Teach Me To Love You

Title: Teach Me To Love You
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: KakashixIruka
Rating: T for now, will go up
Summary: Kakashi had never been anything else than what had been expected of him. And nobody had ever expected him to be human. So how could Iruka even want to be near him? How could he say he loved him?
Spoilers: Spoilers for Kakashi Gaiden and very slight ones for the events before the time-skip.
Status: Chapter 8 of 15(?)
Disclaimer: Don’t own.


AN:
Erm… Hi? You won’t believe it but I’m still writing. And I still plan to finish this story, I promise. My job kept me from working on it though and other things kept me occupied, too, so it took rather long for this chapter to get finished. That and I had to rewrite it a couple of times because I didn’t manage to capture the mood I wanted. But I got it now, I think. It was hard to write because I didn’t want it to become too dark, and that’s why Pakkun’s got a short appearance with Bull. But I don’t want to spoil anything.
I really, really hope that you’ll like it and please don’t be angry or disappointed if the next chapter should come late, too. I really try, I promise.
Oh, and for all of you who have asked me when I would update Your Wish Is My Command: I'm sorry, but I consider that story done and I don't really have plans for more or even a sequel. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Nayru


Teach Me To Love You
by nayru-kleinefee

Chapter 8 – You couldn’t see it anyway.

He’d never before noticed how good Iruka smelled. Kakashi took another deep breath, his face buried in the sleeping Chuunin’s neck and hair. Like… like something sweet and something tangy at the same time. And due to his mask, he hadn’t noticed it this clearly before, not even on the pillow covers he’d lent from him. But now… now he wanted to smell it whenever he could. Whenever and wherever and-

“You’re purring”, Pakkun brutally interrupted his blissful musing.

“You were snoring right now”, Kakashi deadpanned back, glaring at his dog lying on Iruka’s stomach. Pakkun could really call himself lucky that he even allowed him to take up space near his boyfriend.

“But I wasn’t purring.” The pug made a face. “Purring.”

“Whatever.” Kakashi snuggled his face back into the wonderful, soft, perfectly smelling hair. Mrrrrrh…

***** ***** *****

“Your test results, Iruka-sensei.” Tsunade entered the room, making Kakashi hastily pull his mask back over his face and his lips away from Iruka’s. “My, my… I didn’t interrupt you, I hope?” The Sannin leered.

“Not at all”, Iruka murmured and opened his eyes, smiling softly. “Am I alright?”

“You are.” Tsunade nodded. “The poison’s completely out of your system again.”

“Good to hear.” Iruka smiled more.

“Can I take him with me now?”, Kakashi asked hopefully. He didn’t like hospitals. Hospitals meant smell of disinfectants and wounds, and the ever-present air of death.

“You can.” The Sannin suddenly grinned and winked. “Oh, and just so you know: He’s completely clean.”

“You already said that”, Kakashi reminded her. “No poison anymore.” She had to be getting old, really…

“No, I mean clean.” Tsunade’s grin grew even more lecherous. “We made a complete checkup.”

“Yes, for poison.” Kakashi frowned deeply. What was she talking about?

“Tsunade-sama is talking about… diseases”, Iruka murmured.

“Oh. That’s good.” The Jounin smiled but then frowned again. “Why is your face so red? Are you too warm? Do you want me to open the window?”

“No, I… Kakashi, I mean…” Iruka sighed, growing even redder. “Kakashi, Tsunade-sama is talking about diseases.”

“Yes?” He’d grasped that so far.

“Diseases we could infect each other with if we… come close.”

“Come close?” Kakashi thought about that, then understood. Iruka meant while kissing each other without the mask now and didn’t want to say it out loud in front of Tsunade, Lady Gossip that she was. “I understand.”

“Thank god…”, Tsunade murmured.

“I think I should get tested, too”, Kakashi decided. What if he had the flu or something and didn’t know it and then infected Iruka?

“You think you have something?”, Iruka asked softly, looking somehow… disappointed? Sad? Worried maybe?

