Pining

Kirai But Kakashi can take care of himself ^_^
BrucesGirl I like to keep things somewhat realistic and dwell on emotions, I'm glad you like it. Maybe I stop sending you email every time I update and send you one if for some reason I don't.
Anise I should write something happy and sweet instead, maybe after I get this whole thing finished... ^.^

Edited by Demosthenes.

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It was dark outside. Iruka rose from his bed. He had applied more lotion to his wounds which healed fast. The cuts on his lip and rear had closed and the black eye had turned first into purple and then into greenish brown. The swelling was mostly gone. Iruka knew his apartment well enough to move around in darkness. He came to his living room. Kakashi was sleeping on the couch. Iruka felt weird. He went around the couch. The blanket was low, showing Kakashi's bare chest. It was pale and muscular, covered with myriad scars.

Iruka's hand petted his own chest through the caps between buttons. His fingers reached further to his nipple. A button sneaked out from its hole, making more room for Iruka's hand. The skin under the pajama shirt was wonderfully responsive. Slowly Iruka opened the rest of the buttons and let the shirt drop to the floor. His fingers explored his chest and stomach making blood rush to his groin. Iruka knelt down. He leaned close to the sleeping jounin and breathed in his scent. He lowered his head and pushed his lips against Kakashi's collarbone. His hands felt the taut chest muscles. Iruka's lips parted, his tongue slid out to taste the older man.

"Please, stop this Iruka." Kakashi's voice was gentle but firm.

Iruka's hands wandered lower. His lips nibbled the skin. Kakashi's hands seized Iruka's shoulders and he pushed the chuunin softly away.

"You don't want this Iruka. Go back to sleep."

"I do." Iruka tried to lean forward again but Kakashi's hands were still there to stop him.

"Why? You don't find me attractive, is that it?" Iruka argued.

"No. You are very attractive, but this isn't you Iruka."

"How do you know? You don't know me at all! I'm here, right now, so fuck me!" his voice came out in frantic bursts.

"I won't. Just calm down and go to your bed."

"Just fuck me! Now!" Iruka yelled and tried to pull his pajama pants down.

"No, Iruka, I won't. This isn't right."

"But it's what you want, isn't it?" Iruka's voice was loosing its edge, his hands came to halt. He was starting to sob.

"No, Iruka. I don't want this." Kakashi said calmingly.

He pulled the chuunin into his arms and hugged him. Protectively and lovingly, like a father hugging his son who had just hurt his leg. Iruka sobbed but didn't try anything more. Kakashi held him tight, calming, petting his back. Telling him everything was fine. Telling him he was safe. After a long while Kakashi lifted Iruka and carried him back to his bed. Iruka didn't want to let go of him.

"Stay. Sleep here with me." Iruka pleaded.

"I don't think it's a good idea." Kakashi answered.

"Don't go. Don't leave me alone." Iruka continued.

Kakashi looked into Iruka's tearful brown eyes and sighed.

"I'll stay here until you fall asleep, okay?"

Iruka nodded. He wanted to feel the closeness of the jounin. He didn't want him to leave him alone with those terrible dreams. His body was healing a lot faster than his mind. He still couldn't accept what had happened. He had trusted Itachi. He had let him into his heart. And where had it brought him? I shouldn't have... I should have known something bad would happen. Kakashi sat on Iruka's bed quietly, petting his legs, calming him into sleep.

Iruka woke up refreshed. He felt more energetic than he had in days. He had slept the rest of the night soundly without disturbing dreams. A scent of freshly brewed coffee and cooking rice floated from the kitchen. Iruka reached the lotion from his bedside table. He applied it to his eyelid and lip. His rear didn't hurt anymore but it was still better to use the lotion in there as well. Iruka was just about to rise up when Kakashi came in with the breakfast tray.

"Good morning Iruka-san," Kakashi smiled. "You look much better."

"Oh, good morning and thank you, I feel much better."

