Bitch Nights

A/N: YES!!! Finally, I managed to keep to a self-imposed deadline. I promised myself I would update by my birthday, and here it is, two hours shy of midnight on the evening. This was supposed to be longer, but I ran out of time and space. I’m trying to keep my chapters around 10 pages, and this is 12. Oops. Oh well.

Thanks for all the hits and reviews, guys! My trip was awesome.

All right, on with the show!

[edit] Oh, and in case you didn't yet know, I have another fic called 'Bitch Nights - Director's Cut' which has deleted scenes and stuff that just didn't fit in the plot. Included is a lemon that was meant to be at the end of this chapter!


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Bitch Nights, Chapter 8 “Decisions and Details”


"You're fucking kidding me."

Tsunade's eye twitched, "No, I'm fucking not."

Naruto's mouth gaped further, if that were possible. "What do you mean 'he's our problem? What the hell did I ever do to you, Baa-chan?!?"

The Hokage's gaze narrowed, "Well for starters, if it hadn't been for that stupid bet, I could have stayed in retirement instead of taking on a village full of idiots who can't figure out what they want from me. You spent almost six years begging me to let you go running off to the far corners of the earth so that you could drag that little shit here and reinstate him into Konoha society, and now you're bitching after he saved you the trip? I could be sipping sake on a beach somewhere, but nooooo, I've spent the last forty-eight hours trapped in a room with a bunch of old fools who can't see past what's important to their pocketbooks, or their sense of security, or their powerbase, or their fucking strangleholds over each other-!" She finally snapped, sending her fist crashing down onto the desk in front of her, causing an impressive explosion of sawdust and splinters.

Team Kakashi warily took in the woman panting before them. Kakashi wasn't even pretending to read his book. Sai had taken 'blank' to a whole new level. He looked like he'd just turned into a 3D drawing of himself. Naruto looked like a landed fish, only capable of incoherent gurgles. Sakura . . . well, she was struggling with her Inner Self, who was throwing a wild-eyed temper tantrum. Truthfully, she'd have liked to join Tsunade in a little therapeutic face smashing and furniture throwing. In fact, she'd like to feel the exhilaration of landing a stiff right hook into the Hokage's jaw.

Yeah right. Like she could manage THAT.

Her fists clenched and unclenched, arms shaking with the need to unleash the Fists of Fury on someone. Anyone. The village elders being her first choice, closely followed by Tsunade.

Oh, wait. Sasuke was home. New target!

Sakura quickly started one of her breathing exercises. Being pissed was not going to help the situation. And most likely . . . being the most accustomed to her shisou's eccentricities, Sakura noted the deep circles under the lady's eyes, and the faint red rims that told of the lack of sleep, as well as . . . She glanced at Kakashi for confirmation, which he gave, nodding his head. He could smell sake on her breath.

'Well, that's just great.' Steadying herself, she stepped forward, "Tsunade-sama, please calm yourself. Naruto, please shut up." She ignored the disgruntled growl from beside her. "Why . . .” How did one word this appropriately? "Why has the council decided that we would be the best ones to handle Sasuke? We were under the impression that they were trying to blame Naruto for him leaving in the first place."

To everyone's relief, the older woman sat heavily in her chair, swiveling to face the window. Her face was faintly mirrored in the glass. "A lot of reasons, most of them as two-sided as they come. Ultimately, it comes down to him being the last Uchiha-or at least, the last one willing to be associated with Konoha. The Sharingan means more for the village in terms of standing and power among the other hidden villages. And of course, in terms of security."

"But-"

"Tch! You think I didn't argue? No offense, Naruto, but I've never been fully behind bringing Sasuke back. And the longer he's been gone, the less I've liked the idea." Her eyes softened as she glanced at her favorite ninja. "I don't like seeing you hurt. Moreover, I really don't like seeing you four crowding up my hospital beds. You all make terrible patients." A smile finally crossed her lips.

Kakashi shifted his slouch to the other side. "Does the council not consider the potential danger if he's a traitor? Or the fact that the second Itachi pops up on anyone's radar, he'll likely be off again on his quest for vengeance?"