“Don’t think so.” Kakashi smiled reassuringly, very happy that the Chuunin cared so much about him being fine. “Just to be sure.” And to make sure that he could keep kissing Iruka without his mask.

“Oh.” Iruka smiled brightly. “That’s good.”

***** ***** *****

“Kakashi?”, Iruka asked softly.

“M-hm?” He kissed him. The good way. The without-mask-way. Iruka had closed his eyes when he’d asked to be kissed and not opened them again since then.

“Could I maybe get up?”

“Mmmmh… No.” Another kiss.

“But I really would like to get up.” A smile was audible in the Chuunin’s voice and Kakashi could feel it against his lips.

“Tsunade-sama said you shouldn’t move.” Kiss.

“She said I shouldn’t move much”, Iruka corrected.

“Getting up is too much.” Kiss, kiss, kiiiiiss.

“But I really want to get up.”

“No.” Kiss. And a nuzzle. Nice.

“Kakashiiii…”

“No.” He kissed him once again and tightened his hold around his waist. He would so not let him get up, no way. Now that he had the Chuunin back in his apartment and knew how good it was to lie in bed with Iruka and kiss him, he would probably refuse to get up ever again.

“Kakashi, I want to take a shower.”

He sniffed. “Not necessary yet.” And then he kissed him once again.

Iruka laughed. “But it’s necessary that I use the toilet soon.”

“Mrmph.” Kakashi pouted.

“I promise I’ll take a very quick shower.”

“Very, very quick.” He sighed. “But not too quick.” He gently stroked over the Chuunin’s still bandaged chest. “Don’t tear your stitches.”

“I’ll be careful.” Iruka nuzzled his nose against the Jounin’s blindly. “What about you make some lunch while I’m in the bathroom? Or should I say ‘dinner’ already?”

“Lunch still. But I’m not very good at cooking”, Kakashi murmured while he slowly pulled up his mask. Then he pulled it down and kissed Iruka once again before he reluctantly pulled it over his face. He kissed Iruka with his lips covered to indicate that he could open his eyes.

“I’m sure you can make something I’ll like.” Iruka slowly opened his eyes and smiled. “I’m not very picky.”

“I can make rice”, Kakashi offered. Rice was good shinobi food – easy to make and to transport, nutritious, filling. He was good at cooking rice. Nobody could beat him at that, to be precise.

“With chicken? There should be some in the freezer.”

“I can do that.” Chicken was easy.

“That would be nice.” Iruka nuzzled his face into the Jounin’s clothed neck. “And I can make apple pancakes for dessert if you want.”

“Better not”, Kakashi decided sadly. “You should better rest.” He would have liked apple pancakes very, very much, but it was more important that Iruka got much rest. Poor him.

“You give away a chance to get apple pancakes?”, Iruka asked incredulously and grinned. “Wow… I feel really special now.”

“You are special”, Kakashi said softly.

“Kakashi…” Iruka blushed a little, much to the Jounin’s delight.

“Very special.” Kakashi tenderly nuzzled his ear.

*****

“That’s good”, Iruka mumbled with his mouth full of rice. “You’re a good cook.” He grinned. “But I like you even more as my nurse, you know.”

“Then why do you refuse to go back to bed?”, Kakashi asked grumpily. Table was bad. Bed was nice. Iruka in bed and kissing him was very nice.

“I can’t lie in bed anymore. I have to sit and walk a little.” Iruka grinned. “My butt was so numb. But I’ll go back into bed after we’ve finished eating, I promise.”

“Alright.” Kakashi nodded, satisfied with that, then waited until the Chuunin was looking down at his food to pull down his mask, wolf down half of his rice and pull the cloth back in place, chewing. When he looked at Iruka again, he noticed that he hadn’t even moved his head the slightest.

