Self-Reliance

Note: all 15 chapters are on FF.net. Seriously. I promise. This is just a secondary archive in case FF.net decides to hate me.

That is all.

*
CHAPTER NINE: GOOD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LOVE BAD NEWS


Tsunade’s first words were: “Oh my God, she wasn’t kidding.”

Because, honestly, she’d been certain that her young student had been pulling her leg; why else would Sakura up and claim that Uchiha Sasuke was pregnant and in need of a checkup, if not to coax a smile out of the Godaime? Uchiha Sasuke couldn’t be pregnant on the grounds that he was both male and far too sexually inhibited to ever go above self-service. It just didn’t compute in her head---Sasuke plus pregnant equaled a great laugh and a comical mental image, but nothing even close to being real.

Although, the Uchiha who walked into her office---arms crossed over his chest, belly jutting, and scowl set firmly in place---was entirely too real. Even with his hair pinned back into darling twists and his frown frosted with sparkly pink lip gloss, he was undoubtedly Sasuke, and undoubtedly pregnant. Unless he’d gained an Akimichi-worthy amount of weight through the middle just for the hell of it, which was even more difficult to think about.

“No,” Sasuke growled, trying to ignore the way that Naruto was lingering in the doorway, snickering and unhelpful. “Sakura wasn’t kidding.”

“You’re pregnant,” Tsunade said, mastering the absolute obvious with wide honey eyes.

“Yes I am,” Sasuke agreed. “About six months so.”

“How?”

“Sexy-no-jutsu stripped to its lowest level of internal transformation plus a surprisingly willing sperm donor. Need I go on?”

“No. That…that covers it, I think…”

“I need a checkup,” Sasuke said, leveling the Hokage with a dark glare, as if daring her to disagree. “Probably an ultrasound as well.”

“Oh,” said Tsunade, still very much in shock. “Alright. But I---I think I might need a drink first.”

“It is kinda hard to compute at first,” Naruto said with a nod. “But he isn’t getting any less pregnant, so the idea kind grows on you.”

“Sake,” Tsunade murmured, and blinked again. “I think I need a little sake.”

“You are possibly the worst doctor ever,” Sasuke said heatedly, glaring. “You get squeamish at the sight of blood, you get drunk when a pregnant man comes to you for help---you only got into the ‘Sannin’ because Orochimaru and Jiraiya couldn’t be the ‘Famous Leaf Two’, now could they?”

“Famous Leaf Two sounds too bad-hentai-ish,” Naruto added.

“Orochimaru and Jiraiya in a bad hentai…?” the Uchiha asked, turning an odd look on his teammate. He winced. “Tongue---fur---gah---my head. You just shut up.”

“Shutting up,” Naruto said obediently.

“I think,” Tsunade said gravely, hands on her slender hips. “I need an explanation.”

The explanation turned out into a full-out epic, punctuated by Sasuke’s frank muttering, and Naruto jumping in every once in a while with a long rant and animated hand-motions. It took about an hour to explain the whole mess---lingering longest on matrilineal bloodlines and staying shortest on the question of who fathered the babies---and there were a few mutters of “Itachi wants my blood” and “freakin’ weasel’s after the babies!” to round out the enormity of their problem. Tsunade took it all in with increasing surety, nodding at the right points and telling Naruto to sit down and breathe when the part of their story warranted it. By the end---her composure won back---Tsunade ushered the two to the hospital, where she took them into an examination room and sat Sasuke down on the paper-covered table. She poked and prodded (and Sasuke tried to ignore the metal stirrups at the end of the examination bed; his curiosity was tugging at him to ask what they were for, but his fear overrode the curiosity), finally coming out with a machine she claimed was the ultrasound scanner.

Tsunade instructed Sasuke to lay down and pull up his shirt, which he did obediently. While the Godaime was busy spreading gel over the bare mound of Sasuke’s belly, Naruto gave his trailing hand a reassuring squeeze. Though he’d never admit to it aloud, Naruto could see worry and something that looked suspiciously like fear in the Uchiha’s dark eyes.

Tsunade was surprisingly efficient and professional in her work, considering that she’d been gaping and speechless only an hour before. She explained what she was doing as she did it to put the pair at ease---despite being ranking ninja, they both lacked when it came to know-how in medicine and prenatal care---and placed the ultrasound’s transducer against his belly with a grin of “Let’s see what’s going on in here, shall we?”

“Hmm,” the medic-nin said after a few moments of prodding, sounding mildly surprised. Sasuke winced as Naruto’s grip on his hand tightened automatically.

“’Hmm’?” Naruto echoed, a nervous tremble in his voice. “What do you mean by ‘hmm’? Is that a look-I-see-a-baby hmm, or a oh-my-god-his-internal-organs-are-falling-apart hmm?!”

“His internal organs are not falling apart,” Tsunade assured him. She sounded as if she had to deal with similar father-to-be hysterics regularly. “It’s just…I think that…” she trailed off, moving the transducer about so as to get a better image.

“There’s more than one baby, right?” Sasuke deadpanned, not sure if he was excited at the prospect, or completely exhausted at the thought. Raising one child with Naruto’s energy would be hard enough, but two or more? He suffered headaches at the mere thought. “I had a hunch from reliable sources that that might be the case.”

“Yes,” Tsunade said, quirking a small smile. With her free hand, she pointed to the mess of sketchy, not-quite-humanoid images on the screen. Her fingernail drew over the outline of one head and a spine, a finer white against the pulsating grays and blacks. “This one is easy enough to see, and this one, but…right here, see that? A third baby, nestled in between the other two. Triplets, Sasuke-kun.”

