.

“He wants to talk to you,” he said. “I’ll be over there; gonna get us some tickets.”

“Okay,” Sasuke said and tried to ignore the thumping of his heart. It was just Shikamaru. This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. The guy should be used to it by now. Sasuke should be used to it. But the phone felt heavier than it should and it was hard to watch Naruto’s back as he walked away. Sasuke sniffed before he covered his ear.

“Hey,” he said and hoped that Shikamaru had somehow become stupider over the weekend and lost his ability to see through Sasuke’s attempts to cover up his anxiety.

“Hey,” the friend said. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

“Better than I was yesterday,” Shikamaru said. It was silent for a moment and Sasuke had time to end up with his lip between his teeth again without meaning to. When he noticed and let it go, Shikamaru continued; as if he’d been waiting for it.

“I heard you got yourself a job.”

“Yeah,” Sasuke said. “Who told you?”

“Gaara called when they got out.”

“That was the stupidest plan you’ve come up with in years.”

“Yeah, well,” Shikamaru said. “I didn’t have much to work with.”

“You could have let me handle it,” Sasuke said. “I knew what I was doing.”

“I don’t trust your judgment when it comes to that man.”

“Shikamaru...” Sasuke began, but the rest of the words caught in his throat before they were spoken. He closed his eyes and sighed. The silence returned; at least between Sasuke and Shikamaru. The station was still alive.

“We’ll talk later,” Shikamaru said eventually, with a soft sound that could have been a sigh.

“Shikamaru.”

“Later. Enjoy your date.”

Before Sasuke could say anything, Shikamaru hung up.

-

The City Tower had once been the tallest building in the country. These days it was the fourth tallest, or something like that. Sasuke had seen the building many times. It was hard to miss. You could get to the top by elevator or stairs (if you were crazy) and there was a café and all windows when you got there. Hell for people who were scared of heights. Every now and then someone tried to climb the thing without using either stairs or elevator. Sasuke was sure he had heard something about one of those climbers being on the same ward as Itachi a while back.

Sasuke wasn’t sure why he’d never gone up the building actually. True, it was for tourists, but most people who lived in the city had been there anyway. Shikamaru had been there, with school even; but it had been on one of the days when Sasuke hadn’t felt like going. It was just a building really. A tall building, yes; you could see a lot of the city from the top if the weather was good (Sasuke had seen pictures in magazines and a documentary on TV); but it wasn’t much more than that. Just a tall building. Sasuke didn’t care.

On the train Naruto told Sasuke how he had gone to see the City Tower with Iruka and Lee and the Gai guy. They had been just kids back then, him and Lee. Eight or nine or something like that, Naruto said he didn’t remember exactly. It had been the highest he had ever been, he said. It had been so cool. They had had ice cream on the top and Naruto had wondered how far the ice cream would splatter if he dropped his bowl from up there. Iruka had said it was lucky for Naruto’s ten years of future allowance that the place had windows.

They took the elevator up. Naruto said he’d climbed enough stairs earlier that morning that he shouldn’t have to take a step in the upwards direction for at least a month. Sasuke wouldn’t have argued even if he hadn’t been in the stupid ‘I’ll accept anything’ mode. His stomach had swirly things to say about getting in an elevator with Naruto again but he could ignore it. And this elevator wasn’t as private as the other one had been, fortunately. There were big windows so that you could see the ground get smaller as you put more distance between it and yourself. They weren’t alone this time either. There was an old woman and a middle aged couple that seemed to be foreigners, judging by their low conversation. It was no language that Sasuke was familiar with. He and Naruto stood side by side; close enough that Sasuke could feel heat from the blond’s body, a little, and close enough that they could touch, but they didn’t.

Naruto hadn’t touched Sasuke since they left Orochimaru’s elevator. It was strange; it felt... empty somehow. It made Sasuke aware of how much Naruto had used to touch him before this weekend. Not just the private touching, all touching. Innocent touching. A hand here and a brush of the back of fingers there. Normal touching. A toe against Sasuke’s leg, an arm slung over his shoulders. The touches saying ‘I’m here’, ‘don’t forget about me’ and ‘we’re together.’ Now there was nothing. Nothing when Naruto had handed Sasuke the phone at the station, nothing when they had sat together on the train, nothing when they had left it. So many opportunities that had given nothing. No leaning closer to whisper something as he touched Sasuke’s leg or arm or neck. No walking extra close so that Sasuke could feel an occasional brush of the body hiding underneath the clothes.

