Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: February 16th 2006, Thursday
second version: July 11th 2008, Friday

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When I thought about how I wanted this story to be, before I started writing, I wanted a more grown-up and clever Naruto; one that would outsmart and seduce the bratty Sasuke by being more levelheaded and stable. It didn’t quite turn out that way though, but I’m happy it didn’t. Naruto wouldn’t really be Naruto if he was all stable and grown-up and he can seduce Sasuke just being who he is.

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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09: Guest badges

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Sometimes Kakashi did things that made Sasuke wish he’d rot in a dumpster. Like the time he’d picked a random CD from Sasuke’s collection and tossed it out the window as punishment for... whatever it had been; Sasuke had been too busy mourning the rarity he’d spent months chasing down to remember. Kakashi had been remorseful that time; had not meant to grab something that special, he’d said.

The move from the city to here had been another such thing, though Kakashi seemed to show no true remorse for that. The only thing he was sorry about was Sasuke not thinking it was the bestest idea in the world.

It wasn’t very often Kakashi did such horrible things however, or Sasuke would have asked for a new foster father years ago. It had certainly never happened before that Kakashi did a thing like that while Sasuke was still recovering from another such thing he had done. So it was surprise, as much as horror, that had Sasuke staring for a long time at the thing that had been pinned to the front door before removing it, with shaking hands.

It was a photograph of the rarest, most valuable piece of his music collection. A collector’s edition that Sasuke had paid so much money for it was insane and still been very lucky to get. You couldn’t find it anymore. Sasuke had contacts that had very good contacts in the music business but even they wouldn’t be able to find another one. On the photograph, below the CD, had been written ‘Weekend mission: Sleepover at Iruka’s house. Behave. Failure means... death.’ The door to the house had been locked probably for the first time since they moved in.

Sasuke was shaking with so much anger he didn’t know what to do with himself.

In a way though he was grateful; not because Kakashi was threatening his most valued possession, but because he had given Sasuke a reason to be angry again. As the days since the move had passed Sasuke had been starting to feel... not happy, certainly, but... less furious; less angry, less... less bothered by his surroundings. And he didn’t like it. He was betraying his home, his friends, his decision to hate this place so much it disappeared, or so it felt like. He had even unpacked his music.

Sasuke tore the photograph away, snarled a ‘fuck!’ and kicked the door so the kitchen windows rattled.

It was Friday afternoon and Sasuke had left the bus eternally grateful that the ‘bye bye, Sasuke-bastard! See you on Monday!’ yell was the last thing he’d hear from the annoying retard blond for two days. He had been in desperate need of that break.

It seemed nothing worked on that guy! Asking him semi-nicely to go away didn’t work, neither did asking him not nicely at all. Ignoring him didn’t work, insulting him didn’t work, beating him up didn’t work. Avoiding him entirely by skipping school would have worked if it hadn’t been for Kakashi. Naruto had to be the most stubborn and idiotic guy Sasuke had ever come across.

The last two days Sasuke had gone back to ignoring him, as that had seemed to be what annoyed the idiot the most and gave Sasuke the least trouble. At first he had thought it worked, Naruto having been slightly less annoying on Thursday and Friday morning. But after lunch on Friday the blond was back in full force, like he’d just taken a short break.

What made matters even more frustrating was that Sasuke hadn’t been very effective in his ignoring. More than once, without meaning to, he had found himself turning to the blond and snarling something in response to whatever Naruto had said (or yelled, that guy rarely used normal speech volume).

The frustrating part about it was that it wasn’t just random insults to get Naruto to walk away, like it had been before; these days it was... it was replies; mostly insulting replies, sure, but then Naruto yelled something back and Sasuke found himself replying to that too. It felt too much like a conversation, or an argument, or a social exchange of words and insults, and Sasuke didn’t want any of those things with a frustrating blond retard. At least he shouldn’t want them. Of course he didn’t want them!

Sasuke just really needed to sort himself out. The weekend had been a perfect opportunity. No school, no retard. Kakashi couldn’t stop Sasuke from staying home on the weekend. Or so Sasuke had thought. What the hell did the man want anyway? Why was it suddenly so damn important that Sasuke was involved in Kakashi’s flirting? Shouldn’t Kakashi be the one having sleepovers? Why couldn’t he just do the damned man and be done with it?

Iruka chose that moment to show up.

“Ah, Sasuke-kun?”

Sasuke spun around and found Kakashi’s latest flirt standing on the road in front of the house. There was a hesitant smile on his face and he looked nervous; as if Sasuke was a rabid dog that had to be approached with care or he’d bite your arms off. Too bad Iruka’s offspring didn’t share the same vision.

“What?”

