Altering Affection

Hatake Kakashi owned and operated Glow, one of the city’s most popular bars. It was the right combination of atmosphere, food, and music situated in the middle of downtown, next to Fashion Center.

“We’re here,” Sasuke said when the limo stopped.

Lee swallowed the last of his Fiji water and climbed out of the black car. Nerves inspired a fresh batch of butterflies in his gut, and his skin tingled uncomfortably from its earlier treatments. The soft cotton of his boxers rubbed his newly sensitive flesh, and it made Lee want to squirm as he walked.

As the pair of men walked toward the front of the bar, the misery of the previous night and the past few weeks welled up inside Lee. He mentally braced himself against the sensation, knowing that Neji must have a good reason to bring Lee here. But Lee dreaded seeing Kakashi. He didn’t want to think about Kakashi being successful with Gai-sensei where Lee had failed miserably. It made him feel ill.

Despite the inner turmoil, Lee followed dutifully after Sasuke as he entered the building. The inside of the bar was dim, and recessed lighting reflected off of dark wood. The bar took up an entire wall, mirrors set behind it to maximize the space and effect. High tables were interspersed around the room, a flank of pool tables could be seen through a wide door in the back of the main room, and a DJ’s booth was set in a corner overlooking the tables and floor. The bar wasn’t open, yet, so Lee’s friends had the place to themselves.

Tenten waved energetically to Lee and Sasuke when they walked in. Then she whistled.

“Damn, Lee!” she said as Lee and Sasuke reached the large, round table where they sat. “You look good!”

“I see that Sasuke did his job well,” Sakura commented, one pale eyebrow arched.

“Of course I did,” Sasuke said.

The group collectively rolled their eyes. Lee circled the group and climbed into a chair next to Neji.

“How was shopping?” Neji asked.

“Successful,” Lee said, wincing as he shifted on the stool. His skin was just entirely too sensitive. “Sasuke was far too generous.”

“Good,” Sakura said as Sasuke sat down beside her.

“And the spa?” Neji asked.

Lee sighed. “Also successful, I think, and also very generous of Sasuke.” Lee paused. “But I admit it was rather like getting tortured by sadistic ninja.”

Neji snorted a laugh and looked at Sasuke, who was conveniently absorbed with his phone.

“I was afraid of that,” Neji said.

“But overall it was a very nice day,” Lee amended, feeling guilty that he spoke badly of his friends’ generosity…however uncomfortable it was on the receiving end.

“You seem much more like your normal self,” Neji observed.

“I do?” Lee asked.

Neji nodded. Now that he thought about it, even the painful memories that rushed back as he walked inside the bar seemed…well, less painful. Everything was made better by Neji and his plan. Even if Lee managed to somehow screw up that plan, the small hope made Lee’s life much better.

“So, time for Phase III?” Ino asked.

Neji nodded and everyone looked at him as he turned to Lee.

“It’s time to talk to Kakashi, Lee,” Neji said without preamble.

Lee’s eyes went wide. Oh no…he could not do that. Walk up to the gray-haired, older man; admit that he was completely at a loss as to what his beloved sensei wanted, and tell him that he was desperate for help? He’d rather go back to the spa and play strip poker with Deidara and Sasori.

“Lee,” Neji sighed and shook his head.

“Look, Lee,” Sakura spoke up. “We all get why you don’t want to do it, but if you want Gai, then you have to.”

“You should have done this a long time ago, actually,” Ino commented in a superior tone. “Would have saved a ton of hassle and worry.”

“I…I thought I could manage on my own,” Lee said somewhat indignantly.

“Of course you can, Lee,” Sakura said. She reached over and laid a hand on one of Lee’s. “But it turns out that Gai is…well, much more complicated than any of us thought.”

“Or would have thought possible,” Sasuke muttered. Then he yelped as Sakura kicked him under the table.

“Kakashi knows Gai better than anyone other than you, Lee,” Sakura continued, not deigning to give Sasuke a response other than violence. “And he’s actually very good with people and advice.”

Lee frowned and fidgeted with the bandages on his hands. Of course it was all true, Lee had no problem seeing that. The plan smacked of Neji’s logic – Kakashi was the last source of information that might be able to give Lee some insight that would help his cause.