It felt wrong; even more wrong than Naruto’s refusal to look at Sasuke before. This was... They had touched in that elevator, hadn’t they? Why that brief moment of such wonderfully soothing (if a bit out of line) touches if nothing was supposed to follow? The kissing and the grabbing, the tongue, it wasn’t... fair. But it was not just the lack of touching. There was something off, something wrong with the air surrounding them. There was a tension that had been there since they left each other’s arms in that elevator. Naruto acted like normal, like everything was okay and... and it didn’t feel like he was just pretending, but... Sasuke couldn’t put his finger on where the wrongness was, but it was there.

He wanted to reach out, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his place, it wasn’t... Sasuke had screwed this up by leaving when he should have stayed, by running away without saying a word; he couldn’t decide when things were alright again. He hadn’t even said ‘sorry’, or ‘thank you’ or... The words had been too difficult and the places they were in had been wrong. Sasuke wanted them alone, in a room with just the two of them and the door locked. Maybe then the good words would come; not stupid ones like ‘I will hurt you’. Sasuke’s version of ‘sorry’ was ‘I will hurt you’? No wonder there was wrongness.

Eventually the doors to the City Tower elevator rattled open. A recorded voice let them know that they had reached the top (as if they needed the information) and how far they would fall if they were to somehow tumble out the window. Sasuke remembered having heard something about that happening many years back. Someone had managed to break the windows and thrown themselves out.

Naruto let Sasuke know that they were taking a tour around the Tower first; then they were going to have ice cream in the café. Sasuke followed as the blond started walking. The view really was nice; they could see farther than Sasuke had thought they would. It was more impressive than in the magazine or on TV. Naruto had picked a good day for watching far distances from high places as well. The smoke that always had seemed to cling to the city, more or less, had chosen to take this day off; almost like it was planned.

The blond asked for directions as they watched the city stretch to meet with the sky in the horizon. ‘Where are the schools you used to go to?’ ‘Where is your old apartment?’ ‘Where is the hospital we went to, to visit your brother?’ ‘Where is home?’ Sasuke could point out all the directions except home. Naruto didn’t know where that was either.

The café was quiet and almost empty, despite it being Sunday. Maybe it was too early for people to be out or maybe the other tourists had just missed the perfect ‘sightseeing from the Tower’ weather. The ice cream was cold and an odd match with the snow outside, but it was tastier than ice cream usually was.

Naruto ate slower than he was supposed to and pulled no silly dating stunt like trying to feed Sasuke from his cup. The blond smiled and talked less than he should, Sasuke thought, and seemed more grown up and mature. ‘I don’t want to lose you,’ Sasuke’s mind whispered.

“Is this the highest you’ve ever been?” Naruto asked when their cups were almost empty. Sasuke didn’t have to think really, but took a moment to clear his mouth of ice cream before he replied.

“Yes.”

Naruto smiled.

“I’m glad I’m here with you,” he said.

Sasuke couldn’t quite take his mind off younger Naruto that had been sitting somewhere on one of these chairs, years ago, pondering about heights and the physics of falling ice cream hitting the ground.

“When we get to Shikamaru’s place, I want to talk,” Sasuke said, before he could change his mind.

Naruto watched him for a moment and put a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. Sasuke couldn’t read what was on his face and tried not to think about having no idea what to say.

“Okay,” Naruto said eventually and the smile he gave made things feel less wrong. For a moment the tension eased up.

-

Naruto hadn’t talked about any of the things that had gone wrong that Friday. He had said nothing about the things that had been done or hadn’t been done and he hadn’t asked why Sasuke had left. He hadn’t talked about how he had felt when he woke up. He must have been hurt, worried, angry, scared, at a loss. The closest Naruto had come was when he said he wouldn’t have known what to do if it hadn’t been for Shikamaru.

Sasuke hadn’t talked about it either. Part of him was childish and wanted Naruto to start; because Naruto always started and it was easier to just react, but most of him agreed that ‘why should he talk when I don’t?’

‘Didn’t I say I wanted to do things?’

‘I should be the one to start things for once.’

They had been able to take a bus directly from the City Tower to the street where Shikamaru’s apartment and Sasuke’s old one stood. Sasuke had liked that street a lot. It wasn’t too close to the central parts of the city and not too far away. The bus connections were great and the subway wasn’t far off either. As they got off the bus, Sasuke told himself to remember to show Naruto the old apartment before they left tomorrow. The blond would really like that. He’d be surprised and a little upset at first maybe. Sasuke hadn’t told him when they were at the top of the City Tower that it was almost no distance at all between Shikamaru’s apartment and Sasuke’s old one. Naruto had probably seen the building already, just not known that it was hiding Sasuke’s old room.

That would have to wait though; this was not the time for sightseeing. The tension that had fallen away for a moment over the ice cream, with Naruto’s soft smile, had returned with a vengeance shortly after and now it was like they were sticky with it, draped in and choking on it. The trip to the apartment had been wordless. Sasuke’s promise of talk to come had subdued Naruto’s need for talk at the moment it seemed and the blond gave no more stories about things that had been. There was still no touching.

