Altering Affection

It should be noted that this chapter is pure, unadulterated crack written to make people giggle. I had entirely too much fun torturing innocents...

~*~

“For Chrissakes, Lee, what are you DOING in there? And why is the door locked?” Sasuke pounded on the door again, frustration and impatience evident even in the rhythm.

Lee sat on the plush bench inside a dressing room that was easily larger than his bedroom and winced at Sasuke’s tone. Lee just wanted a break, but his so-called fashion consultant didn’t believe in breaks.

Saskue also didn’t believe in taking no for an answer, saying “please” or “thank you,” or privacy. Shopping with Sasuke was, indeed, an adventure. Sort of like swimming with sharks or having a nice, quiet, tea with a starving vampire in daylight.

“Lee?” Sasuke called again. “We only have an hour left before your spa appointment, and if you think for one second that you’re going to avoid it or be late…”

Lee sighed, stood, and opened the door to the dressing room. An irked Sasuke sauntered in and eyed the piles of clothing. He looked Lee up and down, too, for the hundredth time in the past hour. Lee wore black slacks and a shirt made out of silk that felt amazing but made him look like a throw-back to the 70s.

“Hn,” Sasuke said. “Not that shirt. You do better with simple fabrics, I think.” The light glanced off the metal in Sasuke’s lip and ears as he circled the room.

“I think James has done you well,” Sasuke said. “But then, I thought it would.”

James was the name of the clothing store. Merely breathing inside its hallowed walls cost money, and it was the premier store for homosexual men. Apparently, everyone wanted to be in James.

It wasn’t the official slogan of the store, but it certainly worked.

As soon as the limo stopped in Fashion Center, Sasuke was out of the car and dragging Lee into various stores. The first three didn’t require Lee to try anything on – they were for what Sasuke called “basics” – t-shirts, boxers, that sort of thing. Lee thanked the gods for small favors that Sasuke didn’t require Lee to model any particular brand or style of underwear.

Then Sasuke dragged Lee around the block and into James, (all puns made and supported by the staff). The store had four floors, each one successively more expensive than the previous. Sasuke ruthlessly dragged Lee through all four levels, grabbing the occasional item of clothing as they went. Sasuke didn’t ask Lee’s opinion on anything. In fact, any time Lee tried to open his mouth, Sasuke gave him what Lee understood to be the patented Uchiha Stare of Death. Lee wisely remained mute after that.

Three attendants rushed to help the imperious Uchiha, and Sasuke loaded them down with every kind of clothing imaginable and then demanded more. Then he went back for accessories and shoes. After agreeing to bottled water and depositing Lee into the massive dressing room, Sasuke sat on a throne-like chair and began a running commentary interspersed with barked commands.

“Get him the next size down. His ass can look better than that.”

“Don’t you DARE pair that yellow with that blue.”

“Lee, you have two seconds to get your ass out here and show me what that ensemble looks like before I rip the door off the hinges and make you change out here.”

“Not those shoes, good GOD, man.”

“Different belt. New tie. He needs light brown shoes, not dark. Do you think I’m blind?”

“What am I paying you people to do? Stand around and stare? Move goddammit!”

Clerks scrambled, clothing flew, and when Lee couldn’t change fast enough, they helped. It was overwhelming, occasionally embarrassing, and completely foreign.

Lee didn’t know whether to laugh or punch Sasuke in the face to get him to shut up for ten solid seconds so Lee could have some peace.

After hours of this, Lee had locked himself in the dressing room in desperation. That, of course, led to Sasuke banging on the door hard enough to leave dents.

Lee was sure the man meant well…in fact, he was extremely grateful to Sasuke for taking the time. Not to mention the money; Lee was still overwhelmed at the cost of a single sock, much less an entire ensemble.

Lee watched as Sasuke casually tossed a $500 shirt onto the floor with a grimace. Lee tried not to wince.

But, all bitchiness aside, Lee had to admit that Sasuke had exquisite taste. Apparently Lee was quite clueless as to what looked good on him and what didn’t, and Lee truly thought the results of Sasuke’s efforts were rather amazing. Part of the brilliance was definitely the fact that Sasuke never put Lee in something that didn’t suit him. Sasuke analyzed Lee, his body, his coloring, and the limits of his taste without issue and ordered clothing accordingly. The man obviously enjoyed treating Lee like some sort of broken doll in need of fashion repair, and it was mostly endearing.