“If anyone knows how Gai actually feels, Lee, it’s Kakashi,” Neji said softly. “And after I spoke with him a little about what’s happened, I think you’ll be surprised by some of what he has to say.”

“You…told him about…”

“Just some of the basics, Lee, no details,” Neji assured him.

Lee sighed, his nerves frayed and the fringes of emotional exhaustion setting in again. It would be so much easier to just go home and try to accept that Gai-sensei’s current level of affection for Lee was all Lee would get. He could just resign himself to being content with what he had, and grateful that he had that much. It would certainly be…simpler.

…and Lee knew he would always wonder what might have been.

“Lee, you just survived and entire day of Sasuke and his antics,” Neji said. “How hard will one conversation be after that?”

Lee opened his mouth to respond when it hit him: in a flash of dawning understanding, Lee realized what role the shopping and makeover were supposed to play. Tenderness toward his friends filled Lee as he saw that the entire day was supposed to give him confidence and make him realize that trying new things might be uncomfortable but often worth it. Lee had yet to see the aftereffects of his new look and clothing in a mirror, but he was sure it would be much improved. Neji and Lee’s other friends hoped to remind Lee that he enjoyed challenges – large or small – and wasn’t one to just give up and go home. The day had been about purposeful distraction.

Granted, he still wasn’t sure what hair removal had to do with anything, but he just hoped that was an unforeseen side effect of Neji’s grander plan.

The group watched as comprehension dawned on Lee’s earnest features. Tenten sighed and rested her chin on her hands. Ino tossed a lock of hair over her shoulder and looked a little smug. Sakura smiled, and Sasuke smirked.

“Neji…” Lee said. “I do not know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything to us, Lee. Just go talk to Kakashi.” Neji smiled and pushed gently on Lee’s shoulder. Lee turned, squeezed Sakura’s hand and released it, and then carefully slid off the chair.

Kakashi immediately stopped watching the group intently and started polishing the bar, feigning innocence.

Lee squared his shoulders and approached the bar. He still felt twisted and confused, hurt and rejected. But he also felt the faint and familiar spark of hope as he watched the gray haired man shine the bar. Lee had utmost faith in Neji; if his friend thought this was the next step and that it would help, then by God Lee would follow through. It was the least he could do, after all.

Lee stopped a few feet away from Kakashi, who still made a show of not really seeing the boy.

“Kakashi, may I have a word with you?” Lee asked solemnly.

“Of course, Lee,” Kakashi said and smiled. He put down his rag and rested his palms on the very surface he’d been wiping clean. “What’s on your mind?”

This close to saying what he needed, Lee found he couldn’t form the words. Asking this man’s advice and explaining that he needed help felt like the ultimate admittance of failure. Lee swallowed.

Kakashi didn’t say anything, merely regarded Lee with a blank expression.

One last thing, Lee told himself. I’ll do this one last thing, and if it doesn’t work, I accept Gai-sensei’s affection and quietly move on about my life. But right now, my friends are counting on me; I can’t back down.

“Kakashi, I need to know how Gai-sensei feels about me,” Lee said. He decided to get straight to the point.

“I need to know if you will share that information, and, if you will, how you think it best for me to respond. I love him, sir, and I am ashamed to admit that all of my own efforts to explain my feelings have…failed. I…I do not know what to do.”

Well…that was only a thousand times more painful than getting one’s arm crushed. Not bad.

Kakashi blinked, looked up at the ceiling and seemed to commune with an unseen force for a moment. Then he sighed, pointed to a chair in the corner, and said, “Sit.”

Lee obeyed immediately.

Kakashi rummaged behind the bar for a second and Lee watched as the man made what could only be described as an incredibly weak drink. Then he walked over, placed the glass that was mostly juice in front of Lee, and leaned against the bar.

“I was wondering when you would get around to talking to me,” Kakashi said. “It’s about bloody time.”

Lee blinked, surprised at Kakashi’s tone.

“I am…sorry for the delay?” Lee said, unsure.

Kakashi grunted. “I went over to Gai’s place this morning. Do you know what I found him doing?”

