Broke Straight Guys

Broke Straight Guys

Hello all. I hope you've been well.

Zimmrie Kanoah: I'll do my best to try and make you not sad. :)

Sneakyfox: They are cute together, aren't they?


0o0

Side Story: Twinks Like Blondes

0o0

The phone rang three times. Neither of them was in the mood to answer it. It was one of those do-nothing days. They supposed that with all this free time, they should do something that was mildly productive, but somehow they couldn't muster up the enthusiasm necessary. What was there to do anyway? The bills were paid, the schoolwork was done, and the apartment was clean… sort of. Dishes had piled up in the sink and the trash hadn't been taken out this week and there was stuff laying all over the floor, sure. One could say that it was clean for a bachelor pad. Besides, they could always get Gaara to clean it when he came over. Whenever he saw their apartment, he flipped out at how supposedly 'filthy' it was and went on a mad cleaning spree. He'd called them pigs on more than one occasion. Whatever.

Sprawled out on the couch, Sasuke strummed a note on his hot pink electric guitar, bored out of his brains. He'd gotten it online for $1.98, plus shipping and handling, though he'd ordered an onyx one. But that was part of the game, besides, it'd be too expensive to try to ship it back and get the right one. It was part of a new habit he'd picked up: online shopping. Getting deals had become his specialty practically overnight—though one could attribute his successes in this field to the shrewd training of his parents. The apartment was fast filling up with things they didn't really need: a top-of-the-line mountain bike, a rice steamer that they'd decided they were going to give to Gaara since they barely ate rice in the first place, and a sweet set of samurai swords that Gaara would likely confiscate so they wouldn't end up hurting themselves—provided that Tenten didn't talk Naruto into giving them to her first. There was also the giant stuffed grizzly bear that now took up a corner of their living room. It was the purchase they regretted the most because it was starting to really creep them out. Its maw was open in a perpetual snarl, glass eyes always on the apartment's residents with its arms raised in preparation to attack. They remedied it for the moment by putting a sheet over it until they could pass the thing off to some other idiot. Now it looked like they had a grizzly bear in a child's ghost costume. Avoiding the front room late at night became second-nature lest the restless spirit of the bear decided to posses its stuffed body and royally kick both of their asses.

The phone continued to ring.

"Don't rush to answer it, dickhead." Naruto, laying opposite of Sasuke, prodded his friend in the thigh with his toe.

Sasuke pushed the foot away and strummed another note on the guitar. Next he'd have to buy a playing manual so he could learn how to use the damn thing. Then he could trade up for a guitar that was slightly less pink and be excellent on that. "Why don't you answer it?"

"Too tired." Naruto chewed off a fingernail he found to be too long and spat it on the floor. "Let's order pizza."

"Let's make Gaara come over."

Naruto gave it a serious thought. "Nah, pizza sounds better. Besides, don't you ever feel bad about him basically being our maid?"

"No. Am I supposed to?" Hey, it wasn't like the guy was doing it against his will.

"You're such a jackass. Why are we friends again?"

"You'd be lost without me. You'd turn into a homeless bum who has to take showers in the fountain at the park and dance like a monkey to earn money so you could feed yourself. You would step on a rusty nail with your dirty bare feet and the wound would get infected and ooze pus everywhere and then gangrene would set in and your flesh would turn green and smell like shit as it rotted off your body. You would die in a gutter and not even the rats would eat your stinking corpse." Sasuke sat up and yanked hard on Naruto's ear to ensure he was listening. "That's why you're my friend, you moron. I keep you housed and safe."

"Oh, bullshit! We almost got evicted because of your dumb ass!"

"I would have asked my dad for the money. He would have given it to me."

"And if he hadn't?"

"I'd work up some tears and ask my mom instead. She can't resist me when I cry."

Naruto wasn't quite sure how he should react to that. "What are you, a fourteen year old girl? You actually do that?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

Perhaps he should seriously reconsider his choice of friends. "No, they don't."

"You've never done that? Freak."

It wasn't that he'd never done it, it was that he'd stopped doing that once he hit puberty like any other sane person would. "Your mom."

"Your face."

"Your mom's a face."

"Your face is a mom."

"Why do I feel like we're in junior high again?"

Still, the phone rang.

"Oh my god, why won't these people leave us alone?" Sasuke growled as he set down his guitar and went to answer the phone. He picked up the received and screamed, "What, dammit, what? Why do you keep calling?"

"Who is it?"

Sasuke ignored him, struggling to calm down. "Of course I'm angry, I told you to call my cell. Yes, it's off. I didn't want to be bothered today. No, you're not bothering me, it's just… Yeah, I guess. I'll see if he'll come. It probably won't work if it's just me."