Iruka wanted to see his face, Kakashi knew that. But, unlike everybody else the Copy-nin knew, he hadn’t tried to sneak a peek once, even though there had been plenty of opportunities. He doubted that Iruka would have succeeded, but he hadn’t even tried. And then his question in the hospital. Iruka had only asked, not pleaded or demanded. Only asked if he would show him his face. And then he had not been reproachful or angry when he had denied. He had just accepted it.

Kakashi had never experienced something like this ever before. Everybody he knew had tried to take a look at his face at one moment or the other. Everybody had tried to trick him in some way or to surprise him or to accomplish it by force. Nobody had ever asked if he was alright with showing his face and at the same time been willing to accept any decision. Nobody had ever cared what he felt about showing his face.

Only Iruka. Only Iruka was accepting, caring, loving even, and never reproachful or demanding. Maybe… maybe he could even be understanding? Could even see his failures and then not be disgusted of him, not despise him for them?

Kakashi shook his head. That was impossible. Not even somebody as gentle, as caring, as… good as Iruka would be able to not despise him for what he’d done wrong in his life. And there was also his heritage. Iruka would be remembered of it and then despise him even more if he ever saw his face. And then he wouldn’t want to see it ever again and would leave him, and he would be alone again and never become human and-

“Hey.”

“Hm?” He looked up at Iruka smiling at him.

“Whatever you’re thinking about, stop looking so defeated”, Iruka said gently. “Please smile for me.”

“You couldn’t see it anyway”, Kakashi murmured. And he couldn’t show him.

“I can.” Iruka reached out with his hand and placed his index finger on his right cheek. “Whenever you smile, I can see your lips move under your mask.” He trailed his fingertip over them and back. “And I can see it in your eye, too.” The finger travelled to the Jounin’s temple. “I can see little crinkles when you smile here. And I always can hardly restrain myself from kissing them.”

“I didn’t know that”, Kakashi whispered. He couldn’t remember ever seeing himself smile, not even on photographs with his former team-mates. Maybe he had done it while he’d had his own Genin-team, but that was gone now and he couldn’t bring himself to look at the pictures long enough to make out his expression. He only ever looked at Naruto and Sakura, at the only two students he hadn’t failed completely.

“I love it when you smile”, Iruka told him gently, shaking him out of his memories.

“Really?”

“Yes. It makes me happy to see you happy, Kakashi. Because I love you.” Iruka smiled at him softly, then took back his hand and turned his attention towards his food again.

Kakashi stared down at the rest of his rice. Iruka was always so understanding, so warm and gentle. He knew that if anybody could still love him despite having seen his face, then it would be Iruka, but… but how likely was that? Wasn’t it much likelier that Iruka would leave him? And could he take the risk that that happened?

No, he couldn’t, Kakashi knew that. He couldn’t risk to lose Iruka. But maybe he had to. Maybe he had to take the risk, for the sake of the Chuunin. Iruka didn’t know what he was getting himself into, wanting to be with someone like him. Iruka didn’t know about what he’d done, about what failures he’d made. And Iruka had the right to know it, even if it meant that he would risk to lose him.

He just didn’t know if he could just tell Iruka to look up and then pull down his mask. Because that… because that would mean to willingly take the risk, to run into his loss with his eyes wide open. And he didn’t know if he was strong enough to do that.

Kakashi looked up and watched the Chuunin in front of him eat his lunch without looking up. Iruka completely kept his eyes on his plate, even when he reached out and took his glass of water to take a sip. He wouldn’t look up until after he would have finished his food, knowing that Kakashi would have finished long before him. He would even tap with his finger onto the table once to warn him.

Kakashi watched him for a long time, then made a decision. He wouldn’t show his face to Iruka. He would just let him see it.

Looking back down on his own food, he felt his heart pound painfully in his chest while he pulled down his mask again. With trembling fingers he took his chopsticks, then started to slowly eat his rice in small bites, not tasting any of it. Like this, Iruka would be finished before him, then look up and then see him. And then he would see that he had been wrong to ever only think about loving him. And then ask him to leave. And he would be able to tell himself that it hadn’t been because of his face, just because the Chuunin had changed his mind suddenly, and it wouldn’t hurt so much. Or so he hoped at least.