“Triplets,” Sasuke repeated, leaning his head back with a sigh. Naruto kissed his forehead---making Tsunade blink in surprise, shocked at such familiar contact (especially between those two!)---and the smile that he gave the pregnant Uchiha was enough to melt anything. That golden, foxy grin was possibly the most incredible part of Naruto---nothing much could stand up to the force of that grin.

“That’s so awesome,” Naruto said, his tone near-reverent. Leave it to the dobe to be excited; he wasn’t the one dealing with the idea of having his belly overcrowded with three ever-growing visitors.

“Are they healthy?” Sasuke asked quietly, still stuck on the rudimentary problems. They could figure out the crib situations and related paraphernalia later on. Right now, he was just worried with their health and their size---possibly a worry influenced by increasingly maternal hormones, but he wasn’t in the mood to think about that sort of thing.

“They look fine, Sasuke-kun,” she assured him, tucking back a long strand of honey-blonde hair that had fallen out of her neat plaits. “A little small for six months, but you don’t look so well yourself, so diet may be to blame. Have you been having problems?”

“Yes,” Naruto answered for him, vehemently. “He’s been puking his lungs out like two or three times a day, even ramen, and I didn’t know anyone could get so nauseated from eating ramen---and he should be eating for two, right---oh my God, he should be eating for four!” He gave Sasuke a dirty look, as if his morning sickness was intrinsically his fault. “We’re going to have to fix this.”

“I should say so,” Tsunade said, handing Sasuke a towel so that he could wipe the gel from his stomach. He did so gingerly, looking as if his thoughts were definitely elsewhere. “You and I are going to have a talk about that.”

“You’d better yell at him,” Naruto said with a nod.

“You’d better not,” Sasuke growled. “I’ve been trying to gain weight---it’s not my fault that I can’t keep anything down.”

“I’ll only yell if you keep it up. Do you have any idea when you’re due, Sasuke-kun?” Tsunade asked, one golden eyebrow piqued in question.

“Naturally, I didn’t have a last menstrual cycle to go off of,” Sasuke said with remarkable calm. Had it been him, Naruto knew he would’ve been blushing and stammering, unable to fully form an answer past the massive weight of his embarrassment. Sometimes, being an impassive, straightforward, I-don’t-give-a-flip Uchiha had its perks. “I know for a fact that I conceived on October 10th, though.”

“October 10th,” she repeated. She looked at Naruto’s blushing expression of dire mortification, eyes widening. “Oh…that October 10th. Oh. Okay. Moving on. That should put your due date somewhere near the beginning of August, though with multiple babies, they often come earlier than their due date. Every week you keep them in the third trimester counts.”

“It’s high-risk, isn’t it?” Sasuke asked flatly. His expression was pinched.

“Very,” the Godaime agreed. “Your body type isn’t very well outfitted for this kind of thing---not tall enough to carry the weight well, and too slender through all the wrong places.” She sighed, rubbing her forehead as she looked at the chuunin. “I can tell it’s already starting to take a toll on you. I can see that you’re not keeping anything down, you’re having trouble sleeping if those bags beneath your eyes are any indication, and I can assume that your pelvis has started to hurt you as well---kind of a boxy pain through your hips, I’d imagine, and the pressure only gets worse when you stand up for long periods of time. You run the risk of seriously injuring your pelvic bones because of the weight of triplets, Sasuke-kun. Despite the jutsu, you’re still fundamentally male.”

“I know,” Sasuke murmured. “And I’ve tried to keep off my feet as much as possible since recognizing the pain as pelvic stress. I just…did not foresee a lot of this going into this pregnancy. I didn’t know it’d be quite this difficult.”

Pelvic stress on top of everything else? Naruto thought angrily, glaring daggers at his close-mouthed mate. What else have you not been telling me, Sasuke?

“What are my chances of birthing a healthy set of triplets come full term?” Sasuke asked quietly, ignoring both Naruto and the carefully unnamed emotion that was tightening his throat.

“Not high,” Tsunade admitted with a frown. “Not in the shape you’re in now, at least. If you can manage to gain back some weight and rest yourself, you might raise the numbers a bit. You go any lower than this point, though, and I can almost guarantee at least one stillborn, if not a full miscarriage.”

The look in Sasuke’s eyes at that doom-laden prognosis made Naruto’s stomach knot. He looked like he wanted to die, and, knowing Sasuke and the way he was about these babies, it wouldn’t surprise him if the Uchiha did kill himself over miscarrying. Naruto knew that even a promise to help him get pregnant again wouldn’t help---losing these triplets would be like losing his clan all over again. This was the only hope he’d ever allowed himself to hold on to, and if that was denied him, Naruto was not sure what would happen.

“I can give you something for the nausea,” Tsunade said, sitting down in her chair and tapping her lower lip in thought. She was looking at Sasuke without really seeing him; the medic-nin in her was firing off all the possibilities available to help his cause. “And if that was no longer an issue, I can assume that you’d make an effort to eat well again.”

“Of course,” said Sasuke, half in mutter. “I’d do anything to assure the health of my children.”

“And I’ll make sure he eats plenty,” Naruto added, raging inwardly that he’d follow through with the pin-and-feed plan if circumstances called for it. Kyuubi growled his agreement.

