Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: September 17th 2007, Monday
second version: January 2nd 2009, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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64: Foster father

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They had breakfast. Shikamaru’s mother had left bread for them on the counter and given them permission to find milk and butter in the fridge, glasses and cups and knives in the cupboards and drawers. They got to use the coffee machine too. She had been reluctant, Kakashi had noticed, but polite; always had been a bit sensitive about others poking around in her kitchen, Shikamaru’s mother. Even when the ones poking around were her own family members.

There had been few spoken words while they ate, none of them particularly interested in conversations. The children were grumpy, Iruka was determined to not grow soft and Kakashi didn’t know what to say.

Sasuke looked different somehow from the boy Kakashi had left alone with the boyfriend three days ago. It could be just the time; usually the time Kakashi and Sasuke spend away from each other was shorter. It didn’t have to have anything to do with what had happened. It was probably just Kakashi being paranoid. But it still wouldn’t stop gnawing at him. He felt more conscious of his foster child than he had been before, noticed more of him and more details. Sasuke was grumpy because of his grounding (he hadn’t been under this many regulations since he left the hospital those seven years ago), but there was a strange calmness to him. It was a soft thing, a whisper of something.

It was like someone had stripped off everything that could be taken away from Sasuke, until nothing but the core of him remained. Then, when he was as naked as he could be, they had coated him with a layer of a soothing, healing balm, before letting the things that had been stripped away crawl their way back. Sasuke was still there with all his demons, all the frustrating parts of him and all the amazing ones. But that layer of soothing balm was there as well, like... like grease between who he really was and what life had made him into, and it reached out. It crawled through the mess and the good things and touched him, like a branch in spring when the new leaves had just cracked through their shell, caressing a wanderer passing by and making him smile and appreciate the wonders of life. Kakashi was sure the beginning of this week was driving him crazy, putting such weird things in his head, but he just couldn’t let it go.

“Because your friend Shikamaru asked that we let you go and see him when we were done here, the consequences of your bad choices will wait until I turn off the car engine when we get home.”

Iruka still hadn’t dropped his very serious, ‘you do not want to face the consequences of not listening to me’ voice. Kakashi tried to take his mind off Sasuke’s healing balm greased soul by imagining what that voice would be like in the bedroom. It had the interesting result of being terribly hot and terribly horrifying at the same time.

“Then we can...!” Naruto’s face lit up like someone had suddenly put a lamp in front of him.

“The no sex rule stays,” Iruka cut him off and killed the light immediately.

“You are evil,” the blond boy pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. He seemed all too much like a child and nothing like a sexually active teenager. Was this really the guy that Kakashi had given permission to sleep with his foster child? Because that was what he had done; not with words maybe, but with actions. His thoughts wandered back to what had been said before, that the first time had been what scared Sasuke into running away and he couldn’t help the surge of protectiveness that rushed forward and made him want to punch the pouting child unconscious. At the same time as he felt responsible. He wondered what was with him this morning.

“I’ll be whatever I have to be to get you and your bro... your Sasuke, through your childhood alive and unruined,” Iruka shrugged and did a good job of looking like he hadn’t just almost said the forbidden b-word.

“That has nothing to do with sex!” Naruto exclaimed. “Sex does not kill people!”

“Is that so?” Iruka raised a brow. “Funny, I thought you passed your sexual education course. Maybe I need to talk your teacher and...”

“You...! You’re not banning us because you don’t want us to die!” Naruto interrupted. “You’re banning us because you want us to suffer because we had a sleepover!”

“A sleepover you were not allowed to have,” Iruka’s voice was hard. “You know you broke the rules, Naruto.”

“I didn’t know you were gonna take away sex from me!”

“You weren’t allowed to have sex in the first place. Hopefully you will remember this the next time you think about breaking the rules. It’s not supposed to be funny.”

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and sighed loudly. What did Sasuke see in this boy anyway? And why did that matter now? Just a drive to the city and an early morning spent deciding on consequences ago Kakashi had been so sure this was a good thing for Sasuke. Naruto was not a threat, he was a good thing, wasn’t that what he had said? ‘You’re hormonal teenagers, it’s not like I could stop you. Better to stay on your good side.’ But something was different now. Had Sasuke always been this skinny and frail-looking? Was he really almost capable of beating Gai’s Lee? Was it because Kakashi knew what had actually happened now? Sasuke had run away and gone to the one place Kakashi had wanted to keep him away from.

“So where should we go and see Shikamaru?” Sasuke asked, his tone a mix between tired, frustrated and pissed off.

“They went to our old apartment; him and Lee and Gaara,” Kakashi found himself saying; he was smiling too, wasn’t he? “Apparently Shikamaru has made friends with the son of the family who bought the place.”

“Really?” Sasuke did not look the slightest bit happy about that, more the opposite. It was probably something territorial. He had lived in that apartment for a long time.