Kakashi closed his eyes when he saw that Iruka laid down his chopsticks. He swallowed hard and steeled himself for the rejection when he heard the tap of a fingertip on the wood of the table.

“Kakashi?”, he heard the Chuunin’s soft voice.

“Y-yes?” It wouldn’t take long anymore, and then everything would be over. And then he would become a machine again, and then fade away eventually. But at least Iruka would be able to find someone better and be happy.

“I don’t know why you decided to let me see your face just now”, Iruka told him, “but I can tell that you don’t want me to look at you.”

“Wh-what?”, Kakashi choked out.

“I can tell that your hands are shaking because I can hear your chopsticks clink against your plate.” One of the Chuunin’s hands came in sight and took Kakashi’s holding the sticks. “Please don’t do this. Please don’t force yourself.”

“But…” He swallowed hard. “But I-”

“Shh”, Iruka silenced him softly. “Look at me.”

Kakashi took a deep breath and slowly lifted his head. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want Iruka to reject him. He wanted to pull his mask back in place and pretend that nothing had ever happened. He wanted-

He gasped in surprise when he saw that Iruka’s eyes were closed.

“I won’t look at you”, the Chuunin told him. “Not if you don’t want me to.”

Kakashi felt his hands shake even more. “But you-”

“I want to see your face.” Iruka smiled softly and got up from his chair, then leaned forwards over the table. “I would lie if I told you I wouldn’t.” He lifted his hand not holding the Copy-nin’s and slowly, carefully felt for his face, placing it on his cheek. “But I want you to want to show me, do you understand? I want you to want me to see you, Kakashi.” He tilted his head and kissed him sweetly.

“But I want you to”, Kakashi forced out.

“I don’t think so.” Iruka smiled. “And I don’t know why you’re afraid of it, but I know that one day you will trust me enough to show me.” And with that, he straightened up, turned around and walked into the bedroom.

Kakashi just sat there, unmoving, with shaking hands and another, a new pain in his chest. It was less fierce than fear and almost welcome. He wasn’t sure, but maybe it was hope.

***** ***** *****

“Thank you”, Kakashi shouted after the messenger, then closed the door to Iruka’s apartment again. “Iruka, my test results are here. Tsunade says I’m completely fine and clean.”

“Oh, that’s good to hear.” Iruka got up from the couch and slowly walked towards him. “Now I can be sure that you can play my nurse until I’m fine again.”

“Right.” Kakashi grinned, embraced him and gave him a masked kiss, eyeing the paper with the results over his shoulder. “She even tested for sexually transmitted diseases. She could have just asked and I would have told her there are none and- Iruka? Iruka, is everything alright? Why are you coughing so hard? Or are you laughing? Iruka?”

***** ***** *****

“Here’s what you wanted, boss.” Pakkun placed a small bag on the kitchen counter, his brother Bull a bigger one. “We even got the cherries for your boyfriend.”

“Thank you.” Kakashi looked them over. “You’re dripping wet.”

“Well…” Pakkun scowled at him. “It’s pissing outside.”

“Make sure you don’t get sick, okay?”, Iruka said softly, walking into the kitchen. “Thank you very much.” He scratched Bull behind his left ear and the big bulldog barked happily.

“No prob. I never get sick.” Pakkun shrugged, then sneezed.

***** ***** *****

“Hey.” Kakashi gently tapped one of his fingers on Iruka’s stomach. The Chuunin was sitting in front of him on the bed, leaning with his back against his chest. He liked to sit like this. He could hold Iruka close and even bury his face in the Chuunin’s soft hair.

“Hm?” Iruka didn’t open his eyes nor moved much, just turned his head on his shoulder to blindly nuzzle his nose against the Copy-nin’s bare cheek. That was another reason why Kakashi liked to sit with him like this. He could leave his mask off and Iruka didn’t have to have his eyes closed all the time.

“Are you happy to see your students tomorrow?”