The scowl came back in full force. "I tried to make them see reason, but they're not having it. They want to welcome the little shit back with open arms. It was hell getting to get them to agree to the restrictions I wouldn't back down on."

Naruto screwed up his face in a reasonable facsimile of his preadolescent pout. "But you're the Hokage! Can't you just-"

"I'm Hokage, Gaki. Not queen."

"Then what-mmph!" He glared at Sakura, who'd just clapped her hand over his mouth. She glared back, putting her other hand on the pressure point in his shoulder in case he decided to struggle.

"If you'd just shut up, she'd tell us!"

Tsunade smirked as the sounds of a scuffle broke out behind her, to be cut short by the sound of Kakashi clearing his throat. There was a long-standing rule put into place by the leader: any misbehaving in front of important people (read: the Hokage or the more wealthy clients) would result in extra laps around the village.

While cross-dressing.

The younger set hadn't thought he'd go through it, until Sai and Naruto had ended up in a verbal spat in front of the local feudal lord's representatives. The next day had found them sullenly running around the village perimeter. Tsunade hadn't realized they sold formal kimono in shades of lime and tangerine. It had been like a scowling, irritable fruit salad on parade.

Grinning at the memory of the two boys wearing makeup and geisha heels, she turned back to face them, ticking points off on her fingers. "No prison, but he's restricted to the village for six months as a civilian. After that time, if he wants to rejoin the shinobi ranks, he starts as a Genin, and can't take the Chuunin exams until I damn well say he can. He's to undergo a complete physical and mental examination-Sakura, you're in charge of the medical exam; you know what I'm looking for-and Morino Ibiki will be making random psych evaluations whenever he sees the need. Officially, Uchiha is Kakashi's ward, but it's up to his team-you-to be his primary caretakers. I want at least two of you with him at all times."

She saw a light dawning in Kakashi and Sai's eyes. "Yes. This means you four will be confined to the village as well."

"WHAT?!?"

"But Tsunade-sama!"

"Respectfully, Hokage-sama . . .”

"SHUT UP!" As silence fell, Tsunade focused for a moment on reigning her temper back in. "I know it's a tough restriction to swallow, but I can grant you more leeway in terms of a stipend to cover what you'll be missing out on mission pay."

Kakashi snorted, and with good reason: Tsunade regularly pimped him out on S-ranked solo missions. The pay for those was astronomical. If he hadn't such a serious Icha Icha habit (not to mention such ridiculously high medical insurance payments), he could probably have bought the Uchiha District himself. "Money aside, what about covering said missions? There isn't going to be a sudden decrease in S-ranked jobs just because Uchiha's home."

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "The same thing I do when you're off running after that bastard. Use someone else. Or, as I was about to say, if you can agree, we can cycle you, Naruto and Sai on active duty so that two of you will always be available."

Sakura stiffened, "What about me, shisou?" She'd be damned if Tsunade didn't give her the same opportunity! Inner Sakura started shaking her fists and swearing.

The Hokage suddenly developed an acute fascination with her fingernails. "Sakura, I was actually considering giving you a promotion."

Her heart stopped for a moment, then raced. Surely not . . . She flushed, "I-I, um. If it's because of Sasuke, I don't want it. I want one based on merit and performance, please."

The woman looked genuinely surprised. "Hell no! I thought you were going to be pissed that I hadn't promoted you already. You're long overdue."

Relief flooded Sakura. "Then I would be honored, Godaime-sama!" She bowed deeply. She could see the others grinning out of her peripheral vision. Inner Sakura in a typical bipolar mood switch, was now doing a victory dance that was reminiscent of Naruto's when he'd learned that he'd been appointed Jounin. Just with a little less air humping. She had no desire to 'screw the man!' as he'd put it.

A question occurred to her. "Wait, would this be a promotion as a ninja or as a medic? I mean, does my status change at the hospital or here?"

Tsunade tilted her head, considering. "It's up to you, Sakura. Either way, nothing is guaranteed. If you pass all the requisite medical exams, you could likely have your pick of any of the wards at the hospital." Sakura's heart contracted wildly at the thought. "Or, again, if you pass the tests . . . you could join the ANBU ranks. We could use some more medic nins."

She heard a slight choking sound behind her, and knew it was Naruto. She glanced over to see him standing very, very still, carefully not looking at her. Realization dawned, "Naruto . . ."