“The boy came over while you two were sleeping,” Kakashi continued. “He wanted to return something and they all left together, him, Shikamaru, Lee and Gaara.”

“Your old apartment?” Naruto seemed excited despite the sudden birth and death of a chance for more sex. “Is it far?”

“No,” Kakashi said and he didn’t want to smile but it was like someone had glued it to his lips. “It’s close.”

“No one told me that,” Naruto pouted again, not as much this time but it made him look just as childish.

“I was going to show you before we left,” Sasuke said and he sounded less grumpy when he said it. Less grounded and sexless.

“You were?”

“Yeah.”

Their voices softened, slightly but it was unmistakable. Words spoken between people in love. Lovers. The feeling in Kakashi’s stomach was like an angry gathering of bees. Since when was he the father with the shotgun? Foster father. And with a son instead of a daughter. ‘Go near my child and I will shoot.’ After all those ‘for an hour or two’ boyfriends? It made no sense at all.

“But I want to talk to you before you go, Sasuke,” Kakashi said. He had finally managed to get rid of that annoying smile. Sasuke noticed; it showed in his eyes.

“Okay,” he said.

“I’m sure Iruka will have something to occupy Naruto with,” Kakashi said. There was a moment of hesitation and tension in the kitchen, three eyes focused on Kakashi.

“I did tell Shikamaru’s mother not to worry about the dishes,” Iruka said eventually.

Naruto grumbled something that couldn’t be translated into words that could be understood.

They took Shikamaru’s room. Kakashi went first and Sasuke followed some steps behind. When the door closed the sound of Iruka and Naruto moving glasses and things in the kitchen was muffled. Kakashi turned and found Sasuke with his arms crossed over his chest.

“You’re going to yell me now?” the foster child muttered.

“Do you want me to yell at you?” Kakashi asked.

Sasuke snorted.

“No. I think you’ve done enough.”

“I was worried about you, Sasuke.”

The foster child looked away, looked surly but there was a sliver of guilt dancing on his face and pose. Kakashi moved closer to him.

“I can’t believe you’re going to let him take my CDs,” Sasuke said and his eyes focused on Kakashi’s like they were a weapon. “I know you’ve threatened, but you’ve always known better than to actually do it.”

“Actually, that was my idea,” Kakashi said.

Sasuke looked surprised, frowned, but only for a second; then he snarled and gave the floor a held-back kick. Was he angrier now that he was out of the blond’s presence? It seemed silly, but the thought still gnawed.

“I want you to know that we mean what we say,” Kakashi said before Sasuke could express his frustration with words. It did distract the foster child from sharing what must have been resting in his mouth and put a frown on his forehead instead.

“Iruka is right,” Kakashi continued. “A parent doesn’t set rules to make their children’s lives miserable, they do it to protect them.”

Sasuke sighed in a ‘you think I don’t know that?’ kind of way.

“If I let you get away with breaking the rules, I would be telling you that you don’t need to listen to me. I would be telling you that I don’t really mean what I say. If the rules don’t matter, then the reasons I set those rules won’t matter either. And they do.”

Sasuke looked a mix between ‘what have you done with my foster father?’, ‘who have you been talking to now?’ and ‘I understand.’

Kakashi had to smile and he felt calmer now. Without thinking too much about it, just going with the mood, he reached out and put his arms around Sasuke. He held onto him hard. The foster child was stiff and surprised, but his hands lifted and held onto Kakashi’s arms.

“I care about you,” Kakashi said into Sasuke’s hair. That was Shikamaru’s shampoo, wasn’t it? “I don’t care about blood relations. You’re my child.”

For a moment the room was silent and the muffled ‘washing dishes’ sounds and the cars outside seemed soothing.

“You’re weird today,” Sasuke muttered eventually. His hands shifted on Kakashi’s arms and Kakashi smiled.

“You’re a bit weird yourself,” he mumbled.

He felt a surge of that angry protectiveness come forward but fought it off. He kept the smile on his lips even though he knew Sasuke couldn’t see it. The mood had lightened, hadn’t it? They were good now, weren’t they?

“So second time was good, huh?”

Sasuke started struggling against his hold at that but not hard enough that Kakashi felt he should let go.

“I do not want to talk about that with you,” Sasuke’s voice was quite firm. Not really angry though.

“Aww,” Kakashi faked disappointment. “But I could tell you about me and Iruka. I could give you pointers and...”

“No. No, just shut up about that and change the subject before I walk away.”

“Alright,” Kakashi said. He felt frustrated. There was a distance, a thick wall between them suddenly that he had no idea how to get through. The mood hadn’t lightened at all, had it? “When we get home I’m going to call Orochimaru and tell him you won’t ever be working for him. He won’t be seeing you again.”