He carries our kits, so he better do it well, the fox snorted, irritated with how perfectly and illogically ill-fit his container and mate were for the job of raising a litter. There’s always the pink thing, but I’d rather not use her as our breeding bitch unless we have to. I’m partial to this dark-furred one, as are you.

Partial? Naruto echoed, his eyes darkening at the thought. I’m sticking with him, Kyuubi, no matter what. I’ve claimed this one for good.

“Good,” the Godaime said, still tapping on her lower lip. “I’d also suggest sliding the jutsu full-female, as that would relieve a lot of the stress on your pelvis. I’ll want you to have regular check-ups with me, Sasuke-kun---you should have done so much earlier, and while I understand why you were less than enthused to come to me about this, I still have to condemn your actions as stupidity. You would not be in the state you are now if you had allowed me to watch over your pregnancy from the beginning.”

“I realize that,” Sasuke said tightly, a hand curved to hold his belly. “And I regret it. Still, if there’s a chance of keeping all three, I want to make every effort towards it.”

“I thought you would,” the medic-nin said with a smile, getting to her feet. “I know it’s a bit late now, and slightly out of place, considering the mood, but…congratulations, Sasuke-kun.”

“Thank you, Godaime-sama.”

“So…Naruto-kun, I’d like to have a word with you,” Tsunade said with a nod, briskly leaving the room as if she fully expected Naruto to follow. Naruto shrugged, kissing Sasuke’s forehead.

“Go on home,” he said. “I’ll deal with the hag and then meet you for dinner. Ramen for five?”

“Ramen for five,” Sasuke agreed as his mate helped him into a sitting position. “Don’t be long, or it’ll get cold.”

“I won’t let her yell at me for long,” Naruto grinned, sticking out his tongue. “She can only call me an idiot so many different ways. She’ll probably get into me for impregnating one of her best shinobi with a set of triplets without a thought about missions and shit. I’m sure she’s pissed that I didn’t pass this by her first---not that I could have, seeing as it was your plan---but the babies are healthy enough right now, so she can’t be too pissed.” He leaned over and gave his stomach a loud and exaggerated kiss. “So you go back for a nap, and if I’m more than an hour or two, don’t wait up for me. You heard the hag---the kits gotta eat.”

“I’m sure they’ll let me know whether or not they’re up to holding dinner for you. I’ll see you in a bit, then.”

*
Naruto sighed and rubbed his forehead, sure that a headache was coming on.

“A mission?” he repeated tiredly. “Already?”

“Yes, already,” the Godaime said crabbily, giving him a cranky look. “You might as well have been on vacation the last month and a half---it damn well wasn’t a real mission.”

“With all the stress I’ve gone through in the last couple of weeks,” Naruto muttered. “It pretty much was a real mission. Not only did I have to deal with a suddenly emotionally-driven Uchiha, but now I have reliable sources telling me that Uchiha Itachi is looking for his little brother so that he may ‘congratulate’ him on the little bundles of joy he’s expecting. Tsunade, I think I might go crazy if I have to spend a couple of weeks away from Sasuke!”

“Gaara asked for you especially. He won’t do anything without you present.”

Naruto grinned. “He has such a crush on me.” At Tsunade’s severe look he added: “Which is a bad thing. ‘Cause he’s the leader of a ninja village and he has to be responsible, and…stuff.”

“You know, the other jounin listen patiently to their missions, and complete them without complaint. You, on the other hand, fill up my time with small talk and bitching. Could we possibly move on to what this mission actually is about before you start whining about having to take it on?”

“Fine, fine,” Naruto leaned his chair back on two legs, staring blankly up at the ceiling. “What is it this time? The Water Nation acting up again?”

“Two new rogue nin. They’ve taken out eight hunter-nin already.”

“That’s ANBU work,” he said shortly. “I’m not an assassin, hag.”

“I know that.” She paused. “One of them is Hyuuga Hanabi.”

Naruto groaned. “The main-line Hyuuga kid? Hinata’s kid sister? You shitting me?”

“Of course not,” the Godaime said with a twitchy little smirk. Only Uzumaki Naruto had the gall to speak with a Hokage like this…the boy honestly didn’t give a damn. That made him both singular and interesting; Tsunade hated it as much as she liked it. “Hanabi defected after making jounin six months ago. Your guess is as good as mine as to why, but she’s obviously either got a chip on her shoulder or is downright power-hungry. You know the type.”

You mated with the type, Kyuubi agreed. Naruto ignored him.

“The kid’s only---what? Thirteen? Fourteen?” he said weakly, stomach sinking with the realization. “If she’d killed her clan before leaving, I’d call her a goddamn Itachi…do all bloodline clans have this problem? I mean, God…” He sighed, counting ceiling tiles to get away from the eventuality of this conversation: the order for him to kill a thirteen-year-old girl in cold blood. It’d come. It’d come, he’d follow through, and he’d take another life. There was the justification that she’d already killed eight of Konoha’s hunters, but…but was there ever a complete justification for taking life? Naruto would never have a taste for it. He’d never be so cruel as Itachi or so hard as Kakashi. It wasn’t his ninja way.

He closed his eyes. “Who’s the other nin?”

“We’re not sure,” Tsunade admitted. “We’ve got some sources claiming that it’s an unknown from the Hidden Village of Sand---which explains Kazekage-sama’s involvement---others claiming that she’s simply joined a packet of other missing-nin. Either way, it’s not going to be easy to get at her.”