Mental images that Lee really didn’t want to revisit flashed through his mind. He shoved them away.

“No, I do not,” Lee said.

“I found him lying in the floor, bemoaning life, and drinking,” Kakashi nearly snarled. “Heavily.”

“But…but Gai-sensei does not drink!” Lee said.

“Tell me about it,” Kakashi said. “Poor sap was sicker than a damned dog. Got him into bed just before I got the phone call from Sakura.”

Gai-sensei drinking before noon? Lee was beside himself with shock.

“But-“

“Let’s start in the beginning,” Kakashi interrupted. “I want to hear every single detail of the past few weeks – even the ones you didn’t tell your friends.” Kakashi knowingly arched an eyebrow at Lee.

Lee’s eyes grew wide.

“You can begin with when it was, exactly, that you decided to finally act on how you feel about Gai.”

“I…well…I…”

Kakashi shoved the glass at Lee. “Sip on this first.”

“I am rather allergic to alcohol, sir. It does not-“

“I know that, Lee,” Kakashi said with a bored sigh. “But you’re a jittering ball of twitchy angst, and it’s making me nervous. Sip the drink.”

Lee obeyed and found the concoction tasty. He took another sip. Then he clasped his hands to keep from fidgeting and began to tell his story. He started with the day at the dojo that Kakashi visited. He didn’t skimp on any of the details, not even when he got to the night at the dojo. Lee blushed nine hundred shades of red and spoke to the bar during the most vivid parts, but he got through it.

“And then Sasuke’s driver brought us here, and Neji convinced me that I needed to speak to you,” Lee finished with a sigh and looked up. Kakashi’s expression was thoughtful and intensely focused.

“You watched him…from the doorway?”

Lee gulped and nervously ran a hand through his hair. “Y-yes, sir.”

Kakashi’s mismatched eyes regarded Lee for a moment.

“Lee, I think I’m discovering whole new levels of respect for you.”

“Sir?” Lee practically squeaked.

Kakashi sighed. “Lee, the formality thing is cute and all, but do me a favor. Sip the drink, pretend you know how to speak using contractions, and call me Kakashi.”

Lee lifted the glass with a slightly shaky hand and took another sip.

“Okay,” Lee said meekly.

“Thank you for telling me all that. It helps to make some sense of Gai’s babbling this morning.” Kakashi rolled his eyes and then shook his head.

“Babbling?” Yet another thing that Gai-sensei simply did not do.

“Oh, yeah,” Kakashi said, snorting. Then he looked up at Lee, his expression difficult to read, but intense. “Something about being punished for spying on some student in the shower.”

Lee stopped breathing. He couldn’t have…Gai-sensei didn’t…but that would mean…

“Oh, God,” Lee said, his voice a ragged whisper.

Kakashi pushed the drink into Lee’s hand, and Lee drank a full swallow.

“Focus, Lee,” Kakashi said.

Lee nodded, a little dazed.

“Lee, I promised myself that I wouldn’t betray Gai’s confidence unless you came to me asking for help. I didn’t want to get in the middle of things between the two of you, and I didn’t want to hurt Gai unnecessarily.” Kakashi sighed.

“Gai’s never told me directly what he feels, but I’ve known the man for years. I’ve had my suspicions, and after this morning, I think most of those suspicions are spot on. And I think he needs a swift kick in the ass.

“So, since you did come to me, I’m going to tell you what you don’t know. Pay attention.”

Lee sat up straighter on the stool. Kakashi watched him for a second, amused, then continued.

“You remember me telling you about the woman who sent Gai flowers? With the cruel cards?”

Lee nodded. “Yes s- er, yes.”

“The woman’s name was Anko. To this day, I don’t know if Gai confessed anything to her or not, but I do know this: she thought the reason Gai didn’t like her was because he was obsessed with one of his male students.”

Lee didn’t say anything; his heart was beating too loudly in his ears and somehow that rendered speech impossible.

“Her notes were damned cruel, Lee. She called him a pedophile, a sick fuck, all sorts of things. And since I’m sure you need me to say it to believe it, the student Anko thought Gai was obsessed with was you.”

