If You Love Until It Hurts

A/N: I apologize for the delay, I was down with a very unpleasant cold last week and I couldn't write.



9



Kakashi’s face was…normal. Iruka wasn’t entirely sure what he had been expecting, but that certainly wasn’t it. Over the years Konoha’s rumour mill had been buzzing with all kinds of whacky and bizarre theories regarding why the Jounin hid his face, from fishlips, to disfiguring scars, to divine beauty. Compared to the mental images those wild rumours had created in his and everybody else’s heads, the truth of it was almost disappointingly anti-climactic. Kakashi was definitely far from being ugly, but also wasn’t some kind of unrivaled beauty. It was a normal face, handsome even – elegant jawline, high cheekbones and well-shaped nose, especially considering the fact that given Kakashi’s occupation, it must’ve been broken more than once. His lips were a little on the thin side, and there was a thin, pale scar on their left corner. Iruka couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why Kakashi would want to hide that face, as there was nothing wrong with it, and he was instantly recognizable, even with the mask, so hiding his identity wasn’t the point.



Whatever his reasons for hiding his identity, the Chuunin had no time to contemplate them because after spending of several moments looking like a deer caught in the headlights, Kakashi suddenly moved, sharply turning away from him and almost twisting out of his grip. Iruka’s hands tightened in an attempt to keep him still, concerned that he might lose his balance and fall over, injuring himself on the hard tiles.



“Kakashi…” he began, unsure what to say and how to say it.



“My leg is better now. I can finish on my own.” Kakashi’s voice sounded neutral, cold even.



‘He’s shutting me out again.’ Iruka thought miserably.



“If that is what you wish…”



“Yes.” Kakashi’s voice was quiet, but in the stillness of the bathroom, broken only by the sound of the shower, it felt almost like a shout. Iruka let go of him and took a step back. He was done too anyway.



“I’ll be outside if you need anything.”



After Iruka left, Kakashi almost heaved in the shower.



‘Fool!’ he berated himself as he washed furiously. ‘How could you be such a gullible fool? How could you let him do this, get this close, get under your skin like that?!’



He ran his hands over his face, nails dragging over the sensitive skin. He hated people seeing it, making that connection with his past that he wanted to purge, to forget, but which haunted him forever because he could not escape his own identity. Minato had been the only one with whom he had been comfortable enough, secure enough in his love to feel safe to show his face. Minato would look at his face and there would be no judgement in his eyes. But then again, not even he had known the full truth.



A dry sob left his lips and he pressed his forehead to the cool tiles again, the memory of Minato’s tenderness almost overwhelming – strong hands wrapped around him, holding without trapping, a gentle voice in his ear, soothing, loving, accepting. The memory seemed even sharper now, and he could even feel his scent, cinnamon and ink and…No, that was not how Minato smelled like. That was Iruka’s scent. The past was becoming one with the present and he could no longer distinguish between the two. His fists curled in anguish as he tried to push away the more recent memory, to cling to the old one, but as hard as he tried, he failed – every time he closed his eyes he saw Iruka’s gentle smile, smelled his scent, felt his touch.



With a growl he pushed away from the wall and hurriedly rinsed out the rest of the soap, then turned the water off and wrapped his hips in a towel before heading to the room he shared with the Chuunin, determined to find something to occupy himself with so he wouldn’t have to think and remember. As he passed by the fogged up mirror on the bathroom wall he saw his silhouette in it, and the flesh-coloured smudge that was his face, realizing that he still didn’t have his mask on.



Kakashi paused and turned around, searching for the white surgical mask he had worn in the shower, finally noticing it lying in a sodden and crumpled little heap right on top of the drain. Well, there was no way he was putting that over his mouth. Besides, Iruka had already seen – it was pointless to go to such lengths to hide again.



With a sigh he exited the bathroom only to discover that their room was empty – a short and curt note left by the window informed him that Iruka had returned to the hot springs. That suited Kakashi just fine – he wasn’t sure what he would’ve said or done had Iruka been here. The Chuunin, being ever sensitive to the moods of others had probably figured out that he needed to give Kakashi space and he had made himself scarce. Such consideration touched him in a way he hadn’t thought himself capable of anymore.



He crumpled the note and threw it in the trash bin in the bathroom, then carefully dried himself up, folded the towel and left it with in the laundry basket, then got dressed and after small hesitation put his mask back on. He felt naked and vulnerable without it, and he wasn’t ready to feel that way around Iruka. That reminded him of the way he felt when he was pressed face first against the cool tiles in the bathroom, the Chuunin behind him, strong hands caressing him tenderly… With a shudder he pushed the memory away, then fished one of his books out of his backpack, hoping that the familiarity of the words would soothe his tumultuous thoughts.



