Self-Reliance

CHAPTER SEVEN: ALCOHOL, BUTTER, AND TEARS

*


Naruto lied about his age with surprising fluidity---usually, fudging those two years until he was a legal drinker left a bad taste in his mouth, but tonight he felt sickeningly deadened. He hovered somewhere on the edge of tears or hysterics, trying to ignore Kyuubi’s enraged howling in the back of his head. The fox had fierce words for his container, and had no qualms about sharing them.

Idiot! Moron! Mediocre, half-baked excuse for an alpha-male! You are NEVER, EVER going to get a mate and kits in your name! And with this attitude, you don’t DESERVE them! Bloody stupid---how could you do that? How could you justify abusing your own mate, and when he’s so heavily in whelp? Brat, I can’t believe you. And to think that YOU’RE supposed to be the good guy…

He went on like this for a while until he realized that his host really wasn’t listening to anything he had to say. Kyuubi hissed and growled at that, and then sunk sulkily into the lower parts of his mind, where he continued to bitch and mutter angrily.

After about twenty minutes of staring blankly at his drink, Naruto was met by a familiar smack to the side of his head. He turned slowly to see Sakura glaring at him, hands on her hips, green eyes angry and alight.

“Uzumaki Naruto,” Sakura snarled. “You’ve got some explaining to do.”

“I think it’s obvious what happened,” he deadpanned wearily.

“I think it’s obvious that neither of you really know what happened,” Sakura said smartly, and smacked the back of his head again, harder. “You are both morons. Here I was thinking that you two would take this chance to get all friendly, but no, I came in to find you being a bastard, and Sasuke in tears---the hell did you have to do to him to get him to cry? I didn’t know that was physically possible!”

“We had a fight,” Naruto replied flatly. “I won it, if you can call it that.”

“Why---why were you fighting with him?”

“Because I want to be that baby’s father, and Sasuke won’t let me. And now---now he’s proclaiming to like me, though I think it’s pretty obvious that he’s just horny and I’m the only one around to ogle…”

Sakura sighed, taking the seat next to him. “Are you evening listening to yourself? Sasuke is a high-maintenance bitch---that’s a well-known fact. But he doesn’t go around proclaiming to like just anyone. It’s pretty much the opposite, actually.”

“I think I fixed that,” Naruto said. “It’s obvious that any ‘like’ he might have been harboring has been shot to hell by me and my bad temper.”

“Oh, so that’s it. You lost your temper again, didn’t you?” Sakura asked, giving him a sideways look. The finer muscles in his back and shoulders tightened in response, and his head hung a little lower.

“I’m an idiot,” Naruto said roughly, half-growl. “There’s always something in the way. When it’s not his Uchiha bitchiness or my stupidity, it’s the village, or a mission, or my temper…I can’t believe I actually deluded myself into thinking that this might work. That him and me…that we could, maybe…”

“Live happily ever after?” she supplied in a tone she meant to sound glib, but fell abysmally flat.

“Happily ever after. Ha. So much ha. I wonder if he knows that foxes mate for life,” Naruto said softly, his eyes hazy. “I wonder if he knows that I’m possibly the biggest idiot living for choosing him in hopes of a happily ever after, but…but there it is, right? It’s not the kind of mistake I can fix.”

“So both of us have been going after the same guy all these years?” Sakura asked, then huffed a sigh. She grabbed his drink and took a long swig. “And you won. As usual.”

“No,” said Naruto, and the somberness in his voice made Sakura ache to lean in and ruffle his shaggy blond mop, to give him a one-armed hug around his broad shoulders, to do something---anything---to peel away that pinched, cold expression. “No, I didn’t win. I’ve lost it all, now.”

“Naruto---you pineapple-headed, stubborn idiot! Stop pouting! Yeah, you had a fight. Yeah, you’re a dirty bastard for losing your temper and treating him like that. No, it isn’t the end of the world. I think Sasuke will forgive you if you start repeating some of the things you’ve been muttering to me to his face---“

“No,” the kyuubi-boy repeated heatedly. “He isn’t going to forgive me just like that. You heard him---he said he hated me.” He choked on a half-hiccough, half-sob. “He said he wished I was dead.”

“Naruto---it’s Sasuke. He’s emotionally constipated. If you remember correctly, he also said that he wanted you to be there for him,” Sakura said gently. “He also said he was glad that he had you watching out for him.”

“That was before I fucked with his head,” Naruto said, head bowing like a broken flower. His long bangs---grown out because of laziness, not fashion---brushed over his darkened eyes. “Now I wouldn’t be surprised if he runs off with his babies and leaves me and the village for good.” Sakura sighed again, brushing away his bangs so that he’d turn and look at her properly.

“You’re being an idiot,” she told him insistently. “I know Sasuke, and I know he doesn’t cry over just anyone. And before I left, he was crying over you---hard. He couldn’t even get a full sentence out, he was such a stammering, damp, miserable, un-Sasuke-like mess. You hurt him probably worse than anyone has since Itachi. You know Sasuke---after his family died, he put up all those frigid-bastard wards against the world at large, but he always let you in, because you’re his equal. But then you pulled this shit, and he’s going to be ten times the brooding bastard---if you didn’t break his trust in people completely.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be making me feel better?” Naruto asked, perfectly wretched at the thought of leaving Sasuke in that kind of disarray.

“No,” Sakura said, her jade gaze implacably steely. “I’m trying to get you two morons back together, because there’s obviously something there worth saving. Sasuke loves you. Don’t ever ask him to say it, ‘cause he doesn’t work that way. And you---I think you love him, too. So what the hell are you two waiting for? Stop being such men, and kiss and make up!”