“Stuff like this makes me sick,” Naruto said quietly. “So why me? Why not the ANBU? Isn’t the search-and-destroy thing kinda their gig?”

“You’re not there to capture the missing-nin,” the Godaime said, and handed him a dauntingly fat stack of papers. “I’m sending Anko and two other ANBU for the cleanup. You and your chosen team are there solely to find her, put together a report on why Hanabi-san left, and to…keep it quiet. We are not in the best terms with the Mizukage, and I’d rather he didn’t know of our own instabilities. I think you understand.”

“Yeah,” the kyuubi-boy muttered. “Politics.”

“The sting operation will be launched nine days from today---we’ll use the Mist’s spring festival as cover when we go in for the rogue nin. You’ll track them down, interrogate them if the opportunity presents itself, and bring in the ANBU if you meet resistance.”

“Standard procedure. Yeah, I’ve got it.”

“Who are you going to take?” Tsunade asked, watching with amusement as Naruto’s eyes darted over the charts she’d set before him. He’d come a long way from the nearly illiterate genin she’d first met five years back---upon having Kakashi snitch on exactly how poor Naruto’s reading and writing skills were, Iruka spent an entire summer tutoring his former student. Most of the teachers he’d had in primary school had passed him simply to get rid of him, so Naruto had been lacking when it came to the basics. One could hardly tell anymore. He picked things up quickly.

“Hyuuga Neji,” Naruto replied slowly, as if thinking aloud. “I’ll need his quick eyes and ability to read body-language. Besides, I’m sure this is something of a family issue with him. So Neji, myself…and Konohamaru.” He plucked a thin, paper-clipped stack of papers from the giant folder, tossing it across the desk. From the photo, a gangly teenager with gleaming dark eyes and a mischievous air grinned up at her. “Fifteen and still chuunin, I know, but he needs the field experience. That, and his stealth skills are nearly unmatchable---so much so that sometimes even I have trouble finding him. I’ll need that kind of finesse if we’re going to get to the bottom of this mess.”

“An unlikely three-man team,” the Godaime commented. “But then again, you seem to enjoy coming up with odd combinations. I can only fear what you’ll do once you’re forced to compile teams and missions full time.”

“What do you mean?” Naruto asked with a furrowed frown. He gave her a curiously prodding look. “Compiling teams and missions is the Hokage’s job.”

“I’m planning my retirement party for a couple weeks from now,” Tsunade said cheerfully. “And I hope to be planning your inauguration as Rokudaime for the same day.”

Naruto dropped the thick stack of papers he’d been holding. They sifted between his numbed fingers as his jaw dropped lax and open. He made a pathetic squeaking sound that trailed off into an even more pathetic teakettle-going-off noise. Tsunade wasn’t sure if it was better than his reaction to his triplets or worse.

“R-Rokudaime?” Naruto repeated, his eyes widened into huge blue pools of bewilderment. “Me? Now? But---but you’re young---I’m young---it’s not---not a good time---“

“I’m not young, Naruto, and you damn well know it,” Tsunade said waspishly. “I’m fifty-six. That’s far too old for a woman to be holding the office of highest ninja. And you’re not too young, either. Yondaime-sama was only barely older than you when he became Hokage.”

“He was twenty-one,” Naruto said, scratching the back of his head and squinting. “I’m eighteen. There’re flying leaps between eighteen and twenty-one. Gah. Are you sure you’re just not all menopausal or something, old hag? Right now isn’t a very good time for me. I mean, hell, six months ago I’d jumped for joy, but---but now I’ve got a mate and a litter of kits on the way…top that with the sudden rocket towards greatness and I might go bonkers.”

Tsunade wrinkled her nose at his particularly foxy terminology---couldn’t he just say lover and kids like the rest of the world?---but she saw that saying that left a worry-weight on his shoulders. He hunched over, elbows on his knees, face in his hands, and sighed deeply.

Such states he bounced around. Fatherly pride, businesslike poise, and now…something else entirely.

“You’ve grown up, Naruto-kun,” the older woman said, smiling. He was right---the Naruto six months past would have taken the position without a thought, dancing about in boyish glee, and the fact that he did have to sit and sigh and brood on it marked him as a man aware of his responsibilities. Responsibility was doing good things to the boy. Giving him premature gray hairs, perhaps, but those weren’t always bad.

“Grown up?” he asked, giving her a weak and crooked grin. “I’ve still got a lot of growing up to do. The day when the idea of getting drunk and running around Konoha in nothing but my underwear has no appeal to it is the day I’ve grown up.”

“I’m serious,” said Tsunade, taking a seat next to him. She mussed his appallingly spiky hair as if he was still the thirteen-year-old shortcake she’d met all those years ago, and not a tall jounin well on his way to being an adult. “When Jiraiya first brought you to me, you were nothing but an idealistic brat with big dreams and a bigger mouth. Like every other Libra I know, you couldn’t figure out what you wanted, so you decided just to get it all. You’re not that brat anymore, much as it pains me to admit it. Sasuke-kun’s made you grow up some, but most of it’s been of your own free will. You’re a shinobi, a warrior, but you’re still compassionate. That’s what’ll make you the best Sixth, Naruto. That compassion”

“I hate it when you reminisce,” Naruto groaned. “’Big dreams and a bigger mouth’…? Where do you get this shit?”

“It’s heartfelt shit,” Tsunade said, poking his whiskered cheek. “So, tell me what you’re thinking. Are you going to finally fulfill your dream?”

