If You Love Until It Hurts

A/N: "ryokan" is a traditional Japanese inn, sometimes attached to "onsen" - hot springs bathing facilities or just hot springs. "Yukata" is a type of robe used when visiting onsen. All Japanese terms which are specific to the culture and therefore untranslated are used in singular form only, even when they denote more than one object, as in the case of "futon".







7



Kakashi spent the week before the trip swinging between trepidation and skepticism. He had made up his mind that he did want to go weeks ago, but he had told that Iruka in a spur of the moment decision. The whole thing made him unbelievably nervous. Sure, he had gone on such a trip with his team once, but they had been children, and his interaction with them had been limited. Iruka, on the other hand, was an adult, and they’d spend two days together in a much more casual setting than usual. If he didn’t count Gai, Kakashi simply wasn’t used to communicating with people on such a personal level. His social skills were sorely lacking and he knew it, and the thought of saying something offensive and inappropriate and stuff his foot in his mouth was almost frightening. He wanted this to go well, now that Iruka and he had finally begun to smooth things over.



Over the course of the past weeks Iruka had slowly transformed from a just colleague to something like a friend. He was kind, resourceful, smart and oddly enough, a consummate professional when it came to his job. Based on his first impression Kakashi had thought him to be a man too influenced by his emotions to be a good nin, but that opinion had changed. It scared him that he had begun to think of Iruka as a friend. He didn’t even dare to refer to Gai in that way. His friends and loved ones always met with an unfortunate end, as if his presence and his touch cursed them, marked them and they were taken away from him, no matter how hard he tried to save them. It was this bitter experience that made him keep Gai at an arm’s length. He had done so for years, without too much trouble, yet Iruka had gotten under his skin after only several weeks, and he hadn’t even realized that until he found himself accepting an offer to spend their free time together. It was most unsettling.



It was Friday afternoon, and the classes had ended a little earlier to give everyone time to prepare for their trip. Now Kakashi was sitting on a stone on the inside of Konoha’s west gate, carrying a small backpack with basic necessities, waiting for Iruka and the class to gather up, so they could all head out and to the ryokan. Nervousness crept up on him like a viper stalking a mouse, it took a conscious effort to unclench his fists. Perhaps this was a bad idea. He only brought misfortune to those who became close to him, the most recent example with his students was still a raw, open wound. He was setting himself up for another failure, he was going to get another good, kind person hurt. It was best to just get up now and leave. There was no one else here yet, he had shown up too early. No one would know he had even come, Iruka would just assume he had stood him up, he’d get angry and offended and they’d continue as before – colleagues with a cool but civil relationship and nothing more. Not… not like friends.



Kakashi was about to get up and slink away, when he suddenly heard steps and looked up. There Iruka was, dressed in a casual green shirt and black pants, carrying a backpack of his own. He waved at Kakashi as he approached, squinting at the sun flashing in his eyes.



“You’re here, Kakashi-san.” He noted with a small smile when he was close enough to be heard without shouting. “And here I thought we wouldn’t be able to leave before nightfall, waiting for you.”



“You’d have waited for me till nightfall?” Kakashi asked, trying to cover both his apprehension and his excitement. The moment to leave had come and had passed, and he was now set on a path. He prayed it wouldn’t lead him to another disaster.



“I would’ve, probably.” Iruka responded, then moved to set his backpack next to Kakashi’s and sat down on the stone as well. It was small, and their shoulders were touching. A shiver went through Kakashi’s spine – he wasn’t used to being touched, unless it was people trying to kill him, or people trying to heal what people trying to kill him did to him. Iruka apparently didn’t sense anything unusual, because he kept chatting cheerfully.



“Ah, well, looks like we’re the first to show up anyway. Have you seen any of the children?”



Kakashi shook his head mutely. Iruka looked at his wristwatch.



“We’re both kind of early, actually. The meeting is in about fifteen minutes.” His expression grew serious. “I got a message from Ibiki.”



Kakashi turned and looked at him, waiting for him to continue.



“Our two friends from the archive room finally talked. And the decryption team also figured out the code of the papers we found on them. They were Orochimaru’s men, looking for Uchiha Sasuke’s school and medical records. That was why we didn’t find anything on them when we captured them – I had those removed from the archives on Tsunade’s orders weeks ago.”