“But we are men,” Naruto pointed out plaintively, as Sakura took a long gulp of her drink---obviously, admitting that her teammates needed to get together and play kissy-face necessitated a stiff drink afterwards. It still didn’t set right with her, but she was going to have to get used to it if the asshole and the idiot were going to start having children.

“Exactly!” Sakura growled. “That’s why you have to stay together and make strong Uzumaki-Uchiha babies with incredibly unfair genetics, dammit!”

I like her logic, Kyuubi said appreciatively. See? I’m not the only one who thinks you need to have more sex. The pink thing’s cute for a lightweight.

“I’m going to go back to Konoha so that you two have some room to talk and stuff,” Sakura continued, getting waveringly to her feet. She jabbed a finger at him, glaring. “And if you don’t go back and comfort Sasuke, I’m going to so come back and kick your ass after I’m done being hung over. Keep that in mind.”

Naruto sighed and hunched over his drink, wishing he could feel even a little buzzed by it. Anything was better than nothing, and currently the nothing was leaving a gaping, tortured hole in his chest. He felt like he was bleeding inside, and from a wound he knew chakra alone wouldn’t fix.

Kyuubi, do me a big favor and let me get drunk. Just this once. Please trust me that I won’t get alcohol poisoning, and leave me to heal by my own.

Heal? Alcohol won’t heal this. Sex might, but alcohol won’t.

I know that. I just want to…to pass out a little. Sasuke probably hates me right now. Not that I’d blame him. I hate me right now. I hate me a lot right now, actually.

It’s your own fault that you’re miserable. You screwed with him, and you let yourself get worked up. I should break down the alcohol just to spite you, stupid boy. But I won’t. Deal how you will; you don’t seem up to listening to my advice, anyway.

Naruto looked down at his hands---his nails were blindingly blue, wavering in his slightly teary vision. Despite how shaky he’d been, Sasuke was as careful in nail painting as he was in everything else: the coats were even and not clumpy, and it was kind of cute to have his nails done. It was---it was something. Probably the only way Itachi had taught him to show affection, aside from beating the shit out of someone.

Precisely, Kyuubi said irritably in his head, tails twitching. Like the pink thing said, our bitch is trying to bond with you, but he knows nothing save bloodshed. He can’t seriously spar with you this late in whelp---too heavy with kits to move like that---so he has no other way to communicate with you. The bitch tried to talk, and you shot him down. Boy, you are nothing short of a dirty bastard.

I find it ironic that you’re lecturing me about human relationships, fox.

I’ve had my share of mates, he replied loftily, a nod at his sexual prowess as a centuries-old demon. And you humans are not so different from youma, save for the fact that you haven’t the barest bit of instincts, and you run silly circles around each other. Honestly---he succumbed to being your breeding bitch, he acknowledges us as alpha male, and you aren’t happy with that? What more do you want, you idiotic biped?

“I want him to love me,” Naruto mumbled aloud, ignoring how several barmates sighed in drunken agreement.

Our lives would be so much easier if you’d settle for less. Not only do you want to be Hokage, you want that Itchyha boy to bear our kits willingly and love you, too? You ask for the near impossible, as usual. He’s a ninja, a warrior---he’s not going to want to stoop to domestic bliss, sitting about carrying litters of our kits and acting the mother forever. He won’t ever bring himself to endure more than his duty as an Itchyha—one litter of kits, maybe two, just enough to ensure the wheel-eyes into the next generation. He wouldn’t stand for such permanent weakness---such dependency on us. He doesn’t want the kind of family you want, boy.

Uchiha, Naruto corrected him, grinning a little despite himself. Not Itchyha.

I hold to it that all you humans have illogical names. Fans. Bah. He seems itchy enough when you get too close to him---itchy to get his bony white hands on your---

If I were a little less drunk, I’d yell at you to stop being a pervert. But right now…now I really don’t care, because I think I am getting pretty drunk. Write a porno script in my head for all I care.

Ha, said the Kyuubi, grinning toothily. I win. In claiming victory, I want you to stop clogging up our body with sedatives, go talk to our bitch, apologize profusely, kiss him numb, and have mad sex with him. I’ll be here the whole time to give you pointers.

Gee, how encouraging, Naruto thought wryly. I do agree with the apologizing part, though. Not so much with the rest of the plan.

You know you want to!

When did you go from being the terrifying demon Kyuubi no Youko to being my slightly insane sexual pep-talker and moral advisor?

Not sure. Honestly, though, this is the most fun I’ve had in centuries. Silly ninja, getting males pregnant and then suffering the consequences…you bring it on yourself. Ah, but anyway---off to butter up the bitch!

Kyuubi joined this battle cry with a mental picture of Sasuke---stark naked and covered liberally in butter, every square inch of his flesh gleaming golden. Naruto choked on his drink, set it down before he hacked up a lung and/or spilt it down his front, and decided it was as good a time as any to confront his ‘breeding bitch’.

…with BUTTER!

Kyuubi, sometimes I fucking hate you.

*

Sasuke did not like to cry. It was not his fault, really---every memory he had of crying was innately attached to one horrendous memory or another, be it from his clan’s brutal murder to sitting in the rain beneath the waterfall at the Valley of the End and contemplating killing his best friend. Both were the rare times he’d broken down and admitted to having emotions living beneath his careful mask. Both had ended up in him losing the dearest people in his life.