“I…don’t…” he looked down at the pile of papers at his feet and sighed again, leaning down to shuffle them back together. “I’m not sure. Could you postpone your retirement party until after I’m back from this mission? Give me two weeks to mull it over. I’ve got a lot of pros and cons to weigh.”

“If I may make a comment,” the Godaime said lightly, giving his shoulder a pat as she creaked to her feet---an odd antic, considering she looked to be about twenty. “The position of Hokage has its perks. You won’t have to leave the village unless for diplomatic meetings with the other Kages, or unless the goddamn nation is about to go up in flames. Meaning you dish out missions for the rest of the shinobi and rarely go on them yourself. Meaning you can be there for Sasuke and his triplets.”

“That is a perk,” Naruto murmured. “That’s a big perk.”

“You’ve got almost a month to think about it,” Tsunade said. “And I’ll bet you’ll find the right decision by then.”

“Don’t bet on it,” the kyuubi-boy begged weakly. “Bad things happen when you start betting.”

“Ha, ha, ha,” Tsunade muttered irritably. “Your brilliant sense of humor is the one thing I’m not nominating you for. Now get out of my office, kid---you’ve got dinner reservations.”

“Yep,” Naruto said, slowly reclaiming his foxy grin as he got to his feet. He had to shake off this funk before he met up with Sasuke, because his mate would wonder what was wrong, and he wasn’t entirely sure he could put his current worries into words. “And I wouldn’t miss that for the world. See you tomorrow morning, ya wrinkled old hag.”

Naruto just missed the paperweight that was flung at his head.

He stuck out his tongue like a five-year-old---not a young man she’d just set up an A-level mission with and who she’d nominated for Hokage---and jetted down the hallway before the older woman could throw anything else at him. Grinning like a maniac---his favorite expression---he almost ran smack-dab into a shorter ninja who hadn’t been looking where he was going, being far too engrossed with the book he was reading. The dark-haired boy looked up, recognized the foxy blond, and grinned hugely.

“Naruto!” Konohamaru greeted cheerfully, tucking the last issue of the Icha Icha series into his belt-pouch. “So you’re finally back from your uber-secret mission! How’d it go?”

“Pretty well,” Naruto said, shrugging. Konohamaru locked him into a glare, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Okay, spill. How dangerous was it? Tsunade refused to give anyone any details---I’ve been going through her paperwork when she isn’t in the room, but you haven’t even been sending in any mission reports! This has been driving me nuts!”

“You have no idea how dangerous it was, my friend,” Naruto said gravely, settling a brotherly hand on the younger boy’s shoulder. “I was afraid I was going to lose my balls at any moment.”

“Dude, what were you doing?” Konohamaru asked, perfectly intrigued. His friend was one of the best ninja he knew, and the thought of a mission taking him by the balls was a cowing thought.

“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told it to you straight,” the kyuubi-boy said with a laugh.

You mean it isn’t usual for one to announce his male mate having come with kits? Kyuubi asked flatly, rolling his great crimson eyes. Gee, how odd.

I hate it when you’re sarcastic, Naruto muttered waspishly back. Go replay my sex life and leave me alone for a while.

You’ve engaged in intercourse the whole of ONE TIME. Those memories won’t hold my interest for long, despite how delectable our bitch was. I’m still curious as to how he’ll taste with kits ripening in his belly, and I know you want to know, too. We really ought to work on this self-control of yours.

Just go away. I’m talking with someone else right now.

“Uh, Naruto?” Konohamaru asked, waving a hand in front of the jounin’s suddenly irritated face. He was staring at a fixed spot in front of him. “Knock-knock, Naruto…c’mon, man, you’re supposed to say ‘who’s there’?”

“Er---what---yeah,” Naruto spluttered, realizing that he’d zoned out. His dark-haired little friend was glaring at him, hands on his hips, an eyebrow cocked in question.

“You should have the medic-nin check you for shellshock,” he said sagely. “Looks like whatever it is you’ve been doing for the last month and a half has messed with your head.”

“You’ve got no idea,” Naruto agreed with a sigh. “My brain’s reaching critical. Look, Konohamaru, I’ve got a mission in a little over a week---you’re coming, too.” Noticing his exuberant expression, he waved him off, adding: “---Don’t thank me just yet. It’s a touchy A-level, and it’s not going to be pretty. Missing-nin, Hyuuga shit, politics---Tsunade-hag will fill you in on the details. It’s…it’s not going to be nice, ‘Maru.”

He sobered abruptly, his chin squaring as he nodded.

“It’ll be my first A-level,” Konohamaru said quietly.

“I know. That’s why I’m giving you nine days to prepare. Get yourself in the zone, right?” Naruto said. “I know I’m going to have to put a lot of stuff going on aside for this mission, and I expect you to do the same.”

Naruto grinned then, his expression softening as he lightly punched Konohamaru’s upper-arm.

“’Eh, stop scowling. Loosen up. I’m done with the strict team-leader spiel.”

“Good,” Konohamaru said, punching him back in a fine show of male camaraderie. “’Cause man, you’re much better when you’re not all team-leadery. My fellow closet pervert is better.”

He paused, his eyes lighting up with a remembered thought.

“Oh, dude, did you see that chick who was in the hag’s office earlier? Big, but hot. And I mean hot, man. Icy-hot. Slinky eyes, white skin…I asked her what her name was and stuff, but she like did this ‘I’m going to eat your soul’ look and just walked away. I so wish that the chicks in my age-group weren’t such cows…I’d like to be the dude who’s her daddy, y’know what I mean?”

