Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 1st 2006, Wednesday
second version: July 4th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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07: The sometimes things

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When Kakashi came home from work that first Monday, he found half of Sasuke on the table and the rest of him on a chair. His head was resting on the tabletop, forehead down and face hidden by hair. The schoolbag lay on the floor, flap dropped open, a pencil having rolled out on the floorboards. Kakashi could hear the music playing in Sasuke’s ears from the doorway. He didn’t have to look at the sink to know that it hadn’t been used since he made breakfast this morning.

“Sasuke?” he said as he entered the kitchen. Sasuke didn’t move. Kakashi stopped behind the chair and carefully lifted the headphones from his ears. The music grew stronger and he winced at the volume. Sasuke didn’t move. Even though he had expected something like this, Kakashi’s stomach had the time to curl around itself with worry before the words came from hidden lips against table.

“What?”

The voice was hard and clear. Sharp and wide awake. Kakashi felt himself let go of a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding. Clear and wide awake was good.

“I’m home,” he said. “Why haven’t you eaten?”

“Because this place makes me sick.”

“I thought we had agreed you would eat when you came home from school.”

“I’m not home.”

“I’m serious, Sasuke.”

The anger radiating from Sasuke was almost visible and definitely palpable. He was tense as a bow string right before the arrow was released and the air around him should have crackled. His head turned and hair fell away to reveal dark eyes gleaming and furiously burrowing. Kakashi didn’t flinch, though his heart ached. Gleaming, burrowing fury could not hide the swollen redness of tears that had been, nor could it hide the shine of the ones that wanted to come.

“So am I,” Sasuke growled. “This is not home.”

“I’ve sold the apartment, Sasuke,” Kakashi stood his ground. “This is home.”

The fury turned to motion and Sasuke charged to his feet. The chair almost fell. He snatched the headphones from Kakashi’s hands. He was shaking; one hand clenched around the headphones and one around itself. A slow trickle had started from his eyes and Sasuke wiped at it with his sleeve in violent motions.

“I hate this place,” he said. “I hate these people, that flirt of yours and his fucking offspring. I hate this house, I even hate the air.”

Sasuke’s eyes were burning with anger and shining with tears, staring straight into Kakashi’s. They were challenging, daring Kakashi to try and talk him down from his mountain of fury. ‘Say I’m wrong,’ they said. ‘Say I’m unreasonable and wrong’. But Sasuke didn’t want to come down; he wanted a reason to climb higher. He wanted to be angry. ‘Say I’m wrong and I’ll show you anger.’

Kakashi gave a half, joyless smile and turned, walked toward the fridge.

“We need some dinner. I’ll call you when it’s time to eat.”

Because there was nothing left to say, nothing that hadn’t already been said or shouted several times. And there was no reasoning with teenagers that wanted to be angry. A moment of nothing but silence pulsing with tension passed; then Sasuke snarled and his bare feet carried him away in a half run, half walk. Kakashi waited with his hand wrapped around the handle to the fridge door until the door to Sasuke’s room was slammed shut. The few glasses and plates that had made their way to the cupboards rattled. Kakashi sighed. Pulled open the fridge and poked at packages to try and find something dinner worthy. His heart was still aching.

‘Sometimes you have to do things for your children even though they hate it and think they don’t need it. Even though you hate it.’

‘That’s parenting’, Kakashi had been told. The move had been such a thing. Kakashi had known Sasuke would hate it; the place, the people, the house, the air; but he had moved them anyway because that was what Sasuke had needed. The city had started to hurt him.

-

Kakashi had first met Sasuke when Sasuke was eight. It had been an unofficial meeting at a café one Saturday, with just the two of them and a social worker friend of Kakashi’s. Sasuke had seemed confidence incarnate and Kakashi had been so nervous his hands had been shaking under the table. It hadn’t even been his idea, becoming a foster father. It was the social worker friend that had called him.

‘There is this kid, and I know you and I know the only time you think about kids is when you’re drunk and imagine the worst thing that could happen to you, but please, please, he really needs someone and I think you’re it.’

Uchiha Sasuke; an orphan. He had been in a mental institution since he was five. Kakashi’s stomach had gone cold. He’d had a friend with that name. The social worker friend had said that was the reason she’d called.

The meeting at the café had been followed by a week of heavy thinking and even heavier drinking; then Kakashi had signed up at the foster care agency, starting the process of becoming a foster father. The social worker had made sure Sasuke found his way to him.