Sasuke was not particularly good at crying. Not having much practice in it, he did it with a tactless clumsiness that Uchiha Sasuke was not supposed to have: when he cried, it was with a tangle of sobs so hard that they shook his ribcage and left little energy for anything else. He didn’t wipe his tears; he let them run down his face and drip morosely into the carpet. He didn’t try to stop crying, either; he just allowed the pain to run its course, bleeding out of him like a wound that wouldn’t quite heal, no matter how many tears wet the carpet or how many sobs knotted his stomach.

Sakura came in with a creased frown and a cup of tea. She made no move to touch him---even though she looked very much as if she wanted to kneel down next to her old teammate and wrap his impregnated body into a warm hug---and set the tea on his bedside table. He didn’t even spare her a glance. He just drew his knees to his chest as far as he could past his belly and cried, hating the tears almost as much as he hated the fact that Sakura had seen him like this.

“Drink the tea,” Sakura said softly, tucking a hank of pink hair behind one ear. “It’s chamomile…that should calm you down a little, Sasuke-kun. As for the moron, I’m going to go have a talk with him---and for your sake, this talk will include a lot of head-bashing.”

“Don’t even bother,” Sasuke whispered croakily, a thin whine issuing from his chest at the thought of Naruto. “…he’s not coming back.”

Sakura hissed a short curse at that---unladylike and obviously picked up from Kakashi or Tsunade, the best bad influences in her life---and stomped out of his bedroom. He heard the front door slam behind her, gave the cup of tea a dubious look, and decided that getting up to drink it was far too much effort. He stretched out on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling as he slowly caught hold of his composure. Tears slid down his temples, obviously having missed the memo that he was ready to be done with the waterworks.

Crying was painful. Crying cramped up his stomach and tightened it with sharp little twitches, making him hunch over in a desperate attempt to alleviate both the pain in his chest and the pain in his stomach. It didn’t lessen---in fact, it suddenly grew stronger, as if a pair of iron bands had suddenly wrapped around his belly and were relentlessly squeezing. The first cramp passed, and he gave a ragged sigh, wiping tears from his cheeks and chin.

But it didn’t stop for long. It wasn’t any more than five minutes later than another cramp stretched across his loins, making him hiss and double over. Mind blank with pain, Sasuke curled up on the floor and moaned. Hazy, he recognized it as more than just a simple cramp---it was harder and stronger and infinitely more risky because of that.

No way. Not now. Not yet. It’s too…too early. Fuck you, Naruto…

Early contractions. Dry so far, but that didn’t mean that they’d stay that way for long. Sakura hadn’t gone over the dangers of both anger and sorrow when this far pregnant---she hadn’t thought she’d have to, seeing as the ninja in question was Uchiha Sasuke, who had no trouble keeping his emotions in check. She hadn’t even thought to lecture him about what stress would do to his body, seeing as Sasuke losing his omnipresent cool was almost a laughable thought.

C’mon baby, Sasuke pleaded, closing his eyes and trying his best to control his breathing. Each breath seemed ripped from him, beyond his control as his stomach clenched with a tightening contraction. You’re not ready yet---calm down and stay inside me a little longer, alright?

Back arching, he fought a scream, caging it behind gritted teeth---there was nobody around to here it anyways, but Uchiha pride and his own anger against his weakness forbade him from just twisting himself into a pained ball and screaming through the increasingly vicious contractions. He knotted his hands in the carpet, writhing.

Holy hell, nobody told me that false contractions would hurt this much. This is---I feel like I’m going to split. I’d just spread my legs and have the baby right now if not for the fact that I’m barely six months along! The likelihood that the baby would be able to breathe---close to nil---

---not going to let Naruto take this away from me, too. Not going to lose the baby over him. My water hasn’t broken; it isn’t real labor, not yet…shh, shh, baby…calm down, I’m trying to relax…

…It’s not stopping. Oh God. Oh God…

Shaking, Sasuke jammed his hands together and formed the seals, whispering “Sexy-no-jutsu” and forcing the jutsu-level back to the bare minimum---a full womb inside him and nothing else. Fine, he justified, rubbing sweat and tears from his eyes with trembling hands. I’ll just take away your escape route, baby. Relax…I’m not so upset that I need you out here to comfort me.

It’d be better if your father…

Screw him. Screw Naruto. If he doesn’t want you and me, then screw him.

Complete exhaustion and the need to calm himself down coaxed Sasuke into sleeping, still curled up on the floor, every inch of his body sore and aching. It hurt to cry, hurt to move, hurt to even breathe. Who knew that hysterics could be even more painful than fighting life-or-death battles and battling the forces of evil?

Naruto shook Sasuke awake from his soggy slumber about an hour later, and while a traitorous part of him rejoiced that his rival had come back, most of him hated him on sight.

How dare he. How dare he do that to me, storm off, cause me to go into false labor, and now wake me up. The bastard has no shame.

“We need to talk,” Naruto said quietly, half-growl, half-whisper.

“Get away from me,” Sasuke growl-whispered back, tightening up into a smaller ball on the floor. He ached from sleeping in such a position, but he didn’t want his weakness to show---didn’t want anything to show, because Naruto would just take advantage of it and fling it hatefully back into his face. He’d done it with the attraction Sasuke felt for him, so why wouldn’t he do it with his weariness, his new fragility? The ‘sparring match’ had been a fantastic throw---unbeknowest to Naruto, Sasuke had spent the rest of the afternoon in the tree nursing cramps and regretting his incessant need to seem strong in front of his rival. Despite being very not. Despite hurting inside and out.

“No, you’re gonna talk to me,” Naruto snapped angrily, taking him by the wrist and pulling him to his feet with a rough jerk.