Lee wanted to be happy – intense happiness certainly cut through the nerves and anxiety for a few seconds. But that was quickly followed by a sense of misery. And then rage. Lee wanted to find this Anko woman and explain to her how he felt about her cruelty. In detail.

“Let me make this clear, Lee: Gai has never come to me and said he’s in love with you,” Kakashi continued.

Lee’s heart hammered so loudly in his chest he was sure it was visible from the outside.

“But he stopped going on dates. Hell, he stopped looking at men, period. Even before Iruka and I were together, he told me one day that we should stop seeing each other. I never could get him to tell me why, precisely, but he did say that he thought it was better if he denied himself affection.

“All that happened about the same times as those damned flowers started showing up at the dojo, so I have to think that if Gai was already feeling a bit guilty for what he feels about you, then that sent him right over the edge.

“In a way,” Kakashi went on, nudging the glass at Lee again. “I can understand. He’s known you since you were a boy. Seen you grow up, get healthy, overcome the accident and the loss of your parents. He only wants the best for you, Lee, of that I am sure. Both because he’s told me that at least a million times and because he’s that kind of man.

“Unfortunately, Gai is also the type of man who will decide what is best for those he loves without soliciting their input.” Kakashi’s tone was wry, as though speaking from experience. “His judgment is always the best, you see. Especially when his judgment allows him to be hardest on himself.”

Kakashi paused, considering. “If he thinks something he feels, wants, or even needs is wrong, trust me when I say that it’s hard as hell to talk him down from that cliff. I’ve only managed to overcome his stubborn ass a few times, and I had to resort to…extreme measures.”

“Extreme measures?” Lee asked, wondering what Kakashi meant by that. Or by any of his vague references, actually.

Kakashi nodded. “Exactly. Which is why you, my young friend, are going to have to do something rather extreme to get my old rival over this self-inflicted monk status that he seems determined to keep.” Kakashi regarded Lee seriously, eyes searching down into what felt like the very depths of Lee’s soul.

“You think you can do that?”

Lee swallowed and went over everything Kakashi had revealed. Lee knew that Kakashi was absolutely right. Lee knew that Gai-sensei was a stern and stubborn man when his mind was made up, and it would take a lot to make him change his thinking or his actions. But…Lee bit his lip.

“Do you think I’ve got a chance if I do this extreme measures thing?” Lee asked.

“I think that if we use my knowledge of Gai, his quirks, and what I think he feels for you then, yes, you’ve got a pretty good shot.”

Lee was silent as he mulled that over. He didn’t have any idea what Kakashi’s version of “extreme measures” might be, but images of storming castle walls, repelling down mountain sides, and swimming with sharks came to mind. Since Lee was willing to do all that and more for Gai-sensei, he knew he was up for it.

“Kakashi, do you…think…” Lee felt too foolish and childlike to finish the sentence. He frowned and looked down at the bar.

Kakashi reached over and tilted Lee’s chin up so that their eyes met. Lee found a smile on Kakashi’s face and tenderness in the man’s eyes.

“Yes, Lee, I do think he loves you. I think he hates himself for it, thinks you would be better off with someone younger and less deviant. But I think despite how much he tells himself that, he still wants you. Being with you all the time is both pleasure and torture for my old friend; he can’t tell you to go away and he can’t make himself beg you to stay. He plays oblivious very well, but in truth he never misses anything. He knows what you’ve been doing…and he’s trying very, very hard to convince himself that he must push you away for your own good. Do you understand, Lee?”

His heart swelling with emotion and his eyes tingling, Lee nodded.

“I understand, Kakashi,” Lee said. “Now…tell me what to do to make him stop hurting himself.” Lee paused. “And me.”

“Good boy, Lee,” Kakashi said and released Lee’s chin. Then he turned to the table where Lee’s friends were sitting. All of them were watching the entire scene, and Lee blushed.

Kakashi, however, gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up – a perfect imitation of Gai-sensei.

The girls all whooped with excitement, and Neji grinned at Lee. Even Sasuke smirked.

“Now,” Kakashi said, turning back to the bar and refilling Lee’s glass. “First thing’s first: you a virgin?”

Lee choked on the drink.

It was going to be a long night.

~*~