“Did... did you get Kakashi-san’s note? I know you and Naruto haven’t been... getting along that well, but... but of course you are welcome stay with us.”

“I got his note,” Sasuke said, struggling to not snarl, and stuffed the photograph message in a pocket. “Did he tell you where he was going?”

He was genuinely curious about what story the bastard had cooked up.

“The seminar?” A veil of frustration, but not at all aimed at Sasuke, fluttered over Iruka's face, the hesitating smile stumbling. “Two days, ends Saturday evening. He didn't tell you?”

“Oh, the seminar,” Sasuke gritted his teeth. “I forgot.”

“Oh. Well...” Iruka looked a bit lost for a moment, cleared his throat. “As I said, you can stay with us, but... But I don't want any fighting, between you and Naruto. I don't want anyone to get hurt.”

The man really tried but utterly failed to look stern. The inner struggle was clear; the parent part of him said ‘no fighting!’ and the host part of him said ‘be nice to guests or die!’ It would have been hilarious if Sasuke had been having a better day. If someone had told Sasuke that Kakashi’s new flirt had a fierce side to him that he actually allowed himself to show, he wouldn’t have believed it. The whole overly polite housewife vibe Iruka gave off with home made buns and table cloths made it seem impossible. A fierce side that he had completely suppressed, maybe, but not one that he showed.

Sasuke had seen it for himself however, during the pathetic talks that had followed him and Naruto beating each other up in school. And before and after the talks, even though Iruka had tried to hide it behind forced politeness then. He had heard of it too, when Naruto muttered ‘you got me so grounded’ during one of their not-actually-a-conversation-but-close-enough-that-it-bothers-me exchanging of words. Naruto had apparently gotten into a world of trouble because of the fighting. Sasuke was pleased.

The host part of Iruka seemed to be stronger than the parent part at the moment though.

“But come,” he cleared his throat and said, smiling; trying to smooth over the rudeness of assuming that his guest might cause trouble. “We’re working on dinner. I usually get home early on Fridays so Naruto and I like to make something special together.”

Sasuke closed his eyes and shuddered as the thought of the retard and his caring foster father skipping around in the kitchen smiling and making a special dinner because it was a wonderful special day in a wonderful special world. He left the porch and followed Iruka, promising himself that Kakashi would pay for this.

It was a sunny afternoon, not overly hot but still definitely August. A bunch of kids played in the street in the sun, laughing, in no risk of getting run over by cars. One kid passed them on a bike at what was considered high speed when you were eight or nine years old. Sasuke noticed he sought their attention, ‘look how cool I am!’ His eyes glued on Sasuke’s as he pedaled frantically. So eight year old. He reminded Sasuke of Naruto.

Naruto was going to love this though, wasn’t he? This afternoon and evening and the whole day tomorrow; with no classes to escape to and other students to bother them. And Sasuke had to behave. He had a headache already, but Naruto was going to love it. Sasuke had no idea why the guy was so hung up on making friends with him. In the beginning he could have understood that Naruto wanted to be nice and stuff; they were neighbors, Naruto seemed the type to hang out with people and he had known nothing about Sasuke. But that he still kept at it after all the insults and the fighting, that was a mystery. A normal person would have given up. Who wanted to be friends with someone who treated you like crap? Apparently Naruto did.

He had grown slightly less naively cheerful over time, with insults and punches, which told Sasuke he wasn’t deaf or stupid enough that he didn’t understand that he was being insulted. Naruto glared at Sasuke more often than his blue eyes sparkled with happiness, and since their fights he added a ‘bastard’ to Sasuke’s name. But he had grown no less insistent. It was like he did it just on principle, because he had decided and then he damned well was gonna do it.

Afternoon, evening and one whole day. Kakashi would so pay.

Sasuke was surprised to find that he recognized the smell inside the house as the front door opened. Not just the food, though there was a foody smell there too, but the very smell of the house. It was a fresh smell with a hint of cozy to it that instantly reminded Sasuke of Naruto. Naruto’s clothes smelled like this.

Iruka smiled and said ‘come in’, held open the door while Sasuke stepped over the threshold.

“We’re back!” the man called.

“Okay!” a voice Sasuke recognized called back from where he remembered was the kitchen. Naruto sounded like he had been told he had a second birthday and it was today. Sasuke’s stomach curled. He hadn’t thought he’d be in this house again.

He peeled off his sneakers with his toes and shoved them together with other shoes, under a rack of colorful jackets and coats. The headphones were lifted from their place around his neck and put together with the CD player in his bag; the bag was dropped on the floor next to a big vase that looked like it was made from solid concrete and could be used as a roadblock.

“Would you like to help out with dinner?” Iruka asked, showing the way to the kitchen as if it was the first time Sasuke was here.