“Don’t touch me,” Sasuke snarled, his eyes swirling with the fiery red wheels of Sharingan. “I’ll kill you; don’t think that I’m incapable of Chidori now that I’m carrying this child!”

“I’m your rival,” Naruto said, rolling his eyes. “I know you better’n anyone, idiot. You wouldn’t risk the chakra your baby needs to grow an’ be healthy.”

“You’re not my rival,” Sasuke hissed. “You’re not enough of a man to be my rival.”

“So that’s it, isn’t it?” Naruto asked in a voice so hard and flat that it grated. “I was good enough to screw to get yourself knocked up, but I’m not a good enough man to be your baby’s father?” He snorted and looked away, his jaw clenched at a tight angle. “Is anyone good enough for you to actually love, you selfish bastard?”

“I didn’t see any other way,” Sasuke replied evenly, not about to let Naruto know that his words flayed like knives.

Don’t give him anything, not even vulnerability; he’ll hurt you with it…

“No other way? Did---I dunno---talking to me about it ever pop up? I guess getting me drunk outta my mind and then tryin’ to fool me with a woman’s body was a much easier way, though---no messy feelings there to screw with Mr. Avenger.” Naruto quirked a slight smile, bitter and frosty. “An’ to think you thought you had stupid ‘ol Naruto fooled. Never thought to change your scent, though, an’ I took one whiff of your skin an’ hair…” His voice wobbled off, teetering into a small mumble. “…An’ I knew that I had Uchiha Sasuke in my bed, which was crazy shit. It just took me a coupla months to figure out why th’hell you did it.”

He paused, looking at Sasuke with impassively blue eyes.

“Did it ever occur to you that I might have agreed to it willingly?”

“You---“ Sasuke spluttered, shaking his head. “You and Sakura---“

“Me an’ Sakura?” Naruto repeated, reeling with a snort. “Are ya kidding me? I’m like her freakin’ little brother…or a pineapple. Or something else she wouldn’t have sex with. I…you’ve always been the precious person I’ve tried to protect. You know that. I don’t know what shit you’ve been tellin’ yourself, but---God, if I had known you wanted to have my kid, I woulda done a freaking jig! I would have carried it for you, even---you’re not the only one who can pull off a decent Sexy-no-jutsu! Even if you don’t want to…to be with me, even if I’m just some---sperm donor thingie-dude to you, I would’ve done it happily. ‘Cause you’re you. You need kids to loosen you up some. You need some little people who adore you endlessly to…to make you happier, ‘cause you won’t let anyone else do it. I know that’s why you couldn’t, like, ask me nicely to sleep with you an’ stuff…’cause you’re all scared of rejection an’ shit, an’ you’re all grr-argh-I’m-the-AVENGER!-I-must-drink-the-blood-of-small-children-and-kill-my-girly-brother! But still, I would’ve wanted some part in that kid’s life; I would’ve wanted to buy ‘em their first bowl of ramen if nothing else. But you cut me outta the picture. Totally.”

“Uchiha Sasuke can’t have a lover,” Sasuke ground out finally, hating the tears that were pricking at his eyes again---baby, you’re not making this any easier for me… “Uchiha Sasuke has to reclaim his clan, kill his brother, and uphold the familial honor. As far as the village elders see it, there is no room for obnoxious, last-place idiots in there.”

“So screw ‘em!” Naruto said firmly, hands on his hips. “If you want me t’be here for you an’ your kids, I will be. I want to be. I’ll be here as long as you want me, an’ probably for a long, long time after that, too, jus’ ‘cause I’m a badgering pest an’ I think you’re the hottest thing on legs, despite being male an’ bulgingly pregnant. Hell, maybe it’s because you’re male and bulgingly pregnant…I dunno.”

Sasuke gave him a long look, realizing that the kyuubi-boy was swaying a little. Despite having only the barest trace of a slur, it was obvious that Naruto was positively smashed. He would never have so blatantly admitted to being attracted to him any other way; liquor had loosened his tongue enough to let fun little things slip.

“Naruto, are you drunk?” Sasuke asked in a tone of utter disbelief.

“No…”

The blond jounin paused again, thinking about it. Then he shrugged laxly, a mawkish grin on his face.

“Mebbe jus’ a li’l. I was jus’ gonna try to drink away how much you must hate me right now, but Sakura-chan an’ the Kyuubi said I had to apoli…apologent…” He blinked hazily. “Say I’m sorry. ‘Cause I’m a dirty bastard. An’ I’m not jus’ saying that ‘cause I’m drunk.”

“You are a dirty bastard,” Sasuke agreed wholeheartedly.

Naruto chewed on his lower lip, looking contrite.

“Sakura-chan said you’ve been cryin’ all evening. Izzat true? ‘Cause I’m sorry; I really am if you’ve been cryin’ an’ stuff. I did mean to hurt your feelings ‘cause I was pissed, but I’m sorry I did it. It was…stupid. An’ mean. An’ I’m a dirty bastard for it.”

“I’m starting to wonder if all the major breakthroughs in our relationship are going to revolve around you being intoxicated,” Sasuke said with a sigh, rubbing distractedly at his sore belly. False contractions and crying for a good two hours hadn’t done anything positive to his spasmodically clenching stomach muscles---if they hadn’t been a mess of knots before, they certainly were now. “Look, Naruto…I---I can only take so much. I’m not like you, I’m not like Sakura---I avoid love like the plague, because it’s always equated weakness in my mind. If you are going to leave, leave and be done with it. I can’t live not knowing where we stand---“

Sasuke bowed his head. Stupid tears were coming back for an encore.