Sasuke was so nervous that it almost made him sick, at least now and then. It came in waves. Nervousness followed by numbness, followed by nervousness again. He still didn’t know what to say. His head felt empty and at the same time messier than ever before. It felt like everything and nothing depended on this talk. Why the hell had he said that, by the way? ‘Let’s talk when we get out of public.’ It wasn’t like the last time they had planned something serious in advance had turned out to be a success. Really, when was Sasuke going to learn from his screw-ups? He hadn’t studied after Neji and he hadn’t remembered it was bad to make plans. He wasn’t smart at all.

It was Lee who opened the door to Shikamaru’s apartment. Shikamaru wasn’t home, he said, but would be back some time around four. Did they want lunch? Lee and Gaara had already eaten but portions for Naruto and Sasuke were waiting in the fridge. Naruto said that they would eat later. ‘We just had ice cream.’ When he asked about Gaara, Lee said the redhead was resting in the living room and that it would be best if they left him alone for a while. Then it got sort of silent and awkward for a moment, until Sasuke realized that Naruto wasn’t the one in charge of this.

“We will be in Shikamaru’s room,” Sasuke said and tried to look less nervous than he felt.

“Y-yeah,” Naruto hurried to agree. “Sorry to leave you alone.”

“Oh, no, it’s okay,” Lee smiled. It was an understanding smile, but not in the ‘ooh, I get it...’ dirty kind of way; a grown up, mature smile. “I was thinking I’d leave once you two got here actually. There are some stores I’ve been wanting to visit and it would be silly to waste the opportunity. And don’t worry, Gaara will not disturb you.”

It was strange, the way this guy could make something that could be so suggestive (‘I’ll give you some privacy so you can screw each other’s brains out’) sound so innocent and... pure; when Orochimaru had made innocent things sound perverted. Sasuke and Naruto really did have different kinds of acquaintances, huh? Though Naruto had Gaara. Maybe Shikamaru plus Orochimaru were kind of even with Lee plus Gaara on the badness scale. Of course, if you were to add other acquaintances as well things would get unbalanced. Even if he was a madman when he was angry, Iruka didn’t have much badness compared to Kakashi; comparing Neji to Ino was just stupid, as was Tsunade to Sachiko-baachan. And even though the Konohamaru brat was pure evil and annoyance incarnate, and even though Naruto might have Gaara’s siblings on his side, Sasuke would have his brother and that would be the end of it. They wouldn’t even have to add themselves.

Yes, Sasuke had to really be very nervous. But he just still didn’t know what to say and they were saying ‘bye’ to Lee already and closing the door behind him. They were walking towards Shikamaru’s room and Naruto knew where it was, Sasuke noticed within the terrorizing chaos that was his mind. His legs felt funny, his stomach want to flee from his body and his heart wanted to go crazy. What did you say?

He was in love, wasn’t he? Sasuke had described the feeling as ‘it’s stupid but I feel safe in his presence’ or ‘when he touches me I get distracted even though I should be used to it by now’ or ‘it feels right to the bones that you changed my eyes’. It was love, wasn’t it? ‘I’m in love with him.’ Just thinking those words made swirls take flights around in Sasuke’s stomach.

Sasuke had never been very interested in being in love. To him it was an unreal state that only really existed in fairy tales and when people in real life talked about being in love they were just being idiotic and trying to justify their hormones. Sasuke had been so relieved he had seen through it and didn’t fall in love. But... this that he was feeling now was... It was strangely fitting into all those descriptions Sasuke had heard and snorted at. It wasn’t just hormones, it was... Damn. But it wasn’t as cheesy as Sasuke had thought it would be. It wasn’t as pathetic and unreal. It felt very real. It made him feel more pathetic, but also stronger. It made him feel more soaring and cheesily fluttering, but also rooted down. He didn’t feel as helpless before it as people had always claimed you should feel, at the same time as he felt tied up and tossed onto train tracks.

“I’m sorry,” Sasuke said, before the door had even been closed to give them their privacy. Before his mind could sort itself out and decide it didn’t want him to say it. He said it to the room, his back to Naruto. He didn’t want to turn around out of fear that he would change his mind or lose his voice.

There was a moment of silence before the door closed. It was scary and comforting at the same time, the aloneness and togetherness and Sasuke wouldn’t have had it any other way. The last time they had been alone and together in a bedroom they had... But there was daylight in this room and it made a difference.

“I shouldn’t have left like that,” he continued. “You didn’t deserve it.”

For a moment again there was silence. Such a silence. Had this place been this silent ever before this day? Before this moment? Was it possible for silence like this to exist in the city? Sasuke could only hear his heart beating. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for. Naruto wasn’t moving.