The book occupied him for a few hours even if his mind wasn’t into it too much. After all that had happened, he found it difficult to concentrate. He kept thinking about it, turning it over in his mind, analyzing his own behaviour, Iruka’s behaviour, the consequences of what had happened. Would the Chuunin act differently when he returned? Should he? It suddenly worried Kakashi what the younger man might think of him and his actions – surely it wasn’t normal for your colleague to act the way he had when someone was just trying to be helpful. Iruka hadn’t been trying to act like a… like a Master. He probably didn’t even know what that was and would be disgusted if he ever found out. Society in Konoha was fairly conservative – and while what happened behind closed doors, especially among the larger clans, may not follow traditional morality, Kakashi was pretty sure that ordinary people who had no exposure to ancient clan customs – like Iruka – had a fairly simplistic view of the intimacy between two people.



‘And what do you know of the intimacy between two people, Kakashi?’ a snide little voice asked in his head. ‘It’s not like you have a very extensive real life example, your own teacher aside. Books? You know those are far from realistic.’



Having just reached the graphic description of a particularly bizarre act in the book – helpfully supplied with an illustration too – Kakashi frowned at it, then slammed the volume shut. He needed a fresh air. And maybe a drink.



The small dining area at the back of the ryokan did offer alcohol, much to his delight, even if it was simple rice wine. He would’ve rather buried his frustration at the bottom of a cup that held something stronger, but he would just have to do with the wine. Kakashi bought a whole bottle, then retreated in an alcove partially hidden by an overgrown bush providing sufficient privacy, determined to drink in peace. His plan succeeded for a while, because no one came to bother him, until…



“I was wondering where you went.” Iruka’s warm voice came from behind the bush, and then the rest of Iruka followed when he walked into the alcove. He eyed the bottle, then focused shamelessly on Kakashi’s slightly flushed visage. The expression on his face became slightly disapproving, but he made no comment about that. “I was almost worried that you had left, but then I saw your backpack.” He was still staring at his bared face. Kakashi felt an almost overwhelming urge to pull his mask back up and hide, but he refused to do so. He wasn’t going to allow Iruka to know just how vulnerable he made him feel.



“I’m here, obviously.” He said, sharper than what would’ve been polite.



“Obviously.” Iruka’s tone remained mild. He leaned so that his body would pop from behind the bush and signaled someone. Kakashi heard steps and Iruka was handed something. When he leaned back, he saw that it was another cup. The younger man eyed the bottle. “Are you going to share, Kakashi?” The Jounin pushed the bottle forward without a word and Iruka served himself.



“Listen, Iruka, I appreciate what you did for me in the bathroom…”



“I was trying to help.” Iruka pointed out as he took a sip.



“I don’t need help.” Kakashi said sharply



The Chuunin seemed unfazed.



“I can always let you keel over and break your nose on the tiles when you faceplant next time if you want.” Iruka pointed out, though the still calm tone took the sting out of his words. Before Kakashi could reply, the younger man continued “I am just hoping that you wouldn’t let me do the same, if our roles were ever reversed.” He ran his fingers over the scar above his nose and smiled “I have enough things to draw attention to my nose as it is.” Warm dark eyes looked at him with surprising amount of trust. Kakashi felt disarmed, his defenses broken. He offered a hesitant smile of his own.



“I’ll be there to catch you if you fall, Iruka.” He promised, then raised his cup in a salute. Between the alcohol and Iruka’s quiet but reassuring presence, he finally began to relax. Apparently the younger man had no suspicions regarding his behaviour in the bathroom and his own paranoia was born out of his guilty conscious. Kakashi took another sip and closed his eyes in silent pleasure as the warmth spread from his belly to his extremities. The alcohol wasn’t nearly potent enough to get him drunk, but it certainly made him feel better.



“Does your leg feel better, Kakashi?” asked Iruka as he lowered his eyes to look at the limb in question that Kakashi had stretched outside the table.



“A bit stiff yet, but much better than before. Thank you.”



Iruka reached for the leg but did not touch it.



“May I? I am hardly a medic nin, but I often have to massage away training injuries. Accidents happen quite often, as much as we try to avoid them – and a teacher has to know how to offer help on the spot.”



Kakashi stared at him, almost dumbfounded, then followed his gaze. Iruka wanted to massage his leg? The memory of his touch in the bathroom immediately popped in his head – the warmth, the feeling of safety. When he came down here was determined not to allow that to happen again, but being in Iruka’s presence eroded all of his defenses. He was a temptation Kakashi could not resist.