“If you don’t want to love me, then fine. I probably don’t deserve it at this point. But right now I’m just---s-stranded, not knowing, afraid…if it comes to that, I fucking surrender, okay? You can win this time. I don’t care anymore.”

Completely unexpectedly, Naruto stepped up to him and drew Sasuke into his arms, sniffling raggedly into his hair. At first, Sasuke was in far too much shock at the embrace to realize that Naruto was crying; he gaped in a very un-Uchiha-like manner as the kyuubi-boy clung and sobbed hysterically, his face buried against his neck. Sasuke could feel the warmth of his tears on his collarbone, the shaky sobs rattling in his chest. Naruto was loud and slightly obnoxious in everything, even tears.

“This isn’t a fight, dammit! You don’t have to surrender anything! I shoulda---shoulda thought for a second before I did that to you! I was jus’ so angry an’ shit, an’ Iwanted to get back at you…but gettin’ you upset hurts the baby, an’ what kinda dirty bastard am I that I’d hurt a baby, ‘specially our baby?”

“Naruto---“

“I jus’ love you, y’know that? An’ you don’t love me back at all; you jus’ want my body, an’ I don’t ‘zactly blame you, but---“ He transferred one aqueous blue eye to Sasuke’s face, a beg so clear in his eyes it was painful. “---but couldn’t you jus’ like me for me? Jus’ a little? I mean…you probably don’t know this ‘cause you’re The Avenger, but loving someone feels good. Real good. An’ I really, really love you, even when you hate me an’ call me dobe, an’…even when you storm off an’ say mean things an’ hurt me, ‘cause it’s something, y’know. ”

“I do know what it feels like,” Sasuke said as his child kicked a reminder of its love and existence to him. He tentatively stroked back Naruto’s tangled mess of blond hair. He smelt strongly of alcohol and sweat, and he breathed it in deeply. “…because I do like you---more than lust, more than desperation. I just…can’t quite express it. Not with words. Not like you can, even completely drunken. I’m an Uchiha, goddammit, and we’re not so good with these things. The killing and the pain, yes, but love---we suck at love. At least Itachi and I suck at love, and we’re the only Uchihas left to go off of, and…and your rambling is catching. I’ll shut up, now.”

“So you don’t hate me?” Naruto asked hopefully.

“No,” Sasuke said quietly. “I lied when I said that. You’re too obnoxious to hate. So I’ll forgive you, if you’ll forgive me for doing this to you in the first place. We’ve both been stupid, and if you ever pull shit like that with me again, I’ll kill you on the spot, baby in my belly or no.”

“Yeah,” mumbled Naruto, loosening his grip on him and going unexpectedly limp. “I wouldn’t blame you, either. I can forgive you---‘cause I love you. You’re mine. An’ ‘cause I like your fat tummy…it reminds me of…teddy bears…or somethin’....”

And with that, he fell into a blissfully drunken slumber, dead weight in Sasuke’s arms. Sasuke sighed and more than half dragged him to his convenient futon, sprawling him against the covers and kneeling to remove his sandals, flak jacket, Konoha head-protector, and the multitude of pointy lethal objects tucked into various nooks and crannies of his clothing. He laid these various articles in a heap next to his bedside, kicking off his own sandals with a yawn.

Some day this had turned out to be. He’d gone from Naruto hating every fiber of his being (as evidenced by the vicious tease game he’d played), to having the ninja gush lubricated adulations of his love. And on top of that, he’d found that Naruto thought he was fat (like a teddy bear? What the hell had he been drinking?), and liked it, too. Sasuke glared at him with mock irritation, thinking stupid dobe, before curling up next to the ecstatically snoring drunk and drawing the covers up over both of them. Naruto instinctively snuggled nearer the source of warmth, tucking his cheek against the delightfully ripe swell of Sasuke’s belly, a silly grin widening across his face as he---and Sasuke wouldn’t have thought it possible had he not heard it himself---purred contentedly.

Sasuke allowed himself a smile as well, kissing the top of the dobe’s head.

He’d forgotten how warm it was to sleep with someone else.

*

Sasuke woke up the next morning to find himself alone on the futon, a blanket carefully tucked in around him. At first he was just disappointed (he’d had a vision in his head of waking up snuggled up with the kyuubi-boy, warm and needlessly clichéd), but then he was terrified to find the blankets cold beside him---Naruto was gone, Naruto had left, Naruto was probably back in Konoha for all he knew. So much for reconciliation.

What had last night been, then, Sasuke wondered as he sniffled a little, hooking his arms around his swollen belly and curling up on his side. A drunken joke on Naruto’s behalf?

The fucking moron. Stupid Naruto, stupid me, stupid, stupid…

“Stupid,” Naruto said brightly, kneeling down next to Sasuke and planting a warm kiss on his cheek, as if little shows of affection like that were the most natural thing in the world. Which, for the rest of the world, they were, but for Sasuke and Naruto’s relationship---not so much. The only time they’d kissed, really, was during sex, and those kisses had been more like passionate bites. For their relationship, they showed affection best by glaring, name-calling, and throwing things. Boys would be boys. “You forgot to take your vitamins yesterday, didn’t you?”

“I---what? Naruto?” Sasuke blinked, rolling over to look up at the blond jounin. He hadn’t heard him come in (he’d been too busy brooding). Naruto was leaning over him and smiling, a glass of water and a rainbow of prenatal vitamins in hand.

“You’d think you were the one who’d been drunk last night,” he said with a laugh. “And not me. How’re you feeling? Any better? I’m really sorry that---“

“Enough with the apologizing,” Sasuke said, more irritated than magnanimous. “It’s getting damn annoying.”