“But I will,” Sasuke said. “We made a deal, I’m not going back on that.”

Stubborn, idiot child that couldn’t be reached.

“Why?” Kakashi pulled back. He cradled Sasuke’s face in his hands and locked onto his eyes with his own. “Why? You don’t owe him anything. Why can’t you just leave that man alone?”

It was too much of course. Too much said and too much done. Sasuke scrunched his face up in anger and pushed away. Kakashi didn’t fight him; he felt stupid.

“You’re more than just weird,” the foster child snarled. “What’s with you?”

He looked like he wanted to leave but for some reason he stayed. He looked like he wanted to pace but he ended up just sort of shifting his weight this way and that. Sasuke glared at Kakashi as if waiting for the next thing he had to defend himself against.

How come this was so difficult all of a sudden? They had always been able to talk, despite Sasuke being a private person and Kakashi being bad at being a parent. This morning it just felt like it all got messed up. At least when they were alone. When Iruka and Naruto had been there it had been easier. It made no sense. What the hell had happened to them during these three days they had been apart?

“Anything more you want to say that I don’t want to hear?” Sasuke asked angrily. “Or can I go now?”

Kakashi remembered what Iruka had told him when they waited for time to pass a few hours earlier at the kitchen table. What he had tried to repeat to Sasuke earlier, though he wasn’t sure if he’d gotten it all right. They had been talking about what to do with the children, what consequences to give them and Iruka had said that rules and consequences for breaking them was one of the ways a parent gave their children a sense of security. ‘They need to know what to expect,’ he had said. ‘They need to know that there is one place in their world where there is no doubt about what goes and what doesn’t. They need to know that ‘no’ really means ‘no’, not ‘maybe’ or ‘if you whine enough about it’. They can’t grow up to be stable and confident in a world where not even their parent can be trusted to keep their word.’ There had been a pause, a moment of firm determination. Then Iruka’s eyes had softened and grown tired and unsure and he had sighed and covered his face with his hands. ‘Or so I’ve read.’

“Do you remember when I told you about the move?” Kakashi asked Sasuke.

Some of the anger left the foster child at that and he grew hesitant, frowning and less in need of pacing.

“Yeah, why?” he said, suspicion clinging to his voice like he must have been clinging to Naruto when Kakashi had been away. Twice. Through one bad time and one good.

“The night before that morning,” Kakashi said. “I brought Iruka home with me. It wasn’t the first time we met and I had been to his house before that, once, but it was the first time he came to me.”

There was a pause and the ‘so? What’s your point?’ was hovering in Sasuke’s eyes, but he didn’t speak.

“You came home early that night. Shikamaru brought you home.”

“You said I didn’t do anything embarrassing,” Sasuke hurried to say accusingly, anxious, as the mood told him to be. When he had said it he looked a bit surprised at the words, as if he could have picked something better. Maybe he could have.

“You were drugged, Sasuke,” Kakashi said.

A large truck drove past the building on the road outside and for a moment the sounds of doing the dishes in the kitchen couldn’t be heard.

“I don’t...” Sasuke started but his voice failed, or maybe he just couldn’t find the words.

“You told me you had lost a bet with Orochimaru and that he gave you something, but you didn’t know what it was. You were... You were like a child. You wanted to...” Kakashi sighed and shook his head. “It scared the hell out of me, Sasuke. I carried you to bed and told you I’d yell at you in the morning, but you didn’t remember a thing when you woke up. You just strolled into the kitchen like nothing had happened and asked me if I’d ever been drunk enough to lose an entire evening without even getting a headache.”

“You said that maybe I had been so horrified by the decision you’d made and told me of that my brain had blocked out the whole night,” Sasuke said slowly. “That we were moving.”

“I didn’t want to tell you,” Kakashi said. “And I didn’t think it was necessary because we wouldn’t be here anymore, because it had turned out... alright, in the end.”

Then there was silence for a long time. Neither one of them spoke and neither one of them moved; they didn’t even really look at each other. Cars passed and dishes were washed in the kitchen by their boyfriends. Children died of starvation in poor countries and other children were born. Stars faded far, far away from them and new ones came to be. They became older.

“I don’t know,” Sasuke finally spoke. Softly, softly; as if he was afraid something would run away if he spoke too loudly. “I don’t know why I... can’t leave him alone. It’s just... I don’t know.”

“You don’t need to know,” Kakashi said and his voice was soft too. He dared to take a step forward. “You’re not old enough to have to make that decision on your own. You don’t have to decide why some things are difficult and others are not. I shouldn’t ask you. I’m sorry I asked.”

Another step. Sasuke wasn’t moving.

“You just need to know... that your guardian says ‘no’. And he means it. And you can trust him.”

And he had arrived. Kakashi wrapped his arms around the foster child again and Sasuke didn’t fight. The opposite really, he pressed himself closer.

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