I am the one you hate?

This chapter is done by the wonderful atenademon Please give her the praise she deserves for this wonderful one-shot!

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I stay hidden behind a car. It rains and I’m cold. My soul is already frozen and so is my heart. I feel how the wet clothes are sticking to my tired and exhausted body. My blonde hair which is covered by the hood of my jacket is also wet and spreads pathetically its long locks over my shoulders.

I have the impression that I’m pathetic too. Pathetic because I stay hidden behind this car, stalking him and waiting for him to come down from his apartment and see me. I bet he is curious how I found out that he returned from his trip. Not even I know how I did, it was purely coincidence, but I did so I came back to the place where he lives, where I used to visit him everyday and sometimes at night when he would call me, asking for my presence.

Do I still need to tell that after all these months, even if I promised myself that I would let it go, the scar wound opened? Do I still have to mention that now a crater had been formed in my soul? If only he could fill it…

If only he could see me the way I see him and that only if… he didn’t forget about me like I didn’t, or better said how I couldn’t forget about him. All these years since childhood I cared enormous about him even if he had his own life, leaving me behind in the shadows.

The curse of love, the sweet one... I love but I don’t have what it takes to admit it how intensely it is, how passionate or how lustful may it be.

I’m afraid, but this fear comes from the intensity of my feelings? Am I afraid not to be swallowed by the sea of feelings, of unspoken desires and unshared ones?

How can I say that? I already have been swallowed by that sea, I even drowned myself in it and no matter how much I try I won’t be able to get out of it.

I have been already in the heaven of love but I visited the hell of desperation. When he wasn’t near me, desperation always took over and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, to calm myself.

I lived in that desperation because of him No, I don’t blame him for that, in fact I blame myself for my cowardice not being able to say what I was thinking... feeling.

I lived and I still do live a love which costs me everything even if I regret that it hasn’t been an ephemeral love from the beginning.

The truth is that a misery called impossible love struck me, and I didn’t have a choice. All I could do was to burn, to love and to hope that I would survive this plague, thinking that at one moment I would be able to regain my senses and control of the heart. But deep inside me I knew that this wasn’t possible.

And I still hate myself for this, for my incapability of saying what I feel. All I could do was to watch him grow up with me, going to school, passing grades, the things that a usual kid would do. I always have been there when he smiled, when he laughed and when he was happy. Nothing made me happy more than seeing him happy. His smile was my happiness, my strength and my will. That’s why I stood with him even if he pushed me away.

He lost his parents in a car crash, but in the same time he lost even his smile. He became cold, pushing people away from him, they gave upon him but I didn’t, I remained beside him, with him. The smile never showed up and I clanged up to him to see that smile again, to feel that happiness vibrating inside him.

In the end all I could do was to be his shoulder to cry. I still remember those long tired nights when he would call me asking me to come visit him because he couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep back then too, I always consumed my last piece of energy by staying up late thinking if he was fine.

Every time I was with him, my heart skipped beats and the need to tell him my feelings didn’t give me peace at all. But yet, the cowardice and the fear of being rejected were there too so I stood silently with him in his bed with his head rested on my shoulder and listening to his cries and to his regrets.

In a way, people became curious of why was I staying with him up so late or why from all the persons in the world, he accepted me to be his closest friend. There were some arguments about us being something different, something unacceptable for the world. He didn’t understand but I knew what they were thinking because I was the one who listened to their threats, to their complaints that I would ruin the great future which would lie ahead of him. I was still a kid and I couldn’t understand even myself what were those feelings. But they made me understand by making those assumptions about me as being a monster and by threatening me with death.

I could only accept their plans because of fear. But I accepted with my mind, my heart didn’t even listen to that promise, it didn’t even care about what were they thinking.

Years passed and he matured even more, he wouldn’t cry, he would just take care of his job, work and plans for the future. I watched him from the shadows, always trying to hold back my emotions around him, still thinking about the promise. I watched how he would spend his time with women. At least the others wouldn’t threat me anymore that I ruined him. I always thought secretly and believed that he was only mine but when I was seeing him with a woman, my opposite, my heart would hurt and I would scold myself, I would demand myself to let it go, for myself but for him too. But I couldn’t, all of this made the impossible love grow more.

My heart would hurt even more seeing him devastated when he would break up with a woman. His smile would disappear for a while but mine wouldn’t, because that meant I still had a chance to tell him the truth. Now that he didn’t belong to anybody I could tell him and make him belong to me. Thinking at this I could only realize how selfish I could be and how foolish I could be. I was thinking more about my happiness than about his. This meant that I would admit out loud what I was, I would mention that I belonged to a different ‘race’ of human. I would admit that I was attracted to men, the same gender as mine. And this- I couldn’t do it, not only for me but for him too. I just couldn’t stain his image by saying that his best male friend loved him. So I failed again for the uncountable time of my life.