Lee would be more touched by the gesture and excited about the massive pile of clothing if only he weren’t so tired. Running twenty miles uphill during the height of summer wearing wool wouldn’t be this exhausting.

Sasuke looked at his watch. “I wanted to make it to another store or two, but this is just going to have to do. I have some things in mind for you that I’ll have sent by your house later in the week.”

“Sasuke, this is truly too much,” Lee said honestly.

“Probably,” Sasuke said. “I doubt it’ll all fit in that tiny closet of yours.”

Lee started to tell Sasuke that wasn’t what he meant but dismissed the idea. Lee had no idea what it was like to operate without concern for money, but Sasuke did. Lee just remained grateful in silence. Well, grateful and slightly confused…but mostly grateful.

Sasuke folded a pair of jeans and turned to face Lee. Then the man actually smiled – or maybe smirked was a better term.

“Besides, if it helps you finally get laid and gets Sakura off my back? It’s all even in my book.”

Lee felt himself blush. “Well, thank you, Sasuke. This is all very…generous.”

Sasuke snorted and waved a hand dismissively. A clerk walked in and Sasuke snapped his fingers to indicate a small pile. “We’re taking everything but that stack.”

The clerk practically genuflected. “Of course, sir. Let me go get some assistance and we’ll box everything for you.”

“Fine, fine.”

“Take that shirt off and wear this one,” Sasuke said and tossed Lee a beautiful light green shirt.

Lee was too tired to ask questions. He did what he was told and followed Sasuke back down to the main floor. After some waiting, several rounds of ridiculously obsequious behavior on behalf of the staff, and the matter of payment, the two young men left James and climbed back into Sasuke’s limo.

For a while there was blessed silence, and Lee leaned back against the seat with his eyes closed. Sasuke fussed with his phone for a while, sighed, and shifted in his seat to face Lee.

“Now, is there anything you don’t wish done to you when we get to the spa?” Sasuke asked.

For some reason, the wording of that question made Lee’s pulse race.

“Um…what kind of spa is this, again?”

“It’s a retreat, actually. My brother’s friends Deidara and Sasori run it. But they agreed to cancel appointments and new visitors this afternoon for the two of us.”

“Really?” Lee asked, astonished.

“Oh yes. Itachi and I are very good customers.” Sasuke smiled.

“Erm, right.”

“So, anything off limits before we get there?”

Lee racked his brain over the various things one could do at a spa. Not that Lee had ever been to one, but there seemed to be a standard set of services such a place would offer.

Lee frowned and then said slowly, “I do not really like the idea of my nails being painted but other than that…”

Sasuke snorted. “I’ll make a note of that, then. I’m sure Dei will ask. And if that’s your only stipulation, then all the better. It’ll be much easier if you just leave this to me.”

Sasuke tapped the screen of his phone rapidly. “I’ll just send ahead a few things I have in mind already. I’ve met Gai often enough to have a fairly good feel for him.”

“What do you mean?” Lee asked, suspicious and curious in equal parts.

“Oh, you know…preferences.”

“Preferences?”

Sasuke waved his phone at Lee dismissively. “Don’t worry, Lee. Just leave it to me.”

Lee felt something very akin to fear slither down his spine. There was just something about Sasuke that made him very…very…nervous.

~*~

Global Blue Spa Retreat turned out to be a massive complex designed in a Mediterranean style that sat on several acres on the outskirts of the city. Lee eyed the impressive entrance with apprehension as the limousine pulled to a gentle stop.

Lee followed Sasuke inside, marveling at the lavish fountain in the entranceway. He was just about to comment on the koi in the pond when a blond man whisked through a doorway and immediately went over to Sasuke and pulled him into a familiar embrace.

“My favorite little Uchiha!” the blond exclaimed. “It’s been too long!”

“I saw you last week, Dei,” Sasuke said, but his tone was light.

“Exactly!” the blond replied. “Too long!”

Lee presumed this was Deidara, and he took a moment to admire the man. He was slim, dressed in jeans and a brilliant red shirt that flowed around his body, and he had long blond hair that was mostly piled artfully on top of his head. His nails were painted black, his feet were bare (toenails matched the fingernails), and his bright blue eyes were clear, earnest, and full of an energy that bordered on mania.