“Sure,” Sasuke muttered, behaving.

Naruto stood by the sink in a bright yellow apron over a bright blue t-shirt. He looked at Sasuke and grinned like they were best friends, a potato in one hand and a peeler in the other.

“Hey, Sasuke-bastard!” he yelled with way too much happiness for ‘bastard’. The second after he caught himself and looked nervously in Iruka’s direction. “Err... um, I mean, Sasuke.”

The potato dropped into the sink with a ‘plop’ that said it had fallen into water. Naruto smiled again, nervousness still clinging to his features, and waved. While he couldn’t explain why (but it was certainly not because of Iruka) Sasuke felt a surge of nervousness himself. He shrugged it off and narrowed his eyes in reply to Naruto’s wave, not confusing ‘behave’ with ‘personality change’. Naruto looked surprised and appalled for half a second, then got over it and narrowed his eyes too.

“Hey, he can help me with this!” he yelled to Iruka.

Iruka was tying a knot behind his back to keep his apron in place, a purple one with what looked like orange fish. He frowned. There was something in his eyes that said they had had a talk before he went to pick up Sasuke.

“He can do the salad.” It was in his voice too. Sasuke wasn’t the only one supposed to behave.

“I can do the salad,” Sasuke said and gave the blond a look.

Naruto’s mouth curled together in frustration and he snatched a new potato from the sink so fast the water splashed on the floor.

“I’ll help you when I’m done here.”

“Don’t cut yourself,” Iruka said.

“I’m not gonna cut myself!” Naruto whined. Then he yelped as the potato he was working on slipped through his hands. It made a nice arc in the air before it dropped on the floor and slid under the table. Naruto dove after it and almost knocked down Iruka that was carrying a bowl with a bowl of vegetables in it and a knife toward Sasuke.

“Naruto! Calm down.”

“They’re just slippery,” Naruto was still whining, under the table now reaching for the potato. Sasuke couldn’t help but snicker, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. Not quite like his horror vision of the perfect family with the special Friday together moment.

Iruka switched back to his host face again, gave Sasuke an apologetic look as he stepped around Naruto’s legs and put the salad gear on the table.

“Don’t mind him, he’s... He’s just excited.”

Naruto chose that moment to scramble out from under the table with a ‘ha!’ and held the wayward potato high in the air. He gave Sasuke a look of triumph and ‘take that!’ before hurrying back to the sink.

“Are you sure he’s not twelve?” Sasuke asked.

Naruto exclaimed ‘hey!’, dropping the potato again but this time it plopped into the water. Iruka displayed another struggle between host and parent, between an amused ‘not entirely’ and ‘don’t tease him’. The host won again, mostly.

There was a vase with sunflowers on one counter and Sasuke was certain he’d had seen the same flowers wrapped up on a counter in their own kitchen yesterday. The strawberry tablecloth was still there. The sun was on the table too, one slice of light. It cut over Sasuke’s arms and made them warmer as he worked the knife through the vegetables.

He had planned to take his time with the salad, because Naruto was so clearly looking for a race, giving Sasuke looks from the sink, the peeler hurrying over the potatoes. Sasuke was not twelve years old and he refused to act like it. But there was something in those blue eyes that made the knife speed up slightly with each vegetable. Not to the point of it really turning into a race, but... enough that Naruto wasn’t ignored. It reminded Sasuke of the almost conversations and part of him wanted to stop but he didn’t.

Sasuke wondered where his anger had gone. Naruto threw down his last potato with a splash and yelled ‘done!’

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“So, Sasuke-kun... Naruto tells me you’re good at sports,” Iruka said in an attempt to do something about the mood that had settled over the kitchen table. Sasuke had expected it to show up much sooner, but at least it was here now. The forced atmosphere that came from trying to make things nice when they weren’t. It had been amusing at first, watching Iruka trying to glare Naruto into being nice while at the same time keeping up his host face.

Now it was just frustrating. Naruto was glaring at Sasuke over the table, Iruka having only managed to put a stop to his antics, not actually turned him nice. Iruka himself was smiling, acting like this was a dinner to stop a war between nations and he was the mediator. It was the pretending that got to Sasuke. Naruto pretending he wasn’t a twelve year old stuck in a fourteen year old body, Iruka pretending this was a pleasant meal, Sasuke himself pretending he wanted to be here. Stupid, damned Kakashi and his taking advantage of Sasuke’s weaknesses.

“Good enough to wipe the floor with him,” Sasuke said, glancing in Naruto’s direction. As expected, the blond tensed immediately.

“That was just...! I was...!” he sputtered, a blush rising to his cheeks, almost yelling until Iruka’s glare lowered his voice to a hiss. “I got a bad team.”