“’Maru,” Naruto said cheerfully. “I think you met my mate.”

“Your what?”

“Well you see, it turns out that Sexy-no-jutsu has a coupla other uses not filed into the nosebleed category…”



*

It wasn’t that Naruto didn’t want to be Hokage. God only knew it was anything but that---the highest office had been his personal dream for longer than he could rightly remember. There was no point in his life that he could remember looking at the worn old chair and crisp robes and not immediately thinking: those are gonna be mine someday. I’m going to be the best. The thought had always been there---a tease at the back of his mind, omnipresent and bright, and it’d shaped his whole childhood. Hell, it’d shaped his personality, his outlook, and his very ninja way. Being Hokage meant everything.

Unfortunately, his dreams were having a hard time faring against his current reality. Hokage was now back-burner material, seeing as Sasuke and the kits were now Everything. Juggling his new Everything and his old one would prove troublesome.

The Hokage was a public figure---the most public figure in Konoha, actually, and he had limitations because of that. It wasn’t impossible for the Hokage to have a family---Yondaime had had a wife before he died, and Sandaime had had children and grandchildren while acting as the village leader. Konoha liked seeing their Hokage with a family, because that made them all the more a celebrity.

As it stood, Naruto was recognizable and well-known. And why not? He’d been birthed the Kyuubi’s container, he’d grown up a prankster from whom no one was safe, and he’d finally evened out into an increasingly distinguished jounin. People knew him when they saw him on the streets---and, after many, many years, he was starting to receive fewer glares, curses, and spit-in-the-faces---but he still had a private life, away and above from the greater village. Naruto was allowed that luxury because he was just a jounin---any further scales on the social ladder and he’d become a bright golden spot on the who’s-who lists.

And, as it was, Naruto could no longer afford that, mostly because he didn’t need other shinobi prying into his personal life and finding an Uchiha lover expecting a set of triplets. Not only was his lover pregnant out of what on all accounts was wedlock, he was male. Not only was he pregnant and male, he was an Uchiha. The last decent Uchiha! Foxes and fans and messes and babies…those sort of things always turned out bad in the gossip columns.

Naruto mulled over his situation as he trudged to the old Uchiha section of Konoha---a little ghost town (a frighteningly apt term past the pun) nestled inside the larger city. The complexes hadn’t fallen to disarray in the years since their sudden vacancy due to the other old families wanting to somehow keep intact dead Uchiha honor. It was as if they were waiting for a flock of Uchiha to simply appear out of thin air one day to fill the streets and apartments once more.

After a long discussion, Naruto and Sasuke had decided that the old complexes were the best place for them to move. Each had his own apartment, but Sasuke’s was tiny enough for one man, much less two and three babies, and Naruto shared his flat with Kiba and Lee. For one reason or another, he didn’t think his roommates would appreciate one surly pregnant guest and three tiny ones that would wail in the middle of the night.

Naruto was not going to move in with Sasuke, despite his mate’s not-so-subtle suggestions that he ought to. Naruto felt that that was simply too much too quickly, and people would notice. It was better for Uchiha pride if the kyuubi-boy kept his spot with Kiba and Lee. He’d spend ninety percent of his time at the Uchiha complexes anyway, but the thought of actually moving in…it just didn’t settle right.

Despite being tempting. Despite the fact that Naruto would like nothing less than to stay with Sasuke all day and all night, watching over him and their growing kits. Naruto sighed, throwing out his senses to find which apartment Sasuke had settled on. He picked up his chakra signature almost immediately---along with the after-scent of Sakura’s minty chakra; she’d probably come by earlier to squeal and chatter at Sasuke in the exact way he loathed most. His own fault for being pregnant and cute. Sakura honestly couldn’t help herself.

Naruto took off his sandals in the doorway, yelling “I’m home!” to the gray walls and dusty ceiling. Even if the Uchiha clan had been decimated, their spider population hadn’t followed suit. The blond jounin frowned at the thick cobwebs, wondering idly if having Sasuke spend the night in his apartment wasn’t such a bad idea after all---until they’d cleaned this place up, at least. If the spiders were this bad, he didn’t want to know what else was happily thriving in the shell of the old Uchiha community.

“I’m in the living room!” Sasuke yelled back, sounding half-asleep. Naruto grinned, doggedly following the voice, the chakra, and the familiar scent.

Sasuke had taken the time to hatefully strip off Sakura’s careful disguise---his dark hair was rumpled at odd angles from being pinned back all day, and he’d scrubbed the make-up off with enough vigorousness as to leave his pale face red. He hadn’t changed out of the overalls, though, probably because everything he had at home was leagues too tight to house his newly rounded belly. Sasuke was stretched out on a futon Sakura had helped him drag in, a blanket draped over his thin shoulders and a half-eaten bowl of ramen in his hands.

“What took you so long?” Sasuke asked, focusing him into a glare that was less angry and more confused. “It’s been almost three hours.”

“The hag had a lot to yabber on about and stuff,” he said, shrugging. “So, nice place you’ve got here. Very gray. Very spidery. Very creepy.”

“Welcome to the Uchiha clan decorating sensibility,” Sasuke said flatly, slurping noodles with an abandon that meant he was either very tired or just irritated with the world in general. That, or both. Sasuke was a mean multi-tasker.