“M-hm.” Iruka sighed. “They’re quite a handful, but I miss them still.”

“Are you sure that you’re fit enough already?”

“Of course. I had the best nurse in town.” Iruka grinned. “I’ll miss all this time for cuddling with you though.”

“Mmh… Me too.” Cuddling with Iruka was so, so good. And kissing was even better.

“And for kissing”, Iruka seemed to read his thoughts, then shifted, eyes still closed, until he kneeled in front of the Jounin. “Kiss?”

“Mmmh… Please don’t mind if I do”, Kakashi chuckled. He placed one hand on his cheek and leaned forward to kiss him, but then stopped.

So much trust… Iruka always closed his eyes for him, to make him feel comfortable. He always trusted him and never asked for anything in return. He trusted completely, so completely. And he? He was afraid to give this trust back. He was afraid that Iruka would reject him. He was too afraid to even give Iruka a chance. He didn’t deserve the trust he was given.

“Hey, what are you waiting for?”, Iruka asked.

But he wanted to deserve this trust. He wanted to earn it for himself. He wanted Iruka to know that he was right to trust him. And he could only do that by trusting him. By trusting the Chuunin’s love for him.

“Kakashi?”

“Iruka, please…” He took a deep breath. “Please open your eyes.”

“Open…” Iruka gasped softly. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Kakashi nodded and removed his hitai-ate but kept his Sharingan eye closed. He wanted Iruka to see everything. He was sure, this time he was. He wanted to trust Iruka to still love him despite his failures marking him.

“Kakashi, you don’t have to.”

“I want. I want to show you.” He knew now that he had to, that he could and that he wanted it. To earn himself Iruka’s trust. To make himself worth it.

For a moment, Iruka seemed to hesitate, but then Kakashi could see how his eyelids started to slowly, carefully open, giving him enough time to back out again. But he wouldn’t. This time he would trust completely.

When Iruka’s eyes finally opened all the way, Kakashi held his breath. He could see how the Chuunin first took in all of his face, then moved his gaze to the vertical scar over his closed left eye, then to the one following the line of his jaw on the right side of his face until he finally took in the scar from his right nostril to the left side of his chin, splitting his lips.

While the seconds passed, Iruka just kept looking, his gaze moving from scars to nose, forehead, cheeks and back again, and Kakashi felt dread build inside himself, along with something even worse: the certainty that Iruka would reject him. He could see it in his eyes, the pain and the sadness there telling him that the Chuunin was just realising what a big mistake he’d made by choosing him. Now that Iruka saw what shame and guilt he was carrying with him, he also saw how very wrong he had been to give his trust and his love to someone like him.

And he had been so wrong, too. How could he ever even have dared to think that he could be loved? How could he have dared to think that anybody would want him? How could he have dared to try to forget his shame, his guilt, his failures?

So, when Iruka slowly lifted his right hand and reached out to touch the scar over his left eye, Kakashi leaned his head back.

“You don’t want to touch that”, he told the Chuunin bitterly. Nobody could want that, nobody could want him.

“I’m sorry”, Iruka whispered.

“It’s alright.” Kakashi looked away, trying to hide that his world was crumbling. It wasn’t Iruka’s fault that he couldn’t love him anymore.

“I’m so sorry that you had to endure so much pain.” The Chuunin’s voice was trembling. “I wish I could have helped you.”

Kakashi’s eye widened.

“I hate whoever did that to you”, Iruka choked out. “Who made you want to hide yourself. I know it’s stupid, but… I still hate them… so much…”

Kakashi turned around to look at him and felt his chest clench painfully when he noticed tears trailing down Iruka’s cheeks. And Iruka was crying for him. For him! Because he had been hurt.

But he was wrong to do that.

“You don’t understand”, Kakashi whispered. “Iruka, look at me.”

“I see you.” Iruka smiled sadly and once again lifted his hand, and this time the Jounin didn’t evade the touch. He traced the scar over his eye, Obito’s scar, then the one on his lips where Rin’s death was carved into his face, and finally his sensei’s scar on his cheek. And then there was his face.