"It's only rice and tamagoyaki this morning. You didn't have any natto or miso-paste."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I'm not used to cooking so I don't have the proper ingredients." Iruka smiled nervously.

"It's alright. I believe this is still good." said Kakashi apologetically as though he thought that he had somehow offended Iruka by the remark.

Iruka took the tray on his lap. There was only one set of breakfast on it.

"Aren't you going to eat?"

"I ate already."

"Oh." Iruka hadn't expected this.

He took first bite of tamagoyaki, it wasn't as good as the one Kakashi had brought him yesterday, but it was still good. Iruka sipped his coffee. The hot liquid warmed him, caffeine was absorbed into his blood stream, refreshing him, bracing him for the day. Iruka ate with good appetite and soon the bowls were empty. Kakashi took the tray and vanished into the kitchen.

The memory of last night stirred in Iruka's mind. Oh shit. Did I really go to the living room and say those things? No, I couldn't have. It must've been dream. The flashes of him kissing Kakashi's collarbone, offering himself, demanding Kakashi to take him scurried across his mind's eye. It all feels so real... Kakashi hugging him warmly. But if it were true, surely Kakashi would have said something. Or at least he would've acted differently this morning.

Iruka rose up. He stretched his limbs and to his surprise he wasn't hurting anymore, anywhere. He walked to the bathroom, took his toothbrush and drew a deep breath. For the first time since Thursday he lifted his gaze and looked into the mirror. The black eye was mostly gone and there was only a small discoloring on his lip. I have to thank Kakashi properly for the lotion. Without it I would still look like I had been hit by a truck. If I keep applying it, my face will look as it should by tomorrow. And I can go to work!

After brushing his teeth and washing his face Iruka went to the kitchen. Kakashi had finished doing dishes and was wiping the side-tables. Iruka sat around the kitchen table and waited for Kakashi to finish what he was doing.

"I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me." Iruka said.

"Hn. It's nothing." Kakashi grinned and waved his hand.

"No, really, without the lotion I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow. I'm truly grateful... for everything."

Iruka looked at the table and decided to test his memory.

"And I'm really sorry for last night." he said nervously.

"It's alright. Don't worry about it."

So it wasn't a dream. Iruka blushed with embarrassment. He had really yelled and told Kakashi to fuck him.

"No, really, you don't have to worry about it. It's quite a normal reaction." Kakashi tried to calm him.

A common reaction? Could it be...

"So you've seen this before? I mean..." Iruka asked.

"Yeah. It has happened before. Sometimes in long missions some men just can't handle the pressure and violence." Kakashi sounded tired.

Kakashi sat down and they stayed quiet for a while. Then Iruka decided it was a good time to ask something which had been bothering him.

"How did you know?"

Kakashi lifted his gaze. His blue eye looked deep into Iruka's brown ones. Then he turned his eye away.

"I suspected that there was something going on between you and Uchiha Itachi." Kakashi paused. "I know Itachi, or should I say I know about Itachi, from ANBU," he held another pause before continuing. "And then I saw you that day, in the park. When you passed out I had to open your shirt to hear your heart and check your breathing... I thought your fainting had something to do with Itachi. Then you didn't come to work last Friday and I suspected... well, this."

"I see." Iruka sighed.

"Maybe I should've warned you, or something, but I thought you wouldn't want to listen." Kakashi continued.

"You're probably right." Iruka wouldn't have listened, or believed.

He wanted so much to have someone in his life and Itachi had been that someone. They were never close and they didn't have an actual relationship, but it was something. And the sex was good, oh yes. Iruka had been more satisfied than he had ever dreamed to be.

"But why did you come? What is in this for you?" Iruka blurted.

Kakashi looked contemplative. It took long before he answered.

"Maybe it was guilt. I might have been able to prevent it, but I did nothing."