“And people wonder why Itachi went nuts. Oh yeah, I saw Konohamaru,” Naruto added, changing the subject entirely before Sasuke could get defensive. “Talked to him for a bit. Scarred him for life. You know, stuff.”

“Sakura and Ino came by,” Sasuke said mid-bite. “I shut the door in their faces. Goddamn Akimichi woman wouldn’t stop staring…”

“Give ‘em time. They’ll either get used to the pregnant you or they’ll have an aneurysm. So, how many bowls of instant ramen fell to the valiant battle against your cravings?” Naruto grinned, picking up the remnants of several packages.

“Only four,” Sasuke said setting down the empty cup and stretching with a yawn. “I drank that tea Tsunade subscribed, and it really did help my nausea. I would’ve eaten more, but my stomach’s gotten squished by three babies taking up the room it usually does. I’ll honestly burst if I stuff myself. This weight gain is going to have to be gradual.”

“One bowl for each of you, I guess,” Naruto laughed. He sighed, scratching his unruly blond mop. “Man, and to think I used to hate ramen…”

Sasuke actually had the decency to look surprised. He blinked.

“You, hate ramen? Not possible.”

“Oh yes it was,” Naruto sighed again, this time out of old, remembered frustration. “I started eating ramen when I was little ‘cause it was easy to make, and, beyond that, cheap. Nobody was throwing out money to the kyuubi no gaki, so I kinda had to make do on my own a lot of the time. Did odd jobs for people to make end meet, and ate nothing but ramen ‘cause it was five for a dollar and kept me relatively full. Got a taste for it after a while, but I remember hating everything about ramen. Used to make me sick.”

“Your babies certainly don’t share that viewpoint,” Sasuke said in a weak attempt to fade out the suddenly dark look on Naruto’s face. He didn’t like talking about his childhood before team seven, and Sasuke didn’t blame him. Neither of them had had much joy or acceptance in their early childhoods---Sasuke had been stuck with a perfectionist, domineering father who saw the world through Itachi-tinted lenses, and Naruto had had nothing save for the disapproval of villagers who couldn’t figure out why he didn’t have the decency to just curl up and die.

“I know,” the kyuubi-boy said, blue eyes dim. “And I’m glad they’ve got a choice in the matter. I don’t want my kits to have to grow up like I did. I want to be the best dad ever.”

“I have no doubt you will be,” said Sasuke, rubbing distractedly at his lower back. It was pinched from pressure and knotted horrendously, and only Uchiha pride kept the young man from complaining about it. Spending the whole day on his feet hadn’t helped his condition any. Naruto noted his grimace with a sharp eye, smiling gently.

“C’mere,” Naruto said, and settled in behind Sasuke, motioning for him to lean forward a bit so that he would be able to massage his aching back. “The old hag gave me a few pointers on takin’ care of you. Said that your back’s gonna hurt you the worst in the next coupla months, so she told me how I can help you with it.”

“That’s what she wanted to talk to you about? Taking care of me?”

“That, and other things,” Naruto said dismissively, swallowing hard and hoping Sasuke wouldn’t prod as to what those other things were. He wasn’t terribly inclined to talk about it just yet. “But nothing that won’t keep. We’ll talk about it later, when your back isn’t hurting you. Give me your word that you won’t bite me, and I’ll give you a rubdown whenever you need it.”

“Right now would be good,” Sasuke admitted, and leaned over as far as his stomach would allow, relaxing his shoulders. “And I’ll make no such promise. I only bite you when you’re being stupid, and therefore worthy of being bitten.”

“Granted,” Naruto agreed, starting on the knots in his tight shoulders. “But I can’t go on missions toting love-bites, either. The enemy nin will laugh at me.”

“How is it that they don’t see your very orange self and keep from laughing? My bites are nothing compared to the strength of your orangeness.”

“Bah,” Naruto muttered, because he neither had a comeback for that, nor could completely disagree. Activating a little chakra in his hands---just enough to warm them and to help him to tease Sasuke’s muscles into more comfortable arrangements---he kneaded lower, across the bands of muscles tied in almost literal knots due to the odd distribution of weight out front. Sasuke gave little sighs and mumbles, that while being almost utterly unlike him, were ungodly cute.

“Does that feel good?” Naruto asked, amusement warming his tone as Sasuke arched against his massaging hands like a cat.

“You’ve no idea,” Sasuke murmured, eyes half-closed as he felt each loosened muscle relax in relief.

“Your belly sore, too?” He wondered, sliding his hands around his stomach and gently applying pressure in circles against his tightened skin. “Tsunade said to rub here---“ and he slid his fingers to his sides, rubbing circles from just beneath his ribcage to his hips. ---to help you carry the weight better, and here---“ He then cupped the top of the bulge, kneading gently with the heels of his hands. “---to help the babies position for birth. Who knew that rubbing could be so useful, huh?’

“Rubbing is very useful,” Sasuke said, breath hitching a bit as Naruto took his mischievous caresses lower. “---but not down there, dobe. Go back north.”

“My hands must’ve slipped,” the blond said innocently, grinning into the nape of Sasuke’s neck. “Oops.”

“Stop fondling and keep with the tummy-rubbing,” Sasuke said, yawning. “…feels good.”

Naruto literally jumped as he felt something move against his fingers, a sliding sensation unlike the jabs and kicks the babies usually gave.

“W-what was that?” Naruto asked, worried.

“One of the babies rolling over,” Sasuke said, and patted his hands. “They’re enjoying the attention.”