“You don’t look”, Kakashi told him bitterly. “Else you would see that you can’t love me.”

“Why do you say that?” More tears came to Iruka’s eyes. “Why shouldn’t I love you?”

“Because I am not worth you!”, Kakashi shouted. “I don’t deserve your trust, just like I didn’t deserve theirs! Look at me, Iruka! Can’t you see that it’s his face?!” There, now Iruka would understand. He would remember and then tell him what everybody else had always told him. That he had his face. That he looked just like him. That he was carrying his shame.

“Whose face?”, Iruka asked softly. “Kakashi, I don’t understand you.”

“Can’t you see?”, the Jounin whispered, loathing himself for the broken edge in his voice. “That I look like him? That I have my father’s face?” Hatake Sakumo. Hero. Legend. Idol. Coward. Failure. Shame.

“Why do you say that?”, Iruka whispered. “And how should I know? I don’t know him.”

“You don’t have to know him.” Kakashi shook his head. “And don’t try to tell me that you don’t know what he did. Everybody knows.” Everybody, everybody knew. They knew that Hatake Sakumo had willingly failed an important mission to safe himself and his comrades and then had committed suicide to flee from his shame and guilt. And everybody knew that a seven-years-old Kakashi had found him, lying in his blood with the blade still in his chest.

“I know what he did, Kakashi.” Iruka stroked over his cheek, making him flinch. “But I don’t understand why that should affect you.”

“I’m his son”, Kakashi spat out bitterly. “I’m his son.”

“And that’s it? He made a mistake and it’s automatically also your fault because you’re his son?” Iruka’s voice was hard suddenly, hard and cold and angry.

“I look like him, exactly like him. You can’t look at me without seeing his shame. My shame.” And now Iruka was starting to understand finally, and he would soon tell him to leave with that hard voice, and never talk to him with any other again.

“I take it that it’s Naruto’s fault that he carries the Kyuubi then”, Iruka said icily. “And that he’s responsible for every life the Nine-tails took. Including my parents.”

“I didn’t say that.” Why was Iruka talking like that now? Why wasn’t he telling him to leave?

“You didn’t? Where’s the difference between that and what you said then?”

“Naruto didn’t do anything. He was just a kid when Kyuubi attacked the village. He didn’t decide to get the demon sealed into his body.”

“And you did something, you pierced the blade into your father’s chest. You weren’t just a kid when he died. You decided to look like him and that he should abandon the mission. Do you want to tell me that?”

“That’s not the same.”

“Where’s the difference? It’s not Naruto’s fault and it is not your fault either to be who you are.”

“That’s not the same!”, Kakashi shouted. There was a difference, there… there had to be. Because Naruto was innocent, as innocent as a shinobi could be, whereas he… he…

“It’s not your fault!”

“I’m his son!”, Kakashi yelled. “I’m his son! Understand it finally, Iruka! I have his face and you can’t love m-”

Slap!

He fell silent immediately when suddenly a sharp pain pierced through his left cheek.

“You know”, Iruka told him calmly, “I’m starting to think that maybe it was wrong to fall in love with you.”

Kakashi snorted. He’d known that from the beginning, had only been stupid enough to try to fool himself.

“I always thought you were a genius. That’s not why I fell for you, but it’s what I thought of you.” Iruka crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I’m beginning to doubt that, too.”

“Whatever.” Kakashi moved to get off the bed and out, just away from his shattered hopes.

“I’m beginning to doubt that you’re brave, too. I’m even beginning to doubt that you have the right to call yourself a shinobi.”

Kakashi froze, half out of the door. “Stop it.” He was shinobi, the perfect shinobi even. Because he wasn’t human.

“Why should I?”, Iruka asked coldly. “You’re running away, so all I see in front of me is a pathetic, weak, stupid, cowa-” He broke off when Kakashi suddenly gripped his throat.