“Sorry,” Naruto muttered, scratching at his spiky blond hair. “I just feel bad.”

“We’ve already gone over this: you are a dirty bastard,” Sasuke said, stretching with a yawn. “And don’t worry---I’ll give you plenty of chances to make it up to me. What are you doing up so early, anyways?”

“Junior woke me up---I guess it didn’t take very well to being slept on.” Naruto grinned cheerfully, gently patting the mound of Sasuke’s belly through the covers. “That baby does kick hard.”

“Your fault,” Sasuke said flatly. “Completely your fault for giving it so much of your energy.”

“Hey!” Naruto argued. “Who are you pointing fingers at? Your taijutsu is way better n’ mine! I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s your half of our genetics that it’s taking after!”

“Our genetics…God. I still need to wrap my mind around that one. I just---I just can’t believe you’ve known this whole time,” Sasuke said, giving him a dark look that conferred vast volumes of disbelief. “I thought I’d been careful.”

“Do you realize,” Naruto said very, very calmly. “That I woke up on October 11th looking like I’d been mauled by a wild animal? I had bite marks on my neck, shoulders, arms, stomach…thighs, ass…etc….Kyuubi wouldn’t heal ‘em, either, because he thought it was hilarious. So did Kakashi and Ero-Sennin, actually. If those three got together, they’d end up good friends, I think. A beautiful union of crotchety old perverts.”

“Oh,” said Sasuke, and then “…oh…” again, that one syllable literally jammed with meaning.

“Not that you’d notice I was covered in bites, because you were too busy trying to ignore me,” Naruto grinned. “You couldn’t look me in the eye for weeks after that, even though you thought I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t realize I left marks,” Sasuke mumbled. “I just, er, got into it a little more than I thought I would…”

“Meant to be, I say,” he said. “And I liked being able to tote around love bites. I liked announcing to anyone and everyone that I’d had wild sex with Uchiha Sasuke, and I was proud of it. Although, I suppose you’re announcing it a little more than I was…”

“Announcing we had sex? What do you mean?”

“Your big belly!” Naruto laughed, poking said belly. “It all but screams ‘look, I got laid, and I’m having his baby’! And you’re doing the whole motherly glow thing, too, which is very cute.”

“And again with the cute issue,” Sasuke said, rolling his eyes. “Pervert.”

“Hey, you’re the one living in my ero-jutsu,” Naruto pointed out. “I think you win the pervert match.”

“Bah. You should have designed it better, joke jutsu or not. It takes up too much energy, and when my chakra fluctuates, everything goes to shit. Like last night…” Sasuke paused, all humor stripped from his tone (not that there had been much there anyways). “Yesterday I started having contractions. I was too worked up to hold the jutsu point properly, so my body freaked out and tried to terminate the pregnancy. Turning fully male save for the womb itself was the only thing I could think of to make it stop. It did, but I’ll still need to see Sakura to make sure everything is alright in there.”

Naruto’s silence at that was long and strange, heavy in a way that disturbed Sasuke.

“I’m sorry.”

“No more sorries---I know, alright? Stop tripping over yourself like some kind of prepubescent teenage girl. Only one of us can be soggy and female at a time, mind you, and as the pregnant one, I have dibs on the position. Stop giving me that look---you’re moping.”

“Am not,” Naruto said, and moped all the harder. He looked wilted.

Sasuke sighed. “Come here, you moron.”

“What?” the kyuubi-boy asked, brow furrowing. “So you can have a go at my face with Chidori? Not that I don’t deserve it---I mean, contractions, God---“

“No,” Sasuke interrupted, and gestured with one lazy hand. “Come here, get under the damn covers, and spoon, snuggle, cuddle, grope, or whatever the hell it is that will make you feel better. This sulking act is irritating me to no end, and if it takes snuggling with you to fix that, so be it.”

Naruto didn’t need any more encouraging on the matter. He obediently crawled into bed next to Sasuke, sliding in close enough that they shared a pillow, noses nearly touching, bodies gently pressed together. The rounded curve of Sasuke’s belly fit neatly into the slight hollow of Naruto’s, as if they were meant to match that way. Naruto’s warm sigh ruffled the Uchiha heir’s dark hair, but it was far less content than Sasuke would have liked to hear.

“Were the contractions bad?” he inquired softly, duly noting the pained twitch that passed over Sasuke’s face.

“Honestly? They hurt like a son of a bitch. I was afraid I was going to go into premature labor, and at six months without a medic-nin present, I probably would have lost the baby.”

Naruto’s stomach clenched painfully. For Sasuke to be that honest, it had to have been bad. Really bad. Bad enough to supercede his generalist nature, bad enough that one arm subconsciously cradled his stomach, as if to comfort the babies nestled inside.

“I---fuck me.” Naruto growled, his guilt and irritation battling for supremacy. “I’ve always known that my temper is my worst vice, but I…I can’t believe I didn’t think. I’m so sorry, Sasuke, I can’t even find the right words to express it---I just---I hurt with how stupid I was…I should’ve been at least a little more understanding, ‘cause I know you and how your mind works, I---”

Sasuke took his hand, glared at him, and bit it. Not a happy little nibble, either---it was a deep bite into the thin webbing between his thumb and pointer finger, enough that Naruto winced. He left definite teeth marks, dark red against the tender skin of his hand.

“Next time you say you’re sorry, I will bite you so hard this baby will feel it. Stop apologizing! You nearly broke my heart last night, and yet you’re the one moping about,” Sasuke said grouchily. “Stop being such a woman. I’m giving you the chance to snuggle with no strings attached, and I will be extremely pissed if you don’t enjoy it.”