Sasuke. The name was like a punch to the gut. He looked down at his feet, grief threatening to overwhelm him. Wherever he turned, his failure with that boy haunted him and wouldn’t leave him alone. Iruka laid a gentle, tentative hand on his shoulder and he almost jumped at the foreign and unfamiliar sensation. Still, he didn’t pull away and Iruka didn’t remove his hand. When Kakashi turned to look at him he met kind, compassionate brown eyes.



“That is probably too presumptuous of me to say but… if you want to talk about Sasuke-kun… I’ll listen.”



“I am fine, Iruka.” He answered, perhaps a bit coolly, but he did not shrug the hand away. Iruka squeezed his shoulder for a moment and let go without saying anything.



The students began to show up one by one in the next few minutes, all equipped for their trip, talking quietly among themselves after greeting their instructors. Soon, they were all ready to leave. They formed a neat column with Iruka at the head and Kakashi at the back, and filed out of Konoha.



The trip to the ryokan was mostly uneventful, with the small exception of a large, colourful lizard that the kids found and took turns to examine and which hissed and ran away, much to everyone’s disappointment when one of the boys poked it with a stick. Kakashi happily remarked that the boy was lucky the lizard didn’t spit poison in his eyes first, which earned him many terrified looks from the children and a very dirty one from Iruka. Later, when they stopped for a few minutes of rest the Chuunin approached him and leaned against a tree next to him.



“That particular type of lizard doesn’t spit poison, Kakashi.”



Kakashi shrugged.



“They should learn not to poke unknown animals.” He pointed out.



“True. But they should also learn how to differentiate between friend and foe.”



It was almost dark when they arrived at the ryokan and they did a headcount before the front gate to make sure they hadn’t lost anyone on the road. Everyone were present, so they filed in, and were met by one of the hostesses, who greeted them with customary politeness. Her assistants led the children inside and to their rooms while Kakashi and Iruka lingered at the reception to pay the fee. The hostess took one look at both of them and suddenly and inexplicably became very nervous.



“Is there something wrong, ma’am?” Iruka asked as Kakashi hovered behind him.



“There’s two of you this year.” She said apologetically. “I’m afraid the Academy reserved only one room for the instructor.”



That got Kakashi’s undivided attention. The hostess, however, continued before he could speak.



“I’m also afraid it’s the only free room we have left.”



Iruka also gave him an apologetic look.



“These trips have long become a custom organized so many times it’s become an instinct by now. You’re new, and they probably forgot to include you. I’ll talk to them when we return. I don’t mind to share the room with you.”



Did he mind? Kakashi had shared many rooms with many people when on a mission, usually without a second thought. When on a mission, however, people had a purpose that preoccupied their mind, and they knew how to keep their distance and respect the privacy of their room mate – unless, of course, they were called Naruto. This, however, was no mission, and they weren’t here on their way to one. They were here just to have fun, and in those occasions the inhibitions dictated by professionalism were quick to disappear.



Without missing a beat, however, Iruka continued:



“I hope you wouldn’t mind sharing the room with me either.” He gave Kakashi a disarming smile. “I won’t snore. I promise.”



Kakashi found himself nodding his assent, helpless to deny that smile and those twinkling dark eyes. He looked away while Iruka arranged the details with the hostess, trying to compose himself. What had he gotten himself into?



After they were done with the fee and the papers the hostess led them to their own room, once again apologizing profusely for the misunderstanding and promising that the establishment would make it up to them, then offered them free room-service, which Iruka graciously accepted. Kakashi trailed after them, his hands in his pockets, feeling both eager and apprehensive at the same time, wondering at his own behaviour. He had never took such risks before, he had never allowed anyone come this close after Minato died, not even Gai. And yet he hadn’t even been able to deny Iruka, when the younger man asked him to share.



The hostess led them in their room and they looked around. It would’ve been spacious, had only one person occupied it, but now it was on the verge of being cramped. The furniture was sparse as was dictated by the traditional style of the establishment, the walls were painted white and the floor was covered in newly installed tatami, if their slightly greenish tinge was any indication On the wall opposite the door there was a large window partly covered by sliding rice-paper panel doors with a view to what appeared to be a lush inner garden. The only decoration in the room was a large, three-paneled lacquered screen, covered in lush golden birds and flowers and among them a pair of young men in an a tender embrace. A discrete door on the opposite wall led to a very modern bathroom.