“Stop. It”, he commanded. Being shinobi was all he had, now that he’d lost Iruka. He couldn’t let that be taken from him, too. And Iruka could take it from him, simply because he was all that mattered.

“I thought… you were what I saw in you…”, Iruka croaked nevertheless, still glaring. “I knew you were hurt in some… way, but I never thought you… would be stupid enough to… hurt yourself…”

“Stop it!”, Kakashi yelled. “Stop it, Iruka!” He wasn’t hurting himself, he wasn’t. He was carrying the shame because he had to, because-

“You were a child”, the Chuunin continued, the look in his eyes softening. “You couldn’t stop… your father… or help him… It wasn’t right to shun you… or blame you… for what he did… It wasn’t… your fault…”

“Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!” It was his fault, entirely his fault!

“It wasn’t your… fault, Kakashi… I won’t accept that… not even from you… and I won’t stop-”

“Stopitstopitstopit!” Kakashi felt his grip tighten. Why didn’t Iruka understand? Everybody else understood, they had understood even before he himself had, so why didn’t Iruka? Why did he refuse to accept it?

“I won’t… stop to… love you…”, Iruka gasped, barely audible, while tears were falling from his eyes. “I wo… I… love you… Kakashi…”

“Stop it!” Kakashi shook his head, his whole body trembling. “Stop it. Stop it. Please…” It hurt, it hurt so much.

“Love you… Kakashi… please… let me… love you…”

“Stop it…”, Kakashi pleaded and let go, his body suddenly losing all strength. “Please… please…” He curled into a ball and started to tremble violently, feeling something wet on his face. “Please…”

“Shh…” And then there were hands, soothingly stroking his back and hair, and warmth brought by them while he was freezing, and Iruka… Iruka was there, still there, and it hurt, hurt so much, and still felt so good, so safe, so warm.

He didn’t know how long he had been lying there when he felt that he was lifted and then arms wrapping around him. And then Iruka was all around him, his warmth and his scent and his love, and he felt himself tremble even more and hurt and gasp until he was too exhausted to even do that.

“Shh…”, Iruka whispered. “I’m here. I’ll hold you, Kakashi.”

“P-please…”, the Jounin breathed out. “Please… it h-hurts…” All those years it had hurt so much, so very much, all those looks and those whispers. He had told himself that he wouldn’t care but he’d been lying, and now it was too much, suddenly too much, because Iruka cared and that made it worse, so much worse and so much better at the same time and he didn’t understand it.

“It will be better soon”, Iruka promised. “Let it out now, Kakashi.”

“I… I don’t…” He took a gasping, painful breath. “Why did he leave me? I had only him and… I was so alone, so alone…” And he’d always admired his father, had always wanted to be like him, a perfect shinobi like him, and then suddenly everything had changed and he hadn’t understood why everybody had hated him suddenly and-

“I’m with you now.” Iruka kissed his temple. “You’re not alone anymore.”

“I don’t want to be alone”, Kakashi sobbed. “I didn’t know what to do… Nobody was there for me… They all looked at me… and saw only him… and what he did… I didn’t know what to do… I didn’t know what… what I did wrong… why they hated me… I didn’t know…”

“They were wrong to see him in you”, Iruka whispered. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, Kakashi.”

“I… I tried to save him… I tried… but he was so cold already… and I felt so cold… so cold… s-so cold…” And it had never left again, that coldness, it had stayed with and around and inside him and suffocated everything else until he had felt like ice and stone and steel and nothing else.

“Shh… I’ll warm you.” Iruka started to rock him gently.

“Don’t… don’t leave…”, Kakashi pleaded desperately and turned in his arms to clutch the Chuunin to him with shaking hands. “Don’t leave me.” He didn’t understand it, didn’t understand anything anymore, it seemed, only that he needed Iruka, that he would break beyond repair if the Chuunin left him now.

“I won’t, Kakashi.”