Officially, foster care was just until a permanent home could be found, but Kakashi and Sasuke had been a fairly unofficial case from the beginning. Seven years had passed and Sasuke was still a foster child. The few attempts to have him adopted had failed. Kakashi didn’t know how or why they had managed, but they had. They were family. Amazing really.

-

At the moment Sasuke was not so much a foster child as he was the human version of a very dark cloud. The kind that hovers over your house and threatens with rain that will flood your basement, now and then rumbling to make sure you know it can hit you in the head with lightning bolts as well.

Sasuke had been against the move from the second he heard of it. That he needed a change of environment was just a load of fucking crap that Kakashi had come up with to fuck with Sasuke’s head. They were not leaving, he had said, and shouted. ‘No way in hell am I moving to some hole of a fucking village hours away from my friends. Forget it.’

Kakashi had never really felt like a father and had never tried to be. From the moment he first heard of the boy who had lost his parents to what could only be described as sad, sad tragedy, Kakashi had known he could never pretend to be his father. The only thing he could try for was partner, friend. Not because Kakashi needed a friend, but because Sasuke didn’t need a new father.

He had wanted Sasuke to feel that he had some control over his life, a say in what happened to him. While there were things that no one had any control over, most things were most definitely up to you and Kakashi had wanted Sasuke to know that. They had made the decisions that mattered together, after discussion, from the first day Sasuke moved in seven years ago.

Kakashi had been told that it was a bad decision, that a child was not mature enough to handle that sort of responsibility; but Sasuke was not a child. He had been through more than many adults could handle the nightmare of and Kakashi had never thought he knew more about life than Sasuke did. They had talked and agreed and decided together.

The decision to move had been different. There had been no agreement, no handshake over the kitchen table or toast in milk that Sasuke could roll his eyes at. Kakashi had tried, to talk and make him understand, but Sasuke didn’t want to. ‘No way.’

Kakashi’s heart had ached and still ached, but that was parenting. Both the social worker and Sasuke’s therapist had agreed that it was a good decision. It was a good decision. It was the only reasonable decision. But for the first time since they started living together, Kakashi had used his power as a foster father and changed Sasuke’s life without his consent. Sasuke had every right to be angry.

So Kakashi let him be a furious dark cloud; only growling ‘fucking asshole...’ now and then, slamming the doors, leaving a mountain of dishes in the sink for Kakashi to deal with when he came home from work. As long as he went to school, came back again and ate properly, and he did, Kakashi would let him deal with the situation as he needed to.

Sasuke’s therapist had told Kakashi not to worry, since that first time he’d told her about them moving and she’d agreed it was a good idea. ‘He’s going to need some time,’ she had said. ‘But he can handle it. He knows you’re right.’ Kakashi hadn’t been so sure about that last part, nor the middle part. He couldn’t quite help worrying, worrying that Sasuke might not come back from school one day, having taken a bus back to the city or called someone to pick him up.

-

When Saturday and the one week anniversary of the move in came, Kakashi used the free time to unpack the things that were still in their boxes. Plates and glasses and pots and spatulas and kitchen towels. Books and pens and notebooks. Toothpaste and sponges and soaps and shampoo and bathroom towels. Clothes and band aids and detergent. The moving boxes had been folded together and stuffed into closets. Sasuke only left his room for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It felt like he was away somewhere, and maybe he was.

Sunday was like Saturday except Kakashi didn’t have anything left to unpack so he ended up watching a lot of bad Sunday TV. He did call Iruka though, three times. First time no one picked up. Second time Iruka explained that was because he and Naruto had been out shopping. ‘We have nice weather today,’ Iruka said and Kakashi heard he was smiling. He glanced out the window and agreed; smiled too. When Kakashi hung up it felt like a bit of the nice weather had moved into his heart. He spent a long time just staring at the ceiling and smiling. Then he called a third time and asked Iruka to help him find the nearest supermarket because he was running out of groceries. Iruka chuckled.

“You met me at the nearest supermarket the day before yesterday,” he said. “Remember? You hopped out from behind a stack of canned beans and made me drop a pack of macaroni.”

“Oh yeah,” Kakashi smiled. “That was you. Sorry.”

But Iruka came with him to the supermarket anyway.

-

On Monday Kakashi got a call at work from Sasuke’s homeroom teacher. He was told that his foster son had been in a fight with another student and that they needed to talk about it. ‘Could you and Sasuke-kun come to school this evening?’

When Kakashi came home Sasuke sat at the kitchen table, like he had one week earlier but this time he sat up straight. Straighter. Kakashi noted no mountain of dishes in the sink.

“Did you eat?” became his first question.

“Yeah,” Sasuke turned his head and glared. He had a black eye and plenty of band-aids.