The hostess smiled nervously.



“I hope the room is to your liking, Iruka-san, Kakashi-san?”



Iruka bowed and she immediately returned the gesture, Kakashi followed after a few seconds delay, remembering his manners.



“It is most adequate, thank you.”



She bid them goodbye and left, but not before reminding them that they could call for room-service whenever they want.



Iruka turned to him and smiled:



“So, Kakashi-san, is the room to your liking?”



He couldn’t help but return the smile.



“It is most adequate, as you already said.” He put his backpack on the ground, then gestured to the bathroom.



“You can go first, if you want.”



Iruka nodded and thanked him, then went in the bathroom and closed the door. Kakashi sat down on the floor and stared out of the window in the darkened garden. The ryokan staff was lighting lanterns and illuminating it, revealing its beauty. Kakashi was sure that when the sun rose the bright autumn colours of the foliage would look even more stunning. He allowed himself a few minutes to enjoy the splendor of the garden, needing the distraction to escape the turmoil of his thoughts and feelings. Why had he allowed himself to be convinced to come on this trip? He knew why, of course, but that didn’t make things any better. Over the past several weeks Iruka had gotten under his skin, insinuated himself in his life, become as close to a friend as Kakashi had ever allowed himself to have, and he found himself unable to deny him. It was the fact that he didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late was what unnerved him.



His reverie was interrupted by the sound of the bathroom’s door opening and closing again, and he turned, meeting Iruka’s eyes, then staring for a moment longer than what was appropriate. Iruka had just taken a shower, it appeared, because he was wet and naked, a white towel wrapped around his narrow hips. Kakashi’s eyes followed the trail of a glistening drop of water as it slid down the Chuunin’s toned chest, leaving a wet trail over his damp mocha skin. Iruka’s hair was wet and framing his face, reaching to his shoulders, dripping more water down his chest. To Kakashi’s surprise he had his share of scars blemishing the otherwise soft and silken-looking skin, telling of a life almost as violent as his own. He stared helplessly, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight, suddenly feeling the type of hunger that he had long thought he would never be able to feel again.



“You seem surprised, Kakashi-san.” Iruka began, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “Did you expect I’d have a potbelly?”



Kakashi actually gaped for a moment at those words, suddenly realizing how he had been staring in the most inappropriate manner. He could feel himself flushing to the roots of his hair and hoped the mask would cover all of it. He cleared his throat and tried to answer as light-heartedly in order to cover his embarrassment at being caught staring.



“No, but I was looking for love-handles.”



Iruka raised an eyebrow, his smile widening and Kakashi suddenly realized how he had only managed to dig himself deeper. He looked away and groaned quietly. Iruka, however, being the gracious person that he was, had the mercy not to tease him any further.



“The bathroom’s free, if you wish to refresh yourself as well.” He said as he walked behind the lacquered screen and Kakashi heard him open one of the hidden compartments in the walls that usually held the futon, pillows and blankets. The yukata were probably also there.



Kakashi took the opportunity to leave the room and remain alone with his thoughts. He closed the door of the bathroom and locked it, then leaned against it, pulled his mask down and let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.



‘What the hell?’ he thought. ‘This is much worse than I thought.’



He wasn’t going to think about this, about his reaction, about the sudden, painful want that coursed through his body when he looked at Iruka, fresh out of the shower, moist and naked. He didn’t need such complications. Not now and not ever again.



Determined to put what happened out of his mind, he removed his own clothes, folded them and set them aside next to Iruka’s, then stepped under the shower and turned the cold water on.



By the time he was done, shivering and his teeth chattering, Iruka had got dressed in a yukata provided by the hotel and was sitting on the floor by the window, a tray with a pair of bowls full of steaming tea and as well as a plate with sweets set at his side. The lights in the room were out, but the full moon was shining right through the open window, illuminating everything with crystal clarity. He turned and waved Kakashi over.



“I took the liberty of ordering these. We can order more substantial dinner later, if you wish.”