“Man, I’m gonna miss you when I’m back doing missions,” Naruto said with a sigh. “You’ll probably be huge by the time I get back home. Which, of course, will only work to my favor---you’re much easier to pin when you’re toting around twenty-something extra pounds, and you only squirm more…”

“Is that all you can think about?” Sasuke asked wryly, wrinkling his nose in disgust. “How big I’m getting? Knowing you, you like seeing me this heavy and defenseless.”

“Maybe,” the kyuubi-boy grinned, lightly drawing playful curlicues against his white skin with his fingernails. “You are very sexy, and I’ll take my Sasuke however I can get him, be he slinky-slender and lean or round and heavy with kits.” He licked his cheek with a deep, teasing chuckle. “Both taste excellent.”

“I’m trying to decide whether I’m flattered or sickened. Look at me---ready to burst and only beginning the third trimester. It’s just my luck that you’re not only fertile, but you manage to impregnate me with big, healthy babies. Trying to decide if I’m glad about that or absolutely infuriated.”

“While you decide whether you want to gut me or shag me thoughtless, I’ll just see if I can’t distract you from option A and influence you into option B…” Naruto purred, rubbing harder. This provoked a small, appreciative moan from Sasuke. He leaned back into Naruto, tilting his head back to smile slightly at his new mate.

“I can’t believe that this is real,” he said softly, in one of his rare shows of gentleness.

“That what’s real?”

“This. You…the babies…that…that I’m not alone in this old complex anymore. It’s been quiet here for too many years.”

“Well,” Naruto grinned, and brushed his dark hair from his forehead. “With me and three kids, it isn’t gonna be quiet around here for too much longer. We’ll make a point of being noisy for your sake, sweetheart.”

“Sweetheart?” Sasuke echoed, sticking out his tongue in a comically ill frown. “We’ve moved to pet names now?”

“In most relationships, the pet names come before the babies, but we’re not exactly normal, I guess. Still, dobe could be considered a pet name. You say it often enough, and with various degrees of love and loathing in your tone.”

“You could do better than sweetheart,” he said. “It’s so…mushy.”

“Have you got a better one, dearest?” Naruto asked playfully.

“Sasuke is good enough.”

“Hmmm…Sasuke, my darling tummy-bunny?”

“You’re sleeping on the couch.”

“But my sweet snuggle-slut, it’ll be so lonesome in that big bed all by yourself…”

“On the couch for a month,” Sasuke clarified, scowling and blushing at the same time. “Another sappy, slightly-derogatory comment about my belly---which you filled with babies, thank you very much---and you won’t get into my bed until I’m done being pregnant.”

“Sasuke, don’t be pissed,” Naruto said entreatingly, patting down his cowlicky hair. “You know I’m just screwing around. Look. I just…want to hold you for a little while, okay? I have to leave in a week and a half, and I want some nice things to reflect on before the hag ships me out to another nation.”

“You’re going to go back on active duty?” Sasuke asked, looking up at him with weary dark eyes.

“I haven’t got much choice in the matter. Tsunade-hag already has an A-level lined up that’ll keep me for two---“

“A-level?” Sasuke demanded, sure that his voice sounded a little pained. “But you just got back---you haven’t trained solidly for a month---you can’t---not an A-level, at least!“

Naruto sighed, kissing the dead tattoo of his curse seal. “Don’t worry, Sasuke,” he said, resting his cheek on the curve of his neck. “I’ll come back. I’ve got you and the kits to fight for---more than enough incentive for a guy to keep himself safe. I’m not going to die on you or anything. Even if I did almost die, Kyuubi’d get so pissed off that he’d burn my chakra systems to all holy hell in order to keep me alive for our kits. He won’t let me leave you be---nice, in a crotchety and quite nearly evil way.”

“You’re a shinobi,” Sasuke said quietly, but there was a hint of anger in his voice, laced with simple frustration. “That’s an idiot’s promise.”

“I am an idiot,” he agreed. “But I’m also an idiot that’s very hard to kill.”

Sasuke settled his hands over Naruto’s, pressing them in so he’d feel the outlines of the little bodies cradled by his hips.

“Three babies, dobe,” Sasuke whispered, his voice breaking slightly. “You remember that when you’re on that mission.”

“I couldn’t forget it if I wanted,” the kyuubi-boy said, closing his eyes so that he could see the three soft bulges of chakra blossoming beneath Sasuke’s stretched skin in his mind’s eye. “You four are on my mind constantly.”

“Oi,” Sasuke growled. “Don’t let it distract you from your mission. Just…just remember that you’ve got a pregnant mate at home.”

“An’ three beautiful kits on the way,” Naruto murmured, giving his belly an affectionate pat. “I love you, Sasuke. You’re my favorite chubby ice princess.”

“Moron,” the Uchiha muttered. “You’re such a woman.”

“One of us has to be,” the kyuubi-boy said, gathering him to his chest in a sprawled embrace. Sasuke sighed, drawing him down on the futon so that they laid next to each other, half-entwined. Naruto began his husky fox-purr---a sure sign that the Kyuubi was happy inside and the boy was happy on the outside---and Sasuke found himself slowly slipping down into the warm depths of slumber, held in place by the ever-gentle hands of his new mate. Even so, Naruto was gone before Sasuke woke up the next morning. Keeping this a secret was something he’d have to get used to.

Sasuke should have realized that a secret in a city full of ninja is an oxymoron.