“Very well.” He answered and allowed the younger man to pull his leg up and settle it onto his lap before undoing the laces of his sandal and carefully removing it. Gentle, callused fingers rolled the pant leg up to his knee and Iruka examined the scarring.



Iruka had seen Kakashi’s scar before, of course, both in the hot springs and in the bathroom, but not at such close proximity. The injury must’ve been grave indeed, for there to remain this much scarring even with Tsunade’s intervention. Part of his shin was concave, the flesh, the muscle missing, and there were crude marks of old-fashioned stitches. He had heard rumours that Kakashi had almost lost that leg and now he could see that those claims were not empty.



“There was a lot of necrotized flesh because of the poison. Tsunade-sama had to excise it.” Kakashi supplied helpfully, interpreting Iruka’s curious gaze correctly. The Chuunin ran his fingers over the underside of his shin and gently massaged the scarred, maimed muscles.



“Does it hurt?” he asked as he found the pressure points and rubbing them, injecting small amounts of soothing chakra in them. True, he was no healer, he couldn’t fix the monumental damage to the muscle, let alone the nerves, but he certainly knew enough to soothe old pains. What he had told Kakashi about his students was no lie, but he had learned some tricks from other places that had nothing to do with any students. Kakashi shook his head no, but said nothing, his dark eye fluttering shut and he actually sighed in barely concealed pleasure.



Iruka’s fingers were working wonders on his leg. The thing had been stiff, sore, almost like a leaden weight attached to his body that refused to obey his commands. It made him feel clumsy and graceless, something that should never be associated with a Ninja. Under the Chuunin’s carefully ministration, some of the stiffness seemed to fade away and warmth spread in its place. He wiggled his toes in delight and almost giggled when Iruka pressed gently against the sole of his foot, then the arch, stimulating all his chakra points. It felt divine. He could fall asleep like that.



Finally, Iruka stopped.



“Feeling better now?” he asked.



Kakashi’s eye opened, and he had the same sluggish, far-away look as before. The first time Iruka thought that he had imagined the whole thing, but now he was sure. Such a strange reaction. It was familiar somehow, but he couldn’t place it. A memory flickered at the back of his mind, but try as he might, he could not remember precisely.

It took Kakashi a few moments to compose himself before answering.



“Yes, I feel much better now.” Kakashi smiled. He had a nice smile. A little brittle, frayed around the edges, but nice nonetheless.



Suddenly Iruka felt a sting – first at his back, then through him, then at his chest. Something red and liquid splattered all over Kakashi’s smiling face and a small, dark-stained blade slammed in his shoulder. The smile froze as Kakashi stared at him incomprehensively, then looked down at his own shoulder. Iruka looked down as well and noticed that his shirt was soaked in blood. The world began to go grey, and distant. He could hear screaming, but it sounded muffled, as if he was hearing it from under water, or underground. He swayed but never found out whether he hit the ground, because the world went black.



When he woke up again, he saw white-washed ceiling. It took him a few moments to orient himself until he realized he was in a hospital, probably Konoha’s. So he had survived. He felt tired, slugging and sore, a dull ache still throbbing in his chest where the projectile had ripped through him, but he was alive. What had happened? Who attacked them? Had Kakashi survived? The last thought made him break out cold sweat. ‘Please’ he thought desperately ‘let him be alive.’



Iruka tried to push himself up so he could sit on the bed, his concern giving him strength, and that was when he noticed he was hooked up to some kind of machine that beeped. A heart monitor? Had he been in that bad of a condition? Then again, he had had a blade go through his chest. Iruka reached and pulled his hospital gown down, revealing his naked chest. There was a faint scar where the blade had gone through, but otherwise he appeared fine, except that he was very tired. ‘They must’ve drugged me.’ He thought idly as he removed the electrodes of the heart monitor and swung his feet over the edge of the bed. The wound was closed, he was in no immediate danger and he had no intention of just lying here without knowing what had happened with Kakashi.



Getting up proved to be a bit more difficult than he had anticipated, because his body refused to cooperate completely, though he felt better with each step he took towards the door. However, he wasn’t halfway through when said door suddenly burst open, slamming against the wall like cracking thunder and in came Sakura, her face pale and determined, followed by a bunch of just as determined nurses carrying what Iruka could identify as CPR equipment. Sakura saw him standing in the middle of the room and stopped dead in her tracks and the nurses, along with their equipment, slammed in her back almost running her over, but she held her ground.



Green eyes moved from Iruka to the abandoned electrodes of the heart monitor and her lips thinned. The girl took a deep breath, disturbingly reminding the Chuunin of a dragon about to breathe fire and he cringed mentally as her cheeks reddened in unmistakable anger. His only hope was that she’d remember that he used to be her teacher and not try to beat him up the way she did with Naruto when he displeased her.