I was happy for him that he moved on and that I still got a chance to see his smile, even if his smile belonged to another woman this time. But as he grew in my eyes, he grew more inside my heart and the desperation of telling him what I wanted since childhood to tell grew also. Every time I saw him I tried to start my first sentence of my long-time confession but I couldn’t end it very well, it took me too much time and too much energy just to say three little words. But more because I was still afraid of those threats.

I always thought of him as a perfect person who I had to manage carefully with, afraid that he would get broken or ruined. Saying those things would definitely ruin him- this, I just couldn’t allow. So I always let him laugh at my red face and at my stuttering saying that I should really get a girl or I would be considered one. And of course all I could do was to laugh at his joke and hear his name being called by his woman asking for his attention, attention which he would gladly give. An attention which I will never receive from him. A one of love.

One year ago, he came to me and told me about a business trip and that he had to go. Back then, he told me that this trip would last over a year or more and probably he wouldn’t return too soon. My heart broke then, I could only watch his face contortioned with sadness and regret that he had to leave his home, woman and friends behind. It was unbearable, life without him would mean death to me. I tried again to tell him but I failed as he told me that he had to leave or he would lose the plane.

I could only nod and wish him good trip and good luck with his work outside our country. Before he left through the door of my apartment he sent me one more last look and I saw something in his eyes, something indescribable for me. I think I saw pain as the one which he went through when his parents died. I couldn’t say or do anything because of my fear of ruining the both of us so he disappeared from my view and from my life without receiving another word from me.

From my life but not from my heart.

And when I thought that nothing would make me the same, he entered again in my life.

I waited two hours for him to show up. It is raining hard, lightnings cover the whole sky, distant loud thunders can be heard from time to time and I stay hidden behind this car just waiting for him, the love of my life. I can even be taken as a car thief because I didn’t move from my spot for quite some time. Why am I hiding? I’m hiding because I’m not sure how he will react. My hands start to shake uncontrollably. I stare at them carefully and I notice that they are cold and red.

Then, he shows up. He is more handsome than the last time I saw him. The same heavy walk, shoulders a little leaned forward, face serious, nothing changed here.

I watch how he comes straight at me, I can see him through the window of the car after which I stay hidden. Did he see me?

My heart rises up to my throat in excitement, I feel the need to hug him, to yell what I feel, to yell out loud that I love him. For the first time in many years, I feel courage, something very strange for me to feel, but in the same time, this courage gives me a deep feeling of strength and ability to do anything- even telling him what was lying in my heart.

He seems surprised but nevertheless he smiles at me in the same way he always did. The smile of my life, the smile which would make me happy anytime

I almost cry in joy but the rain hides my tears. I watch how he raises the hand and how he closes his umbrella. The same old blue umbrella which he burrowed from me a long time ago. But my heart explodes and I can only let out a gasp as my eyes fell on the golden circle around his ring finger. He belongs to someone else now, the wedding ring tells me this. Every thing collapses, the strength, the courage from a few minutes ago disappear as if they have never existed before. Only fear, regret and remorse are there, like they always were, keeping me weak and at their command. Keeping me away from being my true self, away from my true existence.

I can’t say anything and he approaches me. With each step he makes I feel heartbroken. I feel devastated and betrayed.

Seeing his confused face, I smile and I lean my head down. I feel his scent, the same smell from back then. I cried after him and I still will cry after him. I loved him and I will still love him. I will never love someone the way I love him. I still dream about him, the boy with raven hair and cold eyes. My whole existence and life is tied up by his name. How can I break the chain which stops me from living? How can I break the shackles which hurt my soul? How can I set myself free, to love again?

I raise my gaze and look at him and at his smile. Maybe he doesn’t see me the way I want him to see me. I feel how my heart yells frozen and terrified by his beauty. He doesn’t see me. Me, the only one who loved him and will love him for the rest of his life. Me, the only boy who saw his tears and who shared his loneliness.

But it’s my fault that he doesn’t see me. I chose to listen to the threats, to my mind instead of my heart, of my soul which kept yelling his name. I chose to be like the others wanted me to be even if they weren’t sure of what I was. They couldn’t understand that I had a life, that I was still a human being. But I listened to them, and that only brought sadness and grief to my life. Fortunately, I managed to survive, he was with me and that kept me alive, he would just exist and that would be enough for my reason to live.

I cry but I still can’t take my eyes off of his face, off of his smile. God bless the rain drops which camouflage my emotions or else he would have noticed me. Why am I crying? Even the rain betrayed me. I haven’t cried in a very long time but yet, the rain made me feel the salty taste of sorrowful tears of the sad past.

I open my mouth, my lips slowly trembling and I want to say finally the reason of my visit here. I will tell him what I needed to tell him. But I stop, I can’t continue, memories from a distant past keep ravishing my mind along with his beautiful smile of happiness and I can’t think straight. I can’t put my words correctly.

“C-Congratulations.” That’s all what I can say.

--I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.--