It wasn't the answer Iruka was waiting for, or hoping for. Iruka was left with a feeling Kakashi wasn't telling him everything.

"But it wasn't your fault. If anyone's, it's my fault!" Iruka interjected.

Kakashi looked at Iruka questioningly.

"I mean... He's so young I should've known. I shouldn't have let things get that far. I shouldn't have let anything happen between us in the first place." It was obvious how much Iruka blamed himself.

"He may be young in years, but he's a Shinobi, and ANBU. He is fully responsible for what he did." Kakashi was emphatic.

"Yeah, I know. But still, I had no right to... I took advantage on a school boy's crush." Iruka blanched at the truth of his own words.

"No. Iruka, you have to listen to me. Itachi is no school boy. He is cold and manipulative. He knew exactly what he did. You did nothing wrong."

"Yes I did. I am a teacher, I used to be his teacher. And what you are saying isn't like Itachi at all."

"But it is. It is the true Itachi. He's a predator, a beast." Kakashi was coming overwrought.

"No, he's not! He's just a boy! A troubled young man."

Kakashi drew a deep, calming breath before continuing.

"Iruka, you don't know him. You don't know what he is capable of. How else do you think he got into ANBU at such young age?"

"Maybe that's the problem right there. He is too young to be in ANBU. He's too young to take on S-rank missions. Our society puts too much pressure on the gifted and treat them like they were adults, but they're not. It's not right. And what I did was wrong."

"Do you really think you're the first man he's been with?"

The words slashed at Iruka. Itachi had been the first man he had ever been with and he hadn't given it much of a thought. Now that he thought about it Itachi had definitely been with other men. He had known just what to do and how to do it.

"I don't... That's not the point." Iruka was deflated.

"I'm sorry Iruka." Kakashi turned his gaze away.

"Yeah, me too." Iruka sighed.

He felt suddenly very old and tired, he didn't want to fight with Kakashi. Kakashi's words had opened deep wounds inside Iruka. Wounds he didn't know he had. Wounds the lotion couldn't heal. The perfidy Kakashi had accused Itachi of just didn't fit the Itachi he knew. But who was the Itachi he knew? The patient and warm young man who had slept so many nights beside Iruka. Lovingly kissing his neck, breathing into his ear. The sorrow crept into Iruka's eyes, shading them with the past.

He can't be right. He just can't! Iruka thought unable to accept what Kakashi had just said. Still he couldn't brush away what had happened. Itachi had raped him. Raped. the word had a distant, eerie ring. It was so faraway from the life Iruka had led. It was raw and brutal, so violating it couldn't fit in Iruka's life. Rape.

"I have to go." Kakashi said with a reassuring smile.

Iruka looked up at the jounin. Their conversation had spoiled the warm atmosphere and Iruka didn't feel too comfortable. Still, he didn't want to be left alone in an apartment that felt so empty.

"Don't. I don't want to be alone." Iruka's voice wasn't much more than a whisper.

"I have to. And you have to learn to be alone again. I'll come by tomorrow." Kakashi smiled.

Soon Iruka could hear the door close. Silence swallowed the apartment. Iruka sat still around the table. The walls were coming closer and closer. The apartment shrank. Iruka stood up. He opened all the windows and breathed. Had he driven Kakashi away by insisting Itachi wasn't a monster? He paced around his living room. The sheets and pillow were in a neat pile at one end of the couch which was still covered with traces of his humiliation. Without thinking Iruka sank down on the couch, burying his face on the sheets. They had the scent of Kakashi.

Tears rose to Iruka's eyes. Deep inside he knew Kakashi was right. But how could he have been so nice to me... so gentle at first? His 'thing' with Itachi had been wrong since the very beginning. Not only because Itachi was so young, but because what they had was never real. The doubts Iruka had, the way their 'thing' began, it was all wrong. He had never known Itachi and Itachi didn't want to know him. Still it hurt. Kakashi's words. 'You have to learn to be alone again.'