Why did Lee suddenly feel the urge to flee?

“Sasori!” Deidara called in a sing-song tone. “Little Sasuke is here!”

“So I heard,” a second voice said. Lee took an involuntary step backwards as a beautiful redheaded man walked into the entranceway, also moving to embrace Sasuke. He was slightly shorter than Deidara, but no less striking. Clad in a fitted, sleeveless shirt and pants both made entirely of black silk except for a red piping along the edges of his mandarin collar and cuffs, he was quite beyond breathtaking.

Lee felt rather outclassed.

And anxious.

“Sasori,” Sasuke said and returned the redhead’s embrace.

“How is your brother, Sasuke?” Sasori asked.

“Fine I assume. He’s on that cruise with Pein, Hidan, and Kakuzu.”

“Oh, I wish we could have gone!” Deidara lamented. “But the damned resort is completely booked!”

“Such a tragedy,” Sasori said evenly. Deidara stuck his tongue out at the other man.

“Anyway,” Deidara said, taking Sasuke’s arm. “I hear you have a new pet for us to play with!”

Lee took another step backward.

“Oh, he’s not MY pet,” Sasuke correctly quickly. “But I think he’ll soon be someone else’s. I hoped you could assist.”

Deidara’s manic gaze finally turned to rest on Lee, whose skin broke out in goose bumps as he was assessed.

“This is him?” Deidara asked, his unblinking stare making Lee want to whimper.

“Lee, this is Deidara and Sasori. Stop cowering like a scared rabbit and come say hello.”

Lee felt tempted to correct Sasuke, but he had to admit to himself that he was behaving rather cowardly. He straightened his spine and approached the trio. He bowed his head politely to the two new men.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Lee said.

Deidara released Sasuke’s arm and quirked his head, a birdlike gesture. He pivot-turned to face Sasori, who stood with his bare arms crossed, expression calm. Deidara pursed his lips at the redhead, whose only response was to raise both eyebrows.

Lee felt like he’d missed an entire conversation.

Then without warning Deidara yanked Lee so that he stood between the blond and the redhead.

“Nice form,” Deidara said, and he started to circle Lee, eyes roving as though making mental notes. Sasori stood back and regarded Lee as well.

“Good skin tone,” Sasori commented.

“Hair?” Deidara questioned.

“I can manage,” Sasori confirmed.

“Clothing.” It was a statement.

“Obviously Sasuke.”

“True,” Deidara agreed and winked at the Uchiha, who smirked back.

“But the outfit still lets this one-“ Deidara began.

“Show through,” Sasori finished.

“Precisely!” Deidara beamed at Sasori. Then he returned his focus to Lee, moved so that their noses were nearly touching, and frowned. Lee tried to take a step back, but Deidara simply grabbed Lee’s shoulders and held him still in a vice-like grip.

“Eyebrows, pores, and hairline.”

“Noted,” Sasori said.

“Body hair?” Deidara directed the question to Sasuke.

“Get rid of it,” Sasuke said.

Get…rid…Lee’s heart fluttered. What did that mean?

“What about his arms?” Sasori asked.

Sasuke looked at Lee, and the other two men followed suit. It was like they were all speaking code, and it took Lee a couple of seconds to realize they were actually waiting for an answer.

“Um, I scratched up my hands and arms in training,” Lee finally said.

Deidara grasped one of Lee’s forearms, and Lee winced.

“Oooh, poor baby,” Deidara cooed. “Best to leave these alone.” Lee thought he sounded genuinely regretful…and Lee couldn’t help but think it was for all the wrong reasons.

“How long do we have?” Sasori asked Sasuke.

“I need him done by 5:45.”

“That gives us a mere few hours to turn this precious child into a work of art!” Deidara exclaimed. “I do so love a challenge.”

Sasori chuckled. “I’ll go get some things ready.” He turned and left the entranceway. Deidara clasped Lee’s arm – gentler this time – and tucked it through his own.

“We’re going to have such a delightful time!”

“Good luck, Lee!” Sasuke called, mirth lacing his words.

This time, Lee did whimper.

~*~

Generally speaking, Lee was very good with pain.