“So,” Kakashi wondered why he didn’t feel angrier. “A fight?”

“He pissed me off.”

It could have been the change in Sasuke that kept the anger away. The tension and threat of rain was not nearly as intense as it had been. It was... like the storm had come and gone and the air was clearer. No blue sky just yet but it was closer now. The cloud had grown thinner.

“Let’s go,” Kakashi sighed. Sasuke came without a fuss.

The drive to school was silent. Kakashi didn’t ask about what had happened because he was sure he’d get to hear it eventually; what Sasuke would share at least. This was not the first time they had come to school together because Sasuke had been fighting with another student. It had been a while since the last time though.

Iruka and Naruto were already there when Kakashi and Sasuke arrived at school. Kakashi was surprised to see them, that Naruto was the other student; mainly because he thought Iruka would have called him if something like this had happened. For a moment Kakashi worried, about them, but not for very long. Iruka looked furious, yes, but not at him. He gave Kakashi a look that said both ‘sorry about this’ and ‘I want to strangle someone’.

Naruto looked like he was in slightly worse shape than Sasuke, though in no way did he look defeated. The look the boy threw at Sasuke was not the look of one that had been defeated.

The homeroom teacher was there, as was the school counselor. For an hour or so the teachers talked about how this was unacceptable behavior; Iruka agreed and Kakashi did too, because doing otherwise was unacceptable too.

Sasuke’s therapist would have understood. ‘I’m just glad Sasuke got some of his anger out of his system.’ But Kakashi was pretty sure the adults here were not that open-minded. No, not even Iruka.

The guys got to explain themselves. That was fairly brief. Sasuke said what he’d said in the kitchen, that Naruto had pissed him off. Naruto said Sasuke started it. One punch from Sasuke had lead to one punch from Naruto, and Sasuke had not been in a mood to let it end there.

There was some talk of bullying as well but Kakashi instantly knew that was silly. Naruto was not the kind to bully anyone and Sasuke was not the kind to be bullied. It had probably been just like Naruto said. He had tried to be nice and Sasuke had been an asshole and one thing had let to another. Kakashi knew how Sasuke could be.

Not that he actually said that the bullying allegations were silly. Iruka took them most seriously after all.

-

On Tuesday Kakashi got another call at work from Sasuke’s homeroom teacher. He was told that his foster son had been in yet another fight with Naruto-kun. ‘I’m sorry but this is very serious. Are you free to come this evening as well?’

When Kakashi drove home from work he was not nearly as upset as Iruka must have been the day before, but he wasn’t pleased either. His fingers tapped at the steering wheel and he couldn’t wait to get home and let his unruly foster child know that this wasn’t acceptable anymore. One fight to clear the air and chase away the storm was one thing; this second fight was just unreasonable. If Sasuke was angry with Kakashi he would take it out on Kakashi, not on guys that just tried to be friendly.

Kakashi was quite ready to give Sasuke a piece of his mind when he pulled up in the driveway. As he stepped out of the car however, his determination was interrupted by the realization that from his recently bought home came the muffled sound of loud music behind walls. For a moment he just stood beside the car and watched the white building, his mouth slightly open and brow furrowed.

His walk up to the house, unlocking of the door and stepping into the hall was slow, almost hesitating; he wasn’t quite sure this was actually his house, had to look around to check, but it seemed right. The shoes were his shoes and Sasuke’s shoes and the blue towel on the floor was from Kakashi’s morning shower. He knew it was his plates and glasses that rattled in the kitchen cupboards.

Kakashi realized it’d been a long time since he’d come home to this. Their neighbors in the city had been pretty cranky and only once or twice had Sasuke been angry enough to pull something like this there. The thought hit Kakashi that Sasuke must be in heaven, finally being able to put his speakers to good use. It stayed with him, that thought, all the way up the stairs and through the unlocked door to Sasuke’s room.

Sasuke flinched and his head turned quickly when the door opened. He was standing by the built in CD case, an opened moving box at his feet and CDs in his hands. The old newspapers they’d used for packing were strewn all over the floor, around the now empty box the stereo and its speakers had been in. The rest of Sasuke’s moving boxes stood unopened against a wall.

For a moment they just looked at each other and it felt like weeks since the last time. They had talked the day before, sort of, but not looked at each other like they did now. Kakashi realized he’d missed his foster son and he wanted him back.

The surprise trickled away from Sasuke’s features and stance and tired almost-frustration took its place. Not furious storm cloud anger. The change that had started yesterday, the thinning of the clouds, had kept going. What had Kakashi been angry about before again? Were the traces of show down on Sasuke’s face, the black eye, the bruises and the band-aids serving as wards of some kind maybe? To keep rainy days away. Iruka would probably be angry at such a suggestion.