He quickly pasted on a sunny smile. "It's fine, Sakura-chan! I'm really proud of you! You should go for it."

She knew that he meant every word, but that didn't mean he wasn't still hurting. She looked back at Tsunade, who was watching them both with interest. She mouthed silently He's not ready, is he?

Tsunade shook her head regretfully.

Sakura did a little soul-searching. "Can I have some time to decide? Sasuke will be confined to the village for six months, right? It's kind of an either/or decision concerning my career, so I'd like to have an equal amount of time to consider both aspects of it. And while I'm in the village, I can keep Sasuke at the hospital with me, and that'll free up the others. I don't think we'll need more than one person to watch him there, since they already have an ANBU guard."

She heard the kyuubi container shift and start to say something, but she saw Sai move slightly, followed by a muffled 'ow!'

The older woman folded her arms and nodded. "Good thinking, Sakura." She then gazed inscrutably at her student. "You know, ultimately, being a medic and a ninja aren't mutually exclusive. That's the point of medic nins, after all."

She bowed again. "Yes, but I think I'm approaching the level where I'll be too valuable to be allowed to leave the village. And as much as I love Konoha and its people, I still haven't seen as much of the world as I'd like."

The Hokage gave a sadly wistful smile. "Well said." She sighed. "All right, the lot of you need to figure out what the hell you're going to do with Sasuke. Treat him like a friend, treat him like a prisoner, I don't care. I DO, however, want daily reports. He'll be more likely to tell you anything he's not willing to tell me or Ibiki. Speaking of which, I'll send you the interrogation report in the morning."

Kakashi, sensing the meeting drawing to a close, pulled out his trusty book. "Do you want him allowed to spar?"

She nodded, "I encourage it, so long as you're all present. Piss him off, if you can. I want to know what he's capable of." She shot each of them a glare, focusing especially on Naruto, "However, do NOT let it get out of hand. I want you all in one piece."

They quickly snapped to attention. "Hai!"

"Good. I'll send Shizune or someone with a scroll describing the full details of Sasuke's release. Sakura, I'm putting all of my resources at your disposal; you know how to abuse the privilege, and I expect you to do so. Dismissed!"

They moved to leave, except for Sai. "Tsunade-sama . . . now that Duck-Butt-sama has returned . . . am I still a part of Team Kakashi?"

To her credit, Tsunade appeared genuinely surprised. "I haven't removed you in the three years you've been with them. I'm not going to now. Besides, I know you're the least emotionally involved in this mess. I'm counting on you to keep everyone from killing each other."

Oh Lord. Sai as a diplomat. Someone was going to get a Chidori up the ass.

The Hokage abruptly stood and walked over to Naruto. Sakura realized that even with the heels, Tsunade and Naruto stood eye to eye. They stared at each other before the former gently placed a hand on the Kyuubi container's shoulder. "Naruto . . . if he tries to escape, officially, you're supposed to use every means at your disposal to either kill him or bring him back. But . . ." Her grip firmed. "Naruto . . . don't let it become another Valley of the End. If he goes . . . let him. Please. There's no point in dying just because he‘s an insufferable ass. If he can be here and not see what‘s standing in front of him, then his Sharingan‘s not worth having."

There was a glimmer of understanding in the young man's eyes. "Hai, Baa-chan."

She smiled, a real smile that showed them all a glimpse of what Jiraiya had fallen so hard for all those years ago. It was a little tired and worn around the edges. "You've matured, brat. I may actually have to consider treating you like a grown-up one of these days."

Naruto stuck his tongue at her, proving that some things never changed. "All right guys, let's get going!"

Sakura let the boys precede her as Tsunade caught her eye in a familiar way. Instead of slipping out, she quietly closed the door, and asked, "Was there something else, Shisou?"

Tsunade smirked, "Yeah. So . . who's on top?"

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By the midnight, they'd made most of the arrangements. The duck-haired jerk was going to stay with Sai for a few days, until they decided he wasn't a homicidal bastard, just a regular one. After that, he'd spend three days at a time at each member's home, cycling so that no one got too hostile over having his/her personal space invaded. Naruto's house was due to be finished in the next month, and IF the Uchiha managed to avoid being killed on principle, he could have Naruto's old apartment.