“Iruka-sensei?” the girl’s voice was saccharine. Her smile alone could give you cavities.



“Yes?” he squeaked.



“What are you doing out of bed?”



“I, uh, I was going to look for a nurse…”

“AND IT DIDN’T OCCUR TO YOU TO USE THE BELL!?” she suddenly roared and pointed somewhere behind him. He followed the direction of her finger and saw a button connected to a cable going out of the room placed on his bed-side table.



Oh.



“Get back in the bed!”



“Sakura-chan…”



“NOOOW!”



Iruka decided that common sense and basic survival instinct required him to do as he was told, so he went back to the bed. Sakura practically manhandled him under the covers, then began to attach the electrodes back onto his chest. Her expression was both tense and focused, and he suddenly realized just how terrified the girl was.



“Sakura-chan…” he began, and she looked up. Her eyes were dry, but reddened. She must not have slept much lately. “I’m okay now.”



“You almost died!” the girl exclaimed.



“Well, I am sure that you took good care of me…”



“Iruka-sensei, don’t be silly. I started training only a little while ago. I am not nearly as qualified as I should be to be taking care of a patient in your condition.”



She took a deep breath, then busied herself with tucking the covers around him and fluffing up his pillow. The nurses quietly made themselves scarce, taking the equipment with them.



“All the doctors are at the emergency rooms. We had a bit of a situation earlier today and they’re still performing surgery.” Sakura gave him an odd look. “I was the only one left on the floor…When I heard the alarm…”



Iruka reached and covered her hand with his.



“Sakura-chan. I’m okay. And I am sure you’ll make a wonderful medic nin one day.”



She swallowed.



“Thank you.”



“Now, tell me, how long was I out?”



“Around four days. Kakashi teleported with you directly into the hospital.”



“Kakashi? So he’s okay?” he asked eagerly, grateful that they finally reached the topic he was interested in. Her expression darkened when she remembered.



“There was so much blood when he first appeared. He was injured, but most of it was yours and… other people’s. He was covered in it, from head to toe. I had never seen… not even when he killed Haku.”

“But he’s okay now?”



She nodded and he lay back on the pillows with relief.



“They said that it was missing nin with a grudge against Kakashi-sensei that attacked you.” Sakura spoke after a while.



That made sense. Missing nin visiting the ryokan, perhaps probably disguised, noticing an old enemy and deciding to use the opportunity to get rid of him. Unfortunately, Iruka had been caught in the middle. The news that Kakashi was okay were such a relief that he lay there for a while after Sakura went away, his eyes closed, trying to find his center again. He knew that Kakashi was one of the deadliest people in the village, injured leg or no injured leg, but despite his genius not even he was infallible. Being caught by surprise like that was proof enough.



Sakura promised him that they’d release him on the following day and he promised in return not to move around too much until that time. Apparently the blade had nicked his aorta when it went through him and Tsunade wanted him for observation for a few days, even if the damage was repaired.



Later during the day Sakura showed up again, pushing a cart with several vases full of flowers, baskets with treats and well-wishing cards, even several colorful balloons. His students, current and former, had been visiting for the past several days. Having little else to do, he busied himself with opening his presents and reading his “Get Well!” cards, written both in childish scrawl and elegant calligraphy. He couldn’t help but bask in the love that poured from these little messages, sent from both the young and the grown up students. If they all remembered him so fondly then he was doing something right. Still, a silent apprehension began to gnaw at him. There was neither a message, nor a visit from Kakashi. Sakura had told him that after the staff treated his shoulder wound he had left and they had seen him since then.



Now, Iruka knew that Kakashi was a busy man, being a Jounin and all, but despite that he felt somewhat disappointed that Kakashi did not visit. He did not need the man to send him flowers or anything, but simply acknowledging his injury and concern for someone Iruka thought him a friend would’ve been nice. Was he angry at Iruka? Did he blame him for what happened? The Chuunin certainly that wouldn’t be the case. He liked the easy camaraderie that had finally developed between them. It had been so hard to make the man open up, begin to trust him and in return he had opened up as well. It had been a long time since he had felt that way.



His final day in the hospital came and went without anything significant happened – if anything, Iruka was bored out of his mind. Apart from the occasional colleague who showed up to give him his congratulations on his recovery, and an evaluation from a frowning Tsunade, he saw no one else. Kakashi did not come.



When they finally released him, he headed home. It was late Friday afternoon, and it was too late to go to the Academy – everyone would have left by now. Speaking to Kakashi would have to wait till Monday.