“Well, not to be calling the kettle black or anything, but you broke my heart twice,” Naruto mumbled sulkily. “The day you left Konoha was the worst day of my life.”

“Second worst of mine,” Sasuke mused.

“What?”

“Never mind. I can’t believe beating your ass into the ground and then leaving broke your heart. What are you made of, tissue paper?”

“It wasn’t about being beaten; honestly, I don’t think that battle counts on either of our tallies. It was about…being left. I loved you even then,” Naruto said quietly, and his bitten hand found Sasuke’s beneath the covers, twining his calloused fingers with his slimmer, softer ones. Sasuke did not pull away. “I was still a kid, so I didn’t really understand what my attachment to you meant, but it was something a hell of a lot like love. I didn’t want to fight you at the Valley of the End. I wanted to apologize for never working up the courage to talk to you as a kid, because you needed it so bad, and I knew that. I needed a friend, too, but I had Chouji, Kiba, and Shikamaru as playmates and Iruka-sensei as a pseudo-father. After your clan…you didn’t have anything but hatred.”

“You sound like you’ve thought about this a lot,” Sasuke said, a little surprised at the tremor in his voice.

“Three years straight,” Naruto admitted. “Out training with Ero-sennin, I didn’t have a hell of a lot else to think about. Mostly, all I could think about was what I did wrong: what I should have said, what I should have done, and how I had to make it better somehow. I had to make it up to you, because…I never really figured out how to put that ‘because’ into words, but it’s because of this feeling in my chest, this loneliness that we both shared as kids. I kept berating myself for being an idiot and not just saying it to you, promising myself that I wouldn’t ever let you leave me again. But I almost did, didn’t I? I almost drove you away again.”

“It was more of a matter of you being driven away, seeing as I’m too pregnant to waddle too far off on my own. I was debating setting up traps outside right before you got back,” Sasuke agreed calmly. “And they would have been messy. You would have lost limbs. Hopefully ones that are equated with reproduction.”

“Er…yeah…I’m sorry I got you so upset---don’t bite me; that’s the last time I’m going to say it, I swear. It just…it could have seriously endangered the kits---the babies---baby---“ Naruto creased a frown, rubbing at his forehead. “---and hell, I need to get Kyuubi out of my head. He’s confusing me…”

“Kits?” Sasuke asked, wrinkling his nose. “You know something about my baby that I don’t? I swear to all things holy that if the thing growing in my gut’s furry, I will kick your ass ten different ways for not advertising your genetic defects, kyuubi-boy.”

“No---well, yeah. I might know something,” Naruto mumbled, looking away as if he was acutely embarrassed. “It’s just…don’t you think you’re---I dunno---kinda…you know…big for just starting six months? I mean, I was looking at the books and stuff, and they were saying you should only gain about thirty pounds full term.”

“And I’ve gained over twenty at six months,” Sasuke agreed sullenly, seeing where the dobe was going with his mumbled spiel. “Yes, I do realize I’ve gotten big---more self-indulgence than I should have allowed myself, aided by your compulsory feeding. This will present a problem when I return to Konoha grievously overweight. On the bright side, the women might stop chasing me then, which would serve as a mild blessing in disguise.”

“Weeeeellllll…” Naruto mumbled again, drawing out the word as if he wanted to suggest something else, but was afraid to. “I was, um, thinking that it might---might not be just that. You’re bony, and all the weight you’ve gained has just been baby-weight---in fact, you haven’t been eating enough just for yourself, much less for a person and a half---so I was kinda thinking, um, that maybe it’s not that kind of weight. Not fat-fat. Maybe it’s, you know…baby fat.”

“And by that you mean…?”

“That I’m the Kyuubi---er, not really the Kyuubi; I have the Kyuubi in me, and it affects me sometimes. Usually at inopportune times. You know that. And the Kyuubi’s a fox, and foxes don’t have babies like humans do…and…and you fill in the blank.”

“What on earth are you going on about?”

Naruto bit his lower lip.

“I,” he said seriously, unwavering. “Am very, very fertile.”

“No kidding,” Sasuke muttered. “I slept with you once and I got knocked up.”

“No, I mean---well, yeah, but---just---gah! Foxes have litters!” Naruto squeaked, sounding humiliated to have said it. He was pink to the very tips of his ears. “As in more than one baby at a time! As in I think you might have more than one baby stuffed in there since I’m the father!”

“Please tell me you’re being irrational again,” Sasuke half-moaned, glancing down at his belly and its mysterious contents. “Please tell me you’re not serious.”

“I think I might be,” Naruto said with a painful little grin. “I mean, I never thought about it before, ‘cause I didn’t think I’d ever have kids, but…but you have gotten big, and I was worried about it. It makes sense, really---that you started showing so early, and that your morning sickness has been so bad, and…stuff.”

“So…twins?” Sasuke murmured dazedly.

“Yeah, two,” he licked his lips uneasily. “Or three. Or---or four. Or maybe more, because…because it is the Kyuubi, so nine is its sacred number.”

“N-nine?” Sasuke whimpered. Did he even have enough room in his fine-boned body to house nine babies?

“Not that I think you’re having nine babies, because you’d get really big really fast in the next couple months if that’s the case. We’d definitely need to go back to Konoha if we think that might be happening, because we’d need Tsunade’s help to get you through this last trimester and the birth and…um…you get the picture.” He paused as Sasuke seemed to waver a bit, all the color draining from his already very pale face. “….Sasuke, are you okay? Oh shit---”

He was only just able to cradle Sasuke as he went limp, falling into a very un-Uchiha-like faint.