Dumpster and all.

It was an open secret that no matter where Uzumaki Naruto applied for an apartment, the only vacancy was a shitty one bedroom that looked out over the dumpster, and always at least 20% higher than advertised.

Naruto HAD been appointed a very nice place, courtesy of Sandaime. After his death, the owner-a personal friend of the old manhad allowed Naruto stay, but after he'd died and left the building to his son, the jinchuuriki had been evicted. Naruto always insisted he didn’t care, and that it was worth paying a bit extra to not have to haul the trashcan any further than the living room window.

Sakura thought he was all too forgiving.

All of this was decided at Sai's place, simply because he had the largest apartment of them all. They'd simply transferred all of the leftover ice cream from Sakura's freezer (courtesy of a little 'poofing' action by Kakashi so that nothing would melt) to Sai's, adding to the half empty five gallon tubs already in there. Sai found it more efficient to buy in bulk, but it was a bitch to dig out of the tubs.

Naruto and Sakura ran the less-perishables, stopping by the convenience store for an extra pint of cookie dough and some more ramen. Of course.

It wasn't exactly a Bitch Night. Those were spontaneous, while this was planned. That, and they actually had shit to do. It was more of a team-dinner-while-formulating-a-strategy-for-our-next-mission thing.

So Sakura made the food, moving around in Sai's spacious kitchen like she owned it, and they sat around the very nice black wood dining table, with Sai's very nice black dinnerware. Between the shinobi's artistic sensibilities, his fat ANBU paycheck and his obsessive-compulsive cleanliness, his spacious apartment always looked like it belonged in a magazine. He cleaned like clockwork on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and the only concession to messiness in him was a tendency to pile up various sketchbooks and notepads on the multitude of flat surfaces.

Only Sai could seamlessly combine both 'creative artist' and 'clean freak.'

He did make a damn good host, though. Apparently, he’d read all about the procedure in another of his stupid books. And yes, they could have explained to him that it wasn’t necessary, but really, who could say no to hors d'oeuvres?

Not Naruto, at any rate.

In any case, Team Kakashi sat together once again, the scroll from Shizune spread across the table between them, discussing several different aspects of the task they were about to undertake. The Copy Ninja and the Loudmouth Ninja were strategizing on how best to get Sasuke out to the training fields for a 'spar,' which would give them the chance to analyze Sasuke's new abilities. Sai had Sakura holding her head in her hands as she tried to explain exactly WHY they weren't going to use standard ninja interrogation techniques on the other raven.

"For Kami's sake, Sai! Even if we're mad at him, we can't just shove senbon into him until he talks! He's supposedly part of the village again. We're just supposed to supervise him, not shish-kebob him!"

"But Sakura-chan, your abilities with that particular weapon would ensure that there wouldn't be any serious damage! And we're supposed to discover any available information regarding-"

"What the hell do you think they're doing at the prison right now, baka? I can tell you-Ibiki's about ten times worse than any rumor you've ever heard. He sure as hell doesn't have Sasuke sitting down to tea and dango." Though he might, she thought to herself, if he thought it would unnerve the subject enough. "Tsunade's going to get plenty of whatever Sasuke thinks she wants to hear. What WE are supposed to do is get him to confide in us. We're supposed to . . ." she swallowed, angry, "She wants us to be his friends again, then slit his throat if he so much as looks at anyone the wrong way."

Silence greeted the end of that sentence, and she realized the other half of the table had been listening in. She took a bite of chicken and rice, staring down at her food so as not to make eye contact with anyone.

Naruto sighed, "Man, sometimes this 'emotionless shinobi' shit sucks."

Kakashi snorted, "Like you've ever been one?"

"Hey!"

"You've never truly been required to fully uphold that part of the shinobi code," Sai admonished. "I find it is far preferable to have feelings about Sasuke-san, even bad ones, than to make myself feel nothing at all. If I felt nothing at all for him, as I have felt nothing for others in the past, the decision of whether to let someone live or die has no real meaning or consequence."

"Wise words," Kakashi nodded.

Naruto looked a bit pouty, "I still say it sucks."