Pulled muscles, torn tendons, stress fractures, broken bones, surgical wounds, raw skin…Lee was familiar with all sorts of pain types and causes. Pain did not scare Lee, nor did most of the implements used to cause the sensation.

But as Lee shifted and squirmed in the leather seat of the limo, he realized that today would go down as the day he learned about a whole new type of discomfort:

Aesthetic pain.

And if Sasuke didn’t stop chortling and laughing, Lee was going to introduce the damned Uchiha to several new types of torture with his bare hands.

Lee’s introduction to spa treatments started out well and good. He adamantly refused to let Sasori rework his eyebrows entirely, and after a small argument, Sasori relented. Waxing didn’t hurt all that much, Lee learned.

The facial had actually been rather nice overall, so long as Lee could overlook the tool Deidara used to suck his pores clear. That was truly bizarre.

The steam sauna was a blissful experience, despite the fact that Deidara demanded Lee strip entirely – Lee finally managed to convince the blond to give him a little privacy and a robe.

“You take that robe off while inside,” Deidara warned. “We need your pores open and follicles pliable.”

Not understanding a bit of that, Lee just focused on enjoying the steam.

Then Deidara escorted Lee into a room with a rather odd-looking chair, and the laser hair removal began.

Lee didn’t have the words to describe the hours he spent under the intense scrutiny of Sasori’s magnified gaze. The words “uncomfortable” and “embarrassing” and “torturous” seemed to simply fall short.

The back of his neck wasn’t too bad, really, but then Deidara unceremoniously grabbed Lee’s arms and pulled them over his head.

“What are you doing?” Lee asked.

“What, you’re not attached to underarm hair, are you?”

“Um…I never thought about it?”

“Well, you’re soon to be completely unattached.”

Thankfully, there’d been some sort of topical cream involved that made the process a little less like raking a porcupine over an open wound. Then there was more cream which was humiliatingly applied to Lee’s naked armpits with Sasori’s indifferent hands.

Then they’d moved to attack Lee below the waist and the fighting began in earnest.

“Oh, God…” Sasuke wheezed from next to Lee. “The things you said…I could hear you all the way out in the lobby!” A fresh wave of giggles overcame the soon-to-be-dead man. Lee ground his teeth, and clutched the bottle of water in his hand.

After Lee leapt out of the chair yelling in defiance of the below-the-waist hair removal, it took fifteen minutes to get Lee back in the chair. Lee finally admitted defeat. Deidara and Sasori were a brutal combination of comforting, rational, and completely uncompromising. Lee was already trying to block the memories of the extremely terrible positions they’d goaded Lee into to remove the hair.

And, yes, it was true that Lee had remarked on both Sasori and Deidara’s ancestry as the process progressed.

The laser treatment was followed by a round of waxing, plucking, and artful shaving to get rid of anything the laser might have left. Then Sasori fussed over the hair on Lee’s head, and Deidara packed a canvas bag full of bottles and such that Sasori recommended for hair and skin. Then came the full-body cream and oil application (at that point, Lee was beyond caring what body parts were exposed or touched), and then it was blissfully over.

“You will come back in six weeks,” Deidara said, his tone not allowing room for objection. “Sasuke has already paid for the next four treatments. And use this every night.” Lee accepted the bottle of aftercare cream without comment.

Sasuke wiped his eyes. “It may have cost a fortune, but I think the entire thing was worth it just to hear you cuss.”

“Sasuke, would you mind terribly if we passed the rest of our time together in silence?” Lee asked, his teeth clenched and eyes squeezed shut. He would not kill Naruto’s boyfriend…he would not kill Naruto’s boyfriend…

“Sure, Lee.” Sasuke said, still chuckling.

Lee didn’t throw the bottle of water at Sasuke, but oh it was tempting.

“Just wait until I tell Kashi about it,” Sasuke said after a moment.

“Kashi?” Lee asked, slightly panicked. He opened his eyes and stared at Sasuke.

“Sure. That’s where we’re going next.” The imperious shit actually grinned at Lee. “To Glow…Kakashi’s bar.”

Lee felt his face drain of color.

“You just let me know if you change your mind about that Xanex,” Sasuke said.

“Shut-up, Sasuke.”

Thankfully, the Uchiha obeyed.

~*~