Sasuke looked away and put the CDs he’d been holding next to the others. Kakashi took a breath and then let it go. He walked into the room, stepped over old newspapers, to the stereo and killed the music. The suddenness made the silence feel almost as loud as the music. Sasuke didn’t move.

“It’s not an apartment but the neighbors can still complain,” Kakashi said. “Keep it down, will you?”

“Fine,” Sasuke said like he didn’t care.

Kakashi wanted to say many things, but at the same time he didn’t want to say anything. They were talking, finally, and there were so much to say at the same time as all those things had already been said. Sasuke found his words faster.

“I don’t want to live here.”

“I know,” Kakashi said; it was easier to answer. “But I don’t want you to live there.”

“I know,” Sasuke said as if he’d heard it a thousand times instead of just a few.

They both knew, but Kakashi knew why Sasuke had said it. Something had changed and Sasuke knew that Kakashi knew and just wanted to remind him that not everything was different. He was still angry and he still didn’t want to live here.

“Don’t beat up that kid anymore,” Kakashi said eventually. “If he gets to you, deal with it some other way.”

“He’s an idiot,” Sasuke muttered. “He’s asking for it.”

“So next time don’t give him what he wants.”

Sasuke took a few seconds of silent tension and frustration before grumbling ‘fine’.

Kakashi watched his back and let the silence stay with them for a moment before he spoke again.

“Have you eaten?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. I’ll come get you when we have to go.”

Kakashi turned the music back on and lowered the volume to a non-deafening one. As he went down the stairs he was charged with a sudden longing to see Iruka’s face and decided they should car pool to school this time.

-

Iruka called at around nine that Tuesday evening.

“I can not believe this,” the man exclaimed. “They’re beating each other up!”

Kakashi smiled. Iruka’s voice was filled with frustration, disbelief and... and humor, as if he couldn’t help himself. Kakashi could practically see him shaking his head and pacing around in the room he was in.

“I have no idea what’s gotten into Naruto,” Iruka continued. “I’m so sorry about this.”

“I’m sorry too,” Kakashi said. “My guy is goading your guy.”

“That’s no excuse for him to behave like this, he... He’s turned into a cave man!”

Kakashi snorted in amusement and Iruka did the same.

“This is not funny,” Iruka said, but Kakashi could hear that he was smiling.

“I know,” Kakashi said.

There was a fluffy thump as Iruka sat down on his couch. There were a few moments of silence that felt wonderfully alright, despite the topic.

“I sent him running,” Iruka said eventually with a sigh. “With Lee, you know, his friend. I don’t know what else to do. Is this going to work?”

“Of course it is,” Kakashi said and brought forth all the seriousness and gentleness that his voice could hold. He wished he was on the couch and could add physical gestures. He’d run his fingers through the man’s hair and hold onto his face, make him look into his eyes as he spoke.

“It’s going to be okay, it will just take some time. Two fights do not make them mortal enemies.”

“Two fights in two days?”

“Sasuke is feeling better.”

“Is he?”

“He unpacked his music today,” Kakashi said, though he was sure Iruka didn’t fully understand how much that meant. “They’re going to be okay.”

Iruka sighed.

“I hope you’re right.”

“I’m always right,” Kakashi said and enjoyed the snort of amusement that travelled through cords and wires and plastic from Iruka’s house to his. “And... I have a plan.”

“You have a plan?” Iruka sounded both curious and suspicious, as he should be.

“Yes,” Kakashi said. “It’s a bit risky, a bit daring and you have a big part in it. You’ll have to be strong.”

He didn’t have to be there to know Iruka raised his eyes toward the ceiling, asking for faith.

-

On Wednesday Sasuke’s homeroom teacher did not call Kakashi at work and for a while Kakashi dared to believe his guy had been good. He was in the middle of making dinner, the house vibrating with music from the second floor and the content of the cupboards rattling to the beat, when the phone rang.

‘I’m very sorry to disturb you again, but we missed Sasuke-kun in school today. Did someone forget to call him in sick? Will he be back tomorrow?’

Kakashi sighed ‘yes, I’m sorry’ and ‘yes, of course, he’ll be all better tomorrow’; then he hung up and turned off the stove before wandering upstairs. Sasuke was moving around CDs in the CD case.

“Skipping school does not count as dealing with it,” Kakashi informed him.

“The thought of going made me sick,” Sasuke said without taking his eyes off the CDs.

Kakashi sighed.