"Yes, but that is because you have the vocabulary of a four year old, Naruto-kun," Sai replied blandly.

"ASSHOLE! I'M GONNA-"

WHAM!

“Sakura!” Sai protested, yanking Naruto’s plate out from under where Sakura had just planted the blonde’s face. “These dishes are new!”

“Gomen, Sai,” she said, genuinely contrite, then snickered at her inadvertent pun. "Hey, Kakashi, who's paying for Sasuke-kun's upkeep? Tsunade mentioned a stipend, but did that actually make it into the scroll?"

Their esteemed leader had the scroll where he could read it, looking ‘underneath the underneath’ for anything that might bite them on the ass.

Kakashi pointed at the relevant lines of kanji. “We’re expected to take responsibility for his housing, food, clothing, everything. Basically, the same as if we’d just adopted an orphan. Or a pet.” He paused for a moment, as if considering. “You know, I like that analogy. He's like a cat, all aloof and pissy." He nimbly dodged the chakra-laden finger Sakura poked in his direction as punishment for his foul mouth.

Sai nodded sagely. "I still think he looks like a duck. Maybe . . . part duck, part donkey?"

Naruto burst into raucous laughter at the mental image of that one, and even Sakura found herself giggling, before forcing herself to pay attention to what Kakashi had actually said.

"Look guys, I can’t afford a damn pet. If I'd wanted one, I'd have gotten a puppy. I can barely afford my bills NOW. The mortgage payments on the District are killing me. Winnings from gambling aside, Tsunade doesn’t pay me that much.”

“What the hell do we do, then? I’m sinking a lot of my money into the District too,” Naruto complained loudly. “We all are. And our missions are going to be severely cut back, so we’re going to be relying on our savings.”

“What, you mean you actually HAVE savings?” Sai replied snidely.

“As a matter of fact, I DO, you arrogant-”

“I thought you told us once you don’t have a bank account.”

“That’s because the banks around here keep ‘losing my money,’ not because I don’t have any!”

Sai cocked his head curiously. He had some difficulty in understanding the villager’s varied reactions to Naruto. He couldn’t comprehend how some could treat him as a friend or brother, and others, usually the ones that didn’t actually know him, could literally throw stones at the ‘monster fox.’

Naruto saw the look and groaned, “I don’t wanna talk about it, Sai. Let’s just go back to Duck-Butt, all right?”

Breathing a sigh of relief that the impending argument had been avoided, Kakashi looked off into the distance. He flexed his healing leg. “Well . . . he won't be staying with anyone too long. . .”

"There's still going to be expenses. Lots of them. Even if I was still in love with him, it would be to big a drain to just let him mooch off of me for six months."

"True . . . well, maybe we could give him the Manor back?"

The blond went back into tantrum mode, “Fuck that! I’m not giving him anything! He want it, he can pay rent!”

There was a chorus of agreement before Sakura reminded them, “Uh, guys? Even if he can get past the defenses-which I’ll remind you, WE can’t-it’s probably not livable. Naruto’s house is the only one near compl-”

“HELL NO!"

Sakura clenched a fist. Naruto, still edgy from the last hit, noticed her eye twitching and actually lowered his voice, though his face was still defiant. “I still think he should be paying rent. If it’s my rent, that’s all the sweeter!”

“One problem,” Kakashi cut in.

“Just one?” Sakura asked sarcastically.

He continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “What is he supposed to pay us with? He’s been a missing-nin for years; there’s little chance he’s carrying around a full wallet. And if he’s stuck as a civilian for six months . . .”

“. . . He won’t be earning mission pay,” Sakura finished, her shoulders slumping. “Damn.”

Sai cocked his head, “Does the Uchiha clan not have any money? A trust fund for him, perhaps?”

The Copy Ninja straightened, “Yes, there was! It was mentioned in the files I was given on the three of you. It was the reason his was able to live on his own. He inherited everything in the clan’s possession, including funds.”

Sakura’s eyes were wide, “And you know, considering how nice the District is, he’s got to be pretty loaded, right?”

“IF the money is still there,” Sai reasoned. “The council could have absorbed the funds into the Konoha treasury when they decided to sell the property.