Sasuke snorted.

“Or maybe your team got a bad member.”

“Now now,” Iruka held up his hands before Naruto could get out of his chair. For a few seconds it looked like his host face would fall apart, then he gathered himself, turned again to Sasuke with a forced smile. “Are you interested in anything special? Soccer? Basketball? Were you on any teams in the city?”

“No,” Sasuke said, feeling his mood plummet at the mentioning of the city. He felt like a traitor, forgetting even for a second that this wasn’t home.

“Well, maybe you could join one here,” Iruka said. “If you want to.”

“I bet he sucks at Playstation,” Naruto muttered.

“Maybe you can play together when you’re not grounded anymore,” Iruka suggested, clearly saying it mostly for the ‘you’re still grounded’ and ‘watch it’ effect.

Then the conversation was over and the only sounds left to disturb the strained atmosphere were the clinking of forks and knives against plates. Iruka tried a couple more times to lighten things up by asking or sharing something that didn’t matter, but all the attempts ended pretty much the same, with insults and glares flying and Iruka’s host face cracking in a few more places.

The idea hit Sasuke after dinner, during dessert. Being mentally twelve, Naruto had practically inhaled his cake and ended up with cream pretty much everywhere. Sasuke had been staring, nose wrinkled in disgust, as Naruto licked where he could reach and used spoon and fingers where he couldn’t. For once Sasuke had not been the focus of the blond’s attention. Iruka must have been trying to keep himself together, or he would have been all over the thorough thrashing of table manners in an instant.

Suddenly and without warning, his eyes following the sweeps of the tongue, Sasuke just knew, a way to get rid of Naruto. Actually it was very logical. Sasuke had tried chasing the guy off with insults and violence, because that was what you did when you didn’t want to have someone around you and asking nicely didn’t work. Only it had had no effect at all on Naruto, possibly even the opposite effect.

If trying to get rid of someone by pushing them away had no effect or the opposite of what you wanted, logically, couldn’t trying to pull them even closer have the effect you wanted? Sasuke’s stomach took a spin around itself at just the thought of it, but what was a few seconds of suffering if it could put an end to the constant pestering.

Iruka finally took notice of Naruto, scolded him and swatted his hand away from his face. ‘We use tissue,’ the man growled. Naruto made a face and sighed. When Naruto’s face clean, Iruka took up the topic of sleeping arrangements. He apologized about the couch, saying it wasn’t very comfortable, but unfortunately they had no guest room.

Sasuke said that if they had a mattress he could sleep in Naruto’s room. Both Naruto and Iruka looked at him in surprise. For a moment there was only the clock and Sasuke’s spoon against the plate as he took a piece of his cake.

“It... it’s not that bad,” Iruka said hesitatingly, as if he was unsure he’d really heard what he thought he’d heard. Understandable. “I wouldn’t want you two to... I mean, you...”

His voice trailed off again and he just looked at Sasuke.

“Maybe we could talk,” Sasuke said, before putting the spoon in his mouth and sucking the cake off it.

More silence followed and Sasuke was starting to feel amused.

“I won’t hit him,” he said.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to suggest that you’d...!” Iruka hurried to say, naturally, but he did look suspicious. “But you’ve been... all afternoon you’ve... You want to talk?”

Iruka looked away from Sasuke to Naruto and asked ‘do you want to talk?’ Sasuke turned his eyes to the blond as well, and... a frown crept to his face when he saw the blush decorating Naruto’s cheeks and the slightly vacant look in his eyes, aimed at Sasuke.

Sasuke was struck with the sudden feeling that he was missing something. There was something very wrong with this idea, though it seemed to be both ingenious and the last option he had left if he wanted to get rid of the blond (aside from migrating to the city or putting Naruto in a long term coma).

A few hours later, Sasuke would feel like the stupidest retard on the planet, but at that time he just didn’t get it. He brushed the strange feeling away.

“Naruto?” Iruka said and the blond woke up with a start. Sasuke found himself starting out of something too, at the name, though he wasn’t sure what.

“I wanna talk,” Naruto blurted. “It’s time we made out... I mean ‘up’! It’s time we made up!”

The blush grew so bright it could stop traffic and Sasuke would feel like knocking his head against a wall a few hours later for not getting it.

“Well... We have a mattress,” Iruka said, though it seemed he wasn’t sure he was actually saying what he was saying. “If you’re really sure.”

The man then grew suddenly serious and looked at both Sasuke and Naruto, no host face this time.

“But no fighting. No yelling at each other in the middle of the night and no punching each other.”

Sasuke shrugged.

“We’ll be good.”

“Y-yeah,” Naruto stammered. “We’ll be good.”

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