"What won't work?"

"Yes, it's never going to happen. Ever. Like, until the end of time and a week after. I would kill myself if we did. Seriously. Bullet to the face."

Intrigue finally peaked, Naruto sat up and demanded, "Who the hell are you talking to?"

"Yeah, that's him. I'll ask now." Sasuke put his hand over the receiver. "The people who subscribe to Broke Straight Guys want me to cornhole you and we have to go explain why that can't and won't happen in a million years. You up for it?"

"It won't happen in a million years because if we did, you'd be the chick."

"Like hell."

"Admit it, you'd roll over and spread your cheeks the second I dropped my drawers."

"Sure, and I'll take it just like that transvestite you banged."

"What? Who told you about that?" Naruto's face was a furious red. "And she was not a transvestite, she was a beautiful lady!"

"Then you need to talk to Gaara, because he seems pretty damn sure that you slept with a tranny."

He and Gaara were going to have a nice long discussion about the difference between the things that should and should not be told to Sasuke. "He's just jealous of me 'cause he's gay and he couldn't sleep with her. She was that hot."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "The day someone is jealous of you is the day pigs fly. Yes or no on the video?"

"Sure, whatever."

"He said yes. We'll be there in twenty." Sasuke hung up. "Ready to go?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

I0I0I0I0I

"Is the camera on?"

"All systems are go. Start whenever you feel like it."

Sasuke tapped Naruto on the leg and signaled their start. "Hey, so… We've heard rumors that you guys want to see us together."

"It's not gonna happen." Naruto figured it would be best to get straight to the point. Keep things short and sweet.

"Wow, thanks for killing my intro, dickhead."

"You're welcome."

Sasuke gave his roommate a hard look before returning suavely to the camera. "It's not that the higher-ups don't listen to your suggestions, it's because this moron right here," He jabbed his thumb at Naruto. "is unfortunately my roommate slash best friend."

"Yeah, he's totally hot for me, but I'm like 'whoa, man, we can't do this'."

"Ignore anything he says."

"But seriously, we do live together. And I don't want any awkwardness between me and my favorite bitch-boy." He ruffled Sasuke's hair, laughing when his hand was slapped away.

"If we weren't on camera, I swear I'd—screw the camera."

He threw a punch at Naruto and they traded blows noiselessly for a couple of seconds before coming to an agreement to disagree.

"This is why we can't do it. Too much arguing already. No need to add fuel to the fire."

"For once, the idiot is right."

"Hey!"

"You couldn't pay me enough to sleep with him."

Naruto cocked an eyebrow at his friend. "Really? I'd do it for a million bucks. I mean, hey, that's a lot of money. I could always use a little of that."

Sasuke's head snapped towards Naruto in complete bewilderment. He did not just hear what he thought he heard. "What?"

"C'mon Sas, take one for the team! I'll buy you as much bourbon as you want so you don't have to be sober through it. I'm sure we could find some old rich dude who'd be willing to pay to watch us get it on." Naruto slung his arm around Sasuke's neck and gave him a magnificently devious grin. "Besides, it's not like I'd be banging a bear. You're pretty fine for a guy."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sasuke sputtered, turning red. What was Naruto smoking?

"You've got it going on, yanno? Not in a gay way, you just look really good. Your ass is about an eight on my scale. I wouldn't mind pounding it for a mil. No homo."

"No homo, right…" He shoved Naruto's arm off of him. "You do realize you're saying that you'd go gay for me for a million dollars, right?"

"No, I'm saying I'd do you for a million dollars. I wouldn't want to go gay for you because you're a total douche and you would always throw hissy fits whenever I wanted some ass."

"So who would you go gay for?" Sasuke wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know. But it could say something about Naruto as a person.

"If I had to?"

"Yeah. No celebrities, someone we know."

"Hmm…" Naruto scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I'd say Bee because he's cool and we get along pretty well, but I know where I'd be stuck in the bedroom. And since I like having my butthole intact, I'd have to go with Gaara."

That was moderately understandable. "I second that. He's basically a girl anyway."

"What were we talking about?"

"Why we can't sleep together."

"Oh yeah! So um, yeah. We don't like each other that way. That's pretty much it."

Like lightning, a eureka moment struck Sasuke. He could get Naruto back for making him feel extremely uncomfortable!

"This is as close as we'll ever get."

Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the neck and yanked him close for a kiss, forcing his tongue past the plump lips to tease its counterpart. He tried to ignore the fact that Naruto tasted like cheap coffee and threw all his energy into making this as awkward for the blonde as humanly possible. One hand pressed lightly against Naruto's abdomen, slipping under his shirt to travel upward. Cold fingers met a nipple and Naruto, finally awakened from his stupor, screamed into Sasuke's mouth and began trying to fend him off. Physically he was capable of doing so, but given his current mental state, it wasn't happening. Taking advantage of this, Sasuke forced him down flat on the bed and broke the kiss to take in some air.

Naruto flailed under him, shouting, "Rape! Rape!"

With a sadistic smile to his captive, Sasuke turned to the camera and said, "Bye."

"Argh, noooo!"

I0I0I0I0I

"Are you watching that again?"

Sasuke bent over the couch to look at the video Naruto was viewing on his laptop. Since they both did work for Broke Straight Guys, they got free subscriptions to the site. This had to be at least the third time Naruto had gone over the video.

"I'm trying to figure out how you got a chance to mouth rape me like that!" Naruto had a dead serious look on his face as he started the video over once again. "I don't want it to happen again!"

"Tch, as if I'd want to." He didn't see why Naruto was complaining. That so-called 'mouth rape' scored both of them thirty-five bucks. "You pissed me off."

"How?" Naruto couldn't see a single thing that he'd done to incur the kissing fiend that Sasuke had abruptly changed into.

"For starters, you called me a bitch-boy. Then you called me hot."

"I did not say you were hot!"

"You basically did. And then you said that I would throw hissy fits if we were gay for each other."

"You would!"

"Please. The viewers get final verdict. What do they say?"

Naruto scrolled down and sped-read through the list of comments so far. Loud belly laughs began rolling out of him at what he found. This was absolutely rich!

"What's so funny?"

"They all say that you're a twink!"

"What?"

"A twink! Gaara told me what those are!" Naruto wiped his eyes and tried to steady his breathing, only to break out in a new bout of snickers. "It means you're a girly gay guy. And they also say that I'd be on top."

"What? Bullshit. Let me see."

Naruto passed up the laptop and Sasuke began to read.

uncutking: bet Naru's tongue tastes sweet, hows his dick?

Hairy_Larry: mmm, Naruto sooo hot but Sasuke is hot too. I wanna hear him screaming Naruto's name when he gets fucked by him

Doubledown: Sas is ultimate twink needs to be taught some manners tho

barebackattack: You guys got me dripping! Want to see you get together soon or I'll explode!

LuckyU: What do you 2 do when you're horny and alone in that apartment of yours…? Details, plz!

ChainZ: Wish I could live with u, ur verbal play is so hot S needs N to train him to be a good little twink

And so on and so forth.

"Ugh. How can you read this stuff?" Sasuke dropped Naruto's computer back into his lap.

"Hey, these guys have good taste. They know a top when they see one."

"I had one guy on my side. He said something about topping from the bottom." Scoring points where he could in such matters were important. He was anything but a twink.

"No, you're still getting fucked, but you're just bossing me around."

"…Why do you know that?"

Fortunately the phone rang to alleviate Naruto the awkwardness of having to answer the question. Sasuke picked it up.

"Hello?"

"I am not 'practically a girl'!"

"Gaara?"

"You can kiss those stuffed tomatoes goodbye, you… You… Argh!"

The line promptly went dead.

"Ha ha, Gaara's mad at you."

"Shut up. He's just on his period." That punk sure knew how to hit where it hurt. He'd been looking forward to the tomatoes all week.

"I'm telling him you said that. Bee's gonna kick your ass."

Sasuke took his pink guitar and stormed back to his room, slamming the door so Naruto knew that he wasn't in the mood for anything. He laid in bed and strummed idly at the metal strings, mood most foul. Gaara hated him, Killerbee was likely to kick his ass for calling his boyfriend a girl, and Naruto had the encouragement of dozens of gay men to savage his butthole. All because of a stupid video. Hadn't he learned his lesson by now? Next time he got a call from Broke Straight Guys, he was letting it go to voicemail.

0o0

I think that perhaps the purpose of the side stories is to torture Sasuke just a bit, ha ha. That, and he doesn't get much opportunity to be in the real story. I have to flesh him out somehow. Actually, he's a lot less of a dick now than he was when he was a teenager. But more on that in another side story. (It's almost sad, the number of real chapters and sides are starting to catch up with each other… But the next one is the only one I've got definitely planned out, so you'll be reading a lot more main story.) On another note, I'd like to be able to say that I haven't had that 'your mom's a face' conversation. Unfortunately, I can't.

Be on the ball, guys. New people will be busting their way in soon.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~