Kakashi was very much not hungry.



“We’ll see.” He answered quietly. “Give me a moment to get dressed.”



“Of course.”



He found another yukata in the compartment behind the screen, wrapped himself in it and padded back to Iruka, sitting down next to him, his masked face hidden in shadow. Iruka didn’t turn when he pulled his mask down and took one of the bowls in his hands, the delicate scent of high quality green tea tickling his nostrils. He closed his eyes and took a sip, the warmth of it immediately spreading through his frozen body. The relief was immense and he felt his shoulders sag, his almost nerveless with cold fingers tightening around the smooth porcelain surface, eager to soak more of that warmth.



“It is a beautiful night.” Iruka observed, still staring straight ahead in the garden, giving Kakashi his privacy. The Jounin took the opportunity to examine the younger man without being noticed. His hair was still damp, curling at his neck, glossy under the bright moonlight. The scar across his cheeks and nose seemed even starker now, reminding Kakashi of the warpaint the Nin of old had once used. There was another scar at the side of his neck, usually hidden by the collar of his uniform jacket, thin and silvery – someone, at some point, had tried to slit Iruka’s throat. He looked away, surprised at the intensity of feeling that filled him at that point, a feeling he couldn’t, or didn’t want to describe.



“Yes, it’s beautiful.” He answered softly. They remained silent for several minutes, before Iruka spoke:



“Right before Naruto graduated the Academy, a colleague of mine duped him into stealing a scroll that contained the Shadow Clone technique, and then told him what he was. He almost killed Naruto, and I was almost too late to prevent it.”



Kakashi could see where this was going.



“But you did prevent it.” He pointed out, with less venom he would’ve used only a few weeks ago.

Iruka shook his head.



“Maybe. I think that the Kyuubi would’ve kept him safe, with or without my interference. The point is that for all the years I had taught Naruto, and for all the years I worked with that Jounin, I never sensed any animosity, any ill intent to harm my student. If anything, he was a lot nicer to him than many others were. In retrospect, maybe I should’ve been suspicious of him for that reason alone, but I wasn’t. I was just glad that he was being nice to the boy. My failure of judgement almost got him killed… or worse.” He finished quietly.



“Worse?”



“He almost lost control that night.” Was the soft answer. “The fox would’ve devoured him and then would’ve destroyed Konoha. But in the end, it was him, not me that got it all under control. I could only watch.”



“What are you trying to tell me, Iruka?” he asked.



“That we can only guide our students, Kakashi. We can’t save them from themselves, if they don’t want to be saved, and we cannot blame ourselves when they don’t want to. Sasuke-kun may be with Orochimaru, but he is still not completely lost, not until he loses his own will.”



Kakashi sucked in his breath at those words and when he looked up, he realized that Iruka was looking at him. Instinctively he reached for his mask, but then he realized that his face was hidden in the shadows.



“I know what Orochimaru does to people, and how he steals their bodies. I work in the mission room, remember? I have access to classified reports. My point is, Sasuke still has time to decide to fight Orochimaru’s attempt to control him. You must have faith that he will, and that he’s strong enough to win.” His expression softened. “Orochimaru is a monster, but he’s still just a man. His will is not nearly as terrifying as that of the Fox, and if Naruto could win that battle, then Sasuke can win against Orochimaru.”



“If he wants to.” Kakashi pointed out bitterly.



Iruka nodded.



“If he wants to. If he doesn’t, that won’t be your fault.”



He looked down in the steaming depths of his bowl.



“I thought that you believed it was my fault. What happened…”



“I spoke in anger, and in fear. I have never blamed you for what happened to Sasuke, and as for Naruto… Perhaps you could’ve reached them on time so he wouldn’t have gotten hurt, perhaps both of you would’ve been killed. Naruto is okay, and I am no longer angry. Forgive me for adding to your burden.”



Later that night, they lay side by side in their futon, Kakashi tentatively reached and touched Iruka’s fingers.



“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”



Iruka’s fingers suddenly wrapped around his and he jumped in surprise. The Chuunin’s hand was large, warm and callused, but gentle. It tightened around Kakashi’s, then relaxed, but didn’t let go. He didn’t pull away either and fell asleep holding the Chuunin’s hand.