“I didn’t?” broke the unreal lack of sounds. It was a real, honest question spoken with a sad voice that carried a weak, faked amusement. It was unexpected and at the same time not.

“I screwed up,” Naruto continued and the sound was slightly muffled as if he was facing the door, his back to Sasuke’s as Sasuke’s back was to him. “I didn’t see. Something was wrong and I didn’t see.

Sasuke bit his lip. Naruto was right, he hadn’t seen, and it hurt to remember. But that didn’t mean he had deserved what Sasuke had done.

“That was not why I left,” Sasuke said and it was the truth. It wasn’t because Naruto didn’t notice that Sasuke had left; it was so that he wouldn’t notice. At least not right away.

“I was... confused,” Sasuke said. But as the word was spoken he frowned. It was true, but not enough. Sasuke had been confused but there had been so many more things as well.

“I was hurting, I was... scared, I was... I needed to see who I... was, without you.”

It both made sense and didn’t.

“You affect me,” he added.

“I’m sorry,” Naruto said, and it sounded like he wanted to fix it but had no idea how or what.

“No,” Sasuke shook his head. He wanted to turn around, spin Naruto around as well and grab his face and look into his eyes and say it over and over until his throat started to bleed. That was not it at all. “Don’t be sorry. You are...”

‘Never cruel to anyone. Gentle. Faithful. Wiser than anyone when you need to be. Always smiling.’

‘An incarnation of the sun.’

‘I don’t deserve you.’

“You make me happy,” Sasuke said.

The impact of his own words ran through him and brought a blur to his eyes. He couldn’t explain why, how or when, but that was the truth. It was true from the fine hairs on his skin to the innermost center of his bones, from the tips of his toes to the wildest strand of hair on his head, and from the silliest and most shallow thoughts to the deepest and most complex philosophies having made their home in his mind.

When Sasuke continued, it seemed like an age had passed; like he had traveled to the sky and landed again.

“I just needed to be without that for a while.”

The quietness returned and the nervousness was gone. The only remain of the ‘capable of choking them’ tension was a small, thin, coil of a snake on the bottom of Sasuke’s stomach. It was a snake of nervousness, yes, but a gentle, friendly one; affecting him only in a soft way. Differently. More gently playful than terrorizing. At the end of the silence, Naruto sniffled.

“I don’t get it,” he said and his voice grew stronger with frustration.

“You don’t have to,” Sasuke said. “You can’t...”

‘...help me with that,’ he was going to say, but his voice fell useless in the middle. Sasuke closed his eyes as his heart warmed and he felt the blur fall down his cheeks. It was a lie. He couldn’t say it because it was a lie. Sasuke had to smile as his eyes opened again.

“You don’t have to do anything differently,” he almost whispered.

‘You do everything you’re supposed to do already. Sometimes I don’t see it, but you do everything I need.’

Sasuke found himself wanting to be touched. It had felt right with no touching before, right because something was wrong, but now... ‘Touch me now.’ He wanted arms to wrap around his waist and a head pressing to his back or a face to his throat. He wanted his boyfriend close. He wanted to be draped in that comfort and that smell that made him dizzy. Sasuke wished that wisdom of Naruto’s would kick in and tell him what Sasuke needed, but no touching came. Naruto didn’t move. And with the feeling Sasuke assumed would take over a person that had finally decided to jump off the cliff, he realized that that was exactly what he needed.

It was more of a reflex than a choice. There were no real thoughts before the decision to turn and close the distance between them. It was like breathing. He just acted. It was exhilarating and frightening and no turning back.

“I don’t accept that,” Naruto muttered determined mutterings, still facing the door. Sasuke could move without making a sound. “That’s not my style. I won’t accept that someone I love needs to hurt. I will make it better. I will...”

Naruto flinched and stopped talking when Sasuke put a hand on his back. The door rattled, the flinch having traveled through the hand that still firmly clenched around the handle. Naruto was warm. His back was tense. His whole body was tense.

“I want to have you in my presence,” Sasuke said. “This you. You don’t need to change anything.”

He let his other hand join the first on Naruto’s back and let them wander, lower, around; he moved forward until he couldn’t come any closer and his arms were wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist. It felt just as comforting as being held, holding. Sasuke hadn’t expected that.

With a shaky breath shuddering through him, Naruto let go of the door handle. His hands moved and fell to cover Sasuke’s and it got even warmer. Sasuke closed his eyes.

“I told you I wouldn’t let you go,” Naruto mumbled with a slightly hesitating hint of ‘silly you’.

“Yes,” Sasuke said. “But I never said anything.”

The hands covering Sasuke’s pressed closer to him. So warm.

“Do you really want to do this with me?” Naruto asked.

At that Sasuke smiled, his eyes still closed.

“Yes. I do.”

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