She tried to grab the mission scroll, but Kakashi was pinning it down, so she scooted over to his side of the table. Ignoring the earthy, musky scent that made Inner Sakura want to jump him, she focused instead on the words in front of her. “According to this, any monies or funds held by one Uchiha Sasuke are to be controlled by his legal guardian-that’s you, sensei-until his probation is over. When he’s reinstated as a ninja, it all goes back to him.”

“So we should go by the bank in the morning and check it out!” Naruto grinned, his eyes taking on a look of unholy glee.

He wouldn’t dare . . . She leaned over and poked him between the eyes. ”Do we really need to have the ‘stealing is wrong’ talk?”

He scowled, “No!”

Sai was next, “As rare as it is for me to agree with Naruto-kun, I think it fair that Sasuke pay a portion of our rents, since we’re being cut from our usual source of income on his behalf.”

“Fair enough.”

Sakura crossed her arms firmly over her chest. “I want the Estate and grounds disarmed. I’ll even let him live there, if he wants, but he’s paying out of his own pocket for rent and repairs.”

Kakashi was making notes by now. “Anything else?”

They shrugged.

“Then I guess we’ll figure it out as we go.” His eye darkened in annoyance. “It’s going to be tough not being able to leave the village. We’ll be very lucky to get a C mission. Well, as a group, anyway. There’s always regular one and two man assassinations and recon groups.”

Sakura smiled, “If we work together, we’ll be fine. We’re a team, remember? We are one!” Her heart fluttered at the warm smile Kakashi gave her, then again as she saw the same look in both Sai and Naruto’s faces.

It was still so hard to believe they were really hers, now. They were one family, one unit. Sakura and her harem of sexy shinobi.

Here was hoping Emo-sama didn’t screw things up.

Oh, and another thing . . . she turned to Naruto and glared.

He face-faulted, “Wh-what did I do?”

She pointed at him, “We’re going to train your ass off for the next six months. I’ve got just that long to decide whether to become an ANBU or to start taking my career at the hospital more seriously. I want to get stronger. I want to know that I can take whatever’s coming at me. And if I do become ANBU, I want you there with me, and I’m NOT going without you, got it?”

Naruto’s blue eyes started to water with emotion, “S-sakura-chan . . . you really mean it?”

Haruno Sakura looked her best friend in the eyes, “Hell yes! For the first time ever, you’re looking at my back. I want you by my side. Are you ready to do what it takes to be Hokage?”

Tears started to pour out of Naruto’s eyes like mini-waterfalls, “Sa-sakura-chan . . . You’re making me look like Gai. . . Stop it!” Rubbing his eyes on his sleeve, he quickly regained his composure, flashing her a parody of the Nice Guy grin. “All right, then! Starting tomorrow, I’m going to train twice as hard in . . . in . . .”

“All the things you suck at?” Sai supplied helpfully.

“Yeah, all the things I-HEY!”

Sakura couldn’t help it; she started to laugh; Kakashi joined in as Sai and Naruto went at each other, yet again. Still giggling, she blushed as she felt Kakashi slide his hand into hers just before he bent down to kiss her.

Even with everything hanging over their heads, life was looking up.

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A/N: Gomennasai! More lemony action is on the way, I promise. This chapter was supposed to end in one, but it’ll have to be next chapter. I have it half-written, already; I just need to find what notebook it’s in! *giggles madly* I nearly hurt myself with that pun Sakura made. 'Gomen, Sai,' 'Gomennasai?' Get it? *hears cricket chirping* Bite me. It makes me laugh every time. I don’t know how in the hell I didn’t notice it before!

Meep: I know! I know! Gomennasai! Sai/Sakura is my favorite pairing in this little foursome, but it never seems quite the right moment for them. I CAN promise some fairly soon. Maybe in the next chapter or two. Thanks for your input, though!

Dragonangelx003: INSERT SHAMELESS PLUG HERE! I read your fic, and really liked it. Anyone else reading this need to get their asses over to Icha Icha Vacation, here on our very own AFF.net. It really is quite well done! Thanks for your words of praise, as well! I love finding just the right words to really catch someone’s imagination. Arigato! *EDIT* Oh, and Icha Icha Vacation 2 was just as good! *applause*

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