“Don’t leave me…” Like his father had left him, willingly left him and not thought about what he was doing to him with it and that he would give his son over to that coldness without any idea how to stop it or how to escape or how to become human again or-

“I won’t leave you.”

“You won’t… leave me”, Kakashi repeated, feeling the trembling lessen slowly.

“I won’t leave you, Kakashi.”

“No. You won’t leave me.” He took a deep breath, then another. “My face’s wet”, he whispered.

“You’re crying”, Iruka told him softly.

“I can’t cry.” He had forgotten how so long ago, had probably never known it. Obito’s eye sometimes cried, but this felt different.

“You’re crying, Kakashi.” Iruka kissed his temple. “Humans cry when they’re hurt. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

“You hurt me?”, Kakashi asked weakly.

“By saying those things to you. By forcing you to remember. I’m sorry.”

“M-mh.” Kakashi shook his head. Iruka shouldn’t be sorry, he didn’t have to be. Iruka hadn’t wanted to hurt him, he knew that for sure. Even if he didn’t know anything anymore, he knew that.

“I had no right to do that only because I was angry at you”, Iruka whispered. “I had no right to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

“No.” Kakashi shook his head harder. “No.”

“Please forgive me”, Iruka whispered still. “I love you.”

“Forgive you”, Kakashi whispered back although there was nothing to forgive. He shifted and pressed his face into the Chuunin’s neck, trying to soothe himself by breathing in his calming scent.

“Thank you.” Iruka stroked his cheek. “I love you. I love you more than I can tell you.”

“Want that”, Kakashi whispered. “Want to love you.” He opened his right eye slowly but then caught sight of angry red marks on the skin of the Chuunin’s neck, already turning purple, and suddenly hurt so much that he started shaking again.

“Hey…”, Iruka murmured soothingly. “Everything’s fine. I’m here, Kakashi.”

“I hurt you”, the Jounin choked out. “I hurt you.” How could he have done that?! How could he have hurt Iruka?!

“But only because I hurt you. I don’t blame you.”

“I hurt you.” Kakashi shook from despise at himself. “I hurt you, Iruka.”

“They will vanish again”, the Chuunin told him softly. “And I know you didn’t do it intentionally.”

“I didn’t want that”, Kakashi whispered. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Iruka.”

“I know.” Iruka gently lifted his head up. “I know, Kakashi. I don’t blame you.” He tilted his head and kissed him sweetly.

“Do you still love me?”, Kakashi asked. He didn’t know what he would do if not, he didn’t know how he would be able to live on or even only exist. Not after Iruka had decided to love him despite his past.

“Yes, I still love you.” Iruka kissed him once again. “And I love your face. Your face.” He kissed each of his eyelids, his nose, cheeks, forehead and finally his lips. Then he pressed his lips on his scars, tracing them with featherlike kisses.

“Don’t”, Kakashi whispered. Iruka shouldn’t touch them. They were remains of his failures, of the moments he’d failed to be worth the trust set into him.

“I also love your scars”, Iruka whispered.

“Don’t”, Kakashi repeated. “They’re… I let them down…”

“I can’t not love your scars. They’re a part of you.” Iruka kissed his lips. “I already loved this one before I even saw it. I could feel it when you were kissing me.”

“I couldn’t save her”, Kakashi whispered. “Don’t want… to think about it…” He felt so weak, so exhausted now. He didn’t want to think anymore. If Iruka was with him, then everything was good, and he didn’t want to think about anything else than about Iruka.

“You don’t have to.” Iruka kissed him again. “Just know that I love you, your face and your scars regardless of how you got them.” And then he carefully laid the unmoving Jounin down on the bed.

“Don’t…” Kakashi weakly grabbed him by his shirt. “Don’t leave…”

“I won’t.” Iruka lay down beside him and wrapped his arms around him. “I will stay here with you, Kakashi.” And then he started humming the melody of the lullaby the Jounin had learned to like so much.

“With me…” Kakashi felt his eyes close, but it was alright. Iruka would stay.

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tbc

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See you all next year then!

Nayru