“Do I need to call Tsunade?”

Sasuke stopped his rummaging around, closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Sighed without making a sound, without actually sighing.

“It’s about time for that, isn’t it?” Kakashi continued. “And if you won’t go to school we have a problem.”

“You’re okay with me punching a guy’s face in but not okay with me skipping one fucking day of school?”

Sasuke looked at Kakashi and his eyes were hard.

“I’m okay with neither.”

“Why should I care about what you think?” Sasuke said. “You don’t care about what I think.”

“Not when what you think is bad for you,” Kakashi said. “I want you to live to be twenty.”

Sasuke sighed loudly and looked away. He was tense and itching but still not a rain cloud. He was frustrated rather than angry.

“This wasn’t necessary,” he said, facing the CDs again.

“Maybe not,” Kakashi admitted. “But I’d rather be on the safe side.”

For a moment it was quiet, only birds singing outside. And a car passed.

“You don’t need to call her,” Sasuke said eventually.

“Alright,” Kakashi said. He hesitated for a moment before deciding he could at least ask. “Do you want to help with dinner?”

“No,” Sasuke replied.

-

On Thursday morning they had their first real conversation over breakfast since before the move. Kakashi had made a habit of boiling eggs instead of frying them since they moved and Sasuke was frustrated.

“You don’t boil eggs,” he said, like it was a rule.

“It’s much healthier than fried eggs,” Kakashi said. He didn’t know if it was, but Iruka boiled eggs a lot and then it couldn’t be unhealthy.

“Since when do you care?”

“What’s wrong with change?” Kakashi waved with the pot. “Change is good! Change drives the world forward. Now eat your eggs. You need protein, you’re growing.”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up, whatever,” Sasuke muttered. “I’ll eat the damned eggs. Fuck…”

Half a toast later Sasuke complained about Kakashi leaving the door unlocked when they were away at school and work. It wasn’t the first time, he had cursed something about it during his dark cloud phase the previous week, but this was the first time Kakashi had a chance to explain himself. Sasuke didn’t buy that it was that good a neighborhood however and still worried for his stereo and his CDs. Kakashi said it would be very boring for Sasuke to wait out on the porch until he came home from work. Sasuke said with almost a hint of amusement in his voice that normal people gave out keys so waiting on the porch wasn’t necessary. Kakashi smiled and said he’d think about it. He had missed his foster son. Sasuke wasn’t all back yet, but he was getting closer. Kakashi could see him in the horizon. The clouds grew thinner.

There came no calls from Sasuke’s homeroom teacher on Thursday, not while Kakashi was at work and not when he had come home either.

-

Friday morning Sasuke came down to the kitchen in a blue shirt. The flash of color drew Kakashi’s attention away from the pot and the eggs jumping around in the water. The guy had worn black since they came here. It was like the ceiling of clouds had broken and let through a stripe of sky. Sasuke noticed the staring and looked at Kakashi.

“What?”

Kakashi shook his head, held back his smile.

“Oh, nothing.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes and sat down. Grabbed a slice of toast from the toaster, then frowned.

“What’s this?”

“That,” Kakashi said. “Is whole-wheat toast.”

Sasuke stared.

“It’s healthy!” Kakashi exclaimed and took the egg-pot from the stove with a vivid gesture. “Since when does it kill you to be healthy?”

Sasuke sighed, shook his head and buttered the toast.

“Maybe I just don’t like whole-wheat,” he muttered.

Kakashi sprayed the eggs with cold water in the sink, then went over to the table to grab a whole-wheat toast of his own.

“What’s with all the color?” he asked.

­“Since when does it kill you if I wear color?” Sasuke said without looking up from his breakfast.

Kakashi raised a brow.

“It might, you know,” he said. “Maybe I’ll get blinded by all the brightness, drop the egg-pot, get scalded and die of an infection.”

Sasuke snorted, in what was possibly amusement.

“You’re too stupid to die of an infection.”

“You’re so cruel, Sasuke,” Kakashi sniffed.

Sasuke kept chewing his toast.

“By the way,” Kakashi changed the subject. “I have a seminar today so I might be late.”

“Whatever.”

He wouldn’t be late of course. He wouldn’t be there at all, but Sasuke couldn’t find that out until later. Kakashi was both happy and sorry when Sasuke left the house for school without slamming the door. Happy because the sky could be seen now, if only just a few slivers of it; sorry because he was sure the dark clouds would be back again the next time they met. He waited until he was sure the school bus had left with the moody teenager aboard. Then he went up the stairs to Sasuke’s room to make the necessary arrangements. Sasuke would be so angry.

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