*
Sasuke came to after about twenty minutes of frantic poking and worrying. He stared at Naruto for a moment, fuzzily confused, until the comments spoken before his faint surfaced to the top and he groaned, face in his hands.

Naruto had the look of a puppy that was guiltily wagging its tail, ears drooping, absolutely positive it’d done something wrong. His reassuring smile was strained, and a worry-crease lined his forehead. He was more than a little pale---Sasuke had never seen such a ghostly sheen on his usually ruddy, whiskered face. He sat at the foot of the futon and nervously twiddled his thumbs.

“Just…just out of curiosity, how long are you going to make it?”

“Make what?” Sasuke asked blearily as the kyuubi-boy all but cringed at the sound of his voice.

“My death,” he said shortly, half in whimper. “I wouldn’t blame you for killing me, either---I just want to interject that if you do it quickly and cleanly, you won’t have so much blood to mop up later. Swift and clean would be nice, although you’re probably hoping to cut off my balls. Could I convince you to do that post-mortem, so that I can at least die a full man?”

“Naruto, why the hell would I want to kill you?” Sasuke asked flatly, giving him a dark glare. “Much less cut off your balls?”

“Because I got you pregnant,” Naruto said, and blushed somewhat endearingly. “Really, really pregnant.”

“Which I wanted,” Sasuke pointed out, attempting to lever himself into a sitting position. Naruto was instantly at his side, a tentatively helpful hand settling him into a more comfortable position. His touches were as light as could be, as if he feared getting bitten again. His fear was probably very much justified. “Despite being unaware of exactly how fertile you were, I did want to conceive. But God, are you serious about nine babies crammed into my stomach?”

“Probably not nine, but I don’t know---Kyuubi’s being completely stiff on the whole thing, and the baby-smell is---er---heavier than it should be---but I can’t tell how many babies. I don’t have any kind of natural doujutsu, and it’s too risky for you to use yours right now. I’m sorry---sorry that I’m not being any help; I’m hella rattled right now---shit, shit, shit, we should just go back to Konoha. I can’t guarantee the babies’ health myself, and the risk-level of your pregnancy just shot through the fucking roof. We need to see Tsunade-hag.”

“Naruto, you’re babbling.”

“I…I know, but…I mean it, Sasuke. We should go back to Konoha.”

“I’ve done fine thus far,” Sasuke replied guardedly. Honestly, the thought of returning to Konoha like---like this---made him break out in a cold sweat. “I think I’d know if my baby…” He paused, rubbing at his forehead. “…babies…were in any kind of danger.”

“One word,” Naruto said, his eyes taking on a reddish gleam. “Itachi.”

Sasuke had a word of his own when it came to that: “Fuck.”

“I know. But it’d be safer, Sasuke---everyone would want to protect you, not just me. Everyone, even if they don’t like you---the ones that don’t like you like me, and vice-versa. There’s not much out there more precious than an unborn baby, and a whole village of ninja is a hell of a lot safer than me and that bookstore chick who barely got past genin.”

“Aido-san isn’t a ninja,” Sasuke said, frowning.

“Oh yes she is,” Naruto argued. “I used to see her at Ichiraku all the time when I was a kid. I looked it up, even---twenty-three, retired chuunin. Hasn’t ever done anything spectacular, and therefore not the kind of person that can protect you.”

“I didn’t think I’d become this much of a burden,” Sasuke said tiredly, pulling the covers up over his head. He mumbled desolately through the fabric. “Ever.”

“You’re not a burden,” Naruto said gently, blue eyes kind. “I’ve never thought of you as a burden! I like taking care of you, stupid! Think of it as karma if you want---you spent months when we were first matched as genin taking care of me because I was a weak little last-place bastard, so now I’m repaying you for it. I’m stronger than you right now, mostly because I’m not six months pregnant and carrying twenty pounds worth of babies through the middle. Don’t…don’t worry about it, okay? Don’t stress out over it, or the contractions might start up again, and then everything would go to hell in a hand basket. I’ll take care of you, Sasuke.”

Peeking his head out from under the covers and looking at Naruto---really looking at him, at the resolution in those blue eyes, and the stubbornly squared jaw---Sasuke knew he meant what he said and he said what he meant. That was his ninja way, wasn’t it? To never take anything back, especially I-love-yous.

There was something comforting in that. Sasuke leaned forward and actually initiated a hug, though it was as brief, hard, and manly as he could make it---despite the fact that he kind of had to angle his belly so that he didn’t squish the baby (babies? He had to get used to that) between them. Naruto blinked, and then grinned blindingly, in a childishly gleeful way that made hugging him utterly worth it.

“So how do you plan to get my very pregnant self back to Konoha?” Sasuke asked wryly. “It’d only take an hour or two at normal pace, but my pace has been cut down to an ignoble waddle. You’re going to have to factor that into this plan of yours.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Naruto said, and grinned all the wider. “I’ve got an idea.”

Sasuke didn’t particularly like the way Naruto said that.


*

“Hey, Sakura-chan! You running any missions right now? No? Good! I’ve got something for you---it’ll blow your mind, too…yeah, it’s got everything to do with Sasuke…heh, yeah. Bring some not-too-girly maternity clothes, some makeup, and---yeah, I did say makeup---and please, please don’t tell anyone about this. Especially Sasuke. It’ll be better if we surprise him, because then he won’t have time to whine and brood and disagree. See you then, Sakura-chan!”

And to Sasuke, Naruto only said “Don’t worry! I’ve got it covered!”.

Naturally, Sasuke did worry.

When Naruto